Afterthoughts On A Whirlwind Journey

It's An Election Year!!!

2012-01-17T11:21:00.003-06:00

Being the happy little Republican I am, I am very excited that 2012 is an election year. And, being an outspoken follower of politics, I am happy to finally have people listening to me again when I speak on political issues. :)

As of now, the Republican party is still in the beginning stages of choosing a candidate to run against Barack Obama. The media and elites of the party seem to be favoring Mitt Romney at the current time. However, I personally am no fan of Governor Romney. His record is mostly liberal (moderate at best), and he has flip flopped on every position he's ever taken (you can find evidence of this without much effort). I remember in 2008 his promises to bring about what Barack Obama eventually did do: Romneycare at the national level. He was all for it until it became unpopular. He claimed in '94 to be more socially liberal than Ted Kennedy. As governor he appointed liberal judges and stood up for liberal laws being implemented in the state. He also supported raising taxes. And if all that isn't enough to dislike him, his business ventures included buying and dismantling companies in order to make a profit. Not that I'm against capitalism, but just the sort of capitalism that screws people out of their jobs while the CEOs who do it make huge profits only for themselves.

The candidate I do like is Newt Gingrich. His record surpasses any of the other candidates by far, and his ideas/solutions to help people find work, to reform the tax code and social security, to improve education by giving control back to the states, and to get America energy independant are much more in line with the type of conservatism and common sense policies that I am looking for. And, as for the baggage against him--that whole claim--all of these candidates have baggage of some sort. I'm willing to forgive (to do the Christian thing) and look much more at policy. With all of that in mind, Gingrich is the guy I will be supporting this time around.

Just take a look at the videos below and tell me Gingrich isn't the best. :)

Davey Wavey Comes Out with a Great Way to Come Out to Your Parents

2011-12-29T17:12:00.001-06:00

Davey Wavey from Youtube never fails to amaze me. This video of his is such a truly wonderful resource for anyone struggling to find a way to come out to their parents. It would have been so much easier for me had I known of or been able to use something like this back when I came out to my parents.

Thank God for the age of the internet and for Davey having the care and compassion to make something like this.

A Light in a Very Dark Place

2011-12-27T19:58:00.002-06:00

Hello, everyone. I hope you had a good Christmas. I can’t say it was the best of Christmases, but it probably wasn’t the worst either. It was different though. To be honest, I did feel depressed throughout most of the holiday. I’ve been fairly depressed for the whole last month now. The reason is that my grandma passed away the day after Thanksgiving, and I’ve been missing her terribly.

Every day I have some memory or thought of her pop into my mind. I find myself wishing I could talk to her one last time, or have one last cup of coffee with her, or spend one last family get-together with her, or take one last drive out in the country, or play one last game of rook, or be a kid again to spend the night with her one last time, or even just to hear her voice and see her smile again. I just wish she was still here so badly that it’s killing me inside.

So, that’s sort of where I’m at right now. I’m not doing too well. But I am trying to pull through and remember that death is not the end of one’s life, and that God still has plans to give me hope and a future. In the meantime, please pray for me and my family. I think we could all use a little extra praying for right now, and would great appreciate that.

Again, I hope all of you had a good Christmas. And in case I don’t get time to write again before the New Year, that you each have a good start to the New Year as well.

60 Minutes Looks for a Clue

2011-12-22T20:41:00.003-06:00

I found this to be a really interesting video. I especially thought the whole notion of hormones at birth was intriguing. I've often wondered, as a gay man, whether or not being gay was due to some hormonal issues. I didn't see any proof in this video that that is indeed what causes homosexuality, but it does lend a person to wonder about it.

Remains of the Day

2011-12-08T13:29:00.002-06:00

After reading a story about the Air Force dumping the remains of troops in a landfill in Virginia, I can't help but have no wonder at all as to why our country is falling apart. People just do not care and have no respect whatsoever for their fellow man anymore. Really, it is pathetic. These troops deserved so much better.

The Face of One Bullied

2011-12-06T18:35:00.003-06:00

I saw this video a few minutes ago and thought it worth posting on my site. I really do feel for this young man. I feel sorrow and sadness, as well as compassion. As a teacher, it is my desire to help students like Jonah. No one deserves to be bullied. No one!

I pray Jonah and all those others like him will find some source of solace, and that they will have the strength to always keep marching forward, until the day they finally do reach that better place in life. And if you're one of those reading this now, I say to you, keep your chin up, know that there are people who do love and care about you (or will), and know that with time, things can and usually do get better. So, take hope in that. :)

Contentedness: Being Happy Without Everything You Ever Wanted

2011-11-13T13:40:00.002-06:00

Rarely does anyone ever get everything they ever wanted in life. We all have our wants—those things we wish we could have, but don’t have. And this is the case for most of us throughout our entire lives. There will always be something we’d like to have. Certain things we may want very badly, maybe even to the point of losing sleep over, or becoming depressed or hopeless about. Maybe you’d like a home of your own, or a first car, or enough money to pay the bills and have some left over for a change, or a friend, or maybe even a family of your own. Some things to want in life can quite literally be that life changing that they can make all the difference in the world. Some things to want in life are for the good of others, too. Maybe you want someone’s health to improve, or for a friend to get a good job, or for a couple to have their first baby. Some things to want for others are noble and good intentioned, and for those others to get those things, it literally can be life changing for them. Other things, however, may not be so profound. Sometimes all we want are petty things that, even though we’d like to have them, we aren’t going to lose any sleep if we don’t get them. Maybe you want that new computer, or Kindle, or new purse, or new pair of jeans. These things just aren’t as life changing as the others, but we can still become consumed by our desires to get them.

But how do we handle not getting the things we want in life? Some people resort to thievery to get want they want. Some people get angry. They then resort to jealousy, complaining, blaming God, or maybe even doing something as drastic as committing murder. Some people just become sad and eventually lose hope. Some people keep their hope, knowing that they may, if not immediately, at some point be able to get what they want. And some people become constant worriers, always looking at how bad things can get if they don’t get everything they want, or looking at how bad things already are without having what they want. Then there are those that know, even if they don’t ever get this or that in life, they can still be happy without, and they live their lives each day knowing life can still be good with what they already have—these are the optimistic, hopeful, glass-is-half-full-no-matter-what kind of people. These are the sort we should all strive to be like.

We don’t have to have boyfriends or girlfriends to be happy. We don’t have to have wives or husbands to be happy. We don’t have to have our own children or grandchildren to be happy. We don’t have to have a thousand and one friends on Facebook to be happy. We don’t have to have the world’s best job, or the most secure job, to be happy. We don’t have to have the most expensive car to be happy. We don’t have to have a home of our own to be happy. We don’t have to win the lottery to be happy. We don’t have to have others smile, nod, and say “Good day” to us each day to be happy. We don’t have to be the center of attention to be happy. We don’t have to have the best health to be happy. We don’t have to have the new jacket at Penny’s to be happy. And we don’t have to have the new iphone to be happy. We don’t have to have most of the things we want in life in order to be happy, or to say that we indeed do have a good life.

The truth is that most things in life come and go. Sometimes we have a lot of what we want, and other times we have very little of what we want. But in all things, there is only truly one thing any of us can ever have and keep if we want it. We can all be saved through Christ. And through Christ, we can be happier, healthier, and more blessed than through obtaining anything else. We can be content with the things we do have, knowing that everything we have is a blessing and gift, and that we could always have so much less, no matter how much or how little we think we have (even if at times it seems like nothing at all).

Even if we don’t have all that we want in life, we can still be thankful for and happy about all that we do have. We can still be happy and content not having everything we ever wanted.

Halloween

2011-10-30T22:18:00.002-05:00

I’ve always loved Halloween. There’s candy, dressing up, going trick-or-treating, carving jack-o-lanterns, going to parties, listening to spooky stories, watching scary movies, and it comes during my most favorite time of the year: Fall. It’s just always so much fun.

The other night, some of my family got together for a Halloween party. It was the first time many of us had been able to get together in months now. The biggest highlight of the evening turned out to be going on a town scavenger hunt. My brother and I came up with a list of places or things around town to have to take pictures of, only giving clues to each place or thing using the Halloween theme (such as the bank clock being called “A tick tock clock of doom”). We split the family into two groups and each group drove out town trying to find all the items on the list (my brother in one car and me in another—both refereeing in the event). It turned out to be one of the best times my family has ever had together. And, again, just another reason for why I love Halloween so much.

I realize that not everyone likes Halloween though. While subbing the other day, we had some time to pass in between lessons, and so I had the students make hand ghosts on a sheet of paper. At the top of the paper, students had to write “Happy Halloween”, and at the bottom they had to write their names. Most of the students seemed to really enjoy the activity. But I did have one student object, stating that her family doesn’t celebrate Halloween. I told her it was okay and that she didn’t have to participate. A few minutes later, she made a comment that people do bad things on Halloween and that Halloween was an evil holiday. She asked me about these things directly. I responded that, yes, some people do bad things on Halloween, but that most people just want to have fun out of it.

This all got me to thinking though. You know, here is a time when most people just want to have a good time—nothing evil intended out of it—and yet, this girl had it in her mind that nothing good could come of it. The thing is, people can make something bad even out of the best of things. People get drunk, commit suicide, covet, and do all sorts of bad things around Christmastime. Yet, this girl (and I’ll presume her family, too) probably doesn’t have a problem with Christmas at all.

Everything is what we make it to be. Something good can be turned into something evil. Something evil can be turned into something good. The point is to not go looking for the bad in everything, but to look for the good instead. I wish I could have told that little girl all this the other day. I respect her beliefs and those held by her family, but it really does annoy me when people want to look at Halloween as just a time for evil. It’s only a time of evil if you make it out to be.

Anyway, at least I’m glad it’s Halloween. So far it’s been great.

Happy Halloween, everyone! :)

Unfair: When Life Gives Us Lemons

2011-10-23T15:00:00.002-05:00

A lot of things in life aren’t fair. It isn’t fair for a kind person to be belittled. It isn’t fair for a helpless child to be abused or neglected. It isn’t fair for a mentally challenged individual to be fooled, or deceived, into wrongdoing, or to be taken advantage of. It isn’t fair for a woman to lose her job because she wouldn’t put out to the boss at work. It isn’t fair for a gay high school student to be bullied into desperation. It isn’t fair for the athlete to be called dumb just because they are an athlete. It isn’t fair for the hard working individual to see their job go overseas just so the share holders of their company can save another couple millions on top of the billions they already get. It isn’t fair whenever a person buys a car and a few months later it becomes a complete lemon. It isn’t fair whenever two parents save money for years in order to help afford buying or building a new home and then they get screwed over by the banks and lose everything. It isn’t fair whenever a person gets lung cancer because they’ve been around secondhand smoke all their life. It isn’t fair whenever someone loses their spouse in a car wreck. It isn’t fair whenever your child develops leukemia and dies from it before the age of two. It isn’t fair whenever the best person for the job doesn’t get the job. It isn’t fair whenever a person exposes their own sin and is then shunned and belittled by the very Christians they sought out help from. It isn’t fair to be tempted by something so strongly that at times there doesn’t seem to be any relief from the temptations. It isn’t fair for a person who’s worked their whole life to see their pension be taken away. It isn’t fair for a woman who loves children to not be able to have children of her own. It isn’t fair for the father of a conceived child to have no right to stop the mother from having an abortion. It isn’t fair for a family to witness their home burn to the ground because of some electrician’s shoddy electrical work. And nor is it fair when you’re picked last for the team because you’re apparently “too smart”.

So much in life isn’t fair. We all get raw deals in life. Bad things happen to good people. Good things happen to bad people. None of it is fair. But that is just life. Life isn’t fair, or easy. There are always battles and struggles to have to go through. In all of it, we can make the decision to keep trudging forward to always try to do what is right, or we can decide to give in, give up, and fall to the wayside. How we act when life throws us lemons impacts each of us and those around us in so many profound ways.

Our resolve to keep trudging forward is what makes all the difference in the world. Our hope in good eventually outweighing evil, and God fulfilling the promises He has made to us, keeps us on a path that, even though it may seem harder at times to stay on, truly does lead us to a better place. When we keep our hope and keep our faith and keep moving forward no matter what life throws our way, we become the light of the world and victorious in Christ. Our lives will always be better, even if it seems harder at times and perhaps even less fulfilling at times, when we stay on course. And even though the journey may seem long and difficult, God will always be with us through whatever struggles we have. The devil would love for us to believe that God has abandoned us, forsaken us, deceived us, and/or left us for dead, but that will always ever only be the devil’s own doing—his way of trying to make us stumble, blame God, and to turn away from what we know is right and true. But if we resist him, and hold true to God and to what is right, in the end will we always be better off.

When life is unfair, it is hard not to complain, get angry, depressed, or fall off course. It seems so contradictory to try and do what is right only to get bad things in return. But we have to keep in mind, it is not God sending those lemons our way; it is the devil. We cannot ever forget that, or we will truly become lost. It is when those lemons are being hurled at us that we should hold on the strongest to what we know in our hearts is right; when we should turn to God and cling onto Him with every ounce of our being. And, if we do that, even though we may have some length of time struggling, He will always see us through to a better end than what we’d have with the alternative.

Everybody's Gay

2011-09-07T11:49:00.001-05:00

I hear people talk about having gaydar and just knowing when someone else is gay, but the truth is I have no idea how to determine something like that just by looking at someone. There have been a lot of people who I thought might be gay, but who turned out to be very much straight. Then there have been a few who I would have never thought was gay who actually were gay. So, if you’re like me and your gaydar just doesn’t seem to work, how can you find out if someone truly is gay? Of course, you can just ask a person, but personally I find this a bit rude and awkward. So, unless they just tell you they are gay, how can you know?

One of the biggest methods I have used, and that I think is probably the most reliable method in determining someone’s sexuality, is to look at their eyes. Who gets their attention? If a man and a woman walk by at the same time, which one will be looked at? If a man is gay, of course his eyes may follow that hot looking guy as he goes by, and he may completely disregard the hot looking woman. If a man is straight, of course his eyes will go to the woman, and he will completely disregard the guy. Without a person actually telling you that they are gay, I think this has to be the best way of determining which side their bread is buttered on.

Now, in all truth, some people are as obvious as night and day, and they make no bones about it what they like. But not everyone is so out. A lot of gay people, if not probably the majority, don’t actually go around advertising that they are homosexual. Not all gay men are going to wear makeup, tight clothing (some of which are women’s), and rainbow colored jewelry (as certain stereotypes depict). And not all gay women are going to have close-cropped hair, wear flannel shirts, and get their arms tattooed. Nor is every gay guy very effeminate or gay woman very masculine in voice or mannerisms. Some people are those ways and are indeed gay. There again, some people may be like that and not be gay. And, though I would question any guy wearing rainbow colored jewelry, I have actually known a straight guy who a few years ago got a rainbow colored tattoo not realizing the rainbow had become a symbol for the gay community—wasn’t he embarrassed.

The point I’m getting at is that a lot of people want to look at stereotypes as clues to ones sexuality, but that a lot of times, those stereotypes are just that: stereotypes that don’t really mean anything. Sometimes you can go by the stereotypes and get things right, but sometimes you can go by them and get things wrong. Just think of the big and built football player who turns out to be gay, or the sweet, mousy looking florist who turns out to be gay. Or how about the quiet artistic high school boy who turns out to be straight, or the athletic tomboy who turns out to be straight? None of these people fit the accepted stereotypes in our society.

And so I say the hell with stereotypes. Not just in using them to determine someone’s sexuality, but just in general. They are stupid. They are stupid because they do not always cross cultural lines and because they do not take into account all the different forms of human self-expression. Some straight people may like some traditionally gay things and vice versa. Who knows?

So, if you ask me, the only real ways of knowing if someone is gay is if they tell you somehow that they are, if they get caught in some sort of gay act, or by maybe some close observation of the eyes to see who tends to more frequently catch their attention. And by no means are any of these three methods completely reliable. I’ve heard straight people say they were gay as part of a joke or whatnot, or straight guys doing gay porn for money or doing something out of mere curiosity, and maybe even a straight guy’s eyes go more to other guys than gals because he is self-conscious in comparison to other guys, or whatever. So, even those aren’t completely reliable ways of knowing for sure if someone really is gay, but they are definitely more reliable than looking only at the stereotypes.

What I really want to get across here by all of this is that I wish people would just stop obsessing about who is gay and who is not gay. It seems that anymore, everybody is looked at and questioned from one time or another for one reason or another. Oh, you sounded a little high pitched when you said that… you must be gay. Oh, your hair is so short… you must be gay. Oh, you like sports or don’t like sports… you’re gay, you’re gay, you’re gay. It just gets so old listening to people trying so hard to figure it out so that they can out everyone. I even heard lately a theory that Mike and Frank from American Pickers are gay. What!? As far as I can see, there is no basis to that accusation whatsoever. Just because you see a show where two guys drive around all the time, cross country without their women, doesn’t mean they must be gay. And so, as I said, it just gets old with me how everyone keeps trying to figure out if this person or that person is gay. If they’re looking for a date, I suppose it matters, but for a lot of people it’s just that they’re looking to throw some dirt on someone else just because they see an opportunity to do so. And I get so tired of that sort of thing. You’d think the way people act these days that everybody must be gay. But why should anyone really care?

What's Going On? (or: A Tale of Two Tuesdays)

2011-08-23T16:48:00.002-05:00

Last Tuesday was just one of those days. It began early with a visit to the doctor’s office with my grandma (her visit, not mine). I sat in the waiting room for about an hour before she came out and told me she was given another appointment for an x-ray at the hospital the following morning to help determine if she was having small pin strokes. I was worried upon hearing that. When we got back to the car we decided to go for a little drive just as an excuse to stay out a little longer, and since she’d been cooped up quite a bit lately I figured it’d do her some good and take her mind off of some things.

Our little drive turned out to be the best part of the day. When we got back, my mom called me saying that dad had been trying to get a hold of me, something about my grandpa. So, I said goodbye to my maternal grandma and headed home to call Dad. It turned out that he had had to leave work because my paternal grandpa had gotten ill. He had been looking for me to see if I could go and stay with him so that he wouldn’t have to leave work. My paternal grandma, who usually would have taken care of the problem, just so happened to be out of town with my aunt for her own doctor’s visit. But it turned out dad was able to take care of him and he got to feeling better by the time my grandma got back in the county. I was likewise worried about all of this.

Then, a few hours later when mom got home, she had brought my cousin’s girls home with her because my cousin’s wife’s mom had been taken to the hospital due to her cancer, and so they needed someone to look after the girls. At this point, I cancelled going to the movies that night with my brother (something that had been planned for over a week at that point), which caused a big fight between the two of us—the last thing I needed at that moment. That crisis got resolved though. Later that night, however, when my cousin and his wife showed up to get the girls, my cousin’s wife passed out on the front porch as a result of her blood sugar dropping due to diabetes. We finally got her taken care of and they all left.

And as if that hadn’t been enough drama and turmoil for one day, my nephews decided to throw one of the biggest tantrums of the year while getting ready for bed, to which it took no less than an hour getting them calmed and settled.

By the time I got in bed I literally felt like it had been the day from hell. I was exhausted, worried, and an emotional wreck. All in all, it was just a horrible day.

Today, however, has been in stark contrast to last Tuesday. I slept in to about 9:30am. I sauntered through to the kitchen and made a cup of what turned out to be some very delicious coffee. I watered some plants out on the porch and sat on the swing enjoying the mild weather for a few minutes. Then I went back in and got the computer out and checked my email and the latest news. I did some writing and listened to some music. There have been no reports of anyone being sick or anything else bad happening. There’ve been no worrying, blowups, or other crises going on. And it’s honestly been rather quiet around the house for a change.

Altogether, it has been turning out to be a really good day. But, looking back to last week, it just amazes me how different two days can be. One day, things can be falling apart all around you, and the next day, everything goes just as good as can be.

I am glad for the good days.

Better Days

2011-08-20T17:36:00.003-05:00

A few years ago when I was struggling to the point of just not even wanting to live anymore or wake up in the morning, this was one of a few songs that really did help lift me up. I still love this song, but it is hard for me to listen to now because it reminds me of just how awful I did feel. I am usually reminded of one particularly painful day when I was coming home in the evening, crying in my car, and this song came on the radio on K-LOVE. But there is just so much hope in this song. If you're having a rough patch, maybe it will help give you some hope as well for some truly better days to come. This is Better Days by the Robbie Seay Band. Enjoy.

Point of Grace - How You Live

2011-07-30T16:48:00.004-05:00

I know this song is a few years old now, but it's one I've always really liked and thought maybe some of you might like it as well if you've never heard it before. There are so few songs out there with such a meaningful and great message as this one presents. It's just beautiful, and so inspiring.

God's Poll Numbers?

2011-07-27T23:04:00.003-05:00

Earlier today I heard on CNN that a poll had been conducted asking people to rate God's job performance. I thought the idea of such a poll was ridiculous at the time, and after reading some more facts about it here, I am confidant I was right: this poll is ridiculous.

It is more than ridiculous, though. The fact that people are being asked to judge God on his job performance is just wrong on so many levels. Who are any of us to fault God with anything? He's the creator and master of all the universe, for crying out loud. How can any of us ever presume to know better than He does?

The arrogance of this poll just astounds me. At least more (although only slightly) than half of Americans approve of how God is handling things though.

Acceptance

2011-07-26T01:15:00.005-05:00

I’ve spent the last several years trying to figure myself out. What job I want, where I want to live, whether I want kids or not, what sort of writer I want to be, whether I’m gay or not, whether or not I want to be openly gay, whether or not I want to try to become straight, what my religious beliefs are, what sort of friends I want and how to get them, etc.

I feel like I’ve figured out a lot of these issues. And it’s been hard dealing with each of them. None of the right answers have just fallen on my lap, or been given to me. I’ve fought and struggled, went to pieces and picked myself back up again (and on many occasions was actually picked up by others). But none of the decisions I’ve had to make were easy. None of the things I’ve gone through concerning these things was easy.

Today I went for a long overdue haircut appointment. I walked in, got a seat to wait my turn, and was polite and courteous to everyone else there. I was glad to see the lady who cuts my hair. She’s only cut it three or four times now, but she’s always worked in the established I’ve gone to for the last eight years or so. So, I knew her well enough, and was glad to see her.

After a few minutes, my hair stylist struck up a conversation with one of the other two people in the room being waited on. I sat back and listened as the two of them talked about a recent high school graduate who was no longer welcome at the establishment. This got my attention because I’d never known anyone who was not welcome to get their haircut there. As the conversation continued, I found out why. The person they were talking about was an openly gay teen who had been getting his haircut there for years. The reason he was no longer welcome was because he had brought his boyfriend into the store to get his haircut with him, and because my hair stylist and former one (who owns the store) did not approve of their relationship.

I listened to this conversation with such a huge gut wrenching feeling. Neither of these two people who I have known for years now knows that I am gay. They don’t know all the pain and struggle I’ve gone through in trying to come to terms with the fact that I am sexually attracted to other men. And they probably have no idea how much that young teen boy has gone through either.

The conversation continued. I listened as they talked about how far our society has gone to accept homosexuality and make it okay or cool to be gay, and how our schools are teaching kids it’s okay to be gay, and how immoral all of it is.

I felt crushed. I felt like what had started off as a good day had all of a sudden been totally trashed. And, still, I could not find the courage to out myself in front of them and tell them what I really thought of the whole thing.

No one has to like what decisions I make in life. No one has to like anyone else’s decisions in life. But when someone makes a decision about the way they want to live their life, in ways that do not affect the way other people live theirs, I find it immoral of anyone to judge them for that.

I don’t care if it is a sin to be in a homosexual relationship or not. If someone chooses that for himself or herself, what does that matter to anyone else? Feel sorry, sad, talk to with care, or pray for the person, but do not act as though they’re the scum of the earth just because you disapprove. What gets me is that both hair stylists wouldn’t bat an eye if an unmarried, sexually active, straight couple came into their store, or if a straight couple shows public displays of affection, but somehow they do have a problem with gay couples. There is hypocrisy there.

People don’t have to like the decisions I make in life. But then again, these are my decision, not theirs. These are decisions that I have had to wrestle with to come to some conclusion. So, until they’ve walked in my shoes, I find it incredibly rude and uncaring for them to make a big deal about what I’ve decided for myself. It is my life, and certain decisions, like whether or not to be gay, are personal decisions that do not affect the way other people live their lives anyway. Sometimes I just want to tell other people to go to hell. Because that’s how they make me feel: like hell. And I’d say that’s exactly how they made that young gay couple feel. They rejected them outright.

Today, I wished Jesus was who I went to to cut my hair. If he was, I know I’d have not heard the conversation I heard today. And I may have even seen that gay couple sitting there beside me, waiting for their turn. Jesus never turned people away from him. So why do so many Christians today feel that they need to do that to others? It’s because they dislike, are scared, and are angered by those who are different from them, and because being around people who are different makes them question their worldview. Well, if you ask me, that’s not living very Christ-like.

My name is Brandon. I want to become a great teacher. I want to live near where I grew up. At this time, I’m not so sure that I want kids of my own (I have my nephews). I want to write children’s books, spy thrillers, suspense mysteries, and some historical nonfiction books. I am gay, but celibate. I do not want to be openly gay to everybody. I don’t care if I ever become straight or not—it really doesn’t matter. I am a Christian. And I want friends who will treat others the way they’d like to be treated, as I treat others the way I’d like to be treated. These are my decisions, and I accept them in full. If you don’t accept them, keep it to yourself, because at the end of the day, it’s my life and I have to live it the way I see is best for me, not as you see is best for you.

On Friendly Ground

2011-07-23T01:10:00.001-05:00

I’ve never been able to understand other peoples’ concepts of friendship. For me, once you’re a friend you are, generally speaking, always a friend. And it doesn’t matter so much to me if you’re a friend from work, school, church, or elsewhere.

A lot of people seem to want to categorize their friends in a way that I just don’t understand. Friends at work are only friends while at work. Friends from school are only friends at school. And the same applies to the other imaginable categories. But why is this?

I know there are several people who I call friend that would probably only call me an acquaintance. And herein is a very subtle line, because there are some people who I’d also only call an acquaintance who may in fact call me a friend. Really, should there even be a difference though? I think there is an obvious difference. For me, an acquaintance is someone who you are on friendly terms with, but is not someone who you know very well or have spent much time with. A friend, on the other hand, is someone you know fairly well, who you’ve most likely shared some emotional bond with.

But what I don’t understand is how some people can toss their friendships with people to the side, as if it meant, or means, nothing. Friendship is one of the best things a person can have, and yet I see people all the time who don’t seem to care about their friends. I know I’ve not always been the best friend in the world. I tend to isolate myself far too often, and in doing so I end up pushing people away that I don’t mean to push away.

Time. Now there’s something that can end a friendship. For me, time usually means nothing. As I said, once a friend, usually always a friend—that’s just how I roll. But for some, if you’ve not been around each other for awhile, well, that just means the friendship is finished. I don’t get that. In my mind, if there has been some time go by, well, to be reunited or reconnected somehow should be a good thing—just pick up where you last left off.

It bothers me when I care about people who no longer care about me simply because we haven’t been around each other for a while. I don’t change so much, so I just don’t get it. Why not keep on being friends? Do other people totally reinvent themselves every few months or so? I mean, I do realize time can change things. I’m not completely the same person I was in high school—far from it—but I can still be friends, or at the very least, friendly, with people I was friends with in high school. Other people can’t seem to do that for some reason.

But then I’ve never understood relationships between people anyway. In a lot of cases I’ve always seemed to be the odd man out. I just don’t understand why people can’t be friends with each other without all the restrictions.

Oh, well you’re only a friend when I’m at work; you’re only a church friend; you’re only a friend at school; It’s been too long for us to still be friends… I just don’t understand any of those sorts of thinking. So, if you are a friend of mine reading this now, I’d like you to know this: If you are my friend you are my friend, regardless of where we see each other the most, or how often we communicate with each other. You’ll always have a friend in me. If you are my friend, I value you too much for those other things to make any difference.

Ten Reasons Why Gay Marriage Will Ruin Society

2011-06-29T01:27:00.002-05:00

1. Being gay is not natural. Real Americans ™ always reject unnatural things like eyeglasses, polyester, and air conditioning.

2. Gay marriage will encourage people to be gay, in the same way that hanging around tall people will make you tall.

3. Legalizing gay marriage will open the door to all kinds of crazy behavior. People may even wish to marry their pets because a dog has legal standing and can sign a marriage contract.

4. Straight marriage has been around a long time and hasn’t changed at all; women are still property, blacks still can’t marry whites, and divorce is still illegal.

5. Straight marriage will be less meaningful if gay marriage were allowed; the sanctity of Britany Spears’ 55-hour just-for-fun marriage would be destroyed.

6. Straight marriages are valid because they produce children. Gay couples, infertile couples, and old people shouldn’t be allowed to marry because our orphanages aren’t full yet, and the world needs more children.

7. Obviously gay parents will raise gay children, since straight parents only raise straight children.

8. Gay marriage is not supported by religion. In a theocracy like ours, the values of one religion are imposed on the entire country. That’s why we have only one religion in America.

9. Children can never succeed without a male and a female role model at home. That’s why we as a society expressly forbid single parents to raise children.

10. Gay marriage will change the foundation of society; we could never adapt to new social norms. Just like we haven’t adapted to cars, the service-sector economy, or longer life spans.

I found this list online and couldn’t help but find the hypocrisy both amusing and sad. If anything, this list should help open the eyes of a lot of people. I believe if we are truly going to live in the land of the free, we should allow homosexual couples to marry. If it is an adult, consensual relationship, then who are any of us to dictate or interfere with it? Whether we believe it is sinful or not, it is not our place as Americans to forbid people from entering into such relationships if they should so choose. And as Christians, we cannot impose our beliefs on others.

The Simple Things in Life

2011-06-26T21:28:00.001-05:00

In the last few months I’ve been searching for a teaching job and giving some serious thought about where I want to live. Because of the poor economy, new teaching jobs have become rare where I currently live. The reality of the situation is that in order to find work I may have to move, and this has caused some concern on my part.

After years of increasing dislike with my surroundings, I would have thought that moving would be a good thing. Now, I’m not so sure. I keep thinking about all the things I actually do enjoy about where I live and what things I’d have to give up in order to move. This is not to suggest that I wouldn’t find things to like about living someplace else, but just that it wouldn’t be the same. As I said a couple of posts back, I’m not very readily accepting of change. Change takes deliberating, adjusting, and coming to grips with whatever has happened or needs to happen. It just usually takes me some time to wrap my finger around such things to a point where I feel comfortable.

I like living close by to family. I like that I live near a lake. I like that I live near a creek and woods. I like that there is something to like about all of the surrounding counties. I like that there is a good track nearby to go walking. I like that most stores and businesses are on one strip. I like the local school system. And I could go on and on, but I’ll finish just by saying that there really are many things I actually do enjoy about where I live. There are numerous things I also do not enjoy about it, but I can’t say that there is nothing I enjoy. And these things I enjoy have become clearer in recent months than they used to be.

With all this in mind I think I can say that I (and perhaps most people) tend to overcomplicate things. I can look at a situation that should be rather straightforward and simple, and next thing I know, it’s all complicated and difficult (if not paralyzing). It honestly doesn’t take much to make me happy. Sometimes I struggle with being happy, but I find that what usually triggers my unhappiness is when I fear, worry, or get too angry about something—all three emotions that should be kept in check at all times. Most things we fear we really have no reason to be afraid of—like the dark. Most things we worry about we wouldn’t have to worry about if we would simply allow God to lead and take care of us. Most things we get angry at we may have just (or even unjust) cause to be angry at, but we should always keep how we express that anger in check and not allow it to consume us or be displayed in negative ways.

I tend to fear, worry, and get angry perhaps a bit too easily at times. I look at the future and I fear and worry that things will not turn out as I would like. And then I can get angry at my circumstances, other people, or even at myself. None of these things are good to do. They usually only cause the complications. But, alas, this is just human nature and we all go through these things from time to time.

But most things really aren’t as complicated as we make them out to be. If we can keep our emotions in check and not get carried away, then our lives can be so much simpler. We don’t have to fear, worry, or get angry. We can just live and let whatever will be, be, and try to always make the most out of whatever our circumstances are. If we trust God to take care of us, all will be good in the end, wherever life takes us. And in all things along the way, we can always draw strength from the one who everlastingly loves us.

With these things in mind, I can look optimistically at my future. I don’t have to worry about not finding a job, or fear the unknowns of a new town to live in, or be angry if there are a few bumps along the way or if things don’t always go exactly as planned. God will take care of me and see me through.

God Only Knows

2011-06-08T03:06:00.002-05:00

I love this song. And for several reasons. First, it reminds me just how much I have needed everyone else in my life. Secondly, it reminds me that "God only knows" how things in my life could have been different and could be different and what the consequences of those differences would have meant or would mean in my life. Thirdly, it reminds me that God really is in control of my life. Fourthly (and I know this is far less important that the other reasons), it reminds me of summer. And fifthly, it's just a darn good song.

Thank God for the Beach Boys. I hope you enjoy.

Things Change

2011-06-04T14:28:00.002-05:00

I’ve never been one to handle life changes very well. Maybe I don’t handle any changes very well. I know things need to change from time to time, and I’m always open to suggestions or ideas from others. If someone comes up to me with a really good idea, I have no problem going with it, even if it means change on my part, because I know good is better, naturally. But when it comes to major life changes, I find them to be extremely difficult to go through.

I miss a lot of people. I’ve never been a social butterfly, if you will. I’ve never been one to get out much, and even if I did, in this neck of the woods there just honestly isn’t that much to do. I mean, literally, it’s a choice between going into the next county all the time (which takes gas money), or sitting in the local Kmart parking lot (boy, ain’t that fun!). And so, I just don’t get out much. What that means is that most friends I’ve made over the years have been people I went to school with, worked with, went to church with, or that I met online. I’m grateful for these friends, but when there’s a change in school, work, church, or online activity, I seem to lose touch with many of them. I miss my friends from high school. I miss all the different friends I made at my former job. I miss the people I used to go to church with. I miss my friends from college. And I miss some of my online friends. When things change, I know I am liable to end up falling out of touch with people and missing them. And so, I’m resistant to change.

I reflect a lot on my life. Certain moments, activities, and events I look back on with great fondness. Those are the good times, and… I miss them. I miss when my dad and I played video games together. I miss those calm, peaceful, nights when I worked at the lake. I miss student teaching. I miss going to Wednesday night prayer meetings. I miss going to college. I miss my old girlfriend. I miss when my nephews were babies.

There’s just so much I miss.

I’m too terribly sentimental about things. I leave a hotel room at the end of a vacation and stop and take a last look around to remember it, because I know once I walk out the door, I’ll probably never again be back in that same room. I understand completely why Lot’s wife probably felt that she had to look back before the destruction of Sodom. And I also understand why God told her not to look back. Sometimes it is best not to look back—especially if what you’re looking back at is on the shady side of things (or just outright sinful). But what if what you’re looking back on are the good times in life? In these cases, I think it’s best to remember them well, to cherish them in the bad times, and to always look to the future to include just as many, if not more, good times than the past.

It worries me when things look to be changing. There’s a great deal of unknowns that go along with that change. Will things be better, worse, the same but just different. You never really know upfront. But what helps me get through those worries, and to not worry as much as I otherwise could, is the fact that I know God is leading me in my life. When I look back, I see all the different ways he has guided me, and I see that He’s never failed me. I trust God that my future will hold great promise. I cling to the promise God makes to each of us in Jeremiah 29:11: “For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.” I believe in this with all of my heart. And so, whenever I begin feeling a bit too sentimental and clingy to the past or present, or worrisome about the future, I just try to remind myself of the promises and faithfulness of the Lord. With that in mind, things can change, and I can know that in the end I’ll be all right, that God will take care of me, and that there’s no reason to worry about whatever may come. God will see me through.

Memorial Day, 2011

2011-05-30T17:24:00.002-05:00

When I think of Memorial Day, a few things usually come to mind. I remember going with my paternal grandma to the graveyards when I was a kid. She has always been keen on visiting the hundreds of graves of those she’s known. On at least two separate Memorial Day weekends she took me along with her. Now, some may think this would be boring or perhaps even morbid for a kid, but I did actually enjoy going along with her. I enjoyed it because my grandma would tell me all sorts of stories about the people whose graves we visited. I learned a lot about my family’s history that way. And I also really enjoyed all the unique places we’d go. You wouldn’t believe how many graveyards really are hid around the countryside. I remember us going to a few that only just had what could be called a road leading up to them. Some were in the woods, some were overgrown by thick bushes, some were on the hillsides, some within others’ property, and some were really kept up and so forth. Seeing so many of them, I’ve always kept in mind how easy it must be to become buried in a patch of weeds (it really is dependent on the caretaker, and whether or not anyone lives who does still care about the condition of the graves of those buried there). My grandma and I really did visit a great many of sites that were getting quite overtaken by nature. And that’s sad, really, to think about, because it means that a good portion of those who have been buried in such cemeteries have probably been forgotten; either their family and friends moved on, died off themselves, or just simply forgot about them. I find an unkept grave a very sad thing. Perhaps that is why I’ve often thought more favorably toward cremation (at least for myself).

Memorial Day also makes me think of my maternal grandpa, who died when I was around four. I don’t have many memories of him, but I do recall a couple with great fondness (I really do wish I could have known him better). I remember him on Memorial Day because my maternal grandma, mom, and aunt have always made sure to lay flowers on his grave on this day, and they always make a big to do about it. I also remember him because he was buried, and the first thought about having gone to the cemeteries with my paternal grandma as a kid always leads me to think of the cemetery where he is buried. And then, perhaps the biggest reason why I remember him on this day is because he was a soldier in World War II.

This leads me to my next thought about Memorial Day: the soldiers who have died in defense of our country. I’m not sure why, but I mostly want to reflect on WWII soldiers and the sacrifices they made during that war. It is probably only because I relate to that war having knowledge of my grandfather’s activities in it, but also because, I admit, I have played a great deal of WWII shooter video games. Because of those two things I just sort of automatically picture WWII troops whenever I think of soldiers (not to offend or belittle any other veterans—you’re all awesome).

After that, Memorial Day makes me recall all the holiday weekends when I worked on the lake. Good grief those could be busy weekends. We’d all work ourselves to death nearly. But they were good because it meant a lot of extra change in my pocket and I always managed to get a good tan that weekend to kick off the summer with. And, of course, I recall family trips and get-togethers as well.

I am glad we celebrate Memorial Day in this country. I know a lot of times people don’t often actually reflect on those who have died, but instead use this day only as a great time off. I don’t hold that against anyone, per se, because it is great to get some time off every now and then however you can get it. But I do wish more people would actually take at least some time to think back on those who have gone on. It only takes a little bit of time to actually reflect on past friends and family members, and I think it is especially befitting to at least take some amount of time on this holiday to say a quick prayer for and to thank all those who serve our country. After all, that is what this holiday was created for.

Anyway, those are my thoughts on this day. I hope everyone has had a good holiday, whatever you did.

Little Differences (or: What if?)

2011-05-28T20:55:00.002-05:00

Today I woke up with thoughts toward going on a road trip—the view out the window just said it was too good a day to stay at home. There are some nice hilly areas south of where I live with lots of waterways and sites to see. I love going on drives like that, just seeing what nature has to offer. I find it peaceful, really. But, however, I did not go on such a trip today. I was approached, instead, by some of my family to go shopping, eat out, and watch a movie in the city to our east. I thought long about this, but, likewise, decided not to go.

So, what did I do today? I spent today in quiet peace at home by myself. Even though it was such a beautiful day out, something just told me it would be better to stay at home. So, I sat out on the back porch swing and drank a cup of coffee for about thirty minutes or so, played through the second Call of Duty video game for about five hours, read two chapters from a James Bond book I’d not got around to reading yet, did some writing, watched a little television, and just in general, was a true bum.

I don’t regret how I spent this day. But the thought does cross my mind how the day might have been different had I taken one of those other plans. Had I left the house today, just what would have happened? I could have had a better day, or a worse day. I might have had the best trip of my life, or I could have had the worst, or even worse, the last trip of my life. One can never know just how different things could be for them if only they’d made one decision or action differently in life. And for that matter, just how different would their actions make the lives of those around them?

When I look beyond this day at the rest of my life, I see good decisions and bad decisions. Some things I’m sure were the right things to do, and other things were definitely the wrong things to do. We all have those what if moments though, where we imagine how differently our lives could be if only this or that had been different. But that is just life. We can make the most of any situation, deal with the consequences of our actions, circumstances, or the actions of others that impact us, and try to move on as best we can. Or, we can make the least of things. We can enjoy the lives we’ve led, or dislike them. We can approve of our actions, or disapprove of them. Either way, each person’s life is defined, at least in part, by what actions he or she has made.

I could have gone on one of two trips today, but I’m glad I didn’t go on any. Could my day have been better than it was? Possibly. But I stand by my decision, and today was what it was.

Aren't We a Bunch of Misfits

2011-05-21T01:31:00.002-05:00

I think about how much being online has helped me the past few years. When I needed help dealing with being gay and Christian, trying to figure myself out, looking for anyone who I could talk to and who would understand, I was able to turn to online resources.

I found Exodus International to begin with. Now, I know a lot of people don’t like Exodus, and there are several reasons not to like Exodus, but regardless of those reasons, Exodus did help me… tremendously. You see, growing up where I did, being gay just wasn’t acceptable at all. There was only one person I knew who I went to school with who was gay and came out. And when he did, the harassing and torment the other students put him through drove him right out of school. And it wasn’t much better for anyone else who was thought to be gay. I was thought to be gay—even though I didn’t even know how to feel or think about the issue myself at the time. The point is that being gay was not at all something that one dared admit to anyone else—even if you were Christian trying not to give into your desires, as I was. There do seem to be a lot more high school kids willing to come out these days, but a good deal of them are still met by a very large degree of discrimination and bullying. They’re looked down upon.

I never thought I could tell anyone I was gay. To do that scared me something fierce. For anyone just to find out on their own I was gay scared me as well. I always feared that if people knew, they’d treat me far worse than a lot of them already did. And so I kept quiet for what seemed like a very long time, and pretended that a very big problem in my life wasn’t really all that bad at all.

When my brother found out I was gay in 2005, and confronted me about it, I was tormented beyond reason, and I had no clue who to turn to for help. Alone—for too long—I finally searched online for someone who could help me with my problems. What I found was Exodus International. On their website, I read other people’s stories, saw their pictures, and read their articles about all sorts of particular related issues. For the first time in my life, I discovered how not alone I really was in the world. I discovered there were a lot of other guys just like me, struggling with their identity. I saw how similar our stories were, how alike we looked, and I drew much strength and wisdom from their writings.

I eventually decided to seek out a counselor from Exodus so that I could talk to someone on a personal level. I found Paul. Paul was very good to me. He listened, didn’t judge, gave me advice when needed, and pushed me to be a better person. He helped me more than he could probably ever know. We emailed each other for a year or two, and finally I got the nerve to talk with him on the phone (keep in mind how terrified I was at the thought of other people knowing about me). We talked to each other a few times, and that in itself was a huge help. He talked to me like I was normal, a friend, and someone who still had value and dignity as a human being. Knowing Paul certainly helped change my life for the better. He helped me break down so many barriers and gave me so much hope and strength. I am eternally grateful for him.

Exodus also helped me in another way. On their homepage, they frequently linked to articles written by people on other websites. I soon found myself commenting to others on what they had written. By that, I met two very important people in my life. One was a young college student battling with same-sex attraction in Maryland, who had written about his struggles in his local university newspaper. I wrote to him at first to encourage him. I wanted him to know how brave I thought he was to write what he had, and to let him know he wasn’t alone, and that I would be praying for him and would help him if he needed it. We began emailing each other, and eventually we became great friends. This particular friend has meant more to me the last few years than he could ever know. He is a friend unlike any other I have ever had, and I thank God for introducing me to him. The other person I met, I also thank God for, because he pushed me to think about gay issues on a much broader spectrum and from many alternative positions (to not be as closed-minded), and because he introduced me to College Jay’s blog. When I read Jay’s blog, I loved it immediately, and I thought, “Why don’t you make your own blog?” And so I quickly did make my own blog—this blog. Through it, I have met so many people. I’ve made several friends simply because of this blog. And I’ve gained much strength, wisdom, guidance, and love from them, too.

It always amazes me how much one thing can lead to another. One website led to a much needed counselor, to an endless array of self-help resources, and to two friends. One of those friends led to a blog, which then led to many more friends, as well as sharing of ideas and encouragement. Everything becomes so interconnected. And that’s the power of the internet. It can connect the world in a way that just wasn’t conceivable only a couple of decades past. Without question, the internet has helped change my life, and a great deal of others’, in some very positive ways.

As I stated earlier, I live in an area of the country where being gay, in whatever sense you may be, is not a very popular thing to be. Growing up, this made me fearful, unconfident, self-loathing, and alone. But the internet helped change all that, because it allowed me the opportunities to meet some of the most wonderful people I’d have never known otherwise. And each of these people helped me. They befriended me, encouraged me, sympathized with me, taught me, prayed for me, and motivated me to become a better person. And as much as they did those things for me, I hope I’ve been able to likewise do for them.

We are the misfits, who found each other in this mysterious other world. And I thank God for leading me to each of you. I know I am a better person today, happier in life, mostly figured out, with more friends than I ever had before, and more possibilities and hope than I ever dreamed I’d have. Just ten years ago, I wouldn’t have imagined I’d be where I am today. And again, I have to thank God, because he led me to the ones who helped me to get where I am today. He saw me through. He’s answered so many of my prayers. And I can say without question, He used the internet to help answer a great many of them.

Bin Laden, Dead

2011-05-17T17:20:00.002-05:00

When I first found out Osama Bin Laden had been killed a few weeks ago, I have to admit, my first instincts were to rejoice. I was glad he had been killed. To some extent, I am still glad about what happened, but I want to clarify my thinking.

I am glad Bin Laden is no longer alive to be able to spread his message of hate, to cause and promote violence throughout the world, and therefore influence and cause so much harm, sadness, and destruction in the lives of so many around the world. I am glad he was killed for this reason only.

Am I glad he died the way he did? No. Am I glad he lived the sort of life he did, which led to the sort of death he got? No. Do I wish him in hell or believe he’s in hell? No, and I won’t speculate on the matter either--that's for God to judge, not me. Would I have rather him turned himself in or have been captured rather than killed? Yes. Did I wish he’d have reformed his ways? Yes.

I am not glad Bin Laden led the life he did, which caused his untimely death. I am not glad he is dead for the pure sake that he’s dead. I am not glad he’s dead because I think he’s in hell. I am not glad he’s dead because I thought it’s what he deserved. The only reason I am glad is because now he can no longer cause the evil and harm to others that he was so dedicated toward.

I feel the same about Bin Laden as I did Saddam Hussein, or other people put to death or killed because of their violence. It saddens me that they led the lives they did which caused such violent and untimely deaths for themselves. Hitler’s death, for instance, was nothing to be happy about when considering the life, promise, and hope he gave away. He was a man who had the potential to be a great leader who could have taken Germany to true prosperity, freedom, and peace. Instead, he used his power and life to promote some of the worst evils ever committed against mankind, and led his country and people to ruins. He drove himself mad and, ultimately, out of desperation, fear, and hopelessness, took his own life. History will forever remember Hitler as being perhaps the greatest evil threat ever posed to humanity. That’s not a happy story or a life worth emulating. However, I am glad Hitler died when he did. His death meant the end of a great deal of human suffering. That is something to rejoice about. Not his death, but the affect his death had on the rest of the world. It is the same with Bin Laden. His death is nothing to rejoice over, but the results of it certainly are.

I rejoice in the fact that Bin Laden can no longer do any harm.

Mary, Mother of God

2011-05-14T14:00:00.001-05:00

I used to be very much opposed to many Catholic beliefs. I didn’t believe that the Eucharist actually was Christ’s flesh and blood, but only a symbolic representation of them. I didn’t believe it necessary to seek out forgiveness of my sins from other Christians (those sins which I didn’t directly perceive to pertain to them). I didn’t believe (or actually just didn’t know about) the sacraments. I didn’t believe Mary was or should be called the mother of God. And I didn’t believe in the hierarchy of the church (I still question this point to some extent, but I have grown to accept that some degree of leadership should be about to help connect all groups of Christians).

These are all points in which I have changed my views in the last few years. I very much believe in the sacraments now. I find it hard to believe Christ’s presence can’t be found in certain events or things. I believe one Christian’s sins do in fact affect the rest of the body of Christ, and so therefore forgiveness should be asked for from other Christians (a priest or other Christian of authority to speak on behalf of all other Christians that indeed your sins have been forgiven). I believe the Eucharist literally is transformed into the blood and flesh of Jesus Christ. I accept this somewhat cannibalistic notion because Christ is noted in the bible as having said, in so many words, that the bread and wine are his flesh and blood, and because the oldest established Christian beliefs pertaining to this, belong to Catholics, who accept Jesus’ teaching on the matter very literally. And I do believe Mary is and can be called the mother of God.

On that last belief, I can use some very basic reasoning to justify. Jesus said he was God. Jesus was born of Mary. So, therefore, Mary was the mother of God. I think it’s as simple as that.

I know a lot of Christians don’t believe this, but it’s because they want to debate which came first (the chicken or the egg?) in this matter, but that really isn’t necessary or an accurate approach. Of course, with most humans, our beginnings are from conception within our mothers from which we are born. But God’s beginning was not as ours. He was well alive and in spirit long before his conception as a human. Looking at things in this light, stating that he was born as a human through Mary, we should have no problem calling Mary the mother of God. A lot of Christians want to look at the Catholic’s view on this as Catholics saying Mary was before God, but that is a serious misunderstanding. Catholics simply recognize that Mary gave birth to God, as God being in human form (part of the trinity). If you’re a Christian who believes Jesus was God, and Mary was indeed Jesus’ mother, then Mary must have been the mother of God. If you don’t believe that, then you must either believe Jesus wasn’t God, or that Mary wasn’t really Jesus’ mother.

Anyway, my whole point to all of this is that as I’ve grown into my faith, my beliefs on certain points have changed. I’m not saying I’ve become Catholic, but I am much more sympathetic to those viewpoints than I ever used to be.

Come On, Sugar

2011-05-11T01:02:00.004-05:00

This song just makes me want to dance. I love it. It's called Come On, Sugar, by Joseph Birdsong. Joe's a member of the 5awesomegays on Youtube. If you've never checked out any of his videos, you should. He's so funny, and his energy is completely contagious.

Now that the song promo is out of the way, I want to apologize for not writing much lately. It occurred to me a few days ago that my blog's fourth anniversary has come and gone. As always, with each passing year, it amazes me how much time has transpired. I go back and read some of my older posts sometimes just to see how much life has changed. I can tell you, it has changed in some very significant ways. But to get back on point, I hope to write a bit more regularly in the following weeks. I've been trying to get my butt in gear and actually get more focused on my writing, not just for this blog, but for other projects as well. I have several books in the work, many started, but I do need to work harder to finish them. I swear, I'm all beginnings, but I suppose that's better than never even trying.

Anyway, just to fill everyone in on a bit of what's been going on with me, I'm heavily in the job searching business right now. Having graduated at Christmas with a teaching degree, I realized it might be a struggle finding a teaching job until next fall, but I am really getting desperate for work. I'd really like to get the next phase of my life up and going, and I just really miss being in the schools more.

Also, I sprained my ankle a few weeks ago. That put me out of commission for awhile. I honestly thought I'd broke it when it happened. It hurt terribly the first few days, and I couldn't even walk on it or without the aid of crutches. I am, thankfully, a lot better now, but believe me, when that baseball is soaring high over your head and you're standing on wet grass, don't be an idiot like me and try to jump up to grab it. Just let it go flying by, because otherwise you'll be likely to do what I did: come smack down in the wet grass, twist your foot inward, and find yourself screaming in the worst agony imaginable as the ligaments rip and tear apart inside your foot. Believe me, it's not fun. Let the ball fly by.

And that's pretty much the highlights of my life right now: sprained ankle, looking for work, and trying to write more (naturally, there really has been more to it than that, but I have to keep you wondering what else there is for future posts).

Stay young and free, whatever age you are! :)

The Family of God

2011-04-10T00:49:00.003-05:00

I'm so glad I'm a part of the family of God
I've been washed in the fountain, cleansed by his blood
joint heirs with Jesus as we travel this sod
for I'm part of the family, the family of God

I love this song. It's one of my favorite hymns. A few years ago when I was really struggling to feel as though I belonged anywhere, this hymn really did help me to feel as though I belonged in church and with other Christians. It really did help me to feel as though I was a part of something so special, even though so much of the time I honestly felt so unapart of it. This song helped me. Maybe it can help you too. I wish I could have found a better video, but at least with this one you can get a pretty good idea of it, and maybe you can find a better version on your own.

In the Image of God

2011-03-21T13:15:00.001-05:00

I have heard people say that the way we view God is often in relation to how we view our fathers. If we view our fathers positively, we will likely view God positively. If we view our fathers negatively, we will likely view God negatively. I believe this is true because it seems to mirror how I have felt about God before. There have been times in my life when I felt a lot of anger, disappointment, sadness, or frustration with my dad, and, looking back, I can see how during those times, some of those same feelings were projected onto God as well. Then, there have also been times when I got along really well with my dad, felt very close to him, and likewise felt that way toward God. Knowing that God is the ultimate father, it is simply hard not to compare our earthly fathers to him. However, I would say that our view of God may be influenced by more than just our fathers.

From biblical teaching, we know that God is always referred to in the male form, but that he created both male and female in his own image. So, mightn’t our view of God also be in light of how we view our mothers? I think it is certainly possible. Our mothers, above all, can show us the gentleness of God, the patience of God, and the unconditional love of God, perhaps better than our fathers ever could. I say this because these are characteristics more commonly expressed by females than males, but not to mean that all women are like this or that no man can be; either could be true. With this in mind, if the relationship with our mothers becomes strained, might we not also experience a strain in our relationship with God?

There is another area of influence which goes beyond gender itself, and one which I believe more commonly influences our relationship with God than anything else does, and that is in our relationships with those of authority. Our fathers and mothers are certainly authority figures, but so are church elders and deacons, preachers, grandparents (or older relatives), teachers, politicians, and employers. These are people we can look up to or look down upon, have good relationships with or poor relationships with. If we feel unloved, uncared for, and unwanted by one or both of our parents, by a teacher, an elder or deacon in church, a preacher, or our boss, might we not also feel that their treatment of us in this regard is an extension of how God feels about us? If we constantly disapprove of and mistrust our political leaders, might we not also grow to feel the same about God? All of this is possible, because of the correlation we may see consciously or unconsciously between those having great authority over our lives, and God, who we are told has the greatest authority, not only over our lives but over everything.

Two other areas of influence may be in our relationships with peers and how we view ourselves. If our peers reject us, then might we not also feel rejected by God? When one is friendless, it is easy to become isolated, lonely, bitter, resentful, and just in general to become an outcast, if not in reality then at least in mind where the thought that nobody, including God, must want anything to do with you. And if you begin to think little of yourself, for whatever reason, it can certainly become difficult imagining anyone else feeling any better about you. If our peers flock to us thinking we are really something special, though, then might we not also feel that God wants to be with us and thinks we are special? If we feel good about ourselves, or like whom we are, then might we not also be more likely to think God will like us too? I think it is possible.

Looking at all of this, it is very likely, at least to my mind, that our view of God can be greatly viewed as an extension of how we view others in our lives who hold similar traits to God. Here’s an example just to illustrate this theory. If a man’s father wants nothing to do with him, his mother isn’t gentle, caring or considerate in her approach to him, his preacher, teacher, or other authority figures are not patient with him or have broken his trust somehow, and his peers reject him, then might that same man not also come to believe that, in general, he isn’t wanted, loved, respected or cared about by anyone, including God? After all, if everyone else treats him a certain way, why would God be any different? Mustn’t there be something about him that makes him unworthy of God? It is easy to see the mindset that can form against God when looking at how people treat each other. Maybe that is why Jesus commanded us to do to others the way we would want done unto us. Our influence over each other is so profound and lasting that it can reach all aspects of our lives, including influencing our relationship with God.

The good news, however, is that God is not everybody else. He is flawless, perfect, and pure in everything he does. Humans are not this way. We are fallen, imperfect, and certainly far from pure in most cases. Just because someone fails you, that doesn’t mean God will do the same. Just because someone hates you, doesn’t mean God hates you. Just because someone rejects you, doesn’t mean God will reject you. What we have to keep in mind is that we are in God’s image, and not the other way around. God is not an expression of us, we are an expression of him, one that has been weakened and flawed because of our sin. So when we view God through the lens of how we view others, we are wrong to do so. We can certainly see God at times through other people, but that doesn’t mean that we can see God in everything somebody else does. Only Jesus holds that distinction. The rest of us, too much of the time, fall short.

CNN (and other liberal media) v. Justin Bieber

2011-02-18T14:29:00.001-06:00

Justin Bieber has apparently kicked up quite a bit of controversy in a recent interview he did with Rolling Stone magazine. In the interview he was asked about his thoughts on a wide range of issues including religion, sex, healthcare, abortion, and certain other political thoughts.

On the issue of abortion, Bieber stated: “I really don’t believe in abortion. I think [an embryo] is a human. It’s like killing a baby.” When asked if he is anti-abortion even in cases of rape, he said, “Well, I think that’s really sad, but everything happens for a reason. I don’t know how that would be a reason. I guess I haven’t been in that position, so I wouldn’t be able to judge that.”

When I read some of the responses to his anti-abortion comments yesterday attached to a Netscape article, it seemed that most were of the opinion that until Bieber grows a vagina of his own, he should have no right to comment on abortion. I particularly found many of the responses insulting.

To begin with, abortion is not just a woman’s issue. Regardless, ladies, of what anyone would have you to believe, if you become pregnant, the fetus inside of you is not yours alone. Remember, it takes two to tango, and the creation inside of you belongs, in half, to someone else. It’s the same concept as if you swallowed a diamond that belongs equally to you and someone else and then claim that the diamond solely belongs to you because it is now inside of you. Nice try, but, sorry, no. Just because the diamond is inside of you, that doesn’t make it yours alone. It may do all those who believe so strongly in abortion to keep this in mind before they choose a sexual partner. You don’t want to get pregnant, then don’t have sex, and don’t have unprotected sex. And if you do become pregnant, the guy involved will have at least some say or involvement in the matter (usually far less than he should). Regardless, the guy will be in your life to some extent and you will have to deal with him. But to suggest that Justin Bieber should not be allowed an opinion about abortion just because he is male is so gender biased it is ridiculous. Abortion is not a woman’s rights issue, it is a human life issue, and that affects all of us, male and female.

What disgusts me the most about the reaction to Bieber’s comments however is the notion that his age (16) makes him too young to intelligently comment on such a thing as abortion. Several media hosts, including the ladies on the View and CNN’s Kyra Phillips, have brought the young pop star’s age into question.

While discussing the interview with her guest this morning, Phillips had the following things to say about Bieber. “When you don’t really know what you’re talking about at the age of sixteen, should you be addressing controversial issues like abortion?” She went on to say, “It just seems like something this young kid shouldn’t be talking about.” Her guest reacted by saying, “There’s no place for him to be commenting. He’s sixteen!” Then at the end of the discussion, Phillips concluded with, “He’s [Bieber] still very young, he’s got a lot of growing up to do, a lot of experiences to have, and then maybe when he matures a little bit he can talk about these issues.”

Now, I’m sorry, but are you, Phillips, really insinuating that because of his age, Bieber cannot talk intelligently about the issue? Furthermore, that he is wrong in his beliefs and will, in time, with more “maturity” realize he is wrong? Just who exactly do you think you are to suggest such a thing? The kid gave a valid opinion. He’s not eight years old, he’s sixteen. I’d hate to know a sixteen year old who has not given some thought about such a thing as abortion (especially considering the amount of teen pregnancies that still exist in this country). I remember students having opinions and writing essays about abortion when I was in the fifth and sixth grades (ages 11 to 12), and many of their arguments were based on the same ones I hear people talk about today. Believe it or not, young people do have opinions on matters such as this, and not all of them are uninformed, naïve, or misguided opinions. A lot of young people actually do research and take all of the arguments into consideration.

What the media is really concerned about is that Bieber—this phenomenal pop icon—actually, heaven forbid, has some conservative beliefs and doesn’t mind sharing them. It’s not about his age, it’s that he has a huge following, mostly comprised of teen girls, and the media can’t believe he would actually express a conservative viewpoint to all of those young female followers. So, to counter him, they have gone on a bashing spree to discredit his intelligence.

What’s more is that Bieber does not have some wild and absurd viewpoint. His opinion on abortion mirrors that of most conservatives in this country. I, a man in his late twenties, actually agree with Bieber’s viewpoints on abortion. When you are pro-life, you believe abortion is wrong, even sometimes in cases of rape. Having that belief, at any age, does not make you unintelligent. My own belief in this matter is based on the fact that I was conceived out of wedlock. My parents were unmarried high school students at the time. I realize they could have aborted me, and by some peoples standards my parents would have been more than justified in doing so. They were young (my mom only a year older at the time than Justin Bieber currently is), unmarried, had hopes of going to college, and knew they would face ridicule from others. I am glad they chose to let me live. I have seen politicians, businessmen, and others talk about being the product of rape, and likewise, being grateful that they too were not aborted, but given the chance to live. When you are the product of such experiences, you are more than intelligent on the matter. You are an expert, and your opinion should matter a great deal. When others express similar opinions, there viewpoints should matter as well, and not be belittled for reasons that are purely political.

So, I say to Kyra Phillips, and all those others who have tried to belittle Bieber, that you should be ashamed of yourselves. If you disagree with someone, that is one thing. You have a right to disagree. But to insinuate that someone is unintelligent or naïve simply because they disagree with you is morally wrong and unacceptable.

Political Ramblings

2011-02-05T01:00:00.005-06:00

I have to say there has been a lot going on lately. I haven't written about it yet--though I've certainly wished to (I've just been too distracted)--but I want to say a few words about the decision recently made by congress to repeal the military's policy of "Don't ask, don't tell", which banned homosexuals from openly serving in the military. I say now, it was about freaking time this was done. For a long time I have believed this ban to be one of the last great means of discrimination in the workforce. I know and understand some of the arguments people have had in favor of the ban. Some straight troops just do not want to shower and dress and sleep in the same places as gay ones. I can understand this. The problem, however, is that this was and is already happening--the straight troops just didn't know it. Perhaps people are just happier not knowing about the truths around them. But, I fail to see where this objection is sufficient to discriminate against gays. Implement a policy of respectfulness and, maybe, even a schedule of bathroom times (because in all honesty, I can understand straight guys not wanting gay guys to see them naked. As a gay man, it would make me somewhat uncomfortable as well on certain levels). Anyway, that's my thoughts on the subject. I just feel it was about time our government did this. It should have happened years ago. And I commend the democratic congress and President Obama for seeing this through (finally).

Something else I want to mention is the situation going on in Egypt. I won't take a side on the matter, because it's simply not my country and I don't know all of the issues going on. However, I do hope the level of violence seen in that country in the last few days will subside and whoever wins the conflict, a greater level of peace, prosperity, and freedom will come to the people there. And not only in Egypt, but for the people facing similar troubles in Yemen, Jordan, Syria, and other countries in the region as well. And now, to say something that I'm sure a great many will hate me for saying, this was something George W. Bush predicted would happen. Once people get a taste for freedom, freedom will spread like wildfire. To me, it looks like what Bush was saying all those years has actually started to take place. Maybe he knew a bit about what he was talking about after all.

Now I leave you with this incredibly great song by the Newsboys titled Born Again. Enjoy!

Darling I Do

2011-01-10T00:25:00.007-06:00

This is quite possibly the most beautiful song I've ever heard.

Of late, I can say that life has been good. I am officially a college graduate now, which is something that seemed so very long in the making. I honestly didn't know a few years ago if that would even be possible. When I first got back in school, it had been after a five year hiatus. To say that I struggled is a bit of an understatement. But, I stuck with it. I have God to thank for that, because if it hadn't been for him, I'd have dropped out again after just a couple of months. Now, two years later, I think I can say without any reservations that going back to school and earning a college degree is the most profound decision I ever made in my life. God saw me through it every step of the way. And I saw God intervening time and again to help me. He gave me friends. He gave me strength and determination. He gave me knowledge. He gave me self-confidence. He gave me love. And He gave me a plan for the future.

I have known plenty of people with eyes closed to God. And that's very sad. They cannot see all that he has done and is doing for them. They miss out on so much. I've been there myself. Lately, however, I keep seeing God at work in me and in the events taking place all around me. I'm glad I can see these things. Life is better because I have seen these things. They help me to know that I'm not going through life alone--someone is with me at all times. I find that very comforting.

With that in mind, I find myself singing the song above substituting the lyrics "Darling" with "Jesus". It just seems befitting to do that.

Since this is my first post of the new year, I want to wish anyone who reads this a very wonderful, blessed year. May you each see God working in your lives each and every day of it.

Gay Parents = Gay Kids?

2010-10-17T11:41:00.004-05:00

Sorry I've been gone for so long. I'm in the middle of my last semester at college. So, as you can imagine, it's been very time consuming (but also very fun and enjoyable).

I read this article on gay parents being more likely than straight parents to produce gay children and found it intriguing and worth writing about. The statistics and research presented in this article/study doesn't surprise me at all. To begin with, if homosexuality is genetic, then it only fits that gay parents may pass on gay genes to their children, thus causing their children to also become gay. Likewise, it makes perfect sense to me that if homosexuality is environmentally based, homosexual parents may be more likely (either intentionally or unintentionally) to have an influence on their children also becoming homosexual. I can certainly see how a child growing up in a home with homosexual parents would at the very least be much more open to the idea of being with someone of the same sex (just as heterosexual parents may influence their children to becoming heterosexual--again, if sexuality is environmentally based). Regardless of the origin/s of homosexual orientation, I think all people can agree that parents of any type have an overwhelming influence on the kids they raise. And for that reason alone, I'm not surprised to find evidence that gay parents are statistically more likely to have gay children.

Prop 8 Overturned

2010-08-04T20:11:00.003-05:00

So the news today is that the highly controversial gay marriage ban in California, known as Proposition 8, has been struck down by Chief U.S. District Judge Vaughn Walker. I could go into all the details of this ruling, but those are points of interest which many others are sure to write about on other sites, so I will refrain from going there. I will, however, give you my thoughts on this decision…

I say it’s about time.

As you all know, I am a Christian. I am also gay (I say that only meaning that I find other guys attractive). What this means is that I can somewhat objectively look at the issue of gay marriage from two different perspectives. In a lot of ways, I do agree with a lot of those in support of Prop 8. I believe marriage was designed and defined by God, and that it was meant to be something between a man and a woman only. I also agree that marriage has historically only been that way. However, I am not in support of Proposition 8.

My reasons for this are many. To begin with, I don’t believe anyone has the right to tell two consenting adults what sort of relationships they should or should not be allowed to have with each other. It’s nobody’s business if two men (or two women) want to love and be with each other and celebrate their relationship through a state of marriage. Just like what goes on in their bedroom is no one else’s business. I really wonder what straight people would think and feel if they were told they couldn’t have sex anymore, or date, or get married. They’d find it a travesty and an outrage. And yet, when they tell gay people they can’t do those things, it’s supposed to be perfectly okay, and they can’t understand the outcry against them. Go figure, but I find the argument on their part more than hypocritical. Just as I think it’s nothing short of immoral to prevent gay partners from having things such as inheritance, medical, and parental rights.

Secondly, I don’t think it is right for Christians to force (or at least try to force) their viewpoints onto others. I get so frustrated by people who think everyone should believe exactly as they do. And, again, when they try to force their viewpoints onto others and the response given back to them is mostly negative, they just can’t seem to understand this. They cut their own throats by trying to bully people into their way of thinking. Now, on this point, it is my belief that if Christians would say “live and let live” and allow gays and lesbians just to live their lives and make their own choices, and actually treat them with kindness, respect, love, and understanding—you know, the way Jesus treated people—then the response given back to them would be more positive. As I’ve said before, you can’t win flies with vinegar.

Thirdly, the whole argument that gay marriage will destroy the family is so bogus it’s laughable. How can gay marriage possibly devastate the family more than divorce? You’re talking about two men who may or may not somehow end up being able to raise a kid. Wow, the horror of it! It’s not like that’s something that doesn’t already happen among heterosexuals. I’m helping to raise my brother’s kids, for instance (think of Two and Half Men also—that’s a more common family set up than you may think). Oh, and, if you didn’t know, Christians have the highest divorce rate in this country. Anyone who has been through a divorce or experienced their parent’s divorce should know just how devastating that can be on everyone involved. Seems like if marriage was so important to Christians, then they’d actually, you know, work more on their own marriages.

And before this post just turns into a complete rant, I’ll leave my reasoning at that. What I’ve said so far is enough in itself to believe that gay marriage should be allowed. I don’t have to agree or approve of gay marriage, but I’ll be if I’m going to block others from it if that’s something they want to do.

Awkwardness in the Underwear Aisle

2010-07-31T14:18:00.003-05:00

School is about to begin again. This will be my last semester until graduation, which means I’ll be student teaching. I’m nervous about this, but ready for it to begin. I think I’m more anxious than anything for it to just be over with, that way I can finally get hired somewhere and begin a new chapter of my life. It’s what I’ve been working toward for the last two years now.

Anyway, the other day I went to the store to pick up some things I knew I’d be needing for school; mostly new clothes, since I didn’t have enough formal attire for teaching that would satisfy being in a school five days a week (khaki pants and dress shirts). Like most people, I wear underwear, and that being the case, I knew it wouldn’t hurt to pick up a few new pairs while I was at it. So, I found myself walking down the underwear aisle. You might imagine that this is an aisle frequented mostly by men, but you’d be wrong in assuming that. It never fails that whenever I go to pick out underwear the aisle has at least one or two women standing around—no doubt shopping for their husbands—and I usually turn out to be the only guy around. Now, I don’t know if women find it awkward for men to be in the ladies underwear aisles (for whatever reason they would be), but I’ll admit I find it quite awkward to be choosing, and thereby announcing, what sort of underwear I wear in front of women. It almost, in a weird sort of way, just makes me feel naked in front of them, as if all of a sudden I’m stripped right down to my underwear. Because of this, I try to avoid going down the men’s underwear aisle until it is in the clear (though this is nearly impossible, because for every women that leaves, another seems to always show up, which just makes me end up wanting to scream for all of them to get out of the place—though I never actually have).

Not only do I find it awkward picking out underwear with women staring over my shoulder, but being of the sexual persuasion I am, I admit it seems a bit awkward to go walking down an aisle looking at a bunch of packages with almost completely naked (and usually good looking) men plastered all over their covers. I often find myself holding my breath and my heart rate increasing while in this aisle, which just makes me a bit self-conscious, wondering if my appeal to the imagery is noticeable to others. I do try not to look too long at any of the packages. I know which type of underwear I generally like (and to satisfy any curiosities, I’ll tell you it’s Hanes boxer briefs) and so I can usually just get them and go and all remains good in the world. But there are times when I can’t find the usual and do have to do some looking to decide what I want.

I wonder if the reason the men’s underwear aisle is usually devoid of other men is because, like me, most men just feel uncomfortable being there. If someone sees you looking at how the underwear looks on another guy, will they think you’re gay? I can imagine other men thinking this, whether gay or straight. Most men may just not like seeing all of those pictures of other men. There again, like me, they may just not like choosing their underwear in front of women. As for the women, I suppose they could just be a bunch of pervs who, like me, find the packaging appealing, but, unlike me, feel unabashed about looking.

What do you think?

All the Missing People

2010-07-31T14:16:00.001-05:00

You’d think with three titles in a row including “All the Missing” that I must be missing something or other, and you’d be right in assuming that. For whatever reason, I have been feeling kind of nostalgic and sentimental lately. I’ve been thinking about a lot of the people I’ve met and become friends with over the years. Some of them are still a part of my life, but others aren’t. I miss a lot of people. There are so many people who I really would like to have gotten closer to, or to have just stayed in contact with.

I hate making a really good friend just to see the friendship between us slowly fade into practically nothing. I hate feeling like I’ve lost friends. I know people come into and out of your life all the time. This is normal and most people experience this, I know. But still, I hate this part of it.

I feel like I miss people all the time, more than not, and I just absolutely hate having this feeling. Every once in a while I’ll run into someone, and I like that I do. It’s usually never the same though. Time passes and people move away and live their lives, go places, do things, change from the people you knew them to be. It amazes me just how much people can change. I know I’m not the same person I was ten years ago. Everyone changes. And that being the case, it is understandable why friends don’t stay the same, why they move in and out of your life and why old friends go and new friends come along. I get this. It still doesn’t help me keep from missing people though.

All the Missing Minutes

2010-07-16T23:24:00.001-05:00

One thing I should have emphasized more in my last post is my fear of the future. I can be hopeful and wish for the best, but with the future comes a great deal of uncertainty. I hate making plans and counting on things to be a certain way just for those plans and expectations to be altered. Granted, this can be a good thing, and I do try to look at such changes in that light. But, still, I hate for my plans to be changed by random uncertainties. On top of that, I do often doubt my resolve, abilities, and decisions. I like writing, for example, and would love to get a book published someday that would get some attention, but I doubt my own writing skills and abilities to be able to pull that off. And I do second guess myself a great deal of the time as well—I’ve been told I need a bit more self-confidence, and in this I’m sure others have been correct in telling me so. Regardless of the reasons for my fear of the future though, it will suffice to say simply that I do sometimes have that fear.

I really do just wish I could freeze time or go back and relive certain moments though. I feel like the minutes of the clock just keep ticking by and the next thing I know I’ve wasted a whole day or not been able to do everything I wanted to do. And then I dread tomorrow (enough so at times that I’ve honestly just not wanted to go to sleep at night, as if there’s a fear that each day will be my last and I won’t get any more time).

As I said before, I’ve been feeling nostalgic, which is usually a feeling that gets me nowhere; it’s only about looking back. I wish I could go back to my middle school days. I really loved that time in my life, that time between sixth and eighth grades. I had several friends, loved my teachers/school, was doing well in school, actually got along with my parents, and everything just seemed so much easier and less complicated. I miss past summers. I wish I could relive this time last year. I was reading through the Harry Potter books for the first time, and as stupid as it may sound, that was a blessing and a truly uplifting experience for me. I stand in awe of what J.K. Rowling has created in the Harry Potter series—it leaves me without words really. And I wish for certain other things as well.

I guess the point of this post is just to say that I wish I had more time. I never feel like I can get enough stuff done that I’d like to. That and I do hold onto the past too much and fear the unknown. I see that and understand it, and I know it’s something I shouldn’t do so much. I’m going to try to work on those things.

In the meantime, I hear the clock a ticking…

All the Missing Pieces

2010-07-12T21:58:00.003-05:00

I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: I’m a fairly sentimental sort of person.

I’ve been feeling rather nostalgic lately. I keep thinking about friends I’ve had, classes I’ve taken, former teachers, just certain moments in time. I keep thinking about when my dad and I played through a few video games together back in ’03 and ’04. I really enjoyed that time. I keep thinking about all the summers I spent working on the lake, all the assignments I’ve had to complete the last couple of years in school, past vacations, time spent with friends hanging out.

I find myself daydreaming in the past.

I see many mistakes. I have a lot of regrets. My life has been riddled with these things. I see many good times, wise decisions, and lucky turns as well though. I’d say, overall, I have actually had a rather average life. Like anyone else I’ve had my ups and downs.

I wish sometimes that I could go back and relive certain times though. Some of these times so that I could relive their enjoyment and others so that I could make certain corrections and right particular wrongs.

I feel so often as though something is missing in my life. Perhaps this is just because I spend too much time looking back, missing certain things, or that I, despite trying not to be, have a “glass is half empty” outlook about things. But I know it, too, could be due to a lack of self confidence and hope for a future that resembles anything at all like what I’d want it to be. The future I’d like to have always seems so allusive. For instance, just as I’m about to begin student teaching, the county where I live and many surrounding are forced by the state to lay off many new teachers, enough so that I am now fearful about my prospects for finding a job teaching anytime soon. At times like this I remind myself to be patient, though I admit, my patience is tested much more often that I’d like or feel like I can even withstand.

I’m growing very tired of my present circumstances. I suppose I’m far from alone in feeling this way. It’s good to dream and to hope and want for a better life, and most people do this. It’s good to enjoy life in its present as well though. I think that’s something I forget to do sometimes. Other times I just feel as though time is ticking away and all I can think or wish for is just a little more time, to sort of freeze time and enjoy the present a little longer.

I guess I just want and long for more good moments in life. I’m kind of craving that at the moment. To be honest, I just feel as though my life is one big puzzle, and I’m just trying to figure out where all the pieces fit, to make as few mistakes as possible, enjoy the game, and someday finish on top, with everything in place and as it should be.

Honey Verses Vinegar

2010-07-01T22:08:00.008-05:00

Jeff posted an incredible story on his blog, and I thought it was worth posting as well. Please read this story, as it demonstrates the type of positive, rather than often times negative, impact Christians can have on others.

I know what it feels like to be mistreated by fellow Christians. It hurts. I've never received an apology from the ones who mistreated me, or from the church where they attended, but it would feel so nice and would ease certain bitterness, anger, and disappointment if they would. What you have hopefully read and understood from this story is that there are so many homosexuals (and others) out there, hurting, and that much of that hurt has come from the church itself. And there's no reason for it. Sinners don't have to be feared, hated, bashed, belittled, tortured, rejected or anything else like that. Instead, they should be loved.

You can't help people if you treat them like crap. You have to set a good example, and pray and help them to be better people. And even if that doesn't work, you must still love, pray and help them, but also understand that each person has his or her own decisions to make in life. You may not like some of the decisions other people make, but these are their decisions to make and their lives to live. Just because you disagree with them, doesn't mean you should mistreat them. That never says anything about them, or helps them in any way whatsoever. But it does say something rather negative about you if that is the sort of person you choose to be. So, don't be that type of Christian. And, if you have been in the past, seriously think about saying "I'm sorry" to the person you mistreated.

Tonight's Weather Report

2010-06-15T02:14:00.007-05:00

I love watching it lightning at night time. Tonight I saw an approaching storm and decided to sit out on the front porch to watch it. It wasn't anything more than a few rumbles and some rain. It didn't quite make it south enough to reach where I live though, but the split seemed to be just over my house. It was awesome to look up and see the most amazingly clear sky full of sparkling stars, and then right next to it, these huge masses of clouds, with lightning dancing all about them. It was truly magnificent to watch. It was as if nature was putting on a fireworks display of its own.

It was warm today. Humid, too. I'm sure that's what brought this all about. Most of the lightning was probably nothing more than heat lightning. But regardless, it was so peaceful out tonight. The nearby storm brought with it a cooler air, which really did help take away some of the humidity. And I found it all so calming. I see the beauty and wonder of God in such things. It's as if God was giving me a great gift, a wondrous spectacle of His created nature.

Not only was there lightning. There were lightning bugs in the yard and in the trees and fields, glittering over everything. And the crickets and tree frogs were singing steadily and softly.

I just love summer.

Why Does It Matter?

2010-06-11T15:08:00.001-05:00

I keep thinking about what it means to say I’m gay. I’ve usually meant that in terms of what sexual attractions I have for other people; I find men attractive, and women sort of neutral. It’s also meant how I come to think about myself as well though. But I wonder if I have perceived being gay as meaning what sort of sex I’d like to have, rather than what sort of relationships I would like to have. I keep thinking about the relationship I had with Eve. It wasn’t built on sex, or for that matter sexual desire. It was built on friendship, care, love, and emotion.

I keep having trouble trying to figure myself out. I feel as though so much of the time I’ve only been thinking about wanting a sexual relationship, or something lustful, or someone to help cure periods of loneliness, rather than the sort of relationship, if any, I should have been looking for.

Maybe too many people are just looking for sex. I wonder if maybe that’s what I was really looking for or wanting all those years rather than a serious, healthy relationship. What I had with Eve wasn’t what I expected it to be. It wasn’t what I’d been looking for in a relationship. It was far better than anything I’d been looking for, and it was far different than what I’d wanted.

I guess my point is that maybe I’d been focusing too much on wanting a particular kind of sex when I should have been focusing on wanting a healthy relationship with someone, built on friendship, trust, and love. And I wonder if that’s the case with others; particularly among gay identified men. Maybe we are too focused on sex itself, rather than on what really makes sex something meaningful and special.

And maybe we identify who we are too much upon trivial differences. I know I’m not as masculine as a lot of men. But how is that something that should make me feel different from other men? Not all men, even straight men, are masculine. A lot of men aren’t masculine. And, really, since when should one’s level of masculinity define who they are as a person? Why has that mattered to me?

If being with Eve made me realize anything, it’s that all those stupid labels people put upon themselves don’t really matter at all. Being gay or straight, bisexual, tall, short, fat, skinny, ugly, beautiful, black, white, purple, green, or yellow, none it really matters. You just are who you are. It’s just that causing those labels to box yourself into a corner in life isn’t any good; you become limited so much.

I’m not sure being gay really means that much to me anymore. Not that it was ever anything to feel prideful about or anything like that, but just that it was a big part of how I saw myself. Maybe some of those old mindsets of mine have become broken somewhat. I’m not saying I’m no longer gay, or that I’m no longer attracted to men. I’m just saying that the fact that I am doesn’t seem to matter so much to me anymore. As though being gay is no better or worse than any other part of me. It’s just another thing, and not something that should limit me any more than the color of my hair or the shape of my eyes. It doesn’t really matter.

Something Special

2010-05-14T23:08:00.002-05:00

It’s been a long time since I wrote on this blog. I hadn’t planned on taking such a long break, but it just sort of happened that way. The last few months have been… well, I’m not sure how to describe them. School was pretty difficult this time around. I had some hard classes and a lot to have to do. I had to complete and then revise a TPA, which determined whether I’d be allowed to become a student teacher this fall. That was a very tiresome and stressful project. There was a lot riding on it. The revisions alone were two weeks worth of nearly killing myself in order to complete, on top of everything else I needed to do for my regular classes.

School has taken up a great deal of my time the last few months. It wasn’t all that took up my time though. I wrote something very foolish a few months ago. And to be honest, I feel like it was a different me that wrote it. I said something to the effect that a woman wanting to be with me was not a blessing. I was wrong to ever think that. From mid February until just a couple of weeks ago I had a girlfriend. Remember that girl I talked about liking me from school, who had become a great friend, but one that I knew liked me more romantically? We continued spending time together outside of school. We went on a date. We didn’t call it that, but that’s what it was. We went somewhere to eat in the next county, and then saw a movie together. I’ll admit, I remember feeling very nervous about being with her, but at the same time feeling so drawn to her. My mind is filled with that memory right now. I can see every moment, her reactions, expressions, and remember half of what we talked about and the sound of her voice. I’d nearly forgotten though just how long it took us to say goodnight to each other. When we got back in the county, we just sat in the car and talked, neither of us really wanting the evening to end. We emailed each other back and forth several times that same night. From then on we were a couple.

For the purposes of this blog, I’ll name her Eve. We hadn’t dated long when I told her how I feel about other men. She handled that news rather incredibly. She said that it didn’t matter. And I’m sure it never did. I never expected to find someone who’d feel that way. It was a great relief that she felt that way, that she still wanted me.

Eve and I did everything together. We took a trip to Nashville, which was one of the best experiences of my life. We saw the Hermitage, the Parthenon, went to Opry Mills, bought books. At the gift shop at the Hermitage, we both headed straight for the children’s books. When we were checking out, the cashier asked if we were both teachers. She said she could usually tell whenever a person goes straight for the kids books like that. Both of us left there feeling a little proud—we were recognized as teachers!

Eve introduced me to her family. They were really nice and I enjoyed meeting them. And when her stepmom cooked spaghetti, something Eve knew I wasn’t fond of, she covered for me. I don’t know anyone else in my life that would have done that. Anyone else I know would have put me on the spot and made a big to do about it. Instead, she looked out for me.

We went bowling together with her daughter. I had so much fun that night. We had fun. It was really the first time I’d gotten to be around… oh, I’ll call her Gracie, and it was great. For a fleeting moment, I remember thinking that night, so this must be what it’s like to have a family.

We watched movies at her place. The first time we did this, she snuggled up against me. My heart was beating so fast. We held hands and kissed. I looked into her eyes and watched as they turned from a bluish gray to the most amazing shade of blue I’ve ever seen, so bright and glimmering. I remember being so amazed by that. I was sort of dumbstruck by it, actually, and I commented on it. “Your eyes are so blue,” I told her. And then it dawned on me, “Like a mood ring.” I knew she loved me. There’s something about that that I know has changed me forever. She loved me.

She took me to two of her most favorite spots. We walked across an old wooden bridge, held each other. We sat by a lake, and watched as the sun went down and the stars filled the sky—we had trouble finding the little dipper and the north star. She was cold and I held her to keep her warm, and gave her my jacket.

We helped each other with our homework and with finishing our TPAs. We ate lunch together every day after classes. I waited for her to finish her last class; she waited for me. We helped each other study for tests. Every time we were together it was like we were magnets being pulled toward each other.

Eve and I made a lot of plans. We were going to go camping this summer together, go on a few more Nashville-like trips, maybe go fishing, spend more time together just in general. She’d wanted to celebrate graduation together this next Christmas by going on a cruise to Mexico. I was really looking forward to all of these things. We’d even discussed our feelings about marriage, kids, what sort of future we could have together.

I played Candy Land with Gracie. I hit a baseball for her to practice catching for Little League. I danced with her in the living room. I watched some of her favorite television shows with her. I read books to her. I won’t lie and say that I always enjoyed being around her. I didn’t most of the time. I liked Gracie. She was a good, sweet little girl. But I never knew how to respond to or act around her. I always felt like I was going to break her or be too rough to play with her like I do with my nephews. And she cried at the least little thing. She’s a very emotional child. But Eve was really good with her. I saw how good a mother she was. And that meant a lot.

I have so many great memories now. I experienced so many great things. I felt loved. I felt for the first time in a really long time that I could actually end up having a family of my own. That’s something quite indescribable to experience. I fell in love with someone for the first time in my life…

For a couple of weeks I knew something was different. Something happened that shook our relationship. We talked and agreed to stand by each other, but within just a few days time, after everything had ran its course, I knew there was a problem. And then she broke up with me. For a few days after that I felt like someone had ripped something physically and emotionally away from me, as if an entire part of me and future outcome of my life had been destroyed forever. And I still feel that way some. I cried and hurt until I was exhausted. I don’t know if I’ve ever truly felt so great a sense of loss at any other time before.

I’m honestly not sure why she decided to break up with me. But I will concede it may have honestly been for the best. Maybe she saw that before I could. I know myself enough to know that committing to marry her would have been really hard. It would have been really difficult for me to give up some of my own plans and dreams in life to have stayed with her. But still, I could see myself having done that for her, for us. I think I’ll always wonder what we could have had together though—the life we could have shared. We’re still going to be friends. We both agreed we wanted that. We agreed from the beginning that whatever happened between us, we wanted to remain friends. But that’s not quite the same thing, is it.

God blessed me. For a time in my life I got to experience something so wonderful, so unexpected, something I have absolutely no regrets about. I know what it’s like to really be loved. I know what it’s like to really be in love with someone else. I know what it’s like to be a part of something so special that no words I know can even begin to describe how I feel about it.

I don’t feel like I’m the same person anymore. I feel like God showed me something that’s changed my life forever. It’s such a beautiful thing how God can mess with you like that sometimes. And I’m glad I let him. He showed me something I’d have never seen otherwise.

New Day, by Robbie Seay Band

2010-01-20T17:48:00.005-06:00

I like this song.

I like this version too. These kids singing this song look like me just hearing it.

My Blog is Porn? Really?

2010-01-14T23:43:00.002-06:00

Well, in the usual fashion to get to my blog, I entered the name of my blog on Netscape. Out of curiosity, I looked at the search results to see where all my blog was popping up. As it turned out, another blogger had referenced my blog in one of his recent posts. He had this to say:

“What's that you say? That last one [Afterthoughts on a Whirlwind Journey] isn't a sex blog? No. It's not, but it's still a porn blog. Reading the private, inner thoughts of a closeted Christian struggling with his attraction to men (Whose love will he pick Jesus or another man's? Will he realize that it's not an either/or decision?) is totally pornographic. Totally.”

I have to admit, the idea of my blog being a “porn blog” is sort of bewildering to me. I’ve never thought of my blog being anything that could be described as erotic. I have tried to avoid being blatantly graphic in descriptions of my thoughts/past, and, to the best of my knowledge, I have yet to post any inappropriate images or videos. So I am confused by someone finding my blog to have an erotic appeal to it. I am intrigued, though, because I wonder now what it is about my blog that might come across as pornographic or overtly erotic. Perhaps the nature of my blog, the fact that I am a “closeted (for the most part) Christian struggling with his attraction to men” and that I have shared some “private, inner thoughts”, does appeal to the erotic fantasies or stimuli of some people. Whatever the reason, if my blog does come across that way, this “totally” throws me for a loop. The intentions of my blog has never been to provide material for anyone’s sexual pleasure, but merely to be a place where people, like myself, who have struggled with their sexuality, can read about and learn from my own experiences and gain comfort in knowing that they are not alone in their own struggles. But, whereas I do not see the erotic appeal, far be it from me to suggest that nobody else does/can.

I guess the question I should ask now is does my blog have a pornographic, sexual, or otherwise inappropriate feel, perception, or appeal to it? If you think it does, I’d honestly like to know why. If you think it doesn’t, give me your viewpoint as well. I’m just trying to figure this thing out.

Moving onto another topic… how many of you think Conan O’Brien should stay the host of the Tonight Show? This has sort of been in the news a bunch lately. But just so that everyone knows where I stand on the issue, I think Leno should move on, Conan should stay, and NBC should wholeheartedly support the new guy (who’s just as good if not better than his predecessor). Just because Leno’s new show hasn’t panned out doesn’t mean the entire late night schedule and the lives and careers of all those involved should be messed around with. I just prefer Conan O’Brien to Jay Leno. There. I said it. Sue me.

Woman

2010-01-09T15:58:00.002-06:00

God said it wasn’t good for man to be alone, and so He created woman from man, to be a helpmate to him. Woman was a gift to man, a being of similarity who man could talk to, share experiences, and ultimately love and create with. Woman was called good when she was created, and man accepted her and made her his. She was a blessing, as they both were, together.

Throughout most of my life, the better friendships I have had have been with women. That’s been true for as long as I can remember. I’ve often enjoyed more female activities/talk than I have enjoyed that by most other men. Naturally, because of that, the friendships I’ve had with women have been able to develop more easily because of this.

About a year and a half after I graduated high school, I made a decision to try in earnest to make friends with other men. At the time, I really don’t know that I can say I had any male friends. To correct this, I decided to take a job which forced me to have to be around a lot of other guys, and this in itself allowed me many opportunities for finding and developing commonalities with other men. What I came to realize was that I shared many interests with them. I began to see that I wasn’t as different as I’d always thought I was. And after a few years working at this particular job, I found myself becoming more mature and more comfortable among men. At the same time, however, I’ve found myself wanting less and less friendship from women.

I still tend to develop friendships with women much faster than with men, but in the last couple of years, particularly, I haven’t sought to encourage or seek out those friendships as I used to. To be brutally honest, I’ve found myself, at times, wanting nothing to do with women at all. This isn’t to suggest that I’m against women now. It’s just that the desire for their friendship hasn’t been of one of my greatest interests. And in saying that, I also do not mean that I’ve become unfriendly toward women. It just means that I’ve begun gravitating primarily toward trying to develop friendships and being around other men. My focus has been more on gaining their friendship than that of women.

The last few months, however, I have made a female friend whom I’ve felt closer to than any other woman in a long time. I know she is romantically interested in me, though I do not share this interest in her. I like her as a friend, but that is all. Earlier this week, we went to the movies together. I had a good time with her. But it was only a good time from a friend’s point of view. Had this outing become romantic in any sense of the word, I do not think I would have enjoyed being around her at all. I don’t want to lead her on, or make her think that I like her romantically, and I’ve tried my best not to, but I’m not sure how to break it to her that I don’t feel a return attraction for her without potentially ruining the friendship. Knowing that she feels this way about me just makes me want to run away from her altogether though. I find myself wanting nothing at all to do with her now.

I think of woman being a blessing to man. For me, I don’t think it is a blessing to have a woman to want to be with me. I never have thought of this as a blessing. And, when it happens, it makes me want to avoid women entirely. I don’t want a girlfriend, or a wife. In feeling this way, though, I can’t help but wonder if I’m rejecting something meant to be good—a gift or blessing from God.

Am I to always be alone? I have family. I have friends. Is that enough of a blessing in itself? I would like to think that it is. If it is, then how do I prevent myself from having such disdainful feelings toward women whom I feel are getting too close to me? How do I tell them that I only want friendship without potentially damaging that friendship? And herein lays another problem: should I tell them I’m gay? How should I handle this?

Right and Wrong

2010-01-04T20:06:00.002-06:00

I don’t like being wrong. I don’t think this is due to pride, but simply out of a desire to believe and profess what is truth. The last few years I have been seeking out the truth. I like hearing other people’s point of view and opinions. I’ve often been a viewer of CNN, and many of my conservative friends wonder why I watch it instead of Fox News. I tell them that by watching CNN I get to understand why people on the other side think the way they do about things. Politically, I would say that I am more of a moderate than conservative or liberal, but when in doubt, I tend to lean more conservatively. But rather than close my mind and refuse to hear out the views of others, I choose to hear them out and see if either they’re right or I’m right by doing so.

Here’s an example of when I’ve done this. I used to be in support of the death penalty for people who had committed severe crimes. I was pretty adamant in this belief. But a friend of mine made me question this belief. We had always shared the belief that abortion was wrong. He wrote an article about that a year or two ago, describing his pro-life beliefs. Within that article, he explained that his pro-life position went beyond that of the preborn, explaining that life was precious regardless of the situation or circumstances surrounding that life. The more I thought about what he’d written, the more I was convinced he was right. I am now against the death penalty as adamantly as I used to be for it. I just don’t believe that anyone should ever take another life like that. No person should ever take another person’s life into their hands as such. And the fact that there have been so many wrongful convictions in the past is just another reason for me to believe this.

Now, don’t get me wrong. I think a policeman shooting a man getting ready to stab or shoot someone himself is doing a good and just thing to prevent that man from doing considerable harm to another. Protecting others or self in such a way is more than justifiable.

But the point is that listening to others can sometimes bring you to a better understanding of the world around you. You can see where either you have been potentially mistaken or correct about a certain thing. I’ve found that in many instances, I have been wrong about a great many things in my life. But in debating, discussing, or just simply listening to others, I have found myself also proven correct in my thinking.

The last couple of years, I have found myself doubting many of my beliefs. The reason for this, I think, is because of my openness to consider the viewpoints of others. I’ve listened to so many different viewpoints that somewhere along the way I’ve become confused and frustrated about what to believe. But on top of that, I know I have been dissuaded, disappointed, and turned off to many people in my life who had shared a lot of the same beliefs as me. It’s hard to believe in the same things as a preacher, fellow churchgoers, coworkers, parents, and others who have neglected, abused, or belittled you, or faltered somewhere along the way themselves. It’s hard to believe anything they say is true. And when you want to get away from them, you also want to get away and reject anything that reminds you of them.

As I said in my last post, I have increasingly felt a desire to distance myself from all things Christianity. I’ve been trying to figure out why the past few weeks, and why this has intensified dramatically since I’ve begun going to church again. I think this is the reason. Being in church I’m reminded of all the past hurts, I sit next to parents who have refused to help me or guide me in life, amongst other Christians who have never attempted to befriend me or get to know me, or who I’ve seen commits wrongs to others, and all of this combined has just made me want to reject the message they proclaim. I realized this on Sunday during the church service. I was angry at my parents for a few things and just wanted to get up and leave the church and never come back—to get away from them.

I think forgiving others is something much more difficult for me to do than I previously thought. I need to work on that. I think also, my faith, in a lot of ways, must have been strengthened in the past considerably more from others than I’d realized. And when those others let me down, my faith was weakened or brought down as well. God alone should be my strength and my main concern. That sounds good, and should probably be true. But all Christians are not in and of themselves. We all belong to a greater body. When that body is damaged, we are all affected. I need that strength that only the body can give me. I know, too, though, that I do need to rely more upon Christ than what I have been. And, sometimes, I think I need to listen a little less to others.

Broken

2009-12-30T01:57:00.002-06:00

I hope everyone had a good Christmas. Things were good on my end. I’d have liked to written a post beforehand, but I honestly couldn’t think of anything appropriate to write for the occasion. It hasn’t helped either that my mind has been overworked. I’ve had a lot going on lately.

Anyway, I’ve had something bugging me, and I wanted to share this and get it off my mind.

I remember writing some time back, either on this blog or as a commenter on another, that knowing Jesus makes life easier. I think I was wrong to believe that. This last year, I’ve not gone to church much at all. When I have, I’ve become guilt ridden, frustrated, angry, edgy, depressed, and faced battles of feeling really low self-esteem and self-worth. Life is not easier knowing Jesus. It can certainly be better in a lot of ways, but far from easy. Knowing Jesus takes a lot of work, and it takes a lot out of you.

I don’t know what’s wrong with me. This last year I’ve increasingly felt more and more of a resistance to anything God-related. I think, to an extent, it is because knowing Jesus is hard, and it brings to mind a lot of the negative aspects of my life/past. I don’t like feeling this resistance. It’s affected my faith in some rather major ways. I’ve had a lot of doubts about Christianity.

I hate saying or thinking that.

I know this is probably going to sound out in left field, but it’s something that really has weighed on my mind lately and something that has seriously caused some doubts in me. I don’t understand why God would be so vain as to require circumcision as a necessity to showing faith in Him (talking about the Israelites). Why would God make this requirement and then come down to Earth and preach a message that circumcision of the flesh is meaningless, and that it is actually circumcision of the heart that really counts? I’m confused by this. If physical circumcision was so important that God would threaten to cast out Moses for not circumcising his son, then why would He a few centuries later say that it’s not that important? I guess God can change His mind, but that in itself begs the question if God really is all-knowing, all-wise. I can’t help thinking that circumcision was simply an ancient custom adopted by the Israelites at some point and accredited as God’s commandment for His people later on. And if that is true, then perhaps a lot more of what we read about in the Old Testament is untrue, or at least not the whole truth. Perhaps there is indeed a God, but a lot of His so called commandments, really are not from Him at all, but made by people who simply thought they knew what was best for their people during the times in which they lived.

These doubts aside, I’ve felt so much of a resistance to going to church, reading my bible, praying, or just having anything at all to do with God. I feel like I’m going to hell. But aside from that, I’ve felt better about myself, been more outgoing, and relaxed about life the last few months than I probably ever have. It’s really only the last few weeks that that has begun to change. I did not go to church this last Sunday, but I did go the previous five Sundays. I was glad to go. But I didn’t at any moment feel as though I belonged. And I’ve been reminded of how much I tried to belong a few years ago and never was really allowed to. I’ve had a lot of doubts creep in, old wounds resurface, and in general felt like I’m just a piece of crap. I don’t know how to feel close to God. I don’t know how to feel close to other Christians. I don’t know where I belong in the great realm of Christianity. And all of this bothers me a lot.

I do believe in God. I think it’s ridiculous to believe everything in this great big universe just came about of its own accord. But I do doubt a lot of what we Christians have been taught about God. I think, as in today, people in the past may have been wrong on their teachings and beliefs. How do we know that certain dreams weren’t just that and nothing else? How do we know that certain visions weren’t really episodes of drunkenness, hallucinations, and/or forms of mental illness? How do we know that Moses didn’t just take old stories (maybe of truth or myth) and add a bit of his own thinking to help rule the Israelites? How do we know that the good men and women of the Bible weren’t really as honest or noble as we’ve been taught they were? Perhaps their actions were more in the line of best intentions than clearly presenting what they knew as the truth. Along that line, I can’t help thinking about the Catholic view that Mary must have not died, but ascended into Heaven sometime late in her life. I see no proof at all to suggest that this is the case. There are no eye-witnesses, no one that wrote about it near the time that it supposedly happened, nothing. I think it’s likely that the Apostle John took Mary into hiding, to protect and to care for her, as Jesus wished, and she eventually died in obscurity. I think it’s likely that no one knew what happened to Mary. And embarrassed not to know this about the mother of the person for whom the church was founded, some early Christian leaders came to the conclusion that surely she must not have died such an ordinary and depressing death, but that something marvelous must have happened to her. And so, in their search for an answer as to what happened to Mary, they concluded she must have been ascended into Heaven to rule alongside her son. I have to say I like the notion of this idea, but I’d like to know where the proof is. It’s not enough for me that some priest a few hundred years after it supposedly happened wrote that that was what happened. He didn’t see it, so who did? How does he justify this answer? Apparently it’s supposed to be enough just that he said it, and so we just have to take him at his word, that’s the conclusion, case closed. I’m sorry, but it’s not enough for me.

I just feel as though everything is all mixed up. No two Christians ever seem to believe in the same thing. No one has any convincing answers. A lot of Christians act anything but Christian these days. It’s just all such a huge turn off for me, and something that I’ve increasingly wanted less and less to do with.

I could write more, but for now, I’ll leave it at this. I’m not feeling bad, really, or depressed, so please don’t anyone think that. I’m just frustrated because I’d like some answers and to be able to feel as though God actually is God.

On another note, I want to apologize for something else which I implied in a previous note a few months back, concerning friends. I think I was operating under the assumption that online friends weren’t as good as other types of friends. I’m sorry I ever thought that, and I’m sorry if I offended any of you for suggesting it. I’ve met some really great people online, and I’ve made some of the best, closest friendships I’ve ever had with some of you. You’re blessings from God, and that’s one thing I surely do not have doubts about. I thank God for each and every one of you.

Thanking God

2009-11-25T00:23:00.004-06:00

Thank you God for...

loving me.
forgiving me.
being patient with me.
guiding me.
keeping me safe.
giving me friends.
giving me a family.
the clothes on my back.
the food I overeat.
the roof over my head.
the talents you've given me.
getting me back in school.
showing me my faults.
giving me hope.
the acts of kindness you surprise me with when I'm feeling low.
always being someone I can turn to.
always bringing me back to you.
treating me better than I could ever deserve.
every good memory/experience/day.
the life you have given me.
absolutely everything.
being you.

(This list could be a mile long, but I'll stop here for now. Happy Thanksgiving, everyone!)

Coming Out Young

2009-10-25T15:10:00.002-05:00

I usually get monthly newsletters from Exodus International. In this month’s edition there was one article that caught my eye. It was called Middle School Youth More Open to Coming Out Sooner, Article Reports. This article was written in response to an article published in the New York Times this last September called Coming Out in Middle School. I hope you will take the time to read both articles.

The original article details how students in middle schools across this country are becoming more openly identified as homosexual. I found this to be a really interesting article and one that demonstrates how much more accepting and open-minded people are becoming toward those with a homosexual or bisexual orientation. I also found it comforting to read how much less fearful and ashamed young people are becoming about being gay. Fear and shame pretty much dominated most of my middle school and high school years, and even after then. I was terrified someone might find out or think I was gay. And because of this, I hid myself from a lot of people.

The second article (the one featured in the October edition of the Exodus Newsletter) I found to be a particularly troublesome response. I have often supported Exodus in the past. I had an Exodus counselor for almost three years who was in a lot of ways a real life-saver for me. Paul (my counselor) was only the second person to ever know I like other men. He helped me see that not all people will freak out and hate me if they find out I’m gay. He was the first straight person I’d ever known who acted as though homosexuals were not people to fear and hate and ridicule, but to love and befriend and speak the truth to. He encouraged me not to hide who I am, but to let other people know me for the real me, to develop friends with people, and to not live out the rest of my life in fear of what others might think. Paul helped me through some of the loneliest and depressed times of my life. Above anything, he was always willing just to listen to me. He allowed me to pour out all the hurt I’d felt but kept bottled up for so long. He taught me that I didn’t have to live in fear, or hide myself, or keep lifelong painful secrets, being ashamed to ever let anyone know the real me. And he taught me that God still loves me, regardless of my temptations or past mistakes. I’ll always owe him a huge debt of gratitude for all he did for me. I’m a better person now because of his help. And I have to thank Exodus for making that connection with Paul for me. But having said this, I do disagree with many of the standpoints of Exodus. This article points out one of the mindsets of so many who are affiliated with Exodus. And that is that young people are essentially not wise enough about themselves to be able to know if they are gay or straight.

I know middle school is a confusing, troubling time for many people; even when it comes to sexual identity/feelings. This isn’t only the case for homosexuals and bisexuals, but for heterosexuals as well. Most people become confused or curious or even anxious when they first start having feelings of a sexual nature for another person. And that is because they are new feelings. Of course a person will not fully understand them at first. But most people have little doubt about whom or what they’re attracted to. They may not understand why their attractions are as they are, but that doesn’t mean they are necessarily confused about whether they’re attracted to men or women, or both.

I remember when I was at middle school age I knew I liked boys. I knew (or thought anyway) that I was supposed to like girls though. I thought it was wrong for me to like guys, or to act on those feelings, or to ever tell anyone about it. I kept my true feelings a secret and, for a time, pretended to like what I thought everyone else expected me to like: girls. I even had a girlfriend for a while just to satisfy this thought. But I really was never confused about liking men. I was confused about how I’d developed these feelings, but never about the feelings themselves. I didn’t have to act out these feelings with another male to know that they were true. I didn’t have to act out sexually with a female to know that I wasn’t interested in that.

Many at Exodus want to believe that fewer people will become gay if they just won’t identify as gay at such a young age. Now, I do believe many people may experiment with their sexuality, and may engage in some activities that they shouldn’t. Some people, as odd as it may seem, even consider homosexuality or bisexuality cool. To be one or the other has become one of those added things to contribute to the individualistic mindset of the people of this country. Some people think that to be gay makes them unique from others, and so there are some, who are not gay, who are more than happy to act out as if they are. It can also be a point of rebellion. After all, it is not the hope or desire of most parents that their children should be gay. And so some young people, though I do think a very few of them, do maybe adopt a gay or bisexual identity when perhaps they are not. But for the vast majority, being gay or bisexual is their reality. And what is wrong with them being able to admit this to others? What is wrong with a young person admitting to themselves that they are gay or bisexual? If it’s how they feel, it’s how they feel. Whether or not it’s right or wrong for them to act on those feelings is somewhat beside the point. It’s relevant (the morality of acting out on homosexual feelings) but it shouldn’t factor in to whether or not a person identifies as having those feelings. As I already said, you either have those feelings or you don’t. If you do, why should you have to hide the fact your entire life? Why should you live in secret, covering up, not getting help, afraid to let anyone know how you feel or who you are? Why should you live in fear your whole life? For those who are homosexual or bisexual, choosing to identify as such should not be a point of contention.

Do we want our kids living in fear, to grow up afraid of who they are? One of the things I found interesting in the original article was that most of the young students interviewed for it were not even sexually active, unless you include kissing, holding hands, or dancing, or other things like that. They are simply being themselves, admitting that homosexuality or bisexuality is, in fact, a part of their lives. They’re being open and honest about who they are, and hoping for a little bit of understanding, compassion, and respect from others. And there shouldn’t be anything wrong with that.

On another point, I found it interesting how the level of bullying has gone down in schools where students felt safe to be openly gay or bisexual. Schools that allow students to create and join clubs such as Gay Straight Alliance (GSA) have seen a decline in the level of violence or harassment of not only homosexual and bisexual identified students, but of all students regardless of their background. Isn’t that a good thing? I think it is.

Now, I’m not promoting young people becoming sexually active. And I don’t think the vast majority are aspiring for that either. Nor am I promoting homosexuality (anymore than I’m promoting heterosexuality), or believe that students should be pressured into accepting or admitting their sexual orientation before they're ready to. I just think young people should be allowed to not have to live in fear of who they are and how they feel. I also think it is wrong of people to force others into shame and hiding, or to bully or belittle them for having feelings they did not choose to have. I wish many others would realize homosexuality is no more or less prevalent today than it’s ever been. Just because people are being more open and honest about it, doesn’t mean society is falling apart or becoming more sinful. It just means people are tired of living in fear, hiding who they are, and are deciding more and more not to live their lives afraid all the time. Frankly, I see nothing wrong with that.

Simply Inspirational

2009-10-22T14:27:00.002-05:00

I think this is really inspiring. Read for yourself.

Busy Little Bee

2009-10-21T14:17:00.003-05:00

I often hear people talk about being too busy, or overworked. We all from time to time feel a little overworked, or rushed, depending on what is going on in our lives, and we can certainly become tired and stressed because of it. But I honestly think maybe it’s better to be overworked than underworked (of course a nice balance would be ideal).

When a person is underworked, or doesn’t have enough to do, they can become bored. They can begin doing things they shouldn’t. I know for myself not having enough to do can be a very depressing time. The beginning of this last summer, for instance, I found myself out of school, unemployed, and stuck at home by myself a great deal of the time. It took me a month to find something enjoyable to do to fill the time. Prior to that, however, I’ll admit I just sat around the house bored, trying to invent things to do, and in some cases, having too much time to contemplate sinning and to actually give into sin. This can be a downside to having free time. It’s why people overeat a lot of times, too—they become bored and eat because there’s nothing else for them to do, and eating can be an enjoyable activity to help pass the time. But one of the real downsides to having too much free time is that we become unproductive. Now, I don’t know about everyone else, but I like to feel as though I’m useful, or that I have a purpose or something I should be doing. I don’t like just sitting around. It makes me feel as though there’s nothing much to live for. That’s one reason I like being in school. I almost hate to say this, but I actually enjoy homework. I don’t like having so much that I worry I’ll never get it all done, but I do like having enough to help me keep from having an excess of do-nothing free time.

A lot of young people today, I believe, really are disadvantaged when their parents don’t make them work; even if it’s just doing chores around the house. Work, or having something you’re responsible for doing, really can help build your self-esteem and teach you the value of money and cooperating with others. When you work hard and you get money or some other reward in return, there’s a good feeling that accompanies that. I just finished a really lengthy homework assignment a few days ago that took a lot of time and effort on my part to finish. And even though I complained some about all that I had to do to finish the project, I’m really quite glad that I had it to do. It gave me something to be working on, to keep me busy and prevent boredom, and, now that it’s finished, I have something to feel proud of.

I wonder when work became such a bad thing. Seems like a lot of people I meet nowaday have this attitude against it. I notice it more and more among younger people though. In a way, I think people wrongly believe that work is just something to prevent them from having fun in life, or that it tires them too much. But I think when people think like that, they really haven’t thought the whole thing through. Yeah, having fun is, well, fun. But there can be such a thing as too much fun. And, of course, all play and no work can be just as dull as all work and no play. A trip to the amusement park can certainly become not so amusing after a few hours. That fiftieth ride on the roller coast and it will begin to lose its thrill. Too much fun, or too much of any good thing, usually has a way of becoming not so good. And then, when that does happen, the fall usually follows. Fun can take on a whole new meaning then—a more dangerous, often more sinful meaning.

The trick, really, is to find that ideal balance between work and play. We all need both to be happy, healthy, productive people. I may be busy as a bee a lot of times, but I really don’t think I’d want it any other way. Having work to do makes me feel good about myself, and it helps keep me from lingering on thoughts I shouldn’t have and doing things I shouldn’t do. On top of that, when you do work at something, you not only get the fruit of that work, but you really do make the time for play that much more valuable and meaningful.

Busy little bee, reporting for duty! And I couldn’t be happier about it.

The Future Looks Bright: Obama's Speech to Gay Rights Activists

2009-10-10T21:47:00.006-05:00

As most of you have probably caught on, I am not much of a fan of President Barack Obama. I’ve given him a fair amount of criticism since he took office. Many of his policies and ideas I completely disagree with. However, having said that, tonight I feel proud (albeit reluctantly) to call him my president.

Knowing that his speech tonight was going to address a broad range of issues that affect the LGBT community, I made a point of watching it. I have to say I feel very reassured. President Obama made it clear that he is working to end discrimination against homosexuals, promising to end the ban on those with HIV from being allowed to immigrate to this country, to sign gay rights legislation, hate crimes legislation, and legislation to end the militaries policies of “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell” and zero tolerance against gays actively serving. These are all things he promised to do when campaigning for the presidency last year, but had, to this point, shown little signs of wanting to follow through with. Tonight, however, I think he gave the strongest show of support for homosexuals any president we have ever had has shown. He made it clear that these are things he is actively working to do. And he actually talked in his speech as though he “gets” what homosexuals face and struggle with, and that he wants to improve the lives of homosexuals in this country. He addressed the fight for equality we are all seeking and hoping for, pointing out the Stonewall protests, the lack of benefits provided to spouses or partners of homosexuals, and the firing of thousands from their jobs because of their sexuality.

Here are a few quotes from President Obama’s speech that I found memorable and meaningful:

“None of us want to be defined by just one part of what makes us whole.”

“Our common ideals are a force far stronger than any division some might sew.”

“Together we will have moved closer to that day when no one has to be afraid to be gay in America.”

These quotes, I believe, signify that he understands our struggle, and that he is working to help us.

I hope our president is honest about his intentions. I hope he is truly committed to fighting for what is right. I’ll admit that I do not trust many politicians. Those I’ve trusted in the past all had a way of letting me down. But on these issues, I hope I can trust President Obama to do what he has said he will do, because if he is able to follow through with these promises, the lives of millions will be changed so dramatically for the better. If this president has ever inspired hope in me, it is to hope for that.

To read more about his speech, click here.

No More Summer, No More Breaks, No More Fun, Obama States

2009-09-27T14:55:00.004-05:00

Yet again, Netscape has provided me with some current news.

After reading the article Obama Seeks to Curtail Summer Vacation, I have to say my level of outrage and disgust with President Obama and our current government officials has reached a new peak. I know I’ve ranted about this before, around the start of the year, but I feel compelled to do so again.

Let me respond directly to this article. First off, I don’t care what people in other countries are doing. Yes we can learn something from others, but we don’t, as Americans, have to do everything the way everyone else does it. If people in other countries want to give their children away to public education, then by all means let them. We don’t have to follow their example. You know, it used to be us leading the world. I guess maybe that time has passed.

A ten hour school day? Really, Mr. President? I mean, I know you have a long workday yourself, but ten hours, five or more days a week, almost year long is waaaaaaaay too much time to be dedicated to learning in school. After just eight hours my mind is tired and ready for a break. Kids usually, that I’ve been around, start losing focus and attention after about six hours. And what about what’s outside of school to learn? What about learning to play sports, or developing social skills, or spending time with family? What about high school kids who need that summer job, or part time job, to save up for a car, gas money, college tuition, etc.? What about all of that?

And what’s more, why won’t anyone in our government take a serious look at why education has weakened in this country? The reason isn’t that we aren’t spending enough time at school. People in this country used to spend far less time in school, and yet we were then considered the smartest, the brightest, and the most prosperous nation on earth. The reason is that we no longer teach to the basics. We have students who rarely even get a glimpse at the times table, or who ever do any math without the assistance of a calculator. We don’t teach reading to be fun, but we teach it to be a chore. We barely even cover the fundamentals of grammar. We teach all these theories that look good but don’t work that are presented by people who have never even been in the classroom. There is little authority given to teachers to be able to discipline their students. High school is being transformed into college, causing all the basics to be shoved down our kids throats so fast that they just barely have time to grasp what they’re taught. If they get behind at all, it’s just their tough luck. And I could go on and on.

It just burns me up that our government screwed up education in this country, caused us to get dumber as a nation, and rather than actually attempting to correct their mistakes made over the last few decades, they just want to add more time to the school year and rob our kids of their youth.

Frankly, Mr. Obama, you just lost any support from me you may have otherwise had. I took you to be a fairly intelligent person. But now I’ll simply presume you are just as arrogant and ignorant as every other politician and a puppet to those leaders from other countries. Let me just tell you, if you dislike America so much, why the hell are you leading us then? If every other nation is better than America, then get the hell out and go lead someplace else. We can manage without you. Goodbye and good luck making the rest of the world as dumb as you.

Sorry for the rant.

Let me just make clear on a few things, after having some time to reflect. I don't want to make it sound as though I think we can't learn from others. We can. I think it's a good thing to consider the accomplishments of others. And there are good ideas we can get from other countries. The problem I have is that I think there are better ways of improving education in this country without having our kids live at school, learning without a break. And I don't see why we should always have to strive to be number one at everything. It's a good goal, but not one worth killing ourselves for. If the Chinese and others want to stress themselves to death to become the smartest people on earth, then let them. We can still be a smart and prosperous people without necessarily having the highest test scores. And what's wrong with that? Why do we have to give up our way of life in order to be like everyone else, particularly when there are better options available?

Here's an idea. Why not give kids summer projects to do that are goal oriented toward their next year of school? This would allow kids time away from school, but still give them specific opportunities for learning. And I'm not talking about non-stop homework projects either; just something that students can spend some of their time focused on, preparing them for their next year of school.

On another note, I will conceed that more school time is probably in the best interest of some students. But I think this should be a choice. Right now, in a lot of places, summer school or summer programs are offered as a choice for students. Afterschool programs, likewise, are offered as a choice. And these programs can certainly help to improve a child's education. Having worked in an afterschool program myself I can verify this. My problem is not with these particular programs. It is the arrogance on some to suggest that these programs are needed by all students, when they are not. It is the desire that we should always be number one at all costs, even if that cost is to rob our children of time that they need (not just want, but need) away from school. That is where I have a problem and conflict with the opinions of our current leaders.

Something Promising

2009-09-24T14:10:00.005-05:00

Below is a link to an article I read off of Netscape. It discusses a breakthrough in AIDS treatment--a possible vaccine.

http://news.aol.com/health/article/new-aids-vaccine/684837

I read this article and wondered how many people in the world would benefit from a cure for AIDS. Thousands, millions, all? I think all people. Some people want to point to homosexuals and say that this is their disease. But it's not. AIDS is something that has claimed the lives of millions of people all throughout the world, not only homosexuals, but heterosexuals as well--moms, dads, children, whole families. The people on the continent of Africa have been particularly hard hit by AIDS. And it's not just limited to there.

I watched a movie a while back and one of the characters was asked about how many friends he'd lost during the 80's because of the AIDS outbreak. He responded over half. I think about what it would be like if half of my friends died because of a disease so few knew anything about. During the 80's, so few really did know what was going on. I can't imagine the panic or worry or concern so many people must have felt back then, and the sadness of losing so many loved ones.

I hope the possible vaccine treatment mentioned in the above article will help eventually lead to a cure for AIDS. When that day comes, I'll rejoice alongside of all those whose lives has been affected by it.

Still Calls Me Son -- John Waller

2009-09-07T20:01:00.002-05:00

Happy Labor Day!

Last week I was listening to a cd I'd burned a year or so ago and the following song came on. It had been a long while since I'd listened to it, and I'd actually forgot it was on the cd. It's an incredible song based upon the story of the Prodigal Son. I hope you enjoy it. This wasn't the best video to accompany the song (there was a better one I'd like to have included, but it wouldn't let me embed it), but still this will let you hear it.

Walking With God

2009-09-04T23:43:00.002-05:00

I once went walking along a sandy beach shore, with God standing by my side. I looked at him periodically, and down upon the sand and out at the ocean, turning to look ahead as we continued to walk forward. But I wasn’t really walking; it was more of a float, as if being pulled along. All I could hear was the roar of the ocean as the wind swept past us. The sky was grayed with clouds and the air was cool and damp.

I turned to look at the older, wiser man beside me. His gaze was always steady, always looking forward. I looked ahead, up the beach, at the horizon—the sun setting just behind a distant dune that seemed forever away.

Suddenly, he stopped. He said nothing, but continued looking forward. Then he glimpsed out at the ocean. He looked back to me with a smile upon his face—the smile reassuring and warm. Then he turned to look ahead at the horizon once again, but did not move.

Slowly, I moved nearer to him. I put my arms around his right and held onto him, pressing the rest of my body to him. I couldn’t face him though. I couldn’t look up. I couldn’t move or think or say or do anything. Finally, I felt his other hand close round upon mine, embracing my hold upon him. I looked up at last, fearful, ashamed, guilty and crying, tears rolling down my face. He looked down at me and smiled, nodding finally and then looking once more to the horizon. I looked at the setting sun too and, together, with his leading, we began to move forward once more. Each step I took was made possible only by him.

* * *

As you probably noticed, it’s been a while since my last post. I just haven’t really felt like writing anything much lately. I just wanted to take a moment though to say thank you to a few people. I don’t want to name names because… well, I’m not sure it would be altogether appropriate, but you’ll know who you are. Since my last post I’ve received many encouraging and uplifting emails from some of you. One of you actually offered to fly me out to visit you so that we could go on a church trip together. This offer coming from a friend that I trust, it was something that nevertheless surprised me—just that someone would be willing to do something so nice for me like that. Another of you has written back and forth to me several times. You have been there for me in some lonely moments, whether I admitted that to you or not at the time. You told me I was loved, and a blessing. You remind me there are good people out there who truly do care about me. You have each reminded me of that. And I thank you.

Some of the things I mentioned in my last post still have not yet been resolved. But I know God is still working in my life, and I think I can say I have a bit more hope now than I did.

I’m not alone.

Post 102: Apologies, Friends, Church, and Family--My Life at the Moment

2009-08-04T02:21:00.001-05:00

I want to apologize for my last post. It’s not one that I really wanted to write. I’d been considering it for some time, purposefully putting it off, and then in a moment of loneliness, feeling sorry for myself, and frustrated, I penned the note and published it on here for all to see. And I asked a question that, really, I already knew in my heart but didn’t want to accept, and am still having trouble accepting.

I’m not ready to accept that I’ll never be with another man. And the reason for that is because I know to accept it means that I’m accepting a life without a partner. It means I’ll be accepting a future I really don’t want. I don’t want to grow old all alone. I don’t want to always live alone, or only with family. I want my own family. And it hurts me knowing that there is someone out there who I love so strongly, who I’d like to share the rest of my life with, to build a life with, but that I know I can’t be with.

I no longer hold any illusions that I’ll someday find a woman, fall in love, get married, have kids, and live happily ever after as a heterosexual male. I feel foolish for ever having believed this. It’s not that I think it can’t happen, but that I really don’t think I want it bad enough to ever see it happen. I don’t want that sort of life. The idea of having a wife doesn’t seem like such a great prospect at all to me. It seems more like a burden—not only for myself, but to whomever my wife would be. I’m afraid of it, to be quite truthful. I don’t think I’d ever be able to connect with a wife the way a husband should. And as far as kids are concerned, I just want to make it clear that I really do love kids. My nephews, for instance, have brought me so much joy in life. They’ve been a blessing beyond anything else. But I really don’t think I ever want to have kids of my own. I worry I’d just screw up their lives, or that I wouldn’t be able to be a dad to them in the way they’d need, and, frankly, I believe this world is so harsh that I want no part of responsibility bringing another being into it.

I know I can do a lot of good by not being with anyone—male or female. I think about the Apostle Paul and how remaining celibate allowed him to do more things he’d not have been able to do, perhaps, had he had a family to have to take care of. He was free, in a sense, to do other things. I try to keep that in mind. And I try to keep in mind that I don’t want to be responsible for my friend, the one I mentioned in my previous post, falling into sin. As Sweeney pointed out to me, or caused me to see more clearly, this life is short, eternity is forever, and I’d much rather be with my friend in Heaven, for all eternity, than to gain a husband for a few short years here on earth.

I whine around too much on this blog, and I’m sorry for that. I hope you’ll forgive me. It’s just that this blog is almost entirely my only means of communicating the thoughts that I’ve shared with you. If I didn’t write about such things on this blog, I’d only be bottling everything up all the time. So, I thank you for putting up with me.

I hope you’ll be willing to bear with me a bit more though.

I’ve not been in church for a long time now. I think Mother’s Day was the last time I went, Easter before that, and then only a few weeks running around Christmas. I’ve not gone to church regularly now for about a year.

This bothers me.

I quit going to church for many reasons. One reason was due to childishness, as my friend Erik suggested, and I believe was right to say so. I didn’t like the way I was being treated, so I decided to run away and go play alone in my own sandbox—as he put it. To a very large extent, I got tired of trying and putting up with others at my church, and so I left. I allowed my frustrations and anger and bitterness at them to well up within me and cause me to just give up on them, and to a larger extent, the church itself. I’ve not been very forgiving for some of the things done to me, even the things that were probably just misunderstandings on my part. But another reason is that I got tired of seeing others being mistreated as well. Last summer, one of the youth at my church announced he was gay (which was quite literally a surprise to me), and the way everyone responded to him made me sick, to say the least. And it saddened me, because I realized if I shared my own struggles, the people I’d spent my whole life going to church with would treat me the same as they did him—I finally knew what would happen if I actually came out to more people at church. I knew already what had happened when I came out to my preacher; he wouldn’t have anything to do with me, except to ignore me, put me down, and act like a total… well, let me refrain from name calling, but just say that he treated me like crap. And then I saw how not only him, but the rest of the congregation as well, treated this young teenager like crap. They did nothing to help him. And I saw how they did nothing to help a few other people with some of their problems.

I’ve felt so much anger, and at people I hate feeling this way about. I care about them, but they’ve shown me that they care so little about me. I mean, here it’s been several months since I’ve been in church and not a single person has checked up on me. It’s like they don’t miss me at all, like I wasn’t even wanted in the first place. And now I’m left wondering what to do. I think I should go to church somewhere, but I don’t know where. I’ve heard others talk about how their churches are, I’ve been to some of them, and it’s just like none of them are any better. So, should I go back to my church? I really don’t know. And then again, I’ve been having doubts about what I believe in. I’m not sure what I believe. I have one friend who’s been telling me about Catholicism, and I have to admit I like and agree with a lot of things he has taught me about Catholic doctrine. But I don’t agree with everything he’s told me. I’m not sure I know what doctrine I believe in to even know what church to go to. And maybe that’s not the most important thing anyway. Maybe Christians get too caught up in doctrine when they should be focusing more on the basics, rather than the little details. There again, sometimes the devil’s in those little details.

So, where does that leave me?

On top of all that, I’ve lost my job this year, friends, most of the support or encouragement of my parents (who refuse to help me as well—on practically anything), my counselor, and almost any feeling that God is intervening in my life at all. And to be honest, I feel angry and confused with him as well. I did everything I thought He wanted me to do, that I felt led to do (and for that matter not to do), and I can’t see how any of it made any difference in anyone’s life. If anything, I think things are worse off. I don’t understand how God could allow the church, what should be a place of refuge, hope, strength and salvation to become something of the complete opposite. And I don’t understand what purpose it’s served me, or others, to go through some of the things I’ve gone through. I know I’m nobody to be questioning the ways of God, but I do question what God wants of me. What is my purpose?

Erik reminded me also that church isn’t always about getting something in return. It’s also about giving to others and serving God. This is something that I largely felt I had been doing, but got discouraged with when I truly needed help and nobody was there for me in return. It’s like somebody getting their arm cut off in church and everybody just looking at that person and doing nothing to help stop the bleeding. After three years of asking for help, I think I just finally bled out.

And I wonder how my preacher and others can make comments like they don’t understand why people leave the church. This baffles me. When people come to the church expecting it to live up to its words, to do the things it’s supposed to do, and then they find that not to be the case, it’s disheartening and disillusioning. People don’t want what isn’t real. I don’t want what isn’t real. I either want the real thing, or I don’t want it at all.

I want to ask anyone who reads this post to please pray for me to find a good church to go to. I want to be in church again, to be with other Christians, praising God, doing good for others, and being filled with the Spirit. So, please pray for me about this.

I just feel stuck right now. It’s like everything I’d worked for at church, at work, at home, with everything has fell apart. And I feel powerless to do anything about any of it. I didn’t want to leave my church, but I felt like I couldn’t make a difference there, and just almost had to leave. I tried to reach out and nobody ever reached back. I tried to get involved and was always pushed aside and pushed out. I worked so hard at work to do a good job and the people I worked for evidently couldn’t have cared less. I made all sorts of improvements, never caused anybody any trouble, and it’s like that didn’t matter (If I’d slept around with someone’s wife, stole money from the register, and/or blown up the place I’d probably still be employed right now). I give and give and give to my family and have done all I can do for them and it’s like it’s never enough. And from all three, if I ever ask/ed for anything in return it was like I was asking for somebody to cut off their arm or something. I mean, it’s not like I ever ask much out of anybody. But when something comes up that I desperately need help from someone, I’d have thought or hoped that that help could be returned from time to time—especially when I’d so willingly offered/given it myself.

Take my parents, for example. My dad knows all the things that have happened concerning me at church. Has he tried to help me any—talk to my preacher, defend me, back my ideas? No. Has my mom helped me with anything concerning being back in school? No. Here she is a teacher, went to school only about fifteen years ago, knows a lot of the stuff I’ve needed help with (I’m becoming a teacher too), but she won’t help me with anything. Both of my parents want to pretend that I’m not gay, which is of no help to me whatsoever. I can’t talk with them. Dad keeps leaving little hints that I should try to get with this girl or that one, and mom is currently doing all she can to get the daughter of one of her friends interested in me, which is just a nightmare I don’t need at all right now, or want, but tell her that. And the list could go on and on, but I think I’ve proven my point. There’s just no support.

And so there’s where I’m at. As I already said, I’m sorry to be spilling all of this out to everyone, but it’s either do it on the blog or bottle it all up and go insane, so I chose the blog. Hopefully next time I’ll have something better to write about.

How Do You Let Go of the One You Love?

2009-07-23T23:32:00.003-05:00

For several months now, going on a full year, I have found myself in love with one of my friends. I never planned on these feelings coming about, and I’ve done my best not to encourage them. But as I’ve grown closer to this friend, the more these feelings have grown. I’ve not told him how I feel about him. But I know that I love him more than I’ve ever loved anyone else. I’d love to spend the rest of my life with him. I want to take care of him. I want to love him. I want to spend time with him, to share my life with him.

I know some people may want to suggest that the feelings I have for this friend are based more on lust or infatuation, or an emotional dependency, but they’re wrong. This man I love isn’t a great looking man—in fact he’s rather ordinary. And I can and have went long periods of time without being around him and without falling to pieces, so I am far from emotionally dependent on him. And it’s not about sex. I just want to be with him. I love him. When I think about him, see him, or hear his voice, I feel as though a missing part of me has finally been discovered. I feel warm, almost giddy. I feel complete and comforted in a way that nothing else has ever made me feel.

But as a Christian, I know I can never be with him. Because he too is a Christian, I know I can never be with him. I can never be with him.

Can someone please tell me how I am to let him go? How do I let this person I love leave my heart, without feeling as though I’m giving up the person I’m meant to be with, and feeling as though I’m giving up the only real chance I’ll ever have at having a relationship with someone? How do I not have these feelings anymore?

How do I let go of the one I love?

Savior, Please

2009-07-12T01:06:00.002-05:00

This is my one hundredth post. I’d thought about writing something really special, or meaningful, to mark the occasion, but then I thought about this song and I realized it was more befitting than anything else I could possibly think of writing right now. It’s a great song by Josh Wilson. I hope you enjoy it.

I will just say this though: I thank God for the technology of today, and for being able to have this blog. Without it—or more importantly, without the contact with other people it has allowed me—I’d be a far different person today than I am.

Here’s to the next hundred! :)

Fell in Love with a Boy (or: I Want to Run)

2009-07-06T13:20:00.001-05:00

I want to run
I want to run away from my life
And begin my life anew

I want to love the man I love
And to know he loves me too

I want to know I belong
And to know that there is a real purpose to my living

I want to make friends
I want people to like me
People I can share my life with

I want my family to get along
I want to enjoy my family

I want to run
I want to run

I feel myself falling away
I am—somebody I seem to know less and less about every day
I don’t understand

I want something else
I just want to run
I want to love the man I fell in love with
I want to run to him
I want to run

When Your Best Just Isn't Good Enough

2009-06-26T18:32:00.002-05:00

There have been many things I’ve attempted to do in my life and come away from those attempts feeling as though I’m a complete failure. I’m sure most people have felt this way one time or another. It’s a frustrating thing whenever you try your best at something, and no matter how hard you try, you’re never quite good enough. You either have certain failures or setbacks, or someone else is always able to do the same thing better somehow. If you let it, these feelings can literally destroy your self-esteem and any feelings of self-worth or value.

I’m glad that with God our best is always good enough. That’s all he asks of us, is to give our very best, to do our very best, to try our very best. I’ll admit there have been times when I have felt like a complete failure as a Christian. I’ve done a lot of things no Christian should ever do. I haven’t always followed God’s leading, or cared as much for my fellow man as I should have, or abstained from certain sins, or a whole host of other things. I haven’t always given my best to God. But it is a comfort that my best is all he asks for. That’s all he wants: my very best, the best I can do. And so long as I’m doing that, I am good enough.

(I want to add that this note is for those in Christ. I do not mean to imply that all God ever wants from anyone is a best attempt at being good. Of course He expects that, but He also expects you to follow His son, Jesus, accepting Him as Lord and Savior of your life, and allowing Him to influence and change your life for the better. It is along that path, which I believe doing your best is good enough.)

Reflections on My Life: Part II

2009-06-20T19:58:00.004-05:00

This last week I’ve gone walking a couple of times at the track behind my old middle school. I hadn’t been there in years. There were a few changes, but overall, it was still the same ole place I remembered.

As I was walking, a lot of memories came to mind. My middle school years were some of my favorite years of being in school. I had teachers I liked, classes and classmates I liked, plenty of friends, and the whole world ahead of me. I remember getting to read a lot. Every Friday in English class we got to read a book of our choosing for the entire class period. Our teacher would usually allow us to have snacks as well. I think it was during this time that I really developed a love for reading. It was the first time any teacher had just allowed me/us to read anything we wanted like that and to make something fun out of it. Come to think of it, I probably gained my love for reading in the sixth grade instead. We read a lot of good books in reading class that year. I remember having friends. I had more friends during those two years than at any other time in my life. I remember feeling confused about a lot of things, as I’m sure most kids do when they’re at that age. I remember I wasn’t gay. Okay, yeah, I was, but I didn’t really know it or understand it at the time—I just assumed I had some misplaced feelings that would eventually go away.

I remember the transition from middle school to high school was not a very good one for me. I had signed up for marching band my freshman year. The summer before school started I had to practice quite a lot with the others. I never enjoyed that. Band for me had always been about the music and having fun, not about marching and competition. To make matters worse, most of the friends I’d made in middle school band didn’t join that year, and the older students I was around made it abundantly clear that they didn’t like me. They never tried to reach out to me or befriend me. And anytime I tried I was put down or just outright ignored. They made fun of me. One of them in particular, I can’t number how many times he called me a faggot or queer and said he hated fags like me. I was miserable that year.

Looking back, I really wish things could have been different. I wish I’d done what some of my other friends from middle school did. I wish I’d taken a carpentry class or some other vocational class like they did. I wish I’d been able to make friends that year. I think, in hindsight, one or two people may have honestly tried to reach out to me. But when they did I couldn’t trust them. I was afraid of getting hurt. The rest of the time I was in high school, I was pretty much a shadow. I kept to myself and did everything I could to avoid others. Those few I was friends with never really knew me at all. They may have liked me, they allowed me to be around them, they invited me along on a few outings, but I know I never really let them know anything about me. They knew I was shy, quiet, calm, maybe even kindhearted, but that was all they knew. I wouldn’t let them know anything else.

I can see so clearly how much I changed when I started high school. But it’s when I was in middle school that I remember most fondly. I was more outgoing, happier, and definitely more positive about myself and life back then. I had friends, and I didn’t hide myself.

One thing I’ve been thinking about a lot lately is why I have so much trouble making friends these days. I honestly think the answer lies in how I changed when I began high school. Before my ninth grade year, I was just myself. I allowed people to know me. But when things didn’t go so well my freshman year, I think I just quit letting people know me, and I gave up trying to know them.

I’ve been reminded lately, or perhaps taught, that trying to be anything other than myself is foolish. And wrong. I believe God values each and every one of us, including the unique qualities or characteristics we each possess. When I entered high school I stopped being myself. When I was myself, I was made fun of, bullied, and made afraid. Out of fear and hurt, I withdrew. I began hiding myself from others, and became more cautious of how I acted around them.

Almost three years ago now, I contacted an Exodus Affiliate Ministry in Indianapolis, IN. A counselor, Paul, offered to help me there. We wrote emails back and forth to each other, and once I became comfortable with him we began talking over the phone. I’ll always owe Paul a huge debt of gratitude because he pushed me to be myself again, and to open up to others and try to make friends. He also was very compassionate and understanding. Paul is one of the few straight people I’ve ever known who was willing to at least try to understand the things I’ve went through and offer real meaningful help and encouragement. And I never felt like he was judging me.

The last three years I’ve tried to follow Paul’s advice. In a lot of ways, it’s helped me. Some of it’s only caused more problems—though I don’t really fault Paul for that—in a more perfect world life would be easier done than said. But, it’s sort of because of Paul’s influence on me that I’ve done some of the things I’ve done to make friends, that I got as involved at my church as I did, and that I began this blog. He helped me feel more comfortable being myself. All of it’s been in the attempt to become me again, and to allow others to know me—to fully know me, and for me to know them.

All of these thoughts came to mind while I was walking.

I think fear can lead people to do some really terrible things. The ones who bullied me did so out of their own fears and prejudices. The fear of their bullying and anyone else thinking the things about me that they did caused me to give up on myself and others.

I look back and I wish I’d done things differently. I wish I’d looked those people in the face and told them to shove off. I wish I’d not paid any attention to them or cared about what they thought. I wish I’d kept on being myself. I wish I’d kept on trying to make friends. I wish I’d felt comfortable enough about myself to just be myself and let everyone know how I felt—about everything. I think I might have been happier if I’d done that.

The last year or so, I have tried more to just loosen up around people. I realize not everyone is going to like me. I am who I am though. People will either like me or they won’t. If they don’t, I can get over it. But, if they do, that’s great, and something worth fighting for. This last year, I have felt more comfortable being myself. I’m not afraid of people knowing me like I used to be. I’m not afraid to come across feminine or gay around others—it’s just how I am. And I’m not afraid to face criticism, even when that criticism hurts, because I know there are others who do love me, who do care about me, and who do value me as a person.

I guess the main point of all of this is that it’s stupid to allow others to tear you down and cause you to give up on yourself. Be happy being you, because there’s no one else in the world quite like you. And there’s something so truly special about that.

Beautiful Ride

2009-06-17T21:01:00.002-05:00

I heard a song last night that I really liked. I was watching the movie Walk Hard: the Dewey Cox Story, and at the end John C. Reilly sang this terrific song. It’s not the best song in the world, and I realize it was probably meant to come across comedic, but as I listened to it I thought about how honest and uplifting it really is. Essentially, the song is about what the main character of the movie has learned from his life. And to sum it up, he realizes his life has been a beautiful ride. It just got me to thinking that I hope that’s how I’ll feel at the end of my life—that I will be able to look back and know that I really did live a good life and know what was important.

I’ve posted the song below. Probably doesn’t say much for my taste in music, but what the hay. I hope you enjoy it too.

Random Bits of Boredom and Some Thoughts on My Mind

2009-06-12T15:57:00.003-05:00

As the title of this post would suggest, I have been literally bored out of my mind the last few days. This is the first summer in a while that I haven’t had a job. I’m used to working outdoors and getting my hands dirty. So far, this summer has been absent of that sort of work. Or, well, it’s been absent of the great degree of it to which I’m used to. With no job, and not being in school for the moment, I’ve had plenty of time to take care of some long time projects. My bedroom is the cleanest it’s been in months—no more stacks of books and school papers lying around on the floor for me!—I’ve compiled a four inch thick folder of worksheets and lesson plan ideas that I’d accumulated over the last two semesters (should really come in handy once I start teaching), I’ve written one short story, revised another, written more on a novel that’s been in the works for what seems like forever now, and thoroughly enjoyed as much reading, movies, video games, exercise, and exploring the countryside as I can possibly take in. On top of that, I’ve spent quite a lot of extra time with my family.

One thing I’ve not done yet, but been itching to do, is a carpentry project of some sort. If any of you didn’t know this about me, I actually really enjoy carpentry. I’ve been considering building a table or desk on account that the one I currently have just isn’t really big enough for all of my computer stuff. It’s also crossed my mind that I might be able to make a little extra money building some furniture. Money aside, and the need for a larger desk, I just really enjoy building things, feeling as though I’m making something useful, being productive like that. It’s actually been some time since I was last able to do any of this sort of work, so I really am looking forward to it.

On the subject of carpentry, has it ever struck anyone curious that Jesus, being God himself, the creator of the entire universe, was a carpenter by trade? I’m not sure if I’d ever really considered how perfectly suited the job of a carpenter was for him; after all, being a carpenter you get to create—just something neat to think about.

Something else I’m working on is getting a little healthier. I’ve been trying to eat better foods, and when I say that, I mean those with less than 100 grams of fat and five-thousand calories, which pretty much rules out fast food. The last couple of years, life for me had been so busy I’d allowed fast food to become my friend. The downside was that I’ve put on about thirty pounds. Yep, the diet is in full effect. No more eating out (at least no more than twice a month, if I can help it) and no more junk food. I’ve also gotten back on a regular exercise routine. I love jogging/walking. There’s a track that I like to go to just a mile or two out of town. It’s a nice place. I try to go at night, because I like the cool air and the fact that I usually get the place all to myself. It’s somewhere I can go and avoid any distractions and have the privacy to either talk through my thoughts or talk to God. And I love the sound of the crickets and seeing the lightning bugs in the field nearby. It’s just really peaceful. Usually I’ll walk five laps and jog or run five laps. Sometimes I’ll do more or less depending on the weather. In addition to jogging, I’ve been doing fifty to a hundred crunches and fifty pushups once every other day. So far I’ve managed to lose a little over five pounds. Anyone got any tips for me? I’d appreciate the advice.

I’ve been thinking about church lately. It’s been a while since I’ve went. To be honest, I’m afraid if I go back to church and something else goes wrong I’ll just end up wanting to quit it for good. I know this isn’t good. I believe Jesus meant for us, His followers, to be in relationship with each other. But I feel as though the church today just isn’t what it ought to be. And I’m not sure where, if I was going to go to church, I’d go. I’m not sure what I’ll end up doing. Maybe I’ll go back to my old church, maybe I’ll find a different one, maybe I’ll just take a little more time away from it to figure out what I’m doing. Only problem with that last idea is that I know not being in church isn’t helping me. I know I need the support it provides, even if that support only comes in the form of feeling as though I’m a part of something.

I’ve also been thinking about friends. I want to thank everyone who gave such good advice and comments for my last post, which was of this subject. One thing I realize is that I am a shy person. I also have trouble trusting people. So, it takes a while for me to open up to people. I realize that this doesn’t help me to make friends very easily. I know I can also be rather stubborn and perhaps even arrogant at times, neither of which can help when it comes to building a relationship with a person. I also recognize that it doesn’t help me any being gay and living in a rural part of the country, where being different isn’t typically considered a good thing to be. I’m not openly gay to too many people actually, but I know a lot of people think that about me. I know I do have some rather effeminate mannerisms and my voice is sort of soft. As Jay would call it, I have a little extra “sugar in my step”, so to speak (I don’t know why but I can’t help but like that expression). I’m sure a lot of guys see me and hear me speak and just automatically assume that I’m either gay or just too effeminate or different for their own liking. Regardless of whatever it is about me or otherwise that keeps me from making/keeping friends, I’m determined to keep on trying. I suppose it’s the stubbornness in me that keeps me from giving up.

Another thought on my mind is that I haven’t felt very close to my dad lately. I was playing the second Splinter Cell game the other night and out of nowhere this huge feeling of nostalgia came over me. I’m a terrible sentimentalist like that. I remembered a few years back when my dad and I played through the game for the first time. We played several other games together as well—mostly Medal of Honor and James Bond games. When we were playing those games I felt the most connected with my dad. I really enjoyed those times. There haven’t been very many like that when I felt so close to him. I struck up a conversation with him the other day about the Splinter Cell game, and I could see after a few minutes the fondness he has for those times as well. We ended up talking about the things we remembered most from some of the games and it didn’t take long for the excitement to grow in both of our voices. I’m hoping we’ll be playing one of the ole games together again soon.

Well, that should probably be just about enough from me. I’ll close with just one last thought, though. Does anyone else think that maybe it was a good thing that abortion doctor got shot recently? I mean, I hate that the man was killed, and by no means do I mean to imply that people should take up their guns and start killing doctors, but the man was admittedly himself the murderer of hundreds of unborn babies. I can’t help but feel as though a mass murderer just finally got what was coming to him. I know that probably sounds rather harsh, but seriously, with the man dead, his clinic has closed and who knows how many babies could now get a chance to live. Sort of makes you think a bit, doesn’t it?

(I want to add just this one last thing in order to avoid any further confusion. I do not condone the murder of Dr. Tiller. I think it was an awful thing that he was murdered. All I meant in the previous paragraph was that I think it's a good thing fewer abortions may take place now. But I do not think it was a good thing Dr. Tiller was murdered, nor do I believe his murderer had a right to do so. I'd have much rather him lived and somebody have been able to convince him to stop doing the abortions. And I want to apologize if my comments earlier seemed insensitive or uncaring. That really was not my intent.)

Friends

2009-06-02T01:40:00.008-05:00

For about as long back as I can recall I’ve had trouble making friends. I meet someone I like, I spend time with them, I try to get to know them, maybe we hang out or do something for a while, and then nothing. All communication stops. Or, there’s also the occasions when I’m trying to become friends with someone and they won’t give me the time of day. Then there are those who I’ve thought were close friends that turned out not to be. After a lifetime of what I’d define as poor friendships, I seriously wonder what the problem is. Is there something about me that people just don’t like, am I going about things all wrong, or is it just the sort of people I end up being around? Or is it a combination of the three? I don’t know. I don’t understand it. But I know I just get so tired of trying and not seeing any results. (I think I should add that I do have several internet friends. What I'm talking about here are close, personal friends--the type you can see face to face and actually do things with in person).

I’ve heard of other people who struggle with a similar problem, particularly SSA men trying to form healthy friendships with straight men. I know I have trouble trusting people sometimes and loosening up. Maybe that’s what I need to work on. Maybe I’m too stiff for most people.

I guess the point of this post is that I’d like to hear from all of you that read my blog how you go about making friends. How do you define friendship? What makes you want to be friends with certain people? What makes you not want to be friends with certain people? How do you keep friendships together? What challenges have you faced in some of your friendships? I really am quite curious about all this.

A Work in Progress--Stop the Hatred!

2009-05-18T15:38:00.006-05:00

I dedicate this post to the memory of Matthew Shepard, and to the family and friends he left behind. I pray his story is never forgotten.

Lately I’ve felt very hopeful about life. For the first time in a really long time, I feel as though my life is going in a really good direction. And I feel as though I’m letting go of some of my past. I’ve been able to shake off some of those old wounds and some of the things preventing me from moving forward, and I’ve been able to accomplish a lot of things I doubted I would ever be able to accomplish. I feel free. And I have God to thank for all of this.

Sometimes I have a hard time understanding God. There are times when I feel so close to Him, as though he’s a part of my every being. Other times, I feel as though He’s a stranger I only barely knew, but who no longer comes around. I wonder why He continues to be so good to me. I’ve done so many things against Him. I think that’s part of the beauty of God. He’s always working on me, always with me, always paving a way for my life, even if I don’t recognize it. He always loves me.

I am a sinner. I sin in some way or another probably every single day. Sometimes I sin intentionally, and sometimes it’s unintentional. Regardless, I sin. But God still loves me.

I don’t understand people who claim that God hates. Most of you who regularly read my blog know that I am gay. I am sexually attracted to other men. I try hard not to act upon my attractions, because I am a Christian and I believe homosexual activity is sinful. But I will admit, sometimes I do act on those attractions.

Some people in the church would say that my sins are worse than the sins of others. They look down on homosexuals and treat us with a certain air of disgust or unconcern. I don’t understand people like this. I don’t understand how someone can claim to be a Christian but believe some people are better than others, and believe that some aren’t worth saving or knowing, or worth the love of God. It bothers me greatly whenever I hear somebody say “God hates fags”. That statement is a lie and demeaning in so many ways. It is equally demeaning to hear phrases like “That’s so gay” or “What a fag”. I believe Christians should know better. Everyone sins. No sin is worse than another. True, some may have greater consequences than others, but all are equally offensive to God. But despite that, God loves us. How do I know this? Because he came to earth in the form of Jesus Christ and died for each and every one of us so that we may not perish on account of our sins. God took the punishment upon himself that we each should rightfully bear on our own. He didn’t do this for only a select few sinners. He did this for every sinner. What greater message of love could there be? And what right does any of us have to deny anyone the experience of knowing that love? As Christians, we should never be exclusionary of anyone. We should strive to love every single person of the world in the same fashion that Jesus loves. We should reach out to them, befriend them, and help bring them into the fold. And oh what a difference we could make if we would all do that!

It also bothers me to see Christians stand on the sidelines when others belittle or mistreat people. Too often I’ve seen fellow Christians do nothing to help the person being mistreated. There is no excuse for this. Now, I’m not tooting my own horn here, because I have certainly been guilty of this myself, and I pray God forgives me for this, but we should never allow our fears or prejudices keep us from doing what is right. No one deserves to be abused. When we Christians see that happening to someone, we should do everything in our power to help stop that abuse. If we do nothing, we send the message that we condone what is being done. What a horrible message to send to the world! We should be teaching ourselves and others to stop this sort of thing, and to speak out against it whenever we see it happening.

I feel sorry for people who hate. They wreck their own lives and the lives of others through their hatred. And what good is that? A young man in Wyoming named Matthew Shepard was beaten to death a few years ago because he was gay. I wonder why? What fuels that sort of hatred in a person that they would take someone out to the middle of nowhere, tie them to a fence, beat them within an inch of their life, and then leave them for dead? I don’t understand something like that. I don’t understand how someone could allow their hatred for something to build so much that they would brutally attack and kill a person like that. I don’t know if Matthew felt as I do, but I don’t look at myself only as being gay. There is so much more to who I am than what gender I find sexually attractive. I am also a son, a brother, a grandson, a nephew, an uncle, a friend, a Christian, a teacher, a writer, an environmentalist, and so many other things. My identity is not solely wrapped around the one thing that so many people seem to hate. When you kill or abuse a person out of hatred, know that there is more to that person than just the thing you hate. And know that despite your hatred for the person, there are others who love them. Know the loss and the sorrow that you cause them because of your actions.

I support hate crimes legislation for homosexuals. I haven’t always, but as I’ve aged and developed in my faith, I see no reason in the world now not to support it. I do believe the legislation should be written fairly and just, however, protecting the rights of everybody involved. I say this because some pieces of past suggested legislation has been written in a way that would punish a person because they believe homosexuality is wrong. I believe a person can believe this without hating or committing acts of violence, and should be allowed to express their beliefs if they choose. I don’t believe that in particular is criminal in nature so long as it doesn’t lead to harassment or the demeaning of an individual. Regardless, when so many people do hate homosexuals and do discriminate or commit acts of violence against homosexuals because of their hatred, I believe homosexuals should be allowed protection under the law.

As I mentioned earlier, I know there are some people, both Christian and not, who would hate me, or at least dislike me, because of my attractions to other men. I also know, however, how very much God loves me and is constantly working in my life to make me a better person and to lead me to a better place in life. I wish others would recognize this before condemning a person. We are all sinners, but we are all loved by God, can be saved, and have the potential to do so many great things in our lives and in the lives of others around us for the glory of God. When you hate a person, you potentially keep them from realizing these things.

Yes, I am a sinner, but I am also a work in progress, I have value as a human being, and I am loved by God.

Give Me Your Voice and I'll Lend You My Ear

2009-04-23T13:39:00.004-05:00

I thought seriously about continuing the poll, but I think I’ve decided against it. I’d rather get actual conversations as opposed to yes or no type answers.

One of the things I’ve had on my mind lately is my childhood. I don’t know why, but I keep reflecting back on all sorts of things. The other day I literally made a list of some of my favorite childhood movies. Afterwards, I watched a few of them and realized some might actually still be considered favorites. I’ve also thought about times when I was in elementary school. These memories have been good ones. They’ve not been bad. I’m not saying that all of my time in school was pleasant, but just that I’ve had the good memories on my mind.

I don’t know why, but I feel sort of an odd calm about life. I think that by reflecting back on the good times of my younger days, I’ve sort of been reminded of simpler times. And that’s made me yearn for that again.

I think people can take on too much work in their lives sometimes. I know I’m guilty of this. I try to do way too many projects all at once and then when I’m absolutely stretched for time, I feel like falling to pieces.

Life can sometimes be so complicated. And I keep asking myself why that is? I think, for the most part, we all complicate things for ourselves. Maybe that’s due to our misunderstandings or over-analytical personalities—who knows—but I think whenever our lives become overly complicated, we need to sit back for a moment, take a deep breath, and slow down. If we don’t, it will just cause us all sorts of problems (fatigue, frustrations, anger, strained relationships, etc.).

So, here’s what I’d like to know: Is your life too complicated? If so, what things do you allow complicate it? And what can you do to uncomplicated your life? How do you ease up some of the stress of life? Let me know what you think.

Anyone wanting to comment is welcome to do so.

Later! :)

Two Years and Counting

2009-04-18T17:13:00.003-05:00

Time is such a funny thing. I thought I was just about to reach the two year anniversary of my blog, so I looked up my first post to see about the date. As it turns out, the anniversary is today. So, I happily announce that my blog is officially a two year old (Watch out! They can be wild at that age. :) )

As I reread that first post I couldn’t help but feel as though it had been such a long time ago that I wrote it. So much has happened in that time. But regardless of all that’s taken place, and all the changes and new insights I’ve developed, I still feel that the message of that first post is as relevant as ever. If you’ve never read it, I’ll encourage you to do so. The remainder of this post will relate to it.

As a future teacher, it bothers me to see how many backward approaches people take to education. It bothers me to see how much corrupted, bureaucratic politics have infiltrated our schools. But I’ll reserve the urge to go into a rant about those things and focus solely on school violence.

In my first post, I commented on the shooting that took place at Virginia Tech. In the last few weeks, I’ve been reminded of that incidence by the news of a young man who shot himself, and another who hung himself, both because of bullying that took place at their schools. Yet again, more school violence has occurred. I warned in my first post that things of this nature will continue happening so long as we continue to push God further and further out of our society. Without God comes a great deal of immorality. History is full of examples of this.

But about school violence, I take seriously the fact that our politicians and school administrators at large have done nothing to honestly help curb it from happening. There are so many easy steps that could be taken to help prevent problems like this (that would actually work), but nobody seems to want to implement any of them. And I can’t help but wonder why?

I offer three solutions that I guarantee would cause a dramatic decline in school violence.

Solution number one: implement a Golden Rule policy throughout the entire school. This should be the rule that teachers enforce and focus on the most. They should look out for bullying. When they see it, they should stop it. They should teach constantly that students treat each other as they would want to be treated themselves. And there should be consequences for the one who does the bullying. This would not only help stop school violence, but it would show the students that their teachers care, and would help the students learn how to better care for each other as well. It would cause the students to put themselves in another person’s shoes and realize that it’s never okay to treat someone poorly.

Solution number two: perform confidential written student interviews at least once every two weeks. The teacher should write on the board these four questions for the students to answer on their own paper: What things do you like about school? What things do you not like about school? Is there anyone causing you any problems, or hurting you in some way? How do you feel today? Just to ask these four simple questions a teacher can find out what’s on the students minds. They can find out which students are at risk, who the bullies are, what problems are happening at school and at home, and practically any other problem the student is having, including academically. The teacher can then get help for the student before it’s all too late.

Solution number three: create a metal detector foyer at the entrances of every school. What this would mean is students would have to walk through two sets of doors in order to get into the building. At the first entrance, they would have to walk through metal detectors. If the detectors go off, the second set of doors would automatically lock and prevent the student from entering the school. The student carrying a firearm would be locked inside the foyer, preventing them from causing harm to any of the other students and giving time for police to apprehend them. Talk about prevention!

So, there are three solutions (and by no means the only ones out there) that would dramatically make a difference in our schools. I guess my question is, why haven’t these things been implemented? The first two solutions wouldn’t cost anybody anything. The third would cost some, but is that cost really too high? I certainly don’t think so—not if it prevents students from getting killed. And all of these are solutions that would actually work. They go directly to the root of the problem. The issue at hand seems to me to be everyone’s desire to complicate everything, and beat around the bush due to laziness, greed, and/or a thirst for power. And as long as that’s the case, I doubt we’ll ever see anything positive come about in this regard.

The warning still stands…

Analyzing the Results of the Poll

2009-04-11T14:10:00.003-05:00

Well, my first poll conducted on my blog just closed a few days ago. Here are the results:

6 people said gay marriage should be allowed.
3 people said gay marriage should not be allowed.
6 people said civil unions were okay, but not marriage.
0 people said that they didn't care one way or another.

Okay, so lets analyze the results. Naturally, if you don't care, why vote at all? That was sort of a dumb question on my part. But moving on, at first glance, one might think that there were more in favor of gay marriage being allowed than there were against it. But then you would have to consider the third option. Altogether, 9 people said that they felt gay marriage should not be allowed. Of those 9, 6 believed that civil unions should be allowed and recognized. What does that mean? It means that even though some don't believe marriage should be allowed, a majority do feel that gay relationships should be recognized in some way. If you look at the results in this way, you will find that a large majority had this feeling. Whether through marriage or civil unions, a total of 12 to 3 felt that gay relationships should be recognized. I think that's important to point out. Of those 12, half believe gay relationships should be recognized through marriage. The other half believe they should be recognized through civil unions. But there was not a consensus on how they should be recognized. There were only 3 people who voted who believe gay relationships should not be recognized.

I really find this interesting. When I first began this poll, I really wasn't sure what to expect. I had a hunch that more would be in favor of recognizing gay relationships in some fashion, due to the background of those who typically follow my blog (and that was a variable that should be considered here in this poll), but I was surprised to see the even split between those who favored gay marriage to civil unions. Even though a majority favored recognizing gay relationships in some way, that majority was evenly divided about how to recognize such relationships. After seeing these results, I'm not as surprised now about the failure to prevent Proposition 8 from passing in California a few months ago. These results, I think, show that indeed, the majority of people are not in favor of gay marriage. However, that does not suggest that the majority is against recognizing homosexual relationships.

So what are the implications? I see a problem here for those in the gay community fighting for gay marriage. Is the ultimate goal here a recognition of homosexual relationships, or is it to prove that homosexual relationships are exactly the same as heterosexual relationships? If it's the later, the results will always prove fatal. Gay relationships can never be exactly the same as straight relationships. Two men are not the same as a man and a woman. It's as simple as that. And I think most people see this. They see there is a difference here (Yes, apples and oranges are both fruit, but an apple can never be an orange). This poll of mine indicates this belief. However, if the goal is simply to get a recognition of homosexual relationships, then wouldn't it seem a far better bet to focus attention on civil unions? I do not doubt that all of those who supported gay marriage in my poll would also support civil unions for gay couples. However, those who supported civil unions clearly showed they were not in favor of gay marriage. My argument is wouldn't it be better for supporters of gay marriage to support civil unions instead? First off, they would clearly have an easier case to make, and if they won, they would still get all the rights and benefits given to straight married couples. The only difference is that they would have to let go of their attempt to prove the two kinds of relationships as the same. Logic suggests the two can never be the same. Not really. So, why not just accept that and fight for what's actually achievable?

There again, is gay marriage not achievable? More and more states seem to be accepting it. But just because the state accepts it, does that mean everyone will accept it? I don't think so. As a Christian, I can never accept any union between two people of the same sex as marriage. Even if the state allows gay marriage, which I tend to believe it should, I still could not accept it. That's just not marriage to me. It may be like marriage, but it's not marriage. I could, however, accept civil unions. As a Christian, I can't really complain about civil unions at all. So, wouldn't that be better to fight for? Looks to me like that would be a win win for everyone.

Let me know what you think. How do you feel about the results of this poll? Do you see the same implications I do?

As for the next poll, I'm still undecided as to what it will be about. I have a few ideas, but I've not settled on one just yet. So, keep a look out. I should have my mind made up in the next few days.

Harry Potter and a Way to Resist the Devil

2009-03-27T19:28:00.003-05:00

Sometimes I feel as though this life of mine just isn’t worth living. I feel sad, lonely, hopeless, angry, bitter, confused, and practically every other negative emotion a person could ever feel. I feel these ways more often than not, and I struggle terribly at times to stop these feelings. But every once in a while something comes along that makes me forget about everything bad in the world. It lifts my spirit, reminds me of something good that sometime happened, or gives me hope for something better.

I love watching the Harry Potter movies. I’ve never known a series that advocated love, friendship, and hope more than it. There’s a scene from the latest movie, Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix, toward the end, which moved me so much when I saw it the other day. I’d seen this movie a couple of times before, but I hadn’t really stopped to pay attention to this particular scene as closely as I should have. In it, Harry’s nemesis, Voldemort, takes control of his mind and body, incapacitating Harry, filling his mind with all sorts of horrible thoughts—the death of his parents and loved ones, times of loneliness, insecurities. Harry lies on the ground fighting to resist these feelings. Seeing him struggle, his teacher and mentor, Dumbledore, leans down beside him and says to him, “Harry, it isn’t how you are alike. It’s how you are not.” Harry then sees his two closest friends, Ron and Hermione, standing in the distance. He’s suddenly able to fill his mind with thoughts of their friendship, and of all the good times they have had together. And he thinks about the people he has known and loved. With these thoughts, he is eventually able to break free of Voldemort’s hold on him just enough to respond to him. “You’re the one who’s weak,” Harry says to him. “And you’ll never know love, or friendship. And I feel sorry for you.” At this, Voldemort tries harder to attack him, but Harry is able to fight him off. Voldemort leaves Harry’s body and then just stands over him and says, “You’re a fool Harry Potter. And you will lose everything.” A few minutes later, as everything has settled down and the movie is about to end, Harry tells his friends that they all have something Voldemort doesn’t have. “What’s that?” asks Ron. “Something worth fighting for,” Harry replies.

Can anyone else see the connection here between what happened in this movie and real life? I didn’t see it the first couple of times I watched this movie, but the way Voldemort attacks Harry is exactly how the devil attacks each of us. The devil fills our minds, runs us down, makes us to dwell upon all the bad in our lives and in the world, and in the hope that in doing so it will eventually destroy us.

I tend to think that God sends me those little moments of goodness to help me resist. Like Harry, sometimes I need someone to tell me I’m not bad. Sometimes I need something to remind me of better times. Sometimes I need to know my friends are still my friends. I am loved. I have known friendship. I have friends. I may sometimes be very much like the devil, but in so many ways, I know I am so very different from him. Dumbledore’s advice to Harry is good advice to accept. It’s not how we are alike, but how we are not alike that should make all the difference. I have known and experienced so many wonderful things the enemy never has and never will. These are things he can’t understand, but damns others because they do. Rather than hating and tearing down others and myself, and giving up, as he’d like me to do, and as he does, I have something better to hope for. I have something so much more worth fighting for. Why would I ever want to give that up?

I wrote in one of my comments to another post recently that if people would just look more for the good in themselves and the good in others, this world would be a far better place to live in. I believe in that with all of my heart. It’s that good that separates us from the devil. I believe there is good in everyone, and that no one is beyond saving. I believe that’s a big part of what the Christian message should be to the world. We can either join up with the one who has only ever had our destruction and misery in mind, or we can join the one who has brought about all the good we have ever known and could ever hope to know. Which one is more worth fighting for?

Like Harry Potter, I think I’d rather fight for what’s good in the world. And like him, I too feel sorry for the enemy. He will never know love. He will never know friendship. He will never know anything but hate and destruction. And I will never understand why he fights for that so much. Maybe it’s simply because he has already lost everything, and he wants all of us to lose as well. Whatever the reason, I’m not like him. And I’m not as he suggests I am. Despite whatever flaws I may have, I am so much better than that. And the next time he tries to take over my mind and my body, I think that’s just what I’ll tell him.

Educating America

2009-03-16T20:55:00.002-05:00

The last couple of weeks I’ve heard President Obama and other people in his administration make comments on how they would like to improve education in our country. A few of their ideas include longer school days, adding on an additional month to the school year, merit-based pay for teachers, and providing a $4,000 refundable college tax credit that will require the student who accepts it to perform 100 hours or more of community service. After hearing these ideas I am troubled by the direction this new president wishes to take education.

The whole idea concerning longer school days and extending the school year by as much as a month are based on what other Asian and European countries are currently doing. The idea is that students in this country simply are not having enough time to learn all that is required of them. Now, this is an idea that I agree with, but from a different perspective. I do not think the problem is that our school days aren’t long enough or that the school year is too short. I think the problem is that a lot of high schools have become colleges, and as a result, the basics in middle and elementary schools are being taught so fast that students simply do not retain the knowledge they need, or cannot keep up at all and are getting left behind. Now, one thing President Obama is supporting is college credit classes in high schools. At face value, this certainly appears to be a good idea. But let’s look at the results. With more and more high schools doing this, our students on average have not become smarter, but dumber. And I need no test or statistic to tell me otherwise. If you want proof, just ask people at various ages’ math questions. My grandparents can add, subtract, divide, and multiply fairly well. My parents are equally as well. But myself and my brother, and virtually any other person I’ve encountered around my age, we struggle terribly. It’s a wonder younger people today are able to do any math at all. Now, in high school, I took many math classes. One of them, pre-calculus, actually was a college credit class, which counted for college algebra. In these upper level math classes, I did well overall; only once can I remember making anything less than a B and quite typically I made all A’s. However, after eight years of being out of high school, I now find myself struggling just to figure out what should be a simple math problem. I have trouble remembering the rules for subtraction and division in particular. I remember virtually none of the algebraic formulas. Nor do I remember most of the formulas for geometry. And what I’ve seen is a decline in retention. But much more than that, I’ve found that most of the math skills learned in those upper level courses I’ve rarely, if ever, needed outside of school. And the skills that I have needed, those basic math skills, I cannot always recall.

So, what is the problem? As I said, I did fairly well in most school math classes. So, why didn’t I retain more of that knowledge? I can tell you it was because what math was taught to me was taught too quickly. I had just enough time to learn how to take the test, do it well, and then move onto the next thing and forget it. I remember at the time wishing that we could slow things down a bit so that I could get a better grasp of things. And by time I did take that college credit math class, making that C was a struggle in itself. Now, having said that, it would certainly sound as though a longer school day or a longer school year would have been the solution. But let’s look at the bigger picture here for a moment.

Elementary and middle schools teach the basics in math at an accelerated pace so that there is time for college credit math classes in high school. Students are therefore rushed and do not get as firm a knowledge on the basics as they should. When they get to high school, math is either impossible for them, or has become a struggle, which is why so many students opt to take as few math classes as possible—they just don’t understand the subject and it’s too difficult for them. Those who take the higher level courses may find ways to pass them, but by time they get out of school they find that their level of retention with math skills has diminished considerably. Does anyone else see the problem here? Why isn’t high school teaching high school math and leaving the college credit courses to college?

There’s the real issue we as Americans are facing. Students are being rushed through the process, in an attempt to compete with other countries, and are not getting as firm a grasp on the basics as they need to be able to succeed. The solution isn’t to extend the times for school. The solution is to slow down the process, allow students to get a better understanding of what they’re being taught, and to then make college free to every student wishing to attend.

Did you catch that last part? Yep, I said “free” college. In this day and age, when we live in a world where free trade has virtually killed the middle-class manufacturing jobs that had once helped to make this country what it is, getting a college degree is one of the most important things a person can do. Without it, there just aren’t a lot of higher paying jobs available like there once was. So, if we’re going to truly be a competitive country again, when it comes to education and high paying jobs, we must make college a free opportunity to anyone who wants it. Why not simply tack it onto the already public education system? Now there’s a solution worth fighting for! If our leader’s truly wanted us to be the best in the world, they would provide a higher level of education without financially crippling a person with tuition, financial aid, and other loans just to be able to go. With this solution, elementary and middle schools can slow things down a bit, allow the students to get a better grasp of the basics, allow high schools to build upon the basics, and then allow more people than ever before to attend college, earn a degree, retain knowledge, and go out into the world as the smartest people in it. We can do this! So why haven’t we?

The other problem I have with President Obama’s solution is that it takes away time for kids to be kids. Longer school days? Longer school year? No, I don’t think that’s such a wise course of action. My first argument against this would be just because other nations do this, doesn’t mean we should as well. Just because something works in one country doesn’t mean it would work in this one, in other words. My second argument is that if you push learning and school nonstop on any kid, they’re just going to eventually become so frustrated, burned out, and against school and learning that they’ll give up and reject it. They’ll rebel against it. While learning is important, so is play. Allowing children time to be children, to run around and play and socialize with other kids, is a very healthy thing. And as our children continue to become more and more obese in this country, I see this as something crucial to not be done away with. But the bottom line is just that there needs to be a time for school and learning as well as a time away from those things. After seven to eight hours or more a day in school, five days a week, children need a break. Now, I believe it was Obama’s secretary of education who suggested the school day be extended as long as perhaps eight in the evening for struggling students. Huh? I’m sorry, but a twelve hour day is not what any student needs. By the end of the day their little minds will have become nothing but mush.

And how about extending the school year? This too will not work. The president seems to forget about all those rural students who, even in this day and age, need those summers off in order to help their parents on the farm. For a good number of farmers, this is critical to their family’s livelihood. Without their children’s help, there can be no farm. And with fewer farmers, the more this country will have to depend on produce from other places around the world in order to survive. But on another matter, summer time is the time for play. Again, I think children should be allowed time to be children. And what better time to get outside, run around, get plenty of exercise and play than during summer? Our children need this time off for those very reasons.

Now, concerning merit-based pay for teachers, I think this is a tragedy just waiting to happen. The idea is that a teacher’s pay will be based upon how well their students are learning. Again, at face value, this may seem to be a good idea. However, my concern is on what this will be based upon. I don’t think it’s too hard to imagine the measure of how well a teacher performs will be based upon how well their students perform on standardized tests. Now, isn’t this the same president who spoke out against teaching to the tests, a big part of No Child Left Behind, before he got elected? You see, the minute you begin paying teachers based upon how well their students are learning you make everything, yet again, based upon tests that do not and cannot cover everything needed to be learned—not everything can be tested by a multiple choice test. Furthermore those tests are skewed in that they incorporate the academic achievement of all students.

Let’s say a teacher has twenty-five students in her/his classroom. One third of them have a learning disability, and at least two are either physically or mentally unable to function just to take care of themselves, let alone to be able to take a test (this is actually about an average make up for a general class, believe it or not). Are you seriously going to tell me that you’re going to base a teacher’s pay upon whether or not all those students reach a proficient level of learning? For most of them this is impossible, regardless of however much wishful thinking is involved. Now, I’m not saying these students should be given up on, but just that no matter how much attention you give them, the odds of them performing just as well as a student without any problems like this are slim to none. For most, it’s just not going to happen. They may show signs of improvement, and with a good teacher this will happen, but they aren’t very likely to score as high as their other non-disabled classmates. That being the case, how could merit-based pay ever be fair? It can’t. What’s more, if this does become a reality, a large number of good teachers will eventually just throw up their hands and give up. They’ll give up because the system will be against them. They won’t have a chance to begin with. You could have an extraordinarily good teacher who, just because the makeup of her class for a particular year includes a high number of students with disabilities, gets penalized by a pay cut or even worse, faces dismissal. Where is the logic to this? For a president who says he wants to grow the number of good teachers in this country, he’s sure off to a poor start at keeping them and encouraging others to go into the field.

A teacher’s merit should never be based upon tests alone. In a lot of ways you simply cannot measure the worth of any teacher by any given definition. A teacher may be a good teacher simply because he or she cares and loves their students. For a student, a teacher’s love may be the only love they ever receive. But how do you measure love? A teacher may be a good teacher because he or she teaches the students self-worth and endurance. But how do you measure those things? You see, it’s not just how well a student does on a test that determines the worth of a teacher. You could have an extraordinarily poor teacher whose students do well on the tests. But what do those tests really say about her/him as a teacher? It’s these things that I believe President Obama fails to recognize. He’s looking at education from a very narrow mind-view.

Now, concerning the tax credit to students wishing to go to college, it’s not the tax credit itself I’m against. It’s the requirement that students who accept it must do 100 hours of community service. Now, community service is a good thing, don’t get me wrong. But when you have to work, take care of a family, go to school, and do homework, that doesn’t exactly leave a lot of time for things such as community service. Especially not 100 hours of it. I have no doubt that some students will be helped by the president’s tax credit, but it’s certainly nowhere near a cure all, and for those non-traditional students such as myself, who has all those other things to do besides going to school, it won’t help at all—I for one would not be able to find the additional time to meet this requirement. So, whereas I think President Obama has the best of intentions by this, I think he fails to take into account the various circumstances people have in this regard. My argument again would be, why not just make college free to everyone who wants to go by tacking it onto the public education system? I guarantee if this were done, more people than ever before would attend college and earn a degree towards getting a higher paying job. Talk about our country profiting then!

I truly hope and wish for this President to do a good job. I think our nation needs him to do well. But I think with ideas like this, he is selling himself and our country short. He is taking backward approaches to the problems within our education system, looking over the root problems, and providing blanket solutions that in and of themselves still will not address the many challenges we face today.

Are You Straight?

2009-03-10T00:46:00.003-05:00

I just found this video and had to post it.

When the tables are turned, these questions and comments just sound so ridiculous, don't they? I wonder how many straight people would enjoy these things being asked of them? Probably not too many.

Pornography on My Mind

2009-03-07T22:43:00.002-06:00

So much of the time my Dad just makes me feel like a failure. I feel like I can never live up to his expectations of me, and nothing I ever do is right by him. I can’t talk with him. Not about anything deep or emotional anyway. Every time I’ve ever tried I’ve ended up feeling as though he’s judged me. Lately I think he’d honestly just like me to leave and stay gone. There’s no intimacy with him.

My mom would just like to control me (along with everyone else in the family). I’ve spent the last few years in particular distancing myself from her. And in doing so, I’ve come to realize she really doesn’t understand me at all. I don’t really understand her either though. But I also can’t seem to live up to her expectations. And like with dad, I can’t talk to her. There’s no intimacy with her.

My brother has his own problems. But he shows little empathy for my own. I’ve tried talking with him about my struggles with homosexuality, and he never seems to understand. His views on certain aspects of religion are also different from mine. He’s probably the best friend I have right now. But, to be honest, if my brother wasn’t my brother, I’m not so sure I’d be friends with him at all. He shows me time after time that he doesn’t respect me at all; he constantly pushes me away. There’s some, but very little intimacy with him.

What friends I have, I’ve always found it incredibly hard to open up to them. Looking back, I realize most of my friends in high school never really knew me at all. Some of that was my fault, but some of it was that they never really tried to know me better. People I’d consider friends now, most of them never call me or invite me to anything. I feel more like my friends are just acquaintances sometimes. And I’ve found friends who I thought I was close to that never considered me as close a friend as I did them. Some friends I’ve not heard back from in a long time. Some people who I thought were friends turned out not to be at all. There’s very little intimacy with friends.

I don’t belong to a church family. I thought I did, but I was proven wrong. I went to my church for help and was turned away. I was neglected. My problems weren’t worth the effort, concern, prayers, love. I quit going to church for three months this last fall and not a single person ever once checked up on me to see how I was doing or to find out where I’d been. It’s been several weeks now since I’ve gone, and again, no response. Now, this is a church I’ve gone to my entire life. It’s like they don’t even care about me enough to find out where I’ve been or what has happened to me. There’s no intimacy at church.

I want so much to feel loved by God and to feel his presence with me. Not just some of the time, but all of the time. I’d love to feel God’s arms around me and to hear him say, “I love you, Brandon.” But so much of the time I can’t help wondering whether God’s abandoned me or what. I get so discouraged. I feel as though I can’t trust him or rely on him. I don’t understand God a lot of times and I just get so frustrated not knowing what he wants from me. I’m just not sure what my role is in my relationship with him. And because of that, it’s hard for me to feel like I can be intimate with God sometimes.

Where have I found intimacy then? More times than not, it has been by looking at pornography and living in a fantasy world. And what good has that done me?

A few days ago I was looking at pornography and I came across one particular model who I decided to follow. In a “behind the scenes” moment, the guy who he’d just been with was saying he was glad he’d hurt him during their sex act. I watched the model’s face literally transform the minute the other guy said this. He gained a sort of disappointed, empty look which could only say, “Oh, so that was the only reason you had sex with me. You just wanted to hurt me.” I literally felt like I was going to throw up when I watched that. And you know that’s the thing about pornography: the more you see it and let it consume you, and the more you begin to see or understand the behind the scenes processes of it all, the more you realize just how sad and tragic that whole industry really is. It’s pathetic, really.

But I struggle with pornography. I have for several years now. Sometimes I struggle less and can stay away from it for long periods of time, and other times I can hardly keep myself from it. I know the reason I keep going back to it though is because so much of the time I feel no source of intimacy. When I look at pornography, I can place myself within that act. I feel an odd sort of comfort and closeness to the men I see, almost as if I’m right there with them. I feel them holding me, looking into my eyes, telling me they love me. It’s strange really. I guess you could say that when I look at pornography I steal those other men’s counterfeit intimacy for myself. I see what I’d like for myself. And it’s not really the sex, but just the closeness. Having said that, however, I can’t help feeling sometimes like I have had sex with hundreds of other men. To feel the way I do while looking at pornography, that sort of makes sense.

The truth is my heart aches for them though. As dirty as I feel after watching pornography, I can’t imagine how dirty some of the models must feel after they’ve been filmed. I want so badly to be able to reach out to them, to be friends with them, and to show them there’s something better in life. I did contact a male model one time on Facebook, awhile back. He never wrote back to me, but to my knowledge he’s never been in any pornography since then. I really don’t know if that had anything to do with my writing to him or not, but I hope it did. It would thrill me to no end to find out he completely left that life behind and found Christ.

But I’d just like to know them. I find it so frustrating so much of the time that the only gay persons I ever get to see are ones online or on television or movies. The only people who ever seem to understand me at all are those who also struggle with homosexuality. You know, it used to puzzle me how gays in cities would form whole communities for themselves. Anymore, it makes perfect sense. When they do that, they get to be around those who understand them, to build friendships, family, intimacy. They find, at least to some small extent, the closeness they’ve been missing from others in their lives. And for a great many of them, that includes from the churches that turned them away.

I want to find intimacy through some other means than gay pornography. I don’t want to watch something fake. I don’t want to watch people hurting themselves. I don’t want to live my life in a fantasy, having sex with the shadows of other men. I want real intimacy (and I don’t mean sex). I don’t know how or where I’ll find it, but I know it can’t be found looking at pornography. Nor can it be found by having sex with other men.

May God forgive me for all the wasted time I’ve spent thinking it would.

The One True God

2009-02-17T22:12:00.006-06:00

Lately, I've felt sort of distanced from God. And I know that part of the problem is I've allowed other people and what they think to come between me and God. I've let some of the hurts other people have caused me to get in the way. I've let some of my expectations of things get in the way. I've let my emotions get in the way.

I heard this song the other day on K-Love and it's been on my mind ever since. And I can't help but think it was God's way of telling me to put aside everything else and come back to him. I'm trying, but I'm finding it really hard to do. There are a lot of hurts that need healing, and a lot of wrongs that need righting.

Please listen to this song. It's called One True God, by Mark Harris. I hope you enjoy and can find meaning from it as well.

There's only one true God. Focus on Him, because nothing else matters more. Everything else will just lead you astray.

Just A Little Update

2009-02-03T21:28:00.003-06:00

Okay, so I have a bunch of ideas I’ve been working on, but nothing that’s completed just yet. My next post should be a follow up to the one I did a few weeks ago titled Separation of Church and State. I’ve found there were a few things I wished I’d talked about in that one, but just wasn’t thinking about at the time.

I also wanted to point out that along with changing the look of my blog (I think this was the third time now that I've done that), which I hope everyone likes, I’ve added a poll on the right side of the page, just below the links section. I plan on asking different questions periodically, and based on responses I may incorporate results into possible future articles. The current question is “What do you think about gay marriage?” If you get a chance, please let me know what you think.

On a personal note, I’m in a weird place right now, so I’d like to ask for some prayers. I don’t feel bad, but I do feel rather frustrated about a lot of things going on. I kept wondering awhile back why God wouldn’t want two men to be together. I found an answer in that it’s not my place to understand. God is so much wiser than I could ever hope to be, so if he tells me it’s wrong, I’ll have to accept he knows best and leave it at that. That alone should be good enough.

On another matter, I realize I’ve not been doing my part concerning my relationship with God. Two things in particular I’ve known I shouldn’t be doing. Yet, I’ve been doing those things anyway. Okay, and yet I’ve wondered for some reason why I’ve felt distanced from God and confused about a few things. Well, that’s what happens when you push God away in order to do your own thing. I feel like I’ve done that. So, I’m in the process of working out with God how I can get back on the right track. I’m feeling rather certain a part of this process is going to require me going to a different church. There’s just been way too much friction there for me to be able to handle it all spiritually and continue going there. It’s just weighted me down much more than what’s good for me. So, please be praying for me about that.

Other than that, school’s great this semester, I’m enjoying the flurries of snow we keep getting—though I wish it would accumulate some, and a four year long family problem finally seems to be working out in everyone’s favor, which goes to show patience is a good thing.

Other than that, I hope everyone’s doing well, and I promise to post something a little better next go around. God bless.

Why This Christian Guy Won't Stand in the Way of Gay Marriage

2009-01-18T19:37:00.003-06:00

For several years now, people in the United States have debated about the rights of homosexuals to marry. Those of the Christian faith, at large, have typically disapproved on account of the biblical prohibitions of homosexual relationships as outlined in the book of Leviticus (Ch. 12, v. 13) in the Old Testament and by the Apostle Paul’s writings in the New Testament (1 Cor. 6:9). As a Christian, I disapprove of homosexual relationships, including gay marriages. However, unlike a great many of my fellow brothers and sisters in Christ, I believe it would be in our best interest to allow gay marriages in our country.

One thing we have to keep in mind is that, even though many Christian men founded our nation, we are not a Christian nation. Our founders were wise enough to create a nation with religious freedom, wherein the government cannot establish any one religion above another, or impose any set of religious beliefs on its citizens. That being the case, we are allowed to believe whatever we want to believe, and, unless an action causes some form of abuse to another, we are allowed to live our lives as we see fit.

In a secular world, some people do not believe homosexual relationships are wrong. If I were not a Christian, I would see very little wrong about homosexual relationships either. One of the arguments many homosexuals make in favor of gay marriage is that nobody is harmed by it. If two men (or two women) choose to unite themselves in a committed, loving relationship (marriage), how does that harm anyone? It is a personal decision between the two, just as it is with heterosexual couples, and would affect them alone. That being the case, why shouldn’t gay marriages be allowed in our country?

If the reason is that we’re concerned about our children being negatively influenced, well, perhaps we should do a better job influencing them ourselves. But from a Christian perspective, anyone who engages in sinful behaviors or a sinful lifestyle is harming themselves—they’re allowing the devil into their lives, separating themselves from God. So, as Christians, we are eager to prevent or stop people from living a life of sin. It’s been our mission to fight sin as best we can. But, I suggest our methods of doing so are sometimes flawed in the sense that we tend to impose our values, morals, and beliefs on others in an attempt to save them. But are we right to do this? I think not. We as Christians should never be trying to force our beliefs on others. Whenever we push our ideas like this we actually turn people away from us. In consequence we potentially turn them away from church, religion, God, and the very one who can save them for all eternity, Jesus Christ, as well. With that in mind, just because we as Christians believe homosexual relationships are wrong, that does not mean we should prevent others who do not believe they are wrong from deciding for themselves whether or not they should be in one. They should be allowed to make their own decisions on the matter and not have it made for them.

In his book Mere Christianity, C.S. Lewis suggests that there is more than one particular form of marriage already in this world. He suggests there are actually two—Christian/religious marriage and secular/worldly marriage. A Christian marriage, for example, would typically be described as one man and one woman united together in a committed, loving, monogamous, lifelong relationship. A secular marriage, however, can also be that, but can be a marriage of convenience, and far less than loving, monogamous, or lifelong. Today, we have many married people who do a lot of sinful things. People are entering into open marriages, committing adultery, and behaving far less than lovingly toward their spouses. Marriages in this country aren’t perfect, whether they’re secular or religious in nature.

The point is that heterosexual marriages are allowed in almost all of their various sinful forms in this country. That being the case, why not allow homosexual marriages as well? When we allow heterosexuals to enter into a secular, open marriage, but won’t allow two gay men to enter into a loving, committed, monogamous marriage, how is that exactly fair to them? When we say a secular heterosexual marriage is okay, but not a secular (or even religious in some cases) homosexual marriage, how is that right or balanced? If you shouldn’t force your religious beliefs on others and you can’t keep heterosexuals from engaging in various sinful, but lawful, behaviors, then how can you argue you can do that toward homosexuals and yet match equality between the two groups? You can’t. To do that shows a bias against that group. When you try to do that, you come across as singling out homosexuals out of hate, prejudice, or intolerance. And if that’s the impression you leave on a person, how then can you win them over to the Lord? You will only do that if you allow people to make their own choices in life. When a person has to face the consequences of their own actions and finds those consequences to be rather harsh or displeasing, you then have an opening for which to influence them to something better. That something better is Jesus Christ. When you allow people to make their own choices, and, even if you feel they are making wrong choices, still treat them with love, dignity, and kindness, you are in a far better position to then befriend them, speak the truth to them, and influence them toward Christ and away from sin. But when you try to force others into believing as you do, into believing, in this case, that homosexual marriage is wrong, all you do is turn away those very people who want to enter into such a union. And if you do that, your whole case for wanting to fight the allowance of gay marriage—in order to save them—is no longer valid. You can’t influence someone you’ve turned off. They won’t listen.

The real issue here is that if people want to engage in homosexual activity, they’re going to, regardless of what we have to say about it. Not everyone will always listen to us, or believe as we do. That being the case, we have to look at best results. Currently, there are gay and lesbian couples that aren’t allowed hospital privileges if their partner is hospitalized. Homosexual parents who have raised children from the moment they were born, have to face the reality that should their partner die, they may lose custody of the very children they’ve loved and helped raise. Should one partner in a long-term homosexual relationship die, the other may not always be able to claim any inheritance from their deceased partner, potentially crippling them financially. Neither of these instances would happen if we would recognize these relationships as legal or on an equal level with heterosexual relationships, at least on a secular playing field.

We don’t have to like this, but in our dislike, we should never do anything to intentionally make the lives of those we disagree with harder than they have to be. In our disapproval, we should never strive to add an extra burden onto the lives of gay and lesbian couples. When we as a society allow straight couples certain rights and privileges, but not homosexual couples, we add a very heavy burden onto them that is unnecessary to say the least.

So, can gay marriage coexist with straight marriage in our country? Yes, I believe it can. If we are truly free to believe as we see fit, then it has to be allowed. And if we are going to be fair, we have to recognize that by not allowing homosexuals to marry, we do cause them some very serious hardships that otherwise they’d not have to face. But is it okay to be a Christian and accept this? That depends. Did Christ make others lives easier or harder for them? Did he force his ways onto people? Did he have compassion for the lost, or contempt? Did he say, “You have to stop this” or “You can’t do that?” or did he simply speak the truth and allow people to make up their own minds whether to follow Him in obedience or not? As Christians, we will all have to decide on our own how to respond to this issue. Are we going to be compassionate, understanding, and loving, or are we going to be tyrannical and intolerant? Either way, we must realize, whether gay marriage is eventually allowed or not, that doesn’t prevent us from continuing to speak God’s truths. In the end, our real challenge is not how to prevent gay marriage, but how to show others there is something so much better than that.

Separation of Church and State

2008-12-24T12:02:00.002-06:00

Merry Christmas, everyone! I know this note doesn't exactly fit the Christmas theme or season, but it's something that's been on my mind for awhile now, which I've only recently had the time to write. I'll apologize up front for it's length, but I hope you'll all read this and respond. And again, have a very merry Christmas.

I've long believed that to attempt to separate church and state to it's fullest extent possible would be nothing short of a complete catastrophe. Just as having the church and state united to its fullest form has proven foolhardy whenever attempted in the past, so would having the two completely separated, as was the case, in part, with the communist Soviet Union. As many would guess, I am not in favor of the complete separation of church and state. However, I do agree with a great many liberals that there should and must be some degree of separation between the two.

When Rome fell, it was the church for which people turned to for authority and leadership. For a time, this was perhaps a very good thing. The church, being the embodiment of Christ, can do a lot of good when given such a good degree of power. However, the church being comprised of flawed and sinful human beings, despite its strong connections with Christ, can still do a great deal of evil when given unlimited powers. It does not take much to corrupt a man's actions when their actions are left unchecked and unquestioned. There has been a great deal of evil done throughout the course of mankind's existence in the name of God and Christ and goodness. I'll bring your attention to the Inquisition, which took place due to the authority given to the church. Many innocent people were not only tortured but murdered because of their rightly or wrongly believed beliefs against the church. To control its masses, the church provided fear to the people in order to retain their power over them. And their desire was to enforce Christian beliefs upon all peoples.

This is foolhardy. And this is why it is not good for the church to have total authority over the state. You see, the state itself is a secular institution. Whenever the two are united to become one, one may be improved, the other degraded, but both corrupted by their unity. Whatever people may hope to believe, the answer to an improved state is not for it to be governed or put in the hands of the church to control. That has been proven well not to work.

Having said this, I do not believe the two, church and state, can, nor ever should be, completely separated. For when that happens, the two can very easily become enemies. The state wanting to condemn the church for what it wants and the church wanting to condemn the state for its wants, neither working with the other for the good of their people. That is why the two should never be entirely divided. To eliminate all connections would be just as incomprehensible and as destructive as the other extreme.

In our modern times, as we foolishly call them so, we have been presented with this particular dilemma again. How far should the church and state be divided, and to what extreme measures should we take to achieve this? Some would argue that Christians have no place at all within the political sphere. Some would attest that any public acts of worship be completely forbidden. And still, some would insist we have only secularism, without any church or religion at all. Within our society, the extreme toward secularism is already proven its way forward. Just as the total control of the church has proven foolhardy, so has the total control of the state. I do not doubt we are heading in a very grim direction. For just as the church has tried to enforce its ways through acts of violence, so has and will a completely secular state try to enforce its ways upon those of faith (persecution). I personally believe it can be a very good thing when men and women of faith enter the world of politics. If they remain governed by their Christian values and morals then they should prove to be decent politicians who truly do good things for the people they represent. I will always vote in any election for the man whom I believe holds to these values and morals above anything else. That is the man or woman I will most likely trust to be honest, good, kind, and moral when in office. Now, though that is the person I would want in office, I would not expect that person to create or enforce laws, which would impose certain Christian beliefs upon others. It is not the business of the church to attempt forcing others to believe as it does. Being tyrannical never wins anyone over for the Lord. All that does is promote fear and hatred of the church, and in consequence, towards Christ.

This, I believe, is a moderate view. It is the view that people of faith should be allowed a part or place in the workings of the state, so long as they do not attempt, once allowed into that place, to force Christian beliefs onto other people. Influence should certainly be allowed, but enforcement, no.

One other reason for why I believe this way is because of what I already mentioned about enemies. When the two become completely divided, or separated, they naturally become inclined to distrust and dislike each other. If all people of faith are excluded from politics, then that naturally means all people of the secular state are excluded from the church, religion, or faith. Or, we will have no politicians and be governed by who knows whom. As Christians, we should not want this. As secular beings, we should not want the church excluded from the state either. Men of high morals will do far better than those with very little. Now this is not to suggest men of faith always act morally. Far too often they do not act morally at all. But this is just to suggest they are perhaps more likely to act moral. So, it is good for the two to be united to some extent. Not completely united, but not completed separated either.

What's more, if a Christian does enter into politics, to ask them, or to demand of them, not to consider their faith in making decisions is quite impossible and impractical. If a Christian man is elected to the office of the president, of course he should govern as the Christian man he is. He should not attempt to be something he is not just to prove separation of church and state. To separate a man in such a way is to make him two-faced, and able of doing very little good to satisfy anyone in such a state. I tend to believe to some extent our current president, George W. Bush, has at times faced this dilemma. He has had to decide whether he should be a Christian president or a secular one. Depending on the situation and the company around him, he has made his decisions, but in doing so, I believe he has obviously separated himself into two people. There is the Christian president who upholds most Christian values and morals, helping with AID's causes in Africa and implementing additional tax breaks for churches that provide a public service, and there is the secular president who seems to favor war to diplomacy and fights for measures which allow the rich to get richer and the poor poorer. Granted, speaking of President Bush, he has made his decisions of his own accord. No one has forced him to be the sort of president he has been. Influenced, perhaps, but not forced, I do not believe. But clearly, he is a president who at times has acted very Christlike, while at other times, very non-Christlike. His presidency proves many things though. One is that even a Christian man can do a bad job in office and do a lot of potentially immoral things while in that position. Two, he is a Christian who I believe has genuinely tried to follow his faith while in office. At times this has proven both wise and unwise. As a Christian, he has attempted at times to push his faith down others' throats. For instance, he has said on many occasions that he would support an amendment to the constitution banning gay marriage. Now, as a Christian, I am not in support of gay marriage. However, I strongly disagree that it is the governments place to tell two people how they should or should not live their lives in such a way. If two gay men, or two gay women, wish to be united in a secular marriage, it's their business to do so. And so, I believe this is one regard where the Christian President Bush has overstepped some. Three, President Bush, as a Christian, has given in to many secular demands. The call to war, for instance, could be an example of this. Likewise, his less than always truthful, or moral, means by which he got elected and then reelected as president are certainly in question here.

But let's say a man unwilling to compromise his Christian beliefs becomes president of the United States. Should he be asked to compromise? If he does not compromise, should he be forced out of office? Here is the conflict. How can a truly Christian man become the leader of a secular institution? For if he becomes its leader, will he have to compromise, ask others to compromise, or will he completely rule by tyranny to promote his ideals or beliefs onto others? Or, another possibility, will he do nothing?

A solution to this problem can be summed up by one phrase spoken by Jesus, which is, “Give unto Caesar what is Caesar's, and unto God what is God's”. In the realm of politics, I should think this would mean that a Christian man should do what he can through that office for the Lord, but likewise handle those secular issues as best he can without infringing on those of secular beliefs and without disregarding his own conscience. This was a solution brought forward by the famous World War I hero, Alvin C. York. When drafted to fight in war, he knew he'd be called to kill other human beings. Being a man of faith, a Christian, he believed killing people was a sin against the Lord. After several attempts for exemption as a conscientious objector, and being denied that request, he had no choice but to become a soldier. Before going to Europe, however, his superiors, knowing he'd objected to fighting in that war, confronted him about his decision. He explained his side of things and then they explained theirs. From their standpoint, fighting for the freedom, defense, and security of their nation and others made the killing okay (perhaps not okay, but justifiable). It was killing only in defense. York thought upon this and still struggled with his thoughts. His superiors sent him back home to think about his beliefs. If after a short time he still couldn't agree to fight, they would allow him to leave the army.

York went home and thought about what he should do. He believed in the defense of others and in securing freedom and his nations right to exist, but he also believed the Lord was against violence and against people killing others. He became very torn between serving his country and serving his God. In the end, he came upon the passage I referred to in the Bible, where Jesus is asked about paying taxes. The response from Jesus was for people to give unto their country, unto the secular institutions by which they were bound, those things that belonged to them, and to likewise give unto God the things that are God's. The answer was to do both. And so York went back to the army, fought as a Christian man in defense of others, and became perhaps the hero of World War I, capturing a great number of German soldiers and doing so almost completely by himself. Now, did he act as a Christian, or did he act secularly? The answer is, in a way, he did both. He had to act secularly to defend his and other's Christian way of life, which if not defended, may not have lasted. He defended and protected others against a grave threat, while simultaneously fighting for the country, the secular institution to which he belonged, and fighting to preserve the ways of God.

Concerning President Bush, had he followed this way of thinking, he'd have done the good for the Christians and those of faith which he has done, but would have ignored the gay marriage issue and other similar issues that serve more to restrict people who do not believe as he does or that divides us as Americans. He would have therefore done good for both Christian and secular, tearing neither one down above the other. There are things for which a Christian can do for both his God and his country without being immoral about either. Those are the things that should be fought for by the Christian politician.

I will agree that it is probably best for the Christian to remain out of politics altogether though. At least it might be best for him. Politics is a world of compromising. One may be able to do so to a certain extent and still be okay, but if tempted to overrule all previous Christian convictions while in office, they may very well be doing themselves a great deal of harm concerning their spiritual lives, and perhaps physical as well. If a Christian wishes to enter politics, it may very well be best that their political aspirations remain small and they fight only for a few good causes that work against no one, but only to the benefit of everyone.

But still, I do not see justified the claims of those who believe in a total separation of church and state. When they are separated completely, or united completed, no one is benefited. But when you have the two working together, side by side, keeping the other in check, that is when the greatest good comes about.

Battle In the Church

2008-12-06T21:32:00.004-06:00

Have any of you heard about the group of lesbians who invaded a church in Michigan shouting profanities and disrupting the service? It is absolutely incomprehensible and inexcusable what went on. I know people can get upset, but really, this is just an extreme that should be made an example of. Please read the story at http://www.worldnetdaily.com/?pageId=80743. I personally hope they arrested every one of them for public disturbance.

I just don't understand peoples anger sometimes. I've been rather furious before, but never to the extent that I would have so little disrespect for churchgoers (or any group) including children in such a fashion as this.

Let me tell you folks, if you want to win any sort of argument, this is by no means the way to do it. Acting as these lesbians did will only turn even more people against you. Use your brains. Not violence.

The one thing I do admire from this story is the response of the church members. To remain calm and not resort to violence or revenge of any sort was very admirable on their part.

But please read this story. I have a feeling it won't be the last time something like this will happen. Let us pray about that and hope that a right Christian response will always be given.

Where I'm At

2008-11-15T22:39:00.009-06:00

Well, I've not fallen off the face of the earth or anything. I figured everyone might like to know what I've been up to, and since I somehow managed to find an extra minute or two I decided to write something.

I've been consumed with schoolwork lately. It's absurd. I'm not even kidding. I've never in all my life had so much homework to have to do. I had to quit my job a couple of weeks ago just so I could get it all done. I've been spending every single day not in school just playing catch up with it all, and still just barely being able to finish everything I need to do. I've literally been a nervous wreck about this. I've just been in a constant state of panic that I won't be able to get everything done in time. The other day I was eating and noticed I couldn't stop shaking my hands. I realized I just couldn't get away from that feeling of panic. Due to that, I've intentionally tried to calm down the last couple of days by doing things to get my mind off of school.

I went last night to see the new James Bond film. In case any of you didn't know, I'm a Bond fanatic. I love those movies. I even love the books. I've read just about every one of them Fleming wrote--some of them twice, actually. Bond was even the inspiration for my first book, as a matter of fact. So, what did I think of the movie? It was pretty good, but there were things I disliked about it. It wasn't nearly as good as the last one. This one just had too many over-the-top action sequences in it and not enough story. I was especially disappointed that the gun barrel sequence was missing from the beginning again. It worked in the last film, but I didn't think they pulled its absence off very well in this one. They waited until the very end, where it just seemed sort of out of place. And then some of the things Bond did in the film just was not Bond-like at all. For instance, at one point he throws a deceased colleague into a garbage bin, robs him, and takes off leaving him there, proclaiming he didn't think the man would mind. I cringed watching that scene because it was nothing that Fleming's Bond would ever have done. He just wouldn't have dumped a friend in the garbage like that and took off. That's not cool! But overall the movie was good. I liked it. And I was glad to have finally been able to see it. I'd been waiting in anticipation for months now. Oh, and I guess I should apologize if I've ruined it for anyone just now. I might should have made the disclaimer previously.

On a few other points of interest, I was thoroughly disappointed on election night. I was not in support of Barrack Obama at all. I didn't cry by McCain's defeat though, because I personally thought he ran a fairly poor campaign, and the loss was pretty much expected. But, nevertheless, it was rather depressing. Of the two men, I really don't think either was any count, but I did feel like McCain would do a better job cleaning up some of the corruption in Washington and getting at least a hint of bipartisanship back into the system. I really don't know that Obama will be able to do that. I also liked McCain's plans for the housing market, which is something Obama opposed. But as I said, overall neither man impressed me. I was just voting for who seemed to me to be the lesser of two evils. I'll freely admit I may have been blindsided or prejudiced in my decision. I don't say prejudiced because of Obama's skin color--I could care less--but because I'm Republican. I wanted the elephant to win.

I was also disappointed by the Proposition 8 decision and the other similar ballot measures that passed. Now, I'm not a supporter of gay marriage per se, but I don't think the government has any right to legislate such a thing. For one, it shows a bias against homosexuals. I say that because the government will willingly recognize just about any form of heterosexual relationship, but the minute homosexuality is hinted at, it slams its fist down. And I'm rather bothered by the Christian response out of all this. Don't Christians know how their fighting gay marriages causes homosexuals to dislike and distance themselves from them? Allow people to live and let live. What harm does this really do anyone, but the ones who want it? And just how does any Christian think that opposing gay marriages will lead any gay person closer to Christ? All this does is reinforce the idea to homosexuals that Christians are the enemy. It turns homosexuals away from them. And, really, who could blame them? So, why not allow gay marriages? Why not allow homosexuals to have what they want? It doesn't mean you have to stop trying to reach out to them to win them for Christ. It just means you're not going to be in their face every waking moment of the day, dictating how they are to live their lives. Now, just to make clear, I don't approve of gay marriages. I don't think that's in line with God's wishes. But I dislike the ban on gay marriages because I do think it's an injustice to peoples freedoms and personal beliefs. And I find it appalling to think of Christians trying to impose their religious and moral beliefs on others by helping pass legislation of this kind that serves no other purpose but that.

I'll say more on this subject later, so please don't jump to any wild conclusions just yet. There's much more I plan on saying soon about this.

So anyway, that's all for now. I will just ask that anyone interested please be praying for me. I've been so busy with school stuff that it's just been hard for me to find time for friends and family lately. I feel as though I've probably alienated some of them. I couldn't really help it. If I'd made more time for them I wouldn't have got my schoolwork done, so I hope they understand. Heck, the Bond movie was actually the first fun thing I've been able to do in weeks now, and thankfully I was able to include my dad and brother in that little outing. But because of all this stuff I've just felt so alone these last couple of months. I just feel as if I don't have anyone, and it's really starting to get at me a bit. You can imagine what temptations this has brought on me. So, yeah, please be praying, for me and for my family. We could all use it right about now, I think.

God bless, and hopefully it won't take me so long to write again.

True Love

2008-10-03T21:39:00.003-05:00

I heard this song a few weeks back and fell in love with it.

The last few weeks I've struggled quite a lot with my own wall of struggles. I think my stress level quite literally has been through the roof lately--unmeasurable. The gray hairs just seem to keep getting to be more and more.

I'm reminded how much Jesus loves me though. And like this song says, Jesus can bring down all those walls we have in our lives, getting in our way and holding us back. He can make all wrongs right.

I just want to say I've appreciated so much the concerns and prayers some of you have sent my way. I've needed your prayers. They've helped and comforted me for sure.

I don't want to lose hope. I've tasted that and it's just not a good taste. There's a horrible bitterness to having a lack of hope--to despairing. This song helps me. I hope it'll help you too.

Back To School, And So Little Time

2008-09-18T23:08:00.001-05:00

Sorry folks it's been so long since I've written. I've had a bunch of things to write about, but I've found my time has become a precious commodity lately, and I just haven't had enough of it to blog.

So, what's taken up all my time? SCHOOL!!! That's right, I've been back in school this semester. I had dropped out of college a few years back, mostly because I was just so incredibly burned out, but also, and probably more importantly, because I was having some major doubts about what career I was aiming to go into. So, rather than spend the money for a degree I might not ever use, I decided to drop out and wait until I was sure about what I wanted to do. Four years later, I'm back at it again. Some of the doubts are still there, but I'm determined to finish school this time around and get that darn degree. I realize, even if I never use it, having it can never hurt me. Besides, maybe just getting back in school will help me move along and progress a little. I'd been feeling a little stuck the last couple of years, so maybe this will help. But getting back to the reason why I haven't been blogging much lately, I've been just absolutely swamped with homework. So, with work, school, and homework, my free time has become pretty limited. And I'll admit, I've been fairly exhausted the last few weeks. What free time I have managed to get, blogging just wasn't on my mind.

Okay, so the point of this post, besides telling you all what I've been up to, is to discuss some of my thoughts lately. Since getting back in school lust has become a much larger issue with me. Being on campus I find it almost impossible to keep my eyes from looking, and there is just way too much to be looking at. I forgot about how many good-looking guys there could be on a college campus.

I met this incredibly cute guy on the first day of classes. I thought I caught him looking at me a few times from across the room, and admittedly, I honestly couldn't keep my eyes off of him. And the following day of classes we ended up sitting next to each other and have ever since. He's just a really great guy. Well, up until a couple of class meetings back, I honestly thought he was interested in me. And I'll admit, I was developing a full-fledged crush on him. Then, he dropped the bomb. Not only is he happily heterosexual, but he has a girlfriend to boot. So, I was sort of stupidly crushed for a couple of days. I know this was foolish of me, but in a way, I don't think it was too very foolish either. I'm tired of feeling lonely—so sue me for wanting companionship! The way I see it, if we had gotten together... Well, I'm not sure what I'm saying. I just don't feel like it would have been that big a deal.

I don't think I care so much anymore. To be honest, I don't know what I believe anymore. I keep wondering why God would think it so wrong for two gay men to fall in love, want to spend all their lives together, and, yes, even express their love for each other through sexual means. The argument that's always weighed heaviest on me is that God didn't design us for such things. But I wonder why God would care so much if we simply found a way to enjoy His design in a way He may not have intended. For example, someone creates a product that is just absolutely wonderful, and later, someone else realizes a great new use for that product—one which the creator never really intended, but doesn't really cause any harm to anyone or anything in itself. Now, I wonder, what is so wrong with that? I sometimes seriously don't have an answer for that. So then I turn to the second reason why not to be in a homosexual relationship, which is faith in what the church calls sin as being accurate. The problem with that is that I know at times the church hasn't always been right about certain things. But I'm not sure what to believe. If I do end up finding a guy interested in me, I don't know if I'll act on that or not.

And now I wonder if perhaps I'm just so tired of the fight that I've given up on it. And if that is what's going on, then I realize I may not be where I need to be.

Getting back to school for a moment, I have felt a little overwhelmed. In a couple of my classes I feel so lost that it isn't even funny. And I find it absurd the way some teachers seem to think you can't be learning unless the process is as complicated and confusing as humanly possible. It's like nothing in college can ever be simple.

So anyhow, that's where I'm at. I'll do my best not to wait so long before writing again, but I suppose that'll depend on everything else going on. Hopefully things won't get too crazy.

The Afters - You

2008-08-18T21:24:00.003-05:00

The last few weeks I've been listening to a song by The Afters called You. It's such a peaceful, beautiful song about God and His greatness, and I've been able to relate to it's lyrics so much lately--about how I feel and the way I think about God. Thanks to Jay for helping me figure this out, I can now share the song with all of you from off of YouTube. I hope you enjoy.

Sentimental

2008-08-14T00:04:00.004-05:00

I may be giving myself away a little, but at this point I really don't care so much. I had to work late the other night and before leaving I decided to go for a little stroll around the dock where I work. The sun was just setting over the hillside and our customers had all turned in for the evening. The air was cool and soothing after the heat of the day. The water was perfectly still. The moon was shining bright across the water, and the stars were already coming out. I looked out onto the main body of the lake and suddenly felt lucky for having been assigned to work during this time. The beauty God had created all around me simply amazed me. Everything seemed so peaceful and calm, and I couldn't help but feel relaxed.

My mind soon began wandering, and I began thinking upon all the time I'd spent working there. I remembered all those tasks performed, all the coworkers who had come and gone, and all those good times and bad. It wasn't long until I began yearning for the past. I kept thinking about all those people who I'd worked with over the last few years. So many of them have gone on to other things, and I rarely see most of them anymore. In thinking about that, I remembered the guy I fell in love with a few years ago. I know there was no way I could have ever been with him—he wasn't/isn't gay. But I know I fell for him harder than anyone else I've ever known. He was a Christian, smart, funny, cute, kind, everything I ever looked for in another guy, and the more I was around him the more I loved him. I almost wanted to cry just thinking of him. I still see him from time to time, but it's far and few times between. When I do see him, it's not like it used to be. We're more along the line of acquaintances now than friends. I miss him. And I'll admit, I can't help but wonder sometimes what could have been had he felt the same about me. It's very likely that had he had feelings for me, I'd have gladly been his boyfriend. Who knows what different course that would have led me?

I don't just miss him though. I miss a lot of people. I've reached a point where I hate so very much having to say goodbye to people. I know from experience that once I do that, I'm very likely never or rarely to see that person again. Because of that, I hate having to say goodbye. I have that fear that when I do, I'll never see that person again. This is one of the main reasons why I've questioned my decision to become a teacher. You spend an entire year getting to know your students and then they move on in life while you stay put. It's a kind of sad profession in that sense. Not to say that it isn't extremely rewarding in other regards, but it's just that you lose people on a yearly basis who you've spent so much time with getting to know and love, and it hurts whenever you lose those you love—in whatever context that may be.

I think sometimes I must be the most sentimental person in the world. I have a great tendency to hold onto the past and long after it. I think back to good times and wish I could revisit them. I see a familiar spot alongside the road and just have to pull over. I think of people who have moved on in life and wish I could be around them again. I keep everything, because everything has a meaning and a story to it. I'm a real pack rat that way.

I know it's been hard for me to move forward in life because of that. I know my life could be a whole lot different in so many ways if I could just let go of the past. I know I let my past hold me back so much of the time. I may have found a better job, church, place to live, etc. by now if only I could have put aside the past and charged forward into the future.

Maybe there's fear there. Maybe I'm afraid of change. Maybe I'm afraid of the future. Maybe I'm afraid that what lies ahead won't be as good as what lies in the past or in the present. I think it's just that a lot of my past hasn't been what I'd call great. As a means of escaping real life, I've tended to lose myself in the thoughts of what were good times, and I long for those times and for what reminds me of them. I guess I just like the familiar and like to hold onto what's been dear to me. The places where I've lived, worked, went to school, church have all contributed to such a large part of who I am. My identity lies, in part, with these things and the people I've been around. To lose these things, I feel as if I lose a part of myself, or who I am.

I know I'm awfully sentimental this way. More than I should be. Sometimes it's just hard for me to shake my memories. And maybe in some ways that's actually a good thing more than a bad thing. I've learned it does help to think of the good times during the bad ones. There's hope in doing that. I just hope there'll be more good ones ahead.

I then began thinking about what job I may have five, ten, fifteen years from now. I wondered where I might be living. I wondered if I'd have a family of my own by then, or if I'd have completed writing what would hopefully be a bestseller novel, or accomplish any of the other hopes and dreams I've had. And as I looked out at the lake and thought again of God's beauty, I just felt His reassuring me not to worry, that there would indeed be plenty of good times ahead, new friends to make, and plenty of new memories to have and to hold onto.

I felt so at peace about that.

What Others Think

2008-08-08T16:07:00.004-05:00

Whenever you hate, the only person you hurt is yourself. Because the person you hate often doesn't know it, or if they do, they don't care.

I heard that from the movie Ghosts of Mississippi several years ago. It's something the late great civil rights leader Medgar Evers was supposed to have said, and something I've held onto and tried to apply to my life ever since hearing it.

I told that to my young friend from church the other night. He was telling me about how he had begun to feel about some of the people at our church. He knows deep down they are good, loving, people (and I agree), but that the way they have treated him is far from good or loving (also agree). And because of their response to him, he now worries about what others think about him and what they are saying about him behind his back. Because of that, he said he had begun holding a grudge toward some of them. That bothers him because these are people who prior to his coming out he really did admire, respect, and love, and whom he thought they felt the same about him. I told him to try to let go of those harsh feelings. That's a hard thing to do sometimes, but it's a worse thing to go around carrying those negative feelings inside you all the time. It simply weighs you down and wears you out. I also told him to try not to worry so much about what others think of him. What others think doesn't matter. It's what God thinks that counts. People will either love you or hate you, so you should just be yourself and not worry about what they think. But God loves us more than any of us could ever imagine. And He'll never stop loving us. The advice seemed to have helped him a little, but I could tell he was still bothered.

I wonder why so many people put such heavy burdens upon themselves. Why do we think so much about what others think? Why do we blame ourselves for things that are out of our control? Why do we overwork ourselves? Why do we worry so much? What good is any of it?

I know I have trouble with all of these things. I do worry too much about what others think of me. I try to be a good worker, a good son, a good brother, a good friend, a good student, a good Christian, and so on and so on. I want people to like me. I know it's unrealistic to expect that everyone should, and I know it's probably stupid of me to get upset when people don't like me, but it does bother me sometimes when they don't. Perhaps that's a little bit of pride on my part, but I think this is something common for most people. We all want to be well liked by others. I know of very few who'd admit to enjoying being hated. But as much as we'd like to be liked by others, we should care far more about how God thinks of us. God always loves us no matter what. He never stops loving us. And in everything we do, we shouldn't think about what our friends, family, or peers are going to think of us, but how God will think. The phrase “What would Jesus do?” I believe is a worthy saying to apply to all things. In all that we do, are we going to be more concerned with what everyone around us is going to think, or are we going to care more about what God will think?

Take Noah, for example. Noah was a Godly man who followed the Lord with all his heart while the society around him was falling into sin and moral decay, turning away from God. Rather than follow their ways, Noah chose to follow after the Lord. And when God told him a flood was coming and to build an ark, Noah obeyed. Now, the whole time Noah was building the ark, all those around him mocked him and made fun of him. “You're crazy,” they told him, and urged him to stop his work and to come join in on their sinning. But Noah resisted and remained true to the Lord. He cared more about what God thought and wanted than what everyone else around him thought. And in the end, that's what saved his life once the flood came and everyone else was killed.

We can all take comfort in that story. Whenever people put us down, abuse us, shut us out, or mistreat us in any way, we can always take comfort in knowing God loves us, and knowing that so long as we're living our lives His way, that's all that matters. If we're going to worry about anything, that's what we should worry about.

I see in my friend someone who can go on to do incredible things for the Lord. He wants to do good for others and he believes and understands Christianity in a way I only wish I could have when I was his age. I'm bothered that so many at our church can't see that at the moment and have turned away from him. I'm angered that they'd rather judge him and push him away instead of reach out to him with love and understanding to bring him even closer to the Lord. I mean, here is someone whose testimony could bring countless numbers of people closer to God and salvation. Why would anyone want to push someone like that away and not use him for such great purposes?

I'm gonna try not to hold a grudge against any of them myself. Like my friend, I don't want to think badly of these people. What good would that do me, or anyone else? All that sort of thinking ever does is tears me up inside, and causes me to do things I normally wouldn't do. I don't want to feel that way anymore.

I think putting trust in God is perhaps one of the hardest things for any of us to do. We can believe in God and have faith that can move mountains, but when it comes to making decisions, it's so easy for us to choose the worldly way over God's ways. But if we can trust Him, and do the things He wants us to do, and obey Him by not doing the things He doesn't want us to do, we can never go wrong. God will always deliver us and see us through any situation.

So I wonder sometimes why we so often put such heavy burdens upon ourselves. Why do we put ourselves through so much heartache and grief, worrying so much? Why do we lose hope and turn to other things that never bring us any happiness? Why are we so hard on ourselves when our lives don't go completely as planned? Why do we so often chase after the wind—such a meaningless pursuit—when following after Christ is our only true hope? Why do we care so much about what others think when we have a God that loves us each so very, very much, despite all our flaws and inabilities?

Whatever, I'm Tired of Feeling

2008-08-03T20:43:00.004-05:00

I try to be positive and to hide my pain, but in truth, I'm hurting. I've been hurting for a long time now, and in a certain way, I feel sort of numb. I don't feel good, but I try not to feel bad, so I just feel... whatever.

I'm not at all where I'd hoped to be at this stage of my life. I'm trying to get where I want to be—to get back on course—but just so much seems to be so wrong or so complicated. I don't even know where to begin, or if I even should. It just seems like for every step I take forward, I take two giant steps back.

Several of my hopes and dreams have went to the wayside. I don't have any hope for a family of my own anymore. That hope and that dream is practically gone completely. Being a realist, I just don't think it's a very realistic thing to expect anymore. It seems far too unlikely. Instead, I find myself wanting a boyfriend, and knowing I can't have one, and realizing that even if I did have one, I probably still wouldn't feel any better than I currently do. And it doesn't help me any to face the very real prospect that I may be alone the rest of my life.

I've been struggling with lust and pornography. It's like I can't see enough; like there's a longing within me that I just can't satisfy. And I know this has been brought on in large part due to my work environment. I can't escape seeing at least two or three good looking, near naked, guys each day. It's sort of inevitable. I see them and that longing builds within me. I look away but the feeling remains. I try to turn to Jesus but I feel ashamed, or guilty or whatever, and then I just feel lonely.

I've come to the conclusion I don't really want to be straight anymore. I don't want to be anything for that matter. If I could have things my way I wouldn't be attracted to anyone or have any feelings of sexual desire or arousal at all for anyone. It just seems like there would be a lot less headache if that were the case.

I've been so disappointed with my church lately. I've been heartbroken by the response given to my young friend who reached out for help there. He is gay and doesn't want to be. People who I've known my whole life have responded so terribly toward him. These are people who I've loved and cared about and who I've worshipped with for so many years now, and it's just torn me apart in my soul to see how they've responded. It's made me glad in one sense that I never have told more people than I have about my own struggles. I wonder if they'd treat me the same way if they knew.

There were so many things I wanted to help bring about at my church. I wanted to help create more programs, get more people involved, be able to reach out into the community more and bring people to God, but none of that seems to be happening. Maybe I'm being a little impatient. I feel like I'm constantly fighting against everyone else though. A lot of my ideas seem to be brushed off or ignored. I seriously wonder sometimes why I always feel so compelled to stay at this church. A lot of times I just feel like people are pretending to care about me. I get the feeling sometimes that if I just stopped going, I wouldn't be too sorely missed. That thought bothers me. I don't want to sound too down on my church though. There are a lot of good things happening there. I just get so frustrated so much of the time about certain things.

I've also been angry with a particular family problem lately. I won't get into the details of that too much here, but it involves my brother and his kids. Their mother doesn't want them, but my brother and family does and can't get them. Someone outside the family is getting them instead, and it just feels like these kids are being stolen away from us and by someone who rightfully shouldn't have a say in anything related to them. I feel so helpless to fix the turmoil this has caused my family. There's nothing I can do. I can't help the people I love. And this is crushing.

I'd hoped on being a published writer of something at least somewhat noteworthy by now. I have all these really good ideas, yet I never find time to write anymore. I'm too tired or too distracted to ever concentrate like I should. And what I have written hasn't amounted to anything. I couldn't even get members of my own family to read my book a few years ago. I find that dream is still alive, but the goal just seems to keep getting further and further away.

I'm gonna be going back to school, but I honestly don't know why. I really don't know what career I want to pursue. I think maybe I'm just going for the sake of going. Everyone expected me to finish school and get a degree. I think maybe I'm just trying to live up to expectations. I'd like to graduate from college. I just wish I was more certain about the purpose of my going. I'd like to think that what degree I get may be put to some use.

I feel like I can't trust anyone. Some of the people who I thought were my friends I've recently found out they've been working against me behind my back. Aside from that, I miss some of my other friends. I haven't heard from some of them in a while now. Maybe they've just been busy like me and haven't had time to write/visit/phone/whatever. And I wish I did have more free time myself for such things. I miss spending time with these friends. I haven't had much opportunity for that lately.

I just wish I could get some answers. I feel stressed and frustrated and so clueless about what I should be doing in my life or how to achieve some of the hopes and dreams I have, and it just seems like God isn't answering me. I want guidance, direction, some blueprint for how to get from this stage in my life to the next. I want hope. I want encouragement. I want somebody to just tell me to keep on hoping and to keep on believing that everything will work out as it should. That God will lead me to a better place. I wish someone would tell me they love me. I wish I could get some rest and be able to stop worrying.

I just wish things could be good for a while. I'm just so tired of all this. I know everyone must get so sick of my whining around. I'm sick of it myself. I'm just so sick of feeling this way.

Falling Forward

2008-07-24T10:43:00.002-05:00

I seem to be at somewhat of a turning point in my life. I've been out of school for several years now, but I'm about to be going back. I'd be lying if I said I wasn't nervous about this. I'm excited about it, because I have been wanting to go back, but I guess I'm nervous because it's a new school (I'd went to a different one previously) and I'm still not convinced that the degree I'm going back for is the one I want. As if that wasn't enough to cause me some doubts, I may also have to quit my job in order to go. All of my classes will be on Tuesdays and Thursdays. I know I'll be able to change my work schedule to be off on those days, but that also means I'll have to work the rest of the days of the week and will have no days off for at least two or three months this fall. I think I can probably handle this, but I know I'm usually at my weakest when tired. It's when I'm tired that I most often give into temptations. I'm not trying to be pessimistic or negative in my thinking, but prepared. So, I've sort of mixed feelings about getting back in school.

Another turning point may be a little more spiritual in nature. I've given a lot of thought about stepping aside from a few of the leadership roles I've had at my church. I'm not yet convinced about doing this, but it's just something that's been on my mind for a while now. I get so frustrated with working on certain matters alongside some of the people at my church. I've found that when there is a conflict, I have trouble separating that from what should be the true purposes of church. I let the conflict consume me more than I should and cause me to have harsh feelings for what truly are really good people. I guess I hold a grudge. Because of that, I've seriously considered stepping aside. I've thought a lot about what church should be about and what my focus should be while there. Lately, I don't think I've been thinking of church in the right way. I've been thinking too heavily upon some of the conflicts and blocking out true worship of Jesus Christ among fellow saints. I've been thinking too negatively about the church. And so I know I either need to step aside, or figure out some other way of putting aside those negative feelings. Either choice is a hard decision to make. I've struggled some with knowing what God wants me to do about this. I feel like if I stay in the leadership roles I'm in, I'll be able to make a positive difference for a lot of people, but struggle to keep my focus on Jesus. But if I do step aside, I feel like I might feel closer to Christ and those in my church, but that I won't be able to do as much for others. So, there's my dilemma. I'm not sure which decision would bring about the most good. I just know I can't stay in this current state.

The last few weeks I have struggled a great deal with anger. Not just anger, but stress and worry as well. I've been bothered by things at church, at home, at work, and it's just all sort of overwhelmed me. I feel like there's no refuge or place I can get away. A friend at work recently told me that I'm one of those people who just bottles everything up and then finally explodes and goes off on everyone. I can see that in myself. I do tend to bottle up my emotions a great deal of the time. It's hard for me to let others know how I'm thinking or feeling. This blog has been an exercise for me in overcoming that. But I do tend to hold onto my emotions a great deal more than I should sometimes. I get frustrated with people who make dumb decisions and won't listen to any reasoning, and it angers me when their wrong decisions effect me in some negative consequence, or effects others in the same way. I find it so hard to give these sorts of feelings over to God, or to express them in healthy ways. When I get angry or frustrated or stressed, I tend to find myself not caring so much about what sins I commit. I begin to distance myself from God and others. I begin cussing like a sailor, which is something I really detest. I can't stand hearing that sort of talk from others, and it kills me how often I tend to just blurt out one of those little four-letter words without even thinking about it. I cringe practically every time I do. And I find myself giving into so many other things as well. It's just that I have a hard time working through my emotions. That's something I'm certainly going to be working more on. But in working through these things I'm hoping to improve my spiritual life some. I don't want to be holding any grudges and distancing myself from the church and those in it.

So, in short, I guess I could say that life is tough and sad and exciting and joyous and all the rest. I don't imagine that's a surprise to anyone reading. There are ups and downs to everything in this life. I guess the trick is to keep falling forward and to always place trust in God. I'm sure if I let Him, He'll lead me exactly where I'm supposed to go, and everything will work out as it should.