tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6319921527453210584.post7165535346936434997..comments2023-05-26T07:41:53.109-05:00Comments on Afterthoughts On A Whirlwind Journey: Back To School, And So Little TimeUnknownnoreply@blogger.comBlogger15125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6319921527453210584.post-64119430796757118582008-12-09T00:16:00.000-06:002008-12-09T00:16:00.000-06:00Dan,I'm glad you stopped by. Thank you for what y...Dan,<BR/><BR/>I'm glad you stopped by. Thank you for what you said. I appreciate the empathy. And the words of wisdom.<BR/><BR/>To be honest with you, I really don't know what I'll end up doing. Part of me says that under no circumstances should I ever be with another man. Another part of me says it'd be okay if it happened in love.<BR/><BR/>I know so many people have told me their stories and how they couldn't find happiness being with another man. I think the problem I'm having is that I'm not happy now. I've tried very very hard to follow God and not give into anything and build a relationship with him, and at times that's brought me a tremendous amount of happiness. But it's like there's always this void. Like something is missing or not right. Everyone keeps telling me that God will take care of that, but He never does. And it just makes me wonder sometimes if maybe God is telling me something by this. And then that just gets me all confused and I don't know what to do.<BR/><BR/>I just don't want to spend the rest of my life alone. The thought of that terrifies me sometimes. I just don't see any possibility of me ever being with a woman. And if I can't be with a man, then that leaves no one. Friends can only be around so much. You can't really carry on actual conversations with God (though that's not to say God doesn't speak in certain ways).<BR/><BR/>I'm just whining now, I know. More than likely I won't end up being with another man. I guess I could just say that I'm not happy about it. I want someone else I can share my life with.<BR/><BR/>Anyway, thank you again for what you said. I really do appreciate it. I know God can use me and anyone through their pain. Knowing that does bring hope.<BR/><BR/>God bless.Brendonhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/18248268499428066786noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6319921527453210584.post-42895527534820293162008-12-08T19:09:00.000-06:002008-12-08T19:09:00.000-06:00Hi Brandon,I'm just stopping through as I make my ...Hi Brandon,<BR/><BR/>I'm just stopping through as I make my way through the blogosphere, and I stumbled on a comment of yours from another blog, and decided to check out your blog. I just want you to know that I can empathize exactly with what you were feeling when you wrote this post--I've been there many, many times in my struggle with SSA. <BR/><BR/>I could especially relate with this comment: "I want someone physically here with me who loves me and who I can love in the same way as Jesus loves--someone I'd do anything for and who'd do anything for me. And I know emotional feelings of love are different from what I guess you could call real love. I'm just so tired of being alone and not having anybody. Really, I could care less about having sex. I just want the relationship--to feel close like that to someone... I've never known that."<BR/><BR/>How that echoes how I've felt for most of my life! Here's the thing: though I am not advocating it, you may find that you need to find out for yourself if having someone to love, in a physical, tangible way, fulfills your needs and desires that you feel so strongly. It may be what you will choose to do. I will pray that you don't, but if you do, then God's grace will cover that. What I encourage you to do is to listen to the stories of those who have lived this life you are leading, who have lived for a long, long time and who have already discovered that the arms of another are never fulfilling. As St. Augustine says, "Our hearts are restless until they rest in Thee." I was celibate for 32 years, and finally had a one night stand. I hated how it made me feel, and so then I decided to have a boyfriend, someone to care for, where the love and sex meant something, and the sex took a long time to engage in. I found that it was empty too. I'm a very lonely man, but I have learned to turn that loneliness towards Christ. Thomas Merton wrote a very powerful book called, "Thoughts in Solitude." In it he talks about times of loneliness as being those times when God desires to walk with us like He walked with the Israelites in the desert. He writes that God viewed those times as idyllic times where He could be alone with His chosen people, yet the Israelites of course viewed it as a hardship to be endured. Lean on your Heavenly Father in your pain, lean on the arms of Christ, and though it is not earthly comfort, it is the only comfort that truly brings everlasting peace. <BR/><BR/>And as to being tired of fighting--that's exactly where God wants us. When we realize that we can't do anything without Christ, when we call out to Him in our very moment of darkest need, that is when He most longs to enter into our lives. Cry out to Him and tell Him you're tired of fighting, and if there's any fighting left to be done, it's got to be Him that does the fighting. That's what grace is all about!<BR/><BR/>Hang in there brother...there are many of us walking the same journey, a journey filled with a unique pain that I have come to view as a blessing, for it has allowed me to lean on God and know God in ways that those who don't struggle as we do can never understand or experience. There can be joy, even in the pain, Brandon. And what I encourage you to do is something that I've found very powerful: in moments of pain, follow Christ's example and offer it up as a sacrifice to be used by God in someone else's life. This is what I think Romans 12:1 is all about: "Therefore, I urge you, brothers, in view of God's mercy, to offer your bodies as living sacrifices, holy and pleasing to God—this is your spiritual act of worship." Being a "living sacrifice" is our spiritual act of worship. The pain we feel, and the loneliness we feel can be transformed through the grace of God into an act of worship, and something offered to God on behalf of those we love.<BR/><BR/>God be with you! I've come to believe that we who struggle with SSA are uniquely gifted to do the work of the Kingdom that no others can do who do not know our pain. God desires to use our pain, on behalf of the rest of the world, and to transform more into His image. It's a strange thing, but I wouldn't rewrite my story now to write away my SSA, or to write a life where I decided to turn my back on God and fulfill my desires and live as an openly gay man. I would be cheating myself from so much God has in store for me that I would rather choose the pain of earthly loneliness, because it has caused me to draw close to the very fount of eternal Joy that I would never have done if I didn't feel that very earthly loneliness.<BR/><BR/>God bless you in your struggle.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6319921527453210584.post-83861899129394510132008-10-03T21:28:00.000-05:002008-10-03T21:28:00.000-05:00Thanks for reminding me of HALT, Karen. I think i...Thanks for reminding me of HALT, Karen. I think it's safe of me to say I've been all those things lately--hungry, angry/anxious, lonely, and definitely tired. And thanks for understanding. I AM working on new and hopefully better ways of relieving some of the stress.<BR/><BR/>Thanks to everyone else for your comments and concerns as well. Jenny, I appreciate your prayers. They're helping.Brendonhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/18248268499428066786noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6319921527453210584.post-82364478107941706522008-10-01T18:55:00.000-05:002008-10-01T18:55:00.000-05:00Hey Brandon,I can relate to your feelings. I have ...Hey Brandon,<BR/><BR/>I can relate to your feelings. I have had those times too. What you are feeling is normal considering that you just embarked on a big change in your life-going back to school. There are new anxieties and stress that come with that. Plus, new exposure to guys--as you mentioned.<BR/><BR/>Naturally you would be feeling more tempted right now given the circumstances. I am sure you have probably heard of HALT. That is we sometimes need to stop and get our bearing when we are Hungry, Angry/Anxious, Lonely, or Tired. These are the prominent triggers for temptation. And, you are experiencing some of them. So, its no wonder that you feel tired and want to give up and who cares anyway.<BR/><BR/>Sometimes it helps me to remember HALT and when I find my thinking straying off, I realize, oh yeah, this stressful thing is going on right now and what I am longing for is some security and encouragement etc.<BR/><BR/>Going back to school is a big deal. But, I am confident there are healthy ways to deal with the new stressors as well as the new visual stimuli.<BR/><BR/>And I just affirm what others have said about getting into healthy deep friendships. I know loneliness is one of my biggest triggers. Maybe there are some student clubs you could get involved with. Plus that new straight guy friend.<BR/><BR/>Hang in there Brandon. KarenAnonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6319921527453210584.post-50287769035801643312008-10-01T12:47:00.000-05:002008-10-01T12:47:00.000-05:00Brandon,I think MR has hit the nail on the head. ...Brandon,<BR/><BR/>I think MR has hit the nail on the head. For me, the best way to fight the loneliness and unfulfillment of SSA is with close non-romantic male friendships. As MR said, the best friendships are always with Christian men, and they do take work. I think it actually works best with a straight guy because I can let myself get close without any fear that it will develop into anything sexual or romantic. But to avoid emotional dependency issues, it also helps to have several close friends and not to rely on just one. It is normal for guys to have several guy friends.<BR/><BR/>Is feeling excluded the same thing as the feeling of "not being one of them" that I have known all too well? Somehow feeling different from other guys? That sounds like what you're describing. For me, this feeling subsided over time as I learned to relate to male friends. The trick is learning not to be too hard on yourself when healing is slower than you would like.<BR/><BR/>College can be a great place to meet other guys, especially if you have a good Christian group on campus. I hope you learn to overcome your loneliness and to experience deeper friendship the way God intended.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6319921527453210584.post-55226440112504576072008-09-29T01:02:00.000-05:002008-09-29T01:02:00.000-05:00"During those many days the king of Egypt died, an..."During those many days the king of Egypt died, and the people of Israel groaned because of their slavery and cried out for help. Their cry for rescue from slavery came up to God. And God heard their groaning, and God remembered his covenant with Abraham, with Isaac, and with Jacob. God saw the people of Israel - and God knew."<BR/><BR/>I love this line - "and God knew". He does know exactly how we feel. He cares for you, far more than you care for yourself, Brandon. If only you could see what He longs to give you. If only you could wait for his rescue.<BR/><BR/>Praying for you.jennypohttps://www.blogger.com/profile/08885906238155398438noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6319921527453210584.post-42148365315306058332008-09-28T18:01:00.000-05:002008-09-28T18:01:00.000-05:00Jennypo,You are right! Even a boyfriend could not ...Jennypo,<BR/><BR/>You are right! Even a boyfriend could not fill that need the way God does.<BR/><BR/>Brandon,<BR/><BR/>God has blessed me with Christian straight male friends that have done exactly what you described. They have put their arms around me and said "I love you" with strong emotion. They have gone out of their way to make me feel one of them. It is possible. Do not lose hope!<BR/><BR/>I should also say that I have never found this kind of friendship among non-Christian straight guys. Even among Christians, it still takes time for love and trust to build enough for that kind of friendship to form. Mostly I find friends like that when I am reaching out in love during a time they are in need.MRhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/16747154844168947527noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6319921527453210584.post-30960409761547575312008-09-27T01:03:00.000-05:002008-09-27T01:03:00.000-05:00It's true, Brandon - no friend is going to fill th...It's true, Brandon - no friend is going to fill that space. But though a boyfriend might fill it for a while, no human being can ever really be what we need them to be. Anything less than Him who is Love can give peace, joy, satisfaction only for a time, and then hurt in deeper measure, because all that is not Love is ultimately destructive. And what masquerades as love is deceitful - it will come back to bite us in the end. You may think that you don't care now, but if you refuse Love, you may find yourself trapped and unable to reach for Him when you do care.<BR/>If He seems cruel to have placed you in this situation, remember that he took that place too. He had no one who understood him. In his hour of agony, his friends all slept. And in his supreme suffering, he was abandoned even by his God - but we have never been forsaken by God. Friends and family may let us down, but our God is always near.<BR/>He has a plan for you, Brandon. He made you, and he has allowed pain to come to you, but his plan for you is Good. Remember, he never leaves us struggling indefinitely - the time is always measured. He is merciful. His heart is a father's heart.jennypohttps://www.blogger.com/profile/08885906238155398438noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6319921527453210584.post-3547020097921933922008-09-27T00:46:00.000-05:002008-09-27T00:46:00.000-05:00That's true, MR. But no straight guys I've known ...That's true, MR. But no straight guys I've known have ever put their arm around me and told me they loved me. None ever have. And maybe that sounds rather love sick of me, but maybe I am. Yeah, I can be friends. But that's not the same. I never feel close to any of them. I always feel exluded from the club, so to speak, like I don't belong.Brendonhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/18248268499428066786noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6319921527453210584.post-60565756348586133562008-09-26T19:15:00.000-05:002008-09-26T19:15:00.000-05:00Brandon,About that guy in your class with the girl...Brandon,<BR/><BR/>About that guy in your class with the girlfriend, is there any reason you can't be "just friends" with a guy like that? If companionship, not sex, is what you are after, there are lots of straight guys you can have that with!<BR/><BR/>My most helpful and enjoyable friendships have been with straight guys who know that I struggle with attraction to other guys. Please don't think that having a boyfriend is the only way out of loneliness, it's not!MRhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/16747154844168947527noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6319921527453210584.post-21463342614766217492008-09-24T20:08:00.000-05:002008-09-24T20:08:00.000-05:00Thanks, Jenny.Thanks, Jenny.Brendonhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/18248268499428066786noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6319921527453210584.post-63990900867138980112008-09-24T00:30:00.000-05:002008-09-24T00:30:00.000-05:00Never Alone (Barlow Girl)I waited for you todayBut...Never Alone (Barlow Girl)<BR/><BR/>I waited for you today<BR/>But you didn’t show<BR/>No no no<BR/>I needed You today<BR/>So where did You go?<BR/>You told me to call<BR/>Said You’d be there<BR/>And though I haven’t seen You<BR/>Are You still there?<BR/><BR/>[Chorus:]<BR/>I cried out with no reply<BR/>And I can’t feel You by my side<BR/>So I’ll hold tight to what I know<BR/>You’re here and I”m never alone<BR/><BR/>And though I cannot see You<BR/>And I can’t explain why<BR/>Such a deep, deep reassurance<BR/>You’ve placed in my life<BR/><BR/>We cannot separate<BR/>‘Cause You’re part of me<BR/>And though You’re invisible<BR/>I’ll trust the unseen<BR/><BR/>We cannot separate<BR/>You’re part of me<BR/>And though You’re invisible<BR/>I’ll trust the unseen.<BR/><BR/>Brandon, heard this song and thought of you. I've believed that lie before, too - that whine in the wind - "You're alone, alone, alone..." The truth is, we are never alone. Jesus is a real human being - still has a body that can eat fish and bread and honey, and knows exactly what it feels like to be cut off and misunderstood. Don't give the Enemy of souls any more room to discourage you with his lies. Read God's word of truth - whether or not your feelings throw a temper tantrum. You are never alone, and neither am I.jennypohttps://www.blogger.com/profile/08885906238155398438noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6319921527453210584.post-11679275530114894292008-09-19T22:11:00.000-05:002008-09-19T22:11:00.000-05:00Rik,I think sometimes about how Jesus loves me. T...Rik,<BR/><BR/>I think sometimes about how Jesus loves me. The man died for me, and accepted something upon himself which I couldn't even imagine. I know that obeying him should be the most important thing in my life. But I get doubts sometimes about certain things. I wonder why two men should not love each other romanticly, especially if that love is just between them (I mean that no ones cheating on anyone else or doing anything like that).<BR/><BR/>I want someone physically here with me who loves me and who I can love in the same way as Jesus loves--someone I'd do anything for and who'd do anything for me. And I know emotional feelings of love are different from what I guess you could call real love. I'm just so tired of being alone and not having anybody. Really, I could care less about having sex. I just want the relationship--to feel close like that to someone... I've never known that.<BR/><BR/>One of my gay friends who lives in Maryland, I wish I could be with him. I really do love him. And it's not about looks or anything like that. I just love his company and who he is. And I feel so drawn to him, but I know I can't be with him. I'm just so tired of having these mixed sort of feelings. I'm tired of wanting someone and wanting to be loved, and feeling like I'm not allowed to love or be loved by anyone.<BR/><BR/>I know lately I've just been really, really tired. I have no doubt that that's just sort of weakened me in my thoughts about all this. I just don't feel like fighting anymore. That doesn't mean I've stopped though, just that I'm getting awfully weary of it all.<BR/><BR/>I love you too, Rik (likewise, not romanticly). :)<BR/><BR/>Jennypo, thanks for the advice. It's always welcomed. I do realize God has a right to ask of us anything He wants. I'm just not so sure sometimes what He wants. Maybe I should spend more time with Him in prayer about this. Thanks also for suggesting that post.Brendonhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/18248268499428066786noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6319921527453210584.post-14311166866088134562008-09-19T08:22:00.000-05:002008-09-19T08:22:00.000-05:00Brandon,You say, "I keep wondering why God would t...Brandon,<BR/><BR/>You say, "I keep wondering why God would think it so wrong for two gay men to fall in love..."<BR/><BR/>Why not also say, "I keep wondering why God would think it so wrong for married people to fall in love with someone else's spouse..."<BR/><BR/>Or, "I keep wondering why God would think it so wrong for an adult male to fall in love with a 5 year old..."<BR/><BR/>The phrase "fall in love" is associating "love" with purely romantic notions, which can be good in a Biblical relationship. But even there, they can come and go with the moods of the individuals. So many divorces happen because people base the bond of their relationship purely on a notion of whether or not they are "in love" (defined by their feelings) so that once that intense emotion cools they see it as a justification for divorce, "We're not 'in love' anymore." <BR/><BR/>Having strong romantic feelings and sexual attractions should not be thought of as what defines "love" but rather love entails obeying God and self-sacrifice. After all, God loved us so much that He sent His Son to die for us. (John 3:16) This does not mean that He had romantic feelings for us.<BR/><BR/>I understand how you FEEL. I feel that way too! But it is Scripture, not my feelings, that determine my actions and I constantly seek to renew my thinking so that it comes more in line with what Scripture teaches about love.<BR/><BR/>Love ya man!*<BR/><BR/>Rik<BR/><BR/>* NOT romantically!Erikhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/01618960202550806181noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6319921527453210584.post-46080419424818017722008-09-19T02:04:00.000-05:002008-09-19T02:04:00.000-05:00Hi Brandon, I don't want to jump in and tell you w...Hi Brandon, <BR/><BR/>I don't want to jump in and tell you what to do, because ultimately, that decision has to be yours, but if you are really unsure if God cares who you sleep with, then you could ask him to make it clear.<BR/> <BR/>Ultimately, the whole thing really isn't about sexuality - it's about who God is and what he has a right to ask. And it's no simple thing he asks of any of us - but hear me when I say that he is ALWAYS worth it. No joy, no happiness you can scrounge from this life comes anywhere close to God himself.<BR/><BR/>Thought you might like this post:<BR/>http://pursuegod.wordpress.com/2007/10/09/male-and-female-does-it-matter/jennypohttps://www.blogger.com/profile/08885906238155398438noreply@blogger.com