One thing I should have emphasized more in my last post is my fear of the future. I can be hopeful and wish for the best, but with the future comes a great deal of uncertainty. I hate making plans and counting on things to be a certain way just for those plans and expectations to be altered. Granted, this can be a good thing, and I do try to look at such changes in that light. But, still, I hate for my plans to be changed by random uncertainties. On top of that, I do often doubt my resolve, abilities, and decisions. I like writing, for example, and would love to get a book published someday that would get some attention, but I doubt my own writing skills and abilities to be able to pull that off. And I do second guess myself a great deal of the time as well—I’ve been told I need a bit more self-confidence, and in this I’m sure others have been correct in telling me so. Regardless of the reasons for my fear of the future though, it will suffice to say simply that I do sometimes have that fear.
I really do just wish I could freeze time or go back and relive certain moments though. I feel like the minutes of the clock just keep ticking by and the next thing I know I’ve wasted a whole day or not been able to do everything I wanted to do. And then I dread tomorrow (enough so at times that I’ve honestly just not wanted to go to sleep at night, as if there’s a fear that each day will be my last and I won’t get any more time).
As I said before, I’ve been feeling nostalgic, which is usually a feeling that gets me nowhere; it’s only about looking back. I wish I could go back to my middle school days. I really loved that time in my life, that time between sixth and eighth grades. I had several friends, loved my teachers/school, was doing well in school, actually got along with my parents, and everything just seemed so much easier and less complicated. I miss past summers. I wish I could relive this time last year. I was reading through the Harry Potter books for the first time, and as stupid as it may sound, that was a blessing and a truly uplifting experience for me. I stand in awe of what J.K. Rowling has created in the Harry Potter series—it leaves me without words really. And I wish for certain other things as well.
I guess the point of this post is just to say that I wish I had more time. I never feel like I can get enough stuff done that I’d like to. That and I do hold onto the past too much and fear the unknown. I see that and understand it, and I know it’s something I shouldn’t do so much. I’m going to try to work on those things.
In the meantime, I hear the clock a ticking…