God, my eyes weap,
and my soul cries out for you.
I feel so far away from you,
and yet I long to be so close.
All joy in my life has left me.
I've lost all sense of direction.
I do not know what I should do.
I long for your guidance, Lord.
I long for your warm embrace,
and for your everlasting love to fill my empty soul.
I wish for your strength.
I need your help now more than ever,
for the the devil is pulling at me fiercely.
He is relentless at tormenting me.
I know my sorrow can only be taken away by you.
My salvation depends wholly on you.
It is in you that I place my trust and my faith.
Though I am weak, it is you that makes me strong.
Lord, I need you.
Please do not turn your back on me.
Please remain patient with me.
For it is you that I wish to please and to make happy.
Father, please just show me the way.
Please love me.
This is one of about five psalms I wrote to the Lord back last winter. I had forgot about writing it, but when I came across it, I felt like some of you may take some comfort by it. I've always liked the psalms of the Bible, and I always manage to find some encouragement and comfort by them. I believe it was my preacher who suggested back last year that we begin writing our own psalms to the Lord, and it helped me to do this. It made me focus on my emotions towards God and what was going on in my life at the time. It helped me to cry out to God when I needed to.
The thing I take away from this plea is my lack of closeness to God. I remember feeling as though God was nowhere in sight. I felt so far away from Him, as though He'd just completely abandoned me. Wonder why? It couldn't have been because at the time I was looking up pornography all the time, was ready to accept my homosexuality, was lusting ferociously after other guys, had distanced myself from people at my church, and was feeling so darn sorry for myself that I'd become blinded to the needs of all others around me. One of the things I've been learning from the Door of Hope course from Setting Captives Free is that God can't have any part of sin. So, when we sin, He backs away from us. He allows us to wallow in the hell we've created for ourselves. When we give up our sins, He draws closer to us. When we return to Him, He returns to us. I've been trying desperately to give up my sins here lately, and I have felt God edging His way back into my life. The longer I've stayed away from certain things, the more of God's warm embrace I've been feeling. I feel His arm around my back, holding me, and guiding me in the right direction. I feel God walking alongside of me. I'm still not where I'd like to be, but I do believe I'm finally heading in the right direction.