Hello, Old Friends

Well, it's been nearly a year since I've written on this thing.  I always thought if I quit writing, I'd miss it too much.  The truth is, I've not really missed this blog at all.  If anything, I've felt rather conflicted about it, and wondered if it wouldn't be better for me to just bring it down and toss it into the trash heap of history.

A lot has happened in my life this last year.  I had my first boyfriend, lost him in about a month's time, lost contact with some others I really liked online, nearly lost my grandpa due to some health concerns, suffered a horrible job situation back in the summer, fell into a severe bout of depression, changed jobs, have found a lot of happiness with the new job, worried about everything and nothing, gained weight, lost weight, changed hairstyles, and so on and so on.

I got really tired of being online last year.  I felt hurt.  I'd found a great deal of help concerning my sexuality through online resources, particularly from those related to Exodus International and through other websites and blogs.  I didn't experience the horror stories that I've heard others express, but rather a listening ear, a comforting shoulder to lean on, an ability to express myself, and friendship that didn't exist before.  Whether the advice I was given was solid or not, I at the very least received love and care, which, to a young man who felt he had nowhere else to turn, welcomed it with open arms, and cannot say that it in any way ever hurt him.  I felt discouraged that the very things that helped me were being ridiculed and brought down, and in part from within.  Having had a year to think upon this, I'd advocate that the exgay community taking such a hit was, in my opinion, a good thing.  I don't think it matters in the least little bit whether a person is gay or straight, but whether or not they actually believe in and accept Jesus as their lord and savior.  I don't think the how or why regarding causation of homosexuality matters either.  If it is, it just is.  If you are attracted to other men, it is just a state of one's condition, no different than the sky being blue on cloudless day, it is simply reality.  To deny that reality, or attempt to change it for earthly reasons, is nothing short of foolish and ignorant at best.

I wish we lived in a world where being gay was not assumed to automatically put you at odds with the church, or Christianity.  Likewise, I wish more Christians did not automatically presume that all gays are against them, or believe that they should be against all gays.  I am gay.  I like other men.  I'm still not sure if to act on those feelings are right or wrong, but I do know that simply having them is not.  I do know that God loves me regardless.  I know that my faith is not dependent upon those feelings, or even any actions I might make upon them.  Hence, the conflict I have regarding this blog.  Can it help others to read of my experiences?  Can it be beneficial for others to see how ignorant I believe I was and yet how I have changed over time?  Have I anything left to say that could actually help others?  Perhaps, but I will admit that I am so tired of reading and thinking about faith and sexuality.  I have very little desire left in me to want to indulge in anyway conversations, arguments, or whatever else concerning such matters.  Maybe that in itself is some progress on my part--whether good or bad, I'm sure time will tell.

I'd be lying if I didn't say I feel ashamed of myself for some of my past beliefs.  I have argued and been wrong on many accounts.  I've been ignorant, proud, lazy, stubborn, quick to anger...  probably in other ways wrong as well.  And this blog gave me an outlet to express all those things.  How could I not feel conflicted about it?

I also got very tired of being online because of the nature of the relationship I had with my boyfriend.  He was wonderful, and I know I was in love with him, but we were never able to actually be together.  We met online and carried out what I would imagine to be a very intense online relationship for about a month, and then he was gone--all accounts deleted.  I have no idea what became of him, other than he wanted me to know that no matter what happened he loved me.  I spent many months pining away for him at the start of the year, wondering without answer what had happened.  Perhaps I'll never know.  Again, however, this was a hurt that quite literally just made me want for nothing at all related to the online world.  I'd found him online...  I didn't even want to check my email for awhile or even look at my computer.  To do so just hurt too much.

I am wrong sometimes to turn so inward and neglect all those around me, but there are times when I simply cannot bring myself to be around others.  I was so discouraged and depressed with some of the job situation I experienced a few months back that I couldn't bring myself to be around anyone.  If I was, I couldn't think of anything positive to say, and I'm sure I was far from the best of company anyway to those I did manage to be around.  In this situation, I can attest to the power of prayer though.  It's true that at our lowest we often turn most to God, and this is something I've done quite seriously.  God has answered my prayers for a better job, and led me to a place where I couldn't be any happier working at.  He has blessed me so richly the last couple of months that I have literally found myself speechless and amazed.  He's comforted me throughout all this last year time and again when I needed him the most.  He's proven Himself to me time and again.  It is for this acknowledgement that I am writing again on this blog.  If this blog serves any purpose whatsoever, I want it to be for the very least in order to attest to the power and greatness of God.  If anything, let my story be for that.  Not about whether I am/was gay or straight, or how any of those feelings came about, or what actions I might incorrectly or correctly have made, but that a young man held onto God and God was with Him, regardless of anything else.  Take comfort in knowing that.

In case I don't write again this year, I want to wish anyone reading this a very merry Christmas.  :)

Duck Dynasty (and Why This Country Needs Jesus)


Even though it has been on for a few seasons now, I didn't discover the show Duck Dynasty until sometime around this last spring.  I'd heard people talk about what a funny show it was, and tell me how much I ought to watch it.  But from the talk, I wasn't too awfully impressed; I just didn't think it would interest me any to see a bunch of southern rednecks and their shenanigans.

I wound up watching several episodes though as they came on after another show I was watching one night.  I decided to watch just to see what all the hoopla was about.

I can't remember which episode I watched first, but something that struck me was the ending.  The whole family gathered at a single table to eat, and said a prayer.  I remember feeling really warm and close to God in that moment.  And I loved seeing a REAL family come together like that and to offer thanks and praise to God.  That's just not something you'll find that much of on television these days.  But I liked it.  And the more episodes I watched, the more I liked the show, and the more I liked the Robertson family.

Since that time, I have continued to watch their show, and I have even read from some of their books.  They just recently put out a devotional book that is exceptionally good, if you are interested.  In all of it, though, I find God as a theme.  I see this family that has such a strong connection to God, who genuinely love God, and try to do right by Him.  I love seeing this.  And I know it has helped me in my own walk with God as well.

A few nights ago, my brother told me he'd come across a video of Phil Robertson (the patriarch of the family), preaching somewhere in California.  He showed me the video, and I was even further impressed.  Not at the man though, but by the fact that God could use someone like Phil Robertson to preach His word, and to do so much to help so many others.

I included that video above.  I'm not going to tell you what's in it.  I just want you to watch it.  He gives such a powerful sermon, and it seemed to me so completely relevant to our times/needs as a country.

I wonder if anyone would have ever guessed that a wild young boy, who gets married in his teens, drinks and rough houses for years, doesn't believe in God, treats his wife like crap, and neglects his children could have ever come so far in the Lord to become the man that he is today.  I like watching Duck Dynasty if for no other reason than to gain that reminder that through God, all things are possible.  Poor can become rich; atheists can become Godly, sinners can give up their sins, and so on.  What I like most, though, is seeing how a family can come together through anything, still in God, and still in love for each other.  Sorry to give it away, but that is pretty much how every episode ends.

I thank God for spreading His word through the Robertson family.  And I thank that family for being so willing to allow God to do so.

Change

Anyone who knows me well would probably say that I don’t handle change very well. I like getting into a routine and knowing what to expect. I feel a sort of comfort from this. That doesn’t mean, however, that I don’t enjoy a little spontaneity every once in a while or that I can’t recognize when change must happen, or that I’m completely against anything ever changing. It just means that I don’t tend to like life changing surprises, especially if I’m ill prepared for them, in disagreement of their effects, if it means I have to completely readjust or rethink my plans in life, or if I have to give up some greater level of control over my life.

Having said all of this, I will now say something that will sound completely contradictory. For quite some time now I have been earnestly trying to allow God to lead me in my life. I think if one is truly going to call Jesus the Lord of their life, then this must happen. Naturally, though, this means that I am not going to be the one planning a good part of my life, but rather having it planned and directed for me by God, and interjected by many, many possible changes—and God has certainly thrown me some curveballs to have to deal with.

When change is introduced in one’s life, it is easy to worry. I try not to worry though, desperately recognizing the truths that it cannot add even a second to my life and is nothing more than a chasing after the wind, meaningless. Keeping this in mind has certainly helped me to accept and look for the good in any changes that have taken place in my life though, and to not be so completely against them.

Something I’ve thought a lot about the last few weeks, considering the closing of Exodus International, is exactly what sort of help and/or change Exodus actually brought about in me. I believe I was genuinely helped by them, and because of their help, certain things have definitely changed in me. It was not help through reparative therapy, though, but by the hope of it, and mostly by their simply reaching out to me in kindness and understanding at a time when I really needed someone to.

I didn’t want to be gay. This thought dominated me from the first moment I realized I was attracted to other men. I thought my parents and other family members would reject me, I thought friends would reject me, and I thought God would reject me. I didn’t want to be rejected by anyone for this reason. I was though. And I did have a certain level of self-hatred because of it. I was different and I didn’t want to be. I felt inferior, like I was broken in comparison to other guys. All of this was because I was gay, and I thought that if I could just not be gay, everything would be better.

I prayed for God to change me, to help me, more times than I can even remember.

When I sought out help from Exodus, I literally had no place else I felt like I could turn to. I don’t exaggerate when I say that. They were the only refuge I could find to help me in any way regarding my struggles (and believe me, I tried). I felt like they understood me. They welcomed me. They told me I could change, but to focus first and foremost on my relationship with God.

I should clarify something here. I said “they” told me, but what I should have said more specifically was that my counselor, Paul, was the one mostly telling me this. He was one of only about a handful of contacts I ever made through Exodus, but was my primary contact above all others. Paul helped me the most. He listened, comforted me, gave solid Christian advice, encouraged me, and prayed for me—he is one of the kindest and Godliest men I have ever known, and there is nearly nothing I can think of by looking back that I can say he was wrong about. He just wanted to help, and I think he knew how much I needed it.

Even though Paul did believe it was possible for me to change my sexual orientation, he never pushed that. He always tried far more to encourage me to build my relationships with others, to develop and work on some goals in life, and to grow stronger in my faith (he looked beyond my sexual orientation). If anyone ever pushed orientation change, it was me. After all, I was the one who wanted it, and wrongfully thought that a lot of my life’s problems would go away if I could just change.

After many years of trying, I realized the change I wanted wasn’t happening. I admit that I got far too tired of trying, but more importantly, it no longer made sense to me to try. I no longer believed I should try. This isn’t to suggest, however, that certain positive changes weren’t taking place during that time though. They were. It’s just that my sexual orientation wasn’t one of them. And in some ways, I realize that this may be for the best.

I believe the world needs gay Christians—people who can help build a bridge between the church and individuals who have all too often felt completely excluded or pushed away from her. Having a foot in both worlds, I can certainly help to build that bridge. Furthermore, I recognize that trying to change my sexuality just isn’t worth my time when I think about all the greater things I could be doing with it; not just for myself, but for God and others as well. I’ve realized that in some ways, it is definitely better to simply accept my sexuality for what it is, rather than to focus so much time worrying about it. That, in itself, has been a tremendous change for me.

Looking back, I can say I have changed or developed many beliefs over the years, either entirely or in part. For one, I don’t think I care nearly so much about what others think or believe as I used to. And this is good because it means I can just be myself and not be so hurt by the action or inaction of others. Secondly, I’m not so quick to act upon the advice or thoughts of others without first doing a whole heap of thinking on my own. Keeping an open mind and being willing to listen to the thoughts and ideas of others certainly can go a long way. Thirdly, I have decided that at least some people in this world really are worth knowing and I should try harder to get to know them. Fourthly, I’ve realized that worrying gets me nowhere, even if I still find this a hard habit to break at times. Fifthly, I know God doesn’t hold anything against me for being gay, which is a huge load of relief. Sixthly, hope is incredibly important, but no less than faith and reason. Seventhly, it is good to be humble and to admit my weaknesses. Eighthly, not everybody is going to like me, but that doesn’t mean I shouldn’t still try to like and be nice to them. Ninthly, it’s good to have goals and dreams in life, just so long as I don’t forget to live a little in between the planning, working, and (hopeful) eventual achievement of said goals and dreams. Tenthly, it’s better to think positive and look for the good in every situation, and in every person, than to think the worst. And the most important is to hold onto God no matter what, trusting Him in all things. I say this because He’s the only person I’ve ever known to be with me completely through thick and thin. He has done so much for me. Without him, I’d be lost. I also say to trust Him in all things because only He can ever truly know what is best for us.

When I think of change, I recognize it as something that can be good or bad, expected or unexpected, wanted or unwanted, but something that does happen for each and every one of us. It is unavoidable. And we can either make the best of it, or the worst of it.

For many years, Exodus’ slogan was “change is possible”. I know many people never felt that they actually helped to change anything for them, but for me, they did. They may not have helped me to change my sexuality, but they were a part of many other changes, which have certainly done me and others a great deal of good. There is no doubt in my mind that God did in fact use them to help me as I’d pleaded so often for Him to do. And for that, I am eternally grateful.

With all of this in mind, I say to be hopeful, to trust God, to follow God, to look for the good in all things, and to try your best not to worry. And do not be troubled in whatever changes come your way.

This, at least, is what I am going to try my best to do.

Gabriel Tells It Like It Is

http://mudbloodcatholic.blogspot.com/2013/07/why-not-ex-gay-part-iii-if-its-broke.html

There’s “no bloody point”. That’s for sure. There is no reason in the world for anyone to feel bad about being gay. And there is absolutely no reason in the world to try changing your sexual orientation. Just let it be what it is, don’t worry about it, and don’t let it get you down.

Go back five or ten years ago and it would have been unthinkable for me to believe these things. But with many years under my belt, many years of trying to change my sexual orientation, and much knowledge gained throughout that time, I can say that this is absolutely true.

God may not have meant for anyone to be gay. I don’t know that. For all I know, maybe he did. But what I do know is that a person’s sexual orientation, or their sexual attractions, does not matter in the least little bit. It’s what you do with those attractions that can make a difference.

If you believe homosexual sexual experiences are sinful, in conjunction with traditional Christian thought and teaching, then you should abstain from them, lest you be in sin. If you do not believe they are sinful, contrary to traditional Christian thought and teaching, then let your conscience be your guide (that means that maybe you are sinning, but that depends on what is undeniable truth, something that none of us might ever know beyond any shadow of a doubt in this lifetime, and which could go either way according to our understanding of the truth and upon how we are judged).

I have reasons to believe homosexual sexual experiences are sinful and reasons to believe that they are not. I’m not one-hundred percent sure what is the truth. Certain things, I believe, may not be entirely accurate or as well thought through as they should have been concerning traditional teachings. However, certain other things concerning traditional teachings do hold some weight for me. I can see how perhaps God did not intend for anyone to be gay (at least in the beginning) and how there is an element to heterosexual sexual experiences (through marriage) being of a greater design, at least in regards to being able to produce something totally new through the union of such a couple. However, I can also see how certain authors of the bible and others throughout Christian past might have based their beliefs against homosexuality on certain untruths—probably unintentionally, but perhaps also out of certain cultural biases or misunderstandings at the time in which they lived. I can also see how biblical teaching may have been misunderstood throughout the years through varying translations and the like of the original texts.

Something I’ve learned is that throughout Christianity, there are people (both gay and straight) who have believed differently on this matter. Some people believe traditional teaching is truth, therefore making homosexual experiences sinful, while others believe traditional teaching is wrong, making homosexual experiences okay. Perhaps anything anyone can ever really do to know which stance to take on this matter is to allow the Holy Spirit to influence them, and to dictate their beliefs and actions upon that influence.

But, again, I say there is no reason in the world to worry about what your sexual orientation might be. If you are gay, so what? You’re not sinning just by being gay, or by having sexual attractions or desires for those of the same sex. Depending on your beliefs, you’re only completely natural, or you’re just being tempted. That is all—so long as we’re only talking about attractions and desires, rather than actions taken upon them.

Please read Gabriel’s article about this (the link above). He is a very wise old friend of mine and he can write about these things so much better than I can.

I know what I’m saying may be very difficult for some people reading this to accept. I’ve been there and done that. As I said, go back just a few years ago and I’d have not believed this at all. I was so convinced that I was just some sort of freak that I couldn’t see the truth. I couldn’t see how much love God really has for me, or how little one’s sexual orientation really does matter in the grand scheme of things. I’m not asking you to trust me about this though. I’m just asking that you keep an open mind and try not to hold something that you may dislike about yourself over your head. Don’t let it ruin your self-esteem. Don’t let it destroy your value as a human being. And don’t ever allow anyone else to do those things to you either—whether concerning your sexuality or anything else about you.

What Makes it Wrong?

I read a comment on another blog recently that got me to thinking about how people reach the conclusion that homosexuality is wrong. In this particular comment, the commenter suggested that he sort of instinctively knew that he was doing something wrong the first time he engaged in homosexual activity. Others have told him that they didn’t know there was anything wrong with it until they came to their faith and accepted Christ.

What other means do people come to this belief? In all, I have thought of five means total.

One: the bible tells us so. As simplistic as that sounds, some people really do accept morals singularly from this source. From my own perspective, the bible does hold a lot of weight with me. It is one of the greatest works of the Holy Spirit ever. So, to deny or prevent its influence, I believe, is foolhardy at best.

Two: God teaches it is wrong through conviction of the Holy Spirit. I believe this could be true. If we are saved in the faith, I have no doubt at all that God will use the Holy Spirit to convict us of our sins (I would argue that He would do this even if we are not yet saved as well). If homosexual acts truly are sinful, then I am positive the Holy Spirit would try to convict us of that in order to enlighten us and spur us into changing our ways.

Three: Our nature’s fight against it. If we are truly designed as human beings only for heterosexual expressions of sex, then our nature will work to make us comply; when we go against it, it will let us know. For instance, if we chew on broken glass, we are likely to experience pain because our mouths are not designed in such a way to handle chewing on anything as sharp as that. Upon first bite, and that first puncture of the flesh, most of us would instinctively spit out the glass and never try to chew on it again. Our nature has cried out to us not to do that thing again. It could be the same for homosexuality. When we engage in homosexual acts, our bodies may in some way try to warn us against that. We may, too, be convinced by the functions of our design. Even though it is possible for two men or two women to engage in sexual acts together, their bodies are not designed for that function—the ultimate [note that I do not say only] goal of sex being procreation, something that only man and woman together can achieve. So we may be convinced that homosexuality is wrong simply by the designs of our bodies, the very nature of our biological design.

Four: We are taught that homosexual acts are wrong through environmental influences. When we see heterosexuality being the norm, see others make fun of homosexuals, and hear others preach against homosexuality, it only stands to reason that we may be influenced towards those ways of thinking, or allow those ways of thinking to influence our decisions. If we are raised in an environment very gay friendly, however, we may be less inclined to have any real problems, or concerns, about homosexuality. We may, in essence, view it more favorably, having fewer instances of its rejection or disapproval to model after. So, in those ways, I believe our environments can influence us into either believing it more or less acceptable.

Five: It is a personal decision. Anyone who decides that homosexuality is wrong must of course come to this decision, in the end, on their own. That is to say that no one can make this decision for you. This personal decision could be that homosexuality is wrong in the immoral sense, but also something determined wrong for one’s life, or course, as well. Many gay men and women do choose to pursue a life outside of homosexuality. There can be many reasons for this. They may want children, they may not want to be outside the norm, and/or they may have personal convictions through their faith. On that last, I do know many gay men who have told me that they never have felt any inner feelings of homosexuality being wrong. They resist homosexual desires purely out of their wish to adhere to the teachings of their faith, or the authority of the church (I commend them for this act of faith and submission, regardless if said authority or teaching is wrong).

Of the five means to determining homosexuality is wrong (and there may be others of which I am just not thinking about at this moment), I honestly am not sure which ones, if any, fully apply to me.  I know I am not nearly as inclined to believe homosexuality is wrong as I used to believe.

The bible does hold a great deal of weight on my decision making. However, I realize it may not be fully inclusive to God’s desires for us, having been written by flawed men with differing interpretations, perspectives, and even in some cases a lack of understanding (remember the disciples didn’t even fully understand Jesus’ teachings a great deal of the time, and Jesus himself expressed frustration about this—perhaps some of that same lack of understanding was at times translated or transferred into the Bible).

There have certainly been some strong occasions in which I believe the Holy Spirit has pressed upon me to either do or not do a particular thing. I have often felt led by Him, and accepted His direction for my life. At times, I have felt inclined to do certain things concerning homosexuality, which the Holy Spirit has discouraged me from doing. At other times, however, He has not discouraged me—at least in any way in which I could comprehend. And upon examination, I realize it is far too often those desires to rush out and into something probably pretty dangerous that He helps prevent, whereas those more loving, thoughtful desires to want to be with a particular person or another have not been so discouraged—a great many times there has been no discouragement that I could tell at all, but in fact an almost prodding to go ahead (I usually question these urges, in both regards, for rather long periods of time).

Concerning nature, I have to admit that I am influenced by the designs of our bodies to a great degree. It does not make sense to me that we would be designed for anything outside of heterosexuality. However, my nature has seldom, if ever, really called out against such activity. It has actually been those times when I did engage in heterosexual acts that felt in the strongest of ways to be unnatural [on this point, I want to make clear that I am not talking about masculinity, but sexual desires alone]. With this in mind, perhaps we are, to some extent, allowed more freedom over our bodies to interpret their functions than we would expect and allowed to oblige them. Even though we may not have been designed for homosexual engagements in the creation, our bodies may indeed be susceptible to them and may even be, at times, in favor of them. I will note on this point that even the animals, at times, engage in homosexual acts. If homosexuality is sinful, then I have to wonder whether or not even the animals are prone to sin as well. On this point, I have never heard of any teachings that that is the case. So, if the animals are free to express homosexual acts as a part of their nature, rather than sin, then is it not likely that human beings, too, may engage in such activities not as sin but of their nature? And if this is true, then could God really have such objections to it (granted that they are expressions of love rather than lust)? Could it not also be that animals, and the rest of nature, are stained by the fall just as much as we have been though—their very natures being just as twisted as ours as a result of the fall? I’m not sure.

This leads me next to consider our environments. I have for a very long time believed that one’s environment may prove to be, more than anything else, the root cause of their homosexuality. I can look at many environmental factors in my own life to at least suggest that this may have been the case for me (I have picked up on other noticeable environmental factors in the lives of others, too, though). This does not, however, prevent me from recognizing certain strong biological implications that may also play a part in the causation of homosexuality. But when I look at how I was raised and the things I was taught (whether academically or as life experience), I do see great reason to believe that my environment, even though perhaps causing me become homosexual, most likely also taught me that homosexuality is wrong more than anything else. I have certainly felt guilty or ashamed many times by the thought of going against those things I was taught, or raised to believe in. When I have been attracted to other men I have been reminded that other men think that is wrong, that the church preaches against such thoughts, that many in my family have openly disapproved of homosexuals, and that many others, in my presence, have far too often made fun of homosexuals. I have, to a great degree, been taught to feel ashamed and guilty of having such desires for other men. I do believe this was wrong, and in the last few years I have rejected such teachings and ways of thinking (maybe not entirely, but definitely for the most part). I have come to believe that these feelings, unless prompted by the Holy Spirit, are simply not of God, but rather manmade and sinful in themselves. That is not to suggest that people cannot believe as they see fit and proper on the matter—I do not wish to discourage anyone of their convictions—but just to say that a great many are lacking in their approach to others. One can believe that homosexual acts are wrong, and even discourage people from engaging in such acts, but I believe they should not do this by applications of guilt, shame, carelessness, anger, disregard, neglect, hate, or pride. Likewise, a person tempted to homosexuality, believing it is wrong, I believe would do far better to try to adhere to their beliefs much more from an academic acknowledgement, or response, of their faith, rather than as a response to poor emotion (again, I say this is proper unless otherwise pressed by the Holy Spirit, which may be difficult for a person to discern at times, I admit).

As a personal decision, I have accepted more than not that homosexuality is wrong for me to engage in. That is not to say that I have decided I am anything but homosexual based on any personal decision—I do not believe that is possible. However, anyone can choose, or make a decision, on how best to live their life. Just because I am gay, does not mean I have to be with another man. Nor does it mean I have to be with a woman. I can choose to be with no one if that serves me and the Lord best. At this time, I have chosen the latter. I have done this because I do not wish to rush into anything of which I still do not believe I fully understand; I have not yet fully been able to interpret God’s desire for me in this regard. Perhaps His desire is exactly for me to be of the mind, or opinion, I currently have, not wanting me to be with anyone at this time.

I do believe, regardless of one’s teachings, one’s nature, one’s urging of the Holy Spirit, or one’s understanding of the Bible (or anything else), that each person has to make up their own mind on the matter of homosexuality on their own. Is it right or wrong? Does God approve or disapprove? Is it good for me or bad for me? Each of these things must be decided upon by the individual. With free will, we must make our best decision. Some of us may make the wrong decision, and some may make the right decision. But it has to be a personal decision. I do not believe anyone can make it for us, nor should they try, nor should we ever fully accept any other person’s decision without having first given a great degree of thought about it on our own.

Let me know what you think. I’m curious to see how others believe, and to know just how a person does come to a belief that homosexuality is wrong—I’m curious to see if there are any overwhelming factors of similarities about this.

Dear Reader

An anonymous reader wrote the following comment to me regarding my last post. Because he or she questioned some of my motives concerning this blog, and my own dealings with homosexuality, I thought it relevant to simply respond in the fashion of a reply letter in the context of a post. If you are still out there, dear reader, this is for you.

ANONYMOUS WRITES:

Brandon,

To be honest with you I doubt your desire to "maybe reach out contact a few friends". It seems like you are longing for a deep connection.

And the reason you feel so uncertain about contacting the one person you seem to be expressing an intense interest in is probably because on some level your motives are not really in the right place, compounded by the fact that your relationship was never really that strong or honest.

If this was truly a friend in which you genuinly had a strong trust bond with, or both of your feelings were really in the right place, you probably would not feel so uncomfortable contacting him at this point in time.

It could be that inwardly you know the futility of the relationship, but may be projecting your feelings of loneliness onto him to satisfy what you percieve to be lacking in your life at this time.

It is a classic pattern of emotional dependance -- always searching for that which you know in your heart os out of reach, rather than being satisfied with the things you can create for yourself, with God's help of course.

I also want to share my thoughts regarding your blog title, since you put it out there for the world.

Apparently you get some form of an emotional fix out of identifying as gay. I find this to be a curious thing for those who believe homosexuality in immoral according to scripture and that it greatly displeases God.

This does not glorify God but the sin nature. God never condems sickness in scripture but he does condem sin. In stating such you also imply that homosexuality is a fixed state of being. It certailnly is not.

Every moment that you are not wrapped up in homosexual thinking, how can you call yourself gay?

As a man thinks so is he.

I also do not see why one would place links to homosexual sites if they do not believe homosexuality is morally upright.

Is it to appear cool and openminded, or do you wish to put a gun in the hand of vunerable individuals and say, oh just dont pull the trigger. Or here it is, just in case you want to pull the trigger.

In all honesty I do not think that if Christ were here in the flesh today and writing a blog that he would in fact place links to pro homosexual websites just in case anyone was interested.

There is enough information already out there for people who want pro gay information. Must you really contribute?

I happen to see this practice on a number of blogs and I find it to be quite a misguided practice by those who have a clouded view of Christ's message.

I have discovered that 99 percent of the time when I am in such deep emotional dispare and loneliness it is the result of me going off course with God and sin issues.

It is perhaps an uncomfortale truth, but it is the truth. Even as I sit and write this I deal with some of the same issues in a lot of ways.

But God is always faithful and when we are truly willing to give up the idols we cling to the sun begins to break forth and shine.

It may be time to rise above your struggles and feelings and let go of the gay identity as well as any inference that you support the activities and mindsets that God tells us through scripture that he hates.

MY REPLY:

Dear Anonymous,

I think you are reading too much into my last post and didn’t entirely understand what I was getting at. All I was trying to express was that it has been a long time since I made contact with a few friends, and they are friends that I miss a great deal. They are close friends, and I do trust them emphatically. The problem is that I sometimes struggle to a great degree being able to interact with others. This includes people I am close to. It is not that I feel ashamed of contacting them or that I have any ulterior motives to our friendships to feel conflicted about, but rather a certain almost inability to be sociable at times. It is just hard for me to know how to interact with others; and this is something that has recently prevented me from reaching out to a few friends who I haven’t been able to be around for some time now.

I often wonder if the reason for this is that I fear rejection—something Naturgesetz suggested in his comment to my last post. A lot of it, I’m sure goes back to those feelings of inferiority that I mentioned a couple of posts back though. Maybe I’m just afraid of putting myself out there and worrying too much of what others are going to think of me. For whatever the reason, all I can say is that it is just difficult for me to be around others sometimes.

As for emotional dependency, that is not a theory that I put much stock into. Of course people can get a bit obsessive at times, and there really are some people out there who are just mentally unstable and place more into a relationship than ever should have been merited. However, emotional dependency, as I believe you to be defining it, is a contradiction on many levels. There is nothing wrong with having your emotions tied to some extent in the relationships you have with others. This is only natural, seeing that relationships cannot sustain without some level of emotion between the two parties involved. It should feel good to be around certain people we like, admire, love, or care for. One should just keep in mind that good feelings and good friends do not always go hand in hand. You can be around good friends and still not feel good. But to enjoy and want to spend time with others, especially for someone like me who rarely ever spends time around anyone, should not be considered such a bad thing. I honestly believe God made us to desire being in relationship with each other and that it is a healthy thing for us.

As for the title of my blog and identifying as gay, or homosexual, I do that because I consider it to be a form of honesty on my part. I suppose I should define my terms though.

I identify as gay not because I regularly have sex with other men, but because I am attracted to other men. I define myself as gay on this blog because I have dedicated this blog to discussing that particular part of my life. I do not go around thinking of myself as gay, or thinking about gay things, all day long though. I am just me living my life. But this blog does deal with that part of my life concerning my attractions to other men. I label myself as gay because, to me, anyone who is sexually attracted to others of the same sex is gay. I am therefore gay by that definition.

By that standard, I am neither glorifying nor condemning sin by admitting my sexual preference, but simply stating a fact of my being. I am a man who is sexually attracted to other men. It is no different than me stating the color of my hair, the color of my eyes, my height, weight, complexion, or personality type. And, rather than lie and say that I am straight, or attracted to women, when I am not, I would rather just be honest and admit the current state I am in.

Now, about posting links to sites that promote homosexuality. I include those sites on my blog because they are written by people I like, who cover certain topics at times which I think do help people who are struggling with their sexuality. I am also not opposed to listening to the arguments or opinions of people I disagree with. It has nothing to do with wanting or trying to look cool, and certainly has nothing to do with trying to tempt others. If you have been tempted because of my blog, I apologize for that. It was not my attempt, nor desire to cause such a thing.

Concerning what Christ would do today, in all honesty to you, I do not think Christ would turn a blind eye, disavow, push away, ignore, belittle, or pretend that homosexuals or others engaged in sin simply do not exist. Jesus was a friend to sinners. He ate with them, spoke to them, helped them, and even loved them, which was something the Pharisees couldn’t understand and hated him for. If I am doing anything, it is attempting to live by Christ’s example. I am a friend to sinners and I will not push them away. Likewise, I will not refuse to hear them out when their views differ from my own, nor turn my back on them when or if they ever need my help or a shoulder to fall back on. How else could I ever know them, the problems they face, or ever truly be able to disciple to them?

Furthermore, if you have read much of my blog at all, you should know that my mind is not 100% made up on whether or not I believe God indeed does condemn homosexual acts. I tend to believe more often than not that he does condemn, or disapprove, of them. I do, however, have some very real doubts about that. I have several reasons to believe that God might actually not have any problems with homosexual relationships. If having that doubt causes me to appear open-minded, that is because my mind, to some extent, is open on the matter and not completely solidified yet behind either position. Be this right or wrong, it is where I am at right now.

As for despair and loneliness, I do think those can be caused, as you said, by going off course from God or by indulging or falling into sin. Despair, or hopelessness, in particular, really is a lack of faith. It can only truly exist when we lose our faith in God’s will, His protection, or His judgment. It is simply giving up hope when we should have every reason to hope through God. Loneliness, on the other hand, I believe can be caused by more than our own actions though. Sometimes we may just not be able to be around others through reasons not necessarily of our own making, and be lonely simply by missing them or missing regular forms of human contact. Sin, in general, however, can be the result of many things. I do not always fault a person, nor do I believe God always condemns a person, for all the sins they commit. Nor do I believe that every bad feeling or every problem a person experiences in life is due to themselves having committed some sin. We should learn this from the story of Job if nothing else.

I appreciate your concern for me. I know that is why you commented to me in the first place. I hope I have clarified my positions and thoughts somewhat more clearly though. And I hope you can understand, whether I am right or wrong, the mindset from which I have based my decisions. I know I have been wrong about a lot of things in my life, and that I have committed many sins. I am far from a perfect person, and I’m sure I require all the patience and forgiveness from God He is willing to give me. With these things in mind, I will continue to think upon the concerns and advice you have given me.

Sincerely,

Brandon

Mocking God

This has to be one of the campiest, gayest scenes ever.

In my last post, I showed a clip from the movie Jesus Christ Superstar. I decided to show this one as well in order to illustrate the mocking attitude so many people have toward God and the Christian faith.

In this scene, we see Jesus standing before Herod, and Herod—in a most whimsical way—asking Jesus to perform a miracle for him. Jesus, knowing that Herod wasn’t really interested in the truth so much as he wanted a show, or spectacle, stood silent instead. This leads Herod to begin mocking him, hurling insults and telling him to leave.

This seems to be the attitude a lot of people have today toward God. In their great arrogance, they’d rather shrug off any possible signs of God’s existence and rely on their own limited human understanding of things, holding to a concept which cannot be proven, as some sort of enlightened thought.

It amazes me how so many people look at the Big Bang Theory and are somehow able to conclude that it proves the nonexistence of God. Having a better understanding of how the universe came about and the ways in which it works does not prove in any way whatsoever that God does not exist. At best, it only suggests a possible way in which God did create everything. This theory has never fully been able to explain how everything came into existence though. If there was a big bang, then what caused it? How could everything have just burst into existence from nothing? The simplest explanation is that there is a God, who is all powerful, and that He is the one who caused it all to happen. Scientists use a guiding principle that the simplest explanation is often the right explanation. However, when it comes to God, so many of them somehow seem to always want to predominantly turn a blind eye to this concept and tout a belief that is so complicated they cannot explain it. And yet they think themselves smarter for this?

Mocking God is no laughing matter. It’s arrogance, pure and simple. No one is so smart that he or she can see it all, hear it all, know it all, be it all, or do it all. In our existence as human beings, none of us has ever been so smart than none to follow could surpass our own understandings. And if that is true, then why put so much faith into a single thought, which is no more credible than that which opposes it, and which has greater consequences for you should you prove to be wrong?

I believe in Jesus. I believe he was the Christ, that He was God, and that He still lives today. His truths have never been disproven, and they never will be. And with the free will given to me, I find it much more worthwhile to believe in something, in someone, than to believe in nothing at all.

I could end this post on that note, but I’ll go a bit further, because I think this is important.

As a believer in Christ, I do have doubts sometimes. It would be easy for me to pass off past evidence of God as simple neurosis, lies, aliens coming down to earth, or time travelers interfering with human history. But none of those things explains what gives spark to life. None of those explanations reveals where we all came from, how it all happened, or even what caused it to happen. Having said that, I must admit, in truth, there is no way for me to prove the existence of God beyond any shadow of doubt. My faith does not make me so arrogant that I cannot concede that I might be wrong. I hear Christians admit this sort of thing all the time, but I often never hear such a concession from those who do not believe. And that’s fine. It’s their right to believe and conduct themselves in this matter as they choose. But I find it so discrediting when people who do not believe in God, who cannot prove their beliefs anymore than I can prove mine, say that they know there is no God and are unwilling to listen or consider opposing ideas.

People who do not believe in God, who would mock Him openly, a being that may actually exist despite their own beliefs, do so with a heart of arrogance, a closed mind, and a foolish sense of certainty. When you do that, you look as ridiculous as the people in this clip.

Not a Disease

I’ve never very much cared for the notion that homosexuality is a disorder, or disease. I know a lot in the ex-gay community like to hold to an idea that, well, maybe not that homosexuality is a disease, but that it is certainly something to be cured from. And I know I have touted such thoughts before, but it is one that I disagree with now.

I don’t think homosexuality is something to be cured of, anymore than having brown eyes instead of blue eyes is something to be cured of. I think if a person is homosexual, then that is just what they are. It is certainly possible that God could change a person’s sexuality, but considering all the people who have earnestly tried for that and found no change in their sexuality, I believe even God must find such a change irrelevant. Being gay or straight doesn’t matter as much as following God, and nowhere in the bible is there a commandment for everyone to be straight.  Being gay is no sin.

We are all different in one way or another. Some of us are more different than others, but I think that is okay. Being gay should not be an issue. If anything should be an issue, it should simply be to resist (or at the very least try to resist) acting on temptations to commit sexual sins, as well as to build upon your faith and to allow Jesus to actually be the Lord and Savior of your life. This is relevant for all people, whether gay or straight, and I’d dare say a whole lot more important to God than who or what you are sexually attracted to.

Signs of God

Yeah! Why is that?

Sometimes I think we don’t do a good enough job pointing out to others how God is involved in our lives. Maybe we get too busy to witness or we just forget to. Maybe we get too afraid of what others will think or forget the importance of it. But God is involved in our lives, especially if we ask Him to be. And we can find evidence of God all around us, if only we try.

Looking back on my life, I can see so clearly how God was involved. I see how He pushed me to do things I didn’t really want to do, and to not do a few things that I really wanted to do. I saw Him answer many prayers, and in ways and to the point that goes far beyond coincidence. I’ve felt His presence with me whenever I’ve sought Him out—especially in those low moments or those of rejoicing. I’ve seen Him open doors for me through opportunities that should have been closed off. I’ve seen Him heal people from illnesses that doctors said couldn’t be healed from. Every spring when the flowers bloom and the leaves grow back, I see His spark of life throughout all of nature. I’ve seen Him do a lot.

I like the movie Signs, and I’ll mention it here because it illustrates very well the way God tends to work in our lives. I’d recommend anyone reading to watch it just to get the idea. We don’t often get that big booming voice from the heavens, or a burning bush. But, if we look, we can find signs or evidence of God all around us.

Around 2001/2 I was very unhappy with my life. I needed help and couldn’t find it. I prayed and didn’t seem to get any answers. And I felt alone in everything. It was the worst time in my life.

I used to drive back and forth to school in the next county, and I remember having the thought that I should just drive my car off the road where this little valley lies. I wanted to die, because I felt so bad and hopeless. I thought that doing it that way would be the most preferable. I’d just cut off before the guardrail, fly through the air, and whenever the car crashed, that would be the end in one quick moment.

I built up my courage one day to do it. I was coming back from school, the day had been just another nightmare, I was crying my eyes out, and I decided it was time. I was driving about sixty miles per hour, drove onto the side lane, hit the rough, saw the valley ahead of me, and at the last moment, my car just seemed to drift back over onto the main road. It felt like it happened all on its own, whenever it mattered less to me, and whenever it should have physically been too late to stop. I know with all of my being that I did not stop my car from going off that cliff. And afterward, I just had this really strong feeling come over me to keep going, as if I was being told to. The next few months, a lot of things began to get better. I just kept thinking, keep going. And that helped.

I believe this was a sign of God. It was a miracle.

Some signs maybe aren’t that profound though. But I know God has been a part of my life. He’s talked to me in dreams that felt more real than any others. He’s given me thoughts or new understandings that directly conflicted with previous ones. He’s placed friends in my life at just the right times when I needed them the most… He’s just done so much.

And so now, I ask you to think back upon your own lives. What signs have you had from God? How has God worked in your lives? What has He done for you or others?

The Significance of Stars

Around midnight, I went outside just to sort of chill out for a minute on the back porch.  I leaned on the railing and looked out at the field behind our house, and then up to the stars in the sky.  There wasn't a cloud in sight.  I just kept looking, trying to find Orion's Belt and the Dippers.

After a few minutes, I felt a sort of peaceful awe come over me.  I started thinking about how many stars there are, how bright some are and how dim others are, and wondering just how many of those stars might have planets and other worlds circling round them.  I found my mind full of all kinds of imaginative thoughts.  And I thought about how great and wonderful God is to have created so much beauty.  Here we are, so small and insignificant in so many ways, and yet out of all His creation, God loves us most.  If that's not a comfort, I don't know what is.

When my grandma died, I inherited a lot of her things.  Some of these things are old and worth some money.  Some are things that hold some sentimental value.  I'm glad I've been able to get these things, but I know that my grandma was worth more to me than any of it.  She was worth more than anything I own, and I would have given anything, including my life, to have helped keep her alive.  I feel that way about most of my family.

I think I understand God a lot better now than I used to.  Yeah, He has everything in existence; it all belongs to Him: the sun, the earth, the stars, the planets... everything.  But out of all of it, we mean the most to Him.  He gave it all up, including His life, for us.  I can't think of anything better than that.  I can't think of any act of love greater than that.  And it makes me so overwhelmed and glad to have a God like that who is a part of my life.  It is a comfort beyond all others.

We mean more than the stars.

Even in Bad, Something Good

I come across stories like this one every once in a while that just makes my soul cringe. In short, a mother gets high, goes into her five week old sons bedroom, and proceeds to cut off his genitals. I can't say this is the most horrific act I've ever heard of, but it is something nevertheless disturbing, to say the least.

I'm glad to say that I've never abused drugs or alcohol. I've never been high and I've never been drunk. I've known people for a long time that have enjoyed and sought out both of those experiences quite frequently, but I honestly fail to see the point. Both damage your health, turn people off, and in some cases causes you to do things that you wouldn't ordinarily do (like cut off your son's privates).

I've got news for you, if life is bad, drugs and alcohol really won't do anything to improve your situation. They're just a temporary fix that, in time, will usually only lead you to further heartaches.

Holden Gothia looks like a very happy, energetic, young boy. He has parents who love him, take care of him, and siblings who do the same. I was glad to see this in the video. And I pray that as Holden grows older, he will be a source of help and hope for others.

Recently, a very horrific and senseless murder took place in my town. A few years ago, a young girl was caught, drug under, and killed by her mother's car when it went out of gear and began to roll. People have had sudden heart attacks. People have been robbed. People have killed themselves. In all the bad that goes on in the world, it is hard sometimes to remember that there is a purpose, or reason, for everything. God doesn't only use the good in the world to teach us, reveal himself to us, or to help us or others. Sometimes He uses the bad as well.

I try to remember that. Even in bad, good things can happen. Heroes for Holden is an example of that.

Being Faithful

Hope and faith are two incredibly powerful things.  Both are essential for a positive outlook on life, and both can help lift you out of some of the most dismal situations you could ever experience.

I want to be hopeful.  I want to continue to believe that God has a future in store for me that is worth living.  And I want to be faithful to God as I wait for that life to unfold.

It is hard to do these things sometimes.  Keeping hope when all seems lost is a virtue beyond a great many people.  It’s something I struggle with sometimes.  And being faithful in light of such things can just seem useless.

But if we keep our hope and keep our faith in God, God will always see us through in the end; one way or another.  He is our greatest refuge, our greatest source of strength, our best friend, our best love, and our best ray of hope.

When we feel hopeless and faithless, the best thing we could ever do is to hold onto God with all our might.  We just have to believe.  And if we do that, He WILL see us through whatever hardships we face.

A Good Life

Do I have a good life?

Let me think on that for a moment…

I have a roof over my head.  I have more clothes than I really need.  I daily have something to eat and drink.  I have friends and family who love and care about me.  I get to work with children who each day do something joyful and uplifting.  I have two nephews that I absolutely love spending time with.  I usually can find some time during the day for my talents and interests.  I’ve been able to travel many different places.  I have good memories that often flood my mind.

Overall, yes, I would say that I have a good life.

So why have I felt down so much of the time lately?

To begin with, I get tired of being patient.  I have dreams and goals that I am constantly working on and, after awhile, I can get tired of what seems to be a lack of progress toward achieving those things.  Especially on those which have taken years at this point.  For instance, four years ago I decided to go back to school to become a teacher.  I only needed two and half years to graduate, so the last year and a half I’ve been looking for someplace to hire me.  It is a wait that was far from expected when I went back to school.  In the meantime, I have been substitute teaching, worrying that every little move I make will be looked at badly somehow by the very people who could potentially hire me.  Little to say, this has been stressful.

I have also been coping with the loss of my grandma.  Everything in the last few months has been a first without her—the first Christmas, New Years, falling snow, Easter, spring, summer.  It is hard experiencing so many things without her when she was such a huge part of those things before.  She lived right across the road from us, and so every time I look out front of the house it has been difficult.  We’ve been to her house many times as well to take out her belongings.  I keep expecting her to show up any minute to look out the door and wave hello or goodbye to us.  I keep expecting to see her go to the mailbox, or walk her dog in the yard, or come across the road to do a little gardening.  When we’re in her house, I keep expecting to see her come around each corner or to say something from the next room.  And I’m reminded of all those many times I saw and heard her do those things.  I miss my grandma terribly.  And I keep wondering if she knew what was happening at the end.  How much pain was she in?  Did she know it was going to be the end of her life?  Did she have hope?  What was going through her mind?  Was there anything she still needed or wanted to tell us before she went?  Is she in Heaven?  What if Heaven really doesn’t exist and everything she was is now gone forever?

I’d give everything and then some to have her back.

And then I’ve struggled with some of my religious beliefs lately.  I really don’t think I believe it’s wrong for people to be in homosexual relationships anymore.  My mind isn’t completely made up on the matter, but the more I look at it, the more I’m convinced that the arguments against homosexuality are severely loosely based.  When you put everything together, it all just comes across so much more like a series of misunderstandings and prejudice than anything else.  Why would God mind if I fell in love with another man, chose to live with him the rest of my life, to share everything of my life with him, including my sexuality?  What is so wrong with that?

You know, I hear people so much of the time try to devalue homosexual relationships.  I think that’s wrong.  If they’re sinful, then they’re sinful.  That’s all, and that’s all that should be said if that’s true.  But to say that no two men can love each other like that, that no two men could have a healthy life together, that no two men could actually produce something together through sexual means (to achieve a stronger bond, level of affection, love, and commitment for each other), I think it’s all just shameful.  Do we say that all heterosexual relationships are wrong because of prostitution, drug use, open marriages, premarital sex, or divorce?  No.  We say that each of those things individually is bad, but we never use those things as reasons to devalue and demoralize all of a particular type of relationship.  So, why do so many do that when it concerns homosexual relationships?  Not all homosexuals are just out for sex alone.  Believe it or not, some of us actually do want A RELATIONSHIP.  Sex would only be a part of such a thing, but not the entirety of it.

I’m just tired of feeling different all the time.  I want to be able to do what everyone else does.  I don’t want to hide who I am, or be afraid of people knowing me.  I want to go on dates and be romantic every once in a while.  It’d be nice to have a steady boyfriend even.  I’m just so sick of the course I’ve been on.  I don’t want to do it anymore.  I’m so physically, emotionally, and even spiritually exhausted from it.

I’m gay.  I didn’t ask to be, I’ve never wanted to be, but I just am.  It is something that encompasses a large part of my personality and how I interpret and view the world.  It’s not something I can just turn off, like the flick of a switch, or hide, as if I’m some sort of freak.  I’ve tried doing that and it just doesn’t work.  I can’t make it work.  And, frankly, I don’t want it to work because if it did I’d no longer be me.

Isn’t this what Jesus’ mission was all about though?  We can try and try and try, and fail and fail and fail on our own, and never make things right.  But with Jesus, He makes it right even when we can’t.  We’re not given an open license to sin, but when we just can’t make a go of it on our own, God understands.  That’s the whole reason Jesus’ death was so important, so that we could be offered a means of forgiveness that isn’t dependent upon ourselves, or what actions we’re able to do, but dependent upon God and what He is able and willing to do for us.  God knew we just couldn’t do it on our own.  Right now, I don’t think I can do what I’ve been doing anymore.  I can’t keep hiding who I am, pretending I don’t like what I like, and killing myself little by little in the process.  If God’s going to accept me, He’s just going to have to accept also that I’m gay.  If He wants me to be something different then He’s going to have to send down some sort of lightning bolt or something, because nothing I’ve done has worked.

I’m so angry all the time.  Really, if I had to describe how I’ve felt lately, these are the words I’d use: angry, lonely, worried, sad, afraid, bitter, confused.  To be honest, this is one of the worst bouts of depression I’ve ever felt, and it’s lasted about the longest.  I feel very confused.  I’m angry and frustrated that certain things are the way they are.  I’m sad at the loss of certain things.  I’m worried, scared, and hopeless seeing what options seem to be presented for my future.  And I’m just so tired.

A few days ago I asked a friend if he’d want to be my boyfriend.  It was the first time in my life I ever asked someone out like that.  Anytime I was ever with anyone before, it either just happened or they asked me first.  This time I did the asking.  I wasn’t surprised when he turned me down.  Nor was I surprised by how gentle and nice he was in doing so.  But I was and am a little disheartened by the rejection.  I’m okay though because I know we’ll still be good friends, and I value our friendship too much to let something like this ruin it.  The possibility of us being together, and the drive to want to love him in such a way, though, just consumed me to the point that I had to ask him.  I was drawn to him because of how great his friendship has been to me.  I think he is such a great person in my life, and I honestly can’t think of anyone better to be with.  If I were to ever be in a relationship, I would hope it would be with someone like him, built on such a great level of friendship, love, and common interests.

And in all of this and more I’ve just felt so withdrawn from everyone.  Some of this has been unwanted, but some of it, too, has been forced.  I just haven’t felt the strength to be around anyone much. 

A friend wrote to me on my facebook page a few days ago that it really was time for me to update it.  I took his advice and decided to do so.  This began a conversation between the two of us, and also began two other conversations with friends I hadn’t talked to for awhile now.  The new status also got a few likes.  What my friend did was humble me out of a state of isolationism, which I’ll thank him for.  It was a blessing.

I’ve been told by people before that I need to break out of my shell more.  I know I guard my privacy more than I should.  And when I’m feeling down I tend to converge within myself and just totally keep myself in a state of seclusion.  Then I whine around thinking I don’t have friends or people who want to be around me, when in reality I do.

I know, overall, I do have a good life.  A lot of things are really good.  And I do have a lot of things to look forward to.  But I know I just really want and need for certain things to be different.  I want to work to make things different.  And when it comes to relationships, I really don’t want to care anymore if it happens to be with another man.  In all the vastness of everything, I really just don’t think that it matters.  If it does, then I trust God will lead me to a better understanding of it all.  And in whatever I do, I will continue to seek out His wisdom and guidance.

Of Self, Sex, Love, and Relationships

I ask the question, “Why?” I keep thinking about why I would be attracted to other men, why I would always have had this inner wish when I was little to have been born a girl, why I would have so much difficulty throughout all of life relating to other men, why God would so strongly disapprove of me being in a romantic relationship, and I can’t help but wonder for what purpose it is all for. Why, of all things to struggle with in life, do I have to struggle with gender identity/sexual orientation issues? Why not something a little more common that doesn’t influence the very nature of my being? Why not just pornography, masturbation, greed, gluttony, anger, alcoholism, lust, jealousy, etc.? Not that any of these things are any less difficult to fight or deal with, but none of them bring into question the physical aspect of who you are. No, I have to struggle with the very nature of my identity as a human being. I don’t feel nor think of myself in very masculine terms most of the time, even though I do recognize many of the masculine traits I do have. A lot of the time, I don’t relate fully to being male or female, but something in between. And that in between reality pulls me in both directions so much of the time. I know I am male, and I like that I’m male, but my mind and perception of self is so female it isn’t even funny. This impacts the way I relate to others in virtually every possible manner, including sexuality.

When I think of sex, it is not at all from the typical heterosexual male’s point of view. On the contrary, my first instincts are very much alike to the typical heterosexual female’s point of view (me being in one of maybe three sexual positions with a man on top of me). And, also, like the typical heterosexual woman, even though there is certainly physical pleasure to be enjoyed during sex, it is the closeness to the person making love to me that I desire the most (this isn’t to suggest that no straight men feel the same in this regard—remember I’m talking about instincts and I’m basing this off of past conversations with straight men and women). That’s what I think of whenever sex comes to mind. Those are my first instincts, and that’s pretty much always been the case (spare for a select few occasions).

I’ve had sex with three different people in my life. I know that may come as a shock to some of you, but it is the truth I have to live with, and I do feel regret for. When I was twelve years old, I became sexually active with a boy that was a couple of years younger than me. For the most part, we were only experimenting with each other. We were learning about sex together. I know this had little to do with attraction, but I was still drawn to do those things with him. It just seemed natural to want to, and he was willing.

Sometime during this two year course, I also had sex with a girl. That was a onetime event, which I have no illusions about—I wanted to prove to myself I could be with a girl.

Neither of these people do I wish I’d have had sex with, and I know they feel the same. I wasn’t in love with either of them, nor did either of them love me. But I look back at that time in my life and see how incredibly stupid I was (and how stupid they were too). The things I did during those two years filled me full of regret, sorrow, and self-hate. I layered those feelings on top of me for years. I knew it was just about sex, wanting that physical pleasure.

I allowed those feelings to pretty much diminish any thought of ever actually being with anyone in any sort of relationship. I just thought there wasn’t much real possibility of that happening. But, in spring of 2010, I began (reluctantly) dating a woman that I went to school with. I wrote about that relationship many posts back, calling her Eve.

I loved Eve. There was a lot about her to love. But that relationship fell apart. This happened for many reasons. The biggest reason was just that we didn’t have any of the same long term goals for our lives. Even though we knew this, we still wanted desperately to be together in the short term.

Eve was the third person I became sexually active with. I could give a lot of excuses for why this came about, but I won’t. This was just another reason our relationship fell apart though. After awhile she thought she’d become pregnant. Like most people hearing this sort of news, we wizened up more than a lot. I know both of us really looked much more seriously at the relationship we had. It turned out that she wasn’t pregnant, but we both realized we’d made some very wrong decisions. We both knew that neither of us was willing to give up some of the dreams we’d carried for ourselves for so long. And if that was true, then we never should have allowed ourselves to go so far with each other. She accepted, before I did, that if we weren’t going to be with each other in the future, then we shouldn’t continue being with each other at all. And that’s why she broke up with me.

I was devastated when that relationship ended. I know I really did love Eve. And I know she really did love me, too. We’re still on good terms with each other. But in hindsight, I know the love we had was, at least in part, conditional. I also know there were problems with our relationship extending beyond those I’ve already mentioned. I was never really able to feel comfortable being physically intimate with her, in any regard, or to ever lead in that relationship, even when she wanted me to. I couldn’t be what is required for that sort of relationship—physically or relationally. I felt so awkward so much of the time, as though I was a straight woman trying to be with another woman. It just seemed to completely unnatural for me to be with her. This inner sense kept coming up while we were together. I often think Eve recognized this, too, though she never said anything. She did know I was attracted to other men, and was always very understanding about that. But I do think it impacted our relationship. And I never thought it was very fair to her.

I learned several things from that relationship though. One was that sex can ruin something beautiful. Another is that just because you’re in love doesn’t mean you have to have sex. And a third is that I will never again have sex with anyone unless it’s the person I’m going to spend the rest of my life with—and I’ll give that more than a few months to figure out—because the pain of doing otherwise is just too great.

I also learned a great deal about myself though. I was able to see how a relationship with a woman could be possible. It could work, and I won’t rule out the possibility of that ever happening again. But I do see how unfit and unmatched I was for that sort of relationship. I know I was always on the wrong end of it. My best match is to be with another man, romantically and relationally speaking—that’s what works. Being with Eve, I saw that more clearly. I also saw who I really want to be with.

I’ve suppressed my love for a male friend for a very long time now. I loved him even while I was with Eve. And, unlike with Eve, I know the love I have for him is unconditional. We’ve had many ups and downs, but our friendship has survived (longer than any other I could mention). I think he is handsome, though I doubt few others would think of him beyond average. He is smart and witty. He loves to write and talk about religion and politics. I love that he challenges me in my thinking, that he is always patient with me, always willing to listen, always willing to be there for me. And I love his faith in God. We have so many things we share in common. And I know if I could choose one person to spend the rest of my life with, he would be my pick. I would choose to give everything of myself to him, without regret, and I don’t doubt that for even a second.

It hurts knowing how much I love him, knowing I’ve found the person I want to spend the rest of my life with, knowing that he could share those same feelings with me, but knowing that that can never happen. I’ve struggled so much trying to figure out how to respond to this love. It is not just the love for a friend. It is beyond any measure a romantic love as well. It’s both, really. I want to be able to look him in the eyes and tell him I love him, and for him to know that beyond God, that holds most for him. I want to be able to come home to him every day. I want to embrace him. I want to hold hands with him. I want to hear his voice and feel his presence every day. I want to take care of him when he’s sick. I want to grow old with him. I want to feel my soul connected with his. I want to do all those things a married couple can do together. And, yes, to even make love with him. And yet, I resist.

And I ask, “Why?” Why do I struggle with this thing? Why is it that I’ve come so far to learn so much what true love is all about, and to truly love someone in this manner, just to be told that it’s an unholy love that God would never approve of? Why is it so wrong for me to want to share myself with someone that I love so much? Why and for what purpose would God ever allow me to go through such a thing? Love is one of the greatest things in this world, something that Christ himself advocated more than anything else, and yet I’m denied the love of another?

I know I can be loved, but there are different kinds of love. I want to be able to love someone where I can give everything of myself—my body, my mind, my soul, my time, everything, and to know that it is all out of love. You can’t really love a friend like that. And there’s the difference. My struggle isn’t one of wanting sex. It is one of wanting to experience that sort of love and being told no, and that answer making no sense at all anymore.

I want to do what’s right, but I know I want to do it because it makes sense. Not just because it’s what I’ve always been told, which is based so much on what others have always thought, who had no real idea what sort of thing they were talking about. I don’t want to accept a teaching that I honestly do think may have come about only out of prejudice and misunderstanding.

I look at the story of Adam. God saw it wasn’t good for man to be alone, and yet He’s asking me to be alone? I look at Jesus’ commandment to love, and yet I’m told the greatest of loves isn’t okay for me? It just doesn’t make sense.

And so I struggle on trying to make sense out of it all.

Q&A

A few of you asked me some questions following my last two posts, and I thought I should take some time to respond to them seriously.

You asked:

1) Am I trying to rationalize giving into something I know is wrong? Is that the reason I’m undecided about being in a relationship?

2) Do I rely too much on my feelings, or emotions, in determining my actions, or how I respond to certain things?

3) Do I need an accountability partner?

4) Do I have certain preconceived notions about how God should relate to me, or even intervene, in my life?

5) What contradictions do I see in the bible?

To begin with, I will admit that I’m not sure what to think anymore. So many Christians have told me so many different things that I honestly don’t know what’s true and what isn’t. And I don’t know how much I can trust the word of any one particular person.

I have my faith in God. I believe I am saved through Christ. I pray on a regular basis. I want to please God. And I want to be a part of the Christian family, to help other Christians and to bring others into that family.

But I doubt so many things. To begin with, I’m not sure how much the bible can be trusted. I think it can be trusted more than not. But I believe it may not be entirely accurate—God inspired or not. I believe this because I know it was written by man, and man is fallible—even the Godly ones. Jesus himself rebuked Peter and his other disciples numerous times for not fully understanding him. If that is the case, then how can we be completely sure that they, and others, didn’t misinterpret or fully understand other things that they wrote about?

With this in mind, I also take into account the fact that our understanding of the body and how it works has changed over time. People know better concerning this today than what they did during biblical days. People used to believe seizures and the like were demon possessions, for instance, but we hardly call them that today. Knowing this, I can’t help but wonder if homosexuality is just another instance of not fully knowing. I look at just how ignorant people are today about homosexuality. It’s not all just about actions or conduct. I think you can actually BE homosexual. A lot of Christians just seem to think everyone is straight, and that homosexuality is just a desire to act up. I don’t believe this. I think some people actually ARE homosexual. I think it goes beyond temptations; that it’s a part of who a person is. Any version of myself as straight, I’ve absolutely hated. It’s just not me. I might as well be trying to change my sex completely. And the thing is, I believe God actually loves ME, the homosexual me, and not some phony version of what somebody else thinks I should be.

It says in the Old Testament that it was sinful to eat shellfish. Really? I mean, we’ve been eating shellfish for centuries now. It also says that God’s people are supposed to be circumcised. But that’s not been a requirement since the beginning of Christianity. People were also told not to marry between races, but this is accepted now. Jesus said he was not here to abolish the law, but to fulfill it. If that is true, then shouldn’t we still be following the law? Jesus himself said he wasn’t here to abolish it. But then we are also told that we are saved through our faith. And so, if we have faith, does following or not following at all times the laws concerning sin condemn us or take away our salvation? And what about Jesus telling us it’s not what goes into the body, but what comes out of it that makes us unclean? If two men express their love, in marriage, by having sex, is this really an unclean act—if they do this out of their love for each other?

Who’s right today? Is the Catholic Cannon, the King James Version, or the NIV, among a dozen or more other versions of the bible, the right one, or most accurate one to adhere to? One group says infant baptism is right, another says it isn’t? Who is right? One group practice the sacraments, another doesn’t. Who is right? One group says to tithe, while another says to give from the heart. Who is right? One group says you are saved by faith alone, while another says you must have faith accompanied by good deeds. Who is right? I mean, I could go on and on with this line of questions. Are the Catholics right; the Baptists; the Methodists; the Non-Denominationals; who?

Am I trying to rationalize something I know is wrong? No. I don’t know whether the thing I want is wrong or not anymore. I don’t know if the things people thousands of years ago believed was wrong really were wrong—so many other things aren’t considered to be anymore. The definition seems to change from time to time and place to place.

And am I an emotional, feelings based person? Yes. I know I am. But what is really wrong with this? I’m not saying that if I didn’t feel God’s presence that I accept He’s not there. I believe He’s always with me. But there are times when I don’t feel His presence, and during those times it is so much harder to fight. It does make me feel alone. And even when I pray anyway, and continue trying to do what’s right, it doesn’t alleviate how I feel or the fact that those feelings make it harder to deal with things. If I say I feel something, felt something, believe something, or did something or reacted to something out of emotions, it is only because I am being truthful and accepting of what’s going on inside of me, rather than being numb, blind, or ignorant. I don’t always do everything based on my emotions. I know at times I do, and this is sometimes a problem. But when or if I speak of my feelings, it is me trying to get out simply what is going on inside of me. My actions are not always dictated by how I feel. If that wasn’t true, I’d have left Christ long ago, screwed at least a dozen other men, murdered someone, lied a million and one times more than I ever have, killed myself, or any number of any other incredibly horrendous things by now. And so, if I write a lot about my feelings, please keep this in mind. And if you see where I’ve acted on my feelings, wrongly, don’t be afraid to question me about it. But just make sure of what I’m really trying to get out.

Do I have certain preconceived notions about God? Yes, I believe, rightly or wrongly, I do. I believe God loves me unconditionally. I believe God is always willing to forgive me when I ask him to. I believe God gives me direction, and has led me throughout most of my life. I believe God gives me strength and wisdom. I believe God has blessed me richly. I believe God wants to know me, and wants me to know Him. I believe God works to help people who so desperately need him. I believe he can use anyone to His benefit. I believe He can and does reveal himself to us through so many ways. I believe God is all knowing, all powerful, and everlasting. I believe God is the creator of all things. I believe God is patient. And I believe, with God, all things are possible. Those are my preconceived notions about God.

When it comes to accountability, I have nobody I feel comfortable with confiding in. I’ve had many different accountability partners before. None were really ever able to help me and none ever really acted as though they really wanted to. That is, none wanted to be in it with me for the long run. To an extent, I’ve actually been looking at this blog as a substitute of sorts lately just to help in this area.

And in all of this, what do I want?

I want to go to bed and wake up in the morning beside the man I’ll spend the rest of my life with. I want someone I can come home to. I want someone who’ll love me no matter what. I want someone I can cook for. I want someone I can hold hands with, kiss, and hug. I want someone I can curl up next to and watch a movie with. I want someone I can travel the world with. I want someone who will know I’m his no matter what. I want someone I can trust and confide in. I want someone I can spend the holidays with and spend time with his family. I want someone who will care for me when I’m sick. I want someone I can be happy with—even when times are bad. I want someone who will believe and worship in God alongside of me. I want to be married to another man. I want to love and be loved, and to dedicate my body and soul to that person. That’s what I want.

Some would call this selfish; that I’m thinking only of myself. I find this so condescending and hypocritical. When a straight woman wants these things, she isn’t called selfish. Her wants are said to be good. But when I want these things, because I am a homosexual man, it is said to be selfish. How is it selfish, or evil, for me to want to spend my life with someone? And not just as a friend, but as a real this-person-is-your-other-half-in-all-ways lifelong partner.

I may not know for certain if what I want is wrong, but I know that it is only common and natural for people to want to be with others this way. Unlike most men, I just do not want to be with a woman.

So, that’s where I’m at right now. You can wrap all this stuff up together and surely see why I’ve been so completely conflicted. And, really, this isn’t even considering all of the personal issues I’ve been dealing with lately.

In all, please just pray for me. And forgive me if I seem a bit on edge. It has been a hard day, I’m tired, and... well, just pray for me. I do want your thoughts/comments/advice/words of wisdom/etc., so hopefully I’ve not scared anybody off yet. I really do appreciate your all’s comments on such things.