Unattached

My mom recently told me she thought I was holding myself back. She thought I was adding too many restrictions to myself—that I won’t do this thing for this reason or that thing for that reason, etc—and not taking enough risks. I know the reason she said this was mostly because she wants me to be able to find a better job and to have more opportunities to do things. I have to admit that I felt somewhat bothered by what she said though.

I know it is true that in some ways I have actually held myself back. I think I’ve had some really good reasons in doing so, but I also know that holding myself back is not entirely the reason why I haven’t moved along in life as much I should have, or would have wanted or liked to, by now. I have taken many risks and stepped way beyond my comfort zone many a time. But I have also come up against personal politics, a lack of job openings, and in some circumstances, my own ignorance. My circumstances, to some extent, have just been largely out of my control. I haven’t liked this. I’ve hated it, I’ve prayed relentlessly about it, I’ve worried about it, I’ve asked for advice, I’ve taken advice, I’ve tried to learn from past mistakes, and I honestly feel like I’ve tried my best with all of it. It just hasn’t been good enough though.

When Mom said what she did, it just made me feel like I wasn’t good enough. With what she said, along with a few other things that has happened in the last few months, I feel like she blames me for not being further along. When it comes to holding myself back, yes, I will admit that in some ways I have. I don’t want to move a hundred miles away or to another state. I like where I live. Besides that, I absolutely hate the thought of being away from my family like that. I know I don’t have enough courage to be so completely on my own, so far away from family and friends. Keeping those things in mind, I have held myself back some.

I tried explaining some of this to Mom. She understands, but not fully. She’s never really liked living around here, so she just thinks I’m nuts for actually liking it. She told me she thought I was lucky (Me? Lucky? I couldn’t wait to hear her thoughts on this). She said I was lucky because I didn’t have any attachments. I don’t have a wife, I don’t have any kids, I don’t have family right now that just has to have me around, I’m not in school anymore, I’m not indebted in any way to anyone or anything that would keep me from moving… all in all, I’m free to go where I please and do as I wish.

I’ve thought about all of this a lot. I know my Mom is right. I do have that sort of freedom right now. But in knowing this, I can’t help feeling somewhat sad about it and in some ways not wanting it. I honestly thought I was needed more, and it kind of sucks to find out that apparently others don’t think so. And that just makes me feel so unappreciated for the things I have done for them. I know this isn’t what my Mom wanted me to feel, but it does make me question just how close we really are, and how close I might be to others.

I know what my goals are, what my dreams are, where I eventually want to wind up, and I do believe I am on course for getting where I want to be in life. But it is slow going. And it is easy to want to give up. The trick is to not give up though. I believe the worst thing I could do right now is to just run off any ole place just to get a quick fix. It wouldn’t be a fix. It would just be some short term solution, throwing me off course, and causing me more problems than not.

I know my Mom wants good things for me, and I know she is tired of seeing me try for something that is so slow achieving (and it has been tough), but in this one regard I do believe she is wrong about what I should do. I honestly do believe that if I just keep building up, keep working hard, and keep having faith and patience to get where I’d like to go, I will eventually get there. And that option will be so much better for me and for others around me than taking some short term quick fix.

Having said that, I do feel tired though. I know I’m not doing certain things right, and I’m not just talking about in trying to find a job. The thing is, I really haven’t wanted to care about a lot of things that I know I should care more about. I’m tired of caring. And I know how horrible that sounds, but it is the truth. I’m so tired I just don’t want to care. In this, I know I need God’s strength. But it goes much further than that. I just don’t feel right.

I keep trying not to think too far ahead, but to rather take one day at a time. In this, I know I need God’s hope. I know that’s something I’ve not felt much of lately: hopefulness.

And I know I’m having a hard time dealing with loss. In the last few years, I’ve lost a lot of things. Things I cherished in my childhood, things that shaped how I think and feel about myself, dreams and goals for my future… my grandma. I miss my grandma terribly. She was such an important part of my life. She lived across from me almost my entire life. I was so used to seeing her and being around her. Now that she’s gone, a part of my life just seems empty. I feel like a part of me was torn away. I feel that way really in all the things I’ve lost.

And I hate getting older. I’ve never liked the thought of it. I don’t want to lose people. I don’t want to see one dream after the next come crashing to an end. I don’t want to see and feel my body age.

I turned 30 this last spring. I think it shows on my face. I do look older, more worn, less energetic. My hair keeps getting grayer, my eyes tired, my joints more sore. It terrifies me, the thought of getting older. Even worse, however, is the thought that I will not live to be very old. I have always had a very strong feeling that I won’t live a long life. This, to some extent, is an even more terrifying thought, because it makes what time I do have seem all the more urgent. And I feel as though I’ve wasted, intentionally and unintentionally, a lot of that time. At this point, I had hoped to be so much further along than I am. All combined, however, either outcome makes me somewhat panicked feeling about my future.

“And which of you by worrying can add a single hour to his life's span?” – Luke 12:25

I think about this verse a lot. I know I’m worrying too much. In this, again, I know I need God’s strength and hope. I need faith, too, that everything, regardless of outcome, will be as it should in the end.

How much longer must I wait though? How much longer before I can begin living as I’d like to live? Will that day ever come? If not, then what? How do I accept my life being something I don’t like?  I find all of these questions beyond my answer, but ones that carry so much weight.

My mom may be right. Maybe I do hold myself back too much, and maybe I don’t have any attachments. But that’s not what I want, or how I wish it was. Regardless of any faults I might have, this is not where I’d hoped to be in life. This is not how I had hoped my life would be. And yet, even in that thought do I find conflict, realizing that maybe what I want really isn’t in some way what is best for me. Again, how do I come to accept this? When will God ever lay this upon my heart, if it is true?

Perhaps what I really need to do right now, more than anything, is to try to learn how to be better content with the present. God, I know I need your help though.

Exodus No More

I think the earliest I ever realized I liked other guys in a romantic sense was when I was in the fifth grade. I was sitting out on the playground with a few friends and one of them started talking about and making fun of “queers” and “fags” (those were his words). I remember not really knowing what he was talking about, and so I asked him. He said it was guys who like other guys. At that moment, I knew exactly what he was talking about. I’d already been noticing other guys in that way. What I learned from this is that if I didn’t want to be made fun of or lose any friends, I’d better keep my thoughts to myself. More than that, I learned that I didn’t want to be gay.

Throughout middle school and high school, I was made fun of a lot by other guys who thought I was gay. There were lots of jokes and innuendos. Maybe no more than anyone else experiences, but it was still enough to make me feel as though there was something wrong with me.

I heard people at church and at home, friends, and family alike, talk about how homosexuality is a sin. I read the bible and concluded the same thing. I believed it is, and to some extent still believe it might be, a sin for two men to be in a sexual relationship with each other. But I believed something far worse, too. I believed it was sinful simply to have those sorts of attractions. I believed there was something about me that wasn’t supposed to be. I believed there was something wrong with me.

After high school, I experienced a really lonely and confusing time in my life. And it got so bad—I struggled so bad—that I very nearly took my own life. Thankfully, I was too scared to do it, and cared too much for my family to put them through such a thing, to carry it out. Thankfully, God heard my prayers for help and guided me back onto solid pavement.

After a very poignant rescue, and another month or two of thinking things through, I determined not to worry anymore about being gay. I realized if God would save my life as He did, that He must not have abandoned me. I knew in my heart that even if others may hate me for being gay, God didn’t. I felt a great deal of hope from that, and I used that hope to turn my life around. I put aside thoughts of taking my life, worked to build up my faith, to work harder on finishing goals in life, and to simply try my best not to give into temptations to sin. I determined that so long as I wasn’t actually giving in to my desires to be with another man, the temptations I felt to do that were nothing more than temptations. I determined that those temptations were not sinful in and of themselves. I still, however, cared about what others might think of me. So, I still tried to keep my sexuality to myself.

In 2005, my brother found out I was gay. His response was one of total rejection. It meant a lot then, and it still means a lot to me now, what my brother thinks. His response literally threw me into one of the worst states of depression I’ve ever been in. It opened up many old wounds and made me question a lot of my decisions. It made me question the hope I’d previously found. And it made me determine more than ever that I didn’t want to be gay anymore.

I ended up at a point where I knew I needed help. I knew I needed to be able to talk to someone about my struggles with homosexuality. But I couldn’t bring myself to actually do any talking with anyone about it. I went online instead and eventually came across Exodus International. I read the testimonies and some of the books listed on their website and connected to their message.  I felt understood for the first time in my life.

I eventually found a wonderful Christian minister through Exodus who was willing to counsel me. He was actually willing to listen to me. He was never judgmental. He never pushed me do anything I didn’t want to do or wasn’t willing to try. He was just kind to me. He offered advice, encouragement, prayers, and a shoulder to lean on. I owe him so much for the help he gave me.

Yesterday, I found out Exodus International will be shutting down.

I don’t know exactly how to feel about this. On one hand I feel a profound sadness about it; sadness, because I know how much I was helped through Exodus, and how much others have been helped by them. On the other hand, I feel it is for the best.

I can’t deny what help, what hope, strength, encouragement, and wisdom I gained through Exodus. They helped me not only feel more understood, but for me to understand myself better as well. I made friends through them. I started this blog (in a roundabout way) because of them. Knowing all of this, I don’t see how I can ever completely say that Exodus’ closing is a good thing.

However, I will concede that Exodus’ closing may truly bring about a great deal of good. I know not everyone Exodus worked with was helped as I was. Seeing so many negative responses toward Exodus now and throughout the last few years, it really has made me wonder if maybe I simply lucked out for some reason. I do believe, perhaps, that I understood their message slightly differently than most others. I was never told that changing my sexuality should be a real goal of mine, only that it was possible for God to bring about such a change—and that if it happened, it would be His doing above any efforts of my own. Perhaps others were told something different, or perhaps they understood it differently than I did, I don’t know. But I will say now, as I have many times before, that Exodus’ approach was not the best.

Reparative therapy is not the best approach to use when dealing with someone struggling with their sexuality. Exodus used, believed in, and advocated those practices throughout the years. I don’t believe they work. That is, I don’t believe they can ever really help bring about a change in one’s sexual orientation. The only reparative therapies I was ever willing to engage in were gender role related, and I can say that they helped me better understand myself and know how to better relate to other men. Rather than be a sort of blank slate as I felt I was beforehand, they helped me figure out and embrace those things I like best about being male. But these therapies, I certainly do believe can and have brought about a lot of pain for a lot of people, including false hope.

What I would really like to see happen out of Exodus’ closing is that a new bridge can be created between the Church and LGBT individuals. I would love to see those who worked for Exodus, or who was helped by Exodus, go forth and bring awareness to those issues which unnecessarily, undesirably, and regrettably separate LGBT individuals and otherwise from inclusion in the Church. Reading the reasons for which Exodus is being closed, I do find some hope that that will happen. For that reason, I can’t be too very sad to see Exodus come to an end. From its death, I see and hope for a new birth—the result being something far better than what was before.

With that in mind, I pray, “Lord, please help your Church be able to better reach out to others. Please help us to make a positive difference in the lives of others and to show them your love and grace. Please help us to better understand each other, Lord, and to be more accepting, forgiving, and smarter in our dealings with others. In your son Jesus’ name I pray. Amen.”

Legal

It occurs to me that one of the greatest frustrations and struggles I’ve had in my adult life is to avoid certain sins I am prone/tempted to commit. At times I have had great success at resisting these sins. Other times, I have failed miserably.

I used to get really depressed every time I had a fall. I would try really hard not to, would make it for some time, and then would inevitably have a stumble. And I’d beat myself up over and over again for each little stumble I had. I’d pray for forgiveness, try again, have some success for a time, and then fall again. It was a horrible pattern that I couldn’t seem to break free of. And I’d listen to people tell me and others that it just takes time, that I was probably just setting myself up to fail somehow, and that if I’d just pray harder, fight harder, believe harder, and have greater patience, I would eventually reach a point of not sinning but very rarely, or being able to avoid certain sins altogether.

That hasn’t worked.

I’ve thought a lot about why I haven’t been able to completely keep myself from sinning. Why haven’t I had greater success? I think the answer is simple: I am a fallen human being, stained by sin, tempted by the devil, and made weak. I cannot do anything on my own to bring about my salvation, nor (more likely) totally go without ever sinning again. With this in mind, I think if humans were capable of ever completely resisting sin in the first place, then why did we need Jesus? We wouldn’t have. We would all have simply been able to uphold every letter of the law at all times and would have been saved by our own doing. We couldn’t do that though. We needed Jesus to save us. We needed a new covenant.

When I look back at the last several years I can see that more often than not I was trying to live up to the old law, looking at my faith in a very legalistic mindset—that if I’d just say and do all the right things, I would be okay. The problem with that mindset is that it devalues the sacrifice Christ made for each of us. He saved us, taking our sins upon himself, and offering us forgiveness and grace. We are not bound by the old laws. When we act as though we are, as if our salvation is dependent upon our following the law in the strictest sense, we make Christ’s sacrifice meaningless.

Jesus made things very simple for us. He told us to love God with all our hearts, souls, and minds. He told us to love our neighbors as ourselves. And He told us to believe and have faith. He also instructed the people he helped and taught to “sin no more”. On this point, was Jesus telling us we could and should never sin again? Or was he telling us to simply try our best not to sin anymore?

I believe both.

I believe with Christ’s help, it is possible for a person to never again sin. However, I also believe that, for reasons known only to Him, we may not always be given the help we need to stop sinning. I believe this because I know how hard I have tried and how hard others have tried, desperately tried, only to wind up failing. In the past I’ve tried to the point of near insanity (and I mean this in the most literal sense), and hated myself fiercely for any failings. And I was wrong to do this.

I get really frustrated with Christians who seem to believe that people should never sin, and who judge, belittle, and condemn anyone, including themselves, who do occasionally sin. I despise the attitude that church is only for sinless people. And yet, that is such a prevalent attitude among so many Christians. I’ve witnessed this firsthand myself. And what damage do Christians cause by having this attitude? How many prospective Christians do they run away from Christ by having such a legalistic mindset? How much damage do they cause themselves by their arrogance and lack of humility?

One thing I’ve learned the last few years is to not beat myself up so badly every time I have a fall. I’ve tried in earnest to change my attitude from one of legalistic adherence to one of accepting love, forgiveness, patience, and grace. I am not a perfect person. And I may never be a perfect person the whole time I walk this earth, regardless of however hard I try to be. That doesn’t mean I shouldn’t try, but just that whenever I come up short, it’s not the end of the world. There is still great hope for me.

Trust is something else I’m trying really hard to learn. Not so much trust in other people, which I have worked on some, but to let go and fully trust God—to believe that He will lead me and guide me in life to where I need to be, to what is best for me and Him. Doing this has certainly helped to bring about a lot less worry in my life. It has also helped me to accept and believe in His promise of forgiveness, to know that I am not damned by a single wrongdoing, but offered redemption instead.

“Lord, I pray you will look after all those struggling to overcome sin. I pray you will lead them and comfort them, and forgive them when they are weak. Give them the patience to endure, and the trust to continue following you no matter what. Help me in this same regard, Lord, and in all other ways you know I need it. And please also help the church to better know how to welcome and work with people of all backgrounds toward your glory, Lord. In your son, Jesus’, name I pray. Amen.”

China Doll

A few weeks ago, I went with my family to see Oz: the Great and Powerful. Overall, I really enjoyed this sort of prequel to 1939’s The Wizard of Oz. One thing I particularly found memorable was a scene with a little China Doll character.

At the beginning of the movie, Oz (the Wizard), while performing a “magic” act, unintentionally convinces a little girl in a wheelchair, and her family, that he has the ability to make her walk again. They plead with him to help her, but he knows he is unable to and quickly leaves off stage, telling them he cannot help. Later in the movie, while in the Land of Oz, Oz comes across a small China doll whose legs have been broken off after an attack by the wicked witch. She is saddened by the loss of her legs and thinks she’ll never be able to walk again—this is an obvious parallel to the little girl in the earlier scene. Hoping to help her, he uses some glue from his bag of tricks to reattach her legs. After some shaky first steps, she is once again able to use her legs and walk. She is overjoyed with happiness for what he has been able to do for her—something that he could not do for the little girl in real life.

It is such a sweet, innocent scene, and it warmed my heart. It got me to thinking about how much most of us wish we could do more good in this world than what we often have time or the ability to do, and yet, in the Land of Oz, all things are possible. It reminds me that with God all things are possible; and even if things are not always as we’d wish them to be, we should always have hope for better things.

Something else it got me to thinking about though is how we are sometimes better off in certain places, or under certain circumstances, than we are in others. I really do believe that there is a place for each of us, a purpose for each of us, and that, even though it may take us some time to find our places in life, they will eventually be revealed to us. Oz’s place was not amongst the people of real life, but amongst the people of Oz. Columbus’s place was not to stay and farm the rich land of Europe, but to explore and find a whole new world and other civilizations. Jesus’ place was not to stay amongst the people of Nazareth, but to venture out and save the world. We are all meant for something. And even if that something is small and appears to be of little significance in comparison to others, it is assuredly of more importance than most of us could ever possibly understand.

I think sometimes about what my place is—where am I best suited for and what am I best suited to do? Even though I think living in a rural, conservative place is annoying or frustrating at times, I know in my heart it is where I am meant to be. Even though I love building houses and furniture and designing things, being a teacher is what I am meant to do. Even though my family sometimes makes me want to scream, I know we are a perfect match for each other.

In a lot of ways, I feel like I have figured out my place and purposes in life. But with that said, I still wonder what God has in store for me. I wonder where He will lead me, or what he will have me doing, or who he will have me being around. I wonder what direction my life will take (so long as I continue allowing Him to guide me and have hope).

Where is your hope? Where is your place? What is your purpose in life?

So Long, 2012

It always amazes me just how much can take place in a year’s time. This year, in a lot of ways, has felt like a lot of years all rolled into one. That is to say, it has felt like a very long year. It is also one in which I will be glad to see come to an end.

This year, a lot like the one before it, was not a very good one. For much of the whole first half of it, I suffered one of the worst bouts of depression I’ve ever had. It was mostly in response to my grandmother’s death and all the things we had to go through in dividing her property, missing her terribly, dealing with the emotions of myself and others, and learning to live without her (it still tears at my soul just thinking about her—recognizing how great a loss her death has presented, knowing just how much she was a part of my life). But it was just a very difficult experience, and it quickly sent me headfirst into a depression the likes of which I hope I will never experience again. I had trouble sleeping a lot of nights, and when I did, I’d dream of some of the worst things imaginable. I overate to find comfort. I cried enough to fill up a small lake. I didn’t want to be around people, and isolated myself much of the time. None of it was worth a second go around.

The summertime of the year wasn’t much better. I’d worked really hard to achieve two particular job openings at work, at the end of the school year, and wasn’t considered for either one of them. This was after I’d had virtually every worker at the place tell me they thought I’d get one of the jobs. I thought I had a really good shot, too. It wasn’t meant to be though, and the way it happened, it just really bothered me. It was a deliberate snub. That, too, was something hard to get over.

I’ve also had some of the worst fights with my parents and brother this year—particularly with my brother. To listen to him, it was my fault I didn’t get a better job, it was my fault that I felt bad, it was my fault that my grandma died, it was my fault that the sun is hot. You name it, and it was my fault. Thankfully, he lost this attitude somewhere around the time school started back. If he’d have given me anymore grief, I’d have probably chucked him out the door.

It has also been a very difficult year financially. I’ve had to scrap by on pennies more times than I can recall this year. I’ve had financial aid payments from college to start paying back, a lack of work through the summer, and a reduction in my pay rate at work due to budget cuts. So, needless to really say, this has been somewhat of a constant worry.

It was also a very political year. I follow politics quite a bit, so I was all about the primaries in the spring and the presidential election in the summer and fall. If you’ve been following me much this last year, you will know how I feel about how that turned out.

Overall, things have improved the last two or three months though. I’ve been in better spirits, trying to keep my hopes up, and everyone in my family has tried to get along with each other much more. I’ve been out of that state of depression for a few months now—thankfully. I’m not in the best shape financially speaking, still, but I do see hope that that will turn around soon.

So much has happened this year though. And I’ve seen myself age somewhat through it all. There have been bad memories, but also some very good memories as well (and I don’t mean to discredit any of them). There have been dreams, or goals, met, made, and lost. There have been tough decisions to make and easy decisions to make; fun things to do and not so fun things to do. But all I can say is that I hope this next year is a better one. I will remain hopeful that it will be--and not be so superstitious as to allow the “13” part of it get in the way of it being a good one. :)

I wish everyone else the very best throughout this next year, too. May it be a truly blessed one.

This is for Eric (200th Post)

One thing I’ve always hoped my blog would be is a source of help, hope, and learning for others. I’ve always thought that if people could see the journey I’ve been on and how I’ve responded (both positively and negatively) to the issues I’ve faced in life, then they might find some sense of comfort, understanding, compassion, or hope in their own journeys, and in dealing with others facing similar situations.

With that in mind, I thought it fitting to share Eric’s video (above) with all of you. Here is a man, just 28 years old, dying from leukemia. For the last few years he has been chronicling his battle with that disease online. He has brought much awareness to what all a person with leukemia goes through, and has even raised money to help others who are going through it as well.

I can’t imagine the sort of emotions he is facing right now. Stress, worry, fear, panic, anger, frustration… what else? Hopelessness? Maybe a growing sense of peace?

When I think of dying, fear is usually one of the first things I think about. I fear death. I fear it because I don’t know what will happen. As a Christian, I believe I’ll go to Heaven and be with God and family and friends. But even in believing these things, death is something that frightens me. There are things I want to be able to experience in this world before I die. There are people I don’t want to feel sad or to be burdened by me no longer living. I wonder if it will hurt, or if I’ll know what is happening when it happens. Or if I’ll even be able to be brave about it. And then I have to admit that I also worry about being wrong. What if there really is no God and no Heaven, and once this life is gone, that’s it? That in the end, all that we are is lost in a single moment.

I like being planned and knowing, or at least being able to anticipate, what is going to happen. Death doesn’t exactly cooperate with me in that. I don’t know when I will die. And I don’t know how it will happen. I don’t even know what exactly will happen when it happens. It is all just an unknown. And even though it is certainly a part of life—to someday die—it is still something which I think most of us would agree we do not look forward to. Most of us would rather live. But when you know you are about to die, that must be incredibly difficult; especially when you are young, knowing there is so much more to life that you could experience, but won’t.

My heart aches for Eric. I know sometimes I get really down because of some of the things I’ve gone through/go through, but none of that is comparable to what Eric has faced. He has battled his illness for years, and now it is finally claiming his life. I wish he could get better. I’m going to be praying for him to get better, somehow. But if he doesn’t, I know the matter is in God’s hands. I believe firmly that everything happens for a reason. We may not always know what that reason is, but I believe God is at work in all things that we do and in all that happens to us. He can use anything bad of this world and transform it into something so good that it is beyond anything we could ever imagine. I just hope He will grant Eric some level of peace, hope, and understanding, and that he will know how his living has made a positive impact on others.

Please all of you pray for Eric and his family. I’d say they could really use our prayers right now.

Being Faithful

Hope and faith are two incredibly powerful things.  Both are essential for a positive outlook on life, and both can help lift you out of some of the most dismal situations you could ever experience.

I want to be hopeful.  I want to continue to believe that God has a future in store for me that is worth living.  And I want to be faithful to God as I wait for that life to unfold.

It is hard to do these things sometimes.  Keeping hope when all seems lost is a virtue beyond a great many people.  It’s something I struggle with sometimes.  And being faithful in light of such things can just seem useless.

But if we keep our hope and keep our faith in God, God will always see us through in the end; one way or another.  He is our greatest refuge, our greatest source of strength, our best friend, our best love, and our best ray of hope.

When we feel hopeless and faithless, the best thing we could ever do is to hold onto God with all our might.  We just have to believe.  And if we do that, He WILL see us through whatever hardships we face.

Better Days

A few years ago when I was struggling to the point of just not even wanting to live anymore or wake up in the morning, this was one of a few songs that really did help lift me up. I still love this song, but it is hard for me to listen to now because it reminds me of just how awful I did feel. I am usually reminded of one particularly painful day when I was coming home in the evening, crying in my car, and this song came on the radio on K-LOVE. But there is just so much hope in this song. If you're having a rough patch, maybe it will help give you some hope as well for some truly better days to come. This is Better Days by the Robbie Seay Band. Enjoy.

Sentimental

I may be giving myself away a little, but at this point I really don't care so much. I had to work late the other night and before leaving I decided to go for a little stroll around the dock where I work. The sun was just setting over the hillside and our customers had all turned in for the evening. The air was cool and soothing after the heat of the day. The water was perfectly still. The moon was shining bright across the water, and the stars were already coming out. I looked out onto the main body of the lake and suddenly felt lucky for having been assigned to work during this time. The beauty God had created all around me simply amazed me. Everything seemed so peaceful and calm, and I couldn't help but feel relaxed.

My mind soon began wandering, and I began thinking upon all the time I'd spent working there. I remembered all those tasks performed, all the coworkers who had come and gone, and all those good times and bad. It wasn't long until I began yearning for the past. I kept thinking about all those people who I'd worked with over the last few years. So many of them have gone on to other things, and I rarely see most of them anymore. In thinking about that, I remembered the guy I fell in love with a few years ago. I know there was no way I could have ever been with him—he wasn't/isn't gay. But I know I fell for him harder than anyone else I've ever known. He was a Christian, smart, funny, cute, kind, everything I ever looked for in another guy, and the more I was around him the more I loved him. I almost wanted to cry just thinking of him. I still see him from time to time, but it's far and few times between. When I do see him, it's not like it used to be. We're more along the line of acquaintances now than friends. I miss him. And I'll admit, I can't help but wonder sometimes what could have been had he felt the same about me. It's very likely that had he had feelings for me, I'd have gladly been his boyfriend. Who knows what different course that would have led me?

I don't just miss him though. I miss a lot of people. I've reached a point where I hate so very much having to say goodbye to people. I know from experience that once I do that, I'm very likely never or rarely to see that person again. Because of that, I hate having to say goodbye. I have that fear that when I do, I'll never see that person again. This is one of the main reasons why I've questioned my decision to become a teacher. You spend an entire year getting to know your students and then they move on in life while you stay put. It's a kind of sad profession in that sense. Not to say that it isn't extremely rewarding in other regards, but it's just that you lose people on a yearly basis who you've spent so much time with getting to know and love, and it hurts whenever you lose those you love—in whatever context that may be.

I think sometimes I must be the most sentimental person in the world. I have a great tendency to hold onto the past and long after it. I think back to good times and wish I could revisit them. I see a familiar spot alongside the road and just have to pull over. I think of people who have moved on in life and wish I could be around them again. I keep everything, because everything has a meaning and a story to it. I'm a real pack rat that way.

I know it's been hard for me to move forward in life because of that. I know my life could be a whole lot different in so many ways if I could just let go of the past. I know I let my past hold me back so much of the time. I may have found a better job, church, place to live, etc. by now if only I could have put aside the past and charged forward into the future.

Maybe there's fear there. Maybe I'm afraid of change. Maybe I'm afraid of the future. Maybe I'm afraid that what lies ahead won't be as good as what lies in the past or in the present. I think it's just that a lot of my past hasn't been what I'd call great. As a means of escaping real life, I've tended to lose myself in the thoughts of what were good times, and I long for those times and for what reminds me of them. I guess I just like the familiar and like to hold onto what's been dear to me. The places where I've lived, worked, went to school, church have all contributed to such a large part of who I am. My identity lies, in part, with these things and the people I've been around. To lose these things, I feel as if I lose a part of myself, or who I am.

I know I'm awfully sentimental this way. More than I should be. Sometimes it's just hard for me to shake my memories. And maybe in some ways that's actually a good thing more than a bad thing. I've learned it does help to think of the good times during the bad ones. There's hope in doing that. I just hope there'll be more good ones ahead.

I then began thinking about what job I may have five, ten, fifteen years from now. I wondered where I might be living. I wondered if I'd have a family of my own by then, or if I'd have completed writing what would hopefully be a bestseller novel, or accomplish any of the other hopes and dreams I've had. And as I looked out at the lake and thought again of God's beauty, I just felt His reassuring me not to worry, that there would indeed be plenty of good times ahead, new friends to make, and plenty of new memories to have and to hold onto.

I felt so at peace about that.

You're All I've Ever Wanted

Me: (Curious and hopeful) Jesus, do you love me?

Jesus: You know that I love you. I died for you, accepting a punishment you were meant to receive, all because of my love for you.

Me: But do you accept me? Do you really want to know me, or spend time with me? Seems sometimes like no one else does. And I'm afraid of what they think of me.

Jesus: When I received your punishment, I did that so we could spend all eternity with each other. Yes, Brandon, I want to know you. I want to be your best friend. I love you beyond words. As for others, don't worry so much about what they think.

Me: (Humbled, broken, crying, happy) Will you always be with me? Even when everything is so terrible and I can't seem to find you, and there's no one else?

Jesus: I'll always be with you. I'll never abandon you.

Me: (Hesitant) Sometimes... I just really do feel as though I'm not as good as other guys, like I'm not good enough. I feel so inadequate compared to them. I think that's one reason why I'm drawn to them. And I just feel so lonely so much of the time. People have told me you'll satisfy those feelings in me, but I'm not sure how you can do that. I'm not sure I can trust you to do that.

Jesus: I'll fill your heart, Brandon. I'll fill your spirit so full of hope and love and warmth that all those feelings of inadequacies and loneliness will fade away and become just a distant memory. But you'll have to trust you. I've never led you astray before, have I?

Me: No. But what about my past?

Jesus: I don't remember your past. Those things you did have been forgotten. And as for those hurts, I was always with you through those times, helping you through them. Even when you didn't think that I was. But it's not your past that I'm interested in. It's your future. I want you to be mine, and I want you to have a life and a future more glorious than you could ever imagine.

I know you want acceptance. I accept you, Brandon, with arms wide open. I love you eternally. Will you accept me and love me in the same way? Will you trust me? Will you be faithful to me, and give your life and everything about you to me, as I have given to you?

In one of my more recent posts I described what I wanted from another man. I want a man who will love me. I want a man who will accept me and want to spend time with me. I want a man who will take care of me, and who'll never leave me. I want a man who will help me and comfort me in all situations.

It occurred to me the other day that I already have a man like that in my life. Jesus loves me, unconditionally. He loves me so much He died for me, accepting a punishment upon Himself that only I should rightfully deserve. He accepts me as His own. He likes me for me. He wants to spend time with me—all eternity! He takes care of me in all situations. When I'm feeling bad or lonely He comforts me. When I need help He helps me. He's always there for me.

I think about times when I'm lonely. All I have to do is think of Jesus and I can feel His presence. I can feel Him sitting by my side, with His arm around my shoulder holding me near to Him. Days when I feel so far removed from other guys, when I just feel desperate for a hug or some sign of male affirmation, He is always the one who no matter what, comes to me and lets me know I belong. He tells me I'm good enough, that I'm not some sort of freak. He tells me that just because I'm not like other guys in some regards doesn't mean I'm something bad or that something's wrong with me. It just means I'm unique in my own ways, and He loves me regardless of those things. He accepts me. Those things don't turn Him away from me the way they have and sometimes do with other guys.

And I know that any tears in my eyes Jesus wipes away. There are times when I feel so low, when the whole world seems so heavy upon my shoulders, when I've cried until I can't cry anymore and feel so hopeless and empty inside, and Jesus always is the one who helps bring me out of that. He's always the one, who through His love for me, draws me out of those wretched places. He fills my heart and my soul with so much warmth and joy. It can actually make me feel giddy sometimes.

Jesus can provide everything I've ever wanted. He's the best companion I could ever hope to have. He loves me. He wants to spend time with me. When I'm lonely, I can talk with him, and He'll put his arm around my shoulder and hug me. He takes care of me and helps me through the difficult times. I don't need anyone else but Him. I only want Him. I realize no other man could ever possibly compare to Him. No other man could ever love me as much, or care for me as much, or do so much for me as He has.

These are new thoughts for me. I've often said some of these things before, but never because of this line of thinking or with having these sorts of feelings. I've spent years looking and hoping and searching for another man who'll love me. I've wanted so desperately to be held and to be taken care of. I've wanted a partner or companion with whom to share my life with. I've struggled terribly because I felt like I couldn't have that. And yet it's occurred to me that I could have had that all along. Jesus can be all that I've ever wanted. He can satisfy all of those desires.

My preacher in one of his latest sermons began talking about Adam and Eve and how the serpent had lied to Eve and confused her about God's commandments. While he was talking, I suddenly felt such a moment of great clarity. What if Eve was me and the forbidden fruit was a sexual relationship with another man? What if the serpent had said, “Surely there can be nothing wrong about that? Surely God is just withholding something good from you? Surely you will not suffer any negative consequences if you do that? Surely your love would make it okay? And then you'll know love as God knows love.”

I feel like I've been confused. I feel like somebody pulled the wool over my eyes and blinded me. All these years I've listened to the lies of Satan. I've listened to him tell me how great a thing a relationship with another guy can be, and how the Bible may not really say what so many claim it says. I've listened to him as He's accused God of being unfair to me and uncaring. I've believed those lies about myself—that I wasn't good enough, that I was different, that I was unlovable and that nobody cared about me. I let him convince me to be with another man. And then after all the negative consequences of that, I still listened and believed him when he told me I just had a bad experience and all I needed to do was find another man and that things would be better a second time around (or a third or a fourth or a fifth time). Well, I'm done with those lies. I don't need another man. I don't want another man. All I want is Jesus. I only want Him in my life. I only want what He tells me is good and true and worthwhile. And all the rest can just be thrown out with the trash. I'm done thinking of myself as a homosexual. I'm not going to think of myself in anyway regarding my sexuality. I'm a male, created in God's image, a beloved follower of His, a Christian, and that's that. Whatever I'm tempted to do sexually is not going to rule my life any longer.

And therein is a whole new struggle for myself. Actually, same struggle, but new outlook on it. If I'm going to commit myself to Christ, if He is going to be the only man in my life, then all the pornography, sexual activity, etc., has got to go and come to an end. Jesus asks no more from me in that regard than any other man would. So, if I'm going to be committed to Him, if I'm going to belong to Him, I can't very well be looking at other guys or doing things selfishly with my body. So those things will have to stop.

In a way, I could say that I'm married now, and Jesus is my husband. He may not physically be with me, but spiritually and emotionally He certainly is. He's in my heart. I love Him and I want to be completely committed to Him—only to Him. Like a woman waiting for her husband to come back from a distant land, I'm waiting patiently for Christ, my true love, to return for me someday. And I want to remain faithful to Him in all ways until that time.

I feel like I have what I've always wanted now.

Me: Jesus, thank you. Thank you for loving me. Thank you for wanting me. Thank you for absolutely everything. You're the best friend, the greatest love I could ever hope to have. You're everything I've ever wanted, and so much more than that.

Holding Onto the Past, and Moving Forward With God

I feel like I've been a fool here lately. I've thought very dumbly. To begin with, something I felt was a sin I asked others to convince me it wasn't. And sure enough, the result was that my mind got filled full of doubt and frustration and that distanced me from God. How stupid could I have been? Rather than ask others to convince me I'm wrong, I should have charged forward along this journey and asked God to lead me on the way. I'm really not one hundred percent certain homosexuality is completely wrong or sinful. I'll admit that. There are a lot of arguments out there that honestly do make me question if it might be okay for two men (or two women) to be with each other in a relationship. But the more I think about it, the more I know that would never work for me. My sinful nature keeps telling me I'd be so much happier being with another man. That little voice keeps telling me that I'd feel loved. It tells me I wouldn't feel lonely anymore. It tells me I'd feel better about myself and who I am. But the more I think about that the more I'm not so sure that'd be true. I might would feel more loved, but I realize even couples or married people can feel lonely and unlovable at times. And I know that what problems I have with myself nobody else can make me feel differently. This is something within me and the only way I'll feel better about myself or about who I am or how I am is to realize more fully how God feels about me. I have to change from within and not from without. All of those things I feel insecure about—my looks, mannerisms, the way I talk, what things I'm drawn to or tempted to do—are things that only God can give me peace or contentment or help with. No one else can do that. No other guy can do that. No boyfriend or romantic relationship could ever satisfy those wants and feelings within me. Only God can do that.

I think about that and my understanding of the bible, and I consider past homosexual experiences that never made me happy, and I realize living a homosexual lifestyle just isn't what God wants for me. My nature keeps telling me it is what I want, but God keeps telling me it isn't, that I shouldn't pursue it, that it won't make me happy. He keeps laying those feelings heavy on my heart.

I haven't been listening to God lately, or communicating to Him as I should have been. I know that's never a good thing, but I forget that at times. When things are going well I tend to forget about God. Then when things become bad it's hard for me to feel close to God and to reestablish a relationship with Him.

There are a lot of hurts I can't seem to let go of. I dwell on some of those hurts more often than I should. I try to push them to the back of my mind, but they keep coming forward. I remember times when other guys made fun of me and rejected me or wouldn't be friends with me. I remember times when my dad wouldn't have anything to do with me or abused me either physically or emotionally (and please don't think that my dad was a bad one. I know he did his best). I remember times when my brother wouldn't let me be his brother and made fun of me with his friends. I remember how frustrated and confused I was when I first started having sex with a younger friend when I was twelve. I remember times when I felt so lonely in school and no one would ever be my friend. I remember that week of fear at camp the summer before I started high school when some of the older guys made me take off my clothes down to my underwear, put a bra on me, and took pictures of me like that and mocked me. I remember all those times of depression when I cried until I couldn't cry anymore and felt so empty and alone and hurt that all I wanted to do was kill myself. I remember finally building up enough trust in my preacher to tell him about my struggles and asked for his help, and then he avoided me and made false accusations about me. And the list of hurts could go on and on.

I'm not mentioning these things in order to get anyone's sympathy. I mention these things because they're the things that's bothered me most. I've had a lot of trouble letting go of these hurts and moving on. And perhaps the reason that is, is because new and similar hurts keep coming up that remind me of these things. I keep trying to make friends with other guys and that's proved to be a somewhat difficult task for me. I keep going to church and trying to be more active there, but I know I can't be open with my preacher. I want to feel and be like straight guys, but every time I see a good looking guy and become aroused I'm reminded that I'm not. And that list of examples could go on and on as well.

It's hard for me to not look back. I know God wants me to let the past be what it was and to lay it aside and focus on the future instead, but sometimes that just seems so hard to do. I try to do that and then when new hurts arise and remind me of the past, I feel like God is breaking His promises. I feel it harder to trust Him when those new hurts come up. And then I feel alone. I'll admit I do have a bit of an independent streak. I like having those freedoms to not be tied down and to come and go as I wish. And I can embrace those feelings at times to the point where not even God can be let in. I push Him out. I feel hurt and betrayed and so I distance myself and take on a go-it-alone attitude. The last two or three years that's been one of the hardest things I've struggled with to keep myself from doing. I know life is going to have its ups and downs. There'll be good and bad. There'll be more hurts in the future. There's no escaping it. That's sadly the sort of world we live in. The important thing to remember is to always hold onto God whether times are good or bad. I have a tendency to forget that. And I have a tendency to forget my own responsibility in some of those bad times or hurts. I know that homosexual activity isn't good for me. It's never brought anything good into my life. But I continue to pursue it anyway. How crazy is that! When will I learn my lesson?

Maybe I should correct that last little bit somewhat. Because I've had homosexual feelings, I've been able to meet several wonderful and caring people. Some of you are those people. And I realize that if it wasn't for homosexuality, I'd probably have never met or known any of you. So, I suppose that's one good thing. Because of these struggles I've learned to be a little less judgmental of others. I've learned compassion and mercy and love for others. I want others to be treated by me the way I wish I'd have been treated more often by others. But really, that has nothing to do with homosexuality. That's what God has done for me. Without God I'd be a miserable, awful wretch of a person. I'd have no friends at all. I'd have nothing and be nothing and I'd be sinning nonstop. But with God, He helps me be a little less wretched and has certainly blessed me with more than I should ever deserve. Through my struggles, God has connected me with other people and worked through me to make me a better person. It's through His leading me that that's happened. I just need to let him lead me more. I have to trust Him and hold onto Him with everything I've got. He never lets go of me, so I should never let go of Him. I have to keep hoping.

Thanks everyone for your prayers. They've meant a lot. And in the future, please don't ever restrain speaking the truth to me.

Still Searching For Something

I find you watching me in that dull, dark place, behind closed doors.

I struggle to refrain as I see your loving face, so gentle so kind.

You whisper for me to put aside those lesser things.

I continue anyway.

I feel you breathing upon me, as I myself begin breathing more heavily.

I resist your nudging, urging me, pulling me away.

I continue viewing.

Those other bodies draw me in—my insatiable appetite never fulfills.

My pulse increases as my desires consume me.

I block you out of my mind completely; I force you away.

I remain in that dark, secret place.

When I've finally gone for as long as I can, to a point of shear exhaustion, I tire of my lusting.

I collapse in my own heat and sweat and begin wondering what it was all for.

Why did I block you out? Why did I view those things?

For what happiness does it ever bring me?

Oh, why didn't I listen to you, my friend, my brother, my Lord, my Savior, my everything?

Why couldn't I stop myself?

Why do these desires so utterly, entirely, so forcefully, envelop me?

I think of my own weaknesses, insecurities and struggles.

I see myself loveless, inadequate, guilt-ridden, and lonely.

I pray for forgiveness, but I feel that you've left me.

I keep expecting you to eventually forever forsake me.

But then I feel a hint of your love and my hope is renewed.

You raise my chin and tell me, “It's okay, my child.

I love you beyond words. I forgive you unconditionally.

Don't wallow in your self-pity any longer.

Fight it, resist it, you're my joy and my heritage.

I'll never forsake you or leave you to this.”

I go two days happy, maybe three at the most,

full of hope and new joy—a new commitment fills my soul and my mind.

I feel as though I'm floating above cloud nine, itself.

But then something happens.

I break and fall dangerously back downwards to earth.

And the longer I fall, the more I don't seem to care.

I close the door behind me once more, to secure my seclusion.

I power up the source and search wildly and endlessly,

craving something so badly I can't ever seem to behold.

I remember past lessons and attempt to go to Thee.

For I'm told you're the only one who could ever satisfy me so wholly.

But that doesn't seem to work. I can't make it work. Nothing seems to change.

And then I feel like I'm about to explode or go crazy,

so I run away from you madly, intently.

I come full circle again, back to my medication, my drug,

my quick fix to take care of that wanting so badly,

that which I know I cannot have.

Then the confusion sets in and my mind becomes hazy,

as the thoughts begin swirling about me.

I want something more, but I'm not sure what I want more.

Can't I have both? No, I don't think so. You tell me I can't.

But for how long should I struggle? For what answers will you give me?

What relief will befall me?

I want your love, but I want to be held.

I want someone to touch and to be with. I want companionship with someone.

And as much as I'm told that you'll fill that empty void, you seem to rarely come through.

Your love means so much to me, and I'll always choose you—at least in the end.

I know I can't escape you, no matter what I do.

You always bring me back to you.

But the other seems to always brings me back to it, too.

There's just no escape from either, no relief whatever I do.

Where is my other? Where is that special someone for me?

And if not he than she? Does this other person exist?

Do you have someone else for me?

When you took the rib from my body, did you create me a helper?

Did you make me a partner, a soul mate, a best friend and true love?

Or was it to no use?

Please tell me I'm not destined to be alone.

Don't leave me behind those closed doors, chasing shadows of strangers,

knowing those shadows aren't mine, and that I shouldn't be looking—

it's a poor substitute for something so much grander.

And it's that grander fulfillment I truly wish to require.

Please don't let this dream die.

I think I'd rather stay stuck in this cycle forever with what little hope I have left,

than to break free just a shell and all empty inside.

Something seems to be missing, Lord.

Something seems to be missing and you know I'm just trying to find it.

I'm just trying to find it. And the way I'm feeling right now, you know “it” is he.

If he's out there, lead me to him. If he's not, lead me away.

But lead me to someone or something, oh Lord,

because I'm so very tired of being locked behind these closed doors,

far away in that dark, drab place,

searching endlessly, desperately for what seems like will be forever in vain.

And I don't want to remain here forever, but I admit,

even forever right here, seems better than nothing or never—it's the next closest thing.

Perhaps what I really am after is a better me?

But whatever “it” is, please lead me to it.

Please satisfy this desire some way as only you can, Lord.

Please just take this feeling and do something with it.

The Snowmaker

I have to say I really do enjoy the snow. It comes in and covers over all the dark, gloomy, wet, nastiness that is so typical of the winter outdoors, replacing it with such beauty. The pure white just makes everything bright and fresh. The flakes falling through the air brings about such an excitement for me. It's almost like static in the air. There's just an energy about it that can't be described.

It's been said that more people suffer from depression during winter than at any other time of the year. I can see why sometimes. Everything just looks so depressing. The ground is wet and muddy, the sky is gray and cloudy, the trees are all leafless and bare, there are no flowers, it's cold, and daylight itself is cut short. It's just one of those gloomy times of the year. For that reason, of all the seasons, winter is usually represented as death. And death, in itself, is typically looked at as something depressing. Death is an end to life, and brings with it an incredible sadness. During winter, we see that all around us in nature. We see a loss of life.

I like the snow because it's a reminder of what Jesus can do for us when we let Him into our lives. He takes away all the darkness. He takes away all the ugliness. He comes in like the snow and covers over all that is bad and in such a beautiful way. I think God gives us the snow for the same reason He gave us Jesus. He knows that in the darkness, we need to see some light. In the ugliness of life, we eventually need to see some beauty. We need hope for something better.

And in the same way Jesus can transform the landscapes of our lives, in the same way He brings to life what is dead, we have the springtime to look forward to. And just like the snow, I believe God gives us the spring for the same reason He gave us Jesus. He knows that in death, we need life. In the darkness, we need light. In the ugliness, we need beauty. In the cold, we need warmth. Again, we have something better to look forward to. We have something to hope for.

In the winter, I look forward to the snow. It gives me hope for better days. It makes me feel alive. And I thank God for designing a world that would have snow. It would be hard to make it through a cold, drab winter without it.

I'm glad He knows just the right way to always lift my spirit. It's snowing right now, and it's just so beautiful!

I love every minute of it!

The Importance Of Friends (or: What Beats the Loneliness)

A few months ago, I got the following advice from Jay in response to the post I'd written titled Am I An Eleanor Rigby?:

“As for loneliness, I only have this advice that works for me. Memory is the biggest foil for loneliness. Remember your friends, your travels, your family, the times when you felt comfortable and at peace. Think about them often, and try to make new memories by seeking out friends and having a good time. When you're with them, enjoy the moment and be blessed! When you're not, remember that they're still out there and still love you. Right now an intimate relationship might be denied you, but you can find just as much validation and joy in your friends and family.

Feel better, and God bless.”

Jay, your advice has helped.

One thing I have struggled with a lot in my life is loneliness. Because of some of my low self-esteem/self-confidence issues, lack of social involvement with others as a child, and fears about people finding out about my struggles with homosexuality, I've had a tendency to hide myself in near complete isolation a great deal of the time—I can be a real hermit. In doing this, I've made myself so terribly lonely at times. Contributing to that feeling is the fear of being rejected by others. There have been a lot of people in my past that I have tried to reach out to and be friends with who simply wouldn't respond back to me. They didn't want to be friends with me, I guess. And I've tended to take that personally as something purely against me.

I don't think I realized it exactly, but shortly after high school, for about three or four years, I think I just quit trying to make friends. I tried to be friendly or nice to others, but I wasn't trying so much to make friends with anyone. I thought it was pointless for me to even try. So many people had turned away from me that I think I just didn't want to be hurt anymore. So, I just didn't try. I'd given up on that.

One of the first bits of advice I ever received from anyone at Exodus International was that I needed to try to build some good, healthy friendships. I think the man who suggested that to me could see into my life just enough to know how friendless I really was at the time. So, because of that, he pushed me to find friends, to try once again to make friends, and to not just give up on that effort. I believe he also told me that it might be hard for me, that there would probably still be people rejecting me in the matter, but that I shouldn't just give up on that effort and be friendless the rest of my life. I think he knew, rightly, too, just how important having friends would be for me in my fight to overcome homosexuality. That's definitely something I've learned. I couldn't do this without the help and support and prayers of other people.

Looking back over this last year, I can say it was certainly one of the hardest years of my life. My preacher, of all people, showed no interest of helping me, which made me question just how open about my struggles I could be with others and just how trusting I could be of my church. I took a job that stressed me out and literally just sucked the life out of me. I was depressed and frustrated, and in general was seeing my entire life get turned upside down and inside out and it just is a miracle to me that I never lost my sanity throughout it all (I think I came close to that a few times actually). But, it was just a very difficult year for me. There was a lot of change for me, and I've never been one to handle change very well; I tend to resist that. I've struggled to see myself differently, to see others differently, to give up certain sins—all sin in my life really, and to learn how to trust God and others in my life. And I have struggled with making friends. I've let my feelings get really hurt many times this last year while trying to be friends with people. I've taken things a little too personally a few times. But, as I look back, I realize I have made friends. Some of my employees showed me on a few occasions how much they liked me back this last summer. There was one particular day when I was feeling so down, and my boss was just railing at everything I did, and a few of them wrote me a little note, left it on my desk, telling me how much they appreciated me and were uplifting me and encouraged me by not only that but by including a verse from the bible on the backside of the note. The verse was this: “Blessed is the man who perseveres under temptation, for when he has stood the test, he will receive the crown of life that God has promised to those who love him.” (James 1:12) I was very moved by what they did, and I kept that note and reflected on it many times when things at work weren't going so well.

I was able to strengthen two former friendships as well this last summer. Two of my workers were people who I'd worked alongside of in previous years. I could often go to them and vent and also get advice, and I allowed them to help me be a better boss by listening to them. But, I also saw that the two of them always stuck by me. When everyone else seemed to be abandoning me there towards the end of things, they stuck by me. They cared and they helped me. I'll admit that bewildered me a little. I'm not used to people, other than family, doing that. And I realized by it that these two people are REAL friends. I only hope I can give back to them as much as they've given to me. I hope I can be and am being as good a friend to them in return. Like I already mentioned, I have a tendency to turn away from others and hide myself, so that's been something I've had to work through with them. It's like I keep expecting them to eventually turn away from me, so I have to keep stopping myself from turning away from them first (that's what I used to do to keep from being hurt).

I also found a friend in my Exodus counselor this last year. He's helped me so much in just being there for me and helping me work through some of the feelings of frustration and confusion I've had, but also to help motivate me to change my life for the better. I'm eternally grateful for him, and I thank God for leading him into my life. And I can say the same for my mentor through Setting Captives Free. Both of these men have helped me so much and really I don't know what I'd do without them.

I've also made several Internet friends. I took a chance back last winter, just before Christmas of '06, and sent an email to a nineteen-year-old college student in Maryland. He had been featured in his campus' newspaper for having stood up for his Christian convictions concerning his struggle with homosexuality during a “God hates Fags!” rally, in which he was not only called a “sodomite” by one of the speakers, but was also told he'd never get to heaven because of his homosexual temptations. He stood up to those people and “set them straight,” so to speak, and his college newspaper had decided to write an article about him and his struggles. I instantly admired him for being so open about his struggles, but also for having so much faith in God and for standing up so boldly for other Christians struggling with these things. I emailed him thanking him for what he'd done and offered him a bit of encouragement as well. I took a chance in doing that, because it was something I'd never done before due to a lack of trust for people over the Internet. But it's one chance I've never regretted. He responded back to me, and what has followed is a deep friendship that I cherish with all of my heart. I've made such a wonderful and godly friendship with him. Through that friendship, so many old wounds have been healed in my heart. We typically write back and forth to each other about once or twice a week, and we've done that for a little over a year now. My hope is that eventually I'll get to meet with my friend in person. But it's just been so great knowing him because we understand each other, can encourage each other, can lift each other up, pray for each other, and we actually do have a whole lot in common that we can talk about besides our struggles. I honestly do just love him to pieces. He's one of the best friends I've ever had.

I've made other online friends as well. I'd consider a great number of my fellow bloggers to be friends. I say that because you've been there for me and prayed for me and you've helped me by being so willing to share in this fight alongside of me. I've talked with a couple of you through email and I've made some good friendships there. You know who you are, and I'll thank you from the bottom of my heart for being friends with me. You're gifts from God, quite literally. And so are all of my friends.

Looking back, it sort of surprises me just how many friends I have made. I'd prayed for a long time for God to send people into my life, and I see where that's happening. I have friends now for the first time in my life! I have real, genuine friends who know me and like me and want to be around me. Sometimes that really does dumbfound me. I spent so many years thinking I wasn't worthy of friendship or of love. So many people had rejected me or made fun of me or turned away from me, and I think I was so full of self-hate as well for a few past actions that I just literally couldn't see how anybody could ever think otherwise about me. I thought I was unlovable. But I'm seeing where I was wrong for thinking that.

When it comes to loneliness, I continue to struggle with that at times—sometimes quite severely. But I know that when I try to do as Jay suggested and think back on all the good times, and to know that there are people who love me, who care about me, who do want to know me, and to know how God feels about me, the loneliness goes away. What's helped the most, really, is just finally realizing how God feels about me. He loves me—me, this horrible sinner who in no way deserves His love or anything else from Him! And that overwhelms me. I just try to think of all the good that really has been in my life, all those good times, all those good feelings, all those people who are my friends (even if I can't always be around them), my family and the warmth and love I've received from them, and how much God loves me and wants to spend time with me, and all those lonely feelings just go away. I thank Jay for his advice. It does help to think about these things, and to place them in my heart.

It just occurred to me that this is my fiftieth post, and I really can't think of a more befitting subject to have written about for this occasion than the subject of friendship. I'm glad I decided not to give up on making friends. It would have been so easy for me to have just accepted a lonely, friendless existence and lived the rest of my life in isolation. That would have been the easy thing to do. I'll admit, I think it's hard making friends. It's hard being a friend sometimes. For one, it's a two way street. Someone once told me, and I forget who, but they said, “In order to make friends, you must first be a friend.” I think that's great advice. How can a person make friends if they're not first willing to reach out and offer friendship to others? Or, for that matter, to respond back to people who offer you friendship? It can't be done. You have to reach out to others in order to make friends.

My hope is that all of you out there are making friends too and not just living lonely lives in seclusion. I hope you are at least trying to make friends, and have not given up. If you have given up, believe me, you're missing out on so much in life. Life is really hard living when you have no friends. When you have no friends, you have nobody to fall back on when the going gets tough, or who you can enjoy your life with, or get support or advice from, or love.

One of my favorite quotes is this: “No man is a failure who has friends”. That comes from the movie It's A Wonderful Life. And like George Bailey, the main character of that movie, I'm beginning to see just how wonderful my life is, and can be. I have hope now. And I realize there are going to still be plenty of lonely days ahead of me in my life. But I know now how better to handle those times. I have friends I can go to, and new friendships to make. I have good memories I can linger on. And, above all else, I know I can always turn to God. I can always lay my head upon His breast, talk to Him, and feel the radiant love that He has for me shining through. And that's what beats the loneliness.