This is for Eric (200th Post)

One thing I’ve always hoped my blog would be is a source of help, hope, and learning for others. I’ve always thought that if people could see the journey I’ve been on and how I’ve responded (both positively and negatively) to the issues I’ve faced in life, then they might find some sense of comfort, understanding, compassion, or hope in their own journeys, and in dealing with others facing similar situations.

With that in mind, I thought it fitting to share Eric’s video (above) with all of you. Here is a man, just 28 years old, dying from leukemia. For the last few years he has been chronicling his battle with that disease online. He has brought much awareness to what all a person with leukemia goes through, and has even raised money to help others who are going through it as well.

I can’t imagine the sort of emotions he is facing right now. Stress, worry, fear, panic, anger, frustration… what else? Hopelessness? Maybe a growing sense of peace?

When I think of dying, fear is usually one of the first things I think about. I fear death. I fear it because I don’t know what will happen. As a Christian, I believe I’ll go to Heaven and be with God and family and friends. But even in believing these things, death is something that frightens me. There are things I want to be able to experience in this world before I die. There are people I don’t want to feel sad or to be burdened by me no longer living. I wonder if it will hurt, or if I’ll know what is happening when it happens. Or if I’ll even be able to be brave about it. And then I have to admit that I also worry about being wrong. What if there really is no God and no Heaven, and once this life is gone, that’s it? That in the end, all that we are is lost in a single moment.

I like being planned and knowing, or at least being able to anticipate, what is going to happen. Death doesn’t exactly cooperate with me in that. I don’t know when I will die. And I don’t know how it will happen. I don’t even know what exactly will happen when it happens. It is all just an unknown. And even though it is certainly a part of life—to someday die—it is still something which I think most of us would agree we do not look forward to. Most of us would rather live. But when you know you are about to die, that must be incredibly difficult; especially when you are young, knowing there is so much more to life that you could experience, but won’t.

My heart aches for Eric. I know sometimes I get really down because of some of the things I’ve gone through/go through, but none of that is comparable to what Eric has faced. He has battled his illness for years, and now it is finally claiming his life. I wish he could get better. I’m going to be praying for him to get better, somehow. But if he doesn’t, I know the matter is in God’s hands. I believe firmly that everything happens for a reason. We may not always know what that reason is, but I believe God is at work in all things that we do and in all that happens to us. He can use anything bad of this world and transform it into something so good that it is beyond anything we could ever imagine. I just hope He will grant Eric some level of peace, hope, and understanding, and that he will know how his living has made a positive impact on others.

Please all of you pray for Eric and his family. I’d say they could really use our prayers right now.

With Spring Comes Life

I believe I have looked forward to the warmth and green of spring this year more than any other. It’s been fairly warm outside the last few days, even at night, and several trees have already begun getting leaves. I look out my window as I write this and see how so much has already turned green. In another couple of weeks, flowers will be out. I look forward to their beauty. I’ve already been enjoying the buttercups. They always seem to be the first of any flowers that bloom, and they always remind me of Easter and of life renewing itself. And I look forward to being able to work out in the yard again, taking longer hikes, and being able to travel a bit more as well.

I think of spring and I’m reminded just how precious life is. God gives us the ability to exist, to have conscience, to know Him, to be in relationship with others, to live. He breathes life into all of us. We live because we are His creation, and He wants us.

I have two nephews that I cherish deeply. They were unexpected to say the least, and the entire family worried about how life would change when they came about. Their being certainly did change a lot of things—some for the good, some for the bad—but they have been perhaps the biggest blessing God has ever given us. I love them beyond any measure.

It bewilders me how so many people have such disregard or no appreciation at all for the life of others. I think about how easy it would have been for my nephew’s mother to have aborted them. She was young, unmarried, broke… fit the bill pretty well for that sort of thing. If she ever did anything right or good, however, it was in choosing to give birth to her sons. But there are so many people who have made that other decision: to err on the side of death. And I wonder if they have any idea what sort of thing they really gave up. I’ve seen diagrams and videos depicting abortion before, like the one here, and I can say it is a horrendously, monstrous act—one that I couldn’t imagine even contemplating doing.

I look at how nature is beginning to come alive again, and I wonder how many babies will never know it. And not only them, but how many desperate people will have taken their lives and not see another beautiful spring day, or a murdered person whose opportunity to do so was taken away from them. How many non Christians passed from this world into the next, now dead to all things forever? I think it’s sad really, how so many people can choose death over life. And I wonder if they really know at all what they’re doing or what they’re giving up.

I choose life, defend life, and promote life, because I know how truly valuable it is. And so this spring, as everything in nature seems to come alive again, I hope you'll take a few minutes every once and a while to think about how precious a gift God has given us--in all things living--and thank Him for such a truly miraculous blessing.

A Light in a Very Dark Place

Hello, everyone. I hope you had a good Christmas. I can’t say it was the best of Christmases, but it probably wasn’t the worst either. It was different though. To be honest, I did feel depressed throughout most of the holiday. I’ve been fairly depressed for the whole last month now. The reason is that my grandma passed away the day after Thanksgiving, and I’ve been missing her terribly.

Every day I have some memory or thought of her pop into my mind. I find myself wishing I could talk to her one last time, or have one last cup of coffee with her, or spend one last family get-together with her, or take one last drive out in the country, or play one last game of rook, or be a kid again to spend the night with her one last time, or even just to hear her voice and see her smile again. I just wish she was still here so badly that it’s killing me inside.

So, that’s sort of where I’m at right now. I’m not doing too well. But I am trying to pull through and remember that death is not the end of one’s life, and that God still has plans to give me hope and a future. In the meantime, please pray for me and my family. I think we could all use a little extra praying for right now, and would great appreciate that.

Again, I hope all of you had a good Christmas. And in case I don’t get time to write again before the New Year, that you each have a good start to the New Year as well.

Bin Laden, Dead

When I first found out Osama Bin Laden had been killed a few weeks ago, I have to admit, my first instincts were to rejoice. I was glad he had been killed. To some extent, I am still glad about what happened, but I want to clarify my thinking.

I am glad Bin Laden is no longer alive to be able to spread his message of hate, to cause and promote violence throughout the world, and therefore influence and cause so much harm, sadness, and destruction in the lives of so many around the world. I am glad he was killed for this reason only.

Am I glad he died the way he did? No. Am I glad he lived the sort of life he did, which led to the sort of death he got? No. Do I wish him in hell or believe he’s in hell? No, and I won’t speculate on the matter either--that's for God to judge, not me. Would I have rather him turned himself in or have been captured rather than killed? Yes. Did I wish he’d have reformed his ways? Yes.

I am not glad Bin Laden led the life he did, which caused his untimely death. I am not glad he is dead for the pure sake that he’s dead. I am not glad he’s dead because I think he’s in hell. I am not glad he’s dead because I thought it’s what he deserved. The only reason I am glad is because now he can no longer cause the evil and harm to others that he was so dedicated toward.

I feel the same about Bin Laden as I did Saddam Hussein, or other people put to death or killed because of their violence. It saddens me that they led the lives they did which caused such violent and untimely deaths for themselves. Hitler’s death, for instance, was nothing to be happy about when considering the life, promise, and hope he gave away. He was a man who had the potential to be a great leader who could have taken Germany to true prosperity, freedom, and peace. Instead, he used his power and life to promote some of the worst evils ever committed against mankind, and led his country and people to ruins. He drove himself mad and, ultimately, out of desperation, fear, and hopelessness, took his own life. History will forever remember Hitler as being perhaps the greatest evil threat ever posed to humanity. That’s not a happy story or a life worth emulating. However, I am glad Hitler died when he did. His death meant the end of a great deal of human suffering. That is something to rejoice about. Not his death, but the affect his death had on the rest of the world. It is the same with Bin Laden. His death is nothing to rejoice over, but the results of it certainly are.

I rejoice in the fact that Bin Laden can no longer do any harm.

Feelings

Sometimes I feel such a strong urge to want to be with another guy. The feeling just seems to consume me. I feel lonely or... well maybe not lonely, but something. I feel like I'm missing a part of me. I alluded to this in my last post. It's as if God took something out of me and there's a void or emptiness now. Maybe it is just loneliness.

Anyway, I had this feeling rather intensely the other day and I was wishing and wanting so much that I could have a boyfriend. Then a strange sort of feeling came over me. I suddenly thought it would be weird to be with another guy. Just out of nowhere this creepy sort of otherworldly feeling entered my mind. I thought about myself having a boyfriend and all the aspects of a relationship with him and suddenly the idea of all that seemed almost like a turn off. To be perfectly honest, this is a feeling that's come over me more and more frequently over the last couple of years. But I don't know that it ever seemed as strange as it did this last time.

I wonder if maybe it really, truly is possible for a person to change their sexual orientation. Especially when I have feelings such as these. I'll admit, the last time I looked at pornography I cleared my mind of any sexually exciting, lustful thoughts/energy/whatever and just really thought about what I was looking at. I saw two guys having sex and the image of that seemed so very odd. I then imagined the two men being straight, and I almost felt repulsed. I thought of guys I knew at work or church and attempted to imagine them kissing another guy or having sex or being in a relationship with another guy, and it just seemed unimaginable.

I've always had such a strong feeling that God never meant for two men (or two women) to be with each other sexually. I guess the mechanics of that act just never seemed to fit the whole creation story and particularly the primary purpose of sex for procreation. (And please don't think that by that statement I don't believe sex is also meant to be an expression of love. Just that without sex, there'd be no procreation or life giving, and so that would have to be its primary function, or else all life would cease to exist).

I think about being with another guy, and I feel like if I were with another guy, that part of me which I feel is missing would no longer be missing. But then I think about what it would actually mean to be with another guy, and I start having these strange feelings. Something about being with another guy just doesn't feel right. Even though most of the time it does. But on that same note, almost nothing about being with a woman feels right.

I wonder sometimes if all this has something to do with feeling less than masculine. I usually don't feel very masculine at all, even though I know I do have certain masculine traits or characteristics. But I also wonder if it's because I'm not fully being myself most of the time. Naturally I'm more feminine in a lot of ways than what I usually allow most people to see or know. I try to be more masculine than I feel I actually am. And the thing is, I think deep down I prefer the feminine me. I like the fact that my eyes have a sort of feminine look about them, the way they're shaped. I like that my smile often has a shy girls look to it. I like that I talk with my hands sometimes. I like that my voice isn't real deep. I like a lot of the sort of feminine characteristics that I have. I just wish sometimes that I could be my feminine self toward another guy. And then I think about what I'd like from another guy—what sort of relationship I'd like.

I want a guy who'll love me for me. I want a guy who considers me something special. I want a guy I can cook meals with and go places with. I want a guy I can hold hands with. I want a guy I can share the holidays and special occasions with. I want a guy who will take care of me and who I can take care of in return. I want a guy who will hold me and love me and think I'm the best thing since sliced bread, and who I'll feel the same about.

I want kids, but I know no other guy can ever give me that. Nor could I do that for another guy. As much as mankind likes to play God, we humans still haven't found the way for two men to procreate. I'd have to be with a woman in order to have kids of my own. But I don't think I could ever be with a woman. Seems like the older I get the less likely that seems. God may have a surprise in store for me yet, but for now, I just don't see that ever happening. Maybe I'm too womanly myself to ever be with a woman. But there again, I don't think a woman could satisfy that void-like feeling within me.

Like I said in my last post, God please just take this feeling and do something with it. It's just annoying the heck out of me. I want something and that something seems to be a relationship with another guy, but when I actually consider pursuing that, something about it starts feeling wrong or unusual. Maybe I just can't escape the fact that I believe homosexual relationships are sinful, and that God wouldn't approve. Maybe I just need to accept this and accept being celibate and move forward along that path. Maybe that void will be filled by greater friendships or even by God himself. However it's filled, I just wish it would happen already, and in a more positive way than I've come up with myself.

~ ~ ~

And now on a whole separate subject, I was informed today that a friend of mine from high school, who I hadn't seen in a few years now, passed away last night. It's suspected he had a heart attack. To the best of my knowledge, this was the first person from my class who has died.

My preacher says from time to time that we are all just a heartbeat away from death. Well, I suppose that's true. It shocks me sometimes to realize just how fragile life really is. And I'll admit, sometimes the prospect of death scares me a little. I wonder if I've been faithful enough, or if I've truly had the right sort of relationship with Christ to be able to go to heaven. I think I have, but I guess sometimes I have my doubts. I get to feeling so far away from Christ sometimes that it makes me wonder whether or not He's still walking by my side, or if He's abandoned me. So far, He keeps pulling me back to Him. As a friend of mine recently put it, “I cannot see without Him as my eyes, or breath without Him as my lungs”. I like that. I can't escape Him and I'm glad for that. He never leaves me.

But I'm saddened that this old friend died. I'd just recently read about him in the local paper. He was involved with the direction of a play in the local theatre, and seemed to be really making a name for himself. I hate that he had to die so young in life. But I'm glad at the same time because I honestly do think he's in that better place now. He now has the rest of eternity before him, with Christ standing by his side.

I feel like I just have to trust God. I have to or I'll go crazy. If I trust God and allow Him to take me where He wishes and lead me in all things, that's the only way I'll ever be happy. And I guess I need to stop worrying so much. My counselor recently told me he felt I was thinking too much about the future and worrying about what might be or what could happen, living in fear of those things, rather than focusing on the moment at hand. I think he's right. I worry too much about being alone, about how my future will turn out, about what career to pursue or what direction I should be taking, and about dying before I've accomplished this or that, and there's just nothing good at all about worrying about any of it. All it does, thinking about those things, is drag me down. I suppose that's exactly what the devil wants of me.

I think I just want a change. I want something different and new and exciting.

Maybe I just need to pull my head out of my a**.