A Fountain of Youth

For a little more than a year or so, something I’ve struggled with is the knowledge of my own mortality. They say the reason 18 to 24 year olds make such good soldiers is because they rarely recognize how fragile life is, and are therefore more willing to take risks that can be potentially life ending than people who are older. Like them, I don’t think I realized how fragile my life is until my grandma passed away. She was the first person I’d ever been that close to who died. She wasn’t expected to die when she did. Her death was a huge shock to me, and it woke me up to the reality that life is short, and so very fragile. I can, and at some point will, die.

I used to think I was prepared for death. In a lot of ways I know I am. I know I believe in God and I try my best to follow His son as my Lord and Savior. I know I fail Him so very much of the time, but I believe I am forgiven through His grace. I believe I will go to Heaven when I die.

None of that prevents me from fearing death though. That’s something I have been struggling with. I am terrified of dying. I know death is a natural part of life, but I fear it still. And I fear growing old. What’s worse is that I have never, in my entire life, ever believed that I would live to be very old. It has always been a sort of gut instinct. And so I wonder just how much time I really have left. I wonder if I’ll be able to see my nephews grow up. I wonder if I will ever be able to have my own classroom. I wonder if I’ll be able to ever write anything significant, lasting, or memorable for anyone. I wonder if I’ll ever have a love of my life. I wonder if I’ll live long enough to do so many things. It scares me that I won’t.

I look back at my twenties as they come nearer to a close and I see how much I’ve accomplished and how far I’ve come in life. I made it through college, I worked my way up to a manager position at my former job, I wrote a book that was actually published (and a second that’s been sitting on the shelf), I’ve helped raise my nephews, I’ve made and lost friends, I’ve grown in my faith, and I have made so many memories and done so much more. I know I could continue to make and achieve dreams and goals in life. But I find myself wanting desperately to cling to my youth. I find myself looking back and wishing I was about to turn twenty again rather than thirty. I miss that feeling I used to have that all of my life was ahead of me. I just don’t feel that way anymore. I feel like I’m on a countdown and the seconds on the clock are running out. And this scares me.

I know I am getting older. I know there is still so much I would like to do. There just never seems to be enough time though. And anymore I just feel like time is something I’m constantly fighting against, trying to slow it down, trying to beat the clock, and get as much done as I possibly can, but failing to more often than I’d like.

I need a fountain of youth. Unfortunately that doesn’t exist and I know that any attempts at finding one would be an even bigger waste of time. But all of this gets me to thinking about how many people have died without finishing so many of their goals in life. That’s probably most of us. And what sort of goals will we have in our next lives? Of course, that’s the great unknown. Maybe that’s sort of my struggle there, though—I don’t know what exactly waits ahead. I think maybe that’s what scares me more than anything. I could live a long life and accomplish most of the things I’ve wanted to, I could live a long life and accomplish next to nothing, or I could live a short life and get very little done. And I don’t know what to expect in the next life. Maybe I’m just thinking too much on the here and now, worrying on it, when I should be keeping in mind that Heaven, whatever it turns out to be, will assuredly be better than anything of this life here on Earth. Regardless, the thought of dying does bother me, and with each passing year, I see that final second growing closer and closer, and wishing it was still miles ahead.

This is for Eric (200th Post)

One thing I’ve always hoped my blog would be is a source of help, hope, and learning for others. I’ve always thought that if people could see the journey I’ve been on and how I’ve responded (both positively and negatively) to the issues I’ve faced in life, then they might find some sense of comfort, understanding, compassion, or hope in their own journeys, and in dealing with others facing similar situations.

With that in mind, I thought it fitting to share Eric’s video (above) with all of you. Here is a man, just 28 years old, dying from leukemia. For the last few years he has been chronicling his battle with that disease online. He has brought much awareness to what all a person with leukemia goes through, and has even raised money to help others who are going through it as well.

I can’t imagine the sort of emotions he is facing right now. Stress, worry, fear, panic, anger, frustration… what else? Hopelessness? Maybe a growing sense of peace?

When I think of dying, fear is usually one of the first things I think about. I fear death. I fear it because I don’t know what will happen. As a Christian, I believe I’ll go to Heaven and be with God and family and friends. But even in believing these things, death is something that frightens me. There are things I want to be able to experience in this world before I die. There are people I don’t want to feel sad or to be burdened by me no longer living. I wonder if it will hurt, or if I’ll know what is happening when it happens. Or if I’ll even be able to be brave about it. And then I have to admit that I also worry about being wrong. What if there really is no God and no Heaven, and once this life is gone, that’s it? That in the end, all that we are is lost in a single moment.

I like being planned and knowing, or at least being able to anticipate, what is going to happen. Death doesn’t exactly cooperate with me in that. I don’t know when I will die. And I don’t know how it will happen. I don’t even know what exactly will happen when it happens. It is all just an unknown. And even though it is certainly a part of life—to someday die—it is still something which I think most of us would agree we do not look forward to. Most of us would rather live. But when you know you are about to die, that must be incredibly difficult; especially when you are young, knowing there is so much more to life that you could experience, but won’t.

My heart aches for Eric. I know sometimes I get really down because of some of the things I’ve gone through/go through, but none of that is comparable to what Eric has faced. He has battled his illness for years, and now it is finally claiming his life. I wish he could get better. I’m going to be praying for him to get better, somehow. But if he doesn’t, I know the matter is in God’s hands. I believe firmly that everything happens for a reason. We may not always know what that reason is, but I believe God is at work in all things that we do and in all that happens to us. He can use anything bad of this world and transform it into something so good that it is beyond anything we could ever imagine. I just hope He will grant Eric some level of peace, hope, and understanding, and that he will know how his living has made a positive impact on others.

Please all of you pray for Eric and his family. I’d say they could really use our prayers right now.