Sentimental

I may be giving myself away a little, but at this point I really don't care so much. I had to work late the other night and before leaving I decided to go for a little stroll around the dock where I work. The sun was just setting over the hillside and our customers had all turned in for the evening. The air was cool and soothing after the heat of the day. The water was perfectly still. The moon was shining bright across the water, and the stars were already coming out. I looked out onto the main body of the lake and suddenly felt lucky for having been assigned to work during this time. The beauty God had created all around me simply amazed me. Everything seemed so peaceful and calm, and I couldn't help but feel relaxed.

My mind soon began wandering, and I began thinking upon all the time I'd spent working there. I remembered all those tasks performed, all the coworkers who had come and gone, and all those good times and bad. It wasn't long until I began yearning for the past. I kept thinking about all those people who I'd worked with over the last few years. So many of them have gone on to other things, and I rarely see most of them anymore. In thinking about that, I remembered the guy I fell in love with a few years ago. I know there was no way I could have ever been with him—he wasn't/isn't gay. But I know I fell for him harder than anyone else I've ever known. He was a Christian, smart, funny, cute, kind, everything I ever looked for in another guy, and the more I was around him the more I loved him. I almost wanted to cry just thinking of him. I still see him from time to time, but it's far and few times between. When I do see him, it's not like it used to be. We're more along the line of acquaintances now than friends. I miss him. And I'll admit, I can't help but wonder sometimes what could have been had he felt the same about me. It's very likely that had he had feelings for me, I'd have gladly been his boyfriend. Who knows what different course that would have led me?

I don't just miss him though. I miss a lot of people. I've reached a point where I hate so very much having to say goodbye to people. I know from experience that once I do that, I'm very likely never or rarely to see that person again. Because of that, I hate having to say goodbye. I have that fear that when I do, I'll never see that person again. This is one of the main reasons why I've questioned my decision to become a teacher. You spend an entire year getting to know your students and then they move on in life while you stay put. It's a kind of sad profession in that sense. Not to say that it isn't extremely rewarding in other regards, but it's just that you lose people on a yearly basis who you've spent so much time with getting to know and love, and it hurts whenever you lose those you love—in whatever context that may be.

I think sometimes I must be the most sentimental person in the world. I have a great tendency to hold onto the past and long after it. I think back to good times and wish I could revisit them. I see a familiar spot alongside the road and just have to pull over. I think of people who have moved on in life and wish I could be around them again. I keep everything, because everything has a meaning and a story to it. I'm a real pack rat that way.

I know it's been hard for me to move forward in life because of that. I know my life could be a whole lot different in so many ways if I could just let go of the past. I know I let my past hold me back so much of the time. I may have found a better job, church, place to live, etc. by now if only I could have put aside the past and charged forward into the future.

Maybe there's fear there. Maybe I'm afraid of change. Maybe I'm afraid of the future. Maybe I'm afraid that what lies ahead won't be as good as what lies in the past or in the present. I think it's just that a lot of my past hasn't been what I'd call great. As a means of escaping real life, I've tended to lose myself in the thoughts of what were good times, and I long for those times and for what reminds me of them. I guess I just like the familiar and like to hold onto what's been dear to me. The places where I've lived, worked, went to school, church have all contributed to such a large part of who I am. My identity lies, in part, with these things and the people I've been around. To lose these things, I feel as if I lose a part of myself, or who I am.

I know I'm awfully sentimental this way. More than I should be. Sometimes it's just hard for me to shake my memories. And maybe in some ways that's actually a good thing more than a bad thing. I've learned it does help to think of the good times during the bad ones. There's hope in doing that. I just hope there'll be more good ones ahead.

I then began thinking about what job I may have five, ten, fifteen years from now. I wondered where I might be living. I wondered if I'd have a family of my own by then, or if I'd have completed writing what would hopefully be a bestseller novel, or accomplish any of the other hopes and dreams I've had. And as I looked out at the lake and thought again of God's beauty, I just felt His reassuring me not to worry, that there would indeed be plenty of good times ahead, new friends to make, and plenty of new memories to have and to hold onto.

I felt so at peace about that.

Where's the Magic?

When I was little I used to look forward to Christmas, Thanksgiving, Halloween, my birthday, and certain other special occasions such as that. There was a magic to each of those times. There was excitement, fun, adventure, family, rejoicing, and love and warmth beyond measure. They were good times. They were the times I enjoyed most when growing up. However, the last few years those times haven't felt like that at all to me. The magic just isn't there. My birthday has become just another day—usually one that I dread. Halloween just comes and goes—I never even thought to carve a jack-o-lantern this year, and that's always been something I've looked forward to. Thanksgiving was a hectic free-for-all with everybody running around like wild chickens with their heads cut off just to get a piece of turkey and pumpkin pie. And Christmas usually isn't much better. At least with Christmas, there is still that feeling of family. And there are the decorations, the gift-giving, hopefully some snow, and the rejoicing in Jesus' birth that still makes it all worthwhile. But, overall, I don't feel the way I used to about any of those times. I don't look forward to them the way I did when I was little. They're not as fun as they used to be.

I wish sometimes that I didn't have to grow old. I wish I could stay young and even go back to certain times in my childhood. Everything seemed so much less complicated back then; so much simpler. I've heard people call that feeling having the Peter Pan syndrome, and I guess that's what I have to a degree. I've resisted so many adult things. In a lot of ways I've passed up and neglected certain responsibilities just because I wanted to preserve the illusion I wasn't an adult. And I know I've been wrong to do that. I've held myself back in a lot of ways by doing that. But I know a lot of the reason why I've done that is because there was so much I felt like I missed out on when I was growing up. Being a little older now, I've been able to do some of those things I felt like I missed out on, and I've enjoyed those things. That enjoyment has made me want to cling to more youthful days, and even certain ways of thinking, at times.

For instance, I never had very much quality time with my Dad when I was growing up. There just wasn't much that we shared an interest in. But then, about five years ago, my brother introduced us to the Nintendo GameCube. Now, it had been a long time since either of us had played any video games, and that went back to the time of the NES. So, when we saw how much better the graphics were and how much the level of game play had evolved over the years, we were both quickly hooked. My Dad and I both wound up playing several games together, spending hours on end doing that. And for the first time in my life, I actually enjoyed doing something with my Dad. That was a really good time in my life because of that. I actually felt like I could finally relate to him about something. I felt close to him. I felt loved by him. I felt like I was important to him. When I was little, that's something I never really felt or experienced. My dad had always spent so much time playing and listening to music—that was his thing—and I never got into that at all. Anytime I've ever tried learning an instrument I've ended up embarrassing myself terribly. It's just something I'm not talented at. But when we did find something we enjoyed doing together, I know I sort of desperately wanted to cling onto my dad, as a child would, I suppose, just so that I could make up for the time with him I felt like I didn't get from him when I actually was a child. I'm glad I've been able to get closer to my dad the last few years, and that has definitely made up for a lot of the lack of time we spent with each other while I was growing up, but there are a lot of other things I know I just can't go back and get.

I really like the Harry Potter movies, and I think one reason for that is because I see these young kids enjoying themselves on some grand adventure (called life). I see them making friends. I see the sort of camaraderie they have with each other. And I wish so much I could have had that when I was growing up. I always felt so alone when I was younger. I didn't have many friends at school or at church, and at home my brother was usually too busy running wild or hanging out with his own friends to spend time with me, and my parents were usually off doing what adults do. So, I felt alone. But when I watch those movies I see great friendship. I see people caring about each other, enjoying each other's company, and fighting for and with each other in desperate times. It makes me wish sometimes that I could have been in a boarding school of some sort when I was younger. I wonder if that might have forced me to interact more with other people my age, to have depended a little less on my parents, and to have developed in me more social skills at an earlier age. I could have possibly made more friends than what I actually did make. Friendship really is something I've been striving for the last few years. I've craved it, in fact.

I know I've made some horrible mistakes in my past when it comes to making friends. I was once told by someone that, “in order to make friends, you must first be a friend,” and that's something I've struggled with at times. I haven't always known how to be a friend to others. I'm still so used to isolating myself that I've allowed so many good opportunities for making friends just slip right by. But I just wish I could have had that when I was little. I wish I could have had the sort of friendships and quality time with others that I see those kids having in those movies.

In a lot of ways I don't feel like an adult at all. I like being silly sometimes and probably a bit immature. I like children's games like hide and seek and make believe. There is fun in those things. There's a chance to escape all the negative things of the world, the seriousness of adulthood, and to be free to enjoy oneself. There are a lot of adults out there who, to me, just seem like they've lost all fun in their lives, or that they've lost sight of true enjoyments. In their maturity, they've lost out on the fun things in life.

I like the innocence of children. I like their naïve ideas. I like that so many of them see the world in such a positive, worry-free way. I like their excitement about things. And I like the way their eyes are so full of hope, and there faces so full of warmth.

There is one picture of me when I was little that I like to look at sometimes, and it's a reminder to me to have fun. I have such a beautiful, innocent look about me in that picture. I see it in my eyes and in my smile. And when I look at it, I can't help but wonder why that had to change. I look at other pictures as I got older, and I see the smile become a little more fake along and along, and my eyes become colder or more nervous looking—having a lack of trust behind them. And I see that in the pictures of others too. I see peoples eyes become tired, and their faces long. And I can't help but think, wouldn't it be better if we could all just stay little children, and never have to grow up?

I love that part in the Bible when Jesus tells his disciples, “Let the little children come unto me,” and when he talks about having the faith of a child. That means trusting and hoping, and believing without any reserve. I wish I could still feel that way about a great many things. I wish that around the holidays in particular. I wish I could still see the magic in things the way I used to.

Sometimes I fear growing old. I fear some of the uncertainties to that. But then I remember there's still some magic left in this world. There's still some good to this world, even despite all of it's darkness. There are still miracles that happen all the time. There are still good times to be had. There are still days of wonder and peace and love and warmth ahead of me. And I gain hope at the thought of that, and to remember that God is indeed always with me and that He wants me to enjoy the life that He's given me. Then I remember He offers me something so magnificent to look forward to. He offers me an eternal future, wrapped in His abundant love, where all wrongs are made right, and where I hope my heart will always be that of a child's. He offers me a future better than any past could ever have been. And I know there is still a whole lot of magic left in that for me. There is still something to look forward to and to get excited about.

Where to Go, What to Do

Here lately I've been thinking quite a bit about my future. I find myself currently at a time in my life where I could go in any direction I see fit to go in. I'm only twenty-four, my job is about to come to an end, I have no wife/girlfriend/boyfriend or anything like that to tie me down, no kids... so, I find myself considering all my options.

I've thought a lot about moving. Just packing my bags and going on some grand adventure, some journey of discovery, away from everything familiar. I've always thought that if I did move away, I'd want to go someplace either in Tennessee, Virginia, North Carolina, or maybe West Virginia. I guess I'm just in love with the mountains in those states. But if I do move away, wherever that turns out to be, that place would have to be better than where I live now. Otherwise, what's the point in moving? It would be nice to find a town with better jobs. Or a church where a person can actually be accepted even if they've been involved in something as horrible as, yes, heaven forbid, homosexuality. It would be nice to find a church where people openly love God and the people around them. It would be nice to find a place where I could be myself without fear of anyone ever truly knowing me. I'd like nothing more than for everyone just to know I like other guys and for it to not be a big deal to them—that they wouldn't treat me with disgust or as some sort of freak or different. I've thought for a long time now that if I could just move away I could live like that. Living where I do now, I have family to have to deal with. Not to mention all those people I grew up with. And as much as I love my family, I don't always feel like I can be myself or honest with them. I fear being honest with them sometimes, and I know that leads to me not being honest with others for fear that my parents or other family members will eventually find out by word of mouth what it is I struggle with. If I lived someplace else, I wouldn't have to worry so much about my family finding out. I could just be myself more.

I also think about what career to pursue. Writer, teacher, house builder, architect, interior designer, farmer, ... what? I still don't know what to do with my life. Thing is, I'm increasingly beginning to believe that maybe I should settle for being a jack of all trades, but master of none. Maybe I should do a little bit of everything? Of course, something really should be a main source of income, but what? I still don't know what to do with my life. I just don't want to wake up at sixty years of age or older and have to wonder if there was ever anything significant, important, or meaningful in what work I've done during my life. I want to do something meaningful and worthwhile.

So, with all that, I have been considering what sort of future to make for myself. And in considering all these things, I have to keep in mind what God wants for me. I've been praying about these things for quite some time now. Thing is, I only recently realized how great an opportunity I have coming up for making some big changes in my life. And I know that the only thing to hold me back is really just myself. I have to admit that the prospect of moving away or going to a different church does sort of frighten me some. It means that I'm on my own. But I realize that's not necessarily a bad thing. It could actually be a really good thing, because often, when you're on your own like that, that's when you tend to learn the most. You grow as a person and as an individual. At least I do.

This leads to thoughts of other things. I realize how much growing up I've had to do the last couple of years. I realize how much I've held myself back in the past. I never pursued anyone for any type of relationship for being afraid of rejection. And yet the very thing I've always wanted was acceptance. Well, it's kind of hard to find that if I never pursue any friendships with anyone. I've learned that, and I've now made several friends because of that. I'm stepping out more than I used to. But I get discouraged sometimes. I make friends and then I push them away, and then I don't try to make friends like I should, and when I do make friends I tend to be insecure enough in that friendship to be a little panicky about losing those friends. And then I know I probably get a little weird at times because of that. I just keep trying to be myself and to open up around others, but I find that really hard to do sometimes. I get self-conscience and nervous. There again, I fear.

I also know that I've relied too much on my parents for things that I shouldn't have. I've allowed them to take care of me more than I should have. That's something I didn't realize until just a few months ago. So, here lately, I've been trying to rectify that by being a little more self-sufficient about certain things. I'm glad that my parents love me and care about me, but I don't think it's so good that they care for me enough to do things for me that really I ought to be doing for myself by now.

I've also learned not to be so naïve about a few things. Such as: most politicians will actually lie just to get elected; preachers do not equal God; I'm not the only person who struggles with certain things in life; most businesses are only in it for the money; some people will take advantage of you so long as they think they can get away with it; other denominations aren't necessarily worse than my own—some are actually better in several regards; and my parents aren't always right about everything.

I guess to sum everything up, I'm just wanting a new start. I've spent the last couple of years trying to grow up and discover myself and figure things out, and I'm tired. I feel like I'm being held back. I'd just like to get away from everything for awhile and start all over again with a fresh start. I'd like to actually begin my life rather than just trail along as I've been. I feel like I know better what I want now, and I'd like to go out and finally start getting those things. All I know is that I'm in the mood to take some risks, there's nothing holding me back, and I'm ready to get started. I'm anxious to get started. There's just so much I want to do and so many places I'd like to go.

Lord, please help me to find my way. Lead me in whatever direction you'd have me to go. And help me to be happy with my life and in whatever I do. Amen.

Good Days

Yesterday was an incredibly good day. It was a day off from work. I was able to sleep in late. I didn't get any calls from any of my workers, nagging me about stupid, trivial things that they ought to know on their own without having to pester me. I was finally able to finish that writing assignment that was actually due last month, but I'd got an extension on the deadline. I was able to reply to a few emails to some friends, whom I'd wanted so much to be able to get in touch with. I listened to some really good Christian songs. I prayed to God. I was able to do some drawing. I watched a couple of really good movies. I found a Reese's Cup in a kitchen drawer. And I went halves with my brother to get a pizza for supper (Pizza just happens to be my favorite food). Yep, it was a good day.

Today has been good too. I'm not sure why, but I just feel so close to God. I feel like nothing could go wrong. Nothing that's usually been bothering me lately has bothered me at all. I don't feel lonely, angry, depressed, tired, confused, or frustrated. I just feel... good.

I know a big part of that is that I don't feel alone anymore. I know there are people out there who love me and care about me. There are people who understand me, who pray for me, and who don't care if I'm an oddball or not. They just like me for me, and want to know me despite whatever faults I have. And there are a lot of people I feel the same about in return. It feels good knowing that. I have friends now.

I also have dreams again. There are so many things I want to be able to do. I have so much to look forward to, and I feel like I truly do have a future. That's one thing I haven't felt like I had for a long time. The future just seems so bright and hopeful.