Anti-Reparative Therapy Laws

Should parents be banned from forcing or allowing their kids to undergo reparative therapy to “cure” homosexuality?

Many LGBT friendly groups have recently attempted to push through legislation that would do just that. I understand their thoughts behind it, but I think there is a fine line between looking after the best interests of a child from a societal viewpoint (parents can’t physically abuse their children), and looking after the best interests of a child from a parental viewpoint (children can’t stay out past 9pm).

People tend to have very different beliefs when it comes to raising kids. Some parents believe it is okay to spank their children, others don’t. Some parents believe in taking their children to church with them to pass on their religious beliefs, others don’t. Some parents believe in making their children work for their first car, others don’t. And the list could go on and on.

When it comes to sexuality, I understand full well why some parents would want their children to undergo reparative therapy, but I also understand why many people would believe that to be emotionally, as well as perhaps physically (in some cases) abusive to a child. Parents who are religious may simply want to help their child/children from growing up and engaging in sexual activities that they believe are sinful and/or harmful to them. Others may view sexuality so concretely that teaching anything other than full acceptance is harmful.

My personal belief is that reparative therapy should be allowed, but that children should never be forced to undergo it.

I think back to when I was younger, in middle school and high school days, and wishing so much that I wasn’t gay. I wanted a cure. I wanted something, anything, to help take away those feelings. Not knowing of anything like that, and wanting to adhere to my religious beliefs more than any physical and emotional wants, it was devastating to me thinking that there was no cure, or no way to fight. I thought I had no choice but to be gay.

At that time, I know that accepting my sexuality for what it is would have in no way made me feel better about myself. I’m okay now, but at the time, I needed some hope that I didn’t have to be gay, because in my eyes, that just wasn’t an option. And I do believe that that was a big reason for why I felt so suicidal there in my late teens and early twenties. I felt I had no choice but to be something that I so desperately did not want to be. I didn’t stop feeling suicidal and start realizing that my attractions to other men were okay, and to accept myself, until I sought out help from Exodus International, a place specializing in reparative therapy.

Did it help me to seek treatment? Yes, it did. Should I have had to seek treatment? No, probably not. Was it my choice to seek treatment? Yes. Could I have found help in some other way, perhaps even a better way? Probably. Should a person, at any age, be forced to undergo reparative therapy? No. And I say no to that last question because it can do no good whatsoever to a person who doesn’t want it. But if a person wants to try and believes it is what is best for them, then it can be a great source of hope and should be allowed.

It doesn’t matter if you agree or disagree with the merits of reparative therapy. That doesn’t really matter. You could still argue for a better way. What does matter is that if this type of therapy actually does in some way help some people, to make them feel better about who they are, then why would you purposefully want to deny them that? What good would that do a person who has a mindset so firmly opposed to living as a homosexual? None.

Based on all of this, I think it wise to allow reparative therapy to continue. I will never agree with any law that would totally ban it. However, I would stipulate that if it does continue, it should only ever be completely voluntary. A law promoting the use of reparative therapy only in this matter, I would agree with.

Gay Parents = Gay Kids?

Sorry I've been gone for so long. I'm in the middle of my last semester at college. So, as you can imagine, it's been very time consuming (but also very fun and enjoyable).

I read this article on gay parents being more likely than straight parents to produce gay children and found it intriguing and worth writing about. The statistics and research presented in this article/study doesn't surprise me at all. To begin with, if homosexuality is genetic, then it only fits that gay parents may pass on gay genes to their children, thus causing their children to also become gay. Likewise, it makes perfect sense to me that if homosexuality is environmentally based, homosexual parents may be more likely (either intentionally or unintentionally) to have an influence on their children also becoming homosexual. I can certainly see how a child growing up in a home with homosexual parents would at the very least be much more open to the idea of being with someone of the same sex (just as heterosexual parents may influence their children to becoming heterosexual--again, if sexuality is environmentally based). Regardless of the origin/s of homosexual orientation, I think all people can agree that parents of any type have an overwhelming influence on the kids they raise. And for that reason alone, I'm not surprised to find evidence that gay parents are statistically more likely to have gay children.

There Are No Good Titles For This Post

Last Thursday I was having a really bad day. I started the day by talking with my counselor, and naturally he got me to opening up about a few things and thinking about a few things that I'd been trying to bottle up. We talked for about an hour and that was that. I then sat around for a few hours considering everything we'd talked about. Then my brother stopped by later on that evening and told me some of his problems. Worry then sat in, and the next thing I knew I was so depressed I couldn't see straight. I felt lifeless. Completely lifeless.

When my Dad got home, the two of us went for a drive and I started talking to him about a lot of the things that's been bothering me lately. Things dealing with work, church, my brother, the future, you name it. And then I told him I'm attracted to other men. For about a minute you could have heard a pin drop. Then he got to asking me a few questions, the usual sort of things probably everyone is asked dealing with this. He was actually handling the news fairly well. I told him about my brother finding out, about my counselor, about my past, about everything. And of all of that, what seemed to bother him most was that I'd never told him before. He kept beating around the bush concerning that, and I really didn't know how to answer him. What exactly was I to say to him? I was worried you'd beat me up or hate me. Or, I was worried you'd do some other dumb thing I knew in my heart you'd never do. I was afraid. So, anyway, I couldn't really answer him on that one. He eventually asked about my mom, and said he thought she should know. I agreed and asked if he would tell her. He said he would, and then before everything was over and done with, he let me know he loved me.

It was all rather comforting in a way that I hadn't expected. Surreal would probably be a better choice of expressions. Or, perhaps odd? It wasn't at all how I'd imagined. My dad's overall response hasn't been anything like I'd imagined. It's almost like this is a non-issue to him. Like it doesn't matter. He hasn't treated me different at all, in any way. There has been a comfort to that, but I'll admit I'm a little torn by it as well. Shouldn't he be just as mad about this as I've been? Shouldn't he show some sort of feelings about this? I mean, it's as if I'd never told him. Then again, I'm worried he's just in denial, and then when it all sinks in, that's when the s**t is going to hit the fan.

I'm reasonably sure he told my mom last Sunday night. They came home from a church meeting and pretty much went straight to their room, which was unusual for them. And then yesterday, when mom came home from work, she seemed to make it her mission to avoid me. I knew my mom would have trouble with this news. She worries and gets stressed out about everything, and always takes everything so personally. I take after her in that regard. But still, I'm a little worried about where this is going to go. I'm not sure telling them was a good thing or a bad thing. After talking with my brother about this today, he seemed to be inclined to think it was a good thing that I told them.

I am trying to be optimistic. I don't want to fall to pieces over this. I'm just hoping that maybe it'll draw me closer to my parents the same way it's drawn me closer to my brother. And I do feel relieved that its out there now. It's not something I have to keep a secret from them anymore. In that regard, telling them is a great thing. I do see this as a possible step in the right direction. Being more honest and open with people usually is so much better than the alternative.

All I know is that my emotions have been all over the place the last few days, and I'm tired. I have been developing several new writing ideas, so I've been excited about that. I've actually been writing like crazy since I got laid off from work. I'm also really getting into the Christmas season. All the decorations are up and I've been listening to Christmas songs and movies. And I've also been hoping for snow. I thought it was going to the other day, but it went a little bit north of us.

While I'm at it, I want to thank everyone out there who have been praying for me and encouraging me, and putting up with my negative thinking here the last few weeks. And I especially want to thank Rik for all the help he's giving me. I also want to thank God for leading some of you to write about some of the things you've written about recently. I've read a lot of posts that really have lifted me up and got me to thinking more clearly about a few things. So, God bless all of you for everything.

Under Pressure

The last few days I've really struggled with the idea of wanting a boyfriend. I've wanted to feel that sort of intimate closeness to another guy, and it's got me a little frustrated. I'm actually feeling pretty good right now, but this is just one of those things that keeps bugging me. I suppose if I could just make a really close male friend, someone I could spend time with on a regular basis and hang out with, that I wouldn't feel such a huge desire such as this. I've noticed in the past that when I spend a lot of time with other guys, I'm not as prone to want to date or be sexually involved with another guy. But when there's a prolonged period of time I'm not around other guys, I begin to feel this way. Here lately, I've not been able to be around many other guys. And the desire for male closeness just seems to be consuming my every thought because of that.

This in turn has caused me to be tempted to look at pornography, create sexual fantasies, lust, to masturbate, and to even just finally give up this fight and go searching for a boyfriend. I'm tempted right now to do all those things, and yet I know if I did, I'd literally fall to pieces. I have never ever found any true happiness in pursuing any of those things or anything of a homosexual nature. Anytime I've went down that road I've found myself so utterly miserable and full of depression that life just didn't seem worth the living. There's a longing there that never gets met, and I always become disillusioned and guilt-ridden for having disobeyed God doing something I knew full and well wouldn't make me happy and I shouldn't do.

So, I've had all that to battle with recently.

As for today, my brothers girlfriend has decided it's her mission in life to set me up with this girl she knows, and she keeps bugging the everlasting life out of me to go out with her.

Okay, first off, I have absolutely no desire whatsoever for a girlfriend right now. Even if I found a girl I really did like, I still don't think I would want to go out with her. The entire heterosexual courtship absolutely does nothing for me at all. Not personally, that is. Holding hands with a girl, kissing a girl, talking on the phone with a girl, dating a girl in general, none of that appeals to me in the least little bit.

And so here I am, trying to politely say “no thanks” to my brother's annoying girlfriend, and the whole time thinking that if it were a guy she was trying to hook me up with, I might actually go for that. But on top of that, I don't want her knowing I struggle with my sexuality, so I feel like I'm constantly having to juggle about my disinterest to her friend without having to come across gay. I just wish she'd leave me alone and mind her own business. Furthermore, since my brother does know what I struggle with, I wish he'd actually come to my aid and tell her to back off. But that's my brother through and through. I'm sure it's never even entered his mind as to how uncomfortable all this is making me.

As if all that stuff wasn't bad enough, I had to listen to my dad try to explain homosexuality to my fourteen year old cousin tonight. She had heard in school some people say that homosexuality is something people are born with, and others say it was something people choose. So, she was asking my dad (who happens to be her church youth leader) about which it was. To my surprise, Dad actually said enough, in a somewhat humorous and fumbling about sort of way, that he believed it wasn't something a person was born with, at least not completely, but that he did feel a person had a choice in what they did in their lives. I was actually surprised, because he basically gave the answer I'd like to have given. He said, in a way, that homosexuals don't choose to be homosexuals, but they can choose what activities they engage in. As I was listening to my Dad speak (who still doesn't know that I'm gay), I was actually feeling some odd sort of excitement and relief, because I was finally able to figure out how he looked at all this. I feel like now, if I did tell him, he might actually be somewhat understanding and not jump to a bunch of conclusions. Heck, he even admitted to having watched some program about homosexuals not long back on television, where a group of men were discussing gay issues, and how he'd learned a few things from that. Overall, I'd have to say I feel better just finally being able to know where he stands on some of this. He was about the most non-vague tonight about this as I've ever heard him to be. So, that was a good thing, I think.

I do feel more encouraged to finally tell my parents. At least Dad. I'm still not so sure about Mom. I honestly just don't think she could take that sort of news right now. But with Dad, I'm sure he's had to have wondered about me before. I've never pursued any romantic relationships with any girls, and I'm sure that's had to have made him scratch his head a few times throughout the years.

All I know is that tonight, with the way I've been feeling, and with being pressured to go out with that girl, and the issue of homosexuality coming up, I just really felt like a time bomb getting ready to go off at any moment. I'm tired of keeping this secret. I just want everyone to know already. Maybe then, everyone will stop always trying to find me a girlfriend, and asking me questions about that, and I'll finally feel more comfortable just being myself around everybody. I know it's going to eventually come to a head anyway, so I'm really feeling like getting it over and done with, working through all the issues related to that now while I'm younger rather than older, and hopefully just getting all this behind me so I can move on a little. I just hope everything will turn out for the best.

Any thoughts?

Where to Go, What to Do

Here lately I've been thinking quite a bit about my future. I find myself currently at a time in my life where I could go in any direction I see fit to go in. I'm only twenty-four, my job is about to come to an end, I have no wife/girlfriend/boyfriend or anything like that to tie me down, no kids... so, I find myself considering all my options.

I've thought a lot about moving. Just packing my bags and going on some grand adventure, some journey of discovery, away from everything familiar. I've always thought that if I did move away, I'd want to go someplace either in Tennessee, Virginia, North Carolina, or maybe West Virginia. I guess I'm just in love with the mountains in those states. But if I do move away, wherever that turns out to be, that place would have to be better than where I live now. Otherwise, what's the point in moving? It would be nice to find a town with better jobs. Or a church where a person can actually be accepted even if they've been involved in something as horrible as, yes, heaven forbid, homosexuality. It would be nice to find a church where people openly love God and the people around them. It would be nice to find a place where I could be myself without fear of anyone ever truly knowing me. I'd like nothing more than for everyone just to know I like other guys and for it to not be a big deal to them—that they wouldn't treat me with disgust or as some sort of freak or different. I've thought for a long time now that if I could just move away I could live like that. Living where I do now, I have family to have to deal with. Not to mention all those people I grew up with. And as much as I love my family, I don't always feel like I can be myself or honest with them. I fear being honest with them sometimes, and I know that leads to me not being honest with others for fear that my parents or other family members will eventually find out by word of mouth what it is I struggle with. If I lived someplace else, I wouldn't have to worry so much about my family finding out. I could just be myself more.

I also think about what career to pursue. Writer, teacher, house builder, architect, interior designer, farmer, ... what? I still don't know what to do with my life. Thing is, I'm increasingly beginning to believe that maybe I should settle for being a jack of all trades, but master of none. Maybe I should do a little bit of everything? Of course, something really should be a main source of income, but what? I still don't know what to do with my life. I just don't want to wake up at sixty years of age or older and have to wonder if there was ever anything significant, important, or meaningful in what work I've done during my life. I want to do something meaningful and worthwhile.

So, with all that, I have been considering what sort of future to make for myself. And in considering all these things, I have to keep in mind what God wants for me. I've been praying about these things for quite some time now. Thing is, I only recently realized how great an opportunity I have coming up for making some big changes in my life. And I know that the only thing to hold me back is really just myself. I have to admit that the prospect of moving away or going to a different church does sort of frighten me some. It means that I'm on my own. But I realize that's not necessarily a bad thing. It could actually be a really good thing, because often, when you're on your own like that, that's when you tend to learn the most. You grow as a person and as an individual. At least I do.

This leads to thoughts of other things. I realize how much growing up I've had to do the last couple of years. I realize how much I've held myself back in the past. I never pursued anyone for any type of relationship for being afraid of rejection. And yet the very thing I've always wanted was acceptance. Well, it's kind of hard to find that if I never pursue any friendships with anyone. I've learned that, and I've now made several friends because of that. I'm stepping out more than I used to. But I get discouraged sometimes. I make friends and then I push them away, and then I don't try to make friends like I should, and when I do make friends I tend to be insecure enough in that friendship to be a little panicky about losing those friends. And then I know I probably get a little weird at times because of that. I just keep trying to be myself and to open up around others, but I find that really hard to do sometimes. I get self-conscience and nervous. There again, I fear.

I also know that I've relied too much on my parents for things that I shouldn't have. I've allowed them to take care of me more than I should have. That's something I didn't realize until just a few months ago. So, here lately, I've been trying to rectify that by being a little more self-sufficient about certain things. I'm glad that my parents love me and care about me, but I don't think it's so good that they care for me enough to do things for me that really I ought to be doing for myself by now.

I've also learned not to be so naïve about a few things. Such as: most politicians will actually lie just to get elected; preachers do not equal God; I'm not the only person who struggles with certain things in life; most businesses are only in it for the money; some people will take advantage of you so long as they think they can get away with it; other denominations aren't necessarily worse than my own—some are actually better in several regards; and my parents aren't always right about everything.

I guess to sum everything up, I'm just wanting a new start. I've spent the last couple of years trying to grow up and discover myself and figure things out, and I'm tired. I feel like I'm being held back. I'd just like to get away from everything for awhile and start all over again with a fresh start. I'd like to actually begin my life rather than just trail along as I've been. I feel like I know better what I want now, and I'd like to go out and finally start getting those things. All I know is that I'm in the mood to take some risks, there's nothing holding me back, and I'm ready to get started. I'm anxious to get started. There's just so much I want to do and so many places I'd like to go.

Lord, please help me to find my way. Lead me in whatever direction you'd have me to go. And help me to be happy with my life and in whatever I do. Amen.