Anderson's Gay

As most of you probably know by now, Anderson Cooper, host of CNN's Anderson Cooper 360, recently admitted to being gay.  His sexuality has been a subject of question for many years now.  I’m sure that this had nothing to do with images of him giggling like a little school girl at times or having every drag queen’s favorite role model, Kathy Griffin, as a regular New Year’s Eve co-host with him.  At least, these are the two things that made me wonder about him at times.

Frankly, I really couldn’t have cared less if he was gay or straight.  I’ve watched his program on and off for a long time, and it was never his sexuality that attracted me to his show; it was just a decent news show.

I’m glad Anderson was never publicly outed, but instead came out in his own timing and own way.  And this is how I think it should be.  Even if people have their suspicions, I think it is ill-advised, unless the relationship is a very close one, for them to ever ask about the sexuality of another or to try to push the person to come out if they are gay, and especially to ever out them against their wishes.

I remember going through school always being scared to death of other people finding out I was gay.  For a long time, even though others thought I was, I really wasn’t even sure myself.  I always hated when others asked me if I was gay, or whenever they’d insinuate it, and certainly whenever they’d talk about me (usually so that I’d hear them) in a way to convince others that I was gay.  Dancing around these constant things was a bit tiresome at times, and I hated the people who did this to me.  I just wanted to be left alone.

Most teens trying to figure out their sexuality just need space to figure themselves out.  They don’t need people pushing them, calling them names, making accusations, or talking about them.  Neither do adults who are still trying to figure themselves out.  And even if they have figured themselves out, they still don’t need this.  A lot of gay people don’t want to be out to everyone.  I’m in my late twenties now, and this is still something that I don’t want.  I just don’t feel like it’s everybody’s business.  Now, this isn’t to say that at times I haven’t wished or thought that it might be better to be out to everyone.  But it is, and should only be, my decision to make (whether or not I’m going to be out or not, and to whom).  This is how it should be with everyone going through such things.

I was not surprised to find out that Anderson Cooper is gay.  But I will say that I have been pleasantly surprised by the number of people who seem not to care.  Here is one of media news’s biggest stars coming out, and yet everybody hasn’t freaked out about it.  Go back just a few years and I remember how everybody freaked out when Ellen Degeneres came out.  But this has been different, and I have to say that I think it is a good sign.  My hope is that in the future, people won’t mind if a person is gay or straight.  This isn’t to suggest that I think they shouldn’t think or feel certain ways about it, but that whether or not a person is gay will just no longer matter so much to people; that it will just be what it is and nothing more, like finding out a blond is a natural brunette, or a person who looks thirty is actually in his or her fifties.  Whether or not this will happen, who can say, but this is my hope.

Telling

I watched these videos for the first time today. They were made by a young man serving in the military who, back in November--after the ban on gays serving openly in the military came to an end--finally felt comfortable enough to come out to his family and friends.

I watch him and I'm reminded of how nervous, afraid, worried, and panicked I was when I first came out to anyone. The very first person was a former preacher of mine. I was dumbstruck the moment I went to tell him, and ended up just turning to a passage in Leviticus in the Bible for him to read. He read it and understood. I very similarly had trouble coming out to my dad. I'd made up my mind to do it, and asked if he'd drive out town with me. We ended up spending nearly an hour or so just driving around before I was finally able to say "I like other guys." Afterward, he quickly found his way to a nearby parking area (I assume so that he'd not drive us off a cliff) and stopped the car. We sat there for awhile longer and just talked about it. To say I was nervous, terrified, worried, and panicked would be an understatement. Like the guy in these videos, I was so worried no one would love me if they knew I was gay.

Since then, a few more have found out, and some have taken the news well, while others haven't so much. I've never been able to just come out to my mom, but I know Dad told her. She likes to pretend it isn't so, which does at times bother me somewhat, but at least she's never really made a big deal out of it. And neither has my dad. But I know it meant the world to me, and was probably the best response anyone has ever given me concerning this, when my dad said, "I still love you." What better way could a parent respond to this sort of news.

Davey Wavey Comes Out with a Great Way to Come Out to Your Parents

Davey Wavey from Youtube never fails to amaze me. This video of his is such a truly wonderful resource for anyone struggling to find a way to come out to their parents. It would have been so much easier for me had I known of or been able to use something like this back when I came out to my parents.

Thank God for the age of the internet and for Davey having the care and compassion to make something like this.

There Are No Good Titles For This Post

Last Thursday I was having a really bad day. I started the day by talking with my counselor, and naturally he got me to opening up about a few things and thinking about a few things that I'd been trying to bottle up. We talked for about an hour and that was that. I then sat around for a few hours considering everything we'd talked about. Then my brother stopped by later on that evening and told me some of his problems. Worry then sat in, and the next thing I knew I was so depressed I couldn't see straight. I felt lifeless. Completely lifeless.

When my Dad got home, the two of us went for a drive and I started talking to him about a lot of the things that's been bothering me lately. Things dealing with work, church, my brother, the future, you name it. And then I told him I'm attracted to other men. For about a minute you could have heard a pin drop. Then he got to asking me a few questions, the usual sort of things probably everyone is asked dealing with this. He was actually handling the news fairly well. I told him about my brother finding out, about my counselor, about my past, about everything. And of all of that, what seemed to bother him most was that I'd never told him before. He kept beating around the bush concerning that, and I really didn't know how to answer him. What exactly was I to say to him? I was worried you'd beat me up or hate me. Or, I was worried you'd do some other dumb thing I knew in my heart you'd never do. I was afraid. So, anyway, I couldn't really answer him on that one. He eventually asked about my mom, and said he thought she should know. I agreed and asked if he would tell her. He said he would, and then before everything was over and done with, he let me know he loved me.

It was all rather comforting in a way that I hadn't expected. Surreal would probably be a better choice of expressions. Or, perhaps odd? It wasn't at all how I'd imagined. My dad's overall response hasn't been anything like I'd imagined. It's almost like this is a non-issue to him. Like it doesn't matter. He hasn't treated me different at all, in any way. There has been a comfort to that, but I'll admit I'm a little torn by it as well. Shouldn't he be just as mad about this as I've been? Shouldn't he show some sort of feelings about this? I mean, it's as if I'd never told him. Then again, I'm worried he's just in denial, and then when it all sinks in, that's when the s**t is going to hit the fan.

I'm reasonably sure he told my mom last Sunday night. They came home from a church meeting and pretty much went straight to their room, which was unusual for them. And then yesterday, when mom came home from work, she seemed to make it her mission to avoid me. I knew my mom would have trouble with this news. She worries and gets stressed out about everything, and always takes everything so personally. I take after her in that regard. But still, I'm a little worried about where this is going to go. I'm not sure telling them was a good thing or a bad thing. After talking with my brother about this today, he seemed to be inclined to think it was a good thing that I told them.

I am trying to be optimistic. I don't want to fall to pieces over this. I'm just hoping that maybe it'll draw me closer to my parents the same way it's drawn me closer to my brother. And I do feel relieved that its out there now. It's not something I have to keep a secret from them anymore. In that regard, telling them is a great thing. I do see this as a possible step in the right direction. Being more honest and open with people usually is so much better than the alternative.

All I know is that my emotions have been all over the place the last few days, and I'm tired. I have been developing several new writing ideas, so I've been excited about that. I've actually been writing like crazy since I got laid off from work. I'm also really getting into the Christmas season. All the decorations are up and I've been listening to Christmas songs and movies. And I've also been hoping for snow. I thought it was going to the other day, but it went a little bit north of us.

While I'm at it, I want to thank everyone out there who have been praying for me and encouraging me, and putting up with my negative thinking here the last few weeks. And I especially want to thank Rik for all the help he's giving me. I also want to thank God for leading some of you to write about some of the things you've written about recently. I've read a lot of posts that really have lifted me up and got me to thinking more clearly about a few things. So, God bless all of you for everything.

Under Pressure

The last few days I've really struggled with the idea of wanting a boyfriend. I've wanted to feel that sort of intimate closeness to another guy, and it's got me a little frustrated. I'm actually feeling pretty good right now, but this is just one of those things that keeps bugging me. I suppose if I could just make a really close male friend, someone I could spend time with on a regular basis and hang out with, that I wouldn't feel such a huge desire such as this. I've noticed in the past that when I spend a lot of time with other guys, I'm not as prone to want to date or be sexually involved with another guy. But when there's a prolonged period of time I'm not around other guys, I begin to feel this way. Here lately, I've not been able to be around many other guys. And the desire for male closeness just seems to be consuming my every thought because of that.

This in turn has caused me to be tempted to look at pornography, create sexual fantasies, lust, to masturbate, and to even just finally give up this fight and go searching for a boyfriend. I'm tempted right now to do all those things, and yet I know if I did, I'd literally fall to pieces. I have never ever found any true happiness in pursuing any of those things or anything of a homosexual nature. Anytime I've went down that road I've found myself so utterly miserable and full of depression that life just didn't seem worth the living. There's a longing there that never gets met, and I always become disillusioned and guilt-ridden for having disobeyed God doing something I knew full and well wouldn't make me happy and I shouldn't do.

So, I've had all that to battle with recently.

As for today, my brothers girlfriend has decided it's her mission in life to set me up with this girl she knows, and she keeps bugging the everlasting life out of me to go out with her.

Okay, first off, I have absolutely no desire whatsoever for a girlfriend right now. Even if I found a girl I really did like, I still don't think I would want to go out with her. The entire heterosexual courtship absolutely does nothing for me at all. Not personally, that is. Holding hands with a girl, kissing a girl, talking on the phone with a girl, dating a girl in general, none of that appeals to me in the least little bit.

And so here I am, trying to politely say “no thanks” to my brother's annoying girlfriend, and the whole time thinking that if it were a guy she was trying to hook me up with, I might actually go for that. But on top of that, I don't want her knowing I struggle with my sexuality, so I feel like I'm constantly having to juggle about my disinterest to her friend without having to come across gay. I just wish she'd leave me alone and mind her own business. Furthermore, since my brother does know what I struggle with, I wish he'd actually come to my aid and tell her to back off. But that's my brother through and through. I'm sure it's never even entered his mind as to how uncomfortable all this is making me.

As if all that stuff wasn't bad enough, I had to listen to my dad try to explain homosexuality to my fourteen year old cousin tonight. She had heard in school some people say that homosexuality is something people are born with, and others say it was something people choose. So, she was asking my dad (who happens to be her church youth leader) about which it was. To my surprise, Dad actually said enough, in a somewhat humorous and fumbling about sort of way, that he believed it wasn't something a person was born with, at least not completely, but that he did feel a person had a choice in what they did in their lives. I was actually surprised, because he basically gave the answer I'd like to have given. He said, in a way, that homosexuals don't choose to be homosexuals, but they can choose what activities they engage in. As I was listening to my Dad speak (who still doesn't know that I'm gay), I was actually feeling some odd sort of excitement and relief, because I was finally able to figure out how he looked at all this. I feel like now, if I did tell him, he might actually be somewhat understanding and not jump to a bunch of conclusions. Heck, he even admitted to having watched some program about homosexuals not long back on television, where a group of men were discussing gay issues, and how he'd learned a few things from that. Overall, I'd have to say I feel better just finally being able to know where he stands on some of this. He was about the most non-vague tonight about this as I've ever heard him to be. So, that was a good thing, I think.

I do feel more encouraged to finally tell my parents. At least Dad. I'm still not so sure about Mom. I honestly just don't think she could take that sort of news right now. But with Dad, I'm sure he's had to have wondered about me before. I've never pursued any romantic relationships with any girls, and I'm sure that's had to have made him scratch his head a few times throughout the years.

All I know is that tonight, with the way I've been feeling, and with being pressured to go out with that girl, and the issue of homosexuality coming up, I just really felt like a time bomb getting ready to go off at any moment. I'm tired of keeping this secret. I just want everyone to know already. Maybe then, everyone will stop always trying to find me a girlfriend, and asking me questions about that, and I'll finally feel more comfortable just being myself around everybody. I know it's going to eventually come to a head anyway, so I'm really feeling like getting it over and done with, working through all the issues related to that now while I'm younger rather than older, and hopefully just getting all this behind me so I can move on a little. I just hope everything will turn out for the best.

Any thoughts?

I Wish I Could Write

There are so many things I wish I could write on this blog. I keep trying to figure out how to write about certain things that's happened in my life. However, I keep having so much difficulty doing that. All the emotional turmoil that surrounds so many of the events of my life seems to just weigh me down whenever I begin. There's just too much to sort out. The stories are too long and too complex. My mind becomes so filled with emotions that I can't write down in words what I'm feeling, or what I've felt. I wish I could write more freely about the events of my life. Of things that's happened to me, of things I've learned, of things I've hated, and things I've enjoyed, people I've known, some whom I've loved, and places I've been and would like to go--some places I hope never to go again.

I have several regrets in my life. Probably the most profound in recent years would be telling my preacher what I struggle with. It was about this time last year that I told my preacher I struggle with homosexuality.

We had a meeting at church one night. I'd went to that meeting with my mind made up to ask my preacher for help, and to tell him. I waited for everyone else to leave, so it'd be just me and him. I asked if I could talk to him for a minute. He said sure, and so we sat back down. I told him I had a problem... and then I froze. I became so nervous I couldn't stand it. I was so afraid of what he was going to think of me. I managed to mention that I had went to a place for help back in April of that year. And then I couldn't say anything else. I just couldn't say anything. I felt stuck then like I do now in trying to write this. I remember just sitting there, nervously shaking my head and looking away, and I said a couple of times, "I just don't know how to tell you this". I then thought that since I couldn't speak the words to tell him, I'd come up with another way. I reached for my Bible and turned to a passage in Leviticus, where homosexual acts are mentioned as being prohibited and as sinful, and I told him to read it. He read through it and then just nodded slightly without looking up, and said, "Homosexuality?" I then nodded back and said, "Yeah".

After I'd finally made contact, that's when the questions came. He asked if I had ever had a homosexual experience. Did I have a boyfriend? (Believe it or not, that sounded so strange to me, hearing someone else ask me that. Up until then, everyone had always asked about me having a girlfriend--or lack thereof). And then there were many more questions after that.

I remember sitting there scared out of my mind. I was shaking all over, my left leg was bouncing up and down, and my jaw was quivering. I honestly don't know if there's ever been a time in my life where I was more nervous.

We ended that conversation with a prayer, and he told me he wanted to help me. I went home following that meeting with such a fear of the unknown. I wasn't sure how he was going to respond. I didn't know if he was going to help me or tell other people about me, or who knows what else. However, I did feel somewhat better having told him. I felt like the burden of keeping my big, dark secret had been lifted away from me.

So, why, you may be asking, is this one of my biggest regrets? Simple. Knowing he knew my secret caused me to be really paranoid around him. Not to mention, awkward. As a result, I gradually began distancing myself from him. But I was desperate for his help. And I wanted some sort of follow up. So, I eventually wrote him a letter, asking if he'd help me more directly. That was in, I think, January of this year. He ended up telling me he had a lot going on, and that he didn't think he'd be able to help me for the time being. That frustrated me quite a bit, because by that point, I'd begun to believe he just didn't want anything to do with me anymore. So, I kept trying to push him to help me, or to at least spend some time with me or to talk with me again. His response from that was to completely ignore me. Then, one day, as I was helping paint some at church, we had a couple of minutes alone time. He came up to me and said he wanted to talk for a minute. I thought good, but then he began talking about a lot of things that I honestly just took a lot of offense to. He basically told me he thought I was irresponsible and immature, and afraid of growing up. I can't say he was wrong on everything he told me, but on a few things I believe he was absolutely wrong. And I felt very hurt by that whole conversation. I felt like he was judging me, that he didn't really care about me, and the three months of constant avoidance which followed only seemed to back up those perceptions. I felt rejected, betrayed, and abandoned by the one person in my life who I thought would be the most understanding.

I felt terrible. And I just wished like crazy I'd never told him. I hated the way I felt around him. I hated that I'd spent all that energy and effort to tell him something so private and personal, and there seemed to be nothing positive at all to come about as a result of that. I ended up quiting church for awhile, because I just couldn't stand being around him. In April and May, I left every church service I attended literally crying my eyes out. I just wished so much that I'd never told him anything, that I could go back and forget all about telling him.

I'm back in church now. I've went the last four Sundays. I've tried to not hold a grudge. I've tried to forgive and forget and move on, and pretty much pretend that there never was anything awkward between us.

But I don't have any sort of relationship with me preacher now. I don't feel the way about him I used to. I wish that I did though. I wish things could be like they used to be. But that isn't the case. Neither of us know, I suppose, how to talk with each other. So we don't really. If he ever does bring up anything from before, I think I'll probably tell him to forget about it. That I don't want or need his help anymore. Telling my preacher has been one of the biggest setbacks I've had with overcoming homosexuality. Does that sound bad to anyone else? I mean, I know I'd planned on telling other people. I'd planned on asking others for help. My parents in particular. But after his somewhat negative response, those plans just went to the wayside. I don't know if I'll ever tell anyone else close to me again. I don't want to ruin anymore relationships.

I'm tired now. I know I haven't written this post the way I wish I could have, or would have liked to. My minds moving faster in thought than my hands are with writing. I just keep thinking about how I wish so many things could be different. I wish my life could be different. I wish I didn't have all the regrets I have. I wish some people could be more understanding.