One Christian gay guy’s thoughts and experiences along this whirlwind journey called life.
Tuesday, December 4, 2007
There Are No Good Titles For This Post
Last Thursday I was having a really bad day. I started the day by talking with my counselor, and naturally he got me to opening up about a few things and thinking about a few things that I'd been trying to bottle up. We talked for about an hour and that was that. I then sat around for a few hours considering everything we'd talked about. Then my brother stopped by later on that evening and told me some of his problems. Worry then sat in, and the next thing I knew I was so depressed I couldn't see straight. I felt lifeless. Completely lifeless.
When my Dad got home, the two of us went for a drive and I started talking to him about a lot of the things that's been bothering me lately. Things dealing with work, church, my brother, the future, you name it. And then I told him I'm attracted to other men. For about a minute you could have heard a pin drop. Then he got to asking me a few questions, the usual sort of things probably everyone is asked dealing with this. He was actually handling the news fairly well. I told him about my brother finding out, about my counselor, about my past, about everything. And of all of that, what seemed to bother him most was that I'd never told him before. He kept beating around the bush concerning that, and I really didn't know how to answer him. What exactly was I to say to him? I was worried you'd beat me up or hate me. Or, I was worried you'd do some other dumb thing I knew in my heart you'd never do. I was afraid. So, anyway, I couldn't really answer him on that one. He eventually asked about my mom, and said he thought she should know. I agreed and asked if he would tell her. He said he would, and then before everything was over and done with, he let me know he loved me.
It was all rather comforting in a way that I hadn't expected. Surreal would probably be a better choice of expressions. Or, perhaps odd? It wasn't at all how I'd imagined. My dad's overall response hasn't been anything like I'd imagined. It's almost like this is a non-issue to him. Like it doesn't matter. He hasn't treated me different at all, in any way. There has been a comfort to that, but I'll admit I'm a little torn by it as well. Shouldn't he be just as mad about this as I've been? Shouldn't he show some sort of feelings about this? I mean, it's as if I'd never told him. Then again, I'm worried he's just in denial, and then when it all sinks in, that's when the s**t is going to hit the fan.
I'm reasonably sure he told my mom last Sunday night. They came home from a church meeting and pretty much went straight to their room, which was unusual for them. And then yesterday, when mom came home from work, she seemed to make it her mission to avoid me. I knew my mom would have trouble with this news. She worries and gets stressed out about everything, and always takes everything so personally. I take after her in that regard. But still, I'm a little worried about where this is going to go. I'm not sure telling them was a good thing or a bad thing. After talking with my brother about this today, he seemed to be inclined to think it was a good thing that I told them.
I am trying to be optimistic. I don't want to fall to pieces over this. I'm just hoping that maybe it'll draw me closer to my parents the same way it's drawn me closer to my brother. And I do feel relieved that its out there now. It's not something I have to keep a secret from them anymore. In that regard, telling them is a great thing. I do see this as a possible step in the right direction. Being more honest and open with people usually is so much better than the alternative.
All I know is that my emotions have been all over the place the last few days, and I'm tired. I have been developing several new writing ideas, so I've been excited about that. I've actually been writing like crazy since I got laid off from work. I'm also really getting into the Christmas season. All the decorations are up and I've been listening to Christmas songs and movies. And I've also been hoping for snow. I thought it was going to the other day, but it went a little bit north of us.
While I'm at it, I want to thank everyone out there who have been praying for me and encouraging me, and putting up with my negative thinking here the last few weeks. And I especially want to thank Rik for all the help he's giving me. I also want to thank God for leading some of you to write about some of the things you've written about recently. I've read a lot of posts that really have lifted me up and got me to thinking more clearly about a few things. So, God bless all of you for everything.