One Christian gay guy’s thoughts and experiences along this whirlwind journey called life.
Saturday, December 29, 2007
A couple of weeks ago I was reading from the book God's Grace and the Homosexual Next Door, and there was a part in the book written by Randy Thomas where he talks about the first time God really entered his heart. He had went to a church service and overheard a lady refer to God as “Abba” in a prayer. He was curious about what that meant, and so after the service, he asked the lady about it. She told him that Abba meant daddy, and that it was a term of endearment toward God. Randy makes note that the thought of God being “daddy” was something he'd never considered. And since he had never had a daddy, the thought of God being that for him, opened his heart to God.
I read that and I thought a great deal about it. I have a dad. I love my dad, and I know he loves me. But I've rarely felt very close to my dad. I've wanted to. I've wanted so much for him to open up to me, but he won't. There were a lot of times when I was growing up that I felt so ignored and rejected by him. He wouldn't spend very much time with me. And I know that's made me feel, at times, as though I'm not very important to my dad. Things have been better between us in more recent years, but a lot of times it's been the same old thing even still.
The other day I wanted so desperately to spend time with my dad, but he was too busy doing other things—things which he easily could have put off to have spent a few minutes with me. I thought back to what Randy had written, and all I could think about was wanting God to be my daddy. I want to believe so much that God loves me and that I'm important to Him. I want God to take care of me and to love me and to fight for me and to satisfy whatever desires I may have. I want to trust Him like that.
I've prayed a few times now, asking God if He would be my dad, and even calling him that and thinking of him as my dad. That may sound a little funny to some of you, but I don't care. In a way, I feel like I'm an orphan whose just been adopted. I know God wants to spend time with me. I know I can go to Him at any time, and He'll be there for me. I know in my heart that He loves me and cares for me and wants the very best for me. I can't always say that about my earthly father, but I know I can say that about my Heavenly father. And this seems to fit really good.
I know a lot of people who struggle with homosexuality tend to struggle with believing in God. A lot of times, it is because they are afraid God, the Heavenly Father, will be just the same as their earthly father. Since a lot of homosexual men tend to have strained relationships, or no relationship, with their father, therein lies the struggle. Or they view God as someone who rejects and hates, as others have treated them. They have a hard time believing God could be any different. But I'm here to tell all of you that God is not like earthly men. He is greater than that! God never rejects, He never hates, and He never condemns anyone who will simply turn to Him and believe. He is not harsh, nor uncaring, but loving, understanding, and sympathetic to each of us. He has compassion for all of us. Oh how I wish everyone could know God for how marvelous He really is! Put simply, He is love. He is the greatest love any of us could ever know. He's the greatest love I have ever known.
I haven't always pursued God in my life. I think I have always believed in Him. But there have been times when I've turned away from him and pursued my own interests rather than His. There have been times when I've found it so hard to trust God and to allow Him into my life. But I don't want to be like that anymore. I don't want to be me anymore. I just want to be God's—in every way. I want Him to be my dad, and I His son. I cherish the thought of that. I hold that dear to my heart. I'm so glad, and I'm so overwhelmed, that God allows me, and all of us, to have that sort of relationship with Him.