Everything's Alright

This is a good little reminder sometimes.

You know, it's always baffled me as to why so many Christians have been against this movie over the years. Frankly, I just don't get it.

Things Change

I’ve never been one to handle life changes very well. Maybe I don’t handle any changes very well. I know things need to change from time to time, and I’m always open to suggestions or ideas from others. If someone comes up to me with a really good idea, I have no problem going with it, even if it means change on my part, because I know good is better, naturally. But when it comes to major life changes, I find them to be extremely difficult to go through.

I miss a lot of people. I’ve never been a social butterfly, if you will. I’ve never been one to get out much, and even if I did, in this neck of the woods there just honestly isn’t that much to do. I mean, literally, it’s a choice between going into the next county all the time (which takes gas money), or sitting in the local Kmart parking lot (boy, ain’t that fun!). And so, I just don’t get out much. What that means is that most friends I’ve made over the years have been people I went to school with, worked with, went to church with, or that I met online. I’m grateful for these friends, but when there’s a change in school, work, church, or online activity, I seem to lose touch with many of them. I miss my friends from high school. I miss all the different friends I made at my former job. I miss the people I used to go to church with. I miss my friends from college. And I miss some of my online friends. When things change, I know I am liable to end up falling out of touch with people and missing them. And so, I’m resistant to change.

I reflect a lot on my life. Certain moments, activities, and events I look back on with great fondness. Those are the good times, and… I miss them. I miss when my dad and I played video games together. I miss those calm, peaceful, nights when I worked at the lake. I miss student teaching. I miss going to Wednesday night prayer meetings. I miss going to college. I miss my old girlfriend. I miss when my nephews were babies.

There’s just so much I miss.

I’m too terribly sentimental about things. I leave a hotel room at the end of a vacation and stop and take a last look around to remember it, because I know once I walk out the door, I’ll probably never again be back in that same room. I understand completely why Lot’s wife probably felt that she had to look back before the destruction of Sodom. And I also understand why God told her not to look back. Sometimes it is best not to look back—especially if what you’re looking back at is on the shady side of things (or just outright sinful). But what if what you’re looking back on are the good times in life? In these cases, I think it’s best to remember them well, to cherish them in the bad times, and to always look to the future to include just as many, if not more, good times than the past.

It worries me when things look to be changing. There’s a great deal of unknowns that go along with that change. Will things be better, worse, the same but just different. You never really know upfront. But what helps me get through those worries, and to not worry as much as I otherwise could, is the fact that I know God is leading me in my life. When I look back, I see all the different ways he has guided me, and I see that He’s never failed me. I trust God that my future will hold great promise. I cling to the promise God makes to each of us in Jeremiah 29:11: “For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.” I believe in this with all of my heart. And so, whenever I begin feeling a bit too sentimental and clingy to the past or present, or worrisome about the future, I just try to remind myself of the promises and faithfulness of the Lord. With that in mind, things can change, and I can know that in the end I’ll be all right, that God will take care of me, and that there’s no reason to worry about whatever may come. God will see me through.

There Are No Good Titles For This Post

Last Thursday I was having a really bad day. I started the day by talking with my counselor, and naturally he got me to opening up about a few things and thinking about a few things that I'd been trying to bottle up. We talked for about an hour and that was that. I then sat around for a few hours considering everything we'd talked about. Then my brother stopped by later on that evening and told me some of his problems. Worry then sat in, and the next thing I knew I was so depressed I couldn't see straight. I felt lifeless. Completely lifeless.

When my Dad got home, the two of us went for a drive and I started talking to him about a lot of the things that's been bothering me lately. Things dealing with work, church, my brother, the future, you name it. And then I told him I'm attracted to other men. For about a minute you could have heard a pin drop. Then he got to asking me a few questions, the usual sort of things probably everyone is asked dealing with this. He was actually handling the news fairly well. I told him about my brother finding out, about my counselor, about my past, about everything. And of all of that, what seemed to bother him most was that I'd never told him before. He kept beating around the bush concerning that, and I really didn't know how to answer him. What exactly was I to say to him? I was worried you'd beat me up or hate me. Or, I was worried you'd do some other dumb thing I knew in my heart you'd never do. I was afraid. So, anyway, I couldn't really answer him on that one. He eventually asked about my mom, and said he thought she should know. I agreed and asked if he would tell her. He said he would, and then before everything was over and done with, he let me know he loved me.

It was all rather comforting in a way that I hadn't expected. Surreal would probably be a better choice of expressions. Or, perhaps odd? It wasn't at all how I'd imagined. My dad's overall response hasn't been anything like I'd imagined. It's almost like this is a non-issue to him. Like it doesn't matter. He hasn't treated me different at all, in any way. There has been a comfort to that, but I'll admit I'm a little torn by it as well. Shouldn't he be just as mad about this as I've been? Shouldn't he show some sort of feelings about this? I mean, it's as if I'd never told him. Then again, I'm worried he's just in denial, and then when it all sinks in, that's when the s**t is going to hit the fan.

I'm reasonably sure he told my mom last Sunday night. They came home from a church meeting and pretty much went straight to their room, which was unusual for them. And then yesterday, when mom came home from work, she seemed to make it her mission to avoid me. I knew my mom would have trouble with this news. She worries and gets stressed out about everything, and always takes everything so personally. I take after her in that regard. But still, I'm a little worried about where this is going to go. I'm not sure telling them was a good thing or a bad thing. After talking with my brother about this today, he seemed to be inclined to think it was a good thing that I told them.

I am trying to be optimistic. I don't want to fall to pieces over this. I'm just hoping that maybe it'll draw me closer to my parents the same way it's drawn me closer to my brother. And I do feel relieved that its out there now. It's not something I have to keep a secret from them anymore. In that regard, telling them is a great thing. I do see this as a possible step in the right direction. Being more honest and open with people usually is so much better than the alternative.

All I know is that my emotions have been all over the place the last few days, and I'm tired. I have been developing several new writing ideas, so I've been excited about that. I've actually been writing like crazy since I got laid off from work. I'm also really getting into the Christmas season. All the decorations are up and I've been listening to Christmas songs and movies. And I've also been hoping for snow. I thought it was going to the other day, but it went a little bit north of us.

While I'm at it, I want to thank everyone out there who have been praying for me and encouraging me, and putting up with my negative thinking here the last few weeks. And I especially want to thank Rik for all the help he's giving me. I also want to thank God for leading some of you to write about some of the things you've written about recently. I've read a lot of posts that really have lifted me up and got me to thinking more clearly about a few things. So, God bless all of you for everything.

Down and Out, Yet Again

I've felt sort of lost here of late.

Things at work are winding down, and I'm thankful for that. I'd got my hopes up last Friday when my boss called and said October 31st would be my last day. I was honestly ecstatic for nearly two whole hours. But then he had to call me again and say I'd still have another couple of weeks to go. I can use the extra money, but I'd rather have just been laid off. It's been a tough season. I've worked hard and I'm tired. And the crappy thing is that no one seems to appreciate any of the hard work I've done. I found out a couple of weeks ago that my boss does not think I've done a good job, and that he doesn't want to rehire me next season. Apparently, I haven't done good enough. Well, if he doesn't recognize all the hard work and effort I've put forth, then screw him, I say! I just wish October 31st would be my last day, or today for that matter, just so I can get away and start over someplace else. So, work sucks right now and I'm feeling stuck.

And, yet again, I didn't go to church this week. I'll be working the next couple of Sundays, so I guess I won't be going then either. I just don't know whether or not I believe church is good anymore. I can't help but see church as a place where everybody has their own thoughts and opinions and where they want everyone else to think exactly the same way as them, and where there's judgment and ignorance and condemnation. It seems too political. It seems fake. It doesn't seem Christ-centered at all. Everyone is doing their assigned task or duty and there's no meaning or thought to any of it. It's all staged as a show of faith, rather than a genuine act of faith. I know I could go to another church, but in all honesty, all the other churches I've ever been to seem to be exactly the same. I know I'm being harsh of the church. I hate feeling that way. And I recognize that maybe my problem isn't with church, but with me. But then again, I can't help but feel like I'm not important at my church. I feel a little like an outcast. I miss a few Sundays and nobody ever calls to find out if I'm okay or what's going on. My preacher completely avoids me, even if I am at church. Other people get together and do things, but they never invite me. I feel like I don't matter to anyone else. And the problem I have is that, shouldn't ALL people feel like they matter in the house of the Lord? If that's true, then why don't I? Why do I feel as though I can only be close to the Lord on my own time--when I'm praying at night, listening to Christian music, or talking with non-believers about God, or writing about spiritual things?

Then there's also so many other things weighing me down so heavily. I can't honestly think of anything in my life right now that seems to be going in a postive direction. I'm tired all the time, I don't have time for anything, my relationships with everybody is strained to say the least. I don't honestly have very many close friends, and some of the ones who are close, I can't even see. One of my best friends I actually met online back last year around this time, and we've never even met face to face. I don't know what I'm going to do once I do get laid off from work. And I'm worried about a lot of people, especially certain family members. I'm stressed out all the time it feels like.

I don't mean to be so negative sounding about everything. I know I am blessed beyond measure in so many ways, but something just isn't feeling right with me. Nothing feels right right now. If anyone would care to pray for me, I'd really appreciate it. I'm off from work today and the next two days, so hopefully I'll have some time to catch up on a few things and everything will be in a better light soon. I am looking forward to Halloween, so maybe that'll cheer me up a bit. Don't know.