I've felt sort of lost here of late.
Things at work are winding down, and I'm thankful for that. I'd got my hopes up last Friday when my boss called and said October 31st would be my last day. I was honestly ecstatic for nearly two whole hours. But then he had to call me again and say I'd still have another couple of weeks to go. I can use the extra money, but I'd rather have just been laid off. It's been a tough season. I've worked hard and I'm tired. And the crappy thing is that no one seems to appreciate any of the hard work I've done. I found out a couple of weeks ago that my boss does not think I've done a good job, and that he doesn't want to rehire me next season. Apparently, I haven't done good enough. Well, if he doesn't recognize all the hard work and effort I've put forth, then screw him, I say! I just wish October 31st would be my last day, or today for that matter, just so I can get away and start over someplace else. So, work sucks right now and I'm feeling stuck.
And, yet again, I didn't go to church this week. I'll be working the next couple of Sundays, so I guess I won't be going then either. I just don't know whether or not I believe church is good anymore. I can't help but see church as a place where everybody has their own thoughts and opinions and where they want everyone else to think exactly the same way as them, and where there's judgment and ignorance and condemnation. It seems too political. It seems fake. It doesn't seem Christ-centered at all. Everyone is doing their assigned task or duty and there's no meaning or thought to any of it. It's all staged as a show of faith, rather than a genuine act of faith. I know I could go to another church, but in all honesty, all the other churches I've ever been to seem to be exactly the same. I know I'm being harsh of the church. I hate feeling that way. And I recognize that maybe my problem isn't with church, but with me. But then again, I can't help but feel like I'm not important at my church. I feel a little like an outcast. I miss a few Sundays and nobody ever calls to find out if I'm okay or what's going on. My preacher completely avoids me, even if I am at church. Other people get together and do things, but they never invite me. I feel like I don't matter to anyone else. And the problem I have is that, shouldn't ALL people feel like they matter in the house of the Lord? If that's true, then why don't I? Why do I feel as though I can only be close to the Lord on my own time--when I'm praying at night, listening to Christian music, or talking with non-believers about God, or writing about spiritual things?
Then there's also so many other things weighing me down so heavily. I can't honestly think of anything in my life right now that seems to be going in a postive direction. I'm tired all the time, I don't have time for anything, my relationships with everybody is strained to say the least. I don't honestly have very many close friends, and some of the ones who are close, I can't even see. One of my best friends I actually met online back last year around this time, and we've never even met face to face. I don't know what I'm going to do once I do get laid off from work. And I'm worried about a lot of people, especially certain family members. I'm stressed out all the time it feels like.
I don't mean to be so negative sounding about everything. I know I am blessed beyond measure in so many ways, but something just isn't feeling right with me. Nothing feels right right now. If anyone would care to pray for me, I'd really appreciate it. I'm off from work today and the next two days, so hopefully I'll have some time to catch up on a few things and everything will be in a better light soon. I am looking forward to Halloween, so maybe that'll cheer me up a bit. Don't know.