Sunday, October 21, 2007

Down And Out On A Really Good Day

Today has been a really good day.

I spent the early morning with my brother. I didn't go to church today. I woke up so tired and exhausted that I just didn't want to go to church and gain even more frustrations than what I have already had here lately. I've struggled to go to church where I go for a very long time, and I've hoped for such a long time that things would improve. A few things have improved, greatly, the last two or three years, but something is still missing. I just don't feel like there's a place for me there. And I don't feel comfortable around my preacher anymore. So, knowing that skipping church isn't something I should do or would condone of others, I did skip church this morning. Instead, I stayed at home and assisted my younger brother--who hasn't attended church for a little over a year now--at playing Zelda: Twilight Princess. I discovered just how entertaining that game can be. In fact, I felt really drawn into it. Of course, it wasn't long until I began giving my opinion on every move my brother was making throughout the game. I don't think he minded that too very much. We were enjoying each other's company.

When my parents got back from church we decided to take a little trip through the countryside, touring valleys and river bottoms in the adjacent county. There was an old turn-of-the-(20th)century church building we stopped and looked at. It had wood siding, tall windows, wooden seats and floors and ceiling, a wood burning stove in the center of the room, and a piano that looked like it had lost it's prime back in the fifties. It was really cool. It was easy to imagine how this church and it's congregation would have been back in it's hay day. We also toured through an old graveyard, taking note of the names on the old marble headstones trying to figure out if we knew anyone who may be related to any of the people buried there. We drove through the valleys looking at the hillsides and creeks and rivers and the changing leaves, and it was so very beautiful. I couldn't help but feel relaxed. I felt calmed and relieved. I felt better. The last few months I've been so stressed with my job, it was just really good to get away for awhile. Even if it was for a short day trip.

This evening, I've simply taken everything in stride. I've tried to enjoy this day the best I could. I am tired though. And I do dread having to go back to work tomorrow. My job is almost over, and when it is, I'll not go back to work there again. I've worked for several years at my job, and I've got a lot out of the place where I've worked, but I know my time there is through. I found out last Tuesday that my boss doesn't like me, nor the job that I've done this year, and that he has no plans of rehiring me next season. That news has pretty much crushed my spirit the last several days. I've worked so hard and tried my best this summer to do the best job I could do that to find out something like this... well, it's just like all the life in me has been punched out of me. I feel as though all the hard work I've done has been in vain. I feel like I've wasted my time and energy and, well, my life. I mean, I'm not surprised by what my boss has been saying about me, but it still hurts. I feel like this is just another example of how my best never is good enough for anyone. I feel like I'm never good enough for anyone. Maybe this recent bit of news is God's way of telling me to move on? I had already been trying to decide whether I wanted to go back next year or not anyway. Maybe I've just not been listening closely enough to God? I did feel like He was telling me not to take the job this year anyhow, but I wouldn't listen. This may just be His way of telling me, "See, I told you not to do it". Then again, maybe this has nothing to do with God and all comes down to the mean and uncaring people of the world who wouldn't know a good thing if it come up and bit them on the ***. Either way, I'm tired and I can't wait until the day I get laid off from work.

Today has been a good day. I needed today. I just hope there will be a few more of them sooner rather than later.

2 comments:

jennypo said...

I recently lost my job, too, and it just feels stinky. I'm trying to remember that dependent on God is JUST where he wants me, and just where he can do something with me. Don't be too discouraged. This is a perfect place for God to do something wonderful with both of us. He demonstrated with his Son what he can do with any of us when the world kicks us out...

Take heart, my friend.

MR said...

Yeah,

I have lost jobs before, too, and that is no fun. When I have done my best and it is still not good enough, when my boss avoids me except to criticize, I know I am in trouble. At that point I start praying and looking for another job. God has always been faithful to provide another one when I needed it.

Actually, I now have a job I love and my boss is my friend. Even though the company is new and the starting pay is low, the future is bright and I would rather work here than get paid twice as much! I am so glad I left my old job.

It is great to read that you are stopping to enjoy the beauty of the world where God has placed you. Trusting in God and enjoying beauty like that will really help you deal with the stress. Start looking for another church, too, if it seems God would be more at work in and through you elsewhere.