Not Too Well

I’m not sure what it is, but the last couple of days I really haven’t felt very well. I’ve felt down, or depressed. This happens to me every once in a while and thankfully it has been a while now since the last time. But it seems to have landed squarely on me yet again.

I’m feeling a lot of pressure. I need a job (and there are a few I’m trying for--please pray for me about this), I have many family members needing my help, I have several projects of my own I’d like to finish but never seem to get enough time to finish them, and there are many decisions I’m just having to make very quickly. I feel tired, and to a very large extent, I just wish everyone around me would back off some.

On top of all this, I really wish I could find a boyfriend. I’m getting older and I know the older a person gets the harder this sort of thing usually becomes. That aside, I’m just ready for that sort of thing. I mean, I could spend my whole life alone and probably be content enough, but I would like to find someone who I truly could spend my life with and be happy together. I don’t think I want to be alone, content or not.

I wrote a post a couple of weeks ago, mostly dealing with changes in one’s life and trying not to worry. I haven’t posted it yet, because since writing it, I seem to have worried quite a lot about a lot of things, even though I’ve been trying really hard not to. I probably will still post it eventually, but I might need to rework it some first.

You know, I really don’t like a lot about my life. It’s not that things are really bad. It’s just that I’m tired of the way a lot of things have been. I want to have a better job, I want to be out on my own, I want my parents to actually give a darn and “parent” me when I need them to and to get out of my way when I need to take the lead myself, I wish I didn’t have to worry so much about money, and I wish… I just wish I didn’t feel quite so stuck feeling all the time. I feel like I can’t be who I want to be—in virtually any regard—and I’m so sick of that feeling.

I’m sure I’m just whining, and probably no one really wants to hear or read any of this. I guess I just need to vent a little and this forum seems to be a great refuge at the moment.

Give Me Your Voice and I'll Lend You My Ear

I thought seriously about continuing the poll, but I think I’ve decided against it. I’d rather get actual conversations as opposed to yes or no type answers.

One of the things I’ve had on my mind lately is my childhood. I don’t know why, but I keep reflecting back on all sorts of things. The other day I literally made a list of some of my favorite childhood movies. Afterwards, I watched a few of them and realized some might actually still be considered favorites. I’ve also thought about times when I was in elementary school. These memories have been good ones. They’ve not been bad. I’m not saying that all of my time in school was pleasant, but just that I’ve had the good memories on my mind.

I don’t know why, but I feel sort of an odd calm about life. I think that by reflecting back on the good times of my younger days, I’ve sort of been reminded of simpler times. And that’s made me yearn for that again.

I think people can take on too much work in their lives sometimes. I know I’m guilty of this. I try to do way too many projects all at once and then when I’m absolutely stretched for time, I feel like falling to pieces.

Life can sometimes be so complicated. And I keep asking myself why that is? I think, for the most part, we all complicate things for ourselves. Maybe that’s due to our misunderstandings or over-analytical personalities—who knows—but I think whenever our lives become overly complicated, we need to sit back for a moment, take a deep breath, and slow down. If we don’t, it will just cause us all sorts of problems (fatigue, frustrations, anger, strained relationships, etc.).

So, here’s what I’d like to know: Is your life too complicated? If so, what things do you allow complicate it? And what can you do to uncomplicated your life? How do you ease up some of the stress of life? Let me know what you think.

Anyone wanting to comment is welcome to do so.

Later! :)

Falling Forward

I seem to be at somewhat of a turning point in my life. I've been out of school for several years now, but I'm about to be going back. I'd be lying if I said I wasn't nervous about this. I'm excited about it, because I have been wanting to go back, but I guess I'm nervous because it's a new school (I'd went to a different one previously) and I'm still not convinced that the degree I'm going back for is the one I want. As if that wasn't enough to cause me some doubts, I may also have to quit my job in order to go. All of my classes will be on Tuesdays and Thursdays. I know I'll be able to change my work schedule to be off on those days, but that also means I'll have to work the rest of the days of the week and will have no days off for at least two or three months this fall. I think I can probably handle this, but I know I'm usually at my weakest when tired. It's when I'm tired that I most often give into temptations. I'm not trying to be pessimistic or negative in my thinking, but prepared. So, I've sort of mixed feelings about getting back in school.

Another turning point may be a little more spiritual in nature. I've given a lot of thought about stepping aside from a few of the leadership roles I've had at my church. I'm not yet convinced about doing this, but it's just something that's been on my mind for a while now. I get so frustrated with working on certain matters alongside some of the people at my church. I've found that when there is a conflict, I have trouble separating that from what should be the true purposes of church. I let the conflict consume me more than I should and cause me to have harsh feelings for what truly are really good people. I guess I hold a grudge. Because of that, I've seriously considered stepping aside. I've thought a lot about what church should be about and what my focus should be while there. Lately, I don't think I've been thinking of church in the right way. I've been thinking too heavily upon some of the conflicts and blocking out true worship of Jesus Christ among fellow saints. I've been thinking too negatively about the church. And so I know I either need to step aside, or figure out some other way of putting aside those negative feelings. Either choice is a hard decision to make. I've struggled some with knowing what God wants me to do about this. I feel like if I stay in the leadership roles I'm in, I'll be able to make a positive difference for a lot of people, but struggle to keep my focus on Jesus. But if I do step aside, I feel like I might feel closer to Christ and those in my church, but that I won't be able to do as much for others. So, there's my dilemma. I'm not sure which decision would bring about the most good. I just know I can't stay in this current state.

The last few weeks I have struggled a great deal with anger. Not just anger, but stress and worry as well. I've been bothered by things at church, at home, at work, and it's just all sort of overwhelmed me. I feel like there's no refuge or place I can get away. A friend at work recently told me that I'm one of those people who just bottles everything up and then finally explodes and goes off on everyone. I can see that in myself. I do tend to bottle up my emotions a great deal of the time. It's hard for me to let others know how I'm thinking or feeling. This blog has been an exercise for me in overcoming that. But I do tend to hold onto my emotions a great deal more than I should sometimes. I get frustrated with people who make dumb decisions and won't listen to any reasoning, and it angers me when their wrong decisions effect me in some negative consequence, or effects others in the same way. I find it so hard to give these sorts of feelings over to God, or to express them in healthy ways. When I get angry or frustrated or stressed, I tend to find myself not caring so much about what sins I commit. I begin to distance myself from God and others. I begin cussing like a sailor, which is something I really detest. I can't stand hearing that sort of talk from others, and it kills me how often I tend to just blurt out one of those little four-letter words without even thinking about it. I cringe practically every time I do. And I find myself giving into so many other things as well. It's just that I have a hard time working through my emotions. That's something I'm certainly going to be working more on. But in working through these things I'm hoping to improve my spiritual life some. I don't want to be holding any grudges and distancing myself from the church and those in it.

So, in short, I guess I could say that life is tough and sad and exciting and joyous and all the rest. I don't imagine that's a surprise to anyone reading. There are ups and downs to everything in this life. I guess the trick is to keep falling forward and to always place trust in God. I'm sure if I let Him, He'll lead me exactly where I'm supposed to go, and everything will work out as it should.

Down and Out, Yet Again

I've felt sort of lost here of late.

Things at work are winding down, and I'm thankful for that. I'd got my hopes up last Friday when my boss called and said October 31st would be my last day. I was honestly ecstatic for nearly two whole hours. But then he had to call me again and say I'd still have another couple of weeks to go. I can use the extra money, but I'd rather have just been laid off. It's been a tough season. I've worked hard and I'm tired. And the crappy thing is that no one seems to appreciate any of the hard work I've done. I found out a couple of weeks ago that my boss does not think I've done a good job, and that he doesn't want to rehire me next season. Apparently, I haven't done good enough. Well, if he doesn't recognize all the hard work and effort I've put forth, then screw him, I say! I just wish October 31st would be my last day, or today for that matter, just so I can get away and start over someplace else. So, work sucks right now and I'm feeling stuck.

And, yet again, I didn't go to church this week. I'll be working the next couple of Sundays, so I guess I won't be going then either. I just don't know whether or not I believe church is good anymore. I can't help but see church as a place where everybody has their own thoughts and opinions and where they want everyone else to think exactly the same way as them, and where there's judgment and ignorance and condemnation. It seems too political. It seems fake. It doesn't seem Christ-centered at all. Everyone is doing their assigned task or duty and there's no meaning or thought to any of it. It's all staged as a show of faith, rather than a genuine act of faith. I know I could go to another church, but in all honesty, all the other churches I've ever been to seem to be exactly the same. I know I'm being harsh of the church. I hate feeling that way. And I recognize that maybe my problem isn't with church, but with me. But then again, I can't help but feel like I'm not important at my church. I feel a little like an outcast. I miss a few Sundays and nobody ever calls to find out if I'm okay or what's going on. My preacher completely avoids me, even if I am at church. Other people get together and do things, but they never invite me. I feel like I don't matter to anyone else. And the problem I have is that, shouldn't ALL people feel like they matter in the house of the Lord? If that's true, then why don't I? Why do I feel as though I can only be close to the Lord on my own time--when I'm praying at night, listening to Christian music, or talking with non-believers about God, or writing about spiritual things?

Then there's also so many other things weighing me down so heavily. I can't honestly think of anything in my life right now that seems to be going in a postive direction. I'm tired all the time, I don't have time for anything, my relationships with everybody is strained to say the least. I don't honestly have very many close friends, and some of the ones who are close, I can't even see. One of my best friends I actually met online back last year around this time, and we've never even met face to face. I don't know what I'm going to do once I do get laid off from work. And I'm worried about a lot of people, especially certain family members. I'm stressed out all the time it feels like.

I don't mean to be so negative sounding about everything. I know I am blessed beyond measure in so many ways, but something just isn't feeling right with me. Nothing feels right right now. If anyone would care to pray for me, I'd really appreciate it. I'm off from work today and the next two days, so hopefully I'll have some time to catch up on a few things and everything will be in a better light soon. I am looking forward to Halloween, so maybe that'll cheer me up a bit. Don't know.

Down And Out On A Really Good Day

Today has been a really good day.

I spent the early morning with my brother. I didn't go to church today. I woke up so tired and exhausted that I just didn't want to go to church and gain even more frustrations than what I have already had here lately. I've struggled to go to church where I go for a very long time, and I've hoped for such a long time that things would improve. A few things have improved, greatly, the last two or three years, but something is still missing. I just don't feel like there's a place for me there. And I don't feel comfortable around my preacher anymore. So, knowing that skipping church isn't something I should do or would condone of others, I did skip church this morning. Instead, I stayed at home and assisted my younger brother--who hasn't attended church for a little over a year now--at playing Zelda: Twilight Princess. I discovered just how entertaining that game can be. In fact, I felt really drawn into it. Of course, it wasn't long until I began giving my opinion on every move my brother was making throughout the game. I don't think he minded that too very much. We were enjoying each other's company.

When my parents got back from church we decided to take a little trip through the countryside, touring valleys and river bottoms in the adjacent county. There was an old turn-of-the-(20th)century church building we stopped and looked at. It had wood siding, tall windows, wooden seats and floors and ceiling, a wood burning stove in the center of the room, and a piano that looked like it had lost it's prime back in the fifties. It was really cool. It was easy to imagine how this church and it's congregation would have been back in it's hay day. We also toured through an old graveyard, taking note of the names on the old marble headstones trying to figure out if we knew anyone who may be related to any of the people buried there. We drove through the valleys looking at the hillsides and creeks and rivers and the changing leaves, and it was so very beautiful. I couldn't help but feel relaxed. I felt calmed and relieved. I felt better. The last few months I've been so stressed with my job, it was just really good to get away for awhile. Even if it was for a short day trip.

This evening, I've simply taken everything in stride. I've tried to enjoy this day the best I could. I am tired though. And I do dread having to go back to work tomorrow. My job is almost over, and when it is, I'll not go back to work there again. I've worked for several years at my job, and I've got a lot out of the place where I've worked, but I know my time there is through. I found out last Tuesday that my boss doesn't like me, nor the job that I've done this year, and that he has no plans of rehiring me next season. That news has pretty much crushed my spirit the last several days. I've worked so hard and tried my best this summer to do the best job I could do that to find out something like this... well, it's just like all the life in me has been punched out of me. I feel as though all the hard work I've done has been in vain. I feel like I've wasted my time and energy and, well, my life. I mean, I'm not surprised by what my boss has been saying about me, but it still hurts. I feel like this is just another example of how my best never is good enough for anyone. I feel like I'm never good enough for anyone. Maybe this recent bit of news is God's way of telling me to move on? I had already been trying to decide whether I wanted to go back next year or not anyway. Maybe I've just not been listening closely enough to God? I did feel like He was telling me not to take the job this year anyhow, but I wouldn't listen. This may just be His way of telling me, "See, I told you not to do it". Then again, maybe this has nothing to do with God and all comes down to the mean and uncaring people of the world who wouldn't know a good thing if it come up and bit them on the ***. Either way, I'm tired and I can't wait until the day I get laid off from work.

Today has been a good day. I needed today. I just hope there will be a few more of them sooner rather than later.