So Long, 2012

It always amazes me just how much can take place in a year’s time. This year, in a lot of ways, has felt like a lot of years all rolled into one. That is to say, it has felt like a very long year. It is also one in which I will be glad to see come to an end.

This year, a lot like the one before it, was not a very good one. For much of the whole first half of it, I suffered one of the worst bouts of depression I’ve ever had. It was mostly in response to my grandmother’s death and all the things we had to go through in dividing her property, missing her terribly, dealing with the emotions of myself and others, and learning to live without her (it still tears at my soul just thinking about her—recognizing how great a loss her death has presented, knowing just how much she was a part of my life). But it was just a very difficult experience, and it quickly sent me headfirst into a depression the likes of which I hope I will never experience again. I had trouble sleeping a lot of nights, and when I did, I’d dream of some of the worst things imaginable. I overate to find comfort. I cried enough to fill up a small lake. I didn’t want to be around people, and isolated myself much of the time. None of it was worth a second go around.

The summertime of the year wasn’t much better. I’d worked really hard to achieve two particular job openings at work, at the end of the school year, and wasn’t considered for either one of them. This was after I’d had virtually every worker at the place tell me they thought I’d get one of the jobs. I thought I had a really good shot, too. It wasn’t meant to be though, and the way it happened, it just really bothered me. It was a deliberate snub. That, too, was something hard to get over.

I’ve also had some of the worst fights with my parents and brother this year—particularly with my brother. To listen to him, it was my fault I didn’t get a better job, it was my fault that I felt bad, it was my fault that my grandma died, it was my fault that the sun is hot. You name it, and it was my fault. Thankfully, he lost this attitude somewhere around the time school started back. If he’d have given me anymore grief, I’d have probably chucked him out the door.

It has also been a very difficult year financially. I’ve had to scrap by on pennies more times than I can recall this year. I’ve had financial aid payments from college to start paying back, a lack of work through the summer, and a reduction in my pay rate at work due to budget cuts. So, needless to really say, this has been somewhat of a constant worry.

It was also a very political year. I follow politics quite a bit, so I was all about the primaries in the spring and the presidential election in the summer and fall. If you’ve been following me much this last year, you will know how I feel about how that turned out.

Overall, things have improved the last two or three months though. I’ve been in better spirits, trying to keep my hopes up, and everyone in my family has tried to get along with each other much more. I’ve been out of that state of depression for a few months now—thankfully. I’m not in the best shape financially speaking, still, but I do see hope that that will turn around soon.

So much has happened this year though. And I’ve seen myself age somewhat through it all. There have been bad memories, but also some very good memories as well (and I don’t mean to discredit any of them). There have been dreams, or goals, met, made, and lost. There have been tough decisions to make and easy decisions to make; fun things to do and not so fun things to do. But all I can say is that I hope this next year is a better one. I will remain hopeful that it will be--and not be so superstitious as to allow the “13” part of it get in the way of it being a good one. :)

I wish everyone else the very best throughout this next year, too. May it be a truly blessed one.

Late One Friday Night

Well, since my last post, we have seen Mitt Romney completely outshine President Obama in one debate, and Vice President Joe Biden act like a complete disrespectful buffoon in another. In several swing states, Mitt Romney has now taken the lead, and in many other states, Obama’s lead is quickly diminishing. I think Mitt Romney is well on his way to winning this election. There’s still a lot of time (especially in the world of politics) for that to change, but I really don’t think it will. When President Obama can’t speak about anything other than Big Bird, it just goes to show how little he has to offer the American people, and how little he has to show for the last four years. But we’ll see.

On a personal note, I am overjoyed to say that Adele was indeed chosen to make and perform the theme song to the newest James Bond movie, Skyfall. I’ve heard the song and I have to say I think it’s amazing. I wouldn’t say it is the best of the Bond theme songs, but it is certainly a classic theme song and should rate in the better half. It really is a very good song, and her singing is by far the best since Sheryl Crow’s. I can’t wait to actually see the movie and see how they use her song in it.  Click here if you want to hear it.

I must also say that I have been thoroughly enjoying the build up to Halloween. I absolutely love this holiday. October just in general has always been one of my favorite months. The leaves are already changing, there are great, old, spooky horror films being shown (I’m watching the original House on Haunted Hill as I write this), and people are planning parties and decorating. It’s just a fun month. My family, for a couple of years now, has had a Halloween get-together where we’ve gone on some big Halloween themed scavenger hunt. Last year we expanded it to be town wide. It was so much fun. We’re planning on doing this again this year, and I can’t wait.

I’ve been writing quite a bit more the last couple of weeks as well. I’ve had several ideas just sort of sitting on the shelf, so to speak, for a few years now. I’ve had some breakthroughs in the development part of the stories, so I’ve been writing up a storm. One of the stories, in particular, I really do think is going to be quite good. I’m very excited about it.

I have been somewhat worried on the job front, but I’m trying not to focus too much on it. Recent budget cuts have decreased my pay somewhat, so I’m in the middle of weighing my options. I like my job, but if it’s not going to pay enough, I’m just going to have to figure something else out—either get a second job or just give this one up in favor of another one altogether. I hate the thoughts of the latter, because that could really hurt future prospects, but I know it’s become a very real reality. Anyway, it’s been on my mind, but, like I said, I’m trying not to worry too much about it. I have no doubt it’ll work out as it should.

Anyway, there’s a little bit of an update for you all. Overall, life’s been good and there’s been a lot to look forward to. I hope everything’s going well for all else. :)

Come On, Sugar

This song just makes me want to dance. I love it. It's called Come On, Sugar, by Joseph Birdsong. Joe's a member of the 5awesomegays on Youtube. If you've never checked out any of his videos, you should. He's so funny, and his energy is completely contagious.



Now that the song promo is out of the way, I want to apologize for not writing much lately. It occurred to me a few days ago that my blog's fourth anniversary has come and gone. As always, with each passing year, it amazes me how much time has transpired. I go back and read some of my older posts sometimes just to see how much life has changed. I can tell you, it has changed in some very significant ways. But to get back on point, I hope to write a bit more regularly in the following weeks. I've been trying to get my butt in gear and actually get more focused on my writing, not just for this blog, but for other projects as well. I have several books in the work, many started, but I do need to work harder to finish them. I swear, I'm all beginnings, but I suppose that's better than never even trying.

Anyway, just to fill everyone in on a bit of what's been going on with me, I'm heavily in the job searching business right now. Having graduated at Christmas with a teaching degree, I realized it might be a struggle finding a teaching job until next fall, but I am really getting desperate for work. I'd really like to get the next phase of my life up and going, and I just really miss being in the schools more.

Also, I sprained my ankle a few weeks ago. That put me out of commission for awhile. I honestly thought I'd broke it when it happened. It hurt terribly the first few days, and I couldn't even walk on it or without the aid of crutches. I am, thankfully, a lot better now, but believe me, when that baseball is soaring high over your head and you're standing on wet grass, don't be an idiot like me and try to jump up to grab it. Just let it go flying by, because otherwise you'll be likely to do what I did: come smack down in the wet grass, twist your foot inward, and find yourself screaming in the worst agony imaginable as the ligaments rip and tear apart inside your foot. Believe me, it's not fun. Let the ball fly by.

And that's pretty much the highlights of my life right now: sprained ankle, looking for work, and trying to write more (naturally, there really has been more to it than that, but I have to keep you wondering what else there is for future posts).

Stay young and free, whatever age you are! :)

Busy Little Bee

I often hear people talk about being too busy, or overworked. We all from time to time feel a little overworked, or rushed, depending on what is going on in our lives, and we can certainly become tired and stressed because of it. But I honestly think maybe it’s better to be overworked than underworked (of course a nice balance would be ideal).

When a person is underworked, or doesn’t have enough to do, they can become bored. They can begin doing things they shouldn’t. I know for myself not having enough to do can be a very depressing time. The beginning of this last summer, for instance, I found myself out of school, unemployed, and stuck at home by myself a great deal of the time. It took me a month to find something enjoyable to do to fill the time. Prior to that, however, I’ll admit I just sat around the house bored, trying to invent things to do, and in some cases, having too much time to contemplate sinning and to actually give into sin. This can be a downside to having free time. It’s why people overeat a lot of times, too—they become bored and eat because there’s nothing else for them to do, and eating can be an enjoyable activity to help pass the time. But one of the real downsides to having too much free time is that we become unproductive. Now, I don’t know about everyone else, but I like to feel as though I’m useful, or that I have a purpose or something I should be doing. I don’t like just sitting around. It makes me feel as though there’s nothing much to live for. That’s one reason I like being in school. I almost hate to say this, but I actually enjoy homework. I don’t like having so much that I worry I’ll never get it all done, but I do like having enough to help me keep from having an excess of do-nothing free time.

A lot of young people today, I believe, really are disadvantaged when their parents don’t make them work; even if it’s just doing chores around the house. Work, or having something you’re responsible for doing, really can help build your self-esteem and teach you the value of money and cooperating with others. When you work hard and you get money or some other reward in return, there’s a good feeling that accompanies that. I just finished a really lengthy homework assignment a few days ago that took a lot of time and effort on my part to finish. And even though I complained some about all that I had to do to finish the project, I’m really quite glad that I had it to do. It gave me something to be working on, to keep me busy and prevent boredom, and, now that it’s finished, I have something to feel proud of.

I wonder when work became such a bad thing. Seems like a lot of people I meet nowaday have this attitude against it. I notice it more and more among younger people though. In a way, I think people wrongly believe that work is just something to prevent them from having fun in life, or that it tires them too much. But I think when people think like that, they really haven’t thought the whole thing through. Yeah, having fun is, well, fun. But there can be such a thing as too much fun. And, of course, all play and no work can be just as dull as all work and no play. A trip to the amusement park can certainly become not so amusing after a few hours. That fiftieth ride on the roller coast and it will begin to lose its thrill. Too much fun, or too much of any good thing, usually has a way of becoming not so good. And then, when that does happen, the fall usually follows. Fun can take on a whole new meaning then—a more dangerous, often more sinful meaning.

The trick, really, is to find that ideal balance between work and play. We all need both to be happy, healthy, productive people. I may be busy as a bee a lot of times, but I really don’t think I’d want it any other way. Having work to do makes me feel good about myself, and it helps keep me from lingering on thoughts I shouldn’t have and doing things I shouldn’t do. On top of that, when you do work at something, you not only get the fruit of that work, but you really do make the time for play that much more valuable and meaningful.

Busy little bee, reporting for duty! And I couldn’t be happier about it.

Random Bits of Boredom and Some Thoughts on My Mind

As the title of this post would suggest, I have been literally bored out of my mind the last few days. This is the first summer in a while that I haven’t had a job. I’m used to working outdoors and getting my hands dirty. So far, this summer has been absent of that sort of work. Or, well, it’s been absent of the great degree of it to which I’m used to. With no job, and not being in school for the moment, I’ve had plenty of time to take care of some long time projects. My bedroom is the cleanest it’s been in months—no more stacks of books and school papers lying around on the floor for me!—I’ve compiled a four inch thick folder of worksheets and lesson plan ideas that I’d accumulated over the last two semesters (should really come in handy once I start teaching), I’ve written one short story, revised another, written more on a novel that’s been in the works for what seems like forever now, and thoroughly enjoyed as much reading, movies, video games, exercise, and exploring the countryside as I can possibly take in. On top of that, I’ve spent quite a lot of extra time with my family.

One thing I’ve not done yet, but been itching to do, is a carpentry project of some sort. If any of you didn’t know this about me, I actually really enjoy carpentry. I’ve been considering building a table or desk on account that the one I currently have just isn’t really big enough for all of my computer stuff. It’s also crossed my mind that I might be able to make a little extra money building some furniture. Money aside, and the need for a larger desk, I just really enjoy building things, feeling as though I’m making something useful, being productive like that. It’s actually been some time since I was last able to do any of this sort of work, so I really am looking forward to it.

On the subject of carpentry, has it ever struck anyone curious that Jesus, being God himself, the creator of the entire universe, was a carpenter by trade? I’m not sure if I’d ever really considered how perfectly suited the job of a carpenter was for him; after all, being a carpenter you get to create—just something neat to think about.

Something else I’m working on is getting a little healthier. I’ve been trying to eat better foods, and when I say that, I mean those with less than 100 grams of fat and five-thousand calories, which pretty much rules out fast food. The last couple of years, life for me had been so busy I’d allowed fast food to become my friend. The downside was that I’ve put on about thirty pounds. Yep, the diet is in full effect. No more eating out (at least no more than twice a month, if I can help it) and no more junk food. I’ve also gotten back on a regular exercise routine. I love jogging/walking. There’s a track that I like to go to just a mile or two out of town. It’s a nice place. I try to go at night, because I like the cool air and the fact that I usually get the place all to myself. It’s somewhere I can go and avoid any distractions and have the privacy to either talk through my thoughts or talk to God. And I love the sound of the crickets and seeing the lightning bugs in the field nearby. It’s just really peaceful. Usually I’ll walk five laps and jog or run five laps. Sometimes I’ll do more or less depending on the weather. In addition to jogging, I’ve been doing fifty to a hundred crunches and fifty pushups once every other day. So far I’ve managed to lose a little over five pounds. Anyone got any tips for me? I’d appreciate the advice.

I’ve been thinking about church lately. It’s been a while since I’ve went. To be honest, I’m afraid if I go back to church and something else goes wrong I’ll just end up wanting to quit it for good. I know this isn’t good. I believe Jesus meant for us, His followers, to be in relationship with each other. But I feel as though the church today just isn’t what it ought to be. And I’m not sure where, if I was going to go to church, I’d go. I’m not sure what I’ll end up doing. Maybe I’ll go back to my old church, maybe I’ll find a different one, maybe I’ll just take a little more time away from it to figure out what I’m doing. Only problem with that last idea is that I know not being in church isn’t helping me. I know I need the support it provides, even if that support only comes in the form of feeling as though I’m a part of something.

I’ve also been thinking about friends. I want to thank everyone who gave such good advice and comments for my last post, which was of this subject. One thing I realize is that I am a shy person. I also have trouble trusting people. So, it takes a while for me to open up to people. I realize that this doesn’t help me to make friends very easily. I know I can also be rather stubborn and perhaps even arrogant at times, neither of which can help when it comes to building a relationship with a person. I also recognize that it doesn’t help me any being gay and living in a rural part of the country, where being different isn’t typically considered a good thing to be. I’m not openly gay to too many people actually, but I know a lot of people think that about me. I know I do have some rather effeminate mannerisms and my voice is sort of soft. As Jay would call it, I have a little extra “sugar in my step”, so to speak (I don’t know why but I can’t help but like that expression). I’m sure a lot of guys see me and hear me speak and just automatically assume that I’m either gay or just too effeminate or different for their own liking. Regardless of whatever it is about me or otherwise that keeps me from making/keeping friends, I’m determined to keep on trying. I suppose it’s the stubbornness in me that keeps me from giving up.

Another thought on my mind is that I haven’t felt very close to my dad lately. I was playing the second Splinter Cell game the other night and out of nowhere this huge feeling of nostalgia came over me. I’m a terrible sentimentalist like that. I remembered a few years back when my dad and I played through the game for the first time. We played several other games together as well—mostly Medal of Honor and James Bond games. When we were playing those games I felt the most connected with my dad. I really enjoyed those times. There haven’t been very many like that when I felt so close to him. I struck up a conversation with him the other day about the Splinter Cell game, and I could see after a few minutes the fondness he has for those times as well. We ended up talking about the things we remembered most from some of the games and it didn’t take long for the excitement to grow in both of our voices. I’m hoping we’ll be playing one of the ole games together again soon.

Well, that should probably be just about enough from me. I’ll close with just one last thought, though. Does anyone else think that maybe it was a good thing that abortion doctor got shot recently? I mean, I hate that the man was killed, and by no means do I mean to imply that people should take up their guns and start killing doctors, but the man was admittedly himself the murderer of hundreds of unborn babies. I can’t help but feel as though a mass murderer just finally got what was coming to him. I know that probably sounds rather harsh, but seriously, with the man dead, his clinic has closed and who knows how many babies could now get a chance to live. Sort of makes you think a bit, doesn’t it?

(I want to add just this one last thing in order to avoid any further confusion. I do not condone the murder of Dr. Tiller. I think it was an awful thing that he was murdered. All I meant in the previous paragraph was that I think it's a good thing fewer abortions may take place now. But I do not think it was a good thing Dr. Tiller was murdered, nor do I believe his murderer had a right to do so. I'd have much rather him lived and somebody have been able to convince him to stop doing the abortions. And I want to apologize if my comments earlier seemed insensitive or uncaring. That really was not my intent.)

Sentimental

I may be giving myself away a little, but at this point I really don't care so much. I had to work late the other night and before leaving I decided to go for a little stroll around the dock where I work. The sun was just setting over the hillside and our customers had all turned in for the evening. The air was cool and soothing after the heat of the day. The water was perfectly still. The moon was shining bright across the water, and the stars were already coming out. I looked out onto the main body of the lake and suddenly felt lucky for having been assigned to work during this time. The beauty God had created all around me simply amazed me. Everything seemed so peaceful and calm, and I couldn't help but feel relaxed.

My mind soon began wandering, and I began thinking upon all the time I'd spent working there. I remembered all those tasks performed, all the coworkers who had come and gone, and all those good times and bad. It wasn't long until I began yearning for the past. I kept thinking about all those people who I'd worked with over the last few years. So many of them have gone on to other things, and I rarely see most of them anymore. In thinking about that, I remembered the guy I fell in love with a few years ago. I know there was no way I could have ever been with him—he wasn't/isn't gay. But I know I fell for him harder than anyone else I've ever known. He was a Christian, smart, funny, cute, kind, everything I ever looked for in another guy, and the more I was around him the more I loved him. I almost wanted to cry just thinking of him. I still see him from time to time, but it's far and few times between. When I do see him, it's not like it used to be. We're more along the line of acquaintances now than friends. I miss him. And I'll admit, I can't help but wonder sometimes what could have been had he felt the same about me. It's very likely that had he had feelings for me, I'd have gladly been his boyfriend. Who knows what different course that would have led me?

I don't just miss him though. I miss a lot of people. I've reached a point where I hate so very much having to say goodbye to people. I know from experience that once I do that, I'm very likely never or rarely to see that person again. Because of that, I hate having to say goodbye. I have that fear that when I do, I'll never see that person again. This is one of the main reasons why I've questioned my decision to become a teacher. You spend an entire year getting to know your students and then they move on in life while you stay put. It's a kind of sad profession in that sense. Not to say that it isn't extremely rewarding in other regards, but it's just that you lose people on a yearly basis who you've spent so much time with getting to know and love, and it hurts whenever you lose those you love—in whatever context that may be.

I think sometimes I must be the most sentimental person in the world. I have a great tendency to hold onto the past and long after it. I think back to good times and wish I could revisit them. I see a familiar spot alongside the road and just have to pull over. I think of people who have moved on in life and wish I could be around them again. I keep everything, because everything has a meaning and a story to it. I'm a real pack rat that way.

I know it's been hard for me to move forward in life because of that. I know my life could be a whole lot different in so many ways if I could just let go of the past. I know I let my past hold me back so much of the time. I may have found a better job, church, place to live, etc. by now if only I could have put aside the past and charged forward into the future.

Maybe there's fear there. Maybe I'm afraid of change. Maybe I'm afraid of the future. Maybe I'm afraid that what lies ahead won't be as good as what lies in the past or in the present. I think it's just that a lot of my past hasn't been what I'd call great. As a means of escaping real life, I've tended to lose myself in the thoughts of what were good times, and I long for those times and for what reminds me of them. I guess I just like the familiar and like to hold onto what's been dear to me. The places where I've lived, worked, went to school, church have all contributed to such a large part of who I am. My identity lies, in part, with these things and the people I've been around. To lose these things, I feel as if I lose a part of myself, or who I am.

I know I'm awfully sentimental this way. More than I should be. Sometimes it's just hard for me to shake my memories. And maybe in some ways that's actually a good thing more than a bad thing. I've learned it does help to think of the good times during the bad ones. There's hope in doing that. I just hope there'll be more good ones ahead.

I then began thinking about what job I may have five, ten, fifteen years from now. I wondered where I might be living. I wondered if I'd have a family of my own by then, or if I'd have completed writing what would hopefully be a bestseller novel, or accomplish any of the other hopes and dreams I've had. And as I looked out at the lake and thought again of God's beauty, I just felt His reassuring me not to worry, that there would indeed be plenty of good times ahead, new friends to make, and plenty of new memories to have and to hold onto.

I felt so at peace about that.

Falling Forward

I seem to be at somewhat of a turning point in my life. I've been out of school for several years now, but I'm about to be going back. I'd be lying if I said I wasn't nervous about this. I'm excited about it, because I have been wanting to go back, but I guess I'm nervous because it's a new school (I'd went to a different one previously) and I'm still not convinced that the degree I'm going back for is the one I want. As if that wasn't enough to cause me some doubts, I may also have to quit my job in order to go. All of my classes will be on Tuesdays and Thursdays. I know I'll be able to change my work schedule to be off on those days, but that also means I'll have to work the rest of the days of the week and will have no days off for at least two or three months this fall. I think I can probably handle this, but I know I'm usually at my weakest when tired. It's when I'm tired that I most often give into temptations. I'm not trying to be pessimistic or negative in my thinking, but prepared. So, I've sort of mixed feelings about getting back in school.

Another turning point may be a little more spiritual in nature. I've given a lot of thought about stepping aside from a few of the leadership roles I've had at my church. I'm not yet convinced about doing this, but it's just something that's been on my mind for a while now. I get so frustrated with working on certain matters alongside some of the people at my church. I've found that when there is a conflict, I have trouble separating that from what should be the true purposes of church. I let the conflict consume me more than I should and cause me to have harsh feelings for what truly are really good people. I guess I hold a grudge. Because of that, I've seriously considered stepping aside. I've thought a lot about what church should be about and what my focus should be while there. Lately, I don't think I've been thinking of church in the right way. I've been thinking too heavily upon some of the conflicts and blocking out true worship of Jesus Christ among fellow saints. I've been thinking too negatively about the church. And so I know I either need to step aside, or figure out some other way of putting aside those negative feelings. Either choice is a hard decision to make. I've struggled some with knowing what God wants me to do about this. I feel like if I stay in the leadership roles I'm in, I'll be able to make a positive difference for a lot of people, but struggle to keep my focus on Jesus. But if I do step aside, I feel like I might feel closer to Christ and those in my church, but that I won't be able to do as much for others. So, there's my dilemma. I'm not sure which decision would bring about the most good. I just know I can't stay in this current state.

The last few weeks I have struggled a great deal with anger. Not just anger, but stress and worry as well. I've been bothered by things at church, at home, at work, and it's just all sort of overwhelmed me. I feel like there's no refuge or place I can get away. A friend at work recently told me that I'm one of those people who just bottles everything up and then finally explodes and goes off on everyone. I can see that in myself. I do tend to bottle up my emotions a great deal of the time. It's hard for me to let others know how I'm thinking or feeling. This blog has been an exercise for me in overcoming that. But I do tend to hold onto my emotions a great deal more than I should sometimes. I get frustrated with people who make dumb decisions and won't listen to any reasoning, and it angers me when their wrong decisions effect me in some negative consequence, or effects others in the same way. I find it so hard to give these sorts of feelings over to God, or to express them in healthy ways. When I get angry or frustrated or stressed, I tend to find myself not caring so much about what sins I commit. I begin to distance myself from God and others. I begin cussing like a sailor, which is something I really detest. I can't stand hearing that sort of talk from others, and it kills me how often I tend to just blurt out one of those little four-letter words without even thinking about it. I cringe practically every time I do. And I find myself giving into so many other things as well. It's just that I have a hard time working through my emotions. That's something I'm certainly going to be working more on. But in working through these things I'm hoping to improve my spiritual life some. I don't want to be holding any grudges and distancing myself from the church and those in it.

So, in short, I guess I could say that life is tough and sad and exciting and joyous and all the rest. I don't imagine that's a surprise to anyone reading. There are ups and downs to everything in this life. I guess the trick is to keep falling forward and to always place trust in God. I'm sure if I let Him, He'll lead me exactly where I'm supposed to go, and everything will work out as it should.

Off Track

Yesterday was a really good day. I felt good. My Dad surprised me by staying home from work. He'd woke up a little on the sickly side and so he took the day off. It turned out to be just me and him for most of the day. We both ate breakfast (I had frosted flakes) and then we sat around and talked politics for almost two hours in the living room. That's always been sort of a thing we've both enjoyed. It's one of the few things we can both relate to each other about, given that we share most of the same political views. After that, he suggested we go play two-player on one of my video games. That's something we used to do a lot back a few years ago, but had kind of gotten out of. I always loved those times with my dad, so I eagerly agreed. We then spent the next hour or so playing against each other (I pretty much blasted him into tomorrow).

After that, my grandparents came by for a few minutes and I got to spend time with them too. It had been awhile since I'd been able to do that. Then, not long after, my brother phoned and said he had a flat tire and he wanted my help with it. I drove over to his place and got to see him and one of my nephews, and even though we had to change the tire in the dark and in the cold rain I enjoyed every minute of getting to be around them.

I've been doing a lot of thinking the last few days. I've come to the conclusion I've gotten off track. The last few months I haven't been going to church very regularly. In fact, I've hardly been at all since about last May. I just couldn't bring myself to go. The last several times I attended, back in the spring, I left every service crying my eyes out. I was so frustrated with the way things had turned out between me and my preacher that I just couldn't stand being around him. I felt like he'd judged me. I felt angry at him for that. And I felt sort of abandoned by him and the rest of the people at my church. I no longer trusted them, or what they had to say. So, I just stopped going. I didn't realize it until just a few days ago, but I'd let those feelings against my preacher and church swell to the point of being a full-fledged grudge against the church as a whole. My attitude was one of distaste and anger, feeling as though there was little point, or little good, in me attending church. I realize I was wrong about that. Terribly wrong! Besides, my grudge wasn't against the church, it was against a preacher who did his best to help me, but simply didn't know how to help me. Was I right to hold a grudge against him for that? I don't think so. Was I right to not go to church? Absolutely not! If I couldn't bring myself to go to this church, I should have at least went to another one.

Despite my feelings, I decided to go to church this week. After attending, I realized how much I've been missing out on—fellowship with other believers, messages of hope, love, and encouragement, Bible lessons, and prayer. But most of all, I missed that feeling of peace I usually get when I'm in church. I need to be in church. I need to have Christian influence in my life. And I need to free myself from all these negative feelings that's been festering up inside of me for so long now.

That goes not only for church, but with life in general. For the last eight months I worked at a job which literally sucked the life out of me. I had a boss who was an absolute nightmare to work for, workers who drove me crazy with their incompetence, and self-righteous, arrogant customers who couldn't care less about their fellow man if their lives depended on it. To be blunt, I hated my job. I dreaded being around some of the other people I had to be around. I despised having to be around some of them. I know now that those negative feelings for a few others caused me to become so very rude, hateful, and uncaring to a few people I in no way ever wanted to be that way to. I think maybe I'd been that way quite a bit actually, and I regret that. I'm no longer working there, and I thank God for that. I don't have to be in that sort of atmosphere on a daily basis anymore. And being freed from all those negative feelings related to that place I've been able to see just how far away from being Christlike to others I'd become. That's one thing I sure hope to remedy, and fast.

In recent weeks I've given a lot of thought to giving up. I've felt so frustrated and lonely and angry that I just haven't cared about anything. I've backed away from a lot of people, including God, and that needs to change. There's a lot I do care about. There's a lot of people I care about. And I don't want to hurt them. Furthermore, I don't want to hurt myself. I've thought a lot about giving up my fight against homosexuality and just embracing it. In the long run of things, I know that would never make me happy. I realize I've drifted down the wrong road in my thinking. I don't want to be angry and selfish all the time, and I don't want to give into things I know better than to give in to. So, my goal for now is to get back on the right track. To make peace with God, myself, and everybody else, to start caring again, and to figure out what I truly want for myself in life and to go for it.

God, please help me! And please forgive me for being so stupid here lately. You taught me to be better than this.

Making Decisions

Okay, so I've come to a better understanding of things. I am feeling better now, which is good, and I just want to thank everyone who commented and/or prayed for me recently.

I realize I've been holding myself back. I took the job I've got now without even wanting it. I didn't even want to work at the same place again this year. However, I took the job because I was afraid of finding another place to work at. I was used to the operations and people of where I was, and I was comfortable there. I enjoyed the social aspect of it probably the most. Working there has been my biggest outlet for being able to meet and be friends with other guys. I really just didn't want to have to give that up. And I was afraid that I might not like anywhere else any better. I was also prideful. I was asked to accept a promotion with more power and a little more pay and I jumped at the chance. Thing is, I knew I shouldn't have taken the job. I knew last year that I shouldn't go back for another season, but I did it anyway. I did it knowing that that's not what God wanted me to do. And then, after taking the job and finding out just how miserable it was making me, I foolishly decided to stick it out because I didn't want it to got the best of me. I didn't want to be ran off or forced to quit by my boss or anyone else, and I wanted to prove to myself that I could handle whatever hardships would be thrown my way. Well, I realize that in doing so, I have let the job get the best of me. I set myself up for hardships. I've allowed so much stress, anger, worry, frustration, and self-doubt to come into my life that it's just literally tore me apart. So, my decision is to finish out the next couple of weeks, if I can, and then move on and not ever look back. I won't accept that job ever again. And although I'd rather be laid off already, another couple of weeks I'm sure I can handle. I'm going to be positive about that. Rather than thinking oh man, not two more weeks, I'm going to think thank God, in two more weeks things will be better. I'm going to be hopeful rather than hopeless.

As for church, I kind of liked Rik Fleming's advice that he gave me in his comment to my last post. He talked about trying to give more to the others at my church and seeing where that would lead me. I think that's what I'll do. I know one thing that's hurt me there is that I don't speak out often enough. If I have questions or problems with certain things said, or if I don't understand something, like during Sunday school lessons or such, I usually just keep quiet. Well, I know I shouldn't keep quiet. I also know that I need to sit down and talk things out with my preacher. I've kept quiet concerning him as well for far too long. Long enough that I've started resenting him and being angry with him. Both of which I know I shouldn't be. I don't think he's meant to treat me bad, just that he hasn't known how to treat me. He doesn't know how to handle the fact that I'm attracted to other men. I can tell that I'm probably only the first or second person to ever confront him about homosexuality like this. I know that he doesn't understand a lot of things, and I know that from the way he's talked to me, he sees homosexuals mostly from the stereotypical point of view. He's only known the sort of homosexual the media most often promotes (the militant, liberal, promiscuous, drag-queen). So, he doesn't know how to help me or how to relate to me because of that. He thinks I'm something that I'm not. And really, I don't think that's entirely his fault. He's only seen a limited view of homosexuality. And I haven't explained myself well enough, I know. Of the three times we talked about this, I was mostly too afraid to do much talking. I was too nervous to really speak up as I should have. That alone has caused me frustration with myself. So, altogether, I know I need to just be myself more, speak up, and hope for the best.

I don't know that I'll continue going to church where I have. There's a lot that I do like about my church, but there's just a lot I have some conflict with too. Maybe I'll try out a few different churches I've never been to before and see if any of them stick. Whatever I do, I know I need to put my trust more in the Lord. And that goes for all things. All those worries and the stress and frustrations and anger, I need to take all that to God. I haven't been doing that like I should. And I know I need to keep my focus more on what God thinks of me than what others think of me. I shouldn't let what others think tear me down.

I really do want to thank everyone again who commented on my last two posts. Your encouragement, advice, and prayers surely have lifted my spirit and helped. I don't care what anyone else says, it's good to have "online" friends. Thanks a bunch to all of you.

Oh, and Happy Halloween to everyone!

Down and Out, Yet Again

I've felt sort of lost here of late.

Things at work are winding down, and I'm thankful for that. I'd got my hopes up last Friday when my boss called and said October 31st would be my last day. I was honestly ecstatic for nearly two whole hours. But then he had to call me again and say I'd still have another couple of weeks to go. I can use the extra money, but I'd rather have just been laid off. It's been a tough season. I've worked hard and I'm tired. And the crappy thing is that no one seems to appreciate any of the hard work I've done. I found out a couple of weeks ago that my boss does not think I've done a good job, and that he doesn't want to rehire me next season. Apparently, I haven't done good enough. Well, if he doesn't recognize all the hard work and effort I've put forth, then screw him, I say! I just wish October 31st would be my last day, or today for that matter, just so I can get away and start over someplace else. So, work sucks right now and I'm feeling stuck.

And, yet again, I didn't go to church this week. I'll be working the next couple of Sundays, so I guess I won't be going then either. I just don't know whether or not I believe church is good anymore. I can't help but see church as a place where everybody has their own thoughts and opinions and where they want everyone else to think exactly the same way as them, and where there's judgment and ignorance and condemnation. It seems too political. It seems fake. It doesn't seem Christ-centered at all. Everyone is doing their assigned task or duty and there's no meaning or thought to any of it. It's all staged as a show of faith, rather than a genuine act of faith. I know I could go to another church, but in all honesty, all the other churches I've ever been to seem to be exactly the same. I know I'm being harsh of the church. I hate feeling that way. And I recognize that maybe my problem isn't with church, but with me. But then again, I can't help but feel like I'm not important at my church. I feel a little like an outcast. I miss a few Sundays and nobody ever calls to find out if I'm okay or what's going on. My preacher completely avoids me, even if I am at church. Other people get together and do things, but they never invite me. I feel like I don't matter to anyone else. And the problem I have is that, shouldn't ALL people feel like they matter in the house of the Lord? If that's true, then why don't I? Why do I feel as though I can only be close to the Lord on my own time--when I'm praying at night, listening to Christian music, or talking with non-believers about God, or writing about spiritual things?

Then there's also so many other things weighing me down so heavily. I can't honestly think of anything in my life right now that seems to be going in a postive direction. I'm tired all the time, I don't have time for anything, my relationships with everybody is strained to say the least. I don't honestly have very many close friends, and some of the ones who are close, I can't even see. One of my best friends I actually met online back last year around this time, and we've never even met face to face. I don't know what I'm going to do once I do get laid off from work. And I'm worried about a lot of people, especially certain family members. I'm stressed out all the time it feels like.

I don't mean to be so negative sounding about everything. I know I am blessed beyond measure in so many ways, but something just isn't feeling right with me. Nothing feels right right now. If anyone would care to pray for me, I'd really appreciate it. I'm off from work today and the next two days, so hopefully I'll have some time to catch up on a few things and everything will be in a better light soon. I am looking forward to Halloween, so maybe that'll cheer me up a bit. Don't know.

Down And Out On A Really Good Day

Today has been a really good day.

I spent the early morning with my brother. I didn't go to church today. I woke up so tired and exhausted that I just didn't want to go to church and gain even more frustrations than what I have already had here lately. I've struggled to go to church where I go for a very long time, and I've hoped for such a long time that things would improve. A few things have improved, greatly, the last two or three years, but something is still missing. I just don't feel like there's a place for me there. And I don't feel comfortable around my preacher anymore. So, knowing that skipping church isn't something I should do or would condone of others, I did skip church this morning. Instead, I stayed at home and assisted my younger brother--who hasn't attended church for a little over a year now--at playing Zelda: Twilight Princess. I discovered just how entertaining that game can be. In fact, I felt really drawn into it. Of course, it wasn't long until I began giving my opinion on every move my brother was making throughout the game. I don't think he minded that too very much. We were enjoying each other's company.

When my parents got back from church we decided to take a little trip through the countryside, touring valleys and river bottoms in the adjacent county. There was an old turn-of-the-(20th)century church building we stopped and looked at. It had wood siding, tall windows, wooden seats and floors and ceiling, a wood burning stove in the center of the room, and a piano that looked like it had lost it's prime back in the fifties. It was really cool. It was easy to imagine how this church and it's congregation would have been back in it's hay day. We also toured through an old graveyard, taking note of the names on the old marble headstones trying to figure out if we knew anyone who may be related to any of the people buried there. We drove through the valleys looking at the hillsides and creeks and rivers and the changing leaves, and it was so very beautiful. I couldn't help but feel relaxed. I felt calmed and relieved. I felt better. The last few months I've been so stressed with my job, it was just really good to get away for awhile. Even if it was for a short day trip.

This evening, I've simply taken everything in stride. I've tried to enjoy this day the best I could. I am tired though. And I do dread having to go back to work tomorrow. My job is almost over, and when it is, I'll not go back to work there again. I've worked for several years at my job, and I've got a lot out of the place where I've worked, but I know my time there is through. I found out last Tuesday that my boss doesn't like me, nor the job that I've done this year, and that he has no plans of rehiring me next season. That news has pretty much crushed my spirit the last several days. I've worked so hard and tried my best this summer to do the best job I could do that to find out something like this... well, it's just like all the life in me has been punched out of me. I feel as though all the hard work I've done has been in vain. I feel like I've wasted my time and energy and, well, my life. I mean, I'm not surprised by what my boss has been saying about me, but it still hurts. I feel like this is just another example of how my best never is good enough for anyone. I feel like I'm never good enough for anyone. Maybe this recent bit of news is God's way of telling me to move on? I had already been trying to decide whether I wanted to go back next year or not anyway. Maybe I've just not been listening closely enough to God? I did feel like He was telling me not to take the job this year anyhow, but I wouldn't listen. This may just be His way of telling me, "See, I told you not to do it". Then again, maybe this has nothing to do with God and all comes down to the mean and uncaring people of the world who wouldn't know a good thing if it come up and bit them on the ***. Either way, I'm tired and I can't wait until the day I get laid off from work.

Today has been a good day. I needed today. I just hope there will be a few more of them sooner rather than later.