One Christian gay guy’s thoughts and experiences along this whirlwind journey called life.
Tuesday, November 27, 2007
Yesterday was a really good day. I felt good. My Dad surprised me by staying home from work. He'd woke up a little on the sickly side and so he took the day off. It turned out to be just me and him for most of the day. We both ate breakfast (I had frosted flakes) and then we sat around and talked politics for almost two hours in the living room. That's always been sort of a thing we've both enjoyed. It's one of the few things we can both relate to each other about, given that we share most of the same political views. After that, he suggested we go play two-player on one of my video games. That's something we used to do a lot back a few years ago, but had kind of gotten out of. I always loved those times with my dad, so I eagerly agreed. We then spent the next hour or so playing against each other (I pretty much blasted him into tomorrow).
After that, my grandparents came by for a few minutes and I got to spend time with them too. It had been awhile since I'd been able to do that. Then, not long after, my brother phoned and said he had a flat tire and he wanted my help with it. I drove over to his place and got to see him and one of my nephews, and even though we had to change the tire in the dark and in the cold rain I enjoyed every minute of getting to be around them.
I've been doing a lot of thinking the last few days. I've come to the conclusion I've gotten off track. The last few months I haven't been going to church very regularly. In fact, I've hardly been at all since about last May. I just couldn't bring myself to go. The last several times I attended, back in the spring, I left every service crying my eyes out. I was so frustrated with the way things had turned out between me and my preacher that I just couldn't stand being around him. I felt like he'd judged me. I felt angry at him for that. And I felt sort of abandoned by him and the rest of the people at my church. I no longer trusted them, or what they had to say. So, I just stopped going. I didn't realize it until just a few days ago, but I'd let those feelings against my preacher and church swell to the point of being a full-fledged grudge against the church as a whole. My attitude was one of distaste and anger, feeling as though there was little point, or little good, in me attending church. I realize I was wrong about that. Terribly wrong! Besides, my grudge wasn't against the church, it was against a preacher who did his best to help me, but simply didn't know how to help me. Was I right to hold a grudge against him for that? I don't think so. Was I right to not go to church? Absolutely not! If I couldn't bring myself to go to this church, I should have at least went to another one.
Despite my feelings, I decided to go to church this week. After attending, I realized how much I've been missing out on—fellowship with other believers, messages of hope, love, and encouragement, Bible lessons, and prayer. But most of all, I missed that feeling of peace I usually get when I'm in church. I need to be in church. I need to have Christian influence in my life. And I need to free myself from all these negative feelings that's been festering up inside of me for so long now.
That goes not only for church, but with life in general. For the last eight months I worked at a job which literally sucked the life out of me. I had a boss who was an absolute nightmare to work for, workers who drove me crazy with their incompetence, and self-righteous, arrogant customers who couldn't care less about their fellow man if their lives depended on it. To be blunt, I hated my job. I dreaded being around some of the other people I had to be around. I despised having to be around some of them. I know now that those negative feelings for a few others caused me to become so very rude, hateful, and uncaring to a few people I in no way ever wanted to be that way to. I think maybe I'd been that way quite a bit actually, and I regret that. I'm no longer working there, and I thank God for that. I don't have to be in that sort of atmosphere on a daily basis anymore. And being freed from all those negative feelings related to that place I've been able to see just how far away from being Christlike to others I'd become. That's one thing I sure hope to remedy, and fast.
In recent weeks I've given a lot of thought to giving up. I've felt so frustrated and lonely and angry that I just haven't cared about anything. I've backed away from a lot of people, including God, and that needs to change. There's a lot I do care about. There's a lot of people I care about. And I don't want to hurt them. Furthermore, I don't want to hurt myself. I've thought a lot about giving up my fight against homosexuality and just embracing it. In the long run of things, I know that would never make me happy. I realize I've drifted down the wrong road in my thinking. I don't want to be angry and selfish all the time, and I don't want to give into things I know better than to give in to. So, my goal for now is to get back on the right track. To make peace with God, myself, and everybody else, to start caring again, and to figure out what I truly want for myself in life and to go for it.
God, please help me! And please forgive me for being so stupid here lately. You taught me to be better than this.