Last night, I fell apart and gave into sin. I'd felt really upset about a few things going on in my life right now, and on top of that, I was feeling very lonely. For a few reasons I've felt somewhat rejected the last two or three days, and I suppose I let that get the better of me. After a few hours of sporadic crying and feeling sorry for myself, I resolved to go online and try to get my mind off of everything. I checked my email, looked at the comments from my last post, commented back, and then just started browsing a few other websites I like to look up from time to time. Well, I should have known better. Feeling lonely and depressed, and being online, is never a good idea for me. I ended up looking up a couple of pornographic websites I used to look up quite regularly back a year or two ago. And naturally, that led to me giving in to masturbation. By one in the morning last night, I'd managed to make myself feel even worse than I did to begin with. I turned last night into a night of rebellion, giving into sinful temptations I knew better than to give into. I knew I should have turned to God with all those things that's been bothering me. I should have let Jesus fill that void that I've been feeling lately. But that's not what I did. I turned to things which didn't satisfy any of those feelings, but only left me feeling dirty and so full of remorse that I went to bed crying my eyes out, hoping like crazy God would forgive me.
This morning, I woke up feeling just as bad as I did last night. I felt lifeless and empty, and so depressed that I couldn't stand it. I decided to write to my Setting Captives Free mentor and confess what I'd done, and to ask him to pray for me about the things that have been bothering me. In the middle of writing to him, I realized he didn't need to be the first person I turned to for help. I knew I needed to turn to Jesus to make things right. I stopped my writing, bowed my head, and prayed. I took everything to Jesus first. I asked Him to forgive me, and to help me with everything that's been going on. I did what I should have done in the first place when I first started feeling bad. That's helped me. I don't feel quite as bad now as I did. I do still feel bad about what I did last night, because I knew better than to do those things, but I know I made the right decision today, and I've made things right with God again.
I just wish I could remember to always turn to Jesus first! I wish I could get it stuck in my mind to always trust Him to help me--in all things. I don't know why I can't seem to fully learn that lesson. I don't know why I keep turning to all those other things all the time. I know they never help me. They only leave me feeling worse--about myself, and everything. I know nothing but Jesus ever really works to make me happy. He's the only one who ever satisfies me. He's the only one whose always there for me, loves me, comforts me, and cares for me. He's the best friend anyone could ever have.
So why do I keep turning to other things?