Legal

It occurs to me that one of the greatest frustrations and struggles I’ve had in my adult life is to avoid certain sins I am prone/tempted to commit. At times I have had great success at resisting these sins. Other times, I have failed miserably.

I used to get really depressed every time I had a fall. I would try really hard not to, would make it for some time, and then would inevitably have a stumble. And I’d beat myself up over and over again for each little stumble I had. I’d pray for forgiveness, try again, have some success for a time, and then fall again. It was a horrible pattern that I couldn’t seem to break free of. And I’d listen to people tell me and others that it just takes time, that I was probably just setting myself up to fail somehow, and that if I’d just pray harder, fight harder, believe harder, and have greater patience, I would eventually reach a point of not sinning but very rarely, or being able to avoid certain sins altogether.

That hasn’t worked.

I’ve thought a lot about why I haven’t been able to completely keep myself from sinning. Why haven’t I had greater success? I think the answer is simple: I am a fallen human being, stained by sin, tempted by the devil, and made weak. I cannot do anything on my own to bring about my salvation, nor (more likely) totally go without ever sinning again. With this in mind, I think if humans were capable of ever completely resisting sin in the first place, then why did we need Jesus? We wouldn’t have. We would all have simply been able to uphold every letter of the law at all times and would have been saved by our own doing. We couldn’t do that though. We needed Jesus to save us. We needed a new covenant.

When I look back at the last several years I can see that more often than not I was trying to live up to the old law, looking at my faith in a very legalistic mindset—that if I’d just say and do all the right things, I would be okay. The problem with that mindset is that it devalues the sacrifice Christ made for each of us. He saved us, taking our sins upon himself, and offering us forgiveness and grace. We are not bound by the old laws. When we act as though we are, as if our salvation is dependent upon our following the law in the strictest sense, we make Christ’s sacrifice meaningless.

Jesus made things very simple for us. He told us to love God with all our hearts, souls, and minds. He told us to love our neighbors as ourselves. And He told us to believe and have faith. He also instructed the people he helped and taught to “sin no more”. On this point, was Jesus telling us we could and should never sin again? Or was he telling us to simply try our best not to sin anymore?

I believe both.

I believe with Christ’s help, it is possible for a person to never again sin. However, I also believe that, for reasons known only to Him, we may not always be given the help we need to stop sinning. I believe this because I know how hard I have tried and how hard others have tried, desperately tried, only to wind up failing. In the past I’ve tried to the point of near insanity (and I mean this in the most literal sense), and hated myself fiercely for any failings. And I was wrong to do this.

I get really frustrated with Christians who seem to believe that people should never sin, and who judge, belittle, and condemn anyone, including themselves, who do occasionally sin. I despise the attitude that church is only for sinless people. And yet, that is such a prevalent attitude among so many Christians. I’ve witnessed this firsthand myself. And what damage do Christians cause by having this attitude? How many prospective Christians do they run away from Christ by having such a legalistic mindset? How much damage do they cause themselves by their arrogance and lack of humility?

One thing I’ve learned the last few years is to not beat myself up so badly every time I have a fall. I’ve tried in earnest to change my attitude from one of legalistic adherence to one of accepting love, forgiveness, patience, and grace. I am not a perfect person. And I may never be a perfect person the whole time I walk this earth, regardless of however hard I try to be. That doesn’t mean I shouldn’t try, but just that whenever I come up short, it’s not the end of the world. There is still great hope for me.

Trust is something else I’m trying really hard to learn. Not so much trust in other people, which I have worked on some, but to let go and fully trust God—to believe that He will lead me and guide me in life to where I need to be, to what is best for me and Him. Doing this has certainly helped to bring about a lot less worry in my life. It has also helped me to accept and believe in His promise of forgiveness, to know that I am not damned by a single wrongdoing, but offered redemption instead.

“Lord, I pray you will look after all those struggling to overcome sin. I pray you will lead them and comfort them, and forgive them when they are weak. Give them the patience to endure, and the trust to continue following you no matter what. Help me in this same regard, Lord, and in all other ways you know I need it. And please also help the church to better know how to welcome and work with people of all backgrounds toward your glory, Lord. In your son, Jesus’, name I pray. Amen.”

The Fishing Trip

I remember one time when I was little that my Dad took my brother and me fishing. He drove us down this old abandoned looking road to a boat ramp that was no longer in use, parked the car, and we all got out. I remember looking out at the lake and thinking about how big it looked. It seemed to sprawl out forever, so blue and pretty. It was so beautiful. And it was such a wonderful day. I remember just being so excited about getting to spend time with my Dad like that. There was a small cove just to the right of the ramp and that's where Dad took us. There was a trail there that led out to this little cutout in the hillside, and there was a ledge, or what I guess you could call a jump off point just a few feet above the water. I remember us all three sitting there on the bank with our legs hanging over the side. I'm sure we looked like something from out of a Norman Rockwell painting the way we were sitting there, fishing like that. I remember after a few minutes of sitting there, my brother started to get fidgety. He wasn't very old at the time. I'm not even sure if he was five years old. But I remember he started moving around more than my Dad was comfortable with. None of us could swim at the time and I'm sure the idea of my brother falling off and going into the water was beginning to worry my Dad. I remember him telling my brother he had to sit still, and yet, my brother just kept playing around and scooting forward really close to the edge. Finally, Dad told him again if he didn't stop we were going to quit fishing and go home. At that, my brother settled down a bit.

For a few minutes, everything seemed fine, but then a group of teenagers came along, parked at the ramp, and began swimming at the mouth of the cove. When my brother saw them swimming and having fun, he immediately decided he'd have some fun as well. He started to pitch forward to go into the water. Luckily, Dad reached out for him just in time to keep him from falling. It was one of those moments where I think we were all scared half to death. Dad pulled my brother back and swatted him on the backside a few times for not listening to him and scaring him like that. Needless to say, that was the end of our fishing. Dad quickly got us back to the car and we were headed home. What had been a good day out, a nice little father and sons trip, had turned into an unfortunate disaster. Funny as it may sound, that's one of my favorite childhood memories. I learned something from it. But also, Dad was spending time with me. And any of those times whether they turned out good or bad, were good times for me. So much of the time he wouldn't spend any time with me at all, so, when he did, it meant something. I remember those times.

I think about God. He tells us not to do things, and he tells us that because He knows what's best for us. He knows we'll get hurt or that we'll hurt others if we do those things. I look at how my brother wouldn't listen to my Dad while on that fishing trip, and I think about how my brother could have slid off and drowned. But Dad caught him. I see the similarity between that story and how God is with all of us. He tells us not to do things, we do them anyway, but even still, he always reaches out to save us if we just let Him. Most of us actually do fall in the water a great deal of the time. Some of us kick our feet and wave our arms, struggling a great long time before reaching for His hand. And some of us never reach for it. We either don't see the hand because we're too busy kicking and screaming about in the water, we ignore it thinking we can save ourselves, or we had just prefer to stay in the water and drown.

I've held it against my Dad for a long time now because he didn't spend more time with me when I was younger. I hold it against him now sometimes because he still won't spend much time with me. But I love him, and I know he loves me. He's cared an awful lot for me over the years. He helped teach me right from wrong, taught me about God, clothed me, sheltered me, fed me, encouraged me, and stuck by me. I honestly was surprised by the way my Dad reacted when I told him I struggle with homosexuality. I could tell he was hurt by it, but I think he was mostly hurt because I was hurt. He just kept asking me, “Why didn't you ever tell me?” And he kept telling me he loved me. I think it really bothered him that I'd spent all those years hiding such a huge painful part of my life and going through all of that alone. When we finished talking about things, I made one request to him, and that was for him and Mom to please not treat me differently because of this. And so far, Dad and Mom both have been really great not to treat me differently than they did before. I don't think I could bare it if they did.

But I see how much my Dad really does love me. I've struggled for so long not knowing if he really loved me or not. I think back to all those times when he wouldn't have anything to do with me, when he'd ignore me, or times when he'd punished me more than I feel like I deserved, sometimes just because he felt like it, I think. By no means do I claim to have been the best-behaved child, I know I deserved most of the punishments I got, but there were times when I really do feel like I got a lot more than I deserved in the form of punishment. There was one time I'd got a deep cut on the back of my right thigh. I'd cut myself on a broken piece of glass, and probably should have had stitches for it, but didn't. A few days later Dad got mad at me about playing too loudly in the backyard. I honestly don't remember being very loud at all. But I remember he called me into the house, took his belt off, and whipped me, taking the belt across the back of my legs a few times and across that cut. Well... that opened up the wound, and when he was done whipping me I had blood running down my leg. My entire leg swelled up after that and it took a long time for that wound to heal as it should have. It's hard for me to overlook something like that. Thing is, I know my Dad isn't perfect. All parents make mistakes. All parents do things they wish they hadn't. They're only human, after all. All people do things when they're angry, tired, frustrated, or whatever else like that that they know afterwards they shouldn't have done. I don't have a doubt in my mind that my Dad did his best with me. And I'm sure that whatever hurts he may have caused me, none of them were deliberate or intentional, or if they were, I'm sure he wishes he hadn't caused them.

A lot of times, I look to God and see Him, in a way, like my Dad. But more than that, I see Him as how I wish my Dad really were. I think of all the things I think would make a perfect Dad and I see God. He loves me, cares for me, encourages me, is consistent, wants to spend time with me, blesses me richly in so many ways, teaches me right from wrong, helps me avoid trouble, helps me when I get into trouble, and always reaches His hand out to pull me back to Him. And He forgives me when I do wrong. In a way, I think one of the reasons it's been so hard for me to fully trust God is because I do relate Him in a lot of ways to my Dad. It was hard for me to trust my Dad when I was little. I never knew when it was okay to have fun around him or when to be quiet and not disturb him. But I never knew how he felt about me either. Sometimes he'd make it out like I was the most important thing in the world to him, and other times, it was as if I didn't even exist. He'd be one-way one minute, and completely different the next. I never knew how to take him.

Lately, I have been trying to separate my earthly father from my heavenly father. I think I've always known in my mind that the two are different, but maybe in my heart I've wanted to see them as one in the same. Maybe that's mostly because I've wished my father were better than he is. Maybe I've wanted him to be more Godlike in the way that he relates to me. Thing is, I know he isn't perfect, and I can't hold that against him. I'm not perfect myself. I know I've not always been the best son I could have been—neither to my earthly father or heavenly father. Looking back, I know I've done a lot in my life I never should have done, a lot that I knew better than to do. I know there have been a lot of times when I have been nothing less than a little hellion. But I know I don't have to be perfect for either of them to love me. Learning that love has meant a world of difference to me. It's helped to heal so many old wounds of my past.

Sometimes I can have rather mixed feelings about my childhood. I try to think about all the good times, and to thank God for all of them. But for all of those bad times, I just keep trying to see what good may actually have come from them. If they in any way help, or have helped, to make me a better person, then I'm glad for them too. I think about that fishing trip with mixed feelings. It started off as such a good time, and yet it ended with my brother crying, my Dad mad, and me disappointed. But one lesson I learned from that experience was not to jump off cliffs. I remember Dad explaining that to my brother and me. He told us exactly what could have happened if my brother had fallen—that he could have got hurt and died. He also told us how upset and sad that would have made him, and how we needed to listen to him when he told us not to do something. To apply that knowledge to later events in my life... I wonder if that didn't save me at one point. That first year I was in college, the devil tried really hard to convince me that I should drive my car off a cliff in order to kill myself. I wonder if somewhere buried deep in the back of my mind, God was reminding me not to jump off cliffs. I wonder if maybe it was for that very purpose that that childhood event took place, and why I've remembered it all these years. Dad taught me something as a child, and God reminded me of that later on to stop me from hurting others and myself. I think about how close I really did come to killing myself. And I'd like to think that... no, I know it was only because of God's love for me that He stopped me from doing that. I know I didn't stop me. It was something else. I think it was God lying heavy upon me to turn that wheel, to not go off that cliff, because he knew I'd hurt myself and so many other people if I did. Maybe I was simply trusting God at that point in the same way I'd trusted my Dad all those years earlier. Maybe God was just simply asking me to trust Him, and to not go through with it.

I think about things like that and I can't help but feel that if I can just learn to apply that knowledge of God's love for me and to trust Him more completely in all aspects of my life, to know what's really best for me, I won't end up flailing about in the water quite so often or for quite so long. If I can learn to trust Him more fully, maybe I'll not end up in the water in the first place. Maybe I'll be content to sit by His side, with my fishing pole in hand, enjoying the beauty of the day and the time spent in His love.

The Trust of Mary and Joseph, and George Bailey

In the sixth month, God sent the angel Gabriel to Nazareth, a town in Galilee, to a virgin pledged to be married to a man named Joseph, a descendant of David. The virgin's name was Mary. The angel went to her and said, “Greetings, you who are highly favored! The Lord is with you.”

Mary was greatly troubled at his words and wondered what kind of greeting this might be. But the angel said to her, “Do not be afraid, Mary, you have found favor with God. You will be with child and give birth to a son, and you are to give him the name Jesus. He will be great and will be called the Son of the Most High. The Lord God will give him the throne of his father David, and he will reign over the house of Jacob forever; his kingdom will never end.”

“How will this be,” Mary asked the angel, “since I am a virgin?”

The angel answered, “The Holy Spirit will come upon you, and the power of the Most High will overshadow you. So the holy one to be born will be called the Son of God. Even Elizabeth your relative is going to have a child in her old age, and she who was said to be barren is in her sixth month. For nothing is impossible with God.”

“I am the Lord's servant,” Mary answered. “May it be to me as you have said.” Then the angel left her. (Luke 1:26-38)

Could you imagine being in Mary's place? I'm sure she knew that allowing God to use her in order to bring about the savior of the whole human race would indeed lead her to experience many difficulties and hardships—and probably much ridicule. She had to be wondering what others would think of her. How would Joseph respond, knowing he was not the father? How would her family react? Would they believe her story, or would they believe she had had sex outside of wedlock? Would the rest of the people in her village believe her? And what about the future? All eyes would now be upon her son, and obviously on her, being the mother of the Savior. Mary had to have great trust in the Lord in order to willingly offer herself to Him in such a manner. Just think, she could have refused! She could have told the angel Gabriel, “I will not have this child. It would ruin me!” But Mary did no such thing. She simply agreed to let the Lord use her for His own purposes. That is exceptional trust and faith on her part in the Lord. This showed her love for God, over a love for herself. She would have this child, she would name him Jesus, and she would raise him and love him with all of her heart. She did as the Lord had asked of her.

And now we come to Joseph.

This is how the birth of Jesus Christ came about: His mother Mary was pledged to be married to Joseph, but before they came together, she was found to be with child through the Holy Spirit. Because Joseph her husband was a righteous man and did not want to expose her to public disgrace, he had in mind to divorce her quietly.

But after he had considered this, an angel of the Lord appeared to him in a dream and said, “Joseph son of David, do not be afraid to take Mary home as your wife, because what is conceived in her is from the Holy Spirit. She will give birth to a son, and you are to give him the name Jesus, because he will save his people from their sins.”

All this took place to fulfill what the Lord had said through the prophet: “The virgin will be with child and will give birth to a son, and they will call him Immanuel” -- which means, “God with us.”

When Joseph woke up, he did what the angel of the Lord had commanded him and took Mary home as his wife. But he had no union with her until she gave birth to a son. And he gave him the name Jesus. (Matthew 1:18-25)

I think Joseph was truly a man of great character. When he found out that Mary was pregnant, knowing the child within her was not his own, he could have easily thrown a huge tantrum, brought Mary before the city elders, and brought her to total disgrace, if not death. But Joseph was a good and caring man, and even though he was assuredly hurt and disappointed by the news of her pregnancy, he had decided to divorce her quietly in order to spare her from any disgrace. I have no doubt in my mind that Joseph was a very good man indeed, and that he did genuinely care about others.

After an angel of the Lord (who quite possibly could have been the same angel, Gabriel, who visited Mary) came to Joseph and explained the situation to him in a dream, Joseph decided to place his trust in the Lord. He took Mary home as his wife, refrained from having sexual intercourse with her until after the baby had been born, and called that baby Jesus. He did as God had asked of him.

No doubt, Joseph knew he was going to be taking on a huge responsibility. And I'm sure he questioned what other's would think, just as Mary, but he did not let that stop him from doing what the Lord wanted him to do. He placed his trust in the Lord and followed through with the plans, which God had made for him. Like Mary, he showed great love for God by submitting himself to God this way. He would take Mary as his wife, raise Jesus as his son, train him, teach him, and love him. And he honored God by doing so.

I have great respect for Mary and Joseph. I find comfort in their ability to trust God. I find comfort in knowing that they trusted God with such a difficult responsibility, and that God led them and took care of them throughout. Their trust paid off in such a marvelous way. Just think about it. Mary could have refused to give birth to God's son. Joseph could have refused to marry Mary. Both could have altered God's plans for their lives in such a drastic way. But instead, they trusted God, and allowed Him to use them in a way that would bring about a great good for all of mankind.

I keep trying to build my trust in God. Here at Christmas, as I read passages such as the ones above, involving Jesus' birth, seeing how Mary and Joseph trusted God in this situation, I can't help but feel a greater desire to do the same in my own life. I want to trust God. In my past, it hasn't always been easy for me to do that. But I know if I can only learn to trust God, he will use my life for great good. And if I can be used for any good in advancing His plans, I think that's a great thing. I want to be able to do that. I want to be able to give my whole life for whatever plans he has for me.

One of my favorite movies is called “It's A Wonderful Life”, and one of the things I have always loved about that movie is the way the character George Bailey always thought more of others than of himself. He had to make some rather huge sacrifices in his own life in order to do that, and that would cause him to despair throughout much of his life. But in the end, he discovers all those sacrifices throughout the years were well worth the price. God used his life in order to touch so many other lives around him. He used George Bailey in order to bring about a great good, which, without him, would never have taken place. Had he never lived, as he is given the opportunity to see, the people he had helped and loved in his life would have lived far different lives. They would have experienced much harder lives.

What George realizes is that his life has purpose. His life had great meaning. And though he may have little on this earth in terms of material or comfort, he had an abundance in friendship and love. But he also had favor with God. And it was God's will for him to continue living. Once he is revealed how much good he can bring about in this world, he breaks down and desperately begs God, “I wanna live again! Please God! Let me live again!” A man who was at the brink of wanting to give up on life, realizes just how great a life he really had, and how valuable he was to God and others in this life. He would go on living, trusting God. And I love that.

There again, at Christmas time, we get to see how trusting God is worth it in the end. My hope is that for all those reading this, you will trust God as well. Reach out to God and let him take full control over your lives, and see if miracles don't start happening. Allow God to use you to better this world, and to bring about great things indeed.

God bless, and Merry Christmas.

The Center of Your Life

Last Sunday, we had a guest speaker at the church I attend who was speaking on behalf of Men For Christ. In one of the handouts he gave us was the following:

Center of the Bible

What is the shortest chapter in the Bible? Psalm 117. What is the longest chapter in the Bible? Psalm 119. Which chapter is in the center of the Bible? Psalm 118. There are 594 chapters before Psalm 118. There are 594 chapters after Psalm 118. Add these numbers and you get 1188. What is the center verse in the Bible? Psalm 118:8. The next time someone says they would like to find God's perfect will for their lives and that they want to be in the center of His will, just send them to the center of His Word!

"It is better to trust in the LORD than to put confidence in man."

Now, isn't that odd how this worked out (or was God in the center of it?).

Isn't that remarkable, that the center verse of the entire Bible should be that we trust in God. That pretty much sums up everything, doesn't it? When we trust in God, and put our faith in Him, everything is better. At least that's how it is for me.

Point in case: I've recently been trying to resist the temptation to masturbate. I've always felt it was wrong of me to masturbate. Mostly because that particular activity, for me, usually involves rather lustful thinking. But also because I've resorted to masturbation as a means of relieving stress, anger, frustrations, depression, loneliness, or just about any other negative feeling I've ever had. I've done that as a means to escape, to flee into a world of fantasies where all there is is me feeling loved and accepted by other men. Problem is, I know that's just a counterfeit. It isn't real. And in having those thoughts, I usually end up feeling guilty and ashamed, because I know I shouldn't think of other men like that. But also, because in having those thoughts, I tend to feel rather non-manly myself. I begin to think negatively about myself. So, I try to resist.

In the past, masturbation has been my drug. I did that as a means of feeling better. I relied on that for immediate gratification. I put my trust in it to feel better. But that trust was foolish. Any enjoyment from masturbation is short lived. That is, unless you give into it all the time. And if you do that, you're simply waisting your life away. I'll admit, I've waisted a lot of my life away to it. Rather than trusting in God as I should have, I turned to something of my own doing to help me feel better, and that never works. There's nothing lasting by that. I should have trusted in God to help me feel better.

Here lately, in trying to resist, I've tried to do just that, to turn to God and to trust in Him above all else. I'd rather God be my drug any day as opposed to something I know won't ever truly satisfy me. Doing that, I feel better so much longer. I feel closer to God, I feel better about myself, and... well... it's all better. But it's the same with everything else. When God is the center of our lives, everything is better. When other things, or other people, are the center of our lives, nothing is as good. That's because all those other things can let you down. They never fulfill what they promise. But with God... God always delivers. He loves us and cares for us, and when we turn to Him and put our trust in Him, he helps us like nothing else can.

So, is God the center of your life, or are you just waisting time?