Friendly Advice

In the past, I have offered advice to other men on how to avoid acting out on their sexual desires. One bit of advice I have given is that it would be better to masturbate than to run out in some act of desperation to be with another guy. My thinking behind this was that if a person goes looking for sex, they not only sin themselves, but drag someone else into a sinful situation as well. If a person is going to sin, it would be far better for him or her to sin in such a way that only affects themselves, rather than others, too. That was my thinking behind such advice.

I’ve had some conflicting emotions about giving that advice, however, and often wonder if it really is the best advice to be giving. I know there are times when a person trying to abstain from all things sexually sinful can be tempted to a point that is near maddening. If you believe it is wrong to have sex outside of marriage, and even to engage in other self pleasing sexual activities, that can be a very real struggle. It means no sexual pleasure whatsoever. Not only does the mind sometimes work against you in this pursuit, but the physical body can as well. To be more simplistic about it, I’ll just say that it is a tough act—trying to completely abstain from all sexual activities.  A great many priests and nuns have proven it can be done, but knowing that still can be no great comfort to fighting those sorts of temptations when you feel like your mind is being ripped apart on the inside by them. And a person can experience a great deal of temptation sometimes, especially at moments of weakness, such as when feeling lonely, sad, tired, or angry. That’s when a person will usually give in, if they’re going to, and when they fall, they can fall hard.

Imagine a man on a diet, tempted for several weeks to eat something sweet that he knows he shouldn’t. He has a really hard day, comes home really tired, and there on the kitchen table is a piece of chocolate cake his wife made staring him in the face. He tells himself not to eat it, to look away, to leave the room. He leaves. But later as he comes back into the kitchen to get a glass of water, he sees it sitting there again, and deep inside he knows that every time he ever ate a piece of chocolate cake like that before, it always made him feel good somehow. He walks up to the table and has a seat. He drinks his water, telling himself over and over to look away from the cake and ignore it. He finishes the water, and then stands up to put the glass in the sink. But when he does, he notices the drawer of silverware next to the sink. He tells himself that maybe a small bite of the cake would be okay. So, he gets a fork and heads toward the cake, telling himself the whole time not to do it, to stop. He sits back down at the table. He weighs the pros and cons, but he sees that piece of cake sitting there on the table, looking better than anything he’s eaten in weeks now. The sweat begins forming on his forehead, his mind racing, his heart beating loudly, and before he even knows what’s happened, he’s eaten the entire piece of cake, in five seconds flat, and began ransacking the rest of the kitchen looking for anything else sweet to eat as well. Afterwards, he calms down, looks around the room, and realizes what he’s done. Then he feels regret, knowing he did something wrong.

It can be the same for someone trying not to engage in sexual activities when they are so tempted to give into them. And so, when a person feels that they are at that point of no return, I have believed it would be better for them, if they are going to sin, or honestly believe they will not be able to resist for much longer, to build it up in themselves not to bring others into their sin.

The reason I am conflicted about giving such advice though, is because all sin is equally damning. None of it is good for the soul, and all of it separates us from God. So, is it really any better for a person to engage in a sin that only affects him or herself, verses engaging in a sin that affects others as well? There are, of course different consequences for every sin. One sin may cause very few consequences, while another may cause the world to come crashing down on you. So, the weight of certain sins can at the very least feel heavier on you than that of other sorts. But is there really a difference? It’s a bit like saying if a man is going to have sex with someone it’s less sinful if he uses a condom. It’s still sex, with or without a condom. If a person masturbates (believing masturbation is a sin) rather than having sex, is he or she still not engaging in sexual sin? The obvious answer is yes. So, with that in mind, aren’t we really just talking about consequences? It’s not a matter of whether or not one sin is better for you, or less worse for you, than another, but whether or not one sin will be less or more consequential to you than another?

That’s a very different way to look at sin, I think. But still, if a person is going to sin, shouldn’t they try to sin in a way that is indeed less consequential? Is this still good advice to give people?

It's Not Just About Sex

Lately, I’ve been talking about some very strong struggles going on within me. I know I’ve made myself addicted to pornography and masturbation, and that I’ve used those two things to try to ease some of the stress, loneliness, and outright depression that I’ve felt. And, to an extent, I know that I’ve felt somewhat more normal or allowed to just be myself through seeing pornography. I see other men doing things that to me just seem to be a normal thing to want. I see them and I feel less different, I guess. But I know these are two things that I want to fight, and I’ve been trying really hard to stop engaging in both over the course of the last few weeks. I’ve admittedly had some falls along the way, but I’ve also found that the longer I’ve tried, the less the desires have been to give into them.

At the same time, however, I have been taking a second look at my decision to remain celibate. This has been brought on by certain lingering doubts that have developed over the course of this last year. I’ve thought about certain various aspects of the Christian faith and wondered seriously if Christians throughout time haven’t managed to get a few things wrong now and then. I see some things that are contradictory or that just don’t make sense at all really. And so I wonder if I’ve honestly made the right decision.

I believe God loves me and will always love me no matter what I do. I believe I am saved through Christ, and that I am offered forgiveness through that faith. I know that forgiveness doesn’t mean I am free to sin without care. I do care. But I know that no matter how hard I’ve ever tried, I always manage to sin one way or another eventually. I know my only hope is through Christ. And I know in my heart He will forgive me if I get a few things wrong.

I have also disclosed the fact that I am in love with someone. I’ve loved him for going on four years now. I wish so much I could be with him. And this is not just about sex, or lust, or anything like that. I know I love him because of who he is, how much we have in common, how much I enjoy his company, how much it warms my soul just the thought of him.

A newfound friend wrote to me the other day, including an excerpt from a story by Corrie Ten Boom. In the story, Corrie was in love with a man who ended up marrying someone else, and her father gave her the advice to pray to love this man in a different way.

I’ve tried to do this myself. Sometimes it helps, but more often than not, it just makes me feel as though I’m throwing away the best thing that could ever happen to me. But I go on trying to let God lead me wherever and to whomever he sees fit.

I’m trying. That’s all I can really say right now.

In all of this, I have actually been in better spirits the last few days. For anyone who has been praying for me, I want to thank you, because I’m sure it’s helped. How much better would life be if we would all pray so much more for each other? I think it’d surprise us a lot.

All Things Considering

Whenever I fall, I like to know why. What stumped me? Could it have been prevented? The whole who, what, when, where, why, and how of the situation.

I know I’ve not completely made up my mind that being with another man is wrong. I don’t mean that I think sleeping around with men isn’t wrong. I mean that I’m not sure if I dated another man, if we fell in love with each other, decided to commit ourselves to each other, and then made love that that would be wrong. There are so many reasons for me to believe that it isn’t. There are several reasons for me to believe that it is as well though. And so I’m torn between the two. I actually do see beauty in two men, or two women, being in love with each other. And I think about what we are told love is, and I see nothing from its description in the bible that would make me believe that my love for another man wouldn’t be celebrated.

I see enough contradictions between the Old and New Testament to give me some serious doubt about absolutely all homosexual activity being sinful. In love, I’m not sure it is. And even if it is, I’m not sure it’s something damning. If we are saved through faith, then isn’t faith in itself what truly saves us? Of course if we are truly saved, then our actions must surely reflect that. But if we get certain things wrong, either knowing or unknowingly, are we no longer saved through our faith? If I fell in love with another man and committed myself to him for the rest of my life, and, yes, made love with him during that time, would that really bar me from Heaven? Would Jesus really frown upon our expressing our love for each other? I don’t think me being in a lifelong, committed, sexual relationship with another man would necessarily damn me. But I do wonder if it is truly sinful, because if it is I want to resist.

I’ve been praying about this for years and I can’t seem to get any real answer that doesn’t include some level of uncertainty with it. And so, I am torn between two thoughts. If I loved a man, would God not, like me, find some degree of beauty in our coming together, and approve of such a relationship? Or, would such a thing be a sin, whether love is involved or not? There are reasons for me to believe both positions, and each holds weight.

I think not knowing what to think about this certainly played a part in my recent fall, and that of many other times—allowing me to delve into fantasies about what my life could be like.

I also believe that I am stressed far more than I should be, and as I expressed in my last post, pornography and masturbation help with this. It’s a quick fix to the thought of certain problems in life. And so I know stress played its part.

Not feeling connected with God was also an influence. There are times when I just cannot feel his presence with me. I like to think that I’m walking hand in hand with God by my side, but a lot of times I feel like I’m reaching out and only clutching air. I look around and cannot find him. I feel alone and deserted. I feel like He’s ran ahead of me, and I have to sprint through an elaborately cruel obstacle course just to keep a glimpse of him in my view. I know this isn’t true, but I find it so hard to fight these thoughts sometimes. I feel bad for one reason or another and I begin finding it more difficult to keep my grasp, as though my fingers are pulling away, and I’m reaching to no avail. I felt like that before this last fall. I wanted God to help me, to intervene somehow, but He didn’t. He was most likely there, but for some reason I just couldn’t see Him. I felt like I had to rely on my own strength, which just isn’t anywhere near good enough.

And then I know I didn’t use the best judgment. I knew I was very tempted to look up pornography, but I got on my computer anyway. It’d have been okay had I kept my door open or taken my computer into the living room. But I didn’t do either. And there again, I’d have been okay had I not gotten on my computer at all until those temptations had passed. I didn’t guard myself against the temptations the best way possible. In fact, I can see how very little prepared I was to fight those temptations. I think about this and wonder if perhaps that is why God didn’t intervene. Maybe to fall was the only way I’d see how ill prepared I was.

And then there are emotions. Anger, fear, hopelessness, jealousy, hate, regret, shame, sadness, and worry are all things that can cause you to stumble. I know I was feeling some of these things before I gave in. I know I need to learn better ways of dealing with these sorts of negative emotions.

There may be other reasons for this last fall, but these were the things I’ve been able to identify.

Drug

So, what is my drug? What makes me feel good when the going gets tough? What helps me faster than anything to get that high, that numbness, that sense of calm and relief?

The answer… pornography and masturbation.

Last night I went to bed feeling completely hopeless. And I woke up this morning feeling the same way. I felt like a zombie all day long, as though anything that mattered in the world was completely gone. And I couldn’t find God. I couldn’t bring myself to go to Him. And as the day went, the more tempted I became. Old memories, flashes of images I’d just assume forget, constantly popped up in my mind.

I kept trying to block out the idea, especially after getting home. But as I got on my computer to check my email, those thoughts seemed to pound upon me. I finished looking up my email, replied where necessary, looked at my blog for a moment, and then pushed my laptop away. It just seemed to put a trance on me though. I knew how easy it would be. I knew I wanted to. I knew it’d make the pain go away. I put my hand up on the screen to close my laptop, but it just sort of sat there. I couldn’t bring myself to turn it off, to run, to flee. And then my hand was back on the mouse pad. I froze. I couldn’t bring myself to go ahead in either direction. And I started crying and praying and yet those images and the pain kept darting across my mind. I prayed for God to give me a way out. My heart was pounding, I was breathing deeply, and before God could ever do that, my fingers started working and I was looking up pornography. And then that led to masturbation.

My drug…

An hour and a half later I seem to be thinking much more clearly than I was. For starters, I know I never should have got on my computer feeling as tempted as I was. And I should have done more throughout the day to reach out to God. I’m not going to make any excuses for myself. After five days of living without these things, I had to give in just for a few moments of good feelings? No. I took a cheap, sleazy, quick way out, instead doing what I should have done.

And so now that I’ve fallen, I will have to pick myself back up (more like God will have to drag me up), dust off, look back ahead down that long, narrow road, and start treading along once more.

Just Stop!

Earlier today I found the blog of another Christian battling with same sex attraction. I was glad I did, because truth be told, a great number of the blogs I’ve typically kept up with have either ended, or it’s been a very long time since anyone posted anything on them. Finding this new blog gave me a chance to actually feel not as alone in this struggle as I’ll admit I’ve been feeling some lately. But, above that, and more importantly, it also gave me a chance to read several very encouraging things.

To begin with, this fellow blogger, Tom, wrote that at one point he’d been able to resist pornography for about eight months. And he’d only masturbated once during that time. Being that those are two things I’ve been trying very seriously to resist the last couple of weeks, I have to say that I find this a great source of hope—if he could do that, then so can I (today, by the way, marks three days in a row that I haven’t masturbated or looked up pornography, and I thank God for that).

But in reading some of Tom’s stuff, I came across one post where he talks about a sermon he’d heard. The preacher, who was usually rather calm and mild, suddenly screamed out, “Stop it! Just stop it! No more! Let today be the day that you just leave that sin all behind you." I read this and it reminded me of something I experienced a few years ago. It reminded me of a dream. I’ve thought about this dream in light of a more recent one I had about a week ago, which I’ve already told you about. In the dream, I stood looking up at a really tall tree in my front yard, which stands near the road. I was amazed by the scale of the tree. Then suddenly my dad appeared. But it wasn’t really my dad. He looked and sounded like my dad, but I knew he was really someone else. He smiled at me and then told me, “Just stop.” And when He said it, I knew exactly what he was talking about. He was telling me to stop looking at porn. He was telling me to stop masturbating. He was telling me to stop going down a path of outright homosexual living. That was another dream where I woke up shaking, out of breath. It was just so realistic. And I knew the second I was awake what it meant. God was telling me, appearing as my dad, that I had a path to choose. I could go left or right, but only one would lead to the tree of life. Reading Tom’s post reminded me of this (I think I wrote about this dream in more detail sometime a few years ago).

I know pornography and masturbation are the two things that lead me most toward completely giving in to my desires to be with another man. These things tempt me the most toward that. That being the case, I really want to put up as much resolve as possible to stop doing those things.

A road block in the past for me has been my mindset. I’d rationalize going a day at a time, a week at a time, and so forth, as if that was good enough. I’d promise not to give in at least until a certain time. But then I’d always fail or give in after I’d met that expectation (as if it was a reward for past good effort). And the reason I sat such limited goals was because I honestly don’t think I ever expected I could go beyond them. To never, EVER, look up pornography or masturbate again just seemed impossible. Pornography I could probably live without. But could I really go the rest of my life without ever masturbating? Could I really go the rest of my life with absolutely no means of sexual release or pleasure? Looking back, I know I haven’t believed in that. But I wonder now if I really could. I know it’d be a struggle. I know it’d probably drive me crazy at times. But I also know that I want that; that it’s worth trying for. I want to be able to resist, to truly free myself from some of the crap I’ve encased myself in. I just want to stop. I want to resist because it’s the right thing to do, because it brings me closer to God.

And so, if you’re reading this, please pray for me. As I said earlier, I’m on day three, and I really, really, REALLY, want to be able to keep this up. And, Tom, if you happen to read this, thanks for writing about your own journey. You give me much encouragement.

Fighting Temptations

Yesterday marked the 8th day I had resisted the urge to masturbate. I consider this a victory, and one which, without God’s help, I know I would have never been able to accomplish. And I did it for God.

It was certainly a struggle. Masturbation is something that I used to try really hard to resist. I spent at least three or four years doing my best not to give into this. Throughout that whole time I kept struggling and would always inevitably go off on a binge until coming back to my senses. The last two or three years, however, I really haven’t tried to resist at all. If I felt like it and could, I just did it.

Recently, though, I have been wondering back to those days when I tried not to do this. I knew it was a struggle, and I did just get really tired always fighting and failing to resist this thing. That’s why I eventually just gave up trying to fight and thought it best simply to rely on God’s forgiveness (which alone, I just don’t think is enough—I have to do my part as well). But I’ve felt lately that it was a fight I should have kept struggling through—that I shouldn’t have given up.

I won’t lie; masturbation has got to be one of the hardest things to completely give up (at least for me). And I think, deep down, it is something that should be given up, and better yet, I should never have started at all. I believe this simply because it is one of those acts which seems to always accompany fantasies of sex between other men or of sex between other men and me. I find it virtually impossible to prevent myself from lusting whenever I do this. If done without lusting, I’m honestly not sure it would be a sin, but that’s something I can’t seem to do. And so, as of late, I’ve just felt a stronger conviction to try more in earnest, yet again, to give this thing up.

I have also tried much more not to give into pornography. On this front, I have been somewhat less successful. Old habits die hard. I’m trying to remember not to drift onto certain websites. A few times I’ve literally just had to close out my computer and get away from it. Even though I have given in a few times, though, I know the times I was able to resist was the working and help of God. And that is really my main point writing about all of this. In trying to resist these two temptations, I have felt closer to God. I’ve prayed to him more for strength, for guidance, for forgiveness, and for thanks in what help He has given me.

I know some people may say that it is stupid trying to resist these two things, or in having some problem with them. But I think if fighting them brings me in some way closer to God, then that must be a good thing. And so, I hope to continue fighting on, resisting with all I can and with God helping me.

Last night, however, after eight days resisting the temptation to masturbate, I ended up giving in. I just couldn’t seem to find any means of which to stop myself. And afterward, unlike with the pornography, I felt so severely convicted, guilty, self-loathing, and shameful that it was pathetic. I felt like a kid who’d done something so wrong it was unforgiveable and heartbreaking. The result was that I stayed up most of the night, unable to sleep, hating myself for what I had done.

I still feel some of those feelings, but I know God forgives me. And I know that giving in last night doesn’t take away the fact that I resisted all those days before. I know that I’m still loved by God and that He will still help me going forward. And going forward, I’m going to try not to think of myself the way the devil would like for me to. He wants me to think I’m a failure and that I’m no good, and that I should just give up completely. But, as I said earlier, I’m not going to do that. I’m going to pick myself back up (even if that means a thousand different times) and continue fighting, with God hand in hand beside me.

If doing this brings me closer to God, then that’s what I want to do.

The Affect of Dreams

I’m not usually the sort of person who lets his nightly dreams bother him much, but every once in a while there is a dream so vivid, so realistic, and so profound that it just weighs on me and can cause me to adjust my behaviors or attitudes. Last night, I had one of those dreams. To put it more accurately, I had a nightmare.

It started off with my brother and me on a trip, driving through the country and into some small town in the hills. We got lost and ended up on a little road leading out into some woods. We found that the road dead-ended in a circle leading back out. There was another family parked just ahead. As we got out of the car to stretch our legs and look at the map, a couple of men came out of the woods and began harassing the other family. My brother and I approached to see if we could help. That’s when some guns were shown and all of us were marched off. The dream got a bit blurry at this point and began again with me at a younger age (maybe twelve or thirteen), as well as the rest of my family, being held up by gunpoint by a few other men and at least one woman in the home we used to live in. We were all in the living room, and mom suggested I go to the laundry room to get my clean clothes out (she suggested this with gestures insinuating that would be my opportunity to slip out of the house and get away for help). So, I went off to the laundry room. One of the men followed me though. He stopped outside of the room and I went in, quickly thinking about how to get away. After a minute or so, the man walked in behind me and closed the door. I was nervous and panicked about what he wanted. He looked me over and began telling me how attractive he thought I was. He wore an arrogant smile as he looked at me. He then turned me toward the washer and dryer and began pulling at my clothes. I protested in a quiet, scared, nervousness—which basically means I felt powerless to put up much of a fight. At this time, my dad was in the other room trying to get in to find out what was happening. I was ashamed for him to see and yelled for him to stay away. But it wasn’t just that I was ashamed. I didn’t want him to interrupt the attention I was getting from this good looking guy. The man then began raping me. I didn’t want him to, but at the same time I was enjoying it and didn’t really want him to stop either. When he’d finished, he turned me around. A woman friend of his was standing next to him. They were both smiling at me and talking curiously about me to each other. The man then told me to get down on my knees (for what purpose you should know). As I did, I saw his genitals for the first time. I stopped and just looked. He was covered with bumps. He laughed and told me, “Don’t you like what you see?” I felt disgusted and horrified, but also confused. I looked up at him and he told me he had herpes, and that he’d just given it to me. At this point I felt horrified. I just looked up at him and asked, “You gave me herpes on purpose?” He just laughed again, along with the woman, and they began talking about how stupid I was. I just sat there on the floor, on my knees, totally appalled, feeling completely assaulted and taken advantage of, crying. And then the dream ended. I woke up, at 4:00am, scared and panicky in my dark room. I was literally shaking. I got up and turned on the light in my closet (it was nearest) and I just stood there for a moment trying to catch my breath and realize that it was only a dream. It was, in every sense, a nightmare though. It was just so real.

I tell you this dream, and in full, because, as I said at the start, some dreams do have an impact on me. This was one of them. I know why I had this dream. The last few days I’ve been trying very hard not to masturbate. I’m on day five now, which I hope to continue, and which I will give full credit to God. But as if the lack of sexual release over the last few days wasn’t enough to promote such a dream, it was only advanced by the fact that I binged for a couple of hours yesterday looking at pornography. I tried to resist, but my resolve and willingness was admittedly not enough—I was feeling kind of down about it being Valentine’s Day and just honestly didn’t feel much like trying. Like yesterday, today, I wasn’t called in to work, and so I prayed and promised to God that with his help I’d make today what yesterday should have been. So far, I’ve kept that promise and I intend to keep it the whole day through and hopefully beyond just this day. I told you the dream I had because it was in having this dream that helped push me closer to God, to try harder for him, to seek out his guidance more, and to rely more on his help. This sort of thing happens every once and a while. And maybe God allowed such a dream to take root knowing that it would have such an impact on me. Regardless of the how and why of the dream, I know that I do not want to look at pornography at all today. I want to put forward the strongest resistance possible. And, likewise, I want to continue resisting any urges to masturbate.

Even though I’m sure none of us really ever like having a bad dream, I suppose a story like mine can prove that some good can come of them. God can reach us for His and our benefit in a variety (and sometimes even very unpleasant) of ways.

The Center of Your Life

Last Sunday, we had a guest speaker at the church I attend who was speaking on behalf of Men For Christ. In one of the handouts he gave us was the following:

Center of the Bible

What is the shortest chapter in the Bible? Psalm 117. What is the longest chapter in the Bible? Psalm 119. Which chapter is in the center of the Bible? Psalm 118. There are 594 chapters before Psalm 118. There are 594 chapters after Psalm 118. Add these numbers and you get 1188. What is the center verse in the Bible? Psalm 118:8. The next time someone says they would like to find God's perfect will for their lives and that they want to be in the center of His will, just send them to the center of His Word!

"It is better to trust in the LORD than to put confidence in man."

Now, isn't that odd how this worked out (or was God in the center of it?).

Isn't that remarkable, that the center verse of the entire Bible should be that we trust in God. That pretty much sums up everything, doesn't it? When we trust in God, and put our faith in Him, everything is better. At least that's how it is for me.

Point in case: I've recently been trying to resist the temptation to masturbate. I've always felt it was wrong of me to masturbate. Mostly because that particular activity, for me, usually involves rather lustful thinking. But also because I've resorted to masturbation as a means of relieving stress, anger, frustrations, depression, loneliness, or just about any other negative feeling I've ever had. I've done that as a means to escape, to flee into a world of fantasies where all there is is me feeling loved and accepted by other men. Problem is, I know that's just a counterfeit. It isn't real. And in having those thoughts, I usually end up feeling guilty and ashamed, because I know I shouldn't think of other men like that. But also, because in having those thoughts, I tend to feel rather non-manly myself. I begin to think negatively about myself. So, I try to resist.

In the past, masturbation has been my drug. I did that as a means of feeling better. I relied on that for immediate gratification. I put my trust in it to feel better. But that trust was foolish. Any enjoyment from masturbation is short lived. That is, unless you give into it all the time. And if you do that, you're simply waisting your life away. I'll admit, I've waisted a lot of my life away to it. Rather than trusting in God as I should have, I turned to something of my own doing to help me feel better, and that never works. There's nothing lasting by that. I should have trusted in God to help me feel better.

Here lately, in trying to resist, I've tried to do just that, to turn to God and to trust in Him above all else. I'd rather God be my drug any day as opposed to something I know won't ever truly satisfy me. Doing that, I feel better so much longer. I feel closer to God, I feel better about myself, and... well... it's all better. But it's the same with everything else. When God is the center of our lives, everything is better. When other things, or other people, are the center of our lives, nothing is as good. That's because all those other things can let you down. They never fulfill what they promise. But with God... God always delivers. He loves us and cares for us, and when we turn to Him and put our trust in Him, he helps us like nothing else can.

So, is God the center of your life, or are you just waisting time?