Legal

It occurs to me that one of the greatest frustrations and struggles I’ve had in my adult life is to avoid certain sins I am prone/tempted to commit. At times I have had great success at resisting these sins. Other times, I have failed miserably.

I used to get really depressed every time I had a fall. I would try really hard not to, would make it for some time, and then would inevitably have a stumble. And I’d beat myself up over and over again for each little stumble I had. I’d pray for forgiveness, try again, have some success for a time, and then fall again. It was a horrible pattern that I couldn’t seem to break free of. And I’d listen to people tell me and others that it just takes time, that I was probably just setting myself up to fail somehow, and that if I’d just pray harder, fight harder, believe harder, and have greater patience, I would eventually reach a point of not sinning but very rarely, or being able to avoid certain sins altogether.

That hasn’t worked.

I’ve thought a lot about why I haven’t been able to completely keep myself from sinning. Why haven’t I had greater success? I think the answer is simple: I am a fallen human being, stained by sin, tempted by the devil, and made weak. I cannot do anything on my own to bring about my salvation, nor (more likely) totally go without ever sinning again. With this in mind, I think if humans were capable of ever completely resisting sin in the first place, then why did we need Jesus? We wouldn’t have. We would all have simply been able to uphold every letter of the law at all times and would have been saved by our own doing. We couldn’t do that though. We needed Jesus to save us. We needed a new covenant.

When I look back at the last several years I can see that more often than not I was trying to live up to the old law, looking at my faith in a very legalistic mindset—that if I’d just say and do all the right things, I would be okay. The problem with that mindset is that it devalues the sacrifice Christ made for each of us. He saved us, taking our sins upon himself, and offering us forgiveness and grace. We are not bound by the old laws. When we act as though we are, as if our salvation is dependent upon our following the law in the strictest sense, we make Christ’s sacrifice meaningless.

Jesus made things very simple for us. He told us to love God with all our hearts, souls, and minds. He told us to love our neighbors as ourselves. And He told us to believe and have faith. He also instructed the people he helped and taught to “sin no more”. On this point, was Jesus telling us we could and should never sin again? Or was he telling us to simply try our best not to sin anymore?

I believe both.

I believe with Christ’s help, it is possible for a person to never again sin. However, I also believe that, for reasons known only to Him, we may not always be given the help we need to stop sinning. I believe this because I know how hard I have tried and how hard others have tried, desperately tried, only to wind up failing. In the past I’ve tried to the point of near insanity (and I mean this in the most literal sense), and hated myself fiercely for any failings. And I was wrong to do this.

I get really frustrated with Christians who seem to believe that people should never sin, and who judge, belittle, and condemn anyone, including themselves, who do occasionally sin. I despise the attitude that church is only for sinless people. And yet, that is such a prevalent attitude among so many Christians. I’ve witnessed this firsthand myself. And what damage do Christians cause by having this attitude? How many prospective Christians do they run away from Christ by having such a legalistic mindset? How much damage do they cause themselves by their arrogance and lack of humility?

One thing I’ve learned the last few years is to not beat myself up so badly every time I have a fall. I’ve tried in earnest to change my attitude from one of legalistic adherence to one of accepting love, forgiveness, patience, and grace. I am not a perfect person. And I may never be a perfect person the whole time I walk this earth, regardless of however hard I try to be. That doesn’t mean I shouldn’t try, but just that whenever I come up short, it’s not the end of the world. There is still great hope for me.

Trust is something else I’m trying really hard to learn. Not so much trust in other people, which I have worked on some, but to let go and fully trust God—to believe that He will lead me and guide me in life to where I need to be, to what is best for me and Him. Doing this has certainly helped to bring about a lot less worry in my life. It has also helped me to accept and believe in His promise of forgiveness, to know that I am not damned by a single wrongdoing, but offered redemption instead.

“Lord, I pray you will look after all those struggling to overcome sin. I pray you will lead them and comfort them, and forgive them when they are weak. Give them the patience to endure, and the trust to continue following you no matter what. Help me in this same regard, Lord, and in all other ways you know I need it. And please also help the church to better know how to welcome and work with people of all backgrounds toward your glory, Lord. In your son, Jesus’, name I pray. Amen.”

Forgiving

“It’s okay.”

“Don’t worry about it.”

“It no longer matters.”

“I forgive you.”

“You’re forgiven.”

Those five sentences are some of the most powerful any person can ever hope to hear. Guilt, grief, regret, and sorrow are four things most people experience at some time in their lives. They can be four of the most destructive feelings, or they can be four of the most motivating and transformative.

Most of us have done things we feel bad about. We can let that consume us to the point of being overcome by negative emotions and actions, or we can learn from them and change our actions, accepting forgiveness for ourselves from self and from others.

I remember having a friend (one of few) at a daycare I went to when I was little. We played together a bunch. He was a few years younger than me. One day while we were out on the playground, he crossed the fence and went onto the adjoining field. The lady that watched us yelled for him from the house to come back. I remember standing by the fence calling at him as well. He came back, and as he crossed over into the yard, I spanked him and fussed at him. The lady that watched us stopped me though, and I wound up in trouble myself for what I’d done to him. I don’t remember us ever being friends after that.

I look back at this and it bothers me. It has ever sense it happened. It’s not the worst thing I’ve ever done, but I use it now to get a point across: people can be bothered by things they did so many years ago, and from such a young age (I was probably only six or seven), that probably all others have no recollection at all about. I seriously doubt that young boy, the lady that watched us, or any of the other kids remember what happened at all. And yet, I do, and it’s something I have felt regret about.

The wrongs that we do always have consequences. Some are worse than others. Knowing there can be forgiveness though, is one of the best things we can have. Whether we’re offered forgiveness from others, or forgive ourselves, or get it from God, forgiveness has the power to transform so much about us. When we have forgiveness, this transformation is for the good, freeing us to move forward in life. When we do not have forgiveness, however, this transformation can be for the bad, holding us back or causing us to commit further wrongs.

Sin is so very dangerous. When we sin we stain our souls in such a way that none of us could ever imagine. Even the smallest of sins has the power to destroy everything about us. God knows this. He knows how much damage we cause ourselves and others. And yet He loves us enough to forgive us. He loves us enough to have offered himself as a payment for our sins. How greater a gift could any of us ever hope to have? It is the best gift, forgiveness. It is one that to not accept is so incredibly sad.

I’ll admit, in the past, forgiving myself has been the hardest thing for me to do. I’ve held many things over my head for years, and struggled mercilessly to stop doing. What helps when someone does this is to start out with accepting and knowing that God truly does offer forgiveness. When you accept Christ into your life, all those wrongs are washed away, forgotten, put aside. They’re no longer held against you. If God can do that for you, then surely you can do that for yourself.

When we accept forgiveness, we feel the weight of that sin leave us forever. When we accept forgiveness, we no longer have to carry that burden which has held us down. It’s gone.

Imagine how much freer we’d all feel if we could accept forgiveness, in all of its forms, at all times.

How much better off would you be?

Fighting Temptations

Yesterday marked the 8th day I had resisted the urge to masturbate. I consider this a victory, and one which, without God’s help, I know I would have never been able to accomplish. And I did it for God.

It was certainly a struggle. Masturbation is something that I used to try really hard to resist. I spent at least three or four years doing my best not to give into this. Throughout that whole time I kept struggling and would always inevitably go off on a binge until coming back to my senses. The last two or three years, however, I really haven’t tried to resist at all. If I felt like it and could, I just did it.

Recently, though, I have been wondering back to those days when I tried not to do this. I knew it was a struggle, and I did just get really tired always fighting and failing to resist this thing. That’s why I eventually just gave up trying to fight and thought it best simply to rely on God’s forgiveness (which alone, I just don’t think is enough—I have to do my part as well). But I’ve felt lately that it was a fight I should have kept struggling through—that I shouldn’t have given up.

I won’t lie; masturbation has got to be one of the hardest things to completely give up (at least for me). And I think, deep down, it is something that should be given up, and better yet, I should never have started at all. I believe this simply because it is one of those acts which seems to always accompany fantasies of sex between other men or of sex between other men and me. I find it virtually impossible to prevent myself from lusting whenever I do this. If done without lusting, I’m honestly not sure it would be a sin, but that’s something I can’t seem to do. And so, as of late, I’ve just felt a stronger conviction to try more in earnest, yet again, to give this thing up.

I have also tried much more not to give into pornography. On this front, I have been somewhat less successful. Old habits die hard. I’m trying to remember not to drift onto certain websites. A few times I’ve literally just had to close out my computer and get away from it. Even though I have given in a few times, though, I know the times I was able to resist was the working and help of God. And that is really my main point writing about all of this. In trying to resist these two temptations, I have felt closer to God. I’ve prayed to him more for strength, for guidance, for forgiveness, and for thanks in what help He has given me.

I know some people may say that it is stupid trying to resist these two things, or in having some problem with them. But I think if fighting them brings me in some way closer to God, then that must be a good thing. And so, I hope to continue fighting on, resisting with all I can and with God helping me.

Last night, however, after eight days resisting the temptation to masturbate, I ended up giving in. I just couldn’t seem to find any means of which to stop myself. And afterward, unlike with the pornography, I felt so severely convicted, guilty, self-loathing, and shameful that it was pathetic. I felt like a kid who’d done something so wrong it was unforgiveable and heartbreaking. The result was that I stayed up most of the night, unable to sleep, hating myself for what I had done.

I still feel some of those feelings, but I know God forgives me. And I know that giving in last night doesn’t take away the fact that I resisted all those days before. I know that I’m still loved by God and that He will still help me going forward. And going forward, I’m going to try not to think of myself the way the devil would like for me to. He wants me to think I’m a failure and that I’m no good, and that I should just give up completely. But, as I said earlier, I’m not going to do that. I’m going to pick myself back up (even if that means a thousand different times) and continue fighting, with God hand in hand beside me.

If doing this brings me closer to God, then that’s what I want to do.

Right and Wrong

I don’t like being wrong. I don’t think this is due to pride, but simply out of a desire to believe and profess what is truth. The last few years I have been seeking out the truth. I like hearing other people’s point of view and opinions. I’ve often been a viewer of CNN, and many of my conservative friends wonder why I watch it instead of Fox News. I tell them that by watching CNN I get to understand why people on the other side think the way they do about things. Politically, I would say that I am more of a moderate than conservative or liberal, but when in doubt, I tend to lean more conservatively. But rather than close my mind and refuse to hear out the views of others, I choose to hear them out and see if either they’re right or I’m right by doing so.

Here’s an example of when I’ve done this. I used to be in support of the death penalty for people who had committed severe crimes. I was pretty adamant in this belief. But a friend of mine made me question this belief. We had always shared the belief that abortion was wrong. He wrote an article about that a year or two ago, describing his pro-life beliefs. Within that article, he explained that his pro-life position went beyond that of the preborn, explaining that life was precious regardless of the situation or circumstances surrounding that life. The more I thought about what he’d written, the more I was convinced he was right. I am now against the death penalty as adamantly as I used to be for it. I just don’t believe that anyone should ever take another life like that. No person should ever take another person’s life into their hands as such. And the fact that there have been so many wrongful convictions in the past is just another reason for me to believe this.

Now, don’t get me wrong. I think a policeman shooting a man getting ready to stab or shoot someone himself is doing a good and just thing to prevent that man from doing considerable harm to another. Protecting others or self in such a way is more than justifiable.

But the point is that listening to others can sometimes bring you to a better understanding of the world around you. You can see where either you have been potentially mistaken or correct about a certain thing. I’ve found that in many instances, I have been wrong about a great many things in my life. But in debating, discussing, or just simply listening to others, I have found myself also proven correct in my thinking.

The last couple of years, I have found myself doubting many of my beliefs. The reason for this, I think, is because of my openness to consider the viewpoints of others. I’ve listened to so many different viewpoints that somewhere along the way I’ve become confused and frustrated about what to believe. But on top of that, I know I have been dissuaded, disappointed, and turned off to many people in my life who had shared a lot of the same beliefs as me. It’s hard to believe in the same things as a preacher, fellow churchgoers, coworkers, parents, and others who have neglected, abused, or belittled you, or faltered somewhere along the way themselves. It’s hard to believe anything they say is true. And when you want to get away from them, you also want to get away and reject anything that reminds you of them.

As I said in my last post, I have increasingly felt a desire to distance myself from all things Christianity. I’ve been trying to figure out why the past few weeks, and why this has intensified dramatically since I’ve begun going to church again. I think this is the reason. Being in church I’m reminded of all the past hurts, I sit next to parents who have refused to help me or guide me in life, amongst other Christians who have never attempted to befriend me or get to know me, or who I’ve seen commits wrongs to others, and all of this combined has just made me want to reject the message they proclaim. I realized this on Sunday during the church service. I was angry at my parents for a few things and just wanted to get up and leave the church and never come back—to get away from them.

I think forgiving others is something much more difficult for me to do than I previously thought. I need to work on that. I think also, my faith, in a lot of ways, must have been strengthened in the past considerably more from others than I’d realized. And when those others let me down, my faith was weakened or brought down as well. God alone should be my strength and my main concern. That sounds good, and should probably be true. But all Christians are not in and of themselves. We all belong to a greater body. When that body is damaged, we are all affected. I need that strength that only the body can give me. I know, too, though, that I do need to rely more upon Christ than what I have been. And, sometimes, I think I need to listen a little less to others.

Venting

Okay, so I'm in a mood. I'm just frustrated feeling. Really. I think I'm just so sick of so many people in my life, and I'm so sick of feeling stepped on by so many people. I've been trying to work through these feelings and keep my mind on God and to keep cool, but I just feel the need to vent. I'll do a preemptive apology now for the following.

First off, my brother is an idiot. There, I said it. I've never in my life known someone who could make so many stupid decisions on what should be some really easy decisions to make. I won't go into details, but it just really grates on my nerves that he could be so clueless about so many things. He isn't a dummy. I know that and I'll admit that, but it's just like he never thinks anything through, and he gets some of the weirdest of ideas sometimes that makes absolutely no sense whatsoever; he keeps getting himself in trouble, people try to warn him against certain things, he won't listen, gets further in trouble, and then wonders why all the time. He's just really starting to get on my nerves with all his b---s---. If I didn't love him so much, and if he wasn't family, I'd probably have told him to take a hike already. I've never spent anymore time than I had to around other people like him, but, well... there you have it. He's my brother for better or worse and I guess I'll just have to put up with him. We've been through so much together that by this point, it would be kind of ridiculous to disown him.

Secondly, I'm tired of my grandparents always calling on me to do everything for them when there are four other grandchildren who could be called on from time to time. I don't understand why I'm always the only one who has to do all this crap for them while the others never do anything. I mean, if it's just that they like being around me more than the rest, I understand that, but there ARE other ways of being around me rather than having me do all these chores for them all the time. We could visit more often, call on the phone, go on a trip, etc. The thing is, when they call on me all the time for these things it just makes me not want to have anything to do with them. I've got things of my own to do, and it just gets on my nerves that I never have time for anything I'd like to do anymore because people are always asking and expecting things from me. And it pisses me off because I rarely ever ask anybody to do anything for me. I try to take care of myself as best I can without putting anybody out. And if by chance I do ask anyone for help, it's like I always get a no. “Dad, will you help me (or teach me how to) change the oil in my car?” Reply: “No”. “Brother, will you help me move this piece of furniture?” Reply: “No, not right now [five days later--maybe]”. “Friend, will you go to that group event/function/etc. with me?” Reply: “No”. Well, I'm sick of it! I'm sick of feeling like I have to give of myself all the time and never get anything back from anyone else. And it's like if I do ask for help I'm usually made to feel like I'm the scum of the earth or something for asking. I don't understand it. And it's not that I do the things I do for other people in order to get something back from them. I'm glad I can help my grandparents. I'm glad I can do things for other people. But it would be nice if at least occasionally there would be something, anything, in return. It would be nice if occasionally somebody would return the favor.

This leads me to another issue. I'm tired of doing my best all the time and it never being good enough for anybody. I try to do my best at everything I do, and it's like nobody ever recognizes that. It's never good enough. I feel like I'm never good enough. Nothing I do is good enough for my parents, my brother, people at work, at church, and so on. Like Rodney Dangerfield always used to say: “No respect”. I don't get any respect. Mainly from my family though. It's like my family just thinks they can walk all over me all the time, and I'm getting so sick and tired of it. If it's not good enough, if I'm not good enough, then the way I see it, they can find someone else they think can do better and just leave me alone for a change.

I'm also mad at myself though. I've given in to a couple of things I shouldn't have—nothing too serious, but things I knew better than to do—and it's just been bugging me. I know that my acting out was really just a wrong response to some of the feelings I've had the last couple of days. But I also know that that doesn't justify anything. I'm trying not to linger too much on it though. I've asked God to forgive me and I'm trying not to do those things again and to move on. That's all I can do.

As I said in the beginning of this post, I'm just venting. Hopefully getting some of this off my chest will help some. I don't know. I'm sure, or at least I hope, that by this time tomorrow I'll be in a far better mood.

Sorry to be such a killjoy. I'll try to post something better next time.

If You Give the Devil A Ride

One of my favorite quotes is “if you stop to give the devil a ride, eventually he'll want to be the one doing the driving.” What that basically means is that if you entertain sinful thoughts, and give in to those temptations, the devil will use that to little by little gain control over your life. The point is that, if you see a temptation coming up ahead, don't stop, just drive on by. Get out of there! Don't stop to let the devil into your life. Just leave him there stranded on the side of the road.

A few months ago, a friend of mine recommended a book to me called Heaven's Back Row, by a man named Bob Blackford. Nowhere have I ever known a greater example of how a person can allow the devil to take over their life. Blackford describes in his book the events, which led up to him contracting the HIV AIDS virus. And even though his story is one of great hope and redemption in the end, it is nevertheless an incredibly sad life story. It's one of parental neglect, verbal abuse, sexual abuse, confusion, self-doubt and low self-esteem. It's a story of a man who becomes a Christian, gets married (even though he knew he was homosexual), has children, goes into the ministry, and then little by little severely damages his life by allowing Satan to control it.

He began going into gay bars and adult bookstores. Then he began secretly having an affair with another man. He let that man introduce him into a very promiscuous gay lifestyle. One in which he lied to his wife for many years in order to have it. And it was through this relationship that he contracted the HIV virus. When that happened, he was caught. He knew he had to confront the people in his life about this, and the aftermath of that was that he nearly lost everything he had—his ministry, his family, his friends, even his life. And the truly sad thing about this was that, by that time, he was hooked. He continued to seek out other men and to have sex with them. He continued looking at pornography and lying to his family. And he hurt all those other people in his life so terribly.

I read Bob Blackford's book and I can't help but break down crying. I feel sorry for him and for the people in his life. I've had a lot of the same feelings he's had, and I've even done a few of the same things, so I can relate to him very well. I know how awful he's felt about some of the things he talks about. I know all too well about some of his struggles—a lot of them have been my own. And I hate that he's had to go through everything he's went through. I hate how he allowed Satan to get such a strong foothold on his life. I'm saddened that he now has to face all the consequences of that. I'm saddened that the man he was with also died of AIDS, as a very lonely, poor man who never knew Christ. I'm saddened that another man he knew died in a very similar way, rejecting God only because he was afraid God would be too much like his uncaring, unloving father. I'm saddened that Bob's wife and family and friends had to go through all the turmoil that he brought upon them. I'm saddened by the fact that they have to continuously watch this man they love now die slowly by a ravaging illness.

I wish, with all the openness of homosexuality today, that there was a greater openness of a persons options when dealing with this. If I find guys attractive, does that mean I'm gay? If so, does that mean I have to live a gay lifestyle? Can I be a Christian and still be gay? Is there any help or hope for me to overcome homosexual desires? All these questions and more I don't think are being answered. Are people getting help? I don't think so. At least not like they should. We have ministers who won't talk about this issue, or if they do, it's only to condemn the homosexual to hell. The media and a great many school officials and politicians seem to push and promote the idea that homosexuality is okay. That is, believe it or not, a fact. And so where does that leave a person? Especially a young, confused person who doesn't want to be gay? It leaves them alone and confused, and prone to giving into things that they probably wouldn't give into if they were just properly taught about this issue—as in the case with Bob Blackford.

I see people who are so confused and desperate for some answers. I see people suffering. I see them going down a road of destruction, led by the devil, searching desperately for something they can't seem to grasp onto. And the very thing they need (God and his truth) so many of them turn away from because of self-righteous, hypocritical bigots who show them no care or mercy or love, and give them the message there's no hope for them. And so they keep on searching... in vain.

And that's what Satan does. He gets at you little by little until eventually he takes you further than you'd ever imagine or dream you'd go, all in a big ploy to get you to turn away from God and to destroy your life. I'm sure Bob Blackford never intended to meet that man in the bookstore when he went in. I'm sure he never expected to have a long-term relationship with that man afterwards. I'm sure he never expected to get AIDS, or to hurt his family and his ministry and his friends. You see, once you pick up the devil, once you open your life and your heart for him to infiltrate, he's going to do everything he can to destroy you. That's his sole purpose, because he hates God, and he hates us because we're a part of God's creation.

I look at the man, Michael, who Blackford talks about as his second long-term gay partner, and I feel so sorry for him. I can't imagine how unloved he must have felt. I can't imagine how horrible a death he must have experienced. And why? Because his father didn't love him and was ashamed of him. Because he believed the lies of those bigots. Because no one of the church, not even Bob, ever really tried to reach out to him with the love and truth of Jesus Christ. And why? Why can't we as Christians go desperately into this world saving more people? Why should anyone be dying, not knowing the truth? Why isn't the church being that shining city on the hill for all those affected by homosexuality? Why are homosexuals looked at as the scum of the earth, with no hope for the future? Where's the compassion, the forgiveness, the mercy, and the care? Jesus loved sinners—desperately loved them—so why don't Christians today? Why do the homosexuals of the world have to wander about, searching in vain, dying without ever hearing the truth when we Christians today have the truth right here in front of us? Why aren't we giving it away to others with arms wide open and with all of our hearts, bringing them to Christ, and showing them there's so much better a life to live through Jesus Christ? I just don't understand it.

I am glad to say that Bob Blackford did eventually find his way back to God. He's found healing and redemption, and has been able to salvage his marriage and his ministry through the grace of God. He is now helping other people to break free from homosexuality as well, and is showing them that through God, all things are better.

I want to recommend that all of you read Heaven's Back Row. It's one of the most moving books I've ever read. It does include some detailed scenes, so be advised at that. But overall, this is a really powerful book. It's a cautionary tale. If anyone ever wanted an example of why not to engage in homosexual behavior, this is it. And not necessarily just because Blackford got AIDS, or because it damaged his ministry for a time, or because of the effects of his having an affair with another man, but because of the emotional and spiritual damage it did to him. He admits that he engaged in those acts as a means of trying to achieve legitimate needs, but that those needs were never met through homosexual acts. The result of that was that he became a wanderer. He kept searching for something so desperately, through homosexuality, and yet that never brought him anything but ruin. In his never-ending search, he nearly destroyed everything he cared about.

This story makes you feel for your fellow man, and to look within yourself and to examine your own life. It's a message of hope and understanding and redemption. But above all, it's a message of God's truth, love, and forgiveness for even the worst of us sinners—all of us sinners—and that not a single one of us is beyond God's reach. We are all important and of worth to Him. And if we just turn to Him, he's not going to destroy our lives, or condemn us, but love us beyond measure. He'll give us a new life, in Him, better than anything our old lives could ever hope to be.

Why would anyone stop to give the devil a ride when God is waiting just down the road—waiting to love, forgive, and heal the broken parts of our lives?

So This Is How God Works

I'd been skipping church the last couple of months. I had a lot of reasons for this. One, I told my preacher late last August that I struggled with homosexuality. I asked him for help several times, and I just didn't particularly care for his way of trying to help me. He basically avoided me for two or three months and then tried to tell me how immature he thought I was. Not to imply that he wasn't accurate about a few things, because he was. Problem is, I asked him for help, for support, for some words of encouragement. All I got from him was a lot of judgemental hooey, and things just got really awkward between us. I felt so bad about this that I literally left church crying every Sunday from late March until late May. Besides having some harsh feelings toward my preacher, I also had began feeling as if their was no help or hope for me at my church. And as if that wasn't bad enough, I had also began wondering if God really cared about me. Why, if He did, would He allow me to find no help in the church He had placed me in? As a result of all those bitter feelings, I made a decision to quietly withdraw from church.

Some people would say this is a really dumb thing to do. Some may even say it's a sinful thing to do. I'm not sure I agree though. I didn't turn away from God during this time. If anything, I clung onto God with all that I had. Just because a person doesn't go to church, it doesn't mean that they're Godless, or living a life of sin. In my two months absence, I have prayed a lot. I have talked to others about Christ. I have read my Bible. I got hooked on listening to Christian songs on K-Love. I have tried earnestly not to give into certain temptations the devil has held me so captive to. I signed up for and am still involved in taking the Door of Hope course from Setting Captives Free. I've thrown away all the pornography I had left. I've tried very hard to forgive my preacher and to let go of any bad feelings I'd had for him. I feel as if I've humbled myself somewhat before the Lord as well. I know I'm nothing without Him. Overall, I think a lot of positive things have been happening for me lately in my Christian walk of life.

However, I'd missed being in church. I'd missed singing hymns. I'd missed taking communion. I'd missed being in the company of other Christians. I'd missed hearing sermons and being in Sunday School. I'd missed so many things about being in church. I missed the warmth I used to feel and the closeness I felt to God when there.

Throughout the last couple of weeks I'd been feeling more and more a desire to get back in church. I didn't make it last week. And I felt bad about that. I felt that God had wanted me to go. I'd wanted to go. But I had talked my way out of it. So, I prayed a few times throughout this last week for God to help me to go to church this week. Last night, however, I began dredging up some of those old feelings for my preacher. I knew it was just Satan's little way of trying to keep me from going this morning, but I still let that make up my mind not to go. So, I went to bed last night with plans to sleep in this morning.

I woke up today by rolling off the edge of my bed. I caught myself and sat up, noticing the time on the clock. It was the time I would normally have gotten up to go and get ready for church. I laid back down for a few minutes and found myself unable to think about anything other than how I'd prayed for God to help me. I couldn't get that out of my mind. So, I figured this was God's work, and that He wanted me to get on up, get ready, and get to church. And that's just what I did.

The first person I met as I walked through the doors was my preacher. I was so glad to see him. We talked for a minute or two, and none of that old awkwardness was there. I didn't care that he'd judged me. I was just glad to see him. I'd missed him something terribly the last couple of months. After all, this is the man who taught me more about the Bible and about Jesus Christ than any other man I've known. This is the man whom I'd prayed would return to our church after having left so many years ago. With God's help, I've forgiven him. Now, by saying that, I don't mean there aren't still some hurts there. I wish he would have helped me. I wish he'd have not judged me, but had reached out to me and embraced me, sent me an encouraging note, or anything other than what he did. But those hurts don't outweigh the fact that this man has done so much for me in other ways, and I'm called as a Christian to forgive those who hurt me and to love them anyway. It feels good to do that. I'm glad I went to church this morning. Even though a lot of other things had been improving, this was something I'd definitely been missing. I think it was good for me to be out of church for awhile. I think I did need that. I needed the time off to think. But I know it was time to go back.

I didn't fall out of bed this morning. I was pushed. God pushed me out of bed. He woke me up, filled my mind, and guided me through the doors of the church where He wanted me to be. I listened to a really good sermon, I worshipped with other believers, and I felt so very close to God this morning.

God, thanks for helping me!