Inferior

I have often felt very different from other men, and until more recent years, found it nearly impossible to identify with them on almost anything. Because of this, I have felt inferior to them, as if I was somehow less than them. There are many reasons for this, some of which date as far back as when I was an infant. And it’s been a great struggle at times dealing with this.

After years of looking at other men as if they were better, I have come to realize that on a very human level, no one is better than me—and I am no better than anyone else. Everyone has a weakness, or many weaknesses. Everyone struggles with something, falls short at times, or hasn’t always lived up to their fullest potential. I am no different.

Being gay is something that has often bothered me. Growing up and developing those attractions to other men was never anything I wanted. And when they did develop, I fought them with everything I could. But I know that being gay is something that made me feel so much lesser than other men. I knew that nearly all other men were attracted to women, that that was the normal way of things, and yet I wasn’t “normal” in that regard. I knew I didn’t act as much like other men either, or have a lot of the same sort of likes or interests (things I was frequently made fun of for while growing up). I have never enjoyed sports of most kinds, and those I did enjoy, very few other men I knew ever did. There are just a lot of differences I’ve recognized over the years between myself and other men like that. And, until recent years, these were differences that I allowed to ruin my self-image and self-worth.

I have never wanted to believe that I could hate myself, but looking back over much of my life, I can see that I have done just that for a good portion of it. I haven’t liked myself very much, and have at times even hated myself.

Over the course of the last few years, I’ve been brought to a very certain conclusion though: I am not less than others. I don’t have to be perfect; I’m not perfect. And I don’t have to allow what others think of me to dictate how I think of me. I can’t please everyone, and there’s no reason for me to try to. I just have to be me, and enjoy being me. I have to be the person God knows and loves and wants. That’s what really matters more than anything else. And when I know that, what is there to feel inferior about?

I feel so much sorrow for other gay men or youths who can’t ever seem to grasp how wonderful they really are. It saddens my heart to hear of a person who has killed himself or herself because they are gay (or for any other reason really). I know there is no good reason for a person to feel bad about being gay. And it is an inexcusable travesty for any person to purposefully try to make a person feel bad about things they cannot control about themselves. I do not believe I can control who I find attractive, nor what color my skin is, nor my height, nor my ethnicity, nor my place of origin. Some things just are, and those things should be okay. They shouldn’t be ridiculed or placed at a lesser value than whatever is traditionally considered the “norm”.

Too often I look back at my life and wish for things to be as they used to be. But in this regard, I certainly do not. I don’t miss those old feelings of inferiority. I don’t miss thinking, believing, and feeling like I was some sort of a freak, unworthy of even occupying the same space as others.

Certain things really do get better the older you get. You begin to realize how unimportant the beliefs of others can be. You begin to realize how much better your life can be if you just learn to live it in the way that’s only truly best for you. You begin to realize how imperfect others are as well—even the ones you believed were the most perfect people in all of the world. You can begin to experience true freedom and self worth.

I know I’m not perfect. But I also know that I really do like a lot of things about me. And I know that I’m not inferior to anyone else. Nor is anyone else inferior.

Venting

Okay, so I'm in a mood. I'm just frustrated feeling. Really. I think I'm just so sick of so many people in my life, and I'm so sick of feeling stepped on by so many people. I've been trying to work through these feelings and keep my mind on God and to keep cool, but I just feel the need to vent. I'll do a preemptive apology now for the following.

First off, my brother is an idiot. There, I said it. I've never in my life known someone who could make so many stupid decisions on what should be some really easy decisions to make. I won't go into details, but it just really grates on my nerves that he could be so clueless about so many things. He isn't a dummy. I know that and I'll admit that, but it's just like he never thinks anything through, and he gets some of the weirdest of ideas sometimes that makes absolutely no sense whatsoever; he keeps getting himself in trouble, people try to warn him against certain things, he won't listen, gets further in trouble, and then wonders why all the time. He's just really starting to get on my nerves with all his b---s---. If I didn't love him so much, and if he wasn't family, I'd probably have told him to take a hike already. I've never spent anymore time than I had to around other people like him, but, well... there you have it. He's my brother for better or worse and I guess I'll just have to put up with him. We've been through so much together that by this point, it would be kind of ridiculous to disown him.

Secondly, I'm tired of my grandparents always calling on me to do everything for them when there are four other grandchildren who could be called on from time to time. I don't understand why I'm always the only one who has to do all this crap for them while the others never do anything. I mean, if it's just that they like being around me more than the rest, I understand that, but there ARE other ways of being around me rather than having me do all these chores for them all the time. We could visit more often, call on the phone, go on a trip, etc. The thing is, when they call on me all the time for these things it just makes me not want to have anything to do with them. I've got things of my own to do, and it just gets on my nerves that I never have time for anything I'd like to do anymore because people are always asking and expecting things from me. And it pisses me off because I rarely ever ask anybody to do anything for me. I try to take care of myself as best I can without putting anybody out. And if by chance I do ask anyone for help, it's like I always get a no. “Dad, will you help me (or teach me how to) change the oil in my car?” Reply: “No”. “Brother, will you help me move this piece of furniture?” Reply: “No, not right now [five days later--maybe]”. “Friend, will you go to that group event/function/etc. with me?” Reply: “No”. Well, I'm sick of it! I'm sick of feeling like I have to give of myself all the time and never get anything back from anyone else. And it's like if I do ask for help I'm usually made to feel like I'm the scum of the earth or something for asking. I don't understand it. And it's not that I do the things I do for other people in order to get something back from them. I'm glad I can help my grandparents. I'm glad I can do things for other people. But it would be nice if at least occasionally there would be something, anything, in return. It would be nice if occasionally somebody would return the favor.

This leads me to another issue. I'm tired of doing my best all the time and it never being good enough for anybody. I try to do my best at everything I do, and it's like nobody ever recognizes that. It's never good enough. I feel like I'm never good enough. Nothing I do is good enough for my parents, my brother, people at work, at church, and so on. Like Rodney Dangerfield always used to say: “No respect”. I don't get any respect. Mainly from my family though. It's like my family just thinks they can walk all over me all the time, and I'm getting so sick and tired of it. If it's not good enough, if I'm not good enough, then the way I see it, they can find someone else they think can do better and just leave me alone for a change.

I'm also mad at myself though. I've given in to a couple of things I shouldn't have—nothing too serious, but things I knew better than to do—and it's just been bugging me. I know that my acting out was really just a wrong response to some of the feelings I've had the last couple of days. But I also know that that doesn't justify anything. I'm trying not to linger too much on it though. I've asked God to forgive me and I'm trying not to do those things again and to move on. That's all I can do.

As I said in the beginning of this post, I'm just venting. Hopefully getting some of this off my chest will help some. I don't know. I'm sure, or at least I hope, that by this time tomorrow I'll be in a far better mood.

Sorry to be such a killjoy. I'll try to post something better next time.