Drug

So, what is my drug? What makes me feel good when the going gets tough? What helps me faster than anything to get that high, that numbness, that sense of calm and relief?

The answer… pornography and masturbation.

Last night I went to bed feeling completely hopeless. And I woke up this morning feeling the same way. I felt like a zombie all day long, as though anything that mattered in the world was completely gone. And I couldn’t find God. I couldn’t bring myself to go to Him. And as the day went, the more tempted I became. Old memories, flashes of images I’d just assume forget, constantly popped up in my mind.

I kept trying to block out the idea, especially after getting home. But as I got on my computer to check my email, those thoughts seemed to pound upon me. I finished looking up my email, replied where necessary, looked at my blog for a moment, and then pushed my laptop away. It just seemed to put a trance on me though. I knew how easy it would be. I knew I wanted to. I knew it’d make the pain go away. I put my hand up on the screen to close my laptop, but it just sort of sat there. I couldn’t bring myself to turn it off, to run, to flee. And then my hand was back on the mouse pad. I froze. I couldn’t bring myself to go ahead in either direction. And I started crying and praying and yet those images and the pain kept darting across my mind. I prayed for God to give me a way out. My heart was pounding, I was breathing deeply, and before God could ever do that, my fingers started working and I was looking up pornography. And then that led to masturbation.

My drug…

An hour and a half later I seem to be thinking much more clearly than I was. For starters, I know I never should have got on my computer feeling as tempted as I was. And I should have done more throughout the day to reach out to God. I’m not going to make any excuses for myself. After five days of living without these things, I had to give in just for a few moments of good feelings? No. I took a cheap, sleazy, quick way out, instead doing what I should have done.

And so now that I’ve fallen, I will have to pick myself back up (more like God will have to drag me up), dust off, look back ahead down that long, narrow road, and start treading along once more.

Everything Is Meaningless: A Chasing After the Wind

In the last couple of months I'll admit to having felt a little bit of a desire to just give up... on all things. I've tried hard to fix things in my life, and with little result, and I've been so very frustrated and disappointed with myself. I haven't honestly been too good to myself lately. I've been in despair--full of hopelessness. I've wallowed in self-pity and regret. I've wished for things to be so different, when sometimes things just can't be. Not everything can be changed. Although I'll admit that with God, all things can be. I'll never limit the power of God to change a life. However, it can be so hard trying to what seems to be no avail. There again, that's where patience can be a virtue. Waiting patiently for what you want can sometimes be so very discouraging.

I read a book by a man named Bob Blackford back in the winter. A friend had pointed it out to me and so I ordered it online, got it, and read through it in a flash. I couldn't put it down. The book was called "Heaven's Back Row". Anyone who gets a chance to read this book should. It's a tremendous testimony. But I will admit it is a somewhat sad testimony at that. It's one of the very few books that can actually make me break down in tears crying.

When I finished reading the book, I decided to email the author (His email address was given at the back of the book). He replied back to me, "Life is hard, but sometimes you get a patch of light. Keep falling forward, Brandon."

I love what Mr. Blackford told me. Life is hard. Of course we all know this. There are so many stumbling blocks to get in our ways. We all do things we live to regret. We all face challenges. We all struggle with something. Life is hard, beyond a shadow of a doubt. But whenever we feel that things can't get any worse, oftentimes we do get a patch of light--something that lifts us up and reveals to us that better days are indeed ahead. Things can't stay bad forever. But even if they do, we have a great hope that will shine upon us in our darkest of hours. We are given a hope from God that will pick us up out of the gutter and give us the strength to carry on. And when we get that hope, that strength, that patch of light, we pick ourselves up and continue along our way. If we are true followers of Christ, we will always move forward, trying to do God's will and obeying His ways. No doubt, we will always have our falls though. "Keep falling forward, Brandon." I think that's tremendous advice. In other words, don't give up. Keep on trying, no matter how hard things get, no matter how frustrated I get, no matter how hopeless I become. "Keep falling forward." I think I'll always remember that.

At times, I do feel that everything in life is meaningless. What's the point really to most things? Nothing in this world is incorruptible. Nothing is absolute. Nothing lasts forever. So, what's the point? Anything of this world worth chasing after is meaningless. It is a chasing after the wind--something that even if you ever do manage to grasp hold of, it will inevitably slip right through your fingers. The only real thing worth chasing after is a relationship with Christ. It's the only real thing that matters. Everything else is meaningless. That is, everything is meaningless without God.

I didn't go to church last Sunday morning. I'd been holding a grudge against God and a few others at my church for a few things, and I just honestly felt no desire at all to go. I ended up feeling bad about that decision the whole day through. I had also been skipping the Wednesday evening services as well as our Sunday evening services, both of which I had formerly attended regularly. I forced myself to go to our last Wednesday night service. And I'm glad I did go. The lesson was on a passage from Ecclesiastes. The lesson in general gave me that patch of light I had been looking for. I had been feeling so hopeless about everything. I was wanting to give up and just drift for awhile. Then I was reminded that my thinking was right, only if God was not in the equation. Well, God is in the equation. It's not all meaningless when I have Him in my life. It's all worthwhile. Life is indeed worth the living.

In the last month or two I do believe I've fallen quite hard. Not as bad as I could have, but certainly more than I should have. But I think I will continue to move forward. I'm sure I'll fall a bunch more times before all is said and done, but it's the goal that has to be kept in mind. "Keep falling forward." I think that's wonderful advice for anyone. Giving up and turning away never is the answer. And in our tiredness, God will always give us that patch of light so we can keep falling forward. He will never allow us to bare more than we can withstand.