Sunday, April 27, 2008

Still Searching For Something

I find you watching me in that dull, dark place, behind closed doors.

I struggle to refrain as I see your loving face, so gentle so kind.

You whisper for me to put aside those lesser things.

I continue anyway.

I feel you breathing upon me, as I myself begin breathing more heavily.

I resist your nudging, urging me, pulling me away.

I continue viewing.

Those other bodies draw me in—my insatiable appetite never fulfills.

My pulse increases as my desires consume me.

I block you out of my mind completely; I force you away.

I remain in that dark, secret place.

When I've finally gone for as long as I can, to a point of shear exhaustion, I tire of my lusting.

I collapse in my own heat and sweat and begin wondering what it was all for.

Why did I block you out? Why did I view those things?

For what happiness does it ever bring me?

Oh, why didn't I listen to you, my friend, my brother, my Lord, my Savior, my everything?

Why couldn't I stop myself?

Why do these desires so utterly, entirely, so forcefully, envelop me?

I think of my own weaknesses, insecurities and struggles.

I see myself loveless, inadequate, guilt-ridden, and lonely.

I pray for forgiveness, but I feel that you've left me.

I keep expecting you to eventually forever forsake me.

But then I feel a hint of your love and my hope is renewed.

You raise my chin and tell me, “It's okay, my child.

I love you beyond words. I forgive you unconditionally.

Don't wallow in your self-pity any longer.

Fight it, resist it, you're my joy and my heritage.

I'll never forsake you or leave you to this.”

I go two days happy, maybe three at the most,

full of hope and new joy—a new commitment fills my soul and my mind.

I feel as though I'm floating above cloud nine, itself.

But then something happens.

I break and fall dangerously back downwards to earth.

And the longer I fall, the more I don't seem to care.

I close the door behind me once more, to secure my seclusion.

I power up the source and search wildly and endlessly,

craving something so badly I can't ever seem to behold.

I remember past lessons and attempt to go to Thee.

For I'm told you're the only one who could ever satisfy me so wholly.

But that doesn't seem to work. I can't make it work. Nothing seems to change.

And then I feel like I'm about to explode or go crazy,

so I run away from you madly, intently.

I come full circle again, back to my medication, my drug,

my quick fix to take care of that wanting so badly,

that which I know I cannot have.

Then the confusion sets in and my mind becomes hazy,

as the thoughts begin swirling about me.

I want something more, but I'm not sure what I want more.

Can't I have both? No, I don't think so. You tell me I can't.

But for how long should I struggle? For what answers will you give me?

What relief will befall me?

I want your love, but I want to be held.

I want someone to touch and to be with. I want companionship with someone.

And as much as I'm told that you'll fill that empty void, you seem to rarely come through.

Your love means so much to me, and I'll always choose you—at least in the end.

I know I can't escape you, no matter what I do.

You always bring me back to you.

But the other seems to always brings me back to it, too.

There's just no escape from either, no relief whatever I do.

Where is my other? Where is that special someone for me?

And if not he than she? Does this other person exist?

Do you have someone else for me?

When you took the rib from my body, did you create me a helper?

Did you make me a partner, a soul mate, a best friend and true love?

Or was it to no use?

Please tell me I'm not destined to be alone.

Don't leave me behind those closed doors, chasing shadows of strangers,

knowing those shadows aren't mine, and that I shouldn't be looking—

it's a poor substitute for something so much grander.

And it's that grander fulfillment I truly wish to require.

Please don't let this dream die.

I think I'd rather stay stuck in this cycle forever with what little hope I have left,

than to break free just a shell and all empty inside.

Something seems to be missing, Lord.

Something seems to be missing and you know I'm just trying to find it.

I'm just trying to find it. And the way I'm feeling right now, you know “it” is he.

If he's out there, lead me to him. If he's not, lead me away.

But lead me to someone or something, oh Lord,

because I'm so very tired of being locked behind these closed doors,

far away in that dark, drab place,

searching endlessly, desperately for what seems like will be forever in vain.

And I don't want to remain here forever, but I admit,

even forever right here, seems better than nothing or never—it's the next closest thing.

Perhaps what I really am after is a better me?

But whatever “it” is, please lead me to it.

Please satisfy this desire some way as only you can, Lord.

Please just take this feeling and do something with it.


Anonymous said...

your not alone in these thoughts bro

Jay said...

I'm praying for you, Brandon.

MR said...

I'm praying, too. I have been where you are and God is always trustworthy even in the middle of this.

Brandon said...

Thanks guys.

Stuck in the middle with GOD said...

dude, you couldnt sum up any better where i am at the moment. I'll pray for you dude.

David C Brown said...

I'll pray for you - but remember the Holy Spirit. Have you asked for Him - for He is the only power? Have you spoken to Him in time of need? He can be your best friend here, just as the Lord Jesus is your best Friend up above. I have no power, you have no power, no one but God has power against temptation.

Brandon said...

I just want to thank everyone for the prayers. They really have helped.

David, no I probably haven't accepted the Holy Spirit's help as I should have. I will try better to remember to do so though. I think you're right about that. Thanks for commenting.

Anonymous said...

I was thinking about this stuff at Bible study tonight as we've been in a series about hearing from God/prayer/and learning to listen to Him. And for some reason I felt like God was saying to me I will be everything you need, I will fulfill all those needs you want from another man. Basically God craves me and He wants me to crave Him like I crave men sometimes. He craves for a passionate relationship with us all and if we recipricate He will return the love etc back.. idk if i explained what hit me tonight to well but I hope this helps you. The only question is the how of the recipricating this Love.

Brandon said...

Amen to that, Kevin. I don't think you could be anymore right than that. And I think you put so beautifully. God craves us and He wants us to crave Him back. Very well said.

ewe said...

brandon. You are HORNY. You know what i mean. A raging hard on boner that needs to ejaculate because of your hormones. What do you think you are? a seminarian called to religious life. You struggle cause you want a man but you won't accept it into your life. Man you got some issues around your sexuality and talking about it is good but jerkin off is fun fun fun fun fun if there is no one around and you should just enjoy it. Jeez, you beat yourself in the ground with the expectations of controlling institutional religion that does not recognize you as an individual. Your happiness is not what is in their interest. Your happiness has to be your goal. You want a guy? You want a boyfriend Brandon? Just go up and say hello to the person you are interested in. There are some very nice guys right here responding to you and relating to everything you say. Maybe he is right in front of you. Start accepting and enjoying what makes you excited. In other more plain words, enjoy either sex with someone else or at the very least really go out of your way to pleasure yourself. we all do it if we are physically healthy. good luck. Why not try to connect to your higher goodness and god right when you orgasm. Maybe that is the window or doorway to communication. It can be with a person. Maybe it can be with God.

Chris said...

Reading this, I sympathize so much with it. The cycle of running to God, then hearing the call, the enticement, and running back. Only to realize that I can't stay there in the darkness and return again.

The line that really grabbed me was "I want your love, but I want to be held." That's true so much. So much.

I think the only thing I can do is trust in Him. But it's just so, so difficult.