Thursday, September 20, 2007

Am I An Eleanor Rigby?

Sometimes I can feel so lonely. Actually, I feel rather lonely a great deal of the time. I can spend all day with people, at work, at home, etc., and then when I go to bed at night, I can feel so completely alone. I fall asleep in my room, on my bed, with the lights off, the TV off, and the ceiling fan circling above me, alone. Then I wake up in that same room alone every morning. I can sometimes wake up, and so horribly wish that there would be someone else lying in bed next to me. Someone I could put my arm around and hold, or who'd wake me up in the morning by putting his arm around me and holding me. I wish I had someone who'd go to the store with me. Someone who'd push the cart while I get all the supplies off the shelves. I wish I had someone who I could talk to lovingly. I wish I could be playful and romantic. I wish I had someone I could cook supper for and serve it by candlelight. I wish I had someone I could buy Christmas and birthday gifts for because I was in love. Not just people whom I love, such as friends or family, but someone I could be in love with. And who'd love me in return. I wish sometimes so badly that I could have a boyfriend. I wish I could feel the closeness of another guy holding me. I wish I could hold hands with him and kiss him. Yes, even sex would be nice. I feel a desire to be with someone that sometimes, nothing, not even God, seems to be able to satisfy within me. I then find myself turning to pornography and masturbation as a means of comforting myself. You know, I love the Internet for some reasons, but for other reasons I hate it with a passion. Blogger and email and information and all that are very good things. But all the pornography and all that other junk that makes up about ninety percent of the content on the Internet I detest so much. Even still, that doesn't keep me from falling prey to it and giving into my lustful temptations. I can look up pornography and see those other guys and somehow feel better. I oddly enough can feel close to them. Of course, this better feeling—this feeling of being close to another guy—never lasts. In fact, I tend to feel so guilty and pathetic each time after I do this that I just literally want to go crawl off under a rock somewhere and call it a quits. I feel even worse than I did to begin with. I still feel alone, but then I feel an added guilt for having given in to something I know I shouldn't have.


The other day, I was listening to the song “Eleanor Rigby” on the Beatles Love CD (I love the Beatles, by the way), and I couldn't help but wonder if I was to become an Eleanor Rigby—one of those persons who grows old and alone, and waits by the window, never knowing the joy of having someone else to share my life with. Suddenly, I felt so depressed.


...All the lonely people...”


I try to turn to God to take care of my loneliness. I imagine His arms around me, giving me a warm and loving embrace, caring for me. He's been helping me form friendships the last couple of years to take care of this problem, and that's helped a lot too. I've made a lot of friends. But still, there are plenty of lonely days.

7 comments:

RikFleming said...

Bro,

Please forgive me, but I had to laugh when I saw the title for the blog entry. I've had that same tune in my head from time to time and thought the same thing about myself. To make matters worse, today I have to tell a woman I was thinking I'd like to marry "goodbye."

I'm going to be shutting down my journal-blog in another week because it has served its purpose. BUT I plan to start a web site in which I combine both my apologetical and counseling studies to the issue of SSA and Gay Theology. It may take a while to get it going, but until I do I'll continue to check your blog and comment from time to time.

If you ever need to get in touch with me, just yell:

HELP!
HELP! I NEED SOMEBODY,
HELP! NOT JUST ANYBODY,
HELP! YOU KNOW I NEED SOMEONE, HELP.

WHEN I WAS YOUNGER, SO MUCH YOUNGER THAN TODAY,
I NEVER NEEDED ANYBODY'S HELP IN ANY WAY.
BUT NOW THESE DAYS ARE GONE, I'M NOT SO SELF ASSURED,
NOW I FIND I'VE CHANGED MY MIND I'VE OPENED UP THE DOORS.

HELP ME IF YOU CAN, I'M FEELING DOWN
AND I DO APPRECIATE YOU BEING AROUND.
HELP ME GET MY FEET BACK ON THE GROUND,
WON'T YOU PLEASE, PLEASE HELP ME.

AND NOW MY LIFE HAS CHANGED IN OH SO MANY WAYS,
MY INDEPENDENCE SEEMS TO VANISH IN THE HAZE.
BUT EV'RY NOW AND THEN I FEEL SO INSECURE,
I KNOW THAT I JUST NEED YOU LIKE I'VE NEVER DONE BEFORE.

HELP ME IF YOU CAN, I'M FEELING DOWN
AND I DO APPRECIATE YOU BEING AROUND.
HELP ME GET MY FEET BACK ON THE GROUND,
WON'T YOU PLEASE, PLEASE HELP ME!

Brandon said...

Rik,

I'm glad you liked the title of this post. My sense of humor must be improving. I'd actually almost changed the title at the last minute and decided to stick with it.

I'm also glad to hear you're starting your own website, but I hate to hear you're ending your blog. I've probably enjoyed it the most of all I regularly read.

Sorry about the "goodbye". That's tough, isn't it? Keep trying though. God will eventually give you a mate.

Thanks for being a friend, Rik.

Kevin said...

I don't know you but I struggle with the same issues and I've felt the same sometimes. But i've realized that sometimes its about realizing what you really want deep down. Never give up man its gunna be worth it.

Jay said...

I know where you're coming from. One of the reasons that I started to move away from pornography (aside from a general realization of the immorality of it all) was because I realized that the men I was watching were probably just as lonely as I was. They had the sex, sure, but they didn't have the Christmas presents, the love, or anything else that I (or you) desire.

It's hard to be attracted to those guys when you realize just how lost they are and how they're wasting their youth and their health.

As for loneliness, I only have this advice that works for me. Memory is the biggest foil for loneliness. Remember your friends, your travels, your family, the times when you felt comfortable and at peace. Think about them often, and try to make new memories by seeking out friends and having a good time. When you're with them, enjoy the moment and be blessed! When you're not, remember that they're still out there and still love you. Right now an intimate relationship might be denied you, but you can find just as much validation and joy in your friends and family.

Feel better, and God bless.

Brandon said...

Thanks for the comment Jay.

I've felt just like you about pornography. It's hard looking at that sort of thing and knowing that those guys probably have a lot of the same hurts I've had, and then some. And to think of how lost they must be. It's sad really. One of the last guys I ever remember looking at, for whatever reason his image seems to be fairly burned in my mind. I pray for him whenever I'm tempted to look at pornography and hope God reaches him, as well as all those others who get involved in that.

Great advice about loneliness by the way. I think I might try some of that.

God bless.

sammy frank said...

Thank you for your honest words on loneliness. I also am a Christian, and though I am happily married with 6 children there are days that I feel so lonely. The little boy inside of me wants some relief and I just want to run toward a same-sex experience to take away the dark. Your honesty has inspired me to start my own blog: "paupers love song" I think that writing this out is so healthy and you have encouraged me. I will pray for you as I pray for myself..."God, let me be wholly alive, wholly yours, wholly involved in the moment...help me to be whole. And when the hooks that lie just below the surface of who I am come up, let me see them for what they are and not as life itself..." Thanks for your honesty dude! I will continue to ready your blog, it's good to know there are others who desire to be whole in every way, yet refuse to deny what they are feeling. Good job!

Brandon said...

Sammy,

I'm glad I was able to encourage you. Good luck with the blog, and I wish you the very best. Thanks also for the warm thoughts.

Brandon