Sometimes I can be so hard on myself. I can allow the great accuser to tear me down so much. There have been times when I've called myself a fag, a queer, a loser, or a half-dozen other belittling things. I've thought of myself as a monster, or a freak. I've told myself, “You'll never be able to change. You'll never have friends, or a family, or children. You'll never have anything, because you're no good.” I've put myself down in my mind so many times this way. I've used those thoughts and those labels to mean something so horrible about myself, and I've dashed my own dreams to shreds. I've told myself that all those other guys are so much better than myself, and I've condemned myself so terribly.
This is the devil playing his best game against me. He gets me to thinking about some of the things I've done in the past, about regrets, and just so many things about myself or my life I haven't enjoyed or liked. He accuses me, and I foolishly listen. That's when I damage myself the most. I believe in the devil's lies. Rather than believing God who says, “You can, and you will, because I love you” I believe in the devil who says, “You can't, and you'll never, because you're nothing.”
Nothing good ever comes of that. So, knowing this, why do I listen? And why do I agree sometimes? All this usually does, believing in these lies, tormenting myself, is cause me to give in to the very sins I try so hard not to give in to. It causes me to feel so badly about myself, and to turn from God and wallow in self-pity and agony. I know better than to do this. I'm learning not to do this. I know I'm not a bad person, I'm not a freak, and I know God loves me and promises a hopeful and brighter future for me. But I still struggle with these thoughts sometimes. I still condemn myself, and I let that tear me down so low. I believe in that whispering voice that accusers and condemns. Why do I do this!?