God said it wasn’t good for man to be alone, and so He created woman from man, to be a helpmate to him. Woman was a gift to man, a being of similarity who man could talk to, share experiences, and ultimately love and create with. Woman was called good when she was created, and man accepted her and made her his. She was a blessing, as they both were, together.
Throughout most of my life, the better friendships I have had have been with women. That’s been true for as long as I can remember. I’ve often enjoyed more female activities/talk than I have enjoyed that by most other men. Naturally, because of that, the friendships I’ve had with women have been able to develop more easily because of this.
About a year and a half after I graduated high school, I made a decision to try in earnest to make friends with other men. At the time, I really don’t know that I can say I had any male friends. To correct this, I decided to take a job which forced me to have to be around a lot of other guys, and this in itself allowed me many opportunities for finding and developing commonalities with other men. What I came to realize was that I shared many interests with them. I began to see that I wasn’t as different as I’d always thought I was. And after a few years working at this particular job, I found myself becoming more mature and more comfortable among men. At the same time, however, I’ve found myself wanting less and less friendship from women.
I still tend to develop friendships with women much faster than with men, but in the last couple of years, particularly, I haven’t sought to encourage or seek out those friendships as I used to. To be brutally honest, I’ve found myself, at times, wanting nothing to do with women at all. This isn’t to suggest that I’m against women now. It’s just that the desire for their friendship hasn’t been of one of my greatest interests. And in saying that, I also do not mean that I’ve become unfriendly toward women. It just means that I’ve begun gravitating primarily toward trying to develop friendships and being around other men. My focus has been more on gaining their friendship than that of women.
The last few months, however, I have made a female friend whom I’ve felt closer to than any other woman in a long time. I know she is romantically interested in me, though I do not share this interest in her. I like her as a friend, but that is all. Earlier this week, we went to the movies together. I had a good time with her. But it was only a good time from a friend’s point of view. Had this outing become romantic in any sense of the word, I do not think I would have enjoyed being around her at all. I don’t want to lead her on, or make her think that I like her romantically, and I’ve tried my best not to, but I’m not sure how to break it to her that I don’t feel a return attraction for her without potentially ruining the friendship. Knowing that she feels this way about me just makes me want to run away from her altogether though. I find myself wanting nothing at all to do with her now.
I think of woman being a blessing to man. For me, I don’t think it is a blessing to have a woman to want to be with me. I never have thought of this as a blessing. And, when it happens, it makes me want to avoid women entirely. I don’t want a girlfriend, or a wife. In feeling this way, though, I can’t help but wonder if I’m rejecting something meant to be good—a gift or blessing from God.
Am I to always be alone? I have family. I have friends. Is that enough of a blessing in itself? I would like to think that it is. If it is, then how do I prevent myself from having such disdainful feelings toward women whom I feel are getting too close to me? How do I tell them that I only want friendship without potentially damaging that friendship? And herein lays another problem: should I tell them I’m gay? How should I handle this?