Busy Little Bee

I often hear people talk about being too busy, or overworked. We all from time to time feel a little overworked, or rushed, depending on what is going on in our lives, and we can certainly become tired and stressed because of it. But I honestly think maybe it’s better to be overworked than underworked (of course a nice balance would be ideal).

When a person is underworked, or doesn’t have enough to do, they can become bored. They can begin doing things they shouldn’t. I know for myself not having enough to do can be a very depressing time. The beginning of this last summer, for instance, I found myself out of school, unemployed, and stuck at home by myself a great deal of the time. It took me a month to find something enjoyable to do to fill the time. Prior to that, however, I’ll admit I just sat around the house bored, trying to invent things to do, and in some cases, having too much time to contemplate sinning and to actually give into sin. This can be a downside to having free time. It’s why people overeat a lot of times, too—they become bored and eat because there’s nothing else for them to do, and eating can be an enjoyable activity to help pass the time. But one of the real downsides to having too much free time is that we become unproductive. Now, I don’t know about everyone else, but I like to feel as though I’m useful, or that I have a purpose or something I should be doing. I don’t like just sitting around. It makes me feel as though there’s nothing much to live for. That’s one reason I like being in school. I almost hate to say this, but I actually enjoy homework. I don’t like having so much that I worry I’ll never get it all done, but I do like having enough to help me keep from having an excess of do-nothing free time.

A lot of young people today, I believe, really are disadvantaged when their parents don’t make them work; even if it’s just doing chores around the house. Work, or having something you’re responsible for doing, really can help build your self-esteem and teach you the value of money and cooperating with others. When you work hard and you get money or some other reward in return, there’s a good feeling that accompanies that. I just finished a really lengthy homework assignment a few days ago that took a lot of time and effort on my part to finish. And even though I complained some about all that I had to do to finish the project, I’m really quite glad that I had it to do. It gave me something to be working on, to keep me busy and prevent boredom, and, now that it’s finished, I have something to feel proud of.

I wonder when work became such a bad thing. Seems like a lot of people I meet nowaday have this attitude against it. I notice it more and more among younger people though. In a way, I think people wrongly believe that work is just something to prevent them from having fun in life, or that it tires them too much. But I think when people think like that, they really haven’t thought the whole thing through. Yeah, having fun is, well, fun. But there can be such a thing as too much fun. And, of course, all play and no work can be just as dull as all work and no play. A trip to the amusement park can certainly become not so amusing after a few hours. That fiftieth ride on the roller coast and it will begin to lose its thrill. Too much fun, or too much of any good thing, usually has a way of becoming not so good. And then, when that does happen, the fall usually follows. Fun can take on a whole new meaning then—a more dangerous, often more sinful meaning.

The trick, really, is to find that ideal balance between work and play. We all need both to be happy, healthy, productive people. I may be busy as a bee a lot of times, but I really don’t think I’d want it any other way. Having work to do makes me feel good about myself, and it helps keep me from lingering on thoughts I shouldn’t have and doing things I shouldn’t do. On top of that, when you do work at something, you not only get the fruit of that work, but you really do make the time for play that much more valuable and meaningful.

Busy little bee, reporting for duty! And I couldn’t be happier about it.

The Future Looks Bright: Obama's Speech to Gay Rights Activists

As most of you have probably caught on, I am not much of a fan of President Barack Obama. I’ve given him a fair amount of criticism since he took office. Many of his policies and ideas I completely disagree with. However, having said that, tonight I feel proud (albeit reluctantly) to call him my president.

Knowing that his speech tonight was going to address a broad range of issues that affect the LGBT community, I made a point of watching it. I have to say I feel very reassured. President Obama made it clear that he is working to end discrimination against homosexuals, promising to end the ban on those with HIV from being allowed to immigrate to this country, to sign gay rights legislation, hate crimes legislation, and legislation to end the militaries policies of “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell” and zero tolerance against gays actively serving. These are all things he promised to do when campaigning for the presidency last year, but had, to this point, shown little signs of wanting to follow through with. Tonight, however, I think he gave the strongest show of support for homosexuals any president we have ever had has shown. He made it clear that these are things he is actively working to do. And he actually talked in his speech as though he “gets” what homosexuals face and struggle with, and that he wants to improve the lives of homosexuals in this country. He addressed the fight for equality we are all seeking and hoping for, pointing out the Stonewall protests, the lack of benefits provided to spouses or partners of homosexuals, and the firing of thousands from their jobs because of their sexuality.

Here are a few quotes from President Obama’s speech that I found memorable and meaningful:

“None of us want to be defined by just one part of what makes us whole.”

“Our common ideals are a force far stronger than any division some might sew.”

“Together we will have moved closer to that day when no one has to be afraid to be gay in America.”

These quotes, I believe, signify that he understands our struggle, and that he is working to help us.

I hope our president is honest about his intentions. I hope he is truly committed to fighting for what is right. I’ll admit that I do not trust many politicians. Those I’ve trusted in the past all had a way of letting me down. But on these issues, I hope I can trust President Obama to do what he has said he will do, because if he is able to follow through with these promises, the lives of millions will be changed so dramatically for the better. If this president has ever inspired hope in me, it is to hope for that.

To read more about his speech, click here.

No More Summer, No More Breaks, No More Fun, Obama States

Yet again, Netscape has provided me with some current news.

After reading the article Obama Seeks to Curtail Summer Vacation, I have to say my level of outrage and disgust with President Obama and our current government officials has reached a new peak. I know I’ve ranted about this before, around the start of the year, but I feel compelled to do so again.

Let me respond directly to this article. First off, I don’t care what people in other countries are doing. Yes we can learn something from others, but we don’t, as Americans, have to do everything the way everyone else does it. If people in other countries want to give their children away to public education, then by all means let them. We don’t have to follow their example. You know, it used to be us leading the world. I guess maybe that time has passed.

A ten hour school day? Really, Mr. President? I mean, I know you have a long workday yourself, but ten hours, five or more days a week, almost year long is waaaaaaaay too much time to be dedicated to learning in school. After just eight hours my mind is tired and ready for a break. Kids usually, that I’ve been around, start losing focus and attention after about six hours. And what about what’s outside of school to learn? What about learning to play sports, or developing social skills, or spending time with family? What about high school kids who need that summer job, or part time job, to save up for a car, gas money, college tuition, etc.? What about all of that?

And what’s more, why won’t anyone in our government take a serious look at why education has weakened in this country? The reason isn’t that we aren’t spending enough time at school. People in this country used to spend far less time in school, and yet we were then considered the smartest, the brightest, and the most prosperous nation on earth. The reason is that we no longer teach to the basics. We have students who rarely even get a glimpse at the times table, or who ever do any math without the assistance of a calculator. We don’t teach reading to be fun, but we teach it to be a chore. We barely even cover the fundamentals of grammar. We teach all these theories that look good but don’t work that are presented by people who have never even been in the classroom. There is little authority given to teachers to be able to discipline their students. High school is being transformed into college, causing all the basics to be shoved down our kids throats so fast that they just barely have time to grasp what they’re taught. If they get behind at all, it’s just their tough luck. And I could go on and on.

It just burns me up that our government screwed up education in this country, caused us to get dumber as a nation, and rather than actually attempting to correct their mistakes made over the last few decades, they just want to add more time to the school year and rob our kids of their youth.

Frankly, Mr. Obama, you just lost any support from me you may have otherwise had. I took you to be a fairly intelligent person. But now I’ll simply presume you are just as arrogant and ignorant as every other politician and a puppet to those leaders from other countries. Let me just tell you, if you dislike America so much, why the hell are you leading us then? If every other nation is better than America, then get the hell out and go lead someplace else. We can manage without you. Goodbye and good luck making the rest of the world as dumb as you.

Sorry for the rant.

Let me just make clear on a few things, after having some time to reflect. I don't want to make it sound as though I think we can't learn from others. We can. I think it's a good thing to consider the accomplishments of others. And there are good ideas we can get from other countries. The problem I have is that I think there are better ways of improving education in this country without having our kids live at school, learning without a break. And I don't see why we should always have to strive to be number one at everything. It's a good goal, but not one worth killing ourselves for. If the Chinese and others want to stress themselves to death to become the smartest people on earth, then let them. We can still be a smart and prosperous people without necessarily having the highest test scores. And what's wrong with that? Why do we have to give up our way of life in order to be like everyone else, particularly when there are better options available?

Here's an idea. Why not give kids summer projects to do that are goal oriented toward their next year of school? This would allow kids time away from school, but still give them specific opportunities for learning. And I'm not talking about non-stop homework projects either; just something that students can spend some of their time focused on, preparing them for their next year of school.

On another note, I will conceed that more school time is probably in the best interest of some students. But I think this should be a choice. Right now, in a lot of places, summer school or summer programs are offered as a choice for students. Afterschool programs, likewise, are offered as a choice. And these programs can certainly help to improve a child's education. Having worked in an afterschool program myself I can verify this. My problem is not with these particular programs. It is the arrogance on some to suggest that these programs are needed by all students, when they are not. It is the desire that we should always be number one at all costs, even if that cost is to rob our children of time that they need (not just want, but need) away from school. That is where I have a problem and conflict with the opinions of our current leaders.

Something Promising

Below is a link to an article I read off of Netscape. It discusses a breakthrough in AIDS treatment--a possible vaccine.

http://news.aol.com/health/article/new-aids-vaccine/684837

I read this article and wondered how many people in the world would benefit from a cure for AIDS. Thousands, millions, all? I think all people. Some people want to point to homosexuals and say that this is their disease. But it's not. AIDS is something that has claimed the lives of millions of people all throughout the world, not only homosexuals, but heterosexuals as well--moms, dads, children, whole families. The people on the continent of Africa have been particularly hard hit by AIDS. And it's not just limited to there.

I watched a movie a while back and one of the characters was asked about how many friends he'd lost during the 80's because of the AIDS outbreak. He responded over half. I think about what it would be like if half of my friends died because of a disease so few knew anything about. During the 80's, so few really did know what was going on. I can't imagine the panic or worry or concern so many people must have felt back then, and the sadness of losing so many loved ones.

I hope the possible vaccine treatment mentioned in the above article will help eventually lead to a cure for AIDS. When that day comes, I'll rejoice alongside of all those whose lives has been affected by it.

Still Calls Me Son -- John Waller

Happy Labor Day!

Last week I was listening to a cd I'd burned a year or so ago and the following song came on. It had been a long while since I'd listened to it, and I'd actually forgot it was on the cd. It's an incredible song based upon the story of the Prodigal Son. I hope you enjoy it. This wasn't the best video to accompany the song (there was a better one I'd like to have included, but it wouldn't let me embed it), but still this will let you hear it.

Walking With God

I once went walking along a sandy beach shore, with God standing by my side. I looked at him periodically, and down upon the sand and out at the ocean, turning to look ahead as we continued to walk forward. But I wasn’t really walking; it was more of a float, as if being pulled along. All I could hear was the roar of the ocean as the wind swept past us. The sky was grayed with clouds and the air was cool and damp.

I turned to look at the older, wiser man beside me. His gaze was always steady, always looking forward. I looked ahead, up the beach, at the horizon—the sun setting just behind a distant dune that seemed forever away.

Suddenly, he stopped. He said nothing, but continued looking forward. Then he glimpsed out at the ocean. He looked back to me with a smile upon his face—the smile reassuring and warm. Then he turned to look ahead at the horizon once again, but did not move.

Slowly, I moved nearer to him. I put my arms around his right and held onto him, pressing the rest of my body to him. I couldn’t face him though. I couldn’t look up. I couldn’t move or think or say or do anything. Finally, I felt his other hand close round upon mine, embracing my hold upon him. I looked up at last, fearful, ashamed, guilty and crying, tears rolling down my face. He looked down at me and smiled, nodding finally and then looking once more to the horizon. I looked at the setting sun too and, together, with his leading, we began to move forward once more. Each step I took was made possible only by him.

* * *

As you probably noticed, it’s been a while since my last post. I just haven’t really felt like writing anything much lately. I just wanted to take a moment though to say thank you to a few people. I don’t want to name names because… well, I’m not sure it would be altogether appropriate, but you’ll know who you are. Since my last post I’ve received many encouraging and uplifting emails from some of you. One of you actually offered to fly me out to visit you so that we could go on a church trip together. This offer coming from a friend that I trust, it was something that nevertheless surprised me—just that someone would be willing to do something so nice for me like that. Another of you has written back and forth to me several times. You have been there for me in some lonely moments, whether I admitted that to you or not at the time. You told me I was loved, and a blessing. You remind me there are good people out there who truly do care about me. You have each reminded me of that. And I thank you.

Some of the things I mentioned in my last post still have not yet been resolved. But I know God is still working in my life, and I think I can say I have a bit more hope now than I did.

I’m not alone.

Post 102: Apologies, Friends, Church, and Family--My Life at the Moment

I want to apologize for my last post. It’s not one that I really wanted to write. I’d been considering it for some time, purposefully putting it off, and then in a moment of loneliness, feeling sorry for myself, and frustrated, I penned the note and published it on here for all to see. And I asked a question that, really, I already knew in my heart but didn’t want to accept, and am still having trouble accepting.

I’m not ready to accept that I’ll never be with another man. And the reason for that is because I know to accept it means that I’m accepting a life without a partner. It means I’ll be accepting a future I really don’t want. I don’t want to grow old all alone. I don’t want to always live alone, or only with family. I want my own family. And it hurts me knowing that there is someone out there who I love so strongly, who I’d like to share the rest of my life with, to build a life with, but that I know I can’t be with.

I no longer hold any illusions that I’ll someday find a woman, fall in love, get married, have kids, and live happily ever after as a heterosexual male. I feel foolish for ever having believed this. It’s not that I think it can’t happen, but that I really don’t think I want it bad enough to ever see it happen. I don’t want that sort of life. The idea of having a wife doesn’t seem like such a great prospect at all to me. It seems more like a burden—not only for myself, but to whomever my wife would be. I’m afraid of it, to be quite truthful. I don’t think I’d ever be able to connect with a wife the way a husband should. And as far as kids are concerned, I just want to make it clear that I really do love kids. My nephews, for instance, have brought me so much joy in life. They’ve been a blessing beyond anything else. But I really don’t think I ever want to have kids of my own. I worry I’d just screw up their lives, or that I wouldn’t be able to be a dad to them in the way they’d need, and, frankly, I believe this world is so harsh that I want no part of responsibility bringing another being into it.

I know I can do a lot of good by not being with anyone—male or female. I think about the Apostle Paul and how remaining celibate allowed him to do more things he’d not have been able to do, perhaps, had he had a family to have to take care of. He was free, in a sense, to do other things. I try to keep that in mind. And I try to keep in mind that I don’t want to be responsible for my friend, the one I mentioned in my previous post, falling into sin. As Sweeney pointed out to me, or caused me to see more clearly, this life is short, eternity is forever, and I’d much rather be with my friend in Heaven, for all eternity, than to gain a husband for a few short years here on earth.

I whine around too much on this blog, and I’m sorry for that. I hope you’ll forgive me. It’s just that this blog is almost entirely my only means of communicating the thoughts that I’ve shared with you. If I didn’t write about such things on this blog, I’d only be bottling everything up all the time. So, I thank you for putting up with me.

I hope you’ll be willing to bear with me a bit more though.

I’ve not been in church for a long time now. I think Mother’s Day was the last time I went, Easter before that, and then only a few weeks running around Christmas. I’ve not gone to church regularly now for about a year.

This bothers me.

I quit going to church for many reasons. One reason was due to childishness, as my friend Erik suggested, and I believe was right to say so. I didn’t like the way I was being treated, so I decided to run away and go play alone in my own sandbox—as he put it. To a very large extent, I got tired of trying and putting up with others at my church, and so I left. I allowed my frustrations and anger and bitterness at them to well up within me and cause me to just give up on them, and to a larger extent, the church itself. I’ve not been very forgiving for some of the things done to me, even the things that were probably just misunderstandings on my part. But another reason is that I got tired of seeing others being mistreated as well. Last summer, one of the youth at my church announced he was gay (which was quite literally a surprise to me), and the way everyone responded to him made me sick, to say the least. And it saddened me, because I realized if I shared my own struggles, the people I’d spent my whole life going to church with would treat me the same as they did him—I finally knew what would happen if I actually came out to more people at church. I knew already what had happened when I came out to my preacher; he wouldn’t have anything to do with me, except to ignore me, put me down, and act like a total… well, let me refrain from name calling, but just say that he treated me like crap. And then I saw how not only him, but the rest of the congregation as well, treated this young teenager like crap. They did nothing to help him. And I saw how they did nothing to help a few other people with some of their problems.

I’ve felt so much anger, and at people I hate feeling this way about. I care about them, but they’ve shown me that they care so little about me. I mean, here it’s been several months since I’ve been in church and not a single person has checked up on me. It’s like they don’t miss me at all, like I wasn’t even wanted in the first place. And now I’m left wondering what to do. I think I should go to church somewhere, but I don’t know where. I’ve heard others talk about how their churches are, I’ve been to some of them, and it’s just like none of them are any better. So, should I go back to my church? I really don’t know. And then again, I’ve been having doubts about what I believe in. I’m not sure what I believe. I have one friend who’s been telling me about Catholicism, and I have to admit I like and agree with a lot of things he has taught me about Catholic doctrine. But I don’t agree with everything he’s told me. I’m not sure I know what doctrine I believe in to even know what church to go to. And maybe that’s not the most important thing anyway. Maybe Christians get too caught up in doctrine when they should be focusing more on the basics, rather than the little details. There again, sometimes the devil’s in those little details.

So, where does that leave me?

On top of all that, I’ve lost my job this year, friends, most of the support or encouragement of my parents (who refuse to help me as well—on practically anything), my counselor, and almost any feeling that God is intervening in my life at all. And to be honest, I feel angry and confused with him as well. I did everything I thought He wanted me to do, that I felt led to do (and for that matter not to do), and I can’t see how any of it made any difference in anyone’s life. If anything, I think things are worse off. I don’t understand how God could allow the church, what should be a place of refuge, hope, strength and salvation to become something of the complete opposite. And I don’t understand what purpose it’s served me, or others, to go through some of the things I’ve gone through. I know I’m nobody to be questioning the ways of God, but I do question what God wants of me. What is my purpose?

Erik reminded me also that church isn’t always about getting something in return. It’s also about giving to others and serving God. This is something that I largely felt I had been doing, but got discouraged with when I truly needed help and nobody was there for me in return. It’s like somebody getting their arm cut off in church and everybody just looking at that person and doing nothing to help stop the bleeding. After three years of asking for help, I think I just finally bled out.

And I wonder how my preacher and others can make comments like they don’t understand why people leave the church. This baffles me. When people come to the church expecting it to live up to its words, to do the things it’s supposed to do, and then they find that not to be the case, it’s disheartening and disillusioning. People don’t want what isn’t real. I don’t want what isn’t real. I either want the real thing, or I don’t want it at all.

I want to ask anyone who reads this post to please pray for me to find a good church to go to. I want to be in church again, to be with other Christians, praising God, doing good for others, and being filled with the Spirit. So, please pray for me about this.

I just feel stuck right now. It’s like everything I’d worked for at church, at work, at home, with everything has fell apart. And I feel powerless to do anything about any of it. I didn’t want to leave my church, but I felt like I couldn’t make a difference there, and just almost had to leave. I tried to reach out and nobody ever reached back. I tried to get involved and was always pushed aside and pushed out. I worked so hard at work to do a good job and the people I worked for evidently couldn’t have cared less. I made all sorts of improvements, never caused anybody any trouble, and it’s like that didn’t matter (If I’d slept around with someone’s wife, stole money from the register, and/or blown up the place I’d probably still be employed right now). I give and give and give to my family and have done all I can do for them and it’s like it’s never enough. And from all three, if I ever ask/ed for anything in return it was like I was asking for somebody to cut off their arm or something. I mean, it’s not like I ever ask much out of anybody. But when something comes up that I desperately need help from someone, I’d have thought or hoped that that help could be returned from time to time—especially when I’d so willingly offered/given it myself.

Take my parents, for example. My dad knows all the things that have happened concerning me at church. Has he tried to help me any—talk to my preacher, defend me, back my ideas? No. Has my mom helped me with anything concerning being back in school? No. Here she is a teacher, went to school only about fifteen years ago, knows a lot of the stuff I’ve needed help with (I’m becoming a teacher too), but she won’t help me with anything. Both of my parents want to pretend that I’m not gay, which is of no help to me whatsoever. I can’t talk with them. Dad keeps leaving little hints that I should try to get with this girl or that one, and mom is currently doing all she can to get the daughter of one of her friends interested in me, which is just a nightmare I don’t need at all right now, or want, but tell her that. And the list could go on and on, but I think I’ve proven my point. There’s just no support.

And so there’s where I’m at. As I already said, I’m sorry to be spilling all of this out to everyone, but it’s either do it on the blog or bottle it all up and go insane, so I chose the blog. Hopefully next time I’ll have something better to write about.