Mind Your Manners

When I was younger people often asked me if I were gay. Or, rather than ask, people would just assume it and go about making sure everyone else assumed it as well. I've even had friends confess that when they first met me they thought I was gay. Because of that, I've often wondered what it is about me that makes people think that. Is it my looks? Is it the way I talk, or the way I carry myself or move? Is it my expressions? Is it because I've never had a girlfriend, and haven't really shown any interest in having one? Is it all of these things, or more?

I remember it used to really bother me when people would ask me about my sexuality. When I was in middle school, I mostly just took any questions or accusations as a form of insult from people who didn't really like me, and I'd usually just brush it off as no big deal. At that age, I don't think it was really about people thinking I was gay so much as it was meant to be a put down. At the time though, I honestly had wondered about my sexuality. I wasn't really sure how to respond to that question, or insult. I just didn't know. However, during my first semester in high school, a discussion came up one day during health class about homosexuality. The teacher explained to the class certain aspects of that, and I remember sitting there—probably wide-eyed—thinking, I have those thoughts, I've done those things. Maybe I am gay. Even after thinking that though, I didn't want to be gay. I fought very hard against thinking of myself that way. I always have. But after that time, when older students who barely knew me at all began asking me about my sexuality, or calling me gay—sometimes even publicly—and making fun of me, it was hard for me to brush that off as I'd done before as just insult. It became clear that people really did think I was gay, and that bothered me. I didn't want people thinking that about me, and I took it very personally when they did.

A few times, I've felt comfortable enough with the person bringing the subject up to ask them why they thought that about me. Two thirds of the time the answer has been the way I talk and my mannerisms. The other third is usually due to the fact that I've never pursued any romantic relationships with girls. Not that I've pursued a relationship with any guys in the last ten years, but I suppose that doesn't matter. No girlfriend must equal gay to some people. But the three biggest reasons I've been given by people thinking I was gay is the way I talk, my mannerisms, and the fact that I've had no girlfriend.

I'll admit, sometimes I can see why other people would think that I'm gay. I look at myself sometimes and I see such a feminine, non-masculine person. I don't feel very masculine at all most of the time. I try to be though, and I like how it feels when I am, but most of the time it's just not there. I seem to get a boost of self-esteem whenever I'm able to do something particularly masculine, and I guess that's just because my male body rejoices over the fact that I'm doing something it's meant to be used for. I like hard work that actually requires some physical strength. I know I'm not the strongest of persons, but when I am able to use my muscles in such a way I get a shot of masculinity to my system. I feel a little less gay, I suppose.

I've had people at different times in my life question some of the ways in which I present myself. I've had people tell me that I walk like a girl. I've noticed that most guys sort of have a particular stride or swagger to the way that they walk. They typically walk, for a lack of a better choice of words, straight. To be blunt, most men walk as though they have something between their legs, and yet, according to others, I don't walk like that. I tend to cross one leg in front of the other just a bit as I move forward, which is the way I've been told only women walk. I actually don't think I walk too dissimilarly from other guys, but maybe I do. It is a bit hard to see for myself. I've been told that I shouldn't walk like that, but it's nothing I do intentionally. It's just how I walk. There's not one thing deliberate about it. When I've tried to walk differently, it just feels wrong. I feel stiff-legged and fake.

I've also been told that I have a “gay” voice, or a unique way of speaking. Last winter a kid at my church noticed. He asked me, “Where do you get your vocabulary?” I was a little dumbfounded on how to respond to him, because I wasn't sure if he meant the way I sound or my choice of words. I know sometimes I can talk somewhat intellectually, or a bit wordy, but I really got the sense that he meant my sound. I dumbly replied something like, “I don't know. It's just how I've always talked.” And then that was that. But I know my voice is soft, and it's not nearly as low as most other guys. I've actually been confused for a girl at various times during phone conversation or at drive-through windows and the like, mostly when I was in my teens though—and believe me, it's an embarrassing thing when the person on the other end does that and realizes their mistake. But it's usually been the way I talk that has given myself away to people the most in the past. I used to be incredibly shy. I still am, but not anything at all like I used to be. And being shy, I'd often not speak up when I talked. I talked quietly, or sort of sheepishly. In recent years, my voice has deepened some, and I try to speak more confidently when I talk. Because of that, I know I don't sound near as effeminate as I used to sound, but I still have sort of a soft voice. Add that to the mannerisms and hand gestures I typically use when I talk, and I must still come across as “gay” to a lot of people. Most of the time, I don't even realize I'm doing those things. When I do, I try to tone it down a bit, usually, but there again, that's just one of the unconscious things about me. I talk with my hands, my voice is soft, and I evidently walk and move as a girl, none of which is intentional on my part.

Some people would say that all that's wrong. They'd say that because I come across effeminate at times, that I'm sinning because I'm not acting like a man. Thing is, I'm not acting one way or another. I'm not trying to act like a woman. I'm just being myself. If I do any acting, it's to come across more masculine than I actually am. I don't want to think of myself as womanly, and I don't want others thinking that way about me either. I like to think of myself as being manly or masculine. After all, I am a man. But just because I may not always fit all of the social norms that define man or masculinity, that doesn't mean that I'm sinning, or in the wrong, does it? I don't think so.

I think it's okay for people to just be themselves—to be who you are and to be comfortable with yourself. God makes us to be unique individuals. No two people will ever completely be alike. The thing is, just because someone doesn't meet all social norms or requirements for being either masculine or feminine, doesn't mean there is something wrong with them. A guy who doesn't like football or chasing the ladies, or who has a soft voice doesn't mean there is something wrong with him. A girl who likes sports and hates playing with dolls doesn't mean there is something wrong with her. It's okay that there are differences like that. I just wish people would accept the fact that not everybody fits into a perfect mold for either masculinity or femininity—whether gay or straight—and that they shouldn't go around questioning and making accusations against people all the time as they do just because of that. But, speaking of ones sexuality, if a person wants you to know that they're gay, it's their choice. Not yours. If they want to tell you they'll do so when they're good and ready on their own time. If not, don't make any self-assumptions, and definitely don't be so disrespectful to back them into a corner or to go around calling them names or making fun of them.

Acquaintance: “Are you gay?”

Me: (Nervous) “No.”

Acquaintance: “I was just wondering.”

Me: “Well, I'm not. Why would you even think that?”

Acquaintance: “I don't know. You just sort of act and sound gay sometimes.”

Me: (Self-conscious) “Well, I'm not, so just drop it.”

Good Friend: (Nonchalantly) “You know, I actually thought you were gay too the first time I met you.”

Me: (Crushed, speechless, and wanting to crawl into a hole and cry, thinking to myself, I can't escape this).

The Questionable Love Found On Valentine's Day

This month, there are two big holidays. We have Valentine's Day on the fourteenth, and President's Day on the eighteenth. Guess which one I like the least.

You've probably guessed wrong. I'll admit it, I have never been a fan of Valentine's Day. To me, it is just such a sappy, forced day put upon people to prove their love for each other through materialistic, phony ways. I see all the heart-shaped boxes full of candy in the stores, the flowers and teddy bears and the cards and the 50% off Special One Time Only “I REALLY, REALLY, REALLY DO LOVE YOU BEST” Valentine's Day Jewelry. It's just all so overblown and fake. And it's just such a shameful exploitation of what true love actually is.

That may sound rather harsh. It's just that I don't feel if you really love somebody there should be one day dedicated each year to expressing that love in phony, fake ways. Expressing your love for someone should be more than just giving them a piece of jewelry, a box of candy, a tear-jerker card, or a candle-light dinner. Those things can be romantic, and romance does usually accompany love—particularly the kind of love (romantic love) that is generally celebrated on this day. But love is so much more than these things.

Here is what the Apostle Paul tells us love is in the book of Corinthians, chapter 13; verses 4 through 8. “Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails.”

How many of you have known a girlfriend/boyfriend who got angry or upset because they didn't get the self-seeking, selfish, present on Valentine's Day that they'd hoped for? How many women have you seen flaunt the diamond ring their husband gave them, or fall into despair whenever they didn't get one? How many men have you seen purposefully try to outdo the other guy at what gift he'd give his wife/girlfriend? How many people have you seen become envious or jealous of what they saw others get on this day that they themselves did not?

It's for those reasons I dislike Valentine's Day. It isn't real. Love isn't about getting something, or showing off, or getting the special treatment for a day. First of all, real love for somebody cannot be contained within a single day. Real love for someone is about having patience for them. Real love is not caring what the other person gives you or what they can do for you, but caring simply for them alone. Real love is being kind and gentle. Real love is forgiving—including when your husband or wife forgets it's Valentine's Day and doesn't get you anything. Real love is commitment. It's knowing the other person loves you and wants to spend their time, which they could just as easily spend with anyone else on the face of the whole earth, singularly with you. Real love is taking care of someone when they're sick or in a bad place. Real love is about giving, without expecting anything whatsoever in return. Real love is recognizing the person is more important than the materialism.

It's for all those reasons that I dislike Valentine's Day. Valentine's Day is designed to alter what true love genuinely is. It's a day designed to exploit love. It's a day to tell you, if you don't get this or that for your loved one, you don't really love them. And, as far as I'm concerned, I have no use for it.

Scared

(This was actually written yesterday, but I didn't get a chance to publish it until now)

As many people know, last night was a night of severe tornadoes to go through the south. People in Arkansas, Tennessee, Mississippi, Alabama, and Kentucky were either killed or wounded in the 50+ tornadoes that touched down.

I had been watching coverage of the Super Tuesday Primary results on CNN and had seen the reports of the storms. I knew they were heading in my general direction of Kentucky, so I was keeping an eye out periodically on the local stations and kept a watch out the window to see what was going on.

Just before midnight there was a very strong, windy storm that came through. We were under a tornado watch at that point, so we all went to the basement and bunkered down until it passed over. Meanwhile, I was doing a lot of praying for us to be safe.

After about thirty minutes, everything had calmed down. The storm had passed. We came back up from the basement. Mom and Dad went to bed and I resumed my watching the coverage of the primary results. I continued to keep an eye out on the weather, but everything seemed to be fine.

A couple of hours later, I began hearing the thunder rumble off in the distance again. I didn't think much of it though because it sounded a ways off and they still weren't showing anything on TV to be concerned about. I was relatively calm, actually. Then, I heard something scary. I muted the TV but I still couldn't tell for sure (I don't have the best of hearing), so I ran to the front door and opened it. Sure enough, the town sirens were going off. I ran back to my room and turned the TV back to the local station. There it was, a tornado warning for my county. There was rotation on the county line just to the west of us, and the path was headed straight for my town. I quickly grabbed my already prepared emergency backpack and rushed into my parent's bedroom to wake them up. Both of them jumped out of bed and we all ran back downstairs to the basement.

The TV in the basement lost satellite signal after a minute, as well as the radio, so we were completely freaked out. We had no idea what was going on. I had already seen some of the damage these storms had brought earlier in the night and I was just scared to death that that tornado was going to get us. Needless to really say, I was busy praying again for our safety.

After a moment, the satellite reacquired signal and the radio was back on. It had gone north of us, but just barely. And luckily, it had not touched down. I think all of us took a sigh of relief at that.

I went back upstairs and looked out the window. It was raining off and on and still lightning all over the place, but the wind had calmed down. The TV was showing us still under a warning, but no rotation was directly over us. A couple of minutes later we were back under a watch and it was over.

I thanked God.

Now, I'll admit that I usually like storms, but not this sort. I like the sound of gentle thunder or the soft rain, but last night, I was just scared. There was nothing enjoyable about that. Nor was there anything enjoyable about it for those who were killed, wounded, lost loved ones, lost their homes and possessions, or are having to go about cleaning up and repairing all the damage. I saw some of the destruction at Union University in Jackson, TN. That seems to have been one of the areas of worst damage. The images of that school, it just looks like a bomb went off. It literally looks like the place was just blown apart. My heart truly goes out to all those affected in those storms. My prayers are with you.

I think I'm mellowing out a little more as I get older. I used to like scary movies and the adrenaline rush of being scared, but anymore... absolutely not. All those slasher flicks and the like, no, I can't stand to watch them anymore. And I wonder what I ever saw appealing about them. All they are are movies dedicated to glorifying serial killers who enjoy mutilating people. What's enjoyable about that? Life is scary enough without having to add on more fears, isn't it? I used to not think so, but now a day, sure. Sort of the same with that show Nip Tuck. I used to really like that show during it's first two or three seasons (don't ask me why—I think it was mostly due to its periodic soft-core porn), but I quit watching it because all it was ever about was people ruining their lives and hurting each other. I actually turned to watch part of a recent episode the other day and thought I was going to throw up. This woman just graphically killed this man while he was squirming around trying to get free from her. It was just awful. I literally almost threw up. I turned the channel and I certainly don't ever plan on watching that show ever again. What's good about it to make me want to watch? Nothing.

I'm glad there wasn't more people killed or injured last night. I wish none of them had been. I can't imagine how scared they must have been, and frankly I hope I'll never have to go through that. I thank God for keeping us safe. Going to God was my only comfort. I know it would be so hard for me to go through anything like that without Him.

I don't think I'll be looking forward to any more storms for a while now. I think I certainly had my fill of being scared last night. I mean, it's winter for crying out loud! Shouldn't it be cold and snowing so we can go sledding, making snow angels, and building snowmen? We're not supposed be getting blown away in tornadoes during this time of the year.

Gossiper's Corner

For the last couple of months or so, I'd been hearing people talk about a website that was about the people and issues in the county in which I live. From what I had heard about it, I had the impression it was nothing more than a sort of gossipers corner. Because of that, I honestly hadn't had much of an interest in looking it up, but the other night, curiosity got the better of me. I went online and searched for the site. Eventually, I found it and what I discovered was something so vial, nasty, and sad that what followed was nothing short of the wrath of Brandon.

I realized real quick that this was nothing more than a site devoted purely to slander, gossip, innuendo, hate, and trash talk. One particular forum was dedicated solely to bashing a friend of mine from high school, who, yes, has done a lot in recent years that she shouldn't have done, but that still doesn't justify the treatment toward her. She was one of the best friends I've ever had. If I could have gotten past thinking myself gay at the time, I would have probably wanted to go out with her. She was one of the most loving, caring, kind persons I've ever known. Being around her literally was the best part of my high school experience. To read some of the things I was reading about her... I just wanted to cry. At one point I literally just wanted to reach through the computer and strangle all those people who were tearing her down as they were. Here are people who were solely devoting themselves to making fun of her, judging her, and tearing her down like nothing I've ever seen before. It just made me sick to my stomach. The way they were talking about her you'd have thought she was the worst person on the face of the earth. No one deserves to be talked about like that.

Another forum which got my intention was one dedicated to homosexuality. I won't get into detail about that much. Most of you by now should know where I stand on the matter. After reading through most of that, I felt such an anger I don't know if I've ever felt before. It didn't help me any to read what some of my fellow so called Christians in this county had to say on the matter. The love of Christ certainly was nowhere to be seen in their comments.

I had soon read all that I cared to read (it certainly didn't take long), and I posted my own thoughts on the site. If you can't tell from my tone, I pretty much let them have it. Be it right or wrong, I let the busy bodies of my county know exactly what I felt of them. I didn't name call, or get nasty, but I certainly hope I proved a point about how despicable their actions are and how a no good site like that really ought to be shut down. In fact, if I thought it wouldn't draw more attention to the site, I'd write a piece to go in the local newspaper condemning the thing. It's nothing but trash talk, deliberately designed to belittle and tear people down, and I pray it'll be shut down soon.

I have to ask this. What is wrong with people? Are their hearts really so full of hate for their fellow man? Do they really get some sort of thrill out of treating people like that? To watch all the news about Brittany Spears here lately, I guess the answer would be yes. So many people certainly have enjoyed all the coverage of her downfalls. But why? Why do people think that's so entertaining? I find it sad. People who find themselves in a bad state ought not to be made fun of or belittled or talked about so badly behind their backs. They should be helped! They should be prayed for! They should be loved!

Frankly, after seeing that site, I'm embarrassed to call this place my home. It makes me wonder why I even bother to stay here. There again, I know it's not only here that things like this go on. Seems like it's everywhere these days. People don't seem to have any love or understanding, sympathy, compassion or anything else good for their fellow man anymore. Everyone's too busy being selfish to care, I guess. Or too evil? I just don't understand it.

Please think long and hard before you decide to gossip about other people and talk badly about them. I know I've been accused of this in the past, but it's something that's just no good at all. All it does is hurt people. And as Christians, we should certainly know better.

Focus On God: A Change of Heart, A New Strategy

The last few weeks I've been trying to come to some logical understanding of my beliefs about homosexuality, and the way I should be responding to the homosexual desires that I have. Since just before Christmas I've been taking a different approach to how I fight those homosexual temptations. I've tried to put my thoughts into words several times now, about what this new approach or new strategy is, but nothing I've written has seemed to fully explain how I've been feeling and what I've been doing. So, I decided to be simple and just make a list of what I believe, what I want, and what I need to do in regards to overcoming homosexuality. The following is that list.

(1) I believe homosexual behavior is wrong.

(2) I don't believe God made me, or anyone else, gay. I don't believe He ever intended for anyone to have homosexual attractions.

(3) I believe it's possible for me to change my sexual attractions. With God, all things are possible as the Bible says, and I believe that includes even this.

(4) I want to change. However, if I am unable to change, or become straight, I want to be honest about that, and make the most of the situation, without losing hope.

(5) I don't need to get frustrated about what homosexual attractions or desires I have. God doesn't hold them against me, so why should I? They're nothing more than temptations, and no worse than any other temptation.

(6) I don't need to worry anymore about not gaining any attractions toward women. God doesn't require or demand of me to be attracted to women. If it happens, great, if not, it won't be the end of the world.

(7) I need to resist all homosexual temptations.

(8) I need to resist looking at pornography, masturbating, and creating sexual fantasies. These things only make me feel more homosexual.

(9) Whenever I am tempted, I need to go straight to God and pray for His help to be able to resist. I need to turn to Him whenever I see a temptation coming my way.

(10) If I do give into a particular temptation, I don't need to beat myself up for that or become all depressed about it. Rather, I should ask for God's forgiveness, accept His grace, and try harder the next time to not give in.

(11) The reason I don't want to give into temptations is because I love God and I don't want to hurt Him.

(12) I need to seek first the kingdom of God in all things. I need to ask myself if a particular action is one that God would want me to take. And I need to spend more time with God—in prayer, worship, reading His word, and being in fellowship with other believers—in order to help me know His will for my life.

(13) I need to trust God. I need to listen and accept what He tells me.

(14) I need to believe that whether my attractions change or not, things will work out as God has planned.

(15) I need to believe that God really does love me. He loves me even when I sin.

(16) I need to continue trying to see myself as God sees me; as somebody of worth and importance to Him.

(17) I need to continue trying to see others as God sees them. He sees them as He sees me. And I should have compassion, understanding, forgiveness, and love for them as God has for me.

(18) I need to continue trying to make friends. I love being able to love them and to be loved by them. They're a blessing in my life.

(19) I need to be more patient, more self-controlled, and less self-centered.

(20) I want to do more for God. I need to do more for God.

This is my new strategy, my new direction. I'm still in the fight, but I'm fighting smarter than I had been. I'm not worrying, I'm not getting frustrated—I'm being more patient and more honest with myself. And above all else, I'm putting my focus on God. I'm trusting Him and accepting His love and forgiveness, maybe for the first time in my life. I'm in this fight for Him. Not for me, but for Him. That's the difference, the change I've been trying to describe. I've got it now! It's all for Him. It's not about changing my attractions or about what I want. It's about loving God and trying to live my life the best I can for Him. I don't have to be perfect. I just have to try. And that's what I'm going to do. I think that's a cause worth really fighting for. It's a cause I really do want to fight for.

The Great Debate

Did any of you see the Democratic debate the other night? I watched it pretty much from beginning to end and I just have to say, I was thoroughly disgusted. I'll admit, all three candidates seemed to have decent ideas on various issues, but most of that seemed to be overshadowed by the constant back and forth squabbling between Hillary and Obama. If anyone watched that debate and couldn't tell the level of animosity both these candidates seem to have for one another, I'd be very surprised. All either one of them seemed to be interested in doing was tearing the other one down. And then there was John Edwards. To be honest with you, I hope Edwards wins the Democratic nomination. He seems to me like the only genuine candidate the Democrats are putting forward. He may not be the best person to have ever run for the office of president, but at least he seems truly interested in trying to achieve things to help the American people, and to do it without tearing people to shreds in order to get the job. To my knowledge, he's also the only candidate from either party to tell us the truth about NAFTA, which is that it's done away with most of the good paying factory jobs our country once had and replaced them with near minimum wage jobs with no benefits. Admitting that alone tells me he's decent and honest enough to tell us like it is. That also tells me he's on the side of the workers rather than big business, since big business is the only one truly benefited by NAFTA and our countries current free trade policies. So, I'm rooting for Edwards to become the Democrat presidential nominee.

On the Republican side, I'm beginning to get the sense that John McCain will win. He seems to have the most appeal right now among most Republicans, I think. And he's been bipartisan enough in the past that I believe he'd govern in a much more moderate way than our current president. I think he'd be willing to actually work alongside of Democrats to help get things done. I actually like John McCain. To be honest with you, I'd hoped he'd win the Republican primary back in 2000, but no such luck. Looking at McCain now, I think he's a smarter candidate than he was back then. Aside from his bipartisan background, one of the biggest things that appeals to me about McCain is his stance on the war on terror and the war in Iraq. McCain says he wants to bring our troops home, but not until we've achieved victory in Iraq. Unlike a lot of people these days, I believe we actually can achieve a sort of victory in Iraq. The problem we're having, or have had, so far, is the way in which this war has been fought. I think McCain would handle the situation in Iraq much better than Bush has and would be able to do as he says; to win in the war and then bring home our troops (and without it taking another five years). But I also like his stance on the war on terror in general. His approach to that is that we should spend more effort and money to secure ourselves at home so that the enemy has no way of ever getting to us here. That, to me, sounds like a much wiser course of action than for us to be going all over the world fighting preemptive wars and the like as we have been. So, I'm hoping McCain wins on the Republican side. Having said that, I'll go a step further and suggest a McCain/Huckabee ticket would look pretty attractive to me.

Whoever becomes our next president, my only hope is that they'll be somebody who truly does care about making America great for ALL people, and not just a few. We have so many problems in this country right now, most of which could be solved in rather simple ways actually, and yet nothing seems to be getting done. I just pray the best man (or woman) will get the job.

And for those of you who may not know, I am a registered, moderate, Republican.

The Fishing Trip

I remember one time when I was little that my Dad took my brother and me fishing. He drove us down this old abandoned looking road to a boat ramp that was no longer in use, parked the car, and we all got out. I remember looking out at the lake and thinking about how big it looked. It seemed to sprawl out forever, so blue and pretty. It was so beautiful. And it was such a wonderful day. I remember just being so excited about getting to spend time with my Dad like that. There was a small cove just to the right of the ramp and that's where Dad took us. There was a trail there that led out to this little cutout in the hillside, and there was a ledge, or what I guess you could call a jump off point just a few feet above the water. I remember us all three sitting there on the bank with our legs hanging over the side. I'm sure we looked like something from out of a Norman Rockwell painting the way we were sitting there, fishing like that. I remember after a few minutes of sitting there, my brother started to get fidgety. He wasn't very old at the time. I'm not even sure if he was five years old. But I remember he started moving around more than my Dad was comfortable with. None of us could swim at the time and I'm sure the idea of my brother falling off and going into the water was beginning to worry my Dad. I remember him telling my brother he had to sit still, and yet, my brother just kept playing around and scooting forward really close to the edge. Finally, Dad told him again if he didn't stop we were going to quit fishing and go home. At that, my brother settled down a bit.

For a few minutes, everything seemed fine, but then a group of teenagers came along, parked at the ramp, and began swimming at the mouth of the cove. When my brother saw them swimming and having fun, he immediately decided he'd have some fun as well. He started to pitch forward to go into the water. Luckily, Dad reached out for him just in time to keep him from falling. It was one of those moments where I think we were all scared half to death. Dad pulled my brother back and swatted him on the backside a few times for not listening to him and scaring him like that. Needless to say, that was the end of our fishing. Dad quickly got us back to the car and we were headed home. What had been a good day out, a nice little father and sons trip, had turned into an unfortunate disaster. Funny as it may sound, that's one of my favorite childhood memories. I learned something from it. But also, Dad was spending time with me. And any of those times whether they turned out good or bad, were good times for me. So much of the time he wouldn't spend any time with me at all, so, when he did, it meant something. I remember those times.

I think about God. He tells us not to do things, and he tells us that because He knows what's best for us. He knows we'll get hurt or that we'll hurt others if we do those things. I look at how my brother wouldn't listen to my Dad while on that fishing trip, and I think about how my brother could have slid off and drowned. But Dad caught him. I see the similarity between that story and how God is with all of us. He tells us not to do things, we do them anyway, but even still, he always reaches out to save us if we just let Him. Most of us actually do fall in the water a great deal of the time. Some of us kick our feet and wave our arms, struggling a great long time before reaching for His hand. And some of us never reach for it. We either don't see the hand because we're too busy kicking and screaming about in the water, we ignore it thinking we can save ourselves, or we had just prefer to stay in the water and drown.

I've held it against my Dad for a long time now because he didn't spend more time with me when I was younger. I hold it against him now sometimes because he still won't spend much time with me. But I love him, and I know he loves me. He's cared an awful lot for me over the years. He helped teach me right from wrong, taught me about God, clothed me, sheltered me, fed me, encouraged me, and stuck by me. I honestly was surprised by the way my Dad reacted when I told him I struggle with homosexuality. I could tell he was hurt by it, but I think he was mostly hurt because I was hurt. He just kept asking me, “Why didn't you ever tell me?” And he kept telling me he loved me. I think it really bothered him that I'd spent all those years hiding such a huge painful part of my life and going through all of that alone. When we finished talking about things, I made one request to him, and that was for him and Mom to please not treat me differently because of this. And so far, Dad and Mom both have been really great not to treat me differently than they did before. I don't think I could bare it if they did.

But I see how much my Dad really does love me. I've struggled for so long not knowing if he really loved me or not. I think back to all those times when he wouldn't have anything to do with me, when he'd ignore me, or times when he'd punished me more than I feel like I deserved, sometimes just because he felt like it, I think. By no means do I claim to have been the best-behaved child, I know I deserved most of the punishments I got, but there were times when I really do feel like I got a lot more than I deserved in the form of punishment. There was one time I'd got a deep cut on the back of my right thigh. I'd cut myself on a broken piece of glass, and probably should have had stitches for it, but didn't. A few days later Dad got mad at me about playing too loudly in the backyard. I honestly don't remember being very loud at all. But I remember he called me into the house, took his belt off, and whipped me, taking the belt across the back of my legs a few times and across that cut. Well... that opened up the wound, and when he was done whipping me I had blood running down my leg. My entire leg swelled up after that and it took a long time for that wound to heal as it should have. It's hard for me to overlook something like that. Thing is, I know my Dad isn't perfect. All parents make mistakes. All parents do things they wish they hadn't. They're only human, after all. All people do things when they're angry, tired, frustrated, or whatever else like that that they know afterwards they shouldn't have done. I don't have a doubt in my mind that my Dad did his best with me. And I'm sure that whatever hurts he may have caused me, none of them were deliberate or intentional, or if they were, I'm sure he wishes he hadn't caused them.

A lot of times, I look to God and see Him, in a way, like my Dad. But more than that, I see Him as how I wish my Dad really were. I think of all the things I think would make a perfect Dad and I see God. He loves me, cares for me, encourages me, is consistent, wants to spend time with me, blesses me richly in so many ways, teaches me right from wrong, helps me avoid trouble, helps me when I get into trouble, and always reaches His hand out to pull me back to Him. And He forgives me when I do wrong. In a way, I think one of the reasons it's been so hard for me to fully trust God is because I do relate Him in a lot of ways to my Dad. It was hard for me to trust my Dad when I was little. I never knew when it was okay to have fun around him or when to be quiet and not disturb him. But I never knew how he felt about me either. Sometimes he'd make it out like I was the most important thing in the world to him, and other times, it was as if I didn't even exist. He'd be one-way one minute, and completely different the next. I never knew how to take him.

Lately, I have been trying to separate my earthly father from my heavenly father. I think I've always known in my mind that the two are different, but maybe in my heart I've wanted to see them as one in the same. Maybe that's mostly because I've wished my father were better than he is. Maybe I've wanted him to be more Godlike in the way that he relates to me. Thing is, I know he isn't perfect, and I can't hold that against him. I'm not perfect myself. I know I've not always been the best son I could have been—neither to my earthly father or heavenly father. Looking back, I know I've done a lot in my life I never should have done, a lot that I knew better than to do. I know there have been a lot of times when I have been nothing less than a little hellion. But I know I don't have to be perfect for either of them to love me. Learning that love has meant a world of difference to me. It's helped to heal so many old wounds of my past.

Sometimes I can have rather mixed feelings about my childhood. I try to think about all the good times, and to thank God for all of them. But for all of those bad times, I just keep trying to see what good may actually have come from them. If they in any way help, or have helped, to make me a better person, then I'm glad for them too. I think about that fishing trip with mixed feelings. It started off as such a good time, and yet it ended with my brother crying, my Dad mad, and me disappointed. But one lesson I learned from that experience was not to jump off cliffs. I remember Dad explaining that to my brother and me. He told us exactly what could have happened if my brother had fallen—that he could have got hurt and died. He also told us how upset and sad that would have made him, and how we needed to listen to him when he told us not to do something. To apply that knowledge to later events in my life... I wonder if that didn't save me at one point. That first year I was in college, the devil tried really hard to convince me that I should drive my car off a cliff in order to kill myself. I wonder if somewhere buried deep in the back of my mind, God was reminding me not to jump off cliffs. I wonder if maybe it was for that very purpose that that childhood event took place, and why I've remembered it all these years. Dad taught me something as a child, and God reminded me of that later on to stop me from hurting others and myself. I think about how close I really did come to killing myself. And I'd like to think that... no, I know it was only because of God's love for me that He stopped me from doing that. I know I didn't stop me. It was something else. I think it was God lying heavy upon me to turn that wheel, to not go off that cliff, because he knew I'd hurt myself and so many other people if I did. Maybe I was simply trusting God at that point in the same way I'd trusted my Dad all those years earlier. Maybe God was just simply asking me to trust Him, and to not go through with it.

I think about things like that and I can't help but feel that if I can just learn to apply that knowledge of God's love for me and to trust Him more completely in all aspects of my life, to know what's really best for me, I won't end up flailing about in the water quite so often or for quite so long. If I can learn to trust Him more fully, maybe I'll not end up in the water in the first place. Maybe I'll be content to sit by His side, with my fishing pole in hand, enjoying the beauty of the day and the time spent in His love.