Hello, Old Friends

Well, it's been nearly a year since I've written on this thing.  I always thought if I quit writing, I'd miss it too much.  The truth is, I've not really missed this blog at all.  If anything, I've felt rather conflicted about it, and wondered if it wouldn't be better for me to just bring it down and toss it into the trash heap of history.

A lot has happened in my life this last year.  I had my first boyfriend, lost him in about a month's time, lost contact with some others I really liked online, nearly lost my grandpa due to some health concerns, suffered a horrible job situation back in the summer, fell into a severe bout of depression, changed jobs, have found a lot of happiness with the new job, worried about everything and nothing, gained weight, lost weight, changed hairstyles, and so on and so on.

I got really tired of being online last year.  I felt hurt.  I'd found a great deal of help concerning my sexuality through online resources, particularly from those related to Exodus International and through other websites and blogs.  I didn't experience the horror stories that I've heard others express, but rather a listening ear, a comforting shoulder to lean on, an ability to express myself, and friendship that didn't exist before.  Whether the advice I was given was solid or not, I at the very least received love and care, which, to a young man who felt he had nowhere else to turn, welcomed it with open arms, and cannot say that it in any way ever hurt him.  I felt discouraged that the very things that helped me were being ridiculed and brought down, and in part from within.  Having had a year to think upon this, I'd advocate that the exgay community taking such a hit was, in my opinion, a good thing.  I don't think it matters in the least little bit whether a person is gay or straight, but whether or not they actually believe in and accept Jesus as their lord and savior.  I don't think the how or why regarding causation of homosexuality matters either.  If it is, it just is.  If you are attracted to other men, it is just a state of one's condition, no different than the sky being blue on cloudless day, it is simply reality.  To deny that reality, or attempt to change it for earthly reasons, is nothing short of foolish and ignorant at best.

I wish we lived in a world where being gay was not assumed to automatically put you at odds with the church, or Christianity.  Likewise, I wish more Christians did not automatically presume that all gays are against them, or believe that they should be against all gays.  I am gay.  I like other men.  I'm still not sure if to act on those feelings are right or wrong, but I do know that simply having them is not.  I do know that God loves me regardless.  I know that my faith is not dependent upon those feelings, or even any actions I might make upon them.  Hence, the conflict I have regarding this blog.  Can it help others to read of my experiences?  Can it be beneficial for others to see how ignorant I believe I was and yet how I have changed over time?  Have I anything left to say that could actually help others?  Perhaps, but I will admit that I am so tired of reading and thinking about faith and sexuality.  I have very little desire left in me to want to indulge in anyway conversations, arguments, or whatever else concerning such matters.  Maybe that in itself is some progress on my part--whether good or bad, I'm sure time will tell.

I'd be lying if I didn't say I feel ashamed of myself for some of my past beliefs.  I have argued and been wrong on many accounts.  I've been ignorant, proud, lazy, stubborn, quick to anger...  probably in other ways wrong as well.  And this blog gave me an outlet to express all those things.  How could I not feel conflicted about it?

I also got very tired of being online because of the nature of the relationship I had with my boyfriend.  He was wonderful, and I know I was in love with him, but we were never able to actually be together.  We met online and carried out what I would imagine to be a very intense online relationship for about a month, and then he was gone--all accounts deleted.  I have no idea what became of him, other than he wanted me to know that no matter what happened he loved me.  I spent many months pining away for him at the start of the year, wondering without answer what had happened.  Perhaps I'll never know.  Again, however, this was a hurt that quite literally just made me want for nothing at all related to the online world.  I'd found him online...  I didn't even want to check my email for awhile or even look at my computer.  To do so just hurt too much.

I am wrong sometimes to turn so inward and neglect all those around me, but there are times when I simply cannot bring myself to be around others.  I was so discouraged and depressed with some of the job situation I experienced a few months back that I couldn't bring myself to be around anyone.  If I was, I couldn't think of anything positive to say, and I'm sure I was far from the best of company anyway to those I did manage to be around.  In this situation, I can attest to the power of prayer though.  It's true that at our lowest we often turn most to God, and this is something I've done quite seriously.  God has answered my prayers for a better job, and led me to a place where I couldn't be any happier working at.  He has blessed me so richly the last couple of months that I have literally found myself speechless and amazed.  He's comforted me throughout all this last year time and again when I needed him the most.  He's proven Himself to me time and again.  It is for this acknowledgement that I am writing again on this blog.  If this blog serves any purpose whatsoever, I want it to be for the very least in order to attest to the power and greatness of God.  If anything, let my story be for that.  Not about whether I am/was gay or straight, or how any of those feelings came about, or what actions I might incorrectly or correctly have made, but that a young man held onto God and God was with Him, regardless of anything else.  Take comfort in knowing that.

In case I don't write again this year, I want to wish anyone reading this a very merry Christmas.  :)

Ignite the Light

Whoever you are, there is beauty to you. Whether you recognize it or not, it is there. It is always there. And since that is true, why not let it shine? Why not be a firework, bursting forward for the whole world to see and to know and to marvel at?

Whether you are gay, straight, rich, poor, skinny, fat, tall, short, purple, green, or yellow, or whatever else, you have so much worth. Whether you believe it or not, there is good in you and in everyone, because we are all made of God and God is good. Don’t ever let anyone convince you you’re no good. Always look for the good in you and let it consume every aspect of your life.

Time Flies By

I don't know who Dr. Steve Maraboli is, but I do like his quote.

I think I’ve figured out why so many people feel like time goes by faster the older they get.

 

This Christmas went by fast to me.  It literally seemed as if it came and went in the blink of an eye, and it’s left me wondering what happened to my time.  There were so many Christmas movies I wanted to watch, places I wanted to shop at, foods I wanted to cook… just a lot of other things I wanted to do that I wasn’t able to find the time to get around to.  But it dawned on me the other day that the reason for this is, perhaps, because the older I’ve gotten, the more responsibilities I’ve taken on, and therefore the less free time I’ve had to notice the time going by.  In my busyness, I just don’t think I’ve realized how quickly the time has passed.

 

I’m not sure if this is a good thing or a bad thing.  If time flies by and it’s enjoyable, then I suppose it is mostly a good thing.  If time flies by and you’re not able to enjoy it or get everything accomplished that you’d like to, then perhaps it is a bad thing.

 

I get mixed feelings about this.  On one hand I can look back and see just how much I’ve actually accomplished (even if I didn’t accomplish everything I wanted to), but on the other hand, I can look back and think about how much time has passed and wish that I’d been able to get so much more done.  On this hand, I have to wonder if maybe I simply put too much to do on my “To Do…” list.  Either way, I have noticed that the older I’ve gotten, the faster time does indeed seem to fly by.  It seems this whole last year has honestly gone by in a flash.

 

Sometimes I wish I could be young again (or, well, younger).  When you’re little, you think you’ve got your whole life in front of you, and all the time in the world.  Maybe that’s a part of the reason behind all of this, too.  Maybe people have that feeling because the older they get, the less time they know they have (before death I mean).  Either way, I do wish time would slow down sometimes.  There are so many moments I wish I could just stop time for a while and enjoy so much more or do so much more.

 

Anyway, I just wanted to say that I hope everyone had a great Christmas, and as we come to a close on 2013, I wish you each a very happy New Year.  J

Merry Christmas!

I've been there before, too, Charlie Brown.

Merry Christmas, everyone!  May it be a truly marvelous one.  :)

Duck Dynasty Star, Phil Robertson, In Trouble for Stating Long Held Christian Belief--the World Comes to an End!

Since when is it wrong for a person to express their religious beliefs?  Since when does everyone HAVE to believe that gay sex is okay and should be promoted?  Since when was expressing beliefs from right out of the Bible considered bashing or hateful, particularly when those beliefs are expressed without any sign of malice or hatred?  He said he thought straight sex was better than gay sex.  Maybe he was a bit more graphic than he needed to be, I’ll grant that, but well, gee golly, let’s just go crucify him for stating what at least 90% of the world’s male population thinks.  I personally am kind of turned off by straight sex.  If I said penis was better than vagina (as many a gay men openly have) would that mean that I’m straight bashing?  If I said that those straight people who are sexually immoral, who commit adultery and the like, will not inherit the kingdom of God, because that is what a particular passage or two in the Bible, which I believe in, tells me, would that mean that I’m being hateful, bashing, ignorant, and just a low down dirty individual?  Would I, again, be straight bashing?  I don’t think so.  It’s just me expressing a particular belief.  If you happen to disagree with it, so what?

 

I am so sick of this politically correct attitude we’ve developed in this country.  It seems to me that we’ve gotten to a point where no one is allowed to say or think anything unless it fits some particular narrative.  Anyone who doesn’t have the one size fits all mental capacity of a Common Core vegetable must therefore be eliminated and disposed of.  Yes, they must be bashed for having their own unique views on things and casted out of society.  What kind of a world is that?  I mean, have we seriously become Nazi Germany or Soviet Russia?  Have we seriously drifted into a political climate where everyone has to say and think and believe in and do the exact same things in virtually every regard?

 

I suppose what really stung out of his comments the most was his belief that homosexuals will not inherit the kingdom of God.  Well, if you’re a Bible believing Christian, then, yes, you are going to have this belief.  Did anyone out there seriously not know that Phil Robertson was a Bible believing Christian?  I mean, the man carries his Bible around with him throughout half the episodes of the show and virtually every time he appears publically.  And, guess what, the Bible does state that homosexuals will not inherit the kingdom of God.  Oh, wow, was this really something that all us gays out there haven’t known of millenniums now?

 

You know what gay community, I AM GAY TOO, and I personally am sick to death of so many of you, particularly those in media, entertainment, and/or politics, acting as though the world owes you something.  I am so sick of you acting as though everyone should have to believe exactly as you believe.  You all, when you act that way, become the monsters.  YOU become the intolerant, the haters, the bashers, the mean ones.

 

All I want is to be left to live my life as I see fit.  Phil Robertson, did not say or do anything that would impede upon that ability.  As far as I’m concerned, he can say and think and do as he likes.  I may not agree with him on every issue, but who out there do I agree with 100% of the time on all issues?  No one.  And since when are my beliefs, or anyone else’s beliefs, more important than another’s?  Since when is the opinion of the gay community more important than anyone else’s?  As far as I’m concerned it’s not.  Everyone should have the right to be heard and treated with equal dignity and respect.  Just because Phil Robertson stated a particular belief, which is far from extreme within the Christian community, doesn’t mean he was going after you or trying to hate on you, or anything else like that.

 

You want to know what true gay bashing looks like.  It’d be a little more something like this:

 

“Gays are just completely disgusting!  I don’t want anything to do with them.  They’re gonna burn in hell and I hope they burn good.  Every last one of them should be picked up and carried off the planet so we don’t have to look at them anymore.  God hates fags!  If some queer comes around me, I’m gonna punch him right in the face.  Any son or daughter of mine better not be gay; if they are, I’ll beat the crap out of them.”

 

That, ladies and gentlemen, is true gay bashing.  Phil Robertson’s comments don’t even come close to any of that.

 

So, my advice to GLAAD and all the other organizations out there wanting to do their own bashing right now for their own political purposes… get the hell over yourselves, back off, and realize you’re not doing the world any favors by becoming what you claim to hate—just a bunch of intolerant, hate mongers. Your beliefs are not the only beliefs out there, and nor should they ever be the only beliefs available to the world.

 

I may not agree with Phil Robertson on everything, but by God, I’ll defend his rights to say and believe as he so chooses in the faith to the very end.

An Early Merry Christmas

So, Christmas is coming.  We've got up all the decorations, my brother and I have had our once a year Christmas outing, and I've actually managed to get about all the Christmas shopping I plan on doing under my belt (now I just have to wrap everything and get it all under the tree).  And, we've already had some snow, which has definitely helped get me in the mood of things.

On that last note, I thought I'd post something Christmasy that I've always liked.  I can't remember if I've posted this before, but if I have, so what.  I hope you all will like it.  It's the Christmas story episode of the Andy Griffith Show.  This has always been a favorite of mine around Christmastime and it has perhaps my favorite version of "Away in a Manger" in it.





I love how they kind of parody Scrooge a little bit in the character of Ben.  Such a feel good classic.  And I'm glad that there was a time when even on television an extremely popular show was willing to recognize Christ at Christmastime (if only more would do that today!).  He is, afterall, the reason for the season.

Merry Christmas, everyone!

Other Worlds

I really don’t know how else to say these things, so I’ll apologize up front if any of this comes across rather shocking or blunt, or even a bit “adult” compared to what I normally write about.

Here goes…

Back in August, I came across another blog while looking up porn. It was a gay themed blog focused on the Daddy/boy, or Dominant/submissive, types of gay relationships. I like that sort of thing—being submissive to other men. And I loved this particular blog. It wasn’t just a collection of images, it was interactive and welcoming. I liked the owner and many of the others who commented on there. And they liked me, too. I loved writing things to them that was sexy or erotic, knowing I could turn them on, loving their responses back to me. I felt like I belonged. For the first time in several years, I felt like I belonged. I felt special and wanted, and that made this little online world I’d stumbled into so special to me. It was, if nothing else, a place for me to escape into. I was allowed to communicate with others who feel like me and with those who like guys like me. That’s not something I’ve been allowed much experience with before. But I loved it. I felt very much at home in that world.

A couple of weeks ago, that blog was unexpectedly ended by the owner. One day he’s posting, commenting, and others are commenting, and the next day, nothing, the blog is gone, no heads up or nothing. I found out he had wanted to end the blog and just didn’t want to have to say any goodbyes to anyone. I’ll be honest, I’ve bawled my eyes out over this. I can understand him wanting to end his blog, but I wish so much he had given me some time to get used to the idea. I wasn’t ready to give up this world. I wasn’t ready for it to come crashing down, to be ripped away from me forever. Even if it was sinful, I don’t care, because I loved it. I loved being a part of it. I loved the people and I loved how right it felt for me to be a part of it. I know I’ll miss it forever.

Something this experience did was help me to realize what I want in a relationship. I like men who are stronger and more dominant than me. I like being submissive and loving and affectionate. I like someone else taking the lead. I like other men wanting me.

I know I am completely unsuitable for being with a woman. Eve knew this. I think that’s why she really broke up with me; she knew I could never really last or be happy in that relationship. It wasn’t that I didn’t like her. It’s not that I didn’t love her even. Or that she didn’t love me. It’s that I couldn’t be what I needed to be for that sort of relationship to work. I wasn’t right for it at all.

I am right for being with another man though.

About a month and a half ago, I was contacted by a man through an online dating site I’d signed up on sometime back. I decided to respond back to him, and the night I did, we literally stayed up for hours talking to each other. It was on a Friday night, and I remember it was around five or six the next morning before we quit talking. To say we hit it off fast would be an understatement.

He’s two years younger than me, loves cars, playing video games, and watching movies. He has a little girl he takes care of all the time and absolutely adores. He is sweet beyond belief, calls me baby sometimes in such an affectionate way that just drives me crazy for him, and he is somewhat bashful at times, which I find incredibly cute. He’s a great guy, and I know I’m in love with him.

It’s been three weeks now since I was last able to talk with him though. There are reasons for this which I understand, but also some reasons which I don’t understand. I honestly don’t know if I still have a boyfriend or not. My hope is that we will eventually be able to be together again, but there are some nagging doubts that I have about this.

This relationship, too, has been something I wasn’t ready to give up. Unlike the blog, I don’t know where the relationship I was in stands though.

I feel so tired of caring. Every time I care about anyone or anything it just gets taken away from me. It seems to be a pattern I can’t escape. And I don’t know how to deal with such losses in very positive ways.

I’m so tired of being lured into a false sense of comfort, believing everything is great and grand, just for something, anything to always inevitably bring my world crashing down upon me.

I’ve felt really stressed the last few weeks. Not even the most recent holiday has helped.

This Thanksgiving didn’t… I don’t even know if I could say it was Thanksgiving. I had a meal with half of my family, but it seemed more like a reunion with distant relatives than anything else. And I didn’t even get to be around anyone from my mom’s side of the family.

When I was younger, it was, in all honesty, the time spent with those on my mom’s side that I enjoyed most about the holidays. With my grandma passing, and my aunt constantly sick these days, all that’s gone now. Mom doesn’t much want us doing anything for her side anyway (just her way of trying to avoid stress).

God, I miss my grandma so much I can’t stand it. Thursday night, my brother and I went and got pizza for us and my nephews. We didn’t have leftovers, we didn’t have games and fun with family… it didn’t even feel like a Thanksgiving. It just felt like some weird, awkward day that didn’t make sense to me at all.

I feel like I always lose everything. If it’s good, it never sticks. I feel so frustrated right now. I know what I’d like my life to be like, but I can’t have it. I’m so tired of feeling bad all the time. I’ll feel good and things will be going right and then, WHAM, I’m knocked right on my ass. I just wish for some period of time I could actually just be happy.

In another world, I was a confident, happy, sexual being who was well-liked and wanted by others. In another world, I was loved and wanted by someone who I loved and wanted. In another world, I was happy with family and innocence. In another world, I felt like I belonged and was wanted in church. In another world, my dreams are still alive. In another world, I still have all the things I’ve lost. In another world, I wouldn’t feel bad about being me. In another world, I wouldn’t have to feel as though I was living a lie with every breath of the day.

I don’t know how you all will look at me now for admitting these things. Am I lost? Am I sinful? Do I even still care? I honestly wonder about that at times. But then I doubt I’d feel so bad if I didn’t care...

I feel like nothing makes sense anymore. I’m tired, scared, in poor health. Nothing seems right anymore. And anytime I think things are improving or starting to look up, I just get my legs kicked out from under me and the wind sucker punched right out of me.

I feel like there’s no way for me to be who I want to be. And even if I got that, I don’t know if it’d be right.

If I Were the Devil

I don't know much about Paul Harvey, but I heard this clip played awhile back on FOX news.  At the time, I thought about how true this warning was.  I thought Mr. Harvey must be reflecting upon our times.  What I did not know, however, was that this was something he actually preached on many decades ago before a lot of these things became true.

Isn't it funny (and sad) how people are warned over and over again, and how if they would have just heeded those warnings, they'd have been better off?  I'll admit, I fear for our nation.  I think we have a president right now who is so ideologically driven, so nearsighted, and so partisan that we are in for some real trouble.  Obamacare alone should be proof enough of that.  But we have leaders all throughout our country that do not have our best interests at heart.  We have ourselves to blame, too.  We do not pay attention to what is going on.  We take the quick, most convenient, most pleasurable, and least expensive ways out of everything we do.  We choose our leaders out of popularity rather than content or substance, or ability.  We try so hard to be politically correct that we end up running from the truth and embracing lies and injustice just to save face.  We ignore God.  We allow minorities to dictate what religious freedoms we should and should not have.  We...

You know what... WE have allowed the devil to enter our lives, to enter our country and rape his way through it like the wild beast he is.  WE have allowed our education to get worse.  WE have allowed the media to lie to us, fill our minds full of garbage, and get away with it, with trillions in their pockets.  WE have allowed our young to grow up parentless, on their own, and without discipline or care.  WE have allowed our leaders to be as corrupt as they are.  WE have allowed all of it.

WE have turned our backs on what is right.  And if I were the devil, it's people like us I would target first.

It's sad that our nation hasn't embraced and learned from Mr. Harvey's warnings.  We've already gone so far down that road he predicted we'd wind up on.  But my hope is that it's not too late for us to turn back.  I hope we will.

Damaged Goods

I can’t sleep…

I’ve felt really down the last couple of days. I have these spells. I’ll feel on top of the world and the next thing I know I feel like everything in the world’s crashing down around me. I know I suffer from depression. This has been a problem for me for a long time now. Why in the world I haven’t gotten help for this already is beyond me. Maybe it’s too much pride to admit it face to face to anyone, or maybe… well, no, I’d say that’s exactly it: too much pride.

I always miss people…

I’ve missed my grandma terribly lately. She passed away about this time two years ago, right around Thanksgiving. That was such a horrible time. Maybe it’s just the fact that Thanksgiving is coming up, or maybe it’s just that my mind has been flooded of thoughts or reminders of her lately, but I’m missing her so much it hurts.

I miss several old friends as well: people I used to go to school with, people I used to work with, people I used to go to church with, and kids I used to teach.

I don’t feel good.

I have so many insecurities it isn’t even funny. My self-confidence is virtually nonexistent, and I’m so full of doubts it’s driving me crazy.

I wish I’d done so many things different in my life. I wish I’d told so many of those assholes who made fun of me in middle school and high school to go fuck themselves and had just done what I wanted, not caring about what they thought of me. I wish I’d flirted back to some of the guys who actually showed an interest in me. I wish I’d not let some of the people from church drive me away from it. I wish I’d tried harder to make friends earlier on…

Damn it!

I hate feeling this way…

I feel tired all the time. I feel weak. And I never seem to have enough time in the day. I have all these dreams and goals and wants, and they seem to never materialize. Or, if they do, it’s just so little by little that it’s frustrating to say the least. It leaves me feeling fairly hopeless at times…

I’ve felt pretty bad about being gay lately, too. This, like depression, seems to come and go at random and without any real cause that I can pinpoint… no, that’s not quite true either, at least not this time. I know what triggered it. I subbed for a few sixth grade classes lately and in a couple of those classes I had to listen to some students talking trash about homosexuals. “That’s gross! That’s weird! They’re going to hell! God hates gays! That person’s gay because of that, and this one because of this.” I hear this from students I like, and it cuts me to the quick. I tell them not to talk that way, but that’s about all I can do to stop them. Afterward, I always feel bad. I always wonder what they’d think of me if they knew I was gay. I always wonder if they’d turn from liking me to hating me. And then I fear that if anyone did know, I’d just wind up losing my job. After all, no one wants a fag teaching their kids.

I don’t even think I’ll post this. If I do, I guess it’ll just be to maybe get a few extra prayers, I don’t know. Maybe in some way it can help someone else who suffers this late night insomnia depression to know they aren’t alone.

What Straight Christians Think About Gays

Hi!  My name is Brandon, and I approve of the above message.

Sorry, I've been following politics too much lately.  :)

For a long time now, I've been saying that our definitions do not completely gel.  When homosexuals speak, Christians hear something completely different far too much of the time.  The same is true for when Christians speak as well; homosexuals hear something different than what is meant.

I think this poll/video demonstrates so clearly how we have a major breakdown in communication right now among the Church and homosexuals.  So many Christians really do care about homosexuals, but the vast majority of homosexuals do not believe that.  And, the big cause, really, is due to how we interpret and understand each other--far too often, incorrectly.

I hope there are those on both sides of the divide who can and will watch this and take away something very meaningful from it.  Hopefully it'll help us to understand each other far better, and to change some of the approaches in how we interact with and think about each other.

Duck Dynasty (and Why This Country Needs Jesus)


Even though it has been on for a few seasons now, I didn't discover the show Duck Dynasty until sometime around this last spring.  I'd heard people talk about what a funny show it was, and tell me how much I ought to watch it.  But from the talk, I wasn't too awfully impressed; I just didn't think it would interest me any to see a bunch of southern rednecks and their shenanigans.

I wound up watching several episodes though as they came on after another show I was watching one night.  I decided to watch just to see what all the hoopla was about.

I can't remember which episode I watched first, but something that struck me was the ending.  The whole family gathered at a single table to eat, and said a prayer.  I remember feeling really warm and close to God in that moment.  And I loved seeing a REAL family come together like that and to offer thanks and praise to God.  That's just not something you'll find that much of on television these days.  But I liked it.  And the more episodes I watched, the more I liked the show, and the more I liked the Robertson family.

Since that time, I have continued to watch their show, and I have even read from some of their books.  They just recently put out a devotional book that is exceptionally good, if you are interested.  In all of it, though, I find God as a theme.  I see this family that has such a strong connection to God, who genuinely love God, and try to do right by Him.  I love seeing this.  And I know it has helped me in my own walk with God as well.

A few nights ago, my brother told me he'd come across a video of Phil Robertson (the patriarch of the family), preaching somewhere in California.  He showed me the video, and I was even further impressed.  Not at the man though, but by the fact that God could use someone like Phil Robertson to preach His word, and to do so much to help so many others.

I included that video above.  I'm not going to tell you what's in it.  I just want you to watch it.  He gives such a powerful sermon, and it seemed to me so completely relevant to our times/needs as a country.

I wonder if anyone would have ever guessed that a wild young boy, who gets married in his teens, drinks and rough houses for years, doesn't believe in God, treats his wife like crap, and neglects his children could have ever come so far in the Lord to become the man that he is today.  I like watching Duck Dynasty if for no other reason than to gain that reminder that through God, all things are possible.  Poor can become rich; atheists can become Godly, sinners can give up their sins, and so on.  What I like most, though, is seeing how a family can come together through anything, still in God, and still in love for each other.  Sorry to give it away, but that is pretty much how every episode ends.

I thank God for spreading His word through the Robertson family.  And I thank that family for being so willing to allow God to do so.

Unattached

My mom recently told me she thought I was holding myself back. She thought I was adding too many restrictions to myself—that I won’t do this thing for this reason or that thing for that reason, etc—and not taking enough risks. I know the reason she said this was mostly because she wants me to be able to find a better job and to have more opportunities to do things. I have to admit that I felt somewhat bothered by what she said though.

I know it is true that in some ways I have actually held myself back. I think I’ve had some really good reasons in doing so, but I also know that holding myself back is not entirely the reason why I haven’t moved along in life as much I should have, or would have wanted or liked to, by now. I have taken many risks and stepped way beyond my comfort zone many a time. But I have also come up against personal politics, a lack of job openings, and in some circumstances, my own ignorance. My circumstances, to some extent, have just been largely out of my control. I haven’t liked this. I’ve hated it, I’ve prayed relentlessly about it, I’ve worried about it, I’ve asked for advice, I’ve taken advice, I’ve tried to learn from past mistakes, and I honestly feel like I’ve tried my best with all of it. It just hasn’t been good enough though.

When Mom said what she did, it just made me feel like I wasn’t good enough. With what she said, along with a few other things that has happened in the last few months, I feel like she blames me for not being further along. When it comes to holding myself back, yes, I will admit that in some ways I have. I don’t want to move a hundred miles away or to another state. I like where I live. Besides that, I absolutely hate the thought of being away from my family like that. I know I don’t have enough courage to be so completely on my own, so far away from family and friends. Keeping those things in mind, I have held myself back some.

I tried explaining some of this to Mom. She understands, but not fully. She’s never really liked living around here, so she just thinks I’m nuts for actually liking it. She told me she thought I was lucky (Me? Lucky? I couldn’t wait to hear her thoughts on this). She said I was lucky because I didn’t have any attachments. I don’t have a wife, I don’t have any kids, I don’t have family right now that just has to have me around, I’m not in school anymore, I’m not indebted in any way to anyone or anything that would keep me from moving… all in all, I’m free to go where I please and do as I wish.

I’ve thought about all of this a lot. I know my Mom is right. I do have that sort of freedom right now. But in knowing this, I can’t help feeling somewhat sad about it and in some ways not wanting it. I honestly thought I was needed more, and it kind of sucks to find out that apparently others don’t think so. And that just makes me feel so unappreciated for the things I have done for them. I know this isn’t what my Mom wanted me to feel, but it does make me question just how close we really are, and how close I might be to others.

I know what my goals are, what my dreams are, where I eventually want to wind up, and I do believe I am on course for getting where I want to be in life. But it is slow going. And it is easy to want to give up. The trick is to not give up though. I believe the worst thing I could do right now is to just run off any ole place just to get a quick fix. It wouldn’t be a fix. It would just be some short term solution, throwing me off course, and causing me more problems than not.

I know my Mom wants good things for me, and I know she is tired of seeing me try for something that is so slow achieving (and it has been tough), but in this one regard I do believe she is wrong about what I should do. I honestly do believe that if I just keep building up, keep working hard, and keep having faith and patience to get where I’d like to go, I will eventually get there. And that option will be so much better for me and for others around me than taking some short term quick fix.

Having said that, I do feel tired though. I know I’m not doing certain things right, and I’m not just talking about in trying to find a job. The thing is, I really haven’t wanted to care about a lot of things that I know I should care more about. I’m tired of caring. And I know how horrible that sounds, but it is the truth. I’m so tired I just don’t want to care. In this, I know I need God’s strength. But it goes much further than that. I just don’t feel right.

I keep trying not to think too far ahead, but to rather take one day at a time. In this, I know I need God’s hope. I know that’s something I’ve not felt much of lately: hopefulness.

And I know I’m having a hard time dealing with loss. In the last few years, I’ve lost a lot of things. Things I cherished in my childhood, things that shaped how I think and feel about myself, dreams and goals for my future… my grandma. I miss my grandma terribly. She was such an important part of my life. She lived across from me almost my entire life. I was so used to seeing her and being around her. Now that she’s gone, a part of my life just seems empty. I feel like a part of me was torn away. I feel that way really in all the things I’ve lost.

And I hate getting older. I’ve never liked the thought of it. I don’t want to lose people. I don’t want to see one dream after the next come crashing to an end. I don’t want to see and feel my body age.

I turned 30 this last spring. I think it shows on my face. I do look older, more worn, less energetic. My hair keeps getting grayer, my eyes tired, my joints more sore. It terrifies me, the thought of getting older. Even worse, however, is the thought that I will not live to be very old. I have always had a very strong feeling that I won’t live a long life. This, to some extent, is an even more terrifying thought, because it makes what time I do have seem all the more urgent. And I feel as though I’ve wasted, intentionally and unintentionally, a lot of that time. At this point, I had hoped to be so much further along than I am. All combined, however, either outcome makes me somewhat panicked feeling about my future.

“And which of you by worrying can add a single hour to his life's span?” – Luke 12:25

I think about this verse a lot. I know I’m worrying too much. In this, again, I know I need God’s strength and hope. I need faith, too, that everything, regardless of outcome, will be as it should in the end.

How much longer must I wait though? How much longer before I can begin living as I’d like to live? Will that day ever come? If not, then what? How do I accept my life being something I don’t like?  I find all of these questions beyond my answer, but ones that carry so much weight.

My mom may be right. Maybe I do hold myself back too much, and maybe I don’t have any attachments. But that’s not what I want, or how I wish it was. Regardless of any faults I might have, this is not where I’d hoped to be in life. This is not how I had hoped my life would be. And yet, even in that thought do I find conflict, realizing that maybe what I want really isn’t in some way what is best for me. Again, how do I come to accept this? When will God ever lay this upon my heart, if it is true?

Perhaps what I really need to do right now, more than anything, is to try to learn how to be better content with the present. God, I know I need your help though.

Not How I Want to Be

When I was in high school, I was becoming friends with another boy in one of my classes. We had been in the same grade all throughout high school, but we had just never really been around each other until the latter half of our senior year. We sat next to each other, talked during free time in class, worked together on group assignments, and even had lunch together. I really liked him.

About a week after graduation, I was in a local store and saw him coming near me. He smiled and waved at me. I looked away and turned down the nearest aisle I could. I still managed to see his smile fade away though, and a look of total confusion and disappointment come over him. I just kept on walking away, trying to get as far from him as I could.

I’ve never seen nor spoken to him since then.

I feel an incredible amount of guilt and shame for what I did. I didn’t mean to be unkind, or to turn away from him as I did; I was just so nervous and shy about being around people at that time in my life. But I know I hurt him, and I wish so much I could take that back.

A few years ago, I had some time off during the summer and I decided to read through the Harry Potter series. I was so entrenched; I literally spent hours every day reading those books. Much of that time was spent reading outside on the porch. That’s something I’ve always loved to do—reading outdoors.

There were a few different times when my grandma would cross the road to work in the garden her and my parents had planted beside the house. I noticed her, but I really don’t think she ever noticed me. And I didn’t call out to her or say anything to her, mostly because I just wanted to keep on reading and didn’t want to be interrupted or bothered by her.

Now that my grandma is dead, this is one of the biggest regrets of my life. I wish so much I could go back and talk to her during those times, and every other chance I could have but didn’t. I miss her so much now that every little event like that stings a thousand times more in my memory than virtually any other hurt I’ve ever faced.

I am so full of regrets like that. I can look back and see how horribly I mismanaged so many things in my life. I can see how much I’ve hurt other people or made decisions that hurt me.

I’m reminded of the fifth Star Trek movie. In that movie, a very charismatic Vulcan travels around offering to take away the pain in people’s lives. He removes the guilt or shame or regret they’ve accumulated, freeing them in a sense, and giving them some degree of peace. Captain Kirk, however, refuses to allow this Vulcan to take away his pain. He tells him he needs his pain; that it’s a part of what makes him who he is.

Even though I agree that one’s past can shape who they are, and I know my past, and the pains within it, has certainly shaped my life, I do wish a great many things had been different.

If I could go back, I’d have befriended everyone I could, and tried as hard as I could to get over my shyness earlier on. I’d have spent more time with my grandma. I would have stayed in school, rather than dropping out for many years. I would never have had sex with that other boy when I was 11 years old, and definitely wouldn’t have continued being sexually active with him in the way we were for so long. I’d have tried harder to trust and forgive others, too.

And there have been other things that have caused me much pain over the years as well; something someone said, an unkind deed, a fear of the unknown, a worry that I’ve displeased God…

I know I am who I am, in part, because of all my life’s experiences—both the good and the bad. I am glad there is at least one person who never holds the bad against me though. I am glad to have a Savior who looks past that, brushes it aside, and sees me for what I wish to be, and what I could be.

My past still hurts me often though. I guess it’s just hard for me to forgive myself, or to accept the forgiveness of others, or to completely move on when so many of the consequences of my past actions still come back to haunt me. This is just one of the many consequences of sin.

I feel bad too much of the time. I know there are people who would say I’m just thinking too much about myself, or being selfish, or something along those lines. Maybe they’re right, at least to some degree. But even when I’m around others, focusing on others, trying to help others, I don’t feel good about me. I don’t like where I’m at in life. I don’t like the course I’m on, and I just feel as though I’m wasting so much time. I can’t figure out how to move forward though, and it just makes me feel so stuck. I know where I’d like to be, how I’d like to be, what I’d like to be, but all of it just seems light years away.

Gay in Russia

Apparently, Russia has decided to get tough on homosexuals, passing laws and regulations designed to harass, discriminate, and essentially keep homosexuals in the closet and on the fringe of society.

I thought the world—especially countries that claim to be developed and civilized at this point, like Russia—had moved beyond some of this crap. I guess not.

So, I came across the following video the other day. It shows a fifteen year old gay teen boy being lured into entrapment by a group of people who claim to want to help him, but who obviously only really want to embarrass, harass, and torment him. Watch it for yourself. Then read my thoughts on it.



Okay, so first off, I think the people who tricked this kid are monsters. Even though they claimed to want to help him, they certainly seemed bent on wanting to belittle and harass him more than anything else—they wouldn’t let him leave, they got right in his face, they threatened him with violence and were somewhat violent, and they told him they were going to tell everyone at his school and on Facebook what he’d done. In my opinion, these people were nothing more than violent and heartless—as I already said: monsters.

As for the kid, I think he was most likely gay, even though he claimed not to be. I mean, if I was ambushed in such a way I’d probably claim not to be gay as well. I do think it was a bad idea for him to try meeting up with a stranger for paid sex. Although, in a culture that treats homosexuals with such contempt, this may have been the only way this young kid believed he could actually meet up with other gay people. So, I can, without excusing his behavior, at the very least have an honest understanding about it. There again, maybe he just really needed the money. Regardless of his reasons for being there, he did not deserve to be treated the way he was. He was just fifteen years old. More than likely he really hadn’t been in such activities before or even really been involved in any capacity with other guys before. His parents and friends didn’t know he was gay. He was scared. I mean, what part of what these other people did to him did they think was legitimately helping him? If anything, this particular experience will probably only cause him to have problems—emotional and otherwise.

I pray that he will be okay.

Human rights have never been anything strong in Russia. Throughout communist rule, in particular, there were many people abused on a systematic and frequent basis. The current president of Russia, Vladimir Putin, seems pretty determined on reverting back to the old ways, and his policies have achieved that in many regards. I wish the people of Russia would realize what harm they’re doing and would change some of their attitudes and laws.

I’ve had people mistreat me for being gay before. Most of those people didn’t even know for sure, but only perceived that I was gay. I’ve been called names and been threatened with violence.  I’ve had people completely turn away from me because they either knew or thought I was gay. It sucks to be treated like that. It sucks to be treated like a lesser person, of little or no value, simply because of something about me that I never asked for, didn’t want, and couldn’t change.

I don’t understand why people can’t just leave others alone. Why do they feel that they have to interfere in the lives of everybody else; condemning, belittling, and judging people as though they are somehow flawless themselves?

There are two things I think everyone should keep in mind. The first to the love their neighbors as themselves, and the second is to worry less about the speck in everyone else’s eyes while they have planks in their own. The world would certainly be a far better place if more people would adhere to these two things, or to at the very least attempt to live by them.

I am a gay man. Some people may not like that about me, some people may not want to accept that about me, some people may not want to hear it or know it at all, and may want to treat me like total crap because of it, but it is a part of who I am. It just is what it is, and it’s not anything that I, or anyone else, should be mistreated for. When people do act that way, I try not to let it get me down. I know in my heart that I am who I am, that I do have value and worth, and that even despite all my flaws, God does want and love me. No words or actions on the part of anyone else can ever take that away from me.

I hope and pray that the kid in this video can come to a similar understanding and won’t let what happened to him get him down.

Born Again

I really like this song.  It is a good reminder that, in Christ, we are made anew.

Domino Effect

After the recent Supreme Court rulings concerning gay marriage, you can rest assured that gay marriage is coming to the whole land and that equal protection under the law will ensue. I think this is a really good thing, a wrong that has finally been righted, and I rejoice because of it.

I don’t think it really matters what I think, or what anyone else thinks, when it comes to the individual life choices of each person. Each person must live and die according to his or her own beliefs, and in this country, we have traditionally allowed for such a thing in most regards. However, we have tended to reach a bit too far into the bedroom, when really we should simply mind our own business and allow people the freedom to live as they choose—so long as they aren’t hurting others in the process.

From a legal perspective, I see nothing wrong whatsoever with allowing gay couples the right to marry. And I say this because, legally speaking, marriage is not defined by the same standards as Christian (or any other religious) marriage. We do allow secular marriages each and every day in this country. A man can fly to Vegas overnight, get drunk, marry the first hooker that walks by him, and be divorced the following afternoon. Was it right? No, but we have allowed that sort of thing for decades now.

We have allowed secular marriages to take place. We have allowed people to marry and divorce upon their whims, and haven’t gotten in the way. We have done this for heterosexual couples. However, when it comes to homosexual couples, we as a society, for the most part, have not legally recognized their unions. We have not permitted them to marry. We have not allowed them the freedom to decide upon what sort of unions they enter into, and have not granted them the same rights as we have heterosexual couples. My question is why? If a gay couple wants to be married is this really so wrong (outside of a religious context)? Keep in mind that marriage, as it has already been defined on the books in most of this country, is not singularly allowed with only religious implications in mind; we do have secular marriages and have for pretty much our entire existence. This being the case, why not allow the marriage of homosexual couples? Why not grant them the same rights and privileges as heterosexual couples? By not allowing these things, you are legally discriminating. You are purposefully acknowledging that one union is not as good as another, and this forces those who may disagree with you to live by your personal beliefs, rather than their own. And what gives anyone the right to force their beliefs on such a matter onto others?

Whether I agree with gay marriage or not, I do not think I have any right to force my beliefs onto others. I don’t have a right to prevent people from marrying, nor do I have a right to force anyone to marry.

I keep in mind the golden rule when thinking about this: “do unto others as you would have done unto you.” I would not want anyone telling me I could not marry the person I love, or that I could not get the same sort of benefits as other married couples just because they don’t like my choice of partners. So, I will not tell anyone else they cannot marry the person they love, or cannot have the same benefits granted to everybody else. Instead, I will allow them the freedom to make their own choices, and grant them the same privileges as everybody else.

In doing so, it doesn’t mean that I am going against the church, or turning my back on traditional marriage, or anything like that. It just means that I think it is right to allow others to make up their own minds and to live according to their own beliefs, without me shoving my own beliefs down their throats and forcing them to live in a way that isn’t right for them.

Change

Anyone who knows me well would probably say that I don’t handle change very well. I like getting into a routine and knowing what to expect. I feel a sort of comfort from this. That doesn’t mean, however, that I don’t enjoy a little spontaneity every once in a while or that I can’t recognize when change must happen, or that I’m completely against anything ever changing. It just means that I don’t tend to like life changing surprises, especially if I’m ill prepared for them, in disagreement of their effects, if it means I have to completely readjust or rethink my plans in life, or if I have to give up some greater level of control over my life.

Having said all of this, I will now say something that will sound completely contradictory. For quite some time now I have been earnestly trying to allow God to lead me in my life. I think if one is truly going to call Jesus the Lord of their life, then this must happen. Naturally, though, this means that I am not going to be the one planning a good part of my life, but rather having it planned and directed for me by God, and interjected by many, many possible changes—and God has certainly thrown me some curveballs to have to deal with.

When change is introduced in one’s life, it is easy to worry. I try not to worry though, desperately recognizing the truths that it cannot add even a second to my life and is nothing more than a chasing after the wind, meaningless. Keeping this in mind has certainly helped me to accept and look for the good in any changes that have taken place in my life though, and to not be so completely against them.

Something I’ve thought a lot about the last few weeks, considering the closing of Exodus International, is exactly what sort of help and/or change Exodus actually brought about in me. I believe I was genuinely helped by them, and because of their help, certain things have definitely changed in me. It was not help through reparative therapy, though, but by the hope of it, and mostly by their simply reaching out to me in kindness and understanding at a time when I really needed someone to.

I didn’t want to be gay. This thought dominated me from the first moment I realized I was attracted to other men. I thought my parents and other family members would reject me, I thought friends would reject me, and I thought God would reject me. I didn’t want to be rejected by anyone for this reason. I was though. And I did have a certain level of self-hatred because of it. I was different and I didn’t want to be. I felt inferior, like I was broken in comparison to other guys. All of this was because I was gay, and I thought that if I could just not be gay, everything would be better.

I prayed for God to change me, to help me, more times than I can even remember.

When I sought out help from Exodus, I literally had no place else I felt like I could turn to. I don’t exaggerate when I say that. They were the only refuge I could find to help me in any way regarding my struggles (and believe me, I tried). I felt like they understood me. They welcomed me. They told me I could change, but to focus first and foremost on my relationship with God.

I should clarify something here. I said “they” told me, but what I should have said more specifically was that my counselor, Paul, was the one mostly telling me this. He was one of only about a handful of contacts I ever made through Exodus, but was my primary contact above all others. Paul helped me the most. He listened, comforted me, gave solid Christian advice, encouraged me, and prayed for me—he is one of the kindest and Godliest men I have ever known, and there is nearly nothing I can think of by looking back that I can say he was wrong about. He just wanted to help, and I think he knew how much I needed it.

Even though Paul did believe it was possible for me to change my sexual orientation, he never pushed that. He always tried far more to encourage me to build my relationships with others, to develop and work on some goals in life, and to grow stronger in my faith (he looked beyond my sexual orientation). If anyone ever pushed orientation change, it was me. After all, I was the one who wanted it, and wrongfully thought that a lot of my life’s problems would go away if I could just change.

After many years of trying, I realized the change I wanted wasn’t happening. I admit that I got far too tired of trying, but more importantly, it no longer made sense to me to try. I no longer believed I should try. This isn’t to suggest, however, that certain positive changes weren’t taking place during that time though. They were. It’s just that my sexual orientation wasn’t one of them. And in some ways, I realize that this may be for the best.

I believe the world needs gay Christians—people who can help build a bridge between the church and individuals who have all too often felt completely excluded or pushed away from her. Having a foot in both worlds, I can certainly help to build that bridge. Furthermore, I recognize that trying to change my sexuality just isn’t worth my time when I think about all the greater things I could be doing with it; not just for myself, but for God and others as well. I’ve realized that in some ways, it is definitely better to simply accept my sexuality for what it is, rather than to focus so much time worrying about it. That, in itself, has been a tremendous change for me.

Looking back, I can say I have changed or developed many beliefs over the years, either entirely or in part. For one, I don’t think I care nearly so much about what others think or believe as I used to. And this is good because it means I can just be myself and not be so hurt by the action or inaction of others. Secondly, I’m not so quick to act upon the advice or thoughts of others without first doing a whole heap of thinking on my own. Keeping an open mind and being willing to listen to the thoughts and ideas of others certainly can go a long way. Thirdly, I have decided that at least some people in this world really are worth knowing and I should try harder to get to know them. Fourthly, I’ve realized that worrying gets me nowhere, even if I still find this a hard habit to break at times. Fifthly, I know God doesn’t hold anything against me for being gay, which is a huge load of relief. Sixthly, hope is incredibly important, but no less than faith and reason. Seventhly, it is good to be humble and to admit my weaknesses. Eighthly, not everybody is going to like me, but that doesn’t mean I shouldn’t still try to like and be nice to them. Ninthly, it’s good to have goals and dreams in life, just so long as I don’t forget to live a little in between the planning, working, and (hopeful) eventual achievement of said goals and dreams. Tenthly, it’s better to think positive and look for the good in every situation, and in every person, than to think the worst. And the most important is to hold onto God no matter what, trusting Him in all things. I say this because He’s the only person I’ve ever known to be with me completely through thick and thin. He has done so much for me. Without him, I’d be lost. I also say to trust Him in all things because only He can ever truly know what is best for us.

When I think of change, I recognize it as something that can be good or bad, expected or unexpected, wanted or unwanted, but something that does happen for each and every one of us. It is unavoidable. And we can either make the best of it, or the worst of it.

For many years, Exodus’ slogan was “change is possible”. I know many people never felt that they actually helped to change anything for them, but for me, they did. They may not have helped me to change my sexuality, but they were a part of many other changes, which have certainly done me and others a great deal of good. There is no doubt in my mind that God did in fact use them to help me as I’d pleaded so often for Him to do. And for that, I am eternally grateful.

With all of this in mind, I say to be hopeful, to trust God, to follow God, to look for the good in all things, and to try your best not to worry. And do not be troubled in whatever changes come your way.

This, at least, is what I am going to try my best to do.

Gabriel Tells It Like It Is

http://mudbloodcatholic.blogspot.com/2013/07/why-not-ex-gay-part-iii-if-its-broke.html

There’s “no bloody point”. That’s for sure. There is no reason in the world for anyone to feel bad about being gay. And there is absolutely no reason in the world to try changing your sexual orientation. Just let it be what it is, don’t worry about it, and don’t let it get you down.

Go back five or ten years ago and it would have been unthinkable for me to believe these things. But with many years under my belt, many years of trying to change my sexual orientation, and much knowledge gained throughout that time, I can say that this is absolutely true.

God may not have meant for anyone to be gay. I don’t know that. For all I know, maybe he did. But what I do know is that a person’s sexual orientation, or their sexual attractions, does not matter in the least little bit. It’s what you do with those attractions that can make a difference.

If you believe homosexual sexual experiences are sinful, in conjunction with traditional Christian thought and teaching, then you should abstain from them, lest you be in sin. If you do not believe they are sinful, contrary to traditional Christian thought and teaching, then let your conscience be your guide (that means that maybe you are sinning, but that depends on what is undeniable truth, something that none of us might ever know beyond any shadow of a doubt in this lifetime, and which could go either way according to our understanding of the truth and upon how we are judged).

I have reasons to believe homosexual sexual experiences are sinful and reasons to believe that they are not. I’m not one-hundred percent sure what is the truth. Certain things, I believe, may not be entirely accurate or as well thought through as they should have been concerning traditional teachings. However, certain other things concerning traditional teachings do hold some weight for me. I can see how perhaps God did not intend for anyone to be gay (at least in the beginning) and how there is an element to heterosexual sexual experiences (through marriage) being of a greater design, at least in regards to being able to produce something totally new through the union of such a couple. However, I can also see how certain authors of the bible and others throughout Christian past might have based their beliefs against homosexuality on certain untruths—probably unintentionally, but perhaps also out of certain cultural biases or misunderstandings at the time in which they lived. I can also see how biblical teaching may have been misunderstood throughout the years through varying translations and the like of the original texts.

Something I’ve learned is that throughout Christianity, there are people (both gay and straight) who have believed differently on this matter. Some people believe traditional teaching is truth, therefore making homosexual experiences sinful, while others believe traditional teaching is wrong, making homosexual experiences okay. Perhaps anything anyone can ever really do to know which stance to take on this matter is to allow the Holy Spirit to influence them, and to dictate their beliefs and actions upon that influence.

But, again, I say there is no reason in the world to worry about what your sexual orientation might be. If you are gay, so what? You’re not sinning just by being gay, or by having sexual attractions or desires for those of the same sex. Depending on your beliefs, you’re only completely natural, or you’re just being tempted. That is all—so long as we’re only talking about attractions and desires, rather than actions taken upon them.

Please read Gabriel’s article about this (the link above). He is a very wise old friend of mine and he can write about these things so much better than I can.

I know what I’m saying may be very difficult for some people reading this to accept. I’ve been there and done that. As I said, go back just a few years ago and I’d have not believed this at all. I was so convinced that I was just some sort of freak that I couldn’t see the truth. I couldn’t see how much love God really has for me, or how little one’s sexual orientation really does matter in the grand scheme of things. I’m not asking you to trust me about this though. I’m just asking that you keep an open mind and try not to hold something that you may dislike about yourself over your head. Don’t let it ruin your self-esteem. Don’t let it destroy your value as a human being. And don’t ever allow anyone else to do those things to you either—whether concerning your sexuality or anything else about you.

If You Could Read My Mind

I love this song.  It's so soothing, peaceful, and just overall beautiful--even if it is about a failed relationship.

Not Too Well

I’m not sure what it is, but the last couple of days I really haven’t felt very well. I’ve felt down, or depressed. This happens to me every once in a while and thankfully it has been a while now since the last time. But it seems to have landed squarely on me yet again.

I’m feeling a lot of pressure. I need a job (and there are a few I’m trying for--please pray for me about this), I have many family members needing my help, I have several projects of my own I’d like to finish but never seem to get enough time to finish them, and there are many decisions I’m just having to make very quickly. I feel tired, and to a very large extent, I just wish everyone around me would back off some.

On top of all this, I really wish I could find a boyfriend. I’m getting older and I know the older a person gets the harder this sort of thing usually becomes. That aside, I’m just ready for that sort of thing. I mean, I could spend my whole life alone and probably be content enough, but I would like to find someone who I truly could spend my life with and be happy together. I don’t think I want to be alone, content or not.

I wrote a post a couple of weeks ago, mostly dealing with changes in one’s life and trying not to worry. I haven’t posted it yet, because since writing it, I seem to have worried quite a lot about a lot of things, even though I’ve been trying really hard not to. I probably will still post it eventually, but I might need to rework it some first.

You know, I really don’t like a lot about my life. It’s not that things are really bad. It’s just that I’m tired of the way a lot of things have been. I want to have a better job, I want to be out on my own, I want my parents to actually give a darn and “parent” me when I need them to and to get out of my way when I need to take the lead myself, I wish I didn’t have to worry so much about money, and I wish… I just wish I didn’t feel quite so stuck feeling all the time. I feel like I can’t be who I want to be—in virtually any regard—and I’m so sick of that feeling.

I’m sure I’m just whining, and probably no one really wants to hear or read any of this. I guess I just need to vent a little and this forum seems to be a great refuge at the moment.