You're All I've Ever Wanted

Me: (Curious and hopeful) Jesus, do you love me?

Jesus: You know that I love you. I died for you, accepting a punishment you were meant to receive, all because of my love for you.

Me: But do you accept me? Do you really want to know me, or spend time with me? Seems sometimes like no one else does. And I'm afraid of what they think of me.

Jesus: When I received your punishment, I did that so we could spend all eternity with each other. Yes, Brandon, I want to know you. I want to be your best friend. I love you beyond words. As for others, don't worry so much about what they think.

Me: (Humbled, broken, crying, happy) Will you always be with me? Even when everything is so terrible and I can't seem to find you, and there's no one else?

Jesus: I'll always be with you. I'll never abandon you.

Me: (Hesitant) Sometimes... I just really do feel as though I'm not as good as other guys, like I'm not good enough. I feel so inadequate compared to them. I think that's one reason why I'm drawn to them. And I just feel so lonely so much of the time. People have told me you'll satisfy those feelings in me, but I'm not sure how you can do that. I'm not sure I can trust you to do that.

Jesus: I'll fill your heart, Brandon. I'll fill your spirit so full of hope and love and warmth that all those feelings of inadequacies and loneliness will fade away and become just a distant memory. But you'll have to trust you. I've never led you astray before, have I?

Me: No. But what about my past?

Jesus: I don't remember your past. Those things you did have been forgotten. And as for those hurts, I was always with you through those times, helping you through them. Even when you didn't think that I was. But it's not your past that I'm interested in. It's your future. I want you to be mine, and I want you to have a life and a future more glorious than you could ever imagine.

I know you want acceptance. I accept you, Brandon, with arms wide open. I love you eternally. Will you accept me and love me in the same way? Will you trust me? Will you be faithful to me, and give your life and everything about you to me, as I have given to you?

In one of my more recent posts I described what I wanted from another man. I want a man who will love me. I want a man who will accept me and want to spend time with me. I want a man who will take care of me, and who'll never leave me. I want a man who will help me and comfort me in all situations.

It occurred to me the other day that I already have a man like that in my life. Jesus loves me, unconditionally. He loves me so much He died for me, accepting a punishment upon Himself that only I should rightfully deserve. He accepts me as His own. He likes me for me. He wants to spend time with me—all eternity! He takes care of me in all situations. When I'm feeling bad or lonely He comforts me. When I need help He helps me. He's always there for me.

I think about times when I'm lonely. All I have to do is think of Jesus and I can feel His presence. I can feel Him sitting by my side, with His arm around my shoulder holding me near to Him. Days when I feel so far removed from other guys, when I just feel desperate for a hug or some sign of male affirmation, He is always the one who no matter what, comes to me and lets me know I belong. He tells me I'm good enough, that I'm not some sort of freak. He tells me that just because I'm not like other guys in some regards doesn't mean I'm something bad or that something's wrong with me. It just means I'm unique in my own ways, and He loves me regardless of those things. He accepts me. Those things don't turn Him away from me the way they have and sometimes do with other guys.

And I know that any tears in my eyes Jesus wipes away. There are times when I feel so low, when the whole world seems so heavy upon my shoulders, when I've cried until I can't cry anymore and feel so hopeless and empty inside, and Jesus always is the one who helps bring me out of that. He's always the one, who through His love for me, draws me out of those wretched places. He fills my heart and my soul with so much warmth and joy. It can actually make me feel giddy sometimes.

Jesus can provide everything I've ever wanted. He's the best companion I could ever hope to have. He loves me. He wants to spend time with me. When I'm lonely, I can talk with him, and He'll put his arm around my shoulder and hug me. He takes care of me and helps me through the difficult times. I don't need anyone else but Him. I only want Him. I realize no other man could ever possibly compare to Him. No other man could ever love me as much, or care for me as much, or do so much for me as He has.

These are new thoughts for me. I've often said some of these things before, but never because of this line of thinking or with having these sorts of feelings. I've spent years looking and hoping and searching for another man who'll love me. I've wanted so desperately to be held and to be taken care of. I've wanted a partner or companion with whom to share my life with. I've struggled terribly because I felt like I couldn't have that. And yet it's occurred to me that I could have had that all along. Jesus can be all that I've ever wanted. He can satisfy all of those desires.

My preacher in one of his latest sermons began talking about Adam and Eve and how the serpent had lied to Eve and confused her about God's commandments. While he was talking, I suddenly felt such a moment of great clarity. What if Eve was me and the forbidden fruit was a sexual relationship with another man? What if the serpent had said, “Surely there can be nothing wrong about that? Surely God is just withholding something good from you? Surely you will not suffer any negative consequences if you do that? Surely your love would make it okay? And then you'll know love as God knows love.”

I feel like I've been confused. I feel like somebody pulled the wool over my eyes and blinded me. All these years I've listened to the lies of Satan. I've listened to him tell me how great a thing a relationship with another guy can be, and how the Bible may not really say what so many claim it says. I've listened to him as He's accused God of being unfair to me and uncaring. I've believed those lies about myself—that I wasn't good enough, that I was different, that I was unlovable and that nobody cared about me. I let him convince me to be with another man. And then after all the negative consequences of that, I still listened and believed him when he told me I just had a bad experience and all I needed to do was find another man and that things would be better a second time around (or a third or a fourth or a fifth time). Well, I'm done with those lies. I don't need another man. I don't want another man. All I want is Jesus. I only want Him in my life. I only want what He tells me is good and true and worthwhile. And all the rest can just be thrown out with the trash. I'm done thinking of myself as a homosexual. I'm not going to think of myself in anyway regarding my sexuality. I'm a male, created in God's image, a beloved follower of His, a Christian, and that's that. Whatever I'm tempted to do sexually is not going to rule my life any longer.

And therein is a whole new struggle for myself. Actually, same struggle, but new outlook on it. If I'm going to commit myself to Christ, if He is going to be the only man in my life, then all the pornography, sexual activity, etc., has got to go and come to an end. Jesus asks no more from me in that regard than any other man would. So, if I'm going to be committed to Him, if I'm going to belong to Him, I can't very well be looking at other guys or doing things selfishly with my body. So those things will have to stop.

In a way, I could say that I'm married now, and Jesus is my husband. He may not physically be with me, but spiritually and emotionally He certainly is. He's in my heart. I love Him and I want to be completely committed to Him—only to Him. Like a woman waiting for her husband to come back from a distant land, I'm waiting patiently for Christ, my true love, to return for me someday. And I want to remain faithful to Him in all ways until that time.

I feel like I have what I've always wanted now.

Me: Jesus, thank you. Thank you for loving me. Thank you for wanting me. Thank you for absolutely everything. You're the best friend, the greatest love I could ever hope to have. You're everything I've ever wanted, and so much more than that.

Holding Onto the Past, and Moving Forward With God

I feel like I've been a fool here lately. I've thought very dumbly. To begin with, something I felt was a sin I asked others to convince me it wasn't. And sure enough, the result was that my mind got filled full of doubt and frustration and that distanced me from God. How stupid could I have been? Rather than ask others to convince me I'm wrong, I should have charged forward along this journey and asked God to lead me on the way. I'm really not one hundred percent certain homosexuality is completely wrong or sinful. I'll admit that. There are a lot of arguments out there that honestly do make me question if it might be okay for two men (or two women) to be with each other in a relationship. But the more I think about it, the more I know that would never work for me. My sinful nature keeps telling me I'd be so much happier being with another man. That little voice keeps telling me that I'd feel loved. It tells me I wouldn't feel lonely anymore. It tells me I'd feel better about myself and who I am. But the more I think about that the more I'm not so sure that'd be true. I might would feel more loved, but I realize even couples or married people can feel lonely and unlovable at times. And I know that what problems I have with myself nobody else can make me feel differently. This is something within me and the only way I'll feel better about myself or about who I am or how I am is to realize more fully how God feels about me. I have to change from within and not from without. All of those things I feel insecure about—my looks, mannerisms, the way I talk, what things I'm drawn to or tempted to do—are things that only God can give me peace or contentment or help with. No one else can do that. No other guy can do that. No boyfriend or romantic relationship could ever satisfy those wants and feelings within me. Only God can do that.

I think about that and my understanding of the bible, and I consider past homosexual experiences that never made me happy, and I realize living a homosexual lifestyle just isn't what God wants for me. My nature keeps telling me it is what I want, but God keeps telling me it isn't, that I shouldn't pursue it, that it won't make me happy. He keeps laying those feelings heavy on my heart.

I haven't been listening to God lately, or communicating to Him as I should have been. I know that's never a good thing, but I forget that at times. When things are going well I tend to forget about God. Then when things become bad it's hard for me to feel close to God and to reestablish a relationship with Him.

There are a lot of hurts I can't seem to let go of. I dwell on some of those hurts more often than I should. I try to push them to the back of my mind, but they keep coming forward. I remember times when other guys made fun of me and rejected me or wouldn't be friends with me. I remember times when my dad wouldn't have anything to do with me or abused me either physically or emotionally (and please don't think that my dad was a bad one. I know he did his best). I remember times when my brother wouldn't let me be his brother and made fun of me with his friends. I remember how frustrated and confused I was when I first started having sex with a younger friend when I was twelve. I remember times when I felt so lonely in school and no one would ever be my friend. I remember that week of fear at camp the summer before I started high school when some of the older guys made me take off my clothes down to my underwear, put a bra on me, and took pictures of me like that and mocked me. I remember all those times of depression when I cried until I couldn't cry anymore and felt so empty and alone and hurt that all I wanted to do was kill myself. I remember finally building up enough trust in my preacher to tell him about my struggles and asked for his help, and then he avoided me and made false accusations about me. And the list of hurts could go on and on.

I'm not mentioning these things in order to get anyone's sympathy. I mention these things because they're the things that's bothered me most. I've had a lot of trouble letting go of these hurts and moving on. And perhaps the reason that is, is because new and similar hurts keep coming up that remind me of these things. I keep trying to make friends with other guys and that's proved to be a somewhat difficult task for me. I keep going to church and trying to be more active there, but I know I can't be open with my preacher. I want to feel and be like straight guys, but every time I see a good looking guy and become aroused I'm reminded that I'm not. And that list of examples could go on and on as well.

It's hard for me to not look back. I know God wants me to let the past be what it was and to lay it aside and focus on the future instead, but sometimes that just seems so hard to do. I try to do that and then when new hurts arise and remind me of the past, I feel like God is breaking His promises. I feel it harder to trust Him when those new hurts come up. And then I feel alone. I'll admit I do have a bit of an independent streak. I like having those freedoms to not be tied down and to come and go as I wish. And I can embrace those feelings at times to the point where not even God can be let in. I push Him out. I feel hurt and betrayed and so I distance myself and take on a go-it-alone attitude. The last two or three years that's been one of the hardest things I've struggled with to keep myself from doing. I know life is going to have its ups and downs. There'll be good and bad. There'll be more hurts in the future. There's no escaping it. That's sadly the sort of world we live in. The important thing to remember is to always hold onto God whether times are good or bad. I have a tendency to forget that. And I have a tendency to forget my own responsibility in some of those bad times or hurts. I know that homosexual activity isn't good for me. It's never brought anything good into my life. But I continue to pursue it anyway. How crazy is that! When will I learn my lesson?

Maybe I should correct that last little bit somewhat. Because I've had homosexual feelings, I've been able to meet several wonderful and caring people. Some of you are those people. And I realize that if it wasn't for homosexuality, I'd probably have never met or known any of you. So, I suppose that's one good thing. Because of these struggles I've learned to be a little less judgmental of others. I've learned compassion and mercy and love for others. I want others to be treated by me the way I wish I'd have been treated more often by others. But really, that has nothing to do with homosexuality. That's what God has done for me. Without God I'd be a miserable, awful wretch of a person. I'd have no friends at all. I'd have nothing and be nothing and I'd be sinning nonstop. But with God, He helps me be a little less wretched and has certainly blessed me with more than I should ever deserve. Through my struggles, God has connected me with other people and worked through me to make me a better person. It's through His leading me that that's happened. I just need to let him lead me more. I have to trust Him and hold onto Him with everything I've got. He never lets go of me, so I should never let go of Him. I have to keep hoping.

Thanks everyone for your prayers. They've meant a lot. And in the future, please don't ever restrain speaking the truth to me.

Feelings

Sometimes I feel such a strong urge to want to be with another guy. The feeling just seems to consume me. I feel lonely or... well maybe not lonely, but something. I feel like I'm missing a part of me. I alluded to this in my last post. It's as if God took something out of me and there's a void or emptiness now. Maybe it is just loneliness.

Anyway, I had this feeling rather intensely the other day and I was wishing and wanting so much that I could have a boyfriend. Then a strange sort of feeling came over me. I suddenly thought it would be weird to be with another guy. Just out of nowhere this creepy sort of otherworldly feeling entered my mind. I thought about myself having a boyfriend and all the aspects of a relationship with him and suddenly the idea of all that seemed almost like a turn off. To be perfectly honest, this is a feeling that's come over me more and more frequently over the last couple of years. But I don't know that it ever seemed as strange as it did this last time.

I wonder if maybe it really, truly is possible for a person to change their sexual orientation. Especially when I have feelings such as these. I'll admit, the last time I looked at pornography I cleared my mind of any sexually exciting, lustful thoughts/energy/whatever and just really thought about what I was looking at. I saw two guys having sex and the image of that seemed so very odd. I then imagined the two men being straight, and I almost felt repulsed. I thought of guys I knew at work or church and attempted to imagine them kissing another guy or having sex or being in a relationship with another guy, and it just seemed unimaginable.

I've always had such a strong feeling that God never meant for two men (or two women) to be with each other sexually. I guess the mechanics of that act just never seemed to fit the whole creation story and particularly the primary purpose of sex for procreation. (And please don't think that by that statement I don't believe sex is also meant to be an expression of love. Just that without sex, there'd be no procreation or life giving, and so that would have to be its primary function, or else all life would cease to exist).

I think about being with another guy, and I feel like if I were with another guy, that part of me which I feel is missing would no longer be missing. But then I think about what it would actually mean to be with another guy, and I start having these strange feelings. Something about being with another guy just doesn't feel right. Even though most of the time it does. But on that same note, almost nothing about being with a woman feels right.

I wonder sometimes if all this has something to do with feeling less than masculine. I usually don't feel very masculine at all, even though I know I do have certain masculine traits or characteristics. But I also wonder if it's because I'm not fully being myself most of the time. Naturally I'm more feminine in a lot of ways than what I usually allow most people to see or know. I try to be more masculine than I feel I actually am. And the thing is, I think deep down I prefer the feminine me. I like the fact that my eyes have a sort of feminine look about them, the way they're shaped. I like that my smile often has a shy girls look to it. I like that I talk with my hands sometimes. I like that my voice isn't real deep. I like a lot of the sort of feminine characteristics that I have. I just wish sometimes that I could be my feminine self toward another guy. And then I think about what I'd like from another guy—what sort of relationship I'd like.

I want a guy who'll love me for me. I want a guy who considers me something special. I want a guy I can cook meals with and go places with. I want a guy I can hold hands with. I want a guy I can share the holidays and special occasions with. I want a guy who will take care of me and who I can take care of in return. I want a guy who will hold me and love me and think I'm the best thing since sliced bread, and who I'll feel the same about.

I want kids, but I know no other guy can ever give me that. Nor could I do that for another guy. As much as mankind likes to play God, we humans still haven't found the way for two men to procreate. I'd have to be with a woman in order to have kids of my own. But I don't think I could ever be with a woman. Seems like the older I get the less likely that seems. God may have a surprise in store for me yet, but for now, I just don't see that ever happening. Maybe I'm too womanly myself to ever be with a woman. But there again, I don't think a woman could satisfy that void-like feeling within me.

Like I said in my last post, God please just take this feeling and do something with it. It's just annoying the heck out of me. I want something and that something seems to be a relationship with another guy, but when I actually consider pursuing that, something about it starts feeling wrong or unusual. Maybe I just can't escape the fact that I believe homosexual relationships are sinful, and that God wouldn't approve. Maybe I just need to accept this and accept being celibate and move forward along that path. Maybe that void will be filled by greater friendships or even by God himself. However it's filled, I just wish it would happen already, and in a more positive way than I've come up with myself.

~ ~ ~

And now on a whole separate subject, I was informed today that a friend of mine from high school, who I hadn't seen in a few years now, passed away last night. It's suspected he had a heart attack. To the best of my knowledge, this was the first person from my class who has died.

My preacher says from time to time that we are all just a heartbeat away from death. Well, I suppose that's true. It shocks me sometimes to realize just how fragile life really is. And I'll admit, sometimes the prospect of death scares me a little. I wonder if I've been faithful enough, or if I've truly had the right sort of relationship with Christ to be able to go to heaven. I think I have, but I guess sometimes I have my doubts. I get to feeling so far away from Christ sometimes that it makes me wonder whether or not He's still walking by my side, or if He's abandoned me. So far, He keeps pulling me back to Him. As a friend of mine recently put it, “I cannot see without Him as my eyes, or breath without Him as my lungs”. I like that. I can't escape Him and I'm glad for that. He never leaves me.

But I'm saddened that this old friend died. I'd just recently read about him in the local paper. He was involved with the direction of a play in the local theatre, and seemed to be really making a name for himself. I hate that he had to die so young in life. But I'm glad at the same time because I honestly do think he's in that better place now. He now has the rest of eternity before him, with Christ standing by his side.

I feel like I just have to trust God. I have to or I'll go crazy. If I trust God and allow Him to take me where He wishes and lead me in all things, that's the only way I'll ever be happy. And I guess I need to stop worrying so much. My counselor recently told me he felt I was thinking too much about the future and worrying about what might be or what could happen, living in fear of those things, rather than focusing on the moment at hand. I think he's right. I worry too much about being alone, about how my future will turn out, about what career to pursue or what direction I should be taking, and about dying before I've accomplished this or that, and there's just nothing good at all about worrying about any of it. All it does, thinking about those things, is drag me down. I suppose that's exactly what the devil wants of me.

I think I just want a change. I want something different and new and exciting.

Maybe I just need to pull my head out of my a**.

Still Searching For Something

I find you watching me in that dull, dark place, behind closed doors.

I struggle to refrain as I see your loving face, so gentle so kind.

You whisper for me to put aside those lesser things.

I continue anyway.

I feel you breathing upon me, as I myself begin breathing more heavily.

I resist your nudging, urging me, pulling me away.

I continue viewing.

Those other bodies draw me in—my insatiable appetite never fulfills.

My pulse increases as my desires consume me.

I block you out of my mind completely; I force you away.

I remain in that dark, secret place.

When I've finally gone for as long as I can, to a point of shear exhaustion, I tire of my lusting.

I collapse in my own heat and sweat and begin wondering what it was all for.

Why did I block you out? Why did I view those things?

For what happiness does it ever bring me?

Oh, why didn't I listen to you, my friend, my brother, my Lord, my Savior, my everything?

Why couldn't I stop myself?

Why do these desires so utterly, entirely, so forcefully, envelop me?

I think of my own weaknesses, insecurities and struggles.

I see myself loveless, inadequate, guilt-ridden, and lonely.

I pray for forgiveness, but I feel that you've left me.

I keep expecting you to eventually forever forsake me.

But then I feel a hint of your love and my hope is renewed.

You raise my chin and tell me, “It's okay, my child.

I love you beyond words. I forgive you unconditionally.

Don't wallow in your self-pity any longer.

Fight it, resist it, you're my joy and my heritage.

I'll never forsake you or leave you to this.”

I go two days happy, maybe three at the most,

full of hope and new joy—a new commitment fills my soul and my mind.

I feel as though I'm floating above cloud nine, itself.

But then something happens.

I break and fall dangerously back downwards to earth.

And the longer I fall, the more I don't seem to care.

I close the door behind me once more, to secure my seclusion.

I power up the source and search wildly and endlessly,

craving something so badly I can't ever seem to behold.

I remember past lessons and attempt to go to Thee.

For I'm told you're the only one who could ever satisfy me so wholly.

But that doesn't seem to work. I can't make it work. Nothing seems to change.

And then I feel like I'm about to explode or go crazy,

so I run away from you madly, intently.

I come full circle again, back to my medication, my drug,

my quick fix to take care of that wanting so badly,

that which I know I cannot have.

Then the confusion sets in and my mind becomes hazy,

as the thoughts begin swirling about me.

I want something more, but I'm not sure what I want more.

Can't I have both? No, I don't think so. You tell me I can't.

But for how long should I struggle? For what answers will you give me?

What relief will befall me?

I want your love, but I want to be held.

I want someone to touch and to be with. I want companionship with someone.

And as much as I'm told that you'll fill that empty void, you seem to rarely come through.

Your love means so much to me, and I'll always choose you—at least in the end.

I know I can't escape you, no matter what I do.

You always bring me back to you.

But the other seems to always brings me back to it, too.

There's just no escape from either, no relief whatever I do.

Where is my other? Where is that special someone for me?

And if not he than she? Does this other person exist?

Do you have someone else for me?

When you took the rib from my body, did you create me a helper?

Did you make me a partner, a soul mate, a best friend and true love?

Or was it to no use?

Please tell me I'm not destined to be alone.

Don't leave me behind those closed doors, chasing shadows of strangers,

knowing those shadows aren't mine, and that I shouldn't be looking—

it's a poor substitute for something so much grander.

And it's that grander fulfillment I truly wish to require.

Please don't let this dream die.

I think I'd rather stay stuck in this cycle forever with what little hope I have left,

than to break free just a shell and all empty inside.

Something seems to be missing, Lord.

Something seems to be missing and you know I'm just trying to find it.

I'm just trying to find it. And the way I'm feeling right now, you know “it” is he.

If he's out there, lead me to him. If he's not, lead me away.

But lead me to someone or something, oh Lord,

because I'm so very tired of being locked behind these closed doors,

far away in that dark, drab place,

searching endlessly, desperately for what seems like will be forever in vain.

And I don't want to remain here forever, but I admit,

even forever right here, seems better than nothing or never—it's the next closest thing.

Perhaps what I really am after is a better me?

But whatever “it” is, please lead me to it.

Please satisfy this desire some way as only you can, Lord.

Please just take this feeling and do something with it.

April 25, 2008 is Day of Silence

I've never participated in the day of silence. When I was in school that was something that just wasn't ever observed. Living in a very conservative, rural part of the country, open homosexuality, particularly at a young age, just isn't too often heard of. But, even if the day of silence had been observed at school, I do not think I would have cared to join in.

I respect the mission and purpose for having a day of silence in schools. It's a good thing to bring to attention the need to eliminate hate and intolerance and prejudice. However, this particular method of bringing attention to these problems, in my opinion, is slightly misguided.

When I hear silence is to be observed, the first thing that comes to my mind is intolerance and closed-mindedness. To be silent and not speak to those who disagree with you shows a certain level of intolerance in itself for what anyone else would have to say or think. It's like you're being intolerant because you don't like it when other people are being intolerant of you. It just seems hypocritical to me.

Now, I'm not going to promote Exodus' day of truth, because I've never participated in that either, but the idea of it seems more to my liking. Reason being, there's room for discussion. It's a day designed for the same purposes in mind as the day of silence, but it's a day wherein people can openly discuss their thoughts and opinions and, to my mind, be more tolerant.

I think that's what we need more of these days. We need more tolerance for others. We need more openness. We need more discussion. We need more debate. We need a day where people can talk to each other and learn to build more positive and tolerant lines of communication with each other. I think our young people need this in particular these days. They need to be taught these things, and to know that school is a safe place for them and not some dangerous battleground.

I'd personally like to think that I'm an open-minded person. When people have a difference of opinion than me, I'm willing, and often eager, to hear them out. Reason being, I like knowing what the opposition thinks. And the reason for that is that I like to be challenged in my thinking. I'll admit I like to be right. But, I'll also admit, I'm often wrong about a lot of things. So, if I listen to others and they present new arguments or opinions I've never heard about before, and they make sense, I realize I might learn I've had the wrong ideas about certain things and will therefore change my opinion.

Point in case, in my last post I talked about Jason debating me on hate crimes legislation for homosexuals. I was once strongly opposed to the idea of that, but because of those conversations I had with Jason, he convinced me there's a need for such legislation (so long as it's actually hate crimes legislation and not thought control legislation—there is a difference there). Now, I know some of our debates got a little heated from time to time, but I always respected Jason and was eager to hear from him, even though we disagreed on certain matters. But the point is that we learned from each other. I learned from him, and I hope he learned from me. And we didn't do that by being silent, or refusing to listen to each other or by trying to silence each other. We talked and listened to each other, presented our arguments, and respected each other in the process. I never felt threatened by him and he never felt threatened by me. We were just two people discussing our differing opinions in a civilized, tolerant way.

There doesn't need to be silence. If anything, there should be more discussion. Rather than a day of silence, I'd rather see a day of discussion, when students can discuss their thoughts and feelings and (hopefully) in a safe environment. I just think to be silent is an expression of intolerance. So this day of silence, I say don't be silent, be vocal. Speak up and get people talking about these issues. Speak up and express yourself. Speak up and make a difference. And remember to listen while others say their peace as well. Be tolerant and open-minded and you may surprise yourself by learning a little bit of something you didn't know before.

Now, I'm not saying I'm opposed to the day of silence. I think overall it is a very good thing, and I have no doubt that it's probably helped a whole lot of people. The issue I have with it is the silence. It's the approach I dislike. The reason people tend to feel hatred or prejudice toward others is because they don't really know or understand those who are different from them. They're afraid of the unknown. And so, to talk to them, to attempt to share your beliefs, and to treat them better than they've treated you, to be a friend to them, I think is the better way to go. Don't respond to hatred with silence. Respond to hatred with love and respect and understanding. Yes, understanding. Learn to know that other person, and when you know why they think as they do, then you're better able to reach them to know and understand you in return. And those fears and walls of hatred get torn down.

It's Been One Year Blogging (Or: Post One)

Like with the very first post on this blog, this was not what I'd initially had in mind to write about. What I'd considered was a follow up to that first post. I thought I'd remind people that there are still some very sad and serious problems going on in our country and in the world today. But, I thought I'd save that for another time. Yes, there are many things wrong in the world today, but there are many wonderful and joyous things as well. This blog has been one of those things for me. So, I decided to describe how this blog came about and to also share with all of you what was originally intended to be the very first post on this blog.

Here's how it came about. Last year I met a guy online named Jason Huck. Some of you may know of him. He usually comments on certain other blogs. The two of us began writing back and forth to each other through email, essentially debating the policies of Exodus International, and giving our own viewpoints on matters concerning homosexuality. To tell you the truth, I think I may have honestly annoyed the heck out of him. I was just so desperate for answers and I really did want to hear what he had to say. I liked writing to him because he challenged me. He made me think about where I stand on certain issues. And if he happens to read this, I want him to know that he did help to change my mind concerning hate crimes legislation for homosexuals. I'm on board with that now. Reason being, if it's okay to have such legislation for Christians, it has to be okay to have it for homosexuals as well—as for any group that can be discriminated against or abused out of hate or prejudice. But it was Jason who pointed out to me Jay's blog “Adventures Of A Christian Collegian”. I had never known such blogs as his were even in existence until that time, and after reading several posts by Jay, and reviewing some of the blogs linked from his, I quickly became hooked. I wanted to join in on this little online blogging community. I wanted to share my thoughts and to read what others had to say. I wanted to be able to express openly what things I struggle with and to have others to talk to about those things. So, I started this blog.

The following was meant to be the first post on this blog. A school shooting at Virginia Tech made me reconsider publishing it at the time though, and so it got put on the shelf until now. Feeling saddened by those tragic events, I decided to instead evaluate how far our country and culture seem to have declined morally in recent years. I summarized an email I'd read, which to my mind proved some very concrete reasons for why our nation seems to be slipping so far away from God. I was looking for something that could explain why anyone would go into a school and begin shooting and killing innocent people like that. As I already mentioned, my initial intent for this post was to do a follow up of that first one. But I came to the conclusion that that first post still stands on its own. There's very little a follow up could add that isn't already made clear.

So, without further ado, here is the originally intended first entry for this blog.

Hi everyone. I suppose I should start things off by explaining the name of my blog. The last couple of years I have been on what I'd like to call a whirlwind journey. I've been on a journey of self-discovery, which began in May of 2005, when my brother told me, “I found what you have in your closet.” To which, I knew he'd found out my deepest, darkest secret. It was the secret I had hid from everyone in my life, that I had spent so much time covering up, lying and pretending, in order to keep. He knew I was gay.

I felt crushed, panicked, afraid, ashamed, humiliated, and angry all at the same time. How could my brother have invaded my privacy like that? How could he have gone behind my back like that? How could he presume to bring up something he had no right to bring up? What right did he have!? Who was he to “out” me like that?

Up until then, no one on this entire planet knew that I struggled with my sexuality. I had never come out to anyone. I had never hinted to anyone. I'd simply kept this struggle to myself. I'd bottled up years worth of feelings and emotions, and I'd thrown away the key to my heart. Very few people have ever truly gotten to know me. There are so many whom I've pushed away or distanced myself from throughout the years, just out of fear that they may suspect me of being gay. I'd learned never to open up to people.

After my brother found out I was gay (which I suppose I should explain the whole closet thing—no pun intended by that. I had a few recorded episodes of the show “Queer As Folk” locked in a two-drawer filing cabinet in my closet. My brother found the key to the lock, and the rest explains itself) I felt devastated. I'd already felt a lot of guilt about what limited homosexual activity I'd engaged in, and had already by that time, decided not to go looking for another relationship. Although I wasn't one-hundred percent opposed to the idea of some good-looking guy finding me and sweeping me off my feet. However, being a Christian, I knew that God's intent for me was not a life of homosexuality. I knew that the pornography I'd been looking at, the one homosexual relationship I had experienced, and all of it, wasn't right. I felt that in my heart as much as in my mind. As right as it seemed to be for me, it never felt right. I hope that makes sense. But I had never had the direction, the will power, or the understanding or support to be able to do anything about any of it. I had never heard anyone say, “You can change. You don't have to be that way. You don't have to give in to those things. You don't have to be gay if you don't want to be”.

Now I know some of you may take offense to the notion that “change is possible”, but I'm here to describe how my life has changed, not my sexuality (although we can discuss that later). In the last couple of years, I have been on this journey to change my life. And during that time, I've literally felt myself caught up in this sort of whirlwind journey of self-discovery. I am still on that great journey even today.

The purpose of this blog is to discuss my thoughts on all that I've learned the past couple of years, and am continuing to learn. But it is also to bring to light my struggles, feelings toward Christianity, and really, just to give people a place where they can talk about their own feelings. I want to welcome anyone who wants to post their comments on this blog to do so. If I've learned anything the last couple of years, it's that we need each other's help and encouragement. Let's support each other. I know I'm not the only celibate gay Christian out there. Feel free to drop me a line, and any prayer support is appreciated. Likewise, I'm willing to pray for any of you.

I am new to the whole blogger's world, so please forgive me if I ever break etiquette.

Well, there you have it. That was what was originally intended to be my first post. I suppose posting it now is better late than never—it's a year overdue.

It honestly is hard for me to believe that it's been a full year now since I started this blog. When I first started it, I honestly didn't expect it to last for more than a few months. And if not for a few things achieved through blogging, it would have only been that. But it has helped me so much just being able to write out my thoughts for this blog. I've learned to open up a bit more and not keep so much bottled up inside of me all the time. And for those who have been reading since the start, you've seen most of my ups and downs throughout the last year. It's helped me to read other peoples blogs. I've learned a lot from my fellow bloggers. I've become friends with some of you and I've prayed with you and shared my life with you. I've accepted your help and offered my help in return. I've gotten to know so many of you, and that's been the best part of all of this. I've made friends who have taught me just how much God loves and cares about me, and how others can love me, despite whatever hang-ups I may have. I thank God for all of you.

So, here's to hopefully another year of blogging, and a great many more to come. Who knows what adventures will lay ahead and what the Lord will have in store for us? Oh the places we'll go!

God bless.

Still Not Convinced

I want to thank everyone who commented on my last post. You gave me much to think about. But I'm still not convinced.

Several of you brought up the culture issue when interpreting scripture. I think you have a very valid point. But I think you fail to relate culture to all of scripture. You say that certain passages should be taken in light of the culture and society in which they were written, but you seem to fail to apply this to other passages. When the writers of the New Testament books tell us to abstain from sexual immorality, I have to question what they considered to be sexually immoral behaviors. At the time, I think they would have certainly defined sexual immorality by what is written of it in the Old Testament books. Among those things considered sexually immoral would have been gay sex, and very few people dispute the prohibition against homosexual sex as outlined in Levitical law. In applying culture, I think it can easily be reasoned that what was considered to be sexually immoral during the first century AD was based on the teachings of the Pentateuch. So when the apostle Paul or the members of the council of Jerusalem say we should abstain from all sexual immorality, I'd imagine they were talking about that which they knew as being sexually immoral at the time. Based on that, I do believe gay sex was considered a sexually immoral act to them, and that that would have been included in the list of things to abstain from.

Now is the question of love. Is it possible that love would excuse a homosexual relationship? I'll admit, I wonder seriously if it might. However, given that we are told to abstain from all sexual immorality, and given that the apostles more than likely viewed gay sex of any kind as a sexually immoral act, I find it hard to believe that engaging in gay sex, even out of love, would be okay. For if gay sex is considered sin, how are we loving God by giving into it? And even though we are told to love each other, and that that is to be our greatest commandment, I still don't think that would excuse this. For one, sex does not equal love in itself. It is an expression of love. And in the same light, love does not equal sex. Love is about so much more than sex alone. Love is about commitment, patience, kindness, and selflessness. It isn't prideful or boastful or uncaring. I have to say I find it puzzling how some people can say that two men can't love each other, even intimately, without ever having sex with each other. I'll refer to the story of David and Jonathan, which I'll say more about in a follow up post. Is it not possible that these two men actually just deeply loved each other in a Godly manner without ever having sex? I think it is. But I'll refer back to the culture issue with their story. Reading it, and applying it to today's culture and our society, yes, it seems very much so to suggest that David and Jonathan were perhaps lovers. But to see their story in light of the culture in which they lived, would it have been so shocking for two men to be affectionate toward each other and to show signs of love for each other? Such as when scripture says they kissed and wept together? Have we not seen heterosexual Frenchmen in our own time kiss each other as a sign of greeting or recognition? And aren't we told that Judas betrayed Jesus with a “kiss”? Have none of us cried along with our fellow brothers in times of distress or mourning, or had parents not approve of certain friendships?

David, from Resolving Realities, brought up one particular issue, which I hope I can give him an answer to, and that is “why does God not like homosexual sex?” I think if one seriously looks at how God created us, one can find that answer. He created us men and women. Our bodies are designed in very specific ways, and I'd imagine He meant for our bodies to only be used in specific ways. God naturally created men and women in a manner so that they could procreate. It's His design—that's all I can really say (and not to imply that procreation is the only reason for which to have sex). And so, I can see why He might find it offensive when we misuse what He created (our bodies). Think of it this way. A painter paints a beautiful landscape of people walking in a field during springtime. Now, lets say He gave life to his painting, and the men and women in that painting decided to change their colors, their clothing, their setting, until the point where the painters original intent for the painting is completely changed. No longer is it a painting of people walking in a field during springtime, but it's a painting of creatures starving to death during a cold winter. I think the same could be applied here with homosexuality. If it were not okay with God, I'd imagine it's because He didn't create us and our bodies with that in mind. And so to give into that sort of thing, we misuse our bodies—we use them in an unnatural way. That's the best answer I can think of for that question. I hope it makes sense. I'll still come back to the question though, might God be okay with homosexual sex, even though that might not have been His original intent for us, if love is involved? I'm still not sure. I will just add though, for whatever reason God may have against homosexual relations, if that is indeed how He feels, I know that His understanding is so much greater than my own. So, if God tells me that homosexual sex is wrong, I'll have to trust that it's because He knows better than I do. What I think shouldn't matter so much as what He thinks.

Now, I've heard some people mention that the Old Testament teachings no longer apply to us because of Christ. I disagree with that, in part. I think the two go hand in hand. Without the Old Testament, you don't have Christ. And even Christ affirmed many Old Testament teachings. So, I do believe the Old Testament is indeed still valid to us in many ways today. Now, of course, because of Christ, certain teachings of the Old Testament, in fact, no longer apply. I could get into describing traditional, cultural, and moral laws and such, but I'd rather not go down that road again. For those who know what I'm talking about, I would just like to ask if it's possible that the prohibition on homosexual sex could actually have fallen among the cultural laws, rather than the moral laws? If so, would we still be bound by it?

Some would suggest that the destruction of Sodom and Gomorrah was not due to homosexuality, and I'll admit, it may not have been. But I do think the men who approached Lot's house did indeed want sex from his houseguests, and probably by force. The reason I believe this is because it doesn't make sense for Lot to have offered them his daughters as a means to appease them. Why would he make such an offer if the men weren't after sex of some manner? What I get out of the story of Sodom and Gomorrah is that those two cities had become so sinful that God had to destroy them less their wickedness carry over into other places. I think there quite possibly was rampant homosexuality in those cities, but likewise there was probably rampant murder, theft, adultery, and any other sin imaginable. What I mean is I don't think the two cities were singularly destroyed because of homosexuality (if that was a cause), but because sin of all types had become so prevalent. You might be able to compare the two cities to two literal hells on earth, and God destroyed them because nothing good could any longer come from them.

What about Paul's made up word “arsenokoite”? This term is generally interpreted as meaning homosexual. Some would argue that what Paul was actually talking about though was either male prostitution, some form of idolatry, or pedastry. However, in 1 Corinthians 6:9, Paul already makes mention of those who engage in male prostitution and idolatry. If that were what he meant, he'd have been repeating himself needlessly. So, I do not think he was talking about either of those two things. I do think an argument could be made that Paul was talking about pedophilia (men having sex with young boys) though. However, I've read before that when Paul created the word arsenokoite, what he did was combine two words used from the passages in the book of Leviticus referring to the prohibition on homosexual sex. Joe Dallas makes this claim in both of his books, “Desires In Conflict” and “The Gay Theology?”. The two words used were man and bed, and used in a sexual context. The idea is that Paul was referring back to the prohibition against homosexual sex. If that indeed was what he was referring to, I will admit he did so rather poorly. He could have certainly been a little clearer as to his meaning.

Lastly, I know that not all sins are fought as hard against as homosexual sins a great deal of the time. I recognize this. However, that does not mean that those other sins aren't any less bad. Just because a great number of Christians aren't raising their voices more often against divorce, pornography, premarital sex (of any kind), lying, cheating, or even smoking, doesn't mean those things are any less sinful. Nor does it mean that just because those things aren't as heavily fought against should homosexual sins be less fought against. All sins should be fought against, and in equal measure.

So, that's my thoughts. I'm still not convinced. If any of you have anything you'd like to bring up or add, or try to correct me on, I'd be glad to hear you out. Comments are welcome, but the same applies as before—I refuse to get into any arguments with anyone.

God bless.