Something Special

It’s been a long time since I wrote on this blog. I hadn’t planned on taking such a long break, but it just sort of happened that way. The last few months have been… well, I’m not sure how to describe them. School was pretty difficult this time around. I had some hard classes and a lot to have to do. I had to complete and then revise a TPA, which determined whether I’d be allowed to become a student teacher this fall. That was a very tiresome and stressful project. There was a lot riding on it. The revisions alone were two weeks worth of nearly killing myself in order to complete, on top of everything else I needed to do for my regular classes.

School has taken up a great deal of my time the last few months. It wasn’t all that took up my time though. I wrote something very foolish a few months ago. And to be honest, I feel like it was a different me that wrote it. I said something to the effect that a woman wanting to be with me was not a blessing. I was wrong to ever think that. From mid February until just a couple of weeks ago I had a girlfriend. Remember that girl I talked about liking me from school, who had become a great friend, but one that I knew liked me more romantically? We continued spending time together outside of school. We went on a date. We didn’t call it that, but that’s what it was. We went somewhere to eat in the next county, and then saw a movie together. I’ll admit, I remember feeling very nervous about being with her, but at the same time feeling so drawn to her. My mind is filled with that memory right now. I can see every moment, her reactions, expressions, and remember half of what we talked about and the sound of her voice. I’d nearly forgotten though just how long it took us to say goodnight to each other. When we got back in the county, we just sat in the car and talked, neither of us really wanting the evening to end. We emailed each other back and forth several times that same night. From then on we were a couple.

For the purposes of this blog, I’ll name her Eve. We hadn’t dated long when I told her how I feel about other men. She handled that news rather incredibly. She said that it didn’t matter. And I’m sure it never did. I never expected to find someone who’d feel that way. It was a great relief that she felt that way, that she still wanted me.

Eve and I did everything together. We took a trip to Nashville, which was one of the best experiences of my life. We saw the Hermitage, the Parthenon, went to Opry Mills, bought books. At the gift shop at the Hermitage, we both headed straight for the children’s books. When we were checking out, the cashier asked if we were both teachers. She said she could usually tell whenever a person goes straight for the kids books like that. Both of us left there feeling a little proud—we were recognized as teachers!

Eve introduced me to her family. They were really nice and I enjoyed meeting them. And when her stepmom cooked spaghetti, something Eve knew I wasn’t fond of, she covered for me. I don’t know anyone else in my life that would have done that. Anyone else I know would have put me on the spot and made a big to do about it. Instead, she looked out for me.

We went bowling together with her daughter. I had so much fun that night. We had fun. It was really the first time I’d gotten to be around… oh, I’ll call her Gracie, and it was great. For a fleeting moment, I remember thinking that night, so this must be what it’s like to have a family.

We watched movies at her place. The first time we did this, she snuggled up against me. My heart was beating so fast. We held hands and kissed. I looked into her eyes and watched as they turned from a bluish gray to the most amazing shade of blue I’ve ever seen, so bright and glimmering. I remember being so amazed by that. I was sort of dumbstruck by it, actually, and I commented on it. “Your eyes are so blue,” I told her. And then it dawned on me, “Like a mood ring.” I knew she loved me. There’s something about that that I know has changed me forever. She loved me.

She took me to two of her most favorite spots. We walked across an old wooden bridge, held each other. We sat by a lake, and watched as the sun went down and the stars filled the sky—we had trouble finding the little dipper and the north star. She was cold and I held her to keep her warm, and gave her my jacket.

We helped each other with our homework and with finishing our TPAs. We ate lunch together every day after classes. I waited for her to finish her last class; she waited for me. We helped each other study for tests. Every time we were together it was like we were magnets being pulled toward each other.

Eve and I made a lot of plans. We were going to go camping this summer together, go on a few more Nashville-like trips, maybe go fishing, spend more time together just in general. She’d wanted to celebrate graduation together this next Christmas by going on a cruise to Mexico. I was really looking forward to all of these things. We’d even discussed our feelings about marriage, kids, what sort of future we could have together.

I played Candy Land with Gracie. I hit a baseball for her to practice catching for Little League. I danced with her in the living room. I watched some of her favorite television shows with her. I read books to her. I won’t lie and say that I always enjoyed being around her. I didn’t most of the time. I liked Gracie. She was a good, sweet little girl. But I never knew how to respond to or act around her. I always felt like I was going to break her or be too rough to play with her like I do with my nephews. And she cried at the least little thing. She’s a very emotional child. But Eve was really good with her. I saw how good a mother she was. And that meant a lot.

I have so many great memories now. I experienced so many great things. I felt loved. I felt for the first time in a really long time that I could actually end up having a family of my own. That’s something quite indescribable to experience. I fell in love with someone for the first time in my life…

For a couple of weeks I knew something was different. Something happened that shook our relationship. We talked and agreed to stand by each other, but within just a few days time, after everything had ran its course, I knew there was a problem. And then she broke up with me. For a few days after that I felt like someone had ripped something physically and emotionally away from me, as if an entire part of me and future outcome of my life had been destroyed forever. And I still feel that way some. I cried and hurt until I was exhausted. I don’t know if I’ve ever truly felt so great a sense of loss at any other time before.

I’m honestly not sure why she decided to break up with me. But I will concede it may have honestly been for the best. Maybe she saw that before I could. I know myself enough to know that committing to marry her would have been really hard. It would have been really difficult for me to give up some of my own plans and dreams in life to have stayed with her. But still, I could see myself having done that for her, for us. I think I’ll always wonder what we could have had together though—the life we could have shared. We’re still going to be friends. We both agreed we wanted that. We agreed from the beginning that whatever happened between us, we wanted to remain friends. But that’s not quite the same thing, is it.

God blessed me. For a time in my life I got to experience something so wonderful, so unexpected, something I have absolutely no regrets about. I know what it’s like to really be loved. I know what it’s like to really be in love with someone else. I know what it’s like to be a part of something so special that no words I know can even begin to describe how I feel about it.

I don’t feel like I’m the same person anymore. I feel like God showed me something that’s changed my life forever. It’s such a beautiful thing how God can mess with you like that sometimes. And I’m glad I let him. He showed me something I’d have never seen otherwise.

New Day, by Robbie Seay Band

I like this song.



I like this version too. These kids singing this song look like me just hearing it.

My Blog is Porn? Really?

Well, in the usual fashion to get to my blog, I entered the name of my blog on Netscape. Out of curiosity, I looked at the search results to see where all my blog was popping up. As it turned out, another blogger had referenced my blog in one of his recent posts. He had this to say:

“What's that you say? That last one [Afterthoughts on a Whirlwind Journey] isn't a sex blog? No. It's not, but it's still a porn blog. Reading the private, inner thoughts of a closeted Christian struggling with his attraction to men (Whose love will he pick Jesus or another man's? Will he realize that it's not an either/or decision?) is totally pornographic. Totally.”

I have to admit, the idea of my blog being a “porn blog” is sort of bewildering to me. I’ve never thought of my blog being anything that could be described as erotic. I have tried to avoid being blatantly graphic in descriptions of my thoughts/past, and, to the best of my knowledge, I have yet to post any inappropriate images or videos. So I am confused by someone finding my blog to have an erotic appeal to it. I am intrigued, though, because I wonder now what it is about my blog that might come across as pornographic or overtly erotic. Perhaps the nature of my blog, the fact that I am a “closeted (for the most part) Christian struggling with his attraction to men” and that I have shared some “private, inner thoughts”, does appeal to the erotic fantasies or stimuli of some people. Whatever the reason, if my blog does come across that way, this “totally” throws me for a loop. The intentions of my blog has never been to provide material for anyone’s sexual pleasure, but merely to be a place where people, like myself, who have struggled with their sexuality, can read about and learn from my own experiences and gain comfort in knowing that they are not alone in their own struggles. But, whereas I do not see the erotic appeal, far be it from me to suggest that nobody else does/can.

I guess the question I should ask now is does my blog have a pornographic, sexual, or otherwise inappropriate feel, perception, or appeal to it? If you think it does, I’d honestly like to know why. If you think it doesn’t, give me your viewpoint as well. I’m just trying to figure this thing out.

Moving onto another topic… how many of you think Conan O’Brien should stay the host of the Tonight Show? This has sort of been in the news a bunch lately. But just so that everyone knows where I stand on the issue, I think Leno should move on, Conan should stay, and NBC should wholeheartedly support the new guy (who’s just as good if not better than his predecessor). Just because Leno’s new show hasn’t panned out doesn’t mean the entire late night schedule and the lives and careers of all those involved should be messed around with. I just prefer Conan O’Brien to Jay Leno. There. I said it. Sue me.

Woman

God said it wasn’t good for man to be alone, and so He created woman from man, to be a helpmate to him. Woman was a gift to man, a being of similarity who man could talk to, share experiences, and ultimately love and create with. Woman was called good when she was created, and man accepted her and made her his. She was a blessing, as they both were, together.

Throughout most of my life, the better friendships I have had have been with women. That’s been true for as long as I can remember. I’ve often enjoyed more female activities/talk than I have enjoyed that by most other men. Naturally, because of that, the friendships I’ve had with women have been able to develop more easily because of this.

About a year and a half after I graduated high school, I made a decision to try in earnest to make friends with other men. At the time, I really don’t know that I can say I had any male friends. To correct this, I decided to take a job which forced me to have to be around a lot of other guys, and this in itself allowed me many opportunities for finding and developing commonalities with other men. What I came to realize was that I shared many interests with them. I began to see that I wasn’t as different as I’d always thought I was. And after a few years working at this particular job, I found myself becoming more mature and more comfortable among men. At the same time, however, I’ve found myself wanting less and less friendship from women.

I still tend to develop friendships with women much faster than with men, but in the last couple of years, particularly, I haven’t sought to encourage or seek out those friendships as I used to. To be brutally honest, I’ve found myself, at times, wanting nothing to do with women at all. This isn’t to suggest that I’m against women now. It’s just that the desire for their friendship hasn’t been of one of my greatest interests. And in saying that, I also do not mean that I’ve become unfriendly toward women. It just means that I’ve begun gravitating primarily toward trying to develop friendships and being around other men. My focus has been more on gaining their friendship than that of women.

The last few months, however, I have made a female friend whom I’ve felt closer to than any other woman in a long time. I know she is romantically interested in me, though I do not share this interest in her. I like her as a friend, but that is all. Earlier this week, we went to the movies together. I had a good time with her. But it was only a good time from a friend’s point of view. Had this outing become romantic in any sense of the word, I do not think I would have enjoyed being around her at all. I don’t want to lead her on, or make her think that I like her romantically, and I’ve tried my best not to, but I’m not sure how to break it to her that I don’t feel a return attraction for her without potentially ruining the friendship. Knowing that she feels this way about me just makes me want to run away from her altogether though. I find myself wanting nothing at all to do with her now.

I think of woman being a blessing to man. For me, I don’t think it is a blessing to have a woman to want to be with me. I never have thought of this as a blessing. And, when it happens, it makes me want to avoid women entirely. I don’t want a girlfriend, or a wife. In feeling this way, though, I can’t help but wonder if I’m rejecting something meant to be good—a gift or blessing from God.

Am I to always be alone? I have family. I have friends. Is that enough of a blessing in itself? I would like to think that it is. If it is, then how do I prevent myself from having such disdainful feelings toward women whom I feel are getting too close to me? How do I tell them that I only want friendship without potentially damaging that friendship? And herein lays another problem: should I tell them I’m gay? How should I handle this?

Right and Wrong

I don’t like being wrong. I don’t think this is due to pride, but simply out of a desire to believe and profess what is truth. The last few years I have been seeking out the truth. I like hearing other people’s point of view and opinions. I’ve often been a viewer of CNN, and many of my conservative friends wonder why I watch it instead of Fox News. I tell them that by watching CNN I get to understand why people on the other side think the way they do about things. Politically, I would say that I am more of a moderate than conservative or liberal, but when in doubt, I tend to lean more conservatively. But rather than close my mind and refuse to hear out the views of others, I choose to hear them out and see if either they’re right or I’m right by doing so.

Here’s an example of when I’ve done this. I used to be in support of the death penalty for people who had committed severe crimes. I was pretty adamant in this belief. But a friend of mine made me question this belief. We had always shared the belief that abortion was wrong. He wrote an article about that a year or two ago, describing his pro-life beliefs. Within that article, he explained that his pro-life position went beyond that of the preborn, explaining that life was precious regardless of the situation or circumstances surrounding that life. The more I thought about what he’d written, the more I was convinced he was right. I am now against the death penalty as adamantly as I used to be for it. I just don’t believe that anyone should ever take another life like that. No person should ever take another person’s life into their hands as such. And the fact that there have been so many wrongful convictions in the past is just another reason for me to believe this.

Now, don’t get me wrong. I think a policeman shooting a man getting ready to stab or shoot someone himself is doing a good and just thing to prevent that man from doing considerable harm to another. Protecting others or self in such a way is more than justifiable.

But the point is that listening to others can sometimes bring you to a better understanding of the world around you. You can see where either you have been potentially mistaken or correct about a certain thing. I’ve found that in many instances, I have been wrong about a great many things in my life. But in debating, discussing, or just simply listening to others, I have found myself also proven correct in my thinking.

The last couple of years, I have found myself doubting many of my beliefs. The reason for this, I think, is because of my openness to consider the viewpoints of others. I’ve listened to so many different viewpoints that somewhere along the way I’ve become confused and frustrated about what to believe. But on top of that, I know I have been dissuaded, disappointed, and turned off to many people in my life who had shared a lot of the same beliefs as me. It’s hard to believe in the same things as a preacher, fellow churchgoers, coworkers, parents, and others who have neglected, abused, or belittled you, or faltered somewhere along the way themselves. It’s hard to believe anything they say is true. And when you want to get away from them, you also want to get away and reject anything that reminds you of them.

As I said in my last post, I have increasingly felt a desire to distance myself from all things Christianity. I’ve been trying to figure out why the past few weeks, and why this has intensified dramatically since I’ve begun going to church again. I think this is the reason. Being in church I’m reminded of all the past hurts, I sit next to parents who have refused to help me or guide me in life, amongst other Christians who have never attempted to befriend me or get to know me, or who I’ve seen commits wrongs to others, and all of this combined has just made me want to reject the message they proclaim. I realized this on Sunday during the church service. I was angry at my parents for a few things and just wanted to get up and leave the church and never come back—to get away from them.

I think forgiving others is something much more difficult for me to do than I previously thought. I need to work on that. I think also, my faith, in a lot of ways, must have been strengthened in the past considerably more from others than I’d realized. And when those others let me down, my faith was weakened or brought down as well. God alone should be my strength and my main concern. That sounds good, and should probably be true. But all Christians are not in and of themselves. We all belong to a greater body. When that body is damaged, we are all affected. I need that strength that only the body can give me. I know, too, though, that I do need to rely more upon Christ than what I have been. And, sometimes, I think I need to listen a little less to others.

Broken

I hope everyone had a good Christmas. Things were good on my end. I’d have liked to written a post beforehand, but I honestly couldn’t think of anything appropriate to write for the occasion. It hasn’t helped either that my mind has been overworked. I’ve had a lot going on lately.

Anyway, I’ve had something bugging me, and I wanted to share this and get it off my mind.

I remember writing some time back, either on this blog or as a commenter on another, that knowing Jesus makes life easier. I think I was wrong to believe that. This last year, I’ve not gone to church much at all. When I have, I’ve become guilt ridden, frustrated, angry, edgy, depressed, and faced battles of feeling really low self-esteem and self-worth. Life is not easier knowing Jesus. It can certainly be better in a lot of ways, but far from easy. Knowing Jesus takes a lot of work, and it takes a lot out of you.

I don’t know what’s wrong with me. This last year I’ve increasingly felt more and more of a resistance to anything God-related. I think, to an extent, it is because knowing Jesus is hard, and it brings to mind a lot of the negative aspects of my life/past. I don’t like feeling this resistance. It’s affected my faith in some rather major ways. I’ve had a lot of doubts about Christianity.

I hate saying or thinking that.

I know this is probably going to sound out in left field, but it’s something that really has weighed on my mind lately and something that has seriously caused some doubts in me. I don’t understand why God would be so vain as to require circumcision as a necessity to showing faith in Him (talking about the Israelites). Why would God make this requirement and then come down to Earth and preach a message that circumcision of the flesh is meaningless, and that it is actually circumcision of the heart that really counts? I’m confused by this. If physical circumcision was so important that God would threaten to cast out Moses for not circumcising his son, then why would He a few centuries later say that it’s not that important? I guess God can change His mind, but that in itself begs the question if God really is all-knowing, all-wise. I can’t help thinking that circumcision was simply an ancient custom adopted by the Israelites at some point and accredited as God’s commandment for His people later on. And if that is true, then perhaps a lot more of what we read about in the Old Testament is untrue, or at least not the whole truth. Perhaps there is indeed a God, but a lot of His so called commandments, really are not from Him at all, but made by people who simply thought they knew what was best for their people during the times in which they lived.

These doubts aside, I’ve felt so much of a resistance to going to church, reading my bible, praying, or just having anything at all to do with God. I feel like I’m going to hell. But aside from that, I’ve felt better about myself, been more outgoing, and relaxed about life the last few months than I probably ever have. It’s really only the last few weeks that that has begun to change. I did not go to church this last Sunday, but I did go the previous five Sundays. I was glad to go. But I didn’t at any moment feel as though I belonged. And I’ve been reminded of how much I tried to belong a few years ago and never was really allowed to. I’ve had a lot of doubts creep in, old wounds resurface, and in general felt like I’m just a piece of crap. I don’t know how to feel close to God. I don’t know how to feel close to other Christians. I don’t know where I belong in the great realm of Christianity. And all of this bothers me a lot.

I do believe in God. I think it’s ridiculous to believe everything in this great big universe just came about of its own accord. But I do doubt a lot of what we Christians have been taught about God. I think, as in today, people in the past may have been wrong on their teachings and beliefs. How do we know that certain dreams weren’t just that and nothing else? How do we know that certain visions weren’t really episodes of drunkenness, hallucinations, and/or forms of mental illness? How do we know that Moses didn’t just take old stories (maybe of truth or myth) and add a bit of his own thinking to help rule the Israelites? How do we know that the good men and women of the Bible weren’t really as honest or noble as we’ve been taught they were? Perhaps their actions were more in the line of best intentions than clearly presenting what they knew as the truth. Along that line, I can’t help thinking about the Catholic view that Mary must have not died, but ascended into Heaven sometime late in her life. I see no proof at all to suggest that this is the case. There are no eye-witnesses, no one that wrote about it near the time that it supposedly happened, nothing. I think it’s likely that the Apostle John took Mary into hiding, to protect and to care for her, as Jesus wished, and she eventually died in obscurity. I think it’s likely that no one knew what happened to Mary. And embarrassed not to know this about the mother of the person for whom the church was founded, some early Christian leaders came to the conclusion that surely she must not have died such an ordinary and depressing death, but that something marvelous must have happened to her. And so, in their search for an answer as to what happened to Mary, they concluded she must have been ascended into Heaven to rule alongside her son. I have to say I like the notion of this idea, but I’d like to know where the proof is. It’s not enough for me that some priest a few hundred years after it supposedly happened wrote that that was what happened. He didn’t see it, so who did? How does he justify this answer? Apparently it’s supposed to be enough just that he said it, and so we just have to take him at his word, that’s the conclusion, case closed. I’m sorry, but it’s not enough for me.

I just feel as though everything is all mixed up. No two Christians ever seem to believe in the same thing. No one has any convincing answers. A lot of Christians act anything but Christian these days. It’s just all such a huge turn off for me, and something that I’ve increasingly wanted less and less to do with.

I could write more, but for now, I’ll leave it at this. I’m not feeling bad, really, or depressed, so please don’t anyone think that. I’m just frustrated because I’d like some answers and to be able to feel as though God actually is God.

On another note, I want to apologize for something else which I implied in a previous note a few months back, concerning friends. I think I was operating under the assumption that online friends weren’t as good as other types of friends. I’m sorry I ever thought that, and I’m sorry if I offended any of you for suggesting it. I’ve met some really great people online, and I’ve made some of the best, closest friendships I’ve ever had with some of you. You’re blessings from God, and that’s one thing I surely do not have doubts about. I thank God for each and every one of you.

Thanking God

Thank you God for...

loving me.
forgiving me.
being patient with me.
guiding me.
keeping me safe.
giving me friends.
giving me a family.
the clothes on my back.
the food I overeat.
the roof over my head.
the talents you've given me.
getting me back in school.
showing me my faults.
giving me hope.
the acts of kindness you surprise me with when I'm feeling low.
always being someone I can turn to.
always bringing me back to you.
treating me better than I could ever deserve.
every good memory/experience/day.
the life you have given me.
absolutely everything.
being you.

(This list could be a mile long, but I'll stop here for now. Happy Thanksgiving, everyone!)