How Far

Since late 2006, I’ve saved many of the written conversations/emails I’ve had with people online. I did this, in part, because I wanted to be able to keep up with it all, helping in my being able to respond. But I also just wanted to keep a record of things that was said so that I wouldn’t forget. I’ve always thought of emails as letters, so this just sort of made sense to do anyway—I’ve rarely ever thrown a real letter away, and that goes for birthday and holiday cards as well.

A few nights ago, I went back and began reading through some of those older emails. I read things I’d completely forgot about, and even from people I’d forgot about. I saw at times how clueless I’d been about certain things, how arrogant I was, or selfish. At other times, I saw the complete opposite of that. I saw the frustrations, worry, anger, joy, and excitement of others. I saw that of myself, too. I saw victories and downfalls. I saw how weak and yet how very strong people, including myself, can be at times. I saw how desperate we all are for intimacy, affection, friendship, and love. I saw how much we all seek the truth. I saw this even from those who’d hated, belittled, and disagreed with me so strongly as to wish me dead. Yes, even those people were in search of the truth. I may not have seen it at the time, but looking back, I can see it now. In all of it, though, I saw just how far I’ve traveled in life. I saw how much I’ve grown as a person, and how much others have grown as well.

Afterward, I felt such a great sense of humility. We are all so much the same. We’re all just trying to figure out how to deal with life and make life the best we can. Some of us stumble along the way, get confused, or get sidetracked, but it is all still in the pursuit of doing what we think is best.

I’ve often been told that looking back is a bad thing. Maybe at times it is, but I think at other times it isn’t. I’m glad I went back and read through so many of those emails though. It helped me feel reconnected with people in a way that I can only describe as awe-inspiring. It reminded me just how great and how many friendships I’ve developed over the last few years. And it helped me see where I began, and just how I got to be where I’m at right now.

I titled this blog Afterthoughts on a Whirlwind Journey. I’ve questioned that decision many times, but after having read those emails the other night, I see how completely appropriate it was. We are all on a journey. And sometimes it really is good to look back, if for nothing more than to see just how far we’ve come in life.

Forgiving

“It’s okay.”

“Don’t worry about it.”

“It no longer matters.”

“I forgive you.”

“You’re forgiven.”

Those five sentences are some of the most powerful any person can ever hope to hear. Guilt, grief, regret, and sorrow are four things most people experience at some time in their lives. They can be four of the most destructive feelings, or they can be four of the most motivating and transformative.

Most of us have done things we feel bad about. We can let that consume us to the point of being overcome by negative emotions and actions, or we can learn from them and change our actions, accepting forgiveness for ourselves from self and from others.

I remember having a friend (one of few) at a daycare I went to when I was little. We played together a bunch. He was a few years younger than me. One day while we were out on the playground, he crossed the fence and went onto the adjoining field. The lady that watched us yelled for him from the house to come back. I remember standing by the fence calling at him as well. He came back, and as he crossed over into the yard, I spanked him and fussed at him. The lady that watched us stopped me though, and I wound up in trouble myself for what I’d done to him. I don’t remember us ever being friends after that.

I look back at this and it bothers me. It has ever sense it happened. It’s not the worst thing I’ve ever done, but I use it now to get a point across: people can be bothered by things they did so many years ago, and from such a young age (I was probably only six or seven), that probably all others have no recollection at all about. I seriously doubt that young boy, the lady that watched us, or any of the other kids remember what happened at all. And yet, I do, and it’s something I have felt regret about.

The wrongs that we do always have consequences. Some are worse than others. Knowing there can be forgiveness though, is one of the best things we can have. Whether we’re offered forgiveness from others, or forgive ourselves, or get it from God, forgiveness has the power to transform so much about us. When we have forgiveness, this transformation is for the good, freeing us to move forward in life. When we do not have forgiveness, however, this transformation can be for the bad, holding us back or causing us to commit further wrongs.

Sin is so very dangerous. When we sin we stain our souls in such a way that none of us could ever imagine. Even the smallest of sins has the power to destroy everything about us. God knows this. He knows how much damage we cause ourselves and others. And yet He loves us enough to forgive us. He loves us enough to have offered himself as a payment for our sins. How greater a gift could any of us ever hope to have? It is the best gift, forgiveness. It is one that to not accept is so incredibly sad.

I’ll admit, in the past, forgiving myself has been the hardest thing for me to do. I’ve held many things over my head for years, and struggled mercilessly to stop doing. What helps when someone does this is to start out with accepting and knowing that God truly does offer forgiveness. When you accept Christ into your life, all those wrongs are washed away, forgotten, put aside. They’re no longer held against you. If God can do that for you, then surely you can do that for yourself.

When we accept forgiveness, we feel the weight of that sin leave us forever. When we accept forgiveness, we no longer have to carry that burden which has held us down. It’s gone.

Imagine how much freer we’d all feel if we could accept forgiveness, in all of its forms, at all times.

How much better off would you be?

A Little Room

I can't help but find this kid's letter amusing. Just goes to show that we all need a little room/space sometimes.

Telling

I watched these videos for the first time today. They were made by a young man serving in the military who, back in November--after the ban on gays serving openly in the military came to an end--finally felt comfortable enough to come out to his family and friends.

I watch him and I'm reminded of how nervous, afraid, worried, and panicked I was when I first came out to anyone. The very first person was a former preacher of mine. I was dumbstruck the moment I went to tell him, and ended up just turning to a passage in Leviticus in the Bible for him to read. He read it and understood. I very similarly had trouble coming out to my dad. I'd made up my mind to do it, and asked if he'd drive out town with me. We ended up spending nearly an hour or so just driving around before I was finally able to say "I like other guys." Afterward, he quickly found his way to a nearby parking area (I assume so that he'd not drive us off a cliff) and stopped the car. We sat there for awhile longer and just talked about it. To say I was nervous, terrified, worried, and panicked would be an understatement. Like the guy in these videos, I was so worried no one would love me if they knew I was gay.

Since then, a few more have found out, and some have taken the news well, while others haven't so much. I've never been able to just come out to my mom, but I know Dad told her. She likes to pretend it isn't so, which does at times bother me somewhat, but at least she's never really made a big deal out of it. And neither has my dad. But I know it meant the world to me, and was probably the best response anyone has ever given me concerning this, when my dad said, "I still love you." What better way could a parent respond to this sort of news.

Redemption

In summer of 2009, I began reading the Harry Potter books for the first time, and I quickly fell in love with them. Before I even finished the first book, I had already bought the second and third books, wanting more and more to find out what happened next. I remember literally crying when I did finish that first book. Not just crying, but smiling uncontrollably as well, feeling nothing but pure joy rushing through my soul. That story was one of friendship, first and foremost, and at that time, I needed to believe I could make friends. That story is also about good overcoming evil, and I remember thinking as I read it, about how completely divine so much of it was. So much can so often go so wrong in this world, and yet here was a book emphasizing some of the most loving, wholesome, Godly themes I had ever read. It was magical in every sense. And I was completely hooked.

Over the next month and a half, I read through the entire series. I spent every chance I could to continue reading. I loved the characters, was enthralled by the story, and was captivated by the detailed settings. And when I had finished, I knew I had changed somehow.

Those books can put you into a bit of an emotional rollercoaster, especially from books four and on, and by the end I was literally drained, as well as speechless. I was dumbfounded. I saw one of the most beautiful stories ever written. It’s one of the greatest examples of love and goodness that has ever been written. It is one of making the right choices in life, and honoring all that is good. And it is one of redemption.

(Spoiler Alert) Throughout the entire series, Severus Snape is really a nasty sort of loathsome character. There’s virtually nothing about him to like. He’s a horrible teacher, mean to his students, uncaring about all others, devious to say the least. And yet, in the end, something is revealed about him that makes him one of the saddest, most virtuous, and redeemable characters in all of literature.

Severus Snape was a fallen person. He was a boy who’d grown up on the wrong side of the tracks, so to speak, never really having any positive influences or friends, other than that of a girl named Lilly. He and Lilly grew up together, as childhood friends, and he came to love her very much. As years passed, however, their friendship dwindled. Severus made choices that led him away from her, that drug him only into a world of darkness and evil, one which she wasn’t willing to accompany him. And it was his choices that led him to, in effect, cause the death of Lilly and her husband, leaving her son, Harry, an orphan.

Losing Lilly destroyed Severus. And it woke him up. He saw how clearly he’d made the wrong choices, how he’d placed his faith in the wrong things. And, unbeknownst to anyone other than Albus Dumbledore, and eventually Harry Potter, this caused him to change for the good. In the end, Harry would not have lived, nor defeated Voldemort, if not for the help of Severus Snape—help which he hid in the form of giving Harry detention, constantly following after him, working secretly in the midst of the enemy as a double agent, disgracing himself in the eyes of the good, and even killing his friend, Albus Dumbledore, to achieve. He allowed everyone to hate him in order to do what was right, and to make right the wrong he’d brought about. In the end, Severus Snape was a hero who loved and cared a great deal for Harry. In the end, Severus Snape was redeemed.

There are so many Christian themes within the Harry Potter storyline, but I think it is this one I like the most. And I know it is because I’ve done things wrong in my past that still to this day fill me so full of regret and self-hate. There are a lot of things I’ve done wrong that I wish so much I could take back. When I think of Severus Snape, I’m filled with hope for redemption. I’m reminded that I, too, can choose to do what is good, and fight for that which is good. I’m reminded that even though one’s past can haunt them, and perhaps even weigh them down on a daily basis sometimes, one’s future can be that of redemption. The best of us can be brought out into the light, and the worst wiped away.

And it is for that reason that I say Severus Snape is one of my most favorite literary characters of all time, and why I say I was left speechless and dumbfounded by the time I finished reading this series. I think it was in this that I saw for the first time how very powerful and beautiful Christ’s love for us is. I saw how much I truly need him in my life. To be redeemed by Him, to be forgiven.

That’s something so powerful that words can never fully express. But I thank J.K. Rowling for the story of Harry Potter, because through it, I know I became closer to Christ. Anything that does that must be worth mentioning.

With Spring Comes Life

I believe I have looked forward to the warmth and green of spring this year more than any other. It’s been fairly warm outside the last few days, even at night, and several trees have already begun getting leaves. I look out my window as I write this and see how so much has already turned green. In another couple of weeks, flowers will be out. I look forward to their beauty. I’ve already been enjoying the buttercups. They always seem to be the first of any flowers that bloom, and they always remind me of Easter and of life renewing itself. And I look forward to being able to work out in the yard again, taking longer hikes, and being able to travel a bit more as well.

I think of spring and I’m reminded just how precious life is. God gives us the ability to exist, to have conscience, to know Him, to be in relationship with others, to live. He breathes life into all of us. We live because we are His creation, and He wants us.

I have two nephews that I cherish deeply. They were unexpected to say the least, and the entire family worried about how life would change when they came about. Their being certainly did change a lot of things—some for the good, some for the bad—but they have been perhaps the biggest blessing God has ever given us. I love them beyond any measure.

It bewilders me how so many people have such disregard or no appreciation at all for the life of others. I think about how easy it would have been for my nephew’s mother to have aborted them. She was young, unmarried, broke… fit the bill pretty well for that sort of thing. If she ever did anything right or good, however, it was in choosing to give birth to her sons. But there are so many people who have made that other decision: to err on the side of death. And I wonder if they have any idea what sort of thing they really gave up. I’ve seen diagrams and videos depicting abortion before, like the one here, and I can say it is a horrendously, monstrous act—one that I couldn’t imagine even contemplating doing.

I look at how nature is beginning to come alive again, and I wonder how many babies will never know it. And not only them, but how many desperate people will have taken their lives and not see another beautiful spring day, or a murdered person whose opportunity to do so was taken away from them. How many non Christians passed from this world into the next, now dead to all things forever? I think it’s sad really, how so many people can choose death over life. And I wonder if they really know at all what they’re doing or what they’re giving up.

I choose life, defend life, and promote life, because I know how truly valuable it is. And so this spring, as everything in nature seems to come alive again, I hope you'll take a few minutes every once and a while to think about how precious a gift God has given us--in all things living--and thank Him for such a truly miraculous blessing.

Of Self, Sex, Love, and Relationships

I ask the question, “Why?” I keep thinking about why I would be attracted to other men, why I would always have had this inner wish when I was little to have been born a girl, why I would have so much difficulty throughout all of life relating to other men, why God would so strongly disapprove of me being in a romantic relationship, and I can’t help but wonder for what purpose it is all for. Why, of all things to struggle with in life, do I have to struggle with gender identity/sexual orientation issues? Why not something a little more common that doesn’t influence the very nature of my being? Why not just pornography, masturbation, greed, gluttony, anger, alcoholism, lust, jealousy, etc.? Not that any of these things are any less difficult to fight or deal with, but none of them bring into question the physical aspect of who you are. No, I have to struggle with the very nature of my identity as a human being. I don’t feel nor think of myself in very masculine terms most of the time, even though I do recognize many of the masculine traits I do have. A lot of the time, I don’t relate fully to being male or female, but something in between. And that in between reality pulls me in both directions so much of the time. I know I am male, and I like that I’m male, but my mind and perception of self is so female it isn’t even funny. This impacts the way I relate to others in virtually every possible manner, including sexuality.

When I think of sex, it is not at all from the typical heterosexual male’s point of view. On the contrary, my first instincts are very much alike to the typical heterosexual female’s point of view (me being in one of maybe three sexual positions with a man on top of me). And, also, like the typical heterosexual woman, even though there is certainly physical pleasure to be enjoyed during sex, it is the closeness to the person making love to me that I desire the most (this isn’t to suggest that no straight men feel the same in this regard—remember I’m talking about instincts and I’m basing this off of past conversations with straight men and women). That’s what I think of whenever sex comes to mind. Those are my first instincts, and that’s pretty much always been the case (spare for a select few occasions).

I’ve had sex with three different people in my life. I know that may come as a shock to some of you, but it is the truth I have to live with, and I do feel regret for. When I was twelve years old, I became sexually active with a boy that was a couple of years younger than me. For the most part, we were only experimenting with each other. We were learning about sex together. I know this had little to do with attraction, but I was still drawn to do those things with him. It just seemed natural to want to, and he was willing.

Sometime during this two year course, I also had sex with a girl. That was a onetime event, which I have no illusions about—I wanted to prove to myself I could be with a girl.

Neither of these people do I wish I’d have had sex with, and I know they feel the same. I wasn’t in love with either of them, nor did either of them love me. But I look back at that time in my life and see how incredibly stupid I was (and how stupid they were too). The things I did during those two years filled me full of regret, sorrow, and self-hate. I layered those feelings on top of me for years. I knew it was just about sex, wanting that physical pleasure.

I allowed those feelings to pretty much diminish any thought of ever actually being with anyone in any sort of relationship. I just thought there wasn’t much real possibility of that happening. But, in spring of 2010, I began (reluctantly) dating a woman that I went to school with. I wrote about that relationship many posts back, calling her Eve.

I loved Eve. There was a lot about her to love. But that relationship fell apart. This happened for many reasons. The biggest reason was just that we didn’t have any of the same long term goals for our lives. Even though we knew this, we still wanted desperately to be together in the short term.

Eve was the third person I became sexually active with. I could give a lot of excuses for why this came about, but I won’t. This was just another reason our relationship fell apart though. After awhile she thought she’d become pregnant. Like most people hearing this sort of news, we wizened up more than a lot. I know both of us really looked much more seriously at the relationship we had. It turned out that she wasn’t pregnant, but we both realized we’d made some very wrong decisions. We both knew that neither of us was willing to give up some of the dreams we’d carried for ourselves for so long. And if that was true, then we never should have allowed ourselves to go so far with each other. She accepted, before I did, that if we weren’t going to be with each other in the future, then we shouldn’t continue being with each other at all. And that’s why she broke up with me.

I was devastated when that relationship ended. I know I really did love Eve. And I know she really did love me, too. We’re still on good terms with each other. But in hindsight, I know the love we had was, at least in part, conditional. I also know there were problems with our relationship extending beyond those I’ve already mentioned. I was never really able to feel comfortable being physically intimate with her, in any regard, or to ever lead in that relationship, even when she wanted me to. I couldn’t be what is required for that sort of relationship—physically or relationally. I felt so awkward so much of the time, as though I was a straight woman trying to be with another woman. It just seemed to completely unnatural for me to be with her. This inner sense kept coming up while we were together. I often think Eve recognized this, too, though she never said anything. She did know I was attracted to other men, and was always very understanding about that. But I do think it impacted our relationship. And I never thought it was very fair to her.

I learned several things from that relationship though. One was that sex can ruin something beautiful. Another is that just because you’re in love doesn’t mean you have to have sex. And a third is that I will never again have sex with anyone unless it’s the person I’m going to spend the rest of my life with—and I’ll give that more than a few months to figure out—because the pain of doing otherwise is just too great.

I also learned a great deal about myself though. I was able to see how a relationship with a woman could be possible. It could work, and I won’t rule out the possibility of that ever happening again. But I do see how unfit and unmatched I was for that sort of relationship. I know I was always on the wrong end of it. My best match is to be with another man, romantically and relationally speaking—that’s what works. Being with Eve, I saw that more clearly. I also saw who I really want to be with.

I’ve suppressed my love for a male friend for a very long time now. I loved him even while I was with Eve. And, unlike with Eve, I know the love I have for him is unconditional. We’ve had many ups and downs, but our friendship has survived (longer than any other I could mention). I think he is handsome, though I doubt few others would think of him beyond average. He is smart and witty. He loves to write and talk about religion and politics. I love that he challenges me in my thinking, that he is always patient with me, always willing to listen, always willing to be there for me. And I love his faith in God. We have so many things we share in common. And I know if I could choose one person to spend the rest of my life with, he would be my pick. I would choose to give everything of myself to him, without regret, and I don’t doubt that for even a second.

It hurts knowing how much I love him, knowing I’ve found the person I want to spend the rest of my life with, knowing that he could share those same feelings with me, but knowing that that can never happen. I’ve struggled so much trying to figure out how to respond to this love. It is not just the love for a friend. It is beyond any measure a romantic love as well. It’s both, really. I want to be able to look him in the eyes and tell him I love him, and for him to know that beyond God, that holds most for him. I want to be able to come home to him every day. I want to embrace him. I want to hold hands with him. I want to hear his voice and feel his presence every day. I want to take care of him when he’s sick. I want to grow old with him. I want to feel my soul connected with his. I want to do all those things a married couple can do together. And, yes, to even make love with him. And yet, I resist.

And I ask, “Why?” Why do I struggle with this thing? Why is it that I’ve come so far to learn so much what true love is all about, and to truly love someone in this manner, just to be told that it’s an unholy love that God would never approve of? Why is it so wrong for me to want to share myself with someone that I love so much? Why and for what purpose would God ever allow me to go through such a thing? Love is one of the greatest things in this world, something that Christ himself advocated more than anything else, and yet I’m denied the love of another?

I know I can be loved, but there are different kinds of love. I want to be able to love someone where I can give everything of myself—my body, my mind, my soul, my time, everything, and to know that it is all out of love. You can’t really love a friend like that. And there’s the difference. My struggle isn’t one of wanting sex. It is one of wanting to experience that sort of love and being told no, and that answer making no sense at all anymore.

I want to do what’s right, but I know I want to do it because it makes sense. Not just because it’s what I’ve always been told, which is based so much on what others have always thought, who had no real idea what sort of thing they were talking about. I don’t want to accept a teaching that I honestly do think may have come about only out of prejudice and misunderstanding.

I look at the story of Adam. God saw it wasn’t good for man to be alone, and yet He’s asking me to be alone? I look at Jesus’ commandment to love, and yet I’m told the greatest of loves isn’t okay for me? It just doesn’t make sense.

And so I struggle on trying to make sense out of it all.