Sunday, September 16, 2007

Just A Fag; or Self-Condemnation

Sometimes I can be so hard on myself. I can allow the great accuser to tear me down so much. There have been times when I've called myself a fag, a queer, a loser, or a half-dozen other belittling things. I've thought of myself as a monster, or a freak. I've told myself, “You'll never be able to change. You'll never have friends, or a family, or children. You'll never have anything, because you're no good.” I've put myself down in my mind so many times this way. I've used those thoughts and those labels to mean something so horrible about myself, and I've dashed my own dreams to shreds. I've told myself that all those other guys are so much better than myself, and I've condemned myself so terribly.


This is the devil playing his best game against me. He gets me to thinking about some of the things I've done in the past, about regrets, and just so many things about myself or my life I haven't enjoyed or liked. He accuses me, and I foolishly listen. That's when I damage myself the most. I believe in the devil's lies. Rather than believing God who says, “You can, and you will, because I love you” I believe in the devil who says, “You can't, and you'll never, because you're nothing.”


Nothing good ever comes of that. So, knowing this, why do I listen? And why do I agree sometimes? All this usually does, believing in these lies, tormenting myself, is cause me to give in to the very sins I try so hard not to give in to. It causes me to feel so badly about myself, and to turn from God and wallow in self-pity and agony. I know better than to do this. I'm learning not to do this. I know I'm not a bad person, I'm not a freak, and I know God loves me and promises a hopeful and brighter future for me. But I still struggle with these thoughts sometimes. I still condemn myself, and I let that tear me down so low. I believe in that whispering voice that accusers and condemns. Why do I do this!?

3 comments:

Beast said...

Hi,

You're not the only one who do 'this'. But may God's grace give you strength to overcome the 'dark moments' when you have to fight against the accusation of the Devil! May His love and His peace alone hold you and console your pain!

Bless you!
Beast.

RikFleming said...

Bro,

The next time you feel like self-flagulating (mentally whipping yourself) see if you can find any text in the Bible that supports the ways in which you are thinking about yourself. If you can't, then you know the source of such thoughts. Then, look to those texts which speak of your identity in Christ, that you have been cleansed and washed, that you are a new creature, and remind yourself that even if you had in the past persecuted the Church like Paul, today you can say to yourself, "By the grace of God I am what I am." (1 Cor. 15:10).

If you have confessed your sin and repented, you are not an arsenokoitai!

Second, you are my brother and I love you. THAT is who you are to ME. You are the guy I pray for all the time and is the ONLY way that I think of you.

Love ya!

Rik

RikFleming said...

a follow up to my last response...

Bro,

I am feeling a little bit pissed off at the devil this morning, so bare with me.

The next time that SOB reminds you of your past and of your present struggles, remind that m'ther f'er of his future! Satan has no room for repentance, Jesus did not die for his sin. He has nothing to look forward to but eternal torment in the hottest place in hell prepared especially just for him.

Ahhhh... now I feel all better..

Peace and love to all whose eternal hope is joyful bliss in resurrected bodies and spending eternity in the loving fellowship of Christ and all the saints!

Love ya man!

Rik