Legal

It occurs to me that one of the greatest frustrations and struggles I’ve had in my adult life is to avoid certain sins I am prone/tempted to commit. At times I have had great success at resisting these sins. Other times, I have failed miserably.

I used to get really depressed every time I had a fall. I would try really hard not to, would make it for some time, and then would inevitably have a stumble. And I’d beat myself up over and over again for each little stumble I had. I’d pray for forgiveness, try again, have some success for a time, and then fall again. It was a horrible pattern that I couldn’t seem to break free of. And I’d listen to people tell me and others that it just takes time, that I was probably just setting myself up to fail somehow, and that if I’d just pray harder, fight harder, believe harder, and have greater patience, I would eventually reach a point of not sinning but very rarely, or being able to avoid certain sins altogether.

That hasn’t worked.

I’ve thought a lot about why I haven’t been able to completely keep myself from sinning. Why haven’t I had greater success? I think the answer is simple: I am a fallen human being, stained by sin, tempted by the devil, and made weak. I cannot do anything on my own to bring about my salvation, nor (more likely) totally go without ever sinning again. With this in mind, I think if humans were capable of ever completely resisting sin in the first place, then why did we need Jesus? We wouldn’t have. We would all have simply been able to uphold every letter of the law at all times and would have been saved by our own doing. We couldn’t do that though. We needed Jesus to save us. We needed a new covenant.

When I look back at the last several years I can see that more often than not I was trying to live up to the old law, looking at my faith in a very legalistic mindset—that if I’d just say and do all the right things, I would be okay. The problem with that mindset is that it devalues the sacrifice Christ made for each of us. He saved us, taking our sins upon himself, and offering us forgiveness and grace. We are not bound by the old laws. When we act as though we are, as if our salvation is dependent upon our following the law in the strictest sense, we make Christ’s sacrifice meaningless.

Jesus made things very simple for us. He told us to love God with all our hearts, souls, and minds. He told us to love our neighbors as ourselves. And He told us to believe and have faith. He also instructed the people he helped and taught to “sin no more”. On this point, was Jesus telling us we could and should never sin again? Or was he telling us to simply try our best not to sin anymore?

I believe both.

I believe with Christ’s help, it is possible for a person to never again sin. However, I also believe that, for reasons known only to Him, we may not always be given the help we need to stop sinning. I believe this because I know how hard I have tried and how hard others have tried, desperately tried, only to wind up failing. In the past I’ve tried to the point of near insanity (and I mean this in the most literal sense), and hated myself fiercely for any failings. And I was wrong to do this.

I get really frustrated with Christians who seem to believe that people should never sin, and who judge, belittle, and condemn anyone, including themselves, who do occasionally sin. I despise the attitude that church is only for sinless people. And yet, that is such a prevalent attitude among so many Christians. I’ve witnessed this firsthand myself. And what damage do Christians cause by having this attitude? How many prospective Christians do they run away from Christ by having such a legalistic mindset? How much damage do they cause themselves by their arrogance and lack of humility?

One thing I’ve learned the last few years is to not beat myself up so badly every time I have a fall. I’ve tried in earnest to change my attitude from one of legalistic adherence to one of accepting love, forgiveness, patience, and grace. I am not a perfect person. And I may never be a perfect person the whole time I walk this earth, regardless of however hard I try to be. That doesn’t mean I shouldn’t try, but just that whenever I come up short, it’s not the end of the world. There is still great hope for me.

Trust is something else I’m trying really hard to learn. Not so much trust in other people, which I have worked on some, but to let go and fully trust God—to believe that He will lead me and guide me in life to where I need to be, to what is best for me and Him. Doing this has certainly helped to bring about a lot less worry in my life. It has also helped me to accept and believe in His promise of forgiveness, to know that I am not damned by a single wrongdoing, but offered redemption instead.

“Lord, I pray you will look after all those struggling to overcome sin. I pray you will lead them and comfort them, and forgive them when they are weak. Give them the patience to endure, and the trust to continue following you no matter what. Help me in this same regard, Lord, and in all other ways you know I need it. And please also help the church to better know how to welcome and work with people of all backgrounds toward your glory, Lord. In your son, Jesus’, name I pray. Amen.”

China Doll

A few weeks ago, I went with my family to see Oz: the Great and Powerful. Overall, I really enjoyed this sort of prequel to 1939’s The Wizard of Oz. One thing I particularly found memorable was a scene with a little China Doll character.

At the beginning of the movie, Oz (the Wizard), while performing a “magic” act, unintentionally convinces a little girl in a wheelchair, and her family, that he has the ability to make her walk again. They plead with him to help her, but he knows he is unable to and quickly leaves off stage, telling them he cannot help. Later in the movie, while in the Land of Oz, Oz comes across a small China doll whose legs have been broken off after an attack by the wicked witch. She is saddened by the loss of her legs and thinks she’ll never be able to walk again—this is an obvious parallel to the little girl in the earlier scene. Hoping to help her, he uses some glue from his bag of tricks to reattach her legs. After some shaky first steps, she is once again able to use her legs and walk. She is overjoyed with happiness for what he has been able to do for her—something that he could not do for the little girl in real life.

It is such a sweet, innocent scene, and it warmed my heart. It got me to thinking about how much most of us wish we could do more good in this world than what we often have time or the ability to do, and yet, in the Land of Oz, all things are possible. It reminds me that with God all things are possible; and even if things are not always as we’d wish them to be, we should always have hope for better things.

Something else it got me to thinking about though is how we are sometimes better off in certain places, or under certain circumstances, than we are in others. I really do believe that there is a place for each of us, a purpose for each of us, and that, even though it may take us some time to find our places in life, they will eventually be revealed to us. Oz’s place was not amongst the people of real life, but amongst the people of Oz. Columbus’s place was not to stay and farm the rich land of Europe, but to explore and find a whole new world and other civilizations. Jesus’ place was not to stay amongst the people of Nazareth, but to venture out and save the world. We are all meant for something. And even if that something is small and appears to be of little significance in comparison to others, it is assuredly of more importance than most of us could ever possibly understand.

I think sometimes about what my place is—where am I best suited for and what am I best suited to do? Even though I think living in a rural, conservative place is annoying or frustrating at times, I know in my heart it is where I am meant to be. Even though I love building houses and furniture and designing things, being a teacher is what I am meant to do. Even though my family sometimes makes me want to scream, I know we are a perfect match for each other.

In a lot of ways, I feel like I have figured out my place and purposes in life. But with that said, I still wonder what God has in store for me. I wonder where He will lead me, or what he will have me doing, or who he will have me being around. I wonder what direction my life will take (so long as I continue allowing Him to guide me and have hope).

Where is your hope? Where is your place? What is your purpose in life?

What Makes it Wrong?

I read a comment on another blog recently that got me to thinking about how people reach the conclusion that homosexuality is wrong. In this particular comment, the commenter suggested that he sort of instinctively knew that he was doing something wrong the first time he engaged in homosexual activity. Others have told him that they didn’t know there was anything wrong with it until they came to their faith and accepted Christ.

What other means do people come to this belief? In all, I have thought of five means total.

One: the bible tells us so. As simplistic as that sounds, some people really do accept morals singularly from this source. From my own perspective, the bible does hold a lot of weight with me. It is one of the greatest works of the Holy Spirit ever. So, to deny or prevent its influence, I believe, is foolhardy at best.

Two: God teaches it is wrong through conviction of the Holy Spirit. I believe this could be true. If we are saved in the faith, I have no doubt at all that God will use the Holy Spirit to convict us of our sins (I would argue that He would do this even if we are not yet saved as well). If homosexual acts truly are sinful, then I am positive the Holy Spirit would try to convict us of that in order to enlighten us and spur us into changing our ways.

Three: Our nature’s fight against it. If we are truly designed as human beings only for heterosexual expressions of sex, then our nature will work to make us comply; when we go against it, it will let us know. For instance, if we chew on broken glass, we are likely to experience pain because our mouths are not designed in such a way to handle chewing on anything as sharp as that. Upon first bite, and that first puncture of the flesh, most of us would instinctively spit out the glass and never try to chew on it again. Our nature has cried out to us not to do that thing again. It could be the same for homosexuality. When we engage in homosexual acts, our bodies may in some way try to warn us against that. We may, too, be convinced by the functions of our design. Even though it is possible for two men or two women to engage in sexual acts together, their bodies are not designed for that function—the ultimate [note that I do not say only] goal of sex being procreation, something that only man and woman together can achieve. So we may be convinced that homosexuality is wrong simply by the designs of our bodies, the very nature of our biological design.

Four: We are taught that homosexual acts are wrong through environmental influences. When we see heterosexuality being the norm, see others make fun of homosexuals, and hear others preach against homosexuality, it only stands to reason that we may be influenced towards those ways of thinking, or allow those ways of thinking to influence our decisions. If we are raised in an environment very gay friendly, however, we may be less inclined to have any real problems, or concerns, about homosexuality. We may, in essence, view it more favorably, having fewer instances of its rejection or disapproval to model after. So, in those ways, I believe our environments can influence us into either believing it more or less acceptable.

Five: It is a personal decision. Anyone who decides that homosexuality is wrong must of course come to this decision, in the end, on their own. That is to say that no one can make this decision for you. This personal decision could be that homosexuality is wrong in the immoral sense, but also something determined wrong for one’s life, or course, as well. Many gay men and women do choose to pursue a life outside of homosexuality. There can be many reasons for this. They may want children, they may not want to be outside the norm, and/or they may have personal convictions through their faith. On that last, I do know many gay men who have told me that they never have felt any inner feelings of homosexuality being wrong. They resist homosexual desires purely out of their wish to adhere to the teachings of their faith, or the authority of the church (I commend them for this act of faith and submission, regardless if said authority or teaching is wrong).

Of the five means to determining homosexuality is wrong (and there may be others of which I am just not thinking about at this moment), I honestly am not sure which ones, if any, fully apply to me.  I know I am not nearly as inclined to believe homosexuality is wrong as I used to believe.

The bible does hold a great deal of weight on my decision making. However, I realize it may not be fully inclusive to God’s desires for us, having been written by flawed men with differing interpretations, perspectives, and even in some cases a lack of understanding (remember the disciples didn’t even fully understand Jesus’ teachings a great deal of the time, and Jesus himself expressed frustration about this—perhaps some of that same lack of understanding was at times translated or transferred into the Bible).

There have certainly been some strong occasions in which I believe the Holy Spirit has pressed upon me to either do or not do a particular thing. I have often felt led by Him, and accepted His direction for my life. At times, I have felt inclined to do certain things concerning homosexuality, which the Holy Spirit has discouraged me from doing. At other times, however, He has not discouraged me—at least in any way in which I could comprehend. And upon examination, I realize it is far too often those desires to rush out and into something probably pretty dangerous that He helps prevent, whereas those more loving, thoughtful desires to want to be with a particular person or another have not been so discouraged—a great many times there has been no discouragement that I could tell at all, but in fact an almost prodding to go ahead (I usually question these urges, in both regards, for rather long periods of time).

Concerning nature, I have to admit that I am influenced by the designs of our bodies to a great degree. It does not make sense to me that we would be designed for anything outside of heterosexuality. However, my nature has seldom, if ever, really called out against such activity. It has actually been those times when I did engage in heterosexual acts that felt in the strongest of ways to be unnatural [on this point, I want to make clear that I am not talking about masculinity, but sexual desires alone]. With this in mind, perhaps we are, to some extent, allowed more freedom over our bodies to interpret their functions than we would expect and allowed to oblige them. Even though we may not have been designed for homosexual engagements in the creation, our bodies may indeed be susceptible to them and may even be, at times, in favor of them. I will note on this point that even the animals, at times, engage in homosexual acts. If homosexuality is sinful, then I have to wonder whether or not even the animals are prone to sin as well. On this point, I have never heard of any teachings that that is the case. So, if the animals are free to express homosexual acts as a part of their nature, rather than sin, then is it not likely that human beings, too, may engage in such activities not as sin but of their nature? And if this is true, then could God really have such objections to it (granted that they are expressions of love rather than lust)? Could it not also be that animals, and the rest of nature, are stained by the fall just as much as we have been though—their very natures being just as twisted as ours as a result of the fall? I’m not sure.

This leads me next to consider our environments. I have for a very long time believed that one’s environment may prove to be, more than anything else, the root cause of their homosexuality. I can look at many environmental factors in my own life to at least suggest that this may have been the case for me (I have picked up on other noticeable environmental factors in the lives of others, too, though). This does not, however, prevent me from recognizing certain strong biological implications that may also play a part in the causation of homosexuality. But when I look at how I was raised and the things I was taught (whether academically or as life experience), I do see great reason to believe that my environment, even though perhaps causing me become homosexual, most likely also taught me that homosexuality is wrong more than anything else. I have certainly felt guilty or ashamed many times by the thought of going against those things I was taught, or raised to believe in. When I have been attracted to other men I have been reminded that other men think that is wrong, that the church preaches against such thoughts, that many in my family have openly disapproved of homosexuals, and that many others, in my presence, have far too often made fun of homosexuals. I have, to a great degree, been taught to feel ashamed and guilty of having such desires for other men. I do believe this was wrong, and in the last few years I have rejected such teachings and ways of thinking (maybe not entirely, but definitely for the most part). I have come to believe that these feelings, unless prompted by the Holy Spirit, are simply not of God, but rather manmade and sinful in themselves. That is not to suggest that people cannot believe as they see fit and proper on the matter—I do not wish to discourage anyone of their convictions—but just to say that a great many are lacking in their approach to others. One can believe that homosexual acts are wrong, and even discourage people from engaging in such acts, but I believe they should not do this by applications of guilt, shame, carelessness, anger, disregard, neglect, hate, or pride. Likewise, a person tempted to homosexuality, believing it is wrong, I believe would do far better to try to adhere to their beliefs much more from an academic acknowledgement, or response, of their faith, rather than as a response to poor emotion (again, I say this is proper unless otherwise pressed by the Holy Spirit, which may be difficult for a person to discern at times, I admit).

As a personal decision, I have accepted more than not that homosexuality is wrong for me to engage in. That is not to say that I have decided I am anything but homosexual based on any personal decision—I do not believe that is possible. However, anyone can choose, or make a decision, on how best to live their life. Just because I am gay, does not mean I have to be with another man. Nor does it mean I have to be with a woman. I can choose to be with no one if that serves me and the Lord best. At this time, I have chosen the latter. I have done this because I do not wish to rush into anything of which I still do not believe I fully understand; I have not yet fully been able to interpret God’s desire for me in this regard. Perhaps His desire is exactly for me to be of the mind, or opinion, I currently have, not wanting me to be with anyone at this time.

I do believe, regardless of one’s teachings, one’s nature, one’s urging of the Holy Spirit, or one’s understanding of the Bible (or anything else), that each person has to make up their own mind on the matter of homosexuality on their own. Is it right or wrong? Does God approve or disapprove? Is it good for me or bad for me? Each of these things must be decided upon by the individual. With free will, we must make our best decision. Some of us may make the wrong decision, and some may make the right decision. But it has to be a personal decision. I do not believe anyone can make it for us, nor should they try, nor should we ever fully accept any other person’s decision without having first given a great degree of thought about it on our own.

Let me know what you think. I’m curious to see how others believe, and to know just how a person does come to a belief that homosexuality is wrong—I’m curious to see if there are any overwhelming factors of similarities about this.

A Gentle Snow, A Darn Near Pointless Post

It is hard to believe that we are already in March, but here it is.  I have to say that I feel glad about it.  I know that Spring is just around the corner, which means Easter, Daylight Savings Time, and warmer weather.  I am feeling very anxious for that last part indeed.

So, the old saying is, "March comes in like a lion and out like a lamb".  This year, it hasn't entered like a lion at all, unless you consider a gentle, constant snow to be lion like.  It's been kind of nice to tell you the truth.  I'd hoped for a snow all week long, and it had been cold and cloudy all throughout to put me in the mood for such a thing.  As luck would have it, or providence, it finally started snowing yesterday.  It snowed nonstop, but didn't accumulate any.  Over night, however, it continued snowing, and with the temperature dropping, I awoke to see a very lovely snow covered field and woods behind the house.  It was and still is snowing as I write this, although not very much at the present.  It's been beautiful to watch.

In the next couple of weeks, there are lots of things for me to feel anxious about, or to hope for.  There are potential job openings that could come about, warmer weather is coming, summer vacation isn't too far off, and I've got all kinds of fun projects in the works.  I'm looking forward to a lot of it.

And the snow keeps falling... it's almost mesmerizing.

Dear Reader

An anonymous reader wrote the following comment to me regarding my last post. Because he or she questioned some of my motives concerning this blog, and my own dealings with homosexuality, I thought it relevant to simply respond in the fashion of a reply letter in the context of a post. If you are still out there, dear reader, this is for you.

ANONYMOUS WRITES:

Brandon,

To be honest with you I doubt your desire to "maybe reach out contact a few friends". It seems like you are longing for a deep connection.

And the reason you feel so uncertain about contacting the one person you seem to be expressing an intense interest in is probably because on some level your motives are not really in the right place, compounded by the fact that your relationship was never really that strong or honest.

If this was truly a friend in which you genuinly had a strong trust bond with, or both of your feelings were really in the right place, you probably would not feel so uncomfortable contacting him at this point in time.

It could be that inwardly you know the futility of the relationship, but may be projecting your feelings of loneliness onto him to satisfy what you percieve to be lacking in your life at this time.

It is a classic pattern of emotional dependance -- always searching for that which you know in your heart os out of reach, rather than being satisfied with the things you can create for yourself, with God's help of course.

I also want to share my thoughts regarding your blog title, since you put it out there for the world.

Apparently you get some form of an emotional fix out of identifying as gay. I find this to be a curious thing for those who believe homosexuality in immoral according to scripture and that it greatly displeases God.

This does not glorify God but the sin nature. God never condems sickness in scripture but he does condem sin. In stating such you also imply that homosexuality is a fixed state of being. It certailnly is not.

Every moment that you are not wrapped up in homosexual thinking, how can you call yourself gay?

As a man thinks so is he.

I also do not see why one would place links to homosexual sites if they do not believe homosexuality is morally upright.

Is it to appear cool and openminded, or do you wish to put a gun in the hand of vunerable individuals and say, oh just dont pull the trigger. Or here it is, just in case you want to pull the trigger.

In all honesty I do not think that if Christ were here in the flesh today and writing a blog that he would in fact place links to pro homosexual websites just in case anyone was interested.

There is enough information already out there for people who want pro gay information. Must you really contribute?

I happen to see this practice on a number of blogs and I find it to be quite a misguided practice by those who have a clouded view of Christ's message.

I have discovered that 99 percent of the time when I am in such deep emotional dispare and loneliness it is the result of me going off course with God and sin issues.

It is perhaps an uncomfortale truth, but it is the truth. Even as I sit and write this I deal with some of the same issues in a lot of ways.

But God is always faithful and when we are truly willing to give up the idols we cling to the sun begins to break forth and shine.

It may be time to rise above your struggles and feelings and let go of the gay identity as well as any inference that you support the activities and mindsets that God tells us through scripture that he hates.

MY REPLY:

Dear Anonymous,

I think you are reading too much into my last post and didn’t entirely understand what I was getting at. All I was trying to express was that it has been a long time since I made contact with a few friends, and they are friends that I miss a great deal. They are close friends, and I do trust them emphatically. The problem is that I sometimes struggle to a great degree being able to interact with others. This includes people I am close to. It is not that I feel ashamed of contacting them or that I have any ulterior motives to our friendships to feel conflicted about, but rather a certain almost inability to be sociable at times. It is just hard for me to know how to interact with others; and this is something that has recently prevented me from reaching out to a few friends who I haven’t been able to be around for some time now.

I often wonder if the reason for this is that I fear rejection—something Naturgesetz suggested in his comment to my last post. A lot of it, I’m sure goes back to those feelings of inferiority that I mentioned a couple of posts back though. Maybe I’m just afraid of putting myself out there and worrying too much of what others are going to think of me. For whatever the reason, all I can say is that it is just difficult for me to be around others sometimes.

As for emotional dependency, that is not a theory that I put much stock into. Of course people can get a bit obsessive at times, and there really are some people out there who are just mentally unstable and place more into a relationship than ever should have been merited. However, emotional dependency, as I believe you to be defining it, is a contradiction on many levels. There is nothing wrong with having your emotions tied to some extent in the relationships you have with others. This is only natural, seeing that relationships cannot sustain without some level of emotion between the two parties involved. It should feel good to be around certain people we like, admire, love, or care for. One should just keep in mind that good feelings and good friends do not always go hand in hand. You can be around good friends and still not feel good. But to enjoy and want to spend time with others, especially for someone like me who rarely ever spends time around anyone, should not be considered such a bad thing. I honestly believe God made us to desire being in relationship with each other and that it is a healthy thing for us.

As for the title of my blog and identifying as gay, or homosexual, I do that because I consider it to be a form of honesty on my part. I suppose I should define my terms though.

I identify as gay not because I regularly have sex with other men, but because I am attracted to other men. I define myself as gay on this blog because I have dedicated this blog to discussing that particular part of my life. I do not go around thinking of myself as gay, or thinking about gay things, all day long though. I am just me living my life. But this blog does deal with that part of my life concerning my attractions to other men. I label myself as gay because, to me, anyone who is sexually attracted to others of the same sex is gay. I am therefore gay by that definition.

By that standard, I am neither glorifying nor condemning sin by admitting my sexual preference, but simply stating a fact of my being. I am a man who is sexually attracted to other men. It is no different than me stating the color of my hair, the color of my eyes, my height, weight, complexion, or personality type. And, rather than lie and say that I am straight, or attracted to women, when I am not, I would rather just be honest and admit the current state I am in.

Now, about posting links to sites that promote homosexuality. I include those sites on my blog because they are written by people I like, who cover certain topics at times which I think do help people who are struggling with their sexuality. I am also not opposed to listening to the arguments or opinions of people I disagree with. It has nothing to do with wanting or trying to look cool, and certainly has nothing to do with trying to tempt others. If you have been tempted because of my blog, I apologize for that. It was not my attempt, nor desire to cause such a thing.

Concerning what Christ would do today, in all honesty to you, I do not think Christ would turn a blind eye, disavow, push away, ignore, belittle, or pretend that homosexuals or others engaged in sin simply do not exist. Jesus was a friend to sinners. He ate with them, spoke to them, helped them, and even loved them, which was something the Pharisees couldn’t understand and hated him for. If I am doing anything, it is attempting to live by Christ’s example. I am a friend to sinners and I will not push them away. Likewise, I will not refuse to hear them out when their views differ from my own, nor turn my back on them when or if they ever need my help or a shoulder to fall back on. How else could I ever know them, the problems they face, or ever truly be able to disciple to them?

Furthermore, if you have read much of my blog at all, you should know that my mind is not 100% made up on whether or not I believe God indeed does condemn homosexual acts. I tend to believe more often than not that he does condemn, or disapprove, of them. I do, however, have some very real doubts about that. I have several reasons to believe that God might actually not have any problems with homosexual relationships. If having that doubt causes me to appear open-minded, that is because my mind, to some extent, is open on the matter and not completely solidified yet behind either position. Be this right or wrong, it is where I am at right now.

As for despair and loneliness, I do think those can be caused, as you said, by going off course from God or by indulging or falling into sin. Despair, or hopelessness, in particular, really is a lack of faith. It can only truly exist when we lose our faith in God’s will, His protection, or His judgment. It is simply giving up hope when we should have every reason to hope through God. Loneliness, on the other hand, I believe can be caused by more than our own actions though. Sometimes we may just not be able to be around others through reasons not necessarily of our own making, and be lonely simply by missing them or missing regular forms of human contact. Sin, in general, however, can be the result of many things. I do not always fault a person, nor do I believe God always condemns a person, for all the sins they commit. Nor do I believe that every bad feeling or every problem a person experiences in life is due to themselves having committed some sin. We should learn this from the story of Job if nothing else.

I appreciate your concern for me. I know that is why you commented to me in the first place. I hope I have clarified my positions and thoughts somewhat more clearly though. And I hope you can understand, whether I am right or wrong, the mindset from which I have based my decisions. I know I have been wrong about a lot of things in my life, and that I have committed many sins. I am far from a perfect person, and I’m sure I require all the patience and forgiveness from God He is willing to give me. With these things in mind, I will continue to think upon the concerns and advice you have given me.

Sincerely,

Brandon

M.I.A.

I seem to be at a loss of words, though I know I really do need to speak and reach out. Call it whatever you will, but there really are times when I find myself for a loss of words. I’ve wanted desperately to write to a few friends today, but I haven’t been able to think of what in the world I’d even say to them. It’s been so long since I’ve written to them.

Would a friend mind if you wrote, called, or visited after a long absence? Would the friendship still be the same? What if you literally don’t have the slightest idea about what’s even going on in their lives? One friend of mine, I really don’t have a clue what’s going on with him: where he’s living at now, what job he’s doing, if he even has a job, etc. And I wonder whether or not too much time has passed now for us to have the same sort of close friendship we used to have. Does he even really consider me a friend anymore? And why hasn’t he written back to me? Why haven’t I visited, called, or written to him lately? And has it even been that long? Would I be annoying him or coming across too clingy or desperate to contact him right now?

I can be so full of self-doubt sometimes that it’s ridiculous. I’m probably worrying about nothing, filling my head full of a bunch of nonsense. I should probably just drop a few lines including a greeting and a quick “Hi! How are you?” and move along. But why do I find this so hard to do? Why can’t I just reach out to people? Why must any form of human contact always be so difficult for me?

Inferior

I have often felt very different from other men, and until more recent years, found it nearly impossible to identify with them on almost anything. Because of this, I have felt inferior to them, as if I was somehow less than them. There are many reasons for this, some of which date as far back as when I was an infant. And it’s been a great struggle at times dealing with this.

After years of looking at other men as if they were better, I have come to realize that on a very human level, no one is better than me—and I am no better than anyone else. Everyone has a weakness, or many weaknesses. Everyone struggles with something, falls short at times, or hasn’t always lived up to their fullest potential. I am no different.

Being gay is something that has often bothered me. Growing up and developing those attractions to other men was never anything I wanted. And when they did develop, I fought them with everything I could. But I know that being gay is something that made me feel so much lesser than other men. I knew that nearly all other men were attracted to women, that that was the normal way of things, and yet I wasn’t “normal” in that regard. I knew I didn’t act as much like other men either, or have a lot of the same sort of likes or interests (things I was frequently made fun of for while growing up). I have never enjoyed sports of most kinds, and those I did enjoy, very few other men I knew ever did. There are just a lot of differences I’ve recognized over the years between myself and other men like that. And, until recent years, these were differences that I allowed to ruin my self-image and self-worth.

I have never wanted to believe that I could hate myself, but looking back over much of my life, I can see that I have done just that for a good portion of it. I haven’t liked myself very much, and have at times even hated myself.

Over the course of the last few years, I’ve been brought to a very certain conclusion though: I am not less than others. I don’t have to be perfect; I’m not perfect. And I don’t have to allow what others think of me to dictate how I think of me. I can’t please everyone, and there’s no reason for me to try to. I just have to be me, and enjoy being me. I have to be the person God knows and loves and wants. That’s what really matters more than anything else. And when I know that, what is there to feel inferior about?

I feel so much sorrow for other gay men or youths who can’t ever seem to grasp how wonderful they really are. It saddens my heart to hear of a person who has killed himself or herself because they are gay (or for any other reason really). I know there is no good reason for a person to feel bad about being gay. And it is an inexcusable travesty for any person to purposefully try to make a person feel bad about things they cannot control about themselves. I do not believe I can control who I find attractive, nor what color my skin is, nor my height, nor my ethnicity, nor my place of origin. Some things just are, and those things should be okay. They shouldn’t be ridiculed or placed at a lesser value than whatever is traditionally considered the “norm”.

Too often I look back at my life and wish for things to be as they used to be. But in this regard, I certainly do not. I don’t miss those old feelings of inferiority. I don’t miss thinking, believing, and feeling like I was some sort of a freak, unworthy of even occupying the same space as others.

Certain things really do get better the older you get. You begin to realize how unimportant the beliefs of others can be. You begin to realize how much better your life can be if you just learn to live it in the way that’s only truly best for you. You begin to realize how imperfect others are as well—even the ones you believed were the most perfect people in all of the world. You can begin to experience true freedom and self worth.

I know I’m not perfect. But I also know that I really do like a lot of things about me. And I know that I’m not inferior to anyone else. Nor is anyone else inferior.