Hello, Old Friends

Well, it's been nearly a year since I've written on this thing.  I always thought if I quit writing, I'd miss it too much.  The truth is, I've not really missed this blog at all.  If anything, I've felt rather conflicted about it, and wondered if it wouldn't be better for me to just bring it down and toss it into the trash heap of history.

A lot has happened in my life this last year.  I had my first boyfriend, lost him in about a month's time, lost contact with some others I really liked online, nearly lost my grandpa due to some health concerns, suffered a horrible job situation back in the summer, fell into a severe bout of depression, changed jobs, have found a lot of happiness with the new job, worried about everything and nothing, gained weight, lost weight, changed hairstyles, and so on and so on.

I got really tired of being online last year.  I felt hurt.  I'd found a great deal of help concerning my sexuality through online resources, particularly from those related to Exodus International and through other websites and blogs.  I didn't experience the horror stories that I've heard others express, but rather a listening ear, a comforting shoulder to lean on, an ability to express myself, and friendship that didn't exist before.  Whether the advice I was given was solid or not, I at the very least received love and care, which, to a young man who felt he had nowhere else to turn, welcomed it with open arms, and cannot say that it in any way ever hurt him.  I felt discouraged that the very things that helped me were being ridiculed and brought down, and in part from within.  Having had a year to think upon this, I'd advocate that the exgay community taking such a hit was, in my opinion, a good thing.  I don't think it matters in the least little bit whether a person is gay or straight, but whether or not they actually believe in and accept Jesus as their lord and savior.  I don't think the how or why regarding causation of homosexuality matters either.  If it is, it just is.  If you are attracted to other men, it is just a state of one's condition, no different than the sky being blue on cloudless day, it is simply reality.  To deny that reality, or attempt to change it for earthly reasons, is nothing short of foolish and ignorant at best.

I wish we lived in a world where being gay was not assumed to automatically put you at odds with the church, or Christianity.  Likewise, I wish more Christians did not automatically presume that all gays are against them, or believe that they should be against all gays.  I am gay.  I like other men.  I'm still not sure if to act on those feelings are right or wrong, but I do know that simply having them is not.  I do know that God loves me regardless.  I know that my faith is not dependent upon those feelings, or even any actions I might make upon them.  Hence, the conflict I have regarding this blog.  Can it help others to read of my experiences?  Can it be beneficial for others to see how ignorant I believe I was and yet how I have changed over time?  Have I anything left to say that could actually help others?  Perhaps, but I will admit that I am so tired of reading and thinking about faith and sexuality.  I have very little desire left in me to want to indulge in anyway conversations, arguments, or whatever else concerning such matters.  Maybe that in itself is some progress on my part--whether good or bad, I'm sure time will tell.

I'd be lying if I didn't say I feel ashamed of myself for some of my past beliefs.  I have argued and been wrong on many accounts.  I've been ignorant, proud, lazy, stubborn, quick to anger...  probably in other ways wrong as well.  And this blog gave me an outlet to express all those things.  How could I not feel conflicted about it?

I also got very tired of being online because of the nature of the relationship I had with my boyfriend.  He was wonderful, and I know I was in love with him, but we were never able to actually be together.  We met online and carried out what I would imagine to be a very intense online relationship for about a month, and then he was gone--all accounts deleted.  I have no idea what became of him, other than he wanted me to know that no matter what happened he loved me.  I spent many months pining away for him at the start of the year, wondering without answer what had happened.  Perhaps I'll never know.  Again, however, this was a hurt that quite literally just made me want for nothing at all related to the online world.  I'd found him online...  I didn't even want to check my email for awhile or even look at my computer.  To do so just hurt too much.

I am wrong sometimes to turn so inward and neglect all those around me, but there are times when I simply cannot bring myself to be around others.  I was so discouraged and depressed with some of the job situation I experienced a few months back that I couldn't bring myself to be around anyone.  If I was, I couldn't think of anything positive to say, and I'm sure I was far from the best of company anyway to those I did manage to be around.  In this situation, I can attest to the power of prayer though.  It's true that at our lowest we often turn most to God, and this is something I've done quite seriously.  God has answered my prayers for a better job, and led me to a place where I couldn't be any happier working at.  He has blessed me so richly the last couple of months that I have literally found myself speechless and amazed.  He's comforted me throughout all this last year time and again when I needed him the most.  He's proven Himself to me time and again.  It is for this acknowledgement that I am writing again on this blog.  If this blog serves any purpose whatsoever, I want it to be for the very least in order to attest to the power and greatness of God.  If anything, let my story be for that.  Not about whether I am/was gay or straight, or how any of those feelings came about, or what actions I might incorrectly or correctly have made, but that a young man held onto God and God was with Him, regardless of anything else.  Take comfort in knowing that.

In case I don't write again this year, I want to wish anyone reading this a very merry Christmas.  :)

Damaged Goods

I can’t sleep…

I’ve felt really down the last couple of days. I have these spells. I’ll feel on top of the world and the next thing I know I feel like everything in the world’s crashing down around me. I know I suffer from depression. This has been a problem for me for a long time now. Why in the world I haven’t gotten help for this already is beyond me. Maybe it’s too much pride to admit it face to face to anyone, or maybe… well, no, I’d say that’s exactly it: too much pride.

I always miss people…

I’ve missed my grandma terribly lately. She passed away about this time two years ago, right around Thanksgiving. That was such a horrible time. Maybe it’s just the fact that Thanksgiving is coming up, or maybe it’s just that my mind has been flooded of thoughts or reminders of her lately, but I’m missing her so much it hurts.

I miss several old friends as well: people I used to go to school with, people I used to work with, people I used to go to church with, and kids I used to teach.

I don’t feel good.

I have so many insecurities it isn’t even funny. My self-confidence is virtually nonexistent, and I’m so full of doubts it’s driving me crazy.

I wish I’d done so many things different in my life. I wish I’d told so many of those assholes who made fun of me in middle school and high school to go fuck themselves and had just done what I wanted, not caring about what they thought of me. I wish I’d flirted back to some of the guys who actually showed an interest in me. I wish I’d not let some of the people from church drive me away from it. I wish I’d tried harder to make friends earlier on…

Damn it!

I hate feeling this way…

I feel tired all the time. I feel weak. And I never seem to have enough time in the day. I have all these dreams and goals and wants, and they seem to never materialize. Or, if they do, it’s just so little by little that it’s frustrating to say the least. It leaves me feeling fairly hopeless at times…

I’ve felt pretty bad about being gay lately, too. This, like depression, seems to come and go at random and without any real cause that I can pinpoint… no, that’s not quite true either, at least not this time. I know what triggered it. I subbed for a few sixth grade classes lately and in a couple of those classes I had to listen to some students talking trash about homosexuals. “That’s gross! That’s weird! They’re going to hell! God hates gays! That person’s gay because of that, and this one because of this.” I hear this from students I like, and it cuts me to the quick. I tell them not to talk that way, but that’s about all I can do to stop them. Afterward, I always feel bad. I always wonder what they’d think of me if they knew I was gay. I always wonder if they’d turn from liking me to hating me. And then I fear that if anyone did know, I’d just wind up losing my job. After all, no one wants a fag teaching their kids.

I don’t even think I’ll post this. If I do, I guess it’ll just be to maybe get a few extra prayers, I don’t know. Maybe in some way it can help someone else who suffers this late night insomnia depression to know they aren’t alone.

What Straight Christians Think About Gays

Hi!  My name is Brandon, and I approve of the above message.

Sorry, I've been following politics too much lately.  :)

For a long time now, I've been saying that our definitions do not completely gel.  When homosexuals speak, Christians hear something completely different far too much of the time.  The same is true for when Christians speak as well; homosexuals hear something different than what is meant.

I think this poll/video demonstrates so clearly how we have a major breakdown in communication right now among the Church and homosexuals.  So many Christians really do care about homosexuals, but the vast majority of homosexuals do not believe that.  And, the big cause, really, is due to how we interpret and understand each other--far too often, incorrectly.

I hope there are those on both sides of the divide who can and will watch this and take away something very meaningful from it.  Hopefully it'll help us to understand each other far better, and to change some of the approaches in how we interact with and think about each other.

Gay in Russia

Apparently, Russia has decided to get tough on homosexuals, passing laws and regulations designed to harass, discriminate, and essentially keep homosexuals in the closet and on the fringe of society.

I thought the world—especially countries that claim to be developed and civilized at this point, like Russia—had moved beyond some of this crap. I guess not.

So, I came across the following video the other day. It shows a fifteen year old gay teen boy being lured into entrapment by a group of people who claim to want to help him, but who obviously only really want to embarrass, harass, and torment him. Watch it for yourself. Then read my thoughts on it.



Okay, so first off, I think the people who tricked this kid are monsters. Even though they claimed to want to help him, they certainly seemed bent on wanting to belittle and harass him more than anything else—they wouldn’t let him leave, they got right in his face, they threatened him with violence and were somewhat violent, and they told him they were going to tell everyone at his school and on Facebook what he’d done. In my opinion, these people were nothing more than violent and heartless—as I already said: monsters.

As for the kid, I think he was most likely gay, even though he claimed not to be. I mean, if I was ambushed in such a way I’d probably claim not to be gay as well. I do think it was a bad idea for him to try meeting up with a stranger for paid sex. Although, in a culture that treats homosexuals with such contempt, this may have been the only way this young kid believed he could actually meet up with other gay people. So, I can, without excusing his behavior, at the very least have an honest understanding about it. There again, maybe he just really needed the money. Regardless of his reasons for being there, he did not deserve to be treated the way he was. He was just fifteen years old. More than likely he really hadn’t been in such activities before or even really been involved in any capacity with other guys before. His parents and friends didn’t know he was gay. He was scared. I mean, what part of what these other people did to him did they think was legitimately helping him? If anything, this particular experience will probably only cause him to have problems—emotional and otherwise.

I pray that he will be okay.

Human rights have never been anything strong in Russia. Throughout communist rule, in particular, there were many people abused on a systematic and frequent basis. The current president of Russia, Vladimir Putin, seems pretty determined on reverting back to the old ways, and his policies have achieved that in many regards. I wish the people of Russia would realize what harm they’re doing and would change some of their attitudes and laws.

I’ve had people mistreat me for being gay before. Most of those people didn’t even know for sure, but only perceived that I was gay. I’ve been called names and been threatened with violence.  I’ve had people completely turn away from me because they either knew or thought I was gay. It sucks to be treated like that. It sucks to be treated like a lesser person, of little or no value, simply because of something about me that I never asked for, didn’t want, and couldn’t change.

I don’t understand why people can’t just leave others alone. Why do they feel that they have to interfere in the lives of everybody else; condemning, belittling, and judging people as though they are somehow flawless themselves?

There are two things I think everyone should keep in mind. The first to the love their neighbors as themselves, and the second is to worry less about the speck in everyone else’s eyes while they have planks in their own. The world would certainly be a far better place if more people would adhere to these two things, or to at the very least attempt to live by them.

I am a gay man. Some people may not like that about me, some people may not want to accept that about me, some people may not want to hear it or know it at all, and may want to treat me like total crap because of it, but it is a part of who I am. It just is what it is, and it’s not anything that I, or anyone else, should be mistreated for. When people do act that way, I try not to let it get me down. I know in my heart that I am who I am, that I do have value and worth, and that even despite all my flaws, God does want and love me. No words or actions on the part of anyone else can ever take that away from me.

I hope and pray that the kid in this video can come to a similar understanding and won’t let what happened to him get him down.

Gabriel Tells It Like It Is

http://mudbloodcatholic.blogspot.com/2013/07/why-not-ex-gay-part-iii-if-its-broke.html

There’s “no bloody point”. That’s for sure. There is no reason in the world for anyone to feel bad about being gay. And there is absolutely no reason in the world to try changing your sexual orientation. Just let it be what it is, don’t worry about it, and don’t let it get you down.

Go back five or ten years ago and it would have been unthinkable for me to believe these things. But with many years under my belt, many years of trying to change my sexual orientation, and much knowledge gained throughout that time, I can say that this is absolutely true.

God may not have meant for anyone to be gay. I don’t know that. For all I know, maybe he did. But what I do know is that a person’s sexual orientation, or their sexual attractions, does not matter in the least little bit. It’s what you do with those attractions that can make a difference.

If you believe homosexual sexual experiences are sinful, in conjunction with traditional Christian thought and teaching, then you should abstain from them, lest you be in sin. If you do not believe they are sinful, contrary to traditional Christian thought and teaching, then let your conscience be your guide (that means that maybe you are sinning, but that depends on what is undeniable truth, something that none of us might ever know beyond any shadow of a doubt in this lifetime, and which could go either way according to our understanding of the truth and upon how we are judged).

I have reasons to believe homosexual sexual experiences are sinful and reasons to believe that they are not. I’m not one-hundred percent sure what is the truth. Certain things, I believe, may not be entirely accurate or as well thought through as they should have been concerning traditional teachings. However, certain other things concerning traditional teachings do hold some weight for me. I can see how perhaps God did not intend for anyone to be gay (at least in the beginning) and how there is an element to heterosexual sexual experiences (through marriage) being of a greater design, at least in regards to being able to produce something totally new through the union of such a couple. However, I can also see how certain authors of the bible and others throughout Christian past might have based their beliefs against homosexuality on certain untruths—probably unintentionally, but perhaps also out of certain cultural biases or misunderstandings at the time in which they lived. I can also see how biblical teaching may have been misunderstood throughout the years through varying translations and the like of the original texts.

Something I’ve learned is that throughout Christianity, there are people (both gay and straight) who have believed differently on this matter. Some people believe traditional teaching is truth, therefore making homosexual experiences sinful, while others believe traditional teaching is wrong, making homosexual experiences okay. Perhaps anything anyone can ever really do to know which stance to take on this matter is to allow the Holy Spirit to influence them, and to dictate their beliefs and actions upon that influence.

But, again, I say there is no reason in the world to worry about what your sexual orientation might be. If you are gay, so what? You’re not sinning just by being gay, or by having sexual attractions or desires for those of the same sex. Depending on your beliefs, you’re only completely natural, or you’re just being tempted. That is all—so long as we’re only talking about attractions and desires, rather than actions taken upon them.

Please read Gabriel’s article about this (the link above). He is a very wise old friend of mine and he can write about these things so much better than I can.

I know what I’m saying may be very difficult for some people reading this to accept. I’ve been there and done that. As I said, go back just a few years ago and I’d have not believed this at all. I was so convinced that I was just some sort of freak that I couldn’t see the truth. I couldn’t see how much love God really has for me, or how little one’s sexual orientation really does matter in the grand scheme of things. I’m not asking you to trust me about this though. I’m just asking that you keep an open mind and try not to hold something that you may dislike about yourself over your head. Don’t let it ruin your self-esteem. Don’t let it destroy your value as a human being. And don’t ever allow anyone else to do those things to you either—whether concerning your sexuality or anything else about you.

Exodus No More

I think the earliest I ever realized I liked other guys in a romantic sense was when I was in the fifth grade. I was sitting out on the playground with a few friends and one of them started talking about and making fun of “queers” and “fags” (those were his words). I remember not really knowing what he was talking about, and so I asked him. He said it was guys who like other guys. At that moment, I knew exactly what he was talking about. I’d already been noticing other guys in that way. What I learned from this is that if I didn’t want to be made fun of or lose any friends, I’d better keep my thoughts to myself. More than that, I learned that I didn’t want to be gay.

Throughout middle school and high school, I was made fun of a lot by other guys who thought I was gay. There were lots of jokes and innuendos. Maybe no more than anyone else experiences, but it was still enough to make me feel as though there was something wrong with me.

I heard people at church and at home, friends, and family alike, talk about how homosexuality is a sin. I read the bible and concluded the same thing. I believed it is, and to some extent still believe it might be, a sin for two men to be in a sexual relationship with each other. But I believed something far worse, too. I believed it was sinful simply to have those sorts of attractions. I believed there was something about me that wasn’t supposed to be. I believed there was something wrong with me.

After high school, I experienced a really lonely and confusing time in my life. And it got so bad—I struggled so bad—that I very nearly took my own life. Thankfully, I was too scared to do it, and cared too much for my family to put them through such a thing, to carry it out. Thankfully, God heard my prayers for help and guided me back onto solid pavement.

After a very poignant rescue, and another month or two of thinking things through, I determined not to worry anymore about being gay. I realized if God would save my life as He did, that He must not have abandoned me. I knew in my heart that even if others may hate me for being gay, God didn’t. I felt a great deal of hope from that, and I used that hope to turn my life around. I put aside thoughts of taking my life, worked to build up my faith, to work harder on finishing goals in life, and to simply try my best not to give into temptations to sin. I determined that so long as I wasn’t actually giving in to my desires to be with another man, the temptations I felt to do that were nothing more than temptations. I determined that those temptations were not sinful in and of themselves. I still, however, cared about what others might think of me. So, I still tried to keep my sexuality to myself.

In 2005, my brother found out I was gay. His response was one of total rejection. It meant a lot then, and it still means a lot to me now, what my brother thinks. His response literally threw me into one of the worst states of depression I’ve ever been in. It opened up many old wounds and made me question a lot of my decisions. It made me question the hope I’d previously found. And it made me determine more than ever that I didn’t want to be gay anymore.

I ended up at a point where I knew I needed help. I knew I needed to be able to talk to someone about my struggles with homosexuality. But I couldn’t bring myself to actually do any talking with anyone about it. I went online instead and eventually came across Exodus International. I read the testimonies and some of the books listed on their website and connected to their message.  I felt understood for the first time in my life.

I eventually found a wonderful Christian minister through Exodus who was willing to counsel me. He was actually willing to listen to me. He was never judgmental. He never pushed me do anything I didn’t want to do or wasn’t willing to try. He was just kind to me. He offered advice, encouragement, prayers, and a shoulder to lean on. I owe him so much for the help he gave me.

Yesterday, I found out Exodus International will be shutting down.

I don’t know exactly how to feel about this. On one hand I feel a profound sadness about it; sadness, because I know how much I was helped through Exodus, and how much others have been helped by them. On the other hand, I feel it is for the best.

I can’t deny what help, what hope, strength, encouragement, and wisdom I gained through Exodus. They helped me not only feel more understood, but for me to understand myself better as well. I made friends through them. I started this blog (in a roundabout way) because of them. Knowing all of this, I don’t see how I can ever completely say that Exodus’ closing is a good thing.

However, I will concede that Exodus’ closing may truly bring about a great deal of good. I know not everyone Exodus worked with was helped as I was. Seeing so many negative responses toward Exodus now and throughout the last few years, it really has made me wonder if maybe I simply lucked out for some reason. I do believe, perhaps, that I understood their message slightly differently than most others. I was never told that changing my sexuality should be a real goal of mine, only that it was possible for God to bring about such a change—and that if it happened, it would be His doing above any efforts of my own. Perhaps others were told something different, or perhaps they understood it differently than I did, I don’t know. But I will say now, as I have many times before, that Exodus’ approach was not the best.

Reparative therapy is not the best approach to use when dealing with someone struggling with their sexuality. Exodus used, believed in, and advocated those practices throughout the years. I don’t believe they work. That is, I don’t believe they can ever really help bring about a change in one’s sexual orientation. The only reparative therapies I was ever willing to engage in were gender role related, and I can say that they helped me better understand myself and know how to better relate to other men. Rather than be a sort of blank slate as I felt I was beforehand, they helped me figure out and embrace those things I like best about being male. But these therapies, I certainly do believe can and have brought about a lot of pain for a lot of people, including false hope.

What I would really like to see happen out of Exodus’ closing is that a new bridge can be created between the Church and LGBT individuals. I would love to see those who worked for Exodus, or who was helped by Exodus, go forth and bring awareness to those issues which unnecessarily, undesirably, and regrettably separate LGBT individuals and otherwise from inclusion in the Church. Reading the reasons for which Exodus is being closed, I do find some hope that that will happen. For that reason, I can’t be too very sad to see Exodus come to an end. From its death, I see and hope for a new birth—the result being something far better than what was before.

With that in mind, I pray, “Lord, please help your Church be able to better reach out to others. Please help us to make a positive difference in the lives of others and to show them your love and grace. Please help us to better understand each other, Lord, and to be more accepting, forgiving, and smarter in our dealings with others. In your son Jesus’ name I pray. Amen.”

What Makes it Wrong?

I read a comment on another blog recently that got me to thinking about how people reach the conclusion that homosexuality is wrong. In this particular comment, the commenter suggested that he sort of instinctively knew that he was doing something wrong the first time he engaged in homosexual activity. Others have told him that they didn’t know there was anything wrong with it until they came to their faith and accepted Christ.

What other means do people come to this belief? In all, I have thought of five means total.

One: the bible tells us so. As simplistic as that sounds, some people really do accept morals singularly from this source. From my own perspective, the bible does hold a lot of weight with me. It is one of the greatest works of the Holy Spirit ever. So, to deny or prevent its influence, I believe, is foolhardy at best.

Two: God teaches it is wrong through conviction of the Holy Spirit. I believe this could be true. If we are saved in the faith, I have no doubt at all that God will use the Holy Spirit to convict us of our sins (I would argue that He would do this even if we are not yet saved as well). If homosexual acts truly are sinful, then I am positive the Holy Spirit would try to convict us of that in order to enlighten us and spur us into changing our ways.

Three: Our nature’s fight against it. If we are truly designed as human beings only for heterosexual expressions of sex, then our nature will work to make us comply; when we go against it, it will let us know. For instance, if we chew on broken glass, we are likely to experience pain because our mouths are not designed in such a way to handle chewing on anything as sharp as that. Upon first bite, and that first puncture of the flesh, most of us would instinctively spit out the glass and never try to chew on it again. Our nature has cried out to us not to do that thing again. It could be the same for homosexuality. When we engage in homosexual acts, our bodies may in some way try to warn us against that. We may, too, be convinced by the functions of our design. Even though it is possible for two men or two women to engage in sexual acts together, their bodies are not designed for that function—the ultimate [note that I do not say only] goal of sex being procreation, something that only man and woman together can achieve. So we may be convinced that homosexuality is wrong simply by the designs of our bodies, the very nature of our biological design.

Four: We are taught that homosexual acts are wrong through environmental influences. When we see heterosexuality being the norm, see others make fun of homosexuals, and hear others preach against homosexuality, it only stands to reason that we may be influenced towards those ways of thinking, or allow those ways of thinking to influence our decisions. If we are raised in an environment very gay friendly, however, we may be less inclined to have any real problems, or concerns, about homosexuality. We may, in essence, view it more favorably, having fewer instances of its rejection or disapproval to model after. So, in those ways, I believe our environments can influence us into either believing it more or less acceptable.

Five: It is a personal decision. Anyone who decides that homosexuality is wrong must of course come to this decision, in the end, on their own. That is to say that no one can make this decision for you. This personal decision could be that homosexuality is wrong in the immoral sense, but also something determined wrong for one’s life, or course, as well. Many gay men and women do choose to pursue a life outside of homosexuality. There can be many reasons for this. They may want children, they may not want to be outside the norm, and/or they may have personal convictions through their faith. On that last, I do know many gay men who have told me that they never have felt any inner feelings of homosexuality being wrong. They resist homosexual desires purely out of their wish to adhere to the teachings of their faith, or the authority of the church (I commend them for this act of faith and submission, regardless if said authority or teaching is wrong).

Of the five means to determining homosexuality is wrong (and there may be others of which I am just not thinking about at this moment), I honestly am not sure which ones, if any, fully apply to me.  I know I am not nearly as inclined to believe homosexuality is wrong as I used to believe.

The bible does hold a great deal of weight on my decision making. However, I realize it may not be fully inclusive to God’s desires for us, having been written by flawed men with differing interpretations, perspectives, and even in some cases a lack of understanding (remember the disciples didn’t even fully understand Jesus’ teachings a great deal of the time, and Jesus himself expressed frustration about this—perhaps some of that same lack of understanding was at times translated or transferred into the Bible).

There have certainly been some strong occasions in which I believe the Holy Spirit has pressed upon me to either do or not do a particular thing. I have often felt led by Him, and accepted His direction for my life. At times, I have felt inclined to do certain things concerning homosexuality, which the Holy Spirit has discouraged me from doing. At other times, however, He has not discouraged me—at least in any way in which I could comprehend. And upon examination, I realize it is far too often those desires to rush out and into something probably pretty dangerous that He helps prevent, whereas those more loving, thoughtful desires to want to be with a particular person or another have not been so discouraged—a great many times there has been no discouragement that I could tell at all, but in fact an almost prodding to go ahead (I usually question these urges, in both regards, for rather long periods of time).

Concerning nature, I have to admit that I am influenced by the designs of our bodies to a great degree. It does not make sense to me that we would be designed for anything outside of heterosexuality. However, my nature has seldom, if ever, really called out against such activity. It has actually been those times when I did engage in heterosexual acts that felt in the strongest of ways to be unnatural [on this point, I want to make clear that I am not talking about masculinity, but sexual desires alone]. With this in mind, perhaps we are, to some extent, allowed more freedom over our bodies to interpret their functions than we would expect and allowed to oblige them. Even though we may not have been designed for homosexual engagements in the creation, our bodies may indeed be susceptible to them and may even be, at times, in favor of them. I will note on this point that even the animals, at times, engage in homosexual acts. If homosexuality is sinful, then I have to wonder whether or not even the animals are prone to sin as well. On this point, I have never heard of any teachings that that is the case. So, if the animals are free to express homosexual acts as a part of their nature, rather than sin, then is it not likely that human beings, too, may engage in such activities not as sin but of their nature? And if this is true, then could God really have such objections to it (granted that they are expressions of love rather than lust)? Could it not also be that animals, and the rest of nature, are stained by the fall just as much as we have been though—their very natures being just as twisted as ours as a result of the fall? I’m not sure.

This leads me next to consider our environments. I have for a very long time believed that one’s environment may prove to be, more than anything else, the root cause of their homosexuality. I can look at many environmental factors in my own life to at least suggest that this may have been the case for me (I have picked up on other noticeable environmental factors in the lives of others, too, though). This does not, however, prevent me from recognizing certain strong biological implications that may also play a part in the causation of homosexuality. But when I look at how I was raised and the things I was taught (whether academically or as life experience), I do see great reason to believe that my environment, even though perhaps causing me become homosexual, most likely also taught me that homosexuality is wrong more than anything else. I have certainly felt guilty or ashamed many times by the thought of going against those things I was taught, or raised to believe in. When I have been attracted to other men I have been reminded that other men think that is wrong, that the church preaches against such thoughts, that many in my family have openly disapproved of homosexuals, and that many others, in my presence, have far too often made fun of homosexuals. I have, to a great degree, been taught to feel ashamed and guilty of having such desires for other men. I do believe this was wrong, and in the last few years I have rejected such teachings and ways of thinking (maybe not entirely, but definitely for the most part). I have come to believe that these feelings, unless prompted by the Holy Spirit, are simply not of God, but rather manmade and sinful in themselves. That is not to suggest that people cannot believe as they see fit and proper on the matter—I do not wish to discourage anyone of their convictions—but just to say that a great many are lacking in their approach to others. One can believe that homosexual acts are wrong, and even discourage people from engaging in such acts, but I believe they should not do this by applications of guilt, shame, carelessness, anger, disregard, neglect, hate, or pride. Likewise, a person tempted to homosexuality, believing it is wrong, I believe would do far better to try to adhere to their beliefs much more from an academic acknowledgement, or response, of their faith, rather than as a response to poor emotion (again, I say this is proper unless otherwise pressed by the Holy Spirit, which may be difficult for a person to discern at times, I admit).

As a personal decision, I have accepted more than not that homosexuality is wrong for me to engage in. That is not to say that I have decided I am anything but homosexual based on any personal decision—I do not believe that is possible. However, anyone can choose, or make a decision, on how best to live their life. Just because I am gay, does not mean I have to be with another man. Nor does it mean I have to be with a woman. I can choose to be with no one if that serves me and the Lord best. At this time, I have chosen the latter. I have done this because I do not wish to rush into anything of which I still do not believe I fully understand; I have not yet fully been able to interpret God’s desire for me in this regard. Perhaps His desire is exactly for me to be of the mind, or opinion, I currently have, not wanting me to be with anyone at this time.

I do believe, regardless of one’s teachings, one’s nature, one’s urging of the Holy Spirit, or one’s understanding of the Bible (or anything else), that each person has to make up their own mind on the matter of homosexuality on their own. Is it right or wrong? Does God approve or disapprove? Is it good for me or bad for me? Each of these things must be decided upon by the individual. With free will, we must make our best decision. Some of us may make the wrong decision, and some may make the right decision. But it has to be a personal decision. I do not believe anyone can make it for us, nor should they try, nor should we ever fully accept any other person’s decision without having first given a great degree of thought about it on our own.

Let me know what you think. I’m curious to see how others believe, and to know just how a person does come to a belief that homosexuality is wrong—I’m curious to see if there are any overwhelming factors of similarities about this.

Dear Reader

An anonymous reader wrote the following comment to me regarding my last post. Because he or she questioned some of my motives concerning this blog, and my own dealings with homosexuality, I thought it relevant to simply respond in the fashion of a reply letter in the context of a post. If you are still out there, dear reader, this is for you.

ANONYMOUS WRITES:

Brandon,

To be honest with you I doubt your desire to "maybe reach out contact a few friends". It seems like you are longing for a deep connection.

And the reason you feel so uncertain about contacting the one person you seem to be expressing an intense interest in is probably because on some level your motives are not really in the right place, compounded by the fact that your relationship was never really that strong or honest.

If this was truly a friend in which you genuinly had a strong trust bond with, or both of your feelings were really in the right place, you probably would not feel so uncomfortable contacting him at this point in time.

It could be that inwardly you know the futility of the relationship, but may be projecting your feelings of loneliness onto him to satisfy what you percieve to be lacking in your life at this time.

It is a classic pattern of emotional dependance -- always searching for that which you know in your heart os out of reach, rather than being satisfied with the things you can create for yourself, with God's help of course.

I also want to share my thoughts regarding your blog title, since you put it out there for the world.

Apparently you get some form of an emotional fix out of identifying as gay. I find this to be a curious thing for those who believe homosexuality in immoral according to scripture and that it greatly displeases God.

This does not glorify God but the sin nature. God never condems sickness in scripture but he does condem sin. In stating such you also imply that homosexuality is a fixed state of being. It certailnly is not.

Every moment that you are not wrapped up in homosexual thinking, how can you call yourself gay?

As a man thinks so is he.

I also do not see why one would place links to homosexual sites if they do not believe homosexuality is morally upright.

Is it to appear cool and openminded, or do you wish to put a gun in the hand of vunerable individuals and say, oh just dont pull the trigger. Or here it is, just in case you want to pull the trigger.

In all honesty I do not think that if Christ were here in the flesh today and writing a blog that he would in fact place links to pro homosexual websites just in case anyone was interested.

There is enough information already out there for people who want pro gay information. Must you really contribute?

I happen to see this practice on a number of blogs and I find it to be quite a misguided practice by those who have a clouded view of Christ's message.

I have discovered that 99 percent of the time when I am in such deep emotional dispare and loneliness it is the result of me going off course with God and sin issues.

It is perhaps an uncomfortale truth, but it is the truth. Even as I sit and write this I deal with some of the same issues in a lot of ways.

But God is always faithful and when we are truly willing to give up the idols we cling to the sun begins to break forth and shine.

It may be time to rise above your struggles and feelings and let go of the gay identity as well as any inference that you support the activities and mindsets that God tells us through scripture that he hates.

MY REPLY:

Dear Anonymous,

I think you are reading too much into my last post and didn’t entirely understand what I was getting at. All I was trying to express was that it has been a long time since I made contact with a few friends, and they are friends that I miss a great deal. They are close friends, and I do trust them emphatically. The problem is that I sometimes struggle to a great degree being able to interact with others. This includes people I am close to. It is not that I feel ashamed of contacting them or that I have any ulterior motives to our friendships to feel conflicted about, but rather a certain almost inability to be sociable at times. It is just hard for me to know how to interact with others; and this is something that has recently prevented me from reaching out to a few friends who I haven’t been able to be around for some time now.

I often wonder if the reason for this is that I fear rejection—something Naturgesetz suggested in his comment to my last post. A lot of it, I’m sure goes back to those feelings of inferiority that I mentioned a couple of posts back though. Maybe I’m just afraid of putting myself out there and worrying too much of what others are going to think of me. For whatever the reason, all I can say is that it is just difficult for me to be around others sometimes.

As for emotional dependency, that is not a theory that I put much stock into. Of course people can get a bit obsessive at times, and there really are some people out there who are just mentally unstable and place more into a relationship than ever should have been merited. However, emotional dependency, as I believe you to be defining it, is a contradiction on many levels. There is nothing wrong with having your emotions tied to some extent in the relationships you have with others. This is only natural, seeing that relationships cannot sustain without some level of emotion between the two parties involved. It should feel good to be around certain people we like, admire, love, or care for. One should just keep in mind that good feelings and good friends do not always go hand in hand. You can be around good friends and still not feel good. But to enjoy and want to spend time with others, especially for someone like me who rarely ever spends time around anyone, should not be considered such a bad thing. I honestly believe God made us to desire being in relationship with each other and that it is a healthy thing for us.

As for the title of my blog and identifying as gay, or homosexual, I do that because I consider it to be a form of honesty on my part. I suppose I should define my terms though.

I identify as gay not because I regularly have sex with other men, but because I am attracted to other men. I define myself as gay on this blog because I have dedicated this blog to discussing that particular part of my life. I do not go around thinking of myself as gay, or thinking about gay things, all day long though. I am just me living my life. But this blog does deal with that part of my life concerning my attractions to other men. I label myself as gay because, to me, anyone who is sexually attracted to others of the same sex is gay. I am therefore gay by that definition.

By that standard, I am neither glorifying nor condemning sin by admitting my sexual preference, but simply stating a fact of my being. I am a man who is sexually attracted to other men. It is no different than me stating the color of my hair, the color of my eyes, my height, weight, complexion, or personality type. And, rather than lie and say that I am straight, or attracted to women, when I am not, I would rather just be honest and admit the current state I am in.

Now, about posting links to sites that promote homosexuality. I include those sites on my blog because they are written by people I like, who cover certain topics at times which I think do help people who are struggling with their sexuality. I am also not opposed to listening to the arguments or opinions of people I disagree with. It has nothing to do with wanting or trying to look cool, and certainly has nothing to do with trying to tempt others. If you have been tempted because of my blog, I apologize for that. It was not my attempt, nor desire to cause such a thing.

Concerning what Christ would do today, in all honesty to you, I do not think Christ would turn a blind eye, disavow, push away, ignore, belittle, or pretend that homosexuals or others engaged in sin simply do not exist. Jesus was a friend to sinners. He ate with them, spoke to them, helped them, and even loved them, which was something the Pharisees couldn’t understand and hated him for. If I am doing anything, it is attempting to live by Christ’s example. I am a friend to sinners and I will not push them away. Likewise, I will not refuse to hear them out when their views differ from my own, nor turn my back on them when or if they ever need my help or a shoulder to fall back on. How else could I ever know them, the problems they face, or ever truly be able to disciple to them?

Furthermore, if you have read much of my blog at all, you should know that my mind is not 100% made up on whether or not I believe God indeed does condemn homosexual acts. I tend to believe more often than not that he does condemn, or disapprove, of them. I do, however, have some very real doubts about that. I have several reasons to believe that God might actually not have any problems with homosexual relationships. If having that doubt causes me to appear open-minded, that is because my mind, to some extent, is open on the matter and not completely solidified yet behind either position. Be this right or wrong, it is where I am at right now.

As for despair and loneliness, I do think those can be caused, as you said, by going off course from God or by indulging or falling into sin. Despair, or hopelessness, in particular, really is a lack of faith. It can only truly exist when we lose our faith in God’s will, His protection, or His judgment. It is simply giving up hope when we should have every reason to hope through God. Loneliness, on the other hand, I believe can be caused by more than our own actions though. Sometimes we may just not be able to be around others through reasons not necessarily of our own making, and be lonely simply by missing them or missing regular forms of human contact. Sin, in general, however, can be the result of many things. I do not always fault a person, nor do I believe God always condemns a person, for all the sins they commit. Nor do I believe that every bad feeling or every problem a person experiences in life is due to themselves having committed some sin. We should learn this from the story of Job if nothing else.

I appreciate your concern for me. I know that is why you commented to me in the first place. I hope I have clarified my positions and thoughts somewhat more clearly though. And I hope you can understand, whether I am right or wrong, the mindset from which I have based my decisions. I know I have been wrong about a lot of things in my life, and that I have committed many sins. I am far from a perfect person, and I’m sure I require all the patience and forgiveness from God He is willing to give me. With these things in mind, I will continue to think upon the concerns and advice you have given me.

Sincerely,

Brandon

The Harms and Benefits of Reparative Therapy: You Decide

People have differences of opinions. We hear those differences each day in our conversations with family, friends, coworkers, fellow churchgoers, strangers, and see it and hear it on television in the shows that we watch, in the news, and in speeches from our elected politicians. We each get it into our minds that one thing or another is more right than something else. We each look at certain thoughts or opinions of others to be more wrong than our own. We each like to believe that what holds us together in our thoughts and actions are right. This is true most of the time whether we actually are in the right or not. Most people don’t like to be wrong. This can inevitably cause a lot of heated exchanges between people. We get frustrated in our lack of understanding, or angry at the opposing views that just don’t make sense to us. But, do we have to have such heated exchanges in order to present our ideas or beliefs to others? No. If we get into such conversations, we can do so with a sense of civility. If we are willing to keep our hearts and minds open to the concerns of others, to actually listen and attempt to understand their views, and be respectful to them in this process, then such heated exchanges should not take place. And if they do take place, forgiveness can always be offered and asked for.

I like to understand. I don’t like being wrong about something. It is the very reason why I have changed my mind on so many things throughout my lifetime. And there have been a lot of things I have been wrong about (and will probably continue to be wrong about). I can admit that.

Having such a mindset, it doesn’t bother me to engage in debates or arguments with others (I do try to keep them as civil as possible though, because those sorts of exchanges are the best to learn from). When I do that, I’m not doing it in order to prove anyone wrong, or to set myself up as being right. I just want to know if I’m wrong so that I can stop promoting stupidity on my part. The reason I don’t like to be wrong about something, is because I know if I am wrong, that could have some influence on someone else and cause them to be wrong or hurt somehow. I’ve never liked the thought of leading someone astray. And so, at times, I test my thoughts by trying to better understand those who oppose me.

There are a lot of reasons to believe that reparative therapy is wrong. I can fully understand why so many people would say that it’s a very terrible thing and should never be used or promoted. If you read my last post carefully, you will see that it is not something I would ultimately promote as a best course of action for anyone struggling with their sexuality. There are alternatives that can help so much more in the grand scheme of things.

I know a lot of people have been hurt in some very drastic emotional and physical ways because of certain reparative therapy techniques. People have undergone electric shock treatments, hypnosis, been given drugs, and even experienced religious exorcizing to remove the demons that cause homosexuality. Some people have even been beaten or whipped, food deprived, and sleep deprived in attempts to rid them of their “wicked thoughts/ways”. There have been a lot of such abuses. And I would call all of these things abuses, because they really cannot do any good whatsoever for a person experiencing any sort of struggle with their sexuality. These only cause harm to a person’s emotional and physical well-being. That being the case, I would wholeheartedly agree that any of these forms of reparative therapy should be banned and never promoted in any fashion whatsoever. I would find it hard to believe anyone wishing to free themselves of homosexuality would ever consider or give much thought to these techniques anyway. Even if they did, they should be discouraged.

But, these are not the only forms of reparative therapy.

Some techniques simply involve helping homosexual men who feel different or cut off from straight men to realize that they are not that different. This can include teaching a sport to homosexual men who may never have engaged in sports before because they felt pushed away or not good enough to participate in any of them. And I can tell you, when a homosexual adult man or teen learns to play and realizes they can play just as good as any straight guy, maybe even better than some of those straight guys who called them weak or pussies, that can make all the difference in the world to them. It builds self-confidence, a sense of belonging, and that sense of acceptance for themselves as a valid person/man. And it can teach that man is not necessarily their “other”.

Another technique may be to help a very effeminate man to realize that his effeminacy does not make him less of a man. A lot of straight guys are effeminate. And so, to teach this, gender roles and how society looks at such roles (including the changing mindsets of such things over time) fairly or unfairly may be discussed. That effeminate gay teen may realize he is no less a man and not gay simply because he is effeminate. He may become more comfortable just being himself.

Some techniques simply involve helping a person to trust God, and to fully accept His will over their own. Sometimes it can be incredibly difficult to abstain from something you physically and/or emotionally want. So, learning to pray for strength, for a way out of certain situations, and learning to ask for forgiveness if you do fall, can help a person a whole lot.

And then there are personal pains. Everyone has them, but not everyone handles their pain in the same way. I personally believe I became gay not just by genetics, but also because of certain environmental influences. Reparative therapy can be focused on dealing with those environmental influences. If you believe you became gay, in part, because you were, in a sense, rejected by those of your own gender, or because you reacted wrongfully in certain ways to being physically or emotionally abused, or because you rejected your own gender or the roles defined to your gender for certain reasons, then there is probably going to be a great deal of pain associated with that. Certain reparative therapies simply work at helping a person to deal with that pain in better ways than maybe he or she did in the past.

Teaching in itself is a form of therapy. Teaching people to love themselves as God loves them. Teaching people better ways to resist sinning. Teaching people better, more healthier ways of relating to others. Teaching people to forgive. Teaching people that their past doesn’t have to define them. All of these things can be very good for a struggling person.

People have differences of opinions. And that is okay. Some people believe all reparative therapies should be banned. I do not. I think if allowing a person the opportunity to do something that they believe will help them to grow in their faith in God and be a better person, then that should be allowed (so long as they aren’t hurting others). Some people who have undergone reparative therapy has hated it and wished that they’d have never participated with it. Other people have undergone it and believed it was the best thing they ever could have done. Who is right and who is wrong? Can they both be right?

I said in my last post that I am stubborn at times. I know this is true about me. And it was very true concerning one issue a few years back. I believed it was a sin to be gay. I didn’t trust anyone who said otherwise. I didn’t change my beliefs until I sought out and underwent reparative therapy. I don’t say that because the therapy didn’t help me. I say that because a lot of the therapy did help me. It allowed me to see that I’m not as different as I thought I was. It allowed me to feel more comfortable in my own skin. It allowed me to deal with a lot of pain I’d kept bottled up for many years. It allowed me to grow in my Christian faith. And it allowed me to eventually come to a conclusion that God isn’t as concerned about my sexuality as He is having a relationship with me. It helped me to better understand.

I thank God for all those people who helped me. First and foremost, I thank my Exodus counselor, Paul. He was a friend, first and foremost. He was always willing just to listen and to let me make up my own mind. And when he did push me, he pushed me to worry more about healing from past pains, relating better to others, and building my faith than on trying to change my sexuality. He was honest enough up front to tell me up front that even though it was possible for my sexuality to change, there was no guarantee that it would.

This was my experience with reparative therapy. And this is why I think it would be very bad not to allow people an opportunity to change. We allow people to try to change nearly whatever else they dislike about themselves, from hair and eye color, to the shape of their teeth and facial features, to weight, and so forth. And on some of those things, people realize, over time, that what they had to begin with really was best. The brunette trying to be a blond may decide after a few years that being a brunette really is what’s best for them. But how would that person know if they’d never tried being something else? If they’d never tried, they may have at the very least always had it in the back of their mind what could have been. I think it is the same for people who wish to change their sexuality. And what is worse, to allow people an opportunity to change something they dislike about themselves, something that may be very emotionally devastating to them for one reason or another, or to try to force them to accept something about themselves that they may just never be able to fully accept? I think it is better to let them make up their own minds. Let them try if that’s what they think is best for them. If it turns out to be something they like, then that should be looked at as great for them. If it turns out to be something they don’t like, then they can then work to accept how they are and realize their lives can still be good.

Looking back, I know I wouldn’t have been able to accept my homosexuality had I not first sought out help to no longer be homosexual. I really don’t think anyone could have helped me to accept that fact in any other way. I had to go through what I did to reach that conclusion on my own. And I know it is the same for many others. I also know that a lot of others have undergone reparative therapies and have liked whatever changes they have experienced (even if it means they only live as a heterosexual and do not actually become one). These are the reasons why I believe reparative therapies should continue to be allowed. Can they produce harm? Yes. I think in the wrong hands, just about anything can produce harm though. But can they produce something good? Yes.

People have differences of opinions. If a person wants to attempt to undergo reparative therapy, then I think they should be allowed to. This doesn’t mean that we should promote or encourage those techniques that have been used in the past and that have been proven very dangerous though. Nor does it mean we shouldn’t continue to try to show them there is a better way, and that it really is okay if they are attracted to members of the same sex. But if a person thinks changing his or her sexuality will improve their life somehow, then I think it really should be their decision to make. In time, their decision to attempt sexual orientation change will either be proven right, or they will prove themselves wrong. Either way, they should learn what is best for them.

Reparative Therapy

In my last post, I brought up the issue of anti-reparative therapy laws. After much thought, I decided it might be helpful to discuss my thoughts on the matter of reparative therapy a bit more thoroughly.

First off, what is reparative therapy? Reparative therapy (also known as conversion therapy) is treatment designed to help a person change their sexual orientation from homosexual or bisexual to heterosexual. Over the years, many Christian organizations, including Exodus International, have promoted reparative therapies in order to help a person struggling with their non-heterosexual desires and attractions to live a more Godly life. The idea is that God did not plan for anyone to be gay. That being the case, these therapies are designed to help you become as God intended: heterosexual.

As I mentioned in my last post, and as many of you know from reading this blog over the years, I have in the past undergone such therapy to help me change my sexual orientation from gay to straight. This mostly consisted of counseling, reading a bunch of literature on the subject, and trying out certain practices to change my mannerisms and behaviors and the way I relate to others, both male and female. Even though I learned a lot about myself in that process and did find some small level of decrease in my attractions to other men, I was never able to fully lose those attractions or become more attracted to women. My sexual orientation did not change.

Now, could it have changed? Yes. I think with God, anything is possible. God could have helped change my sexual orientation. But He didn’t. And the fact that He didn’t was proof enough for me that God is not overly concerned with who I’d like to share a bed with, so much as what sort of relationship I have with Him. I learned over time that being gay is not a sin, and is nothing that I should ever feel bad about.

Now that I’ve said “being gay is not a sin”, I should clarify what I consider “being gay” to mean, because I know even in this regard people have different definitions. To me, if someone says they are gay that ONLY means that they find people of the same sex sexually attractive. It does not mean that they sleep with (or have sex with) people of the same sex, nor does it mean they are atheist, drag queens, immoral, hedonistic, have rejected their sexual identity, or anything else. It ONLY means that they find people of the same sex sexually attractive. All of those other things are issues unto themselves. That being the case, I say again that being gay is not a sin. God does not have a problem with one man finding another man sexually attractive, or one woman finding another woman sexually attractive. God does not fault us for any temptations we may have. If we are faulted for anything, it is our actions. And even that, for two men (or two women) to love each other and be committed to each other in a sexual relationship, I’m not so sure anymore is something that God really has a problem with (we can discuss this at a later time).

I gave up trying to change my sexuality a long while back, and I did that because I just did not feel that it was working, and because I did not think it really mattered to God if I was gay or straight. But did this fight ever matter to me? Yes. It mattered more than anything. Why, you might ask? It mattered because deep down I knew that being gay meant that I was different. I knew the majority of people are not gay, and I thought wrongly that if God had wanted people to be gay, then many more people would be. I also thought, based on my own interpretations of the bible and those that I heard regularly at church, that being gay (not just when it came to actions, but to thoughts and temptations as well) was morally wrong. I heard people talk about gays going to hell and God hating gays, and I took that very personally. So much so that I thought God must really hate me, that there was no hope for me, that I was some sort of freak, and that if anyone ever knew the truth about me, they’d hate me and reject me as well.

Was I right, and were the people who told me such things or implied such things right? No. And should I have had to seek out treatment, believing I’d be more Godly if I were straight? No, I shouldn’t have. However, the damage was done. And this damage, as I said, was not solely brought on by others. A lot of it I brought upon myself. I put a lot of those chains around my neck and weighted myself down. I was prideful and embarrassed to admit I was gay. I was scared of how others would react. I thought if my parents knew they’d get all angry or depressed at the thought of me never marrying and having kids. In a nutshell, I worried too much about what others think, or would think. And I let that influence me negatively. It didn’t help, either, that I knew no one who was gay or who I thought would understand that I could talk to about it. And I know, in some instances, this caused me to believe in some of the stereotypes that you see on TV and in the movies. I thought I didn’t have much choice but to become like what I saw in media, and I didn’t want that. I had no role model or person to guide me at all. And so I became lost.

With everything that happened to me and that I went through, and knowing that it still can and does happen to others, I believe reparative therapies should not be completely banned. I believe they should be voluntary, but that they should continue to help people faced with similar problems. I believe this because when I first sought out help from Exodus, it was not so that I could learn to be a better human being or anything like that. I simply wanted someone or something to help me to no longer be gay. I received help in this area, but I was also taught by my counselor from Exodus that being straight should not be my goal. He told me this up front. He also helped me realize it was no sin to be attracted to other men, that gay sin was no worse than any other sin, and that if God could love all of those other sinners, surely He could continue to love me too. I thank Paul for teaching me these things, because they proved to mean more to me and be more helpful to me than any of that other stuff. But I know, looking back, I may not have believed Paul about these things had he not also offered to help me change my sexual orientation. At the time, that was what meant the most.

This last summer, Exodus International made a fairly big change. Alan Chambers, the president of Exodus International, announced that the organization would no longer support or promote reparative therapy. Their goal has changed from promoting a change in sexuality, to simply promoting a Godly lifestyle and a relationship with God in faith, whether gay or straight. This may sound too much like what they promoted before, but really it isn’t. There is that fine line distinction that makes the whole thing different. No longer will they advocate sexual orientation change as a part of living a life pleasing to God. What this means is that they now teach it is okay if you find people of the same sex sexually attractive. They have finally recognized that being gay is not a sin (for more about Exodus’ recent change, read this).

I think this new direction for Exodus is an important one. It’s important because it is more biblically based. Nowhere in any of the bible is it stated that being gay is a sin. Nowhere is it stated that if you are gay, you should become straight. And rather than focusing mostly on trying to help people become straight, they are going to do more to help people, whether gay or straight, find a relationship with God. This last thing I think is most important, because in this change, Exodus can now position itself as a true olive branch between the Church and those who have turned away from it or been hurt by it because of their sexuality. Exodus can now promote the truth that whether you are gay or straight, it doesn’t matter, anyone can begin a relationship with God, become saved in the faith and grace of His son, Jesus Christ, and can ultimately have forgiveness of their sins. They can also promote a better way for churches and ministers to reach out to those affected by homosexuality. I personally believe this will have a far better impact on the Church and in reaching out to bring homosexuals to Christ, than anything they were doing before.

But, if reparative therapy is no longer going to be offered or supported by them, how will those seeking that sort of help find it? As I’ve said, I do not believe reparative therapy should be banned or completely done away with. However, I do not believe reparative therapy is the best way to go for anyone struggling with their sexuality.

The best we can do is to reach out to our fellow LGBT neighbors, friends, family, and strangers with love and kindness. Truth is always best revealed when it is presented in love. If we in the church and as a society taught that it was okay to be gay, and that you could still be gay and be a Christian, and treat these people as we would want to be treated ourselves, then we might honestly begin to see a new dawn when Christians and homosexuals no longer view each other as enemies (at least to the degree that so many do today), but rather as friends—even if they do disagree from time to time. Instead of teaching people that they’re going to hell for being different, or pushing them out of the church, or fighting against them in any number of the ways that they have been fought, it would be far more beneficial for everyone involved using the sort of outreach Jesus himself modeled for us. Instead of hate, we love. Instead of pushing away, we welcome. Instead of lying, we tell the truth.

Now, I’m not saying that it’s okay to be gay and go around sleeping with everyone. Being sexually active outside of marriage, however it happens, is still sinful. It’s okay to be gay, but you can be gay and still sin sexually, just as any heterosexual can sin sexually. Both can be forgiven though. And whether a person is sinning sexually or in some other way, that shouldn’t keep us from responding to them as Christ would have.

So, where does all of this leave reparative therapy? My hope is that at some point, it can completely be a thing of the past, with no need for existence. I would hope that the church would open its arms and become a much more welcoming, less judgmental place. I would hope that parents would realize that even if their children grow up to be gay, that doesn’t mean there’s something wrong with them and it’s the end of the world. They’re still their child and they’re still worthy of their love and respect, and their lives can still be worthwhile and pleasing to God. I would hope that society in general would become less judgmental, and that people would particularly come to realize how negative some of their comments and actions can be sometimes. And, above all, I would hope that whenever a person is bothered, for whatever reason, by being gay, that they could learn to accept themselves and find help readily available to them whenever they should need it. I’d recommend a kind voice, an offer of friendship and support, and a good old fashioned hug to begin with.

But if these things never happen for a person, and if their entire hope rests upon the idea of becoming straight to improve their condition in life, then I would also hope that somebody would be willing to offer them the type of help that they want. Whether you think they are right or wrong for wanting that sort of help, it may not matter if offering it is the only way you can even begin to help them to see that there is a better way. Some people, such as I was, may just be too stubborn to believe any alternatives upfront. And so you have to work with them from where they’re at. From there, you can show them a better way.

Anti-Reparative Therapy Laws

Should parents be banned from forcing or allowing their kids to undergo reparative therapy to “cure” homosexuality?

Many LGBT friendly groups have recently attempted to push through legislation that would do just that. I understand their thoughts behind it, but I think there is a fine line between looking after the best interests of a child from a societal viewpoint (parents can’t physically abuse their children), and looking after the best interests of a child from a parental viewpoint (children can’t stay out past 9pm).

People tend to have very different beliefs when it comes to raising kids. Some parents believe it is okay to spank their children, others don’t. Some parents believe in taking their children to church with them to pass on their religious beliefs, others don’t. Some parents believe in making their children work for their first car, others don’t. And the list could go on and on.

When it comes to sexuality, I understand full well why some parents would want their children to undergo reparative therapy, but I also understand why many people would believe that to be emotionally, as well as perhaps physically (in some cases) abusive to a child. Parents who are religious may simply want to help their child/children from growing up and engaging in sexual activities that they believe are sinful and/or harmful to them. Others may view sexuality so concretely that teaching anything other than full acceptance is harmful.

My personal belief is that reparative therapy should be allowed, but that children should never be forced to undergo it.

I think back to when I was younger, in middle school and high school days, and wishing so much that I wasn’t gay. I wanted a cure. I wanted something, anything, to help take away those feelings. Not knowing of anything like that, and wanting to adhere to my religious beliefs more than any physical and emotional wants, it was devastating to me thinking that there was no cure, or no way to fight. I thought I had no choice but to be gay.

At that time, I know that accepting my sexuality for what it is would have in no way made me feel better about myself. I’m okay now, but at the time, I needed some hope that I didn’t have to be gay, because in my eyes, that just wasn’t an option. And I do believe that that was a big reason for why I felt so suicidal there in my late teens and early twenties. I felt I had no choice but to be something that I so desperately did not want to be. I didn’t stop feeling suicidal and start realizing that my attractions to other men were okay, and to accept myself, until I sought out help from Exodus International, a place specializing in reparative therapy.

Did it help me to seek treatment? Yes, it did. Should I have had to seek treatment? No, probably not. Was it my choice to seek treatment? Yes. Could I have found help in some other way, perhaps even a better way? Probably. Should a person, at any age, be forced to undergo reparative therapy? No. And I say no to that last question because it can do no good whatsoever to a person who doesn’t want it. But if a person wants to try and believes it is what is best for them, then it can be a great source of hope and should be allowed.

It doesn’t matter if you agree or disagree with the merits of reparative therapy. That doesn’t really matter. You could still argue for a better way. What does matter is that if this type of therapy actually does in some way help some people, to make them feel better about who they are, then why would you purposefully want to deny them that? What good would that do a person who has a mindset so firmly opposed to living as a homosexual? None.

Based on all of this, I think it wise to allow reparative therapy to continue. I will never agree with any law that would totally ban it. However, I would stipulate that if it does continue, it should only ever be completely voluntary. A law promoting the use of reparative therapy only in this matter, I would agree with.

Not a Disease

I’ve never very much cared for the notion that homosexuality is a disorder, or disease. I know a lot in the ex-gay community like to hold to an idea that, well, maybe not that homosexuality is a disease, but that it is certainly something to be cured from. And I know I have touted such thoughts before, but it is one that I disagree with now.

I don’t think homosexuality is something to be cured of, anymore than having brown eyes instead of blue eyes is something to be cured of. I think if a person is homosexual, then that is just what they are. It is certainly possible that God could change a person’s sexuality, but considering all the people who have earnestly tried for that and found no change in their sexuality, I believe even God must find such a change irrelevant. Being gay or straight doesn’t matter as much as following God, and nowhere in the bible is there a commandment for everyone to be straight.  Being gay is no sin.

We are all different in one way or another. Some of us are more different than others, but I think that is okay. Being gay should not be an issue. If anything should be an issue, it should simply be to resist (or at the very least try to resist) acting on temptations to commit sexual sins, as well as to build upon your faith and to allow Jesus to actually be the Lord and Savior of your life. This is relevant for all people, whether gay or straight, and I’d dare say a whole lot more important to God than who or what you are sexually attracted to.

Chick-fil-A, Not Gay... But that's Okay

I feel like I have to say something concerning the whole Dan Cathy, Chick-fil-A fiasco going on, and I’ll apologize ahead of time if this turns into a complete rant.

Apparently, at some point, Dan Cathy, the owner of fast food chicken restaurant, Chick-fil-A, made some comments opposing same-sex marriage, lacing his comment with certain religious contexts or basis. He also, reportedly, contributed money to certain organizations who speak out against same sex marriage. Since doing so, those opposing his beliefs (those in favor of same-sex marriage) have created an all out fire storm against this guy. Big city mayors, such as Rham Emanuel, and other politicians, have supported boycotting his company, and even resorted to personal attacks against him. Some citizens have even verbally harassed his employees, including those gay employees whom Mr. Cathy apparently had no problem hiring to work for him.

To begin with, as a gay man, I have no problem whatsoever with Dan Cathy having his own opinion, being vocal about it, and spending his own money to promote those with similar ideas (Exodus International supposedly being one of those groups, and a group that actually does, believe it or not, help many gay men and women every year—myself being one such person, even though I disagree with some of their stances). So he believes marriage should only be between one man and one woman. So what? Who didn’t believe that twenty years ago? Most Christians, as Dan Cathy is, still believe this. Most Americans still believe this.

AND IT IS HIS RIGHT TO BELIEVE AS HE CHOOSES!!! IT IS ALSO HIS RIGHT TO SPEEK FREELY ABOUT HIS BELIEFS ACCORDING TO THE UNITED STATES CONSTITUTION!!!

I get so annoyed by the hypocrisy of others in situations like this. I can’t stand it when people want free speech to assert their positions/beliefs, but will then do everything in their power to shut up the opposition. I’m sorry liberals, but in this case, I think you are wrong. Mr. Cathy should have every right to say what he thinks and to spend his money as he sees fit. That doesn’t mean that you have to like it. It also doesn’t mean that you have to support him or his business; you don’t have to buy his food! And, as a politician, if you are publicly speaking out against him, sorry, but that means you are crossing the line of your beloved separation of church and state, by discriminating against him and his beliefs. Furthermore, WE THE PEOPLE do have in this country a little thing called free speech. And as long as we have this right, Mr. Cathy is right, so far as in his actions and beliefs in this matter. Sorry, but that’s just how it is. Get over it and move on.

Now, concerning the whole thing, I personally believe that we should allow same-sex marriages in this country. I believe that because we also allow religious freedom in this country and because I recognize that there are already two separate kinds of marriages that we allow. One is marriage with religious contexts, and the other is a purely secular marriage. We do allow nonreligious people in this country to get married. That being the case, it seems as though we would also allow same-sex couples to marry. We should not impose our religious beliefs on others. In this case, Mr. Cathy may be somewhat wrong, by his funding groups that do work to prohibit same-sex marriages.

However, religion does play a role in the whole controversy surrounding Mr. Cathy. I really do not believe he did what he did because he hates gays. On the contrary, I think he did it because he loves his faith, and wanted to stand up for what he thinks is right according to that faith. It is the same reason why I have opposed certain gay friendly measures before. As a Christian, traditional teaching opposes homosexual relationships. It also opposes marriage as being anything other than a one man, one woman relationship. So, as I see it, Mr. Cathy was simply expressing his religious beliefs. And, again, so long as we have religious freedom in this country, Mr. Cathy is in the right.

Now, please don’t get me wrong. I feel as if I’ll end up getting a fire storm myself for not being ultra-politically correct on my wording of things here. I’m not saying that freedom of religion and speech make Mr. Cathy’s viewpoints right. What I’m saying is that, whether he is right or wrong about his beliefs, he does have a right, and is in the right, to be vocal about his beliefs.

Sorry liberals, but the Constitution has not yet been thrown out the window. Until you’ve had your way with that, you’ll just have to accept that if you get the right to be heard, then so do those who oppose you.

An Expression of Love

How can anyone watch this video and not see a true expression of love between these two men?  And whether it was sinful or wrong, it was/is BEAUTIFUL.  I see what this couple had and I can't escape feeling that it was right, just, and good.  It was two people coming together out of love for each other.  What is so wrong about that?

I watched this, seeing their love made so evident, and seeing the sort of crap they had to endure, and I thought the whole time through, that if Jesus was here in body he would have helped, comforted, and loved them.  He wouldn't have loaded up the shot gun, pushed them away, determined himself to make their lives more difficult, or denied them of anything.  He would have welcomed them to Him with arms wide open, and loved them for who they are.

Why can't we?

Going along with this years apparent theme for my blog, I just don't understand.  When I watch something like this, all traditional Christian teachings regarding homosexuality just lose all credibility with me.  It doesn't make sense.

Of Self, Sex, Love, and Relationships

I ask the question, “Why?” I keep thinking about why I would be attracted to other men, why I would always have had this inner wish when I was little to have been born a girl, why I would have so much difficulty throughout all of life relating to other men, why God would so strongly disapprove of me being in a romantic relationship, and I can’t help but wonder for what purpose it is all for. Why, of all things to struggle with in life, do I have to struggle with gender identity/sexual orientation issues? Why not something a little more common that doesn’t influence the very nature of my being? Why not just pornography, masturbation, greed, gluttony, anger, alcoholism, lust, jealousy, etc.? Not that any of these things are any less difficult to fight or deal with, but none of them bring into question the physical aspect of who you are. No, I have to struggle with the very nature of my identity as a human being. I don’t feel nor think of myself in very masculine terms most of the time, even though I do recognize many of the masculine traits I do have. A lot of the time, I don’t relate fully to being male or female, but something in between. And that in between reality pulls me in both directions so much of the time. I know I am male, and I like that I’m male, but my mind and perception of self is so female it isn’t even funny. This impacts the way I relate to others in virtually every possible manner, including sexuality.

When I think of sex, it is not at all from the typical heterosexual male’s point of view. On the contrary, my first instincts are very much alike to the typical heterosexual female’s point of view (me being in one of maybe three sexual positions with a man on top of me). And, also, like the typical heterosexual woman, even though there is certainly physical pleasure to be enjoyed during sex, it is the closeness to the person making love to me that I desire the most (this isn’t to suggest that no straight men feel the same in this regard—remember I’m talking about instincts and I’m basing this off of past conversations with straight men and women). That’s what I think of whenever sex comes to mind. Those are my first instincts, and that’s pretty much always been the case (spare for a select few occasions).

I’ve had sex with three different people in my life. I know that may come as a shock to some of you, but it is the truth I have to live with, and I do feel regret for. When I was twelve years old, I became sexually active with a boy that was a couple of years younger than me. For the most part, we were only experimenting with each other. We were learning about sex together. I know this had little to do with attraction, but I was still drawn to do those things with him. It just seemed natural to want to, and he was willing.

Sometime during this two year course, I also had sex with a girl. That was a onetime event, which I have no illusions about—I wanted to prove to myself I could be with a girl.

Neither of these people do I wish I’d have had sex with, and I know they feel the same. I wasn’t in love with either of them, nor did either of them love me. But I look back at that time in my life and see how incredibly stupid I was (and how stupid they were too). The things I did during those two years filled me full of regret, sorrow, and self-hate. I layered those feelings on top of me for years. I knew it was just about sex, wanting that physical pleasure.

I allowed those feelings to pretty much diminish any thought of ever actually being with anyone in any sort of relationship. I just thought there wasn’t much real possibility of that happening. But, in spring of 2010, I began (reluctantly) dating a woman that I went to school with. I wrote about that relationship many posts back, calling her Eve.

I loved Eve. There was a lot about her to love. But that relationship fell apart. This happened for many reasons. The biggest reason was just that we didn’t have any of the same long term goals for our lives. Even though we knew this, we still wanted desperately to be together in the short term.

Eve was the third person I became sexually active with. I could give a lot of excuses for why this came about, but I won’t. This was just another reason our relationship fell apart though. After awhile she thought she’d become pregnant. Like most people hearing this sort of news, we wizened up more than a lot. I know both of us really looked much more seriously at the relationship we had. It turned out that she wasn’t pregnant, but we both realized we’d made some very wrong decisions. We both knew that neither of us was willing to give up some of the dreams we’d carried for ourselves for so long. And if that was true, then we never should have allowed ourselves to go so far with each other. She accepted, before I did, that if we weren’t going to be with each other in the future, then we shouldn’t continue being with each other at all. And that’s why she broke up with me.

I was devastated when that relationship ended. I know I really did love Eve. And I know she really did love me, too. We’re still on good terms with each other. But in hindsight, I know the love we had was, at least in part, conditional. I also know there were problems with our relationship extending beyond those I’ve already mentioned. I was never really able to feel comfortable being physically intimate with her, in any regard, or to ever lead in that relationship, even when she wanted me to. I couldn’t be what is required for that sort of relationship—physically or relationally. I felt so awkward so much of the time, as though I was a straight woman trying to be with another woman. It just seemed to completely unnatural for me to be with her. This inner sense kept coming up while we were together. I often think Eve recognized this, too, though she never said anything. She did know I was attracted to other men, and was always very understanding about that. But I do think it impacted our relationship. And I never thought it was very fair to her.

I learned several things from that relationship though. One was that sex can ruin something beautiful. Another is that just because you’re in love doesn’t mean you have to have sex. And a third is that I will never again have sex with anyone unless it’s the person I’m going to spend the rest of my life with—and I’ll give that more than a few months to figure out—because the pain of doing otherwise is just too great.

I also learned a great deal about myself though. I was able to see how a relationship with a woman could be possible. It could work, and I won’t rule out the possibility of that ever happening again. But I do see how unfit and unmatched I was for that sort of relationship. I know I was always on the wrong end of it. My best match is to be with another man, romantically and relationally speaking—that’s what works. Being with Eve, I saw that more clearly. I also saw who I really want to be with.

I’ve suppressed my love for a male friend for a very long time now. I loved him even while I was with Eve. And, unlike with Eve, I know the love I have for him is unconditional. We’ve had many ups and downs, but our friendship has survived (longer than any other I could mention). I think he is handsome, though I doubt few others would think of him beyond average. He is smart and witty. He loves to write and talk about religion and politics. I love that he challenges me in my thinking, that he is always patient with me, always willing to listen, always willing to be there for me. And I love his faith in God. We have so many things we share in common. And I know if I could choose one person to spend the rest of my life with, he would be my pick. I would choose to give everything of myself to him, without regret, and I don’t doubt that for even a second.

It hurts knowing how much I love him, knowing I’ve found the person I want to spend the rest of my life with, knowing that he could share those same feelings with me, but knowing that that can never happen. I’ve struggled so much trying to figure out how to respond to this love. It is not just the love for a friend. It is beyond any measure a romantic love as well. It’s both, really. I want to be able to look him in the eyes and tell him I love him, and for him to know that beyond God, that holds most for him. I want to be able to come home to him every day. I want to embrace him. I want to hold hands with him. I want to hear his voice and feel his presence every day. I want to take care of him when he’s sick. I want to grow old with him. I want to feel my soul connected with his. I want to do all those things a married couple can do together. And, yes, to even make love with him. And yet, I resist.

And I ask, “Why?” Why do I struggle with this thing? Why is it that I’ve come so far to learn so much what true love is all about, and to truly love someone in this manner, just to be told that it’s an unholy love that God would never approve of? Why is it so wrong for me to want to share myself with someone that I love so much? Why and for what purpose would God ever allow me to go through such a thing? Love is one of the greatest things in this world, something that Christ himself advocated more than anything else, and yet I’m denied the love of another?

I know I can be loved, but there are different kinds of love. I want to be able to love someone where I can give everything of myself—my body, my mind, my soul, my time, everything, and to know that it is all out of love. You can’t really love a friend like that. And there’s the difference. My struggle isn’t one of wanting sex. It is one of wanting to experience that sort of love and being told no, and that answer making no sense at all anymore.

I want to do what’s right, but I know I want to do it because it makes sense. Not just because it’s what I’ve always been told, which is based so much on what others have always thought, who had no real idea what sort of thing they were talking about. I don’t want to accept a teaching that I honestly do think may have come about only out of prejudice and misunderstanding.

I look at the story of Adam. God saw it wasn’t good for man to be alone, and yet He’s asking me to be alone? I look at Jesus’ commandment to love, and yet I’m told the greatest of loves isn’t okay for me? It just doesn’t make sense.

And so I struggle on trying to make sense out of it all.