Sunday, November 24, 2013

Damaged Goods

I can’t sleep…

I’ve felt really down the last couple of days. I have these spells. I’ll feel on top of the world and the next thing I know I feel like everything in the world’s crashing down around me. I know I suffer from depression. This has been a problem for me for a long time now. Why in the world I haven’t gotten help for this already is beyond me. Maybe it’s too much pride to admit it face to face to anyone, or maybe… well, no, I’d say that’s exactly it: too much pride.

I always miss people…

I’ve missed my grandma terribly lately. She passed away about this time two years ago, right around Thanksgiving. That was such a horrible time. Maybe it’s just the fact that Thanksgiving is coming up, or maybe it’s just that my mind has been flooded of thoughts or reminders of her lately, but I’m missing her so much it hurts.

I miss several old friends as well: people I used to go to school with, people I used to work with, people I used to go to church with, and kids I used to teach.

I don’t feel good.

I have so many insecurities it isn’t even funny. My self-confidence is virtually nonexistent, and I’m so full of doubts it’s driving me crazy.

I wish I’d done so many things different in my life. I wish I’d told so many of those assholes who made fun of me in middle school and high school to go fuck themselves and had just done what I wanted, not caring about what they thought of me. I wish I’d flirted back to some of the guys who actually showed an interest in me. I wish I’d not let some of the people from church drive me away from it. I wish I’d tried harder to make friends earlier on…

Damn it!

I hate feeling this way…

I feel tired all the time. I feel weak. And I never seem to have enough time in the day. I have all these dreams and goals and wants, and they seem to never materialize. Or, if they do, it’s just so little by little that it’s frustrating to say the least. It leaves me feeling fairly hopeless at times…

I’ve felt pretty bad about being gay lately, too. This, like depression, seems to come and go at random and without any real cause that I can pinpoint… no, that’s not quite true either, at least not this time. I know what triggered it. I subbed for a few sixth grade classes lately and in a couple of those classes I had to listen to some students talking trash about homosexuals. “That’s gross! That’s weird! They’re going to hell! God hates gays! That person’s gay because of that, and this one because of this.” I hear this from students I like, and it cuts me to the quick. I tell them not to talk that way, but that’s about all I can do to stop them. Afterward, I always feel bad. I always wonder what they’d think of me if they knew I was gay. I always wonder if they’d turn from liking me to hating me. And then I fear that if anyone did know, I’d just wind up losing my job. After all, no one wants a fag teaching their kids.

I don’t even think I’ll post this. If I do, I guess it’ll just be to maybe get a few extra prayers, I don’t know. Maybe in some way it can help someone else who suffers this late night insomnia depression to know they aren’t alone.

5 comments:

jennypo said...

Brandon, tell those kids the truth - that God loves gays. One of them might BE gay...and they might need to know how precious they are to the God who made them. Insomnia tonight so I'll be praying for both of us.

Brandon said...

Jennypo,

I usually say this. It's just that I have to be kind of careful about how I go about it. If I say too much then I'm accused of preaching instead of teaching, and I know if people find out I'm gay I'll never get hired as a teacher. And I've literally had students ask if I was gay before, so it's just a fine balancing act. It just always hurts when people I like, regardless of age, make comments and think they way they do.

Thank you for the prayers. I'll pray for you too. :)

naturgesetz said...

It certainly is a delicate thing, dealing with young people who express homophobic ideas — which they may well have picked up at home, especially when you need to avoid outing yourself. Just a thought: if you try to express it in a way a straight person would, which I suppose means calmly and objectively, that is probably best.

As for the regrets, we all could have handled situations better, and it's fine to recognize that. But whatever might have been different, now you have the life you have. As the saying goes, "There's no use crying over spilled milk." Maybe the past can give you lessons, but the question is always, "What do I do now?"

I'm sure the season triggers memories of your grandma. It's good that you miss her.

God bless you.

Brandon said...

Thanks, N. I think when it comes to my past the real problem I'm having is just that I feel like I've wasted a lot of time. I know I can't go back and undo certain things, and I have learned from them. But I feel bad that to look back I can see so many missed opportunities. I'm sure this is true for a lot of people. It still bums me out at times though.

Soul Yaoi said...

It gets better bud. :)