Sunday, July 29, 2007

Goodbye Friend

I lost a friend yesterday. I knew it was coming, and I'd been dreading saying goodbye. I left work yesterday giving my goodbye to this friend. It was his last day at work, and I knew I'd more than likely not see him again. If I do see him, I know it won't be the same. It'll be the way as it is with that friend I made last year, but only now occasionally see him for a couple of minutes at a time, usually once every other month or so. Everything is very cordial, but nothing deep or meaningful. There's no longer any hangout time.

I left work crying yesterday. I didn't want to lose my friend. I actually lingered around longer than I should have just so I could spend a few extra minutes with him. I'll admit I'm attracted to him, but I know he's straight, so there's no hope or chance of anything happening that shouldn't. But that's not why I want him for a friend. I like his sense of humor. I like his personality. I like his expressions. I like the way he treats other people, and the way he treats me.

I know this post probably stinks. I'm not trying to write well right now. I'm tired and I'm frustrated. I'm tired of not being able to make friends... close friends. I'm tired of getting to know all these really great guys and always having to say goodbye to them. I'm tired of being alone and feeling as though nobody likes me enough to want to be around me. I keep trying to be as good as I can be to other people, and yet I feel like I just keep getting stepped on or ignored or judged or whatever else.

I miss. I miss all those people I've pushed away. Yes, pushed away. Ignorantly pushed away, right out of my life. I miss all those people I wanted so desperately to be friends with, but couldn't. I miss so many people that are no longer around.

I'm just so tired of struggling with all this stuff. I'm tired of trying and feeling as though I'm getting nowhere.

God... I'm not even going to say anything other than this: "You know what I need. Please help me."

Tuesday, July 24, 2007

A Psalm of Sorrow and Distress

God, my eyes weap,
and my soul cries out for you.
I feel so far away from you,
and yet I long to be so close.
All joy in my life has left me.
I've lost all sense of direction.
I do not know what I should do.
I long for your guidance, Lord.
I long for your warm embrace,
and for your everlasting love to fill my empty soul.
I wish for your strength.
I need your help now more than ever,
for the the devil is pulling at me fiercely.
He is relentless at tormenting me.
I know my sorrow can only be taken away by you.
My salvation depends wholly on you.
It is in you that I place my trust and my faith.
Though I am weak, it is you that makes me strong.
Lord, I need you.
Please do not turn your back on me.
Please remain patient with me.
For it is you that I wish to please and to make happy.
Father, please just show me the way.
Please love me.

This is one of about five psalms I wrote to the Lord back last winter. I had forgot about writing it, but when I came across it, I felt like some of you may take some comfort by it. I've always liked the psalms of the Bible, and I always manage to find some encouragement and comfort by them. I believe it was my preacher who suggested back last year that we begin writing our own psalms to the Lord, and it helped me to do this. It made me focus on my emotions towards God and what was going on in my life at the time. It helped me to cry out to God when I needed to.

The thing I take away from this plea is my lack of closeness to God. I remember feeling as though God was nowhere in sight. I felt so far away from Him, as though He'd just completely abandoned me. Wonder why? It couldn't have been because at the time I was looking up pornography all the time, was ready to accept my homosexuality, was lusting ferociously after other guys, had distanced myself from people at my church, and was feeling so darn sorry for myself that I'd become blinded to the needs of all others around me. One of the things I've been learning from the Door of Hope course from Setting Captives Free is that God can't have any part of sin. So, when we sin, He backs away from us. He allows us to wallow in the hell we've created for ourselves. When we give up our sins, He draws closer to us. When we return to Him, He returns to us. I've been trying desperately to give up my sins here lately, and I have felt God edging His way back into my life. The longer I've stayed away from certain things, the more of God's warm embrace I've been feeling. I feel His arm around my back, holding me, and guiding me in the right direction. I feel God walking alongside of me. I'm still not where I'd like to be, but I do believe I'm finally heading in the right direction.

Sunday, July 15, 2007


A friend of mine recently told me he suspected most guys who struggle with same-sex attractions tend to become workaholics and perfectionists. I can vouch for that on my own part. I tend to get into ruts of working myself nearly to death. And then, whatever I do, it always has to be perfected to the point where it never ends. Like my first book, I spent about three years simply editing the thing. Seems like I've been following the same footsteps with my second one. Point to telling this is that that's why I haven't posted for a little while. I've been too busy. In fact, I haven't had time for much, if anything. And I've been exhausted.

One thing I have made the time for is this course called Door of Hope, which I'm taking through Setting Captives Free. I got the idea from Beast. Right now, I'm on day fourteen (out of sixty). So far, I can say that this course has definitely opened my eyes to a few things. I realize I've had a few wrong attitudes and I've not been trying enough to resist certain things I know I should be trying to resist. This course has been showing me where I've been on the right track, and where I've been on the wrong track. I'm getting the kind of help I've been searhing for. It's Godly help. Each days lesson comes directly from the Bible, and speaks so much truth. I also have a mentor who has been more than helpful. He's been nothing short of a Godsend. He's been a great encouragement for me.

One thing that has been bothering me is my lack of restraint. I had hoped to make it through the entire course without giving in to any sexual sins. I made it up until last Wednesday and then I gave in. I'll be blunt and admit that I gave in to lustful thoughts and masturbation. I woke up exhausted, lonely, frustrated about a few things, and the next thing I knew I was masturbating, filling my mind full of all sorts of thoughts I never should have had. I felt terrible. Thing is, I've given in twice since then, and I've been struggling to resist this sort of thing ever since.

I wish I could be free of all this. I know that the devil never stops tempting, but I just really do wish I could figure out some sure fire way of being able to resist. It seems as though I've tried everything, but nothing's worked. At least, no single thing works all the time. The course I'm taking actually has been helping me. I've found that accountability really is something I've been needing. I've needed someone to help me more directly. I just wish I was stronger. I don't know whether this Setting Captives Free course will work or not, but I sure hope that it will. I feel like it will. There's God in it, and I feel like He's pushing me to press on. I'm pressing on in search of that awe-inspiring freedom that only Christ can deliver. Only through Him can have true freedom.