I lost a friend yesterday. I knew it was coming, and I'd been dreading saying goodbye. I left work yesterday giving my goodbye to this friend. It was his last day at work, and I knew I'd more than likely not see him again. If I do see him, I know it won't be the same. It'll be the way as it is with that friend I made last year, but only now occasionally see him for a couple of minutes at a time, usually once every other month or so. Everything is very cordial, but nothing deep or meaningful. There's no longer any hangout time.
I left work crying yesterday. I didn't want to lose my friend. I actually lingered around longer than I should have just so I could spend a few extra minutes with him. I'll admit I'm attracted to him, but I know he's straight, so there's no hope or chance of anything happening that shouldn't. But that's not why I want him for a friend. I like his sense of humor. I like his personality. I like his expressions. I like the way he treats other people, and the way he treats me.
I know this post probably stinks. I'm not trying to write well right now. I'm tired and I'm frustrated. I'm tired of not being able to make friends... close friends. I'm tired of getting to know all these really great guys and always having to say goodbye to them. I'm tired of being alone and feeling as though nobody likes me enough to want to be around me. I keep trying to be as good as I can be to other people, and yet I feel like I just keep getting stepped on or ignored or judged or whatever else.
I miss. I miss all those people I've pushed away. Yes, pushed away. Ignorantly pushed away, right out of my life. I miss all those people I wanted so desperately to be friends with, but couldn't. I miss so many people that are no longer around.
I'm just so tired of struggling with all this stuff. I'm tired of trying and feeling as though I'm getting nowhere.
God... I'm not even going to say anything other than this: "You know what I need. Please help me."