A friend of mine recently told me he suspected most guys who struggle with same-sex attractions tend to become workaholics and perfectionists. I can vouch for that on my own part. I tend to get into ruts of working myself nearly to death. And then, whatever I do, it always has to be perfected to the point where it never ends. Like my first book, I spent about three years simply editing the thing. Seems like I've been following the same footsteps with my second one. Point to telling this is that that's why I haven't posted for a little while. I've been too busy. In fact, I haven't had time for much, if anything. And I've been exhausted.
One thing I have made the time for is this course called Door of Hope, which I'm taking through Setting Captives Free. I got the idea from Beast. Right now, I'm on day fourteen (out of sixty). So far, I can say that this course has definitely opened my eyes to a few things. I realize I've had a few wrong attitudes and I've not been trying enough to resist certain things I know I should be trying to resist. This course has been showing me where I've been on the right track, and where I've been on the wrong track. I'm getting the kind of help I've been searhing for. It's Godly help. Each days lesson comes directly from the Bible, and speaks so much truth. I also have a mentor who has been more than helpful. He's been nothing short of a Godsend. He's been a great encouragement for me.
One thing that has been bothering me is my lack of restraint. I had hoped to make it through the entire course without giving in to any sexual sins. I made it up until last Wednesday and then I gave in. I'll be blunt and admit that I gave in to lustful thoughts and masturbation. I woke up exhausted, lonely, frustrated about a few things, and the next thing I knew I was masturbating, filling my mind full of all sorts of thoughts I never should have had. I felt terrible. Thing is, I've given in twice since then, and I've been struggling to resist this sort of thing ever since.
I wish I could be free of all this. I know that the devil never stops tempting, but I just really do wish I could figure out some sure fire way of being able to resist. It seems as though I've tried everything, but nothing's worked. At least, no single thing works all the time. The course I'm taking actually has been helping me. I've found that accountability really is something I've been needing. I've needed someone to help me more directly. I just wish I was stronger. I don't know whether this Setting Captives Free course will work or not, but I sure hope that it will. I feel like it will. There's God in it, and I feel like He's pushing me to press on. I'm pressing on in search of that awe-inspiring freedom that only Christ can deliver. Only through Him can have true freedom.