Sunday, July 15, 2007

Freedom!

A friend of mine recently told me he suspected most guys who struggle with same-sex attractions tend to become workaholics and perfectionists. I can vouch for that on my own part. I tend to get into ruts of working myself nearly to death. And then, whatever I do, it always has to be perfected to the point where it never ends. Like my first book, I spent about three years simply editing the thing. Seems like I've been following the same footsteps with my second one. Point to telling this is that that's why I haven't posted for a little while. I've been too busy. In fact, I haven't had time for much, if anything. And I've been exhausted.

One thing I have made the time for is this course called Door of Hope, which I'm taking through Setting Captives Free. I got the idea from Beast. Right now, I'm on day fourteen (out of sixty). So far, I can say that this course has definitely opened my eyes to a few things. I realize I've had a few wrong attitudes and I've not been trying enough to resist certain things I know I should be trying to resist. This course has been showing me where I've been on the right track, and where I've been on the wrong track. I'm getting the kind of help I've been searhing for. It's Godly help. Each days lesson comes directly from the Bible, and speaks so much truth. I also have a mentor who has been more than helpful. He's been nothing short of a Godsend. He's been a great encouragement for me.

One thing that has been bothering me is my lack of restraint. I had hoped to make it through the entire course without giving in to any sexual sins. I made it up until last Wednesday and then I gave in. I'll be blunt and admit that I gave in to lustful thoughts and masturbation. I woke up exhausted, lonely, frustrated about a few things, and the next thing I knew I was masturbating, filling my mind full of all sorts of thoughts I never should have had. I felt terrible. Thing is, I've given in twice since then, and I've been struggling to resist this sort of thing ever since.

I wish I could be free of all this. I know that the devil never stops tempting, but I just really do wish I could figure out some sure fire way of being able to resist. It seems as though I've tried everything, but nothing's worked. At least, no single thing works all the time. The course I'm taking actually has been helping me. I've found that accountability really is something I've been needing. I've needed someone to help me more directly. I just wish I was stronger. I don't know whether this Setting Captives Free course will work or not, but I sure hope that it will. I feel like it will. There's God in it, and I feel like He's pushing me to press on. I'm pressing on in search of that awe-inspiring freedom that only Christ can deliver. Only through Him can have true freedom.

5 comments:

RikFleming said...

Brandon,

I feel like you were writing about me when you talked about being a perfectionist and work-a-holic. This accounts for my grades and academic awards as well as my willingness to work 60 hour week and add to ti a dozen other goals and tasks to be performed. But I am starting to reduce my work load because being tired makes me weak and less able to resist temptation.

As a perfectionist I am also "Mr.Punctual" when it comes to keeping appointments and I am also a neat freak, but that may also come from my time in the Marines.

I think I may be about a week ahead of you in the same course. I wouldn't look to it as a solution to your problems but more of an introduction to aiming in the right direction. When ever I teach on a subject I always tell my theology students that no matter how much we cover in the course it is only an introduction. After I graduated from seminary I knew that I still had so much more to learn.

Keep up the good work! You're on my prayer list!

Rik

Joe said...

If the physical need is there, can you do it without fantasizing about a particular person or situation? Can you separate the physical sensation from the fantasies?

Don’t torture yourself. It’s better to be someone who masturbates everyday and wants to do the right thing than someone who masturbates once a year and doesn’t care whether it is right or wrong. God doesn’t keep a score card.

Brandon said...

Thanks, guys, for the comments.

Rik, try not to work yourself too much. Remember to have some fun somewhere in there as well. I suppose that be good advice for myself as well.

I want you to know you're in my prayers too. I've been praying for a lot of you guys off blogger here lately. And I've appreciated all the prayers sent my way. They've certainly helped.

Joe, you make a good point. On occasion I have been able to block out the thoughts and still do the act, but usually, if I ever do give in, those thoughts always tend to creep in. So, it's better for me to just try my best to resist altogether. I think you were right when you said "It’s better to be someone who masturbates everyday and wants to do the right thing than someone who masturbates once a year and doesn’t care whether it is right or wrong. God doesn’t keep a score card." I'm going to try my best, and not torture myself whenever I do give in. Thanks for the words of wisdom.

fapi said...

I tried to masturbate without lustful thoughts, so one time I was watching Roseanne. It took a very long time...

Brandon said...

Fapi,

Funny comment. Although I don't think Roseanne would be too flattered by it. Though I don't suppose she'd be reading this blog anyway.

Brandon