Thursday, September 20, 2007

Am I An Eleanor Rigby?

Sometimes I can feel so lonely. Actually, I feel rather lonely a great deal of the time. I can spend all day with people, at work, at home, etc., and then when I go to bed at night, I can feel so completely alone. I fall asleep in my room, on my bed, with the lights off, the TV off, and the ceiling fan circling above me, alone. Then I wake up in that same room alone every morning. I can sometimes wake up, and so horribly wish that there would be someone else lying in bed next to me. Someone I could put my arm around and hold, or who'd wake me up in the morning by putting his arm around me and holding me. I wish I had someone who'd go to the store with me. Someone who'd push the cart while I get all the supplies off the shelves. I wish I had someone who I could talk to lovingly. I wish I could be playful and romantic. I wish I had someone I could cook supper for and serve it by candlelight. I wish I had someone I could buy Christmas and birthday gifts for because I was in love. Not just people whom I love, such as friends or family, but someone I could be in love with. And who'd love me in return. I wish sometimes so badly that I could have a boyfriend. I wish I could feel the closeness of another guy holding me. I wish I could hold hands with him and kiss him. Yes, even sex would be nice. I feel a desire to be with someone that sometimes, nothing, not even God, seems to be able to satisfy within me. I then find myself turning to pornography and masturbation as a means of comforting myself. You know, I love the Internet for some reasons, but for other reasons I hate it with a passion. Blogger and email and information and all that are very good things. But all the pornography and all that other junk that makes up about ninety percent of the content on the Internet I detest so much. Even still, that doesn't keep me from falling prey to it and giving into my lustful temptations. I can look up pornography and see those other guys and somehow feel better. I oddly enough can feel close to them. Of course, this better feeling—this feeling of being close to another guy—never lasts. In fact, I tend to feel so guilty and pathetic each time after I do this that I just literally want to go crawl off under a rock somewhere and call it a quits. I feel even worse than I did to begin with. I still feel alone, but then I feel an added guilt for having given in to something I know I shouldn't have.

The other day, I was listening to the song “Eleanor Rigby” on the Beatles Love CD (I love the Beatles, by the way), and I couldn't help but wonder if I was to become an Eleanor Rigby—one of those persons who grows old and alone, and waits by the window, never knowing the joy of having someone else to share my life with. Suddenly, I felt so depressed.

...All the lonely people...”

I try to turn to God to take care of my loneliness. I imagine His arms around me, giving me a warm and loving embrace, caring for me. He's been helping me form friendships the last couple of years to take care of this problem, and that's helped a lot too. I've made a lot of friends. But still, there are plenty of lonely days.

Monday, September 17, 2007

Who Am I?

I keep trying to think of myself differently than I used to. I know I am thinking better about who I am.

Who am I? I am a Christian. I am a son, a brother, and a friend. I am a writer. I care about other people... actually, it's being a friend that seems to mean something right now to me the most. I began praying for friends about a year and half ago. And God has been giving me friends. I met a fellow struggler online back last winter, and we've become really good pen pals. I feel like I can write just about anything to him, and I know I can trust him and rely on him. I love him. But not in any other way than as a friend and a brother. I'd actually referred to him as a little brother on a couple of occasions and hadn't really thought anything of it. He referred to me as big brother the other day, and that somehow meant so much to me. I have a friend I'm close enough to that we can relate to each other as brothers. We care about each other, help each other, and encourage each other. I was taken back when he said I was "indispensable" the last time he wrote to me. I've never felt as though I was that important to anyone else before. I've often wondered if I were to die, or just disappear, would anyone really care. Anyone besides family, that is.

I got to thinking about some of the friends God has given me. There's been guys at work I've made friends with, guys at church, on blogger, and elsewhere. God is giving me friends, and each one has impacted my life in some very positive ways. I know people do care about me. I know I'm not as different from other guys as I used to think I was. I know I'm learning a lot of things. I know I'm important to other people, and it matters whether I live or die. I have friends. I am a friend. I went a long time not being able to say that. I'd so isolated myself that there wasn't anybody else in my life. I was alone. But I'm not alone anymore, and it's great not to be.

In my last post, I wrote about when I foolishly believe in the lies the devil tells me about myself. He tries to tear me down and make me into something so awful. I'm learning that that's not who I am though. I'm learning that God sees me for something good. He loves me and cares for me, and He wants my life to be something beautiful and meaningful. I am a follower of Christ. I like saying that, because there's meaning to it. God has been giving me friends, but even still, none of them compare to the friend I have in Jesus. He's my best friend by far. And the great thing about Him is that He'll never leave me, He'll always love me, He'll always help me, and He'll always lead me and influence me in positive ways.

I hope God keeps giving me friends. I thank Him for each of them. To borrow a quote from my favorite movie, It's A Wonderful Life: "No man is a failure who has friends." I have friends, and that makes all the difference in the world.

(I really did appreciate something Rik wrote in the comments section of my last post. He told me how he thought about me, and there was nothing bad at all there. It's honestly dumbfounded me some to learn that others don't and won't hold my struggles against me. A few years ago, I literally did think that was an impossibility. I suppose that's why I'd isolated myself so much. Either way, thanks to Rik. I needed that little shot of encouragement.)

Sunday, September 16, 2007

Just A Fag; or Self-Condemnation

Sometimes I can be so hard on myself. I can allow the great accuser to tear me down so much. There have been times when I've called myself a fag, a queer, a loser, or a half-dozen other belittling things. I've thought of myself as a monster, or a freak. I've told myself, “You'll never be able to change. You'll never have friends, or a family, or children. You'll never have anything, because you're no good.” I've put myself down in my mind so many times this way. I've used those thoughts and those labels to mean something so horrible about myself, and I've dashed my own dreams to shreds. I've told myself that all those other guys are so much better than myself, and I've condemned myself so terribly.

This is the devil playing his best game against me. He gets me to thinking about some of the things I've done in the past, about regrets, and just so many things about myself or my life I haven't enjoyed or liked. He accuses me, and I foolishly listen. That's when I damage myself the most. I believe in the devil's lies. Rather than believing God who says, “You can, and you will, because I love you” I believe in the devil who says, “You can't, and you'll never, because you're nothing.”

Nothing good ever comes of that. So, knowing this, why do I listen? And why do I agree sometimes? All this usually does, believing in these lies, tormenting myself, is cause me to give in to the very sins I try so hard not to give in to. It causes me to feel so badly about myself, and to turn from God and wallow in self-pity and agony. I know better than to do this. I'm learning not to do this. I know I'm not a bad person, I'm not a freak, and I know God loves me and promises a hopeful and brighter future for me. But I still struggle with these thoughts sometimes. I still condemn myself, and I let that tear me down so low. I believe in that whispering voice that accusers and condemns. Why do I do this!?

Friday, September 7, 2007

Good Days

Yesterday was an incredibly good day. It was a day off from work. I was able to sleep in late. I didn't get any calls from any of my workers, nagging me about stupid, trivial things that they ought to know on their own without having to pester me. I was finally able to finish that writing assignment that was actually due last month, but I'd got an extension on the deadline. I was able to reply to a few emails to some friends, whom I'd wanted so much to be able to get in touch with. I listened to some really good Christian songs. I prayed to God. I was able to do some drawing. I watched a couple of really good movies. I found a Reese's Cup in a kitchen drawer. And I went halves with my brother to get a pizza for supper (Pizza just happens to be my favorite food). Yep, it was a good day.

Today has been good too. I'm not sure why, but I just feel so close to God. I feel like nothing could go wrong. Nothing that's usually been bothering me lately has bothered me at all. I don't feel lonely, angry, depressed, tired, confused, or frustrated. I just feel... good.

I know a big part of that is that I don't feel alone anymore. I know there are people out there who love me and care about me. There are people who understand me, who pray for me, and who don't care if I'm an oddball or not. They just like me for me, and want to know me despite whatever faults I have. And there are a lot of people I feel the same about in return. It feels good knowing that. I have friends now.

I also have dreams again. There are so many things I want to be able to do. I have so much to look forward to, and I feel like I truly do have a future. That's one thing I haven't felt like I had for a long time. The future just seems so bright and hopeful.