What Straight Christians Think About Gays

Hi!  My name is Brandon, and I approve of the above message.

Sorry, I've been following politics too much lately.  :)

For a long time now, I've been saying that our definitions do not completely gel.  When homosexuals speak, Christians hear something completely different far too much of the time.  The same is true for when Christians speak as well; homosexuals hear something different than what is meant.

I think this poll/video demonstrates so clearly how we have a major breakdown in communication right now among the Church and homosexuals.  So many Christians really do care about homosexuals, but the vast majority of homosexuals do not believe that.  And, the big cause, really, is due to how we interpret and understand each other--far too often, incorrectly.

I hope there are those on both sides of the divide who can and will watch this and take away something very meaningful from it.  Hopefully it'll help us to understand each other far better, and to change some of the approaches in how we interact with and think about each other.

Gabriel Tells It Like It Is

http://mudbloodcatholic.blogspot.com/2013/07/why-not-ex-gay-part-iii-if-its-broke.html

There’s “no bloody point”. That’s for sure. There is no reason in the world for anyone to feel bad about being gay. And there is absolutely no reason in the world to try changing your sexual orientation. Just let it be what it is, don’t worry about it, and don’t let it get you down.

Go back five or ten years ago and it would have been unthinkable for me to believe these things. But with many years under my belt, many years of trying to change my sexual orientation, and much knowledge gained throughout that time, I can say that this is absolutely true.

God may not have meant for anyone to be gay. I don’t know that. For all I know, maybe he did. But what I do know is that a person’s sexual orientation, or their sexual attractions, does not matter in the least little bit. It’s what you do with those attractions that can make a difference.

If you believe homosexual sexual experiences are sinful, in conjunction with traditional Christian thought and teaching, then you should abstain from them, lest you be in sin. If you do not believe they are sinful, contrary to traditional Christian thought and teaching, then let your conscience be your guide (that means that maybe you are sinning, but that depends on what is undeniable truth, something that none of us might ever know beyond any shadow of a doubt in this lifetime, and which could go either way according to our understanding of the truth and upon how we are judged).

I have reasons to believe homosexual sexual experiences are sinful and reasons to believe that they are not. I’m not one-hundred percent sure what is the truth. Certain things, I believe, may not be entirely accurate or as well thought through as they should have been concerning traditional teachings. However, certain other things concerning traditional teachings do hold some weight for me. I can see how perhaps God did not intend for anyone to be gay (at least in the beginning) and how there is an element to heterosexual sexual experiences (through marriage) being of a greater design, at least in regards to being able to produce something totally new through the union of such a couple. However, I can also see how certain authors of the bible and others throughout Christian past might have based their beliefs against homosexuality on certain untruths—probably unintentionally, but perhaps also out of certain cultural biases or misunderstandings at the time in which they lived. I can also see how biblical teaching may have been misunderstood throughout the years through varying translations and the like of the original texts.

Something I’ve learned is that throughout Christianity, there are people (both gay and straight) who have believed differently on this matter. Some people believe traditional teaching is truth, therefore making homosexual experiences sinful, while others believe traditional teaching is wrong, making homosexual experiences okay. Perhaps anything anyone can ever really do to know which stance to take on this matter is to allow the Holy Spirit to influence them, and to dictate their beliefs and actions upon that influence.

But, again, I say there is no reason in the world to worry about what your sexual orientation might be. If you are gay, so what? You’re not sinning just by being gay, or by having sexual attractions or desires for those of the same sex. Depending on your beliefs, you’re only completely natural, or you’re just being tempted. That is all—so long as we’re only talking about attractions and desires, rather than actions taken upon them.

Please read Gabriel’s article about this (the link above). He is a very wise old friend of mine and he can write about these things so much better than I can.

I know what I’m saying may be very difficult for some people reading this to accept. I’ve been there and done that. As I said, go back just a few years ago and I’d have not believed this at all. I was so convinced that I was just some sort of freak that I couldn’t see the truth. I couldn’t see how much love God really has for me, or how little one’s sexual orientation really does matter in the grand scheme of things. I’m not asking you to trust me about this though. I’m just asking that you keep an open mind and try not to hold something that you may dislike about yourself over your head. Don’t let it ruin your self-esteem. Don’t let it destroy your value as a human being. And don’t ever allow anyone else to do those things to you either—whether concerning your sexuality or anything else about you.

Mocking God

This has to be one of the campiest, gayest scenes ever.

In my last post, I showed a clip from the movie Jesus Christ Superstar. I decided to show this one as well in order to illustrate the mocking attitude so many people have toward God and the Christian faith.

In this scene, we see Jesus standing before Herod, and Herod—in a most whimsical way—asking Jesus to perform a miracle for him. Jesus, knowing that Herod wasn’t really interested in the truth so much as he wanted a show, or spectacle, stood silent instead. This leads Herod to begin mocking him, hurling insults and telling him to leave.

This seems to be the attitude a lot of people have today toward God. In their great arrogance, they’d rather shrug off any possible signs of God’s existence and rely on their own limited human understanding of things, holding to a concept which cannot be proven, as some sort of enlightened thought.

It amazes me how so many people look at the Big Bang Theory and are somehow able to conclude that it proves the nonexistence of God. Having a better understanding of how the universe came about and the ways in which it works does not prove in any way whatsoever that God does not exist. At best, it only suggests a possible way in which God did create everything. This theory has never fully been able to explain how everything came into existence though. If there was a big bang, then what caused it? How could everything have just burst into existence from nothing? The simplest explanation is that there is a God, who is all powerful, and that He is the one who caused it all to happen. Scientists use a guiding principle that the simplest explanation is often the right explanation. However, when it comes to God, so many of them somehow seem to always want to predominantly turn a blind eye to this concept and tout a belief that is so complicated they cannot explain it. And yet they think themselves smarter for this?

Mocking God is no laughing matter. It’s arrogance, pure and simple. No one is so smart that he or she can see it all, hear it all, know it all, be it all, or do it all. In our existence as human beings, none of us has ever been so smart than none to follow could surpass our own understandings. And if that is true, then why put so much faith into a single thought, which is no more credible than that which opposes it, and which has greater consequences for you should you prove to be wrong?

I believe in Jesus. I believe he was the Christ, that He was God, and that He still lives today. His truths have never been disproven, and they never will be. And with the free will given to me, I find it much more worthwhile to believe in something, in someone, than to believe in nothing at all.

I could end this post on that note, but I’ll go a bit further, because I think this is important.

As a believer in Christ, I do have doubts sometimes. It would be easy for me to pass off past evidence of God as simple neurosis, lies, aliens coming down to earth, or time travelers interfering with human history. But none of those things explains what gives spark to life. None of those explanations reveals where we all came from, how it all happened, or even what caused it to happen. Having said that, I must admit, in truth, there is no way for me to prove the existence of God beyond any shadow of doubt. My faith does not make me so arrogant that I cannot concede that I might be wrong. I hear Christians admit this sort of thing all the time, but I often never hear such a concession from those who do not believe. And that’s fine. It’s their right to believe and conduct themselves in this matter as they choose. But I find it so discrediting when people who do not believe in God, who cannot prove their beliefs anymore than I can prove mine, say that they know there is no God and are unwilling to listen or consider opposing ideas.

People who do not believe in God, who would mock Him openly, a being that may actually exist despite their own beliefs, do so with a heart of arrogance, a closed mind, and a foolish sense of certainty. When you do that, you look as ridiculous as the people in this clip.

The Harms and Benefits of Reparative Therapy: You Decide

People have differences of opinions. We hear those differences each day in our conversations with family, friends, coworkers, fellow churchgoers, strangers, and see it and hear it on television in the shows that we watch, in the news, and in speeches from our elected politicians. We each get it into our minds that one thing or another is more right than something else. We each look at certain thoughts or opinions of others to be more wrong than our own. We each like to believe that what holds us together in our thoughts and actions are right. This is true most of the time whether we actually are in the right or not. Most people don’t like to be wrong. This can inevitably cause a lot of heated exchanges between people. We get frustrated in our lack of understanding, or angry at the opposing views that just don’t make sense to us. But, do we have to have such heated exchanges in order to present our ideas or beliefs to others? No. If we get into such conversations, we can do so with a sense of civility. If we are willing to keep our hearts and minds open to the concerns of others, to actually listen and attempt to understand their views, and be respectful to them in this process, then such heated exchanges should not take place. And if they do take place, forgiveness can always be offered and asked for.

I like to understand. I don’t like being wrong about something. It is the very reason why I have changed my mind on so many things throughout my lifetime. And there have been a lot of things I have been wrong about (and will probably continue to be wrong about). I can admit that.

Having such a mindset, it doesn’t bother me to engage in debates or arguments with others (I do try to keep them as civil as possible though, because those sorts of exchanges are the best to learn from). When I do that, I’m not doing it in order to prove anyone wrong, or to set myself up as being right. I just want to know if I’m wrong so that I can stop promoting stupidity on my part. The reason I don’t like to be wrong about something, is because I know if I am wrong, that could have some influence on someone else and cause them to be wrong or hurt somehow. I’ve never liked the thought of leading someone astray. And so, at times, I test my thoughts by trying to better understand those who oppose me.

There are a lot of reasons to believe that reparative therapy is wrong. I can fully understand why so many people would say that it’s a very terrible thing and should never be used or promoted. If you read my last post carefully, you will see that it is not something I would ultimately promote as a best course of action for anyone struggling with their sexuality. There are alternatives that can help so much more in the grand scheme of things.

I know a lot of people have been hurt in some very drastic emotional and physical ways because of certain reparative therapy techniques. People have undergone electric shock treatments, hypnosis, been given drugs, and even experienced religious exorcizing to remove the demons that cause homosexuality. Some people have even been beaten or whipped, food deprived, and sleep deprived in attempts to rid them of their “wicked thoughts/ways”. There have been a lot of such abuses. And I would call all of these things abuses, because they really cannot do any good whatsoever for a person experiencing any sort of struggle with their sexuality. These only cause harm to a person’s emotional and physical well-being. That being the case, I would wholeheartedly agree that any of these forms of reparative therapy should be banned and never promoted in any fashion whatsoever. I would find it hard to believe anyone wishing to free themselves of homosexuality would ever consider or give much thought to these techniques anyway. Even if they did, they should be discouraged.

But, these are not the only forms of reparative therapy.

Some techniques simply involve helping homosexual men who feel different or cut off from straight men to realize that they are not that different. This can include teaching a sport to homosexual men who may never have engaged in sports before because they felt pushed away or not good enough to participate in any of them. And I can tell you, when a homosexual adult man or teen learns to play and realizes they can play just as good as any straight guy, maybe even better than some of those straight guys who called them weak or pussies, that can make all the difference in the world to them. It builds self-confidence, a sense of belonging, and that sense of acceptance for themselves as a valid person/man. And it can teach that man is not necessarily their “other”.

Another technique may be to help a very effeminate man to realize that his effeminacy does not make him less of a man. A lot of straight guys are effeminate. And so, to teach this, gender roles and how society looks at such roles (including the changing mindsets of such things over time) fairly or unfairly may be discussed. That effeminate gay teen may realize he is no less a man and not gay simply because he is effeminate. He may become more comfortable just being himself.

Some techniques simply involve helping a person to trust God, and to fully accept His will over their own. Sometimes it can be incredibly difficult to abstain from something you physically and/or emotionally want. So, learning to pray for strength, for a way out of certain situations, and learning to ask for forgiveness if you do fall, can help a person a whole lot.

And then there are personal pains. Everyone has them, but not everyone handles their pain in the same way. I personally believe I became gay not just by genetics, but also because of certain environmental influences. Reparative therapy can be focused on dealing with those environmental influences. If you believe you became gay, in part, because you were, in a sense, rejected by those of your own gender, or because you reacted wrongfully in certain ways to being physically or emotionally abused, or because you rejected your own gender or the roles defined to your gender for certain reasons, then there is probably going to be a great deal of pain associated with that. Certain reparative therapies simply work at helping a person to deal with that pain in better ways than maybe he or she did in the past.

Teaching in itself is a form of therapy. Teaching people to love themselves as God loves them. Teaching people better ways to resist sinning. Teaching people better, more healthier ways of relating to others. Teaching people to forgive. Teaching people that their past doesn’t have to define them. All of these things can be very good for a struggling person.

People have differences of opinions. And that is okay. Some people believe all reparative therapies should be banned. I do not. I think if allowing a person the opportunity to do something that they believe will help them to grow in their faith in God and be a better person, then that should be allowed (so long as they aren’t hurting others). Some people who have undergone reparative therapy has hated it and wished that they’d have never participated with it. Other people have undergone it and believed it was the best thing they ever could have done. Who is right and who is wrong? Can they both be right?

I said in my last post that I am stubborn at times. I know this is true about me. And it was very true concerning one issue a few years back. I believed it was a sin to be gay. I didn’t trust anyone who said otherwise. I didn’t change my beliefs until I sought out and underwent reparative therapy. I don’t say that because the therapy didn’t help me. I say that because a lot of the therapy did help me. It allowed me to see that I’m not as different as I thought I was. It allowed me to feel more comfortable in my own skin. It allowed me to deal with a lot of pain I’d kept bottled up for many years. It allowed me to grow in my Christian faith. And it allowed me to eventually come to a conclusion that God isn’t as concerned about my sexuality as He is having a relationship with me. It helped me to better understand.

I thank God for all those people who helped me. First and foremost, I thank my Exodus counselor, Paul. He was a friend, first and foremost. He was always willing just to listen and to let me make up my own mind. And when he did push me, he pushed me to worry more about healing from past pains, relating better to others, and building my faith than on trying to change my sexuality. He was honest enough up front to tell me up front that even though it was possible for my sexuality to change, there was no guarantee that it would.

This was my experience with reparative therapy. And this is why I think it would be very bad not to allow people an opportunity to change. We allow people to try to change nearly whatever else they dislike about themselves, from hair and eye color, to the shape of their teeth and facial features, to weight, and so forth. And on some of those things, people realize, over time, that what they had to begin with really was best. The brunette trying to be a blond may decide after a few years that being a brunette really is what’s best for them. But how would that person know if they’d never tried being something else? If they’d never tried, they may have at the very least always had it in the back of their mind what could have been. I think it is the same for people who wish to change their sexuality. And what is worse, to allow people an opportunity to change something they dislike about themselves, something that may be very emotionally devastating to them for one reason or another, or to try to force them to accept something about themselves that they may just never be able to fully accept? I think it is better to let them make up their own minds. Let them try if that’s what they think is best for them. If it turns out to be something they like, then that should be looked at as great for them. If it turns out to be something they don’t like, then they can then work to accept how they are and realize their lives can still be good.

Looking back, I know I wouldn’t have been able to accept my homosexuality had I not first sought out help to no longer be homosexual. I really don’t think anyone could have helped me to accept that fact in any other way. I had to go through what I did to reach that conclusion on my own. And I know it is the same for many others. I also know that a lot of others have undergone reparative therapies and have liked whatever changes they have experienced (even if it means they only live as a heterosexual and do not actually become one). These are the reasons why I believe reparative therapies should continue to be allowed. Can they produce harm? Yes. I think in the wrong hands, just about anything can produce harm though. But can they produce something good? Yes.

People have differences of opinions. If a person wants to attempt to undergo reparative therapy, then I think they should be allowed to. This doesn’t mean that we should promote or encourage those techniques that have been used in the past and that have been proven very dangerous though. Nor does it mean we shouldn’t continue to try to show them there is a better way, and that it really is okay if they are attracted to members of the same sex. But if a person thinks changing his or her sexuality will improve their life somehow, then I think it really should be their decision to make. In time, their decision to attempt sexual orientation change will either be proven right, or they will prove themselves wrong. Either way, they should learn what is best for them.

Reparative Therapy

In my last post, I brought up the issue of anti-reparative therapy laws. After much thought, I decided it might be helpful to discuss my thoughts on the matter of reparative therapy a bit more thoroughly.

First off, what is reparative therapy? Reparative therapy (also known as conversion therapy) is treatment designed to help a person change their sexual orientation from homosexual or bisexual to heterosexual. Over the years, many Christian organizations, including Exodus International, have promoted reparative therapies in order to help a person struggling with their non-heterosexual desires and attractions to live a more Godly life. The idea is that God did not plan for anyone to be gay. That being the case, these therapies are designed to help you become as God intended: heterosexual.

As I mentioned in my last post, and as many of you know from reading this blog over the years, I have in the past undergone such therapy to help me change my sexual orientation from gay to straight. This mostly consisted of counseling, reading a bunch of literature on the subject, and trying out certain practices to change my mannerisms and behaviors and the way I relate to others, both male and female. Even though I learned a lot about myself in that process and did find some small level of decrease in my attractions to other men, I was never able to fully lose those attractions or become more attracted to women. My sexual orientation did not change.

Now, could it have changed? Yes. I think with God, anything is possible. God could have helped change my sexual orientation. But He didn’t. And the fact that He didn’t was proof enough for me that God is not overly concerned with who I’d like to share a bed with, so much as what sort of relationship I have with Him. I learned over time that being gay is not a sin, and is nothing that I should ever feel bad about.

Now that I’ve said “being gay is not a sin”, I should clarify what I consider “being gay” to mean, because I know even in this regard people have different definitions. To me, if someone says they are gay that ONLY means that they find people of the same sex sexually attractive. It does not mean that they sleep with (or have sex with) people of the same sex, nor does it mean they are atheist, drag queens, immoral, hedonistic, have rejected their sexual identity, or anything else. It ONLY means that they find people of the same sex sexually attractive. All of those other things are issues unto themselves. That being the case, I say again that being gay is not a sin. God does not have a problem with one man finding another man sexually attractive, or one woman finding another woman sexually attractive. God does not fault us for any temptations we may have. If we are faulted for anything, it is our actions. And even that, for two men (or two women) to love each other and be committed to each other in a sexual relationship, I’m not so sure anymore is something that God really has a problem with (we can discuss this at a later time).

I gave up trying to change my sexuality a long while back, and I did that because I just did not feel that it was working, and because I did not think it really mattered to God if I was gay or straight. But did this fight ever matter to me? Yes. It mattered more than anything. Why, you might ask? It mattered because deep down I knew that being gay meant that I was different. I knew the majority of people are not gay, and I thought wrongly that if God had wanted people to be gay, then many more people would be. I also thought, based on my own interpretations of the bible and those that I heard regularly at church, that being gay (not just when it came to actions, but to thoughts and temptations as well) was morally wrong. I heard people talk about gays going to hell and God hating gays, and I took that very personally. So much so that I thought God must really hate me, that there was no hope for me, that I was some sort of freak, and that if anyone ever knew the truth about me, they’d hate me and reject me as well.

Was I right, and were the people who told me such things or implied such things right? No. And should I have had to seek out treatment, believing I’d be more Godly if I were straight? No, I shouldn’t have. However, the damage was done. And this damage, as I said, was not solely brought on by others. A lot of it I brought upon myself. I put a lot of those chains around my neck and weighted myself down. I was prideful and embarrassed to admit I was gay. I was scared of how others would react. I thought if my parents knew they’d get all angry or depressed at the thought of me never marrying and having kids. In a nutshell, I worried too much about what others think, or would think. And I let that influence me negatively. It didn’t help, either, that I knew no one who was gay or who I thought would understand that I could talk to about it. And I know, in some instances, this caused me to believe in some of the stereotypes that you see on TV and in the movies. I thought I didn’t have much choice but to become like what I saw in media, and I didn’t want that. I had no role model or person to guide me at all. And so I became lost.

With everything that happened to me and that I went through, and knowing that it still can and does happen to others, I believe reparative therapies should not be completely banned. I believe they should be voluntary, but that they should continue to help people faced with similar problems. I believe this because when I first sought out help from Exodus, it was not so that I could learn to be a better human being or anything like that. I simply wanted someone or something to help me to no longer be gay. I received help in this area, but I was also taught by my counselor from Exodus that being straight should not be my goal. He told me this up front. He also helped me realize it was no sin to be attracted to other men, that gay sin was no worse than any other sin, and that if God could love all of those other sinners, surely He could continue to love me too. I thank Paul for teaching me these things, because they proved to mean more to me and be more helpful to me than any of that other stuff. But I know, looking back, I may not have believed Paul about these things had he not also offered to help me change my sexual orientation. At the time, that was what meant the most.

This last summer, Exodus International made a fairly big change. Alan Chambers, the president of Exodus International, announced that the organization would no longer support or promote reparative therapy. Their goal has changed from promoting a change in sexuality, to simply promoting a Godly lifestyle and a relationship with God in faith, whether gay or straight. This may sound too much like what they promoted before, but really it isn’t. There is that fine line distinction that makes the whole thing different. No longer will they advocate sexual orientation change as a part of living a life pleasing to God. What this means is that they now teach it is okay if you find people of the same sex sexually attractive. They have finally recognized that being gay is not a sin (for more about Exodus’ recent change, read this).

I think this new direction for Exodus is an important one. It’s important because it is more biblically based. Nowhere in any of the bible is it stated that being gay is a sin. Nowhere is it stated that if you are gay, you should become straight. And rather than focusing mostly on trying to help people become straight, they are going to do more to help people, whether gay or straight, find a relationship with God. This last thing I think is most important, because in this change, Exodus can now position itself as a true olive branch between the Church and those who have turned away from it or been hurt by it because of their sexuality. Exodus can now promote the truth that whether you are gay or straight, it doesn’t matter, anyone can begin a relationship with God, become saved in the faith and grace of His son, Jesus Christ, and can ultimately have forgiveness of their sins. They can also promote a better way for churches and ministers to reach out to those affected by homosexuality. I personally believe this will have a far better impact on the Church and in reaching out to bring homosexuals to Christ, than anything they were doing before.

But, if reparative therapy is no longer going to be offered or supported by them, how will those seeking that sort of help find it? As I’ve said, I do not believe reparative therapy should be banned or completely done away with. However, I do not believe reparative therapy is the best way to go for anyone struggling with their sexuality.

The best we can do is to reach out to our fellow LGBT neighbors, friends, family, and strangers with love and kindness. Truth is always best revealed when it is presented in love. If we in the church and as a society taught that it was okay to be gay, and that you could still be gay and be a Christian, and treat these people as we would want to be treated ourselves, then we might honestly begin to see a new dawn when Christians and homosexuals no longer view each other as enemies (at least to the degree that so many do today), but rather as friends—even if they do disagree from time to time. Instead of teaching people that they’re going to hell for being different, or pushing them out of the church, or fighting against them in any number of the ways that they have been fought, it would be far more beneficial for everyone involved using the sort of outreach Jesus himself modeled for us. Instead of hate, we love. Instead of pushing away, we welcome. Instead of lying, we tell the truth.

Now, I’m not saying that it’s okay to be gay and go around sleeping with everyone. Being sexually active outside of marriage, however it happens, is still sinful. It’s okay to be gay, but you can be gay and still sin sexually, just as any heterosexual can sin sexually. Both can be forgiven though. And whether a person is sinning sexually or in some other way, that shouldn’t keep us from responding to them as Christ would have.

So, where does all of this leave reparative therapy? My hope is that at some point, it can completely be a thing of the past, with no need for existence. I would hope that the church would open its arms and become a much more welcoming, less judgmental place. I would hope that parents would realize that even if their children grow up to be gay, that doesn’t mean there’s something wrong with them and it’s the end of the world. They’re still their child and they’re still worthy of their love and respect, and their lives can still be worthwhile and pleasing to God. I would hope that society in general would become less judgmental, and that people would particularly come to realize how negative some of their comments and actions can be sometimes. And, above all, I would hope that whenever a person is bothered, for whatever reason, by being gay, that they could learn to accept themselves and find help readily available to them whenever they should need it. I’d recommend a kind voice, an offer of friendship and support, and a good old fashioned hug to begin with.

But if these things never happen for a person, and if their entire hope rests upon the idea of becoming straight to improve their condition in life, then I would also hope that somebody would be willing to offer them the type of help that they want. Whether you think they are right or wrong for wanting that sort of help, it may not matter if offering it is the only way you can even begin to help them to see that there is a better way. Some people, such as I was, may just be too stubborn to believe any alternatives upfront. And so you have to work with them from where they’re at. From there, you can show them a better way.

Not a Disease

I’ve never very much cared for the notion that homosexuality is a disorder, or disease. I know a lot in the ex-gay community like to hold to an idea that, well, maybe not that homosexuality is a disease, but that it is certainly something to be cured from. And I know I have touted such thoughts before, but it is one that I disagree with now.

I don’t think homosexuality is something to be cured of, anymore than having brown eyes instead of blue eyes is something to be cured of. I think if a person is homosexual, then that is just what they are. It is certainly possible that God could change a person’s sexuality, but considering all the people who have earnestly tried for that and found no change in their sexuality, I believe even God must find such a change irrelevant. Being gay or straight doesn’t matter as much as following God, and nowhere in the bible is there a commandment for everyone to be straight.  Being gay is no sin.

We are all different in one way or another. Some of us are more different than others, but I think that is okay. Being gay should not be an issue. If anything should be an issue, it should simply be to resist (or at the very least try to resist) acting on temptations to commit sexual sins, as well as to build upon your faith and to allow Jesus to actually be the Lord and Savior of your life. This is relevant for all people, whether gay or straight, and I’d dare say a whole lot more important to God than who or what you are sexually attracted to.

Chick-fil-A, Not Gay... But that's Okay

I feel like I have to say something concerning the whole Dan Cathy, Chick-fil-A fiasco going on, and I’ll apologize ahead of time if this turns into a complete rant.

Apparently, at some point, Dan Cathy, the owner of fast food chicken restaurant, Chick-fil-A, made some comments opposing same-sex marriage, lacing his comment with certain religious contexts or basis. He also, reportedly, contributed money to certain organizations who speak out against same sex marriage. Since doing so, those opposing his beliefs (those in favor of same-sex marriage) have created an all out fire storm against this guy. Big city mayors, such as Rham Emanuel, and other politicians, have supported boycotting his company, and even resorted to personal attacks against him. Some citizens have even verbally harassed his employees, including those gay employees whom Mr. Cathy apparently had no problem hiring to work for him.

To begin with, as a gay man, I have no problem whatsoever with Dan Cathy having his own opinion, being vocal about it, and spending his own money to promote those with similar ideas (Exodus International supposedly being one of those groups, and a group that actually does, believe it or not, help many gay men and women every year—myself being one such person, even though I disagree with some of their stances). So he believes marriage should only be between one man and one woman. So what? Who didn’t believe that twenty years ago? Most Christians, as Dan Cathy is, still believe this. Most Americans still believe this.

AND IT IS HIS RIGHT TO BELIEVE AS HE CHOOSES!!! IT IS ALSO HIS RIGHT TO SPEEK FREELY ABOUT HIS BELIEFS ACCORDING TO THE UNITED STATES CONSTITUTION!!!

I get so annoyed by the hypocrisy of others in situations like this. I can’t stand it when people want free speech to assert their positions/beliefs, but will then do everything in their power to shut up the opposition. I’m sorry liberals, but in this case, I think you are wrong. Mr. Cathy should have every right to say what he thinks and to spend his money as he sees fit. That doesn’t mean that you have to like it. It also doesn’t mean that you have to support him or his business; you don’t have to buy his food! And, as a politician, if you are publicly speaking out against him, sorry, but that means you are crossing the line of your beloved separation of church and state, by discriminating against him and his beliefs. Furthermore, WE THE PEOPLE do have in this country a little thing called free speech. And as long as we have this right, Mr. Cathy is right, so far as in his actions and beliefs in this matter. Sorry, but that’s just how it is. Get over it and move on.

Now, concerning the whole thing, I personally believe that we should allow same-sex marriages in this country. I believe that because we also allow religious freedom in this country and because I recognize that there are already two separate kinds of marriages that we allow. One is marriage with religious contexts, and the other is a purely secular marriage. We do allow nonreligious people in this country to get married. That being the case, it seems as though we would also allow same-sex couples to marry. We should not impose our religious beliefs on others. In this case, Mr. Cathy may be somewhat wrong, by his funding groups that do work to prohibit same-sex marriages.

However, religion does play a role in the whole controversy surrounding Mr. Cathy. I really do not believe he did what he did because he hates gays. On the contrary, I think he did it because he loves his faith, and wanted to stand up for what he thinks is right according to that faith. It is the same reason why I have opposed certain gay friendly measures before. As a Christian, traditional teaching opposes homosexual relationships. It also opposes marriage as being anything other than a one man, one woman relationship. So, as I see it, Mr. Cathy was simply expressing his religious beliefs. And, again, so long as we have religious freedom in this country, Mr. Cathy is in the right.

Now, please don’t get me wrong. I feel as if I’ll end up getting a fire storm myself for not being ultra-politically correct on my wording of things here. I’m not saying that freedom of religion and speech make Mr. Cathy’s viewpoints right. What I’m saying is that, whether he is right or wrong about his beliefs, he does have a right, and is in the right, to be vocal about his beliefs.

Sorry liberals, but the Constitution has not yet been thrown out the window. Until you’ve had your way with that, you’ll just have to accept that if you get the right to be heard, then so do those who oppose you.

Of Self, Sex, Love, and Relationships

I ask the question, “Why?” I keep thinking about why I would be attracted to other men, why I would always have had this inner wish when I was little to have been born a girl, why I would have so much difficulty throughout all of life relating to other men, why God would so strongly disapprove of me being in a romantic relationship, and I can’t help but wonder for what purpose it is all for. Why, of all things to struggle with in life, do I have to struggle with gender identity/sexual orientation issues? Why not something a little more common that doesn’t influence the very nature of my being? Why not just pornography, masturbation, greed, gluttony, anger, alcoholism, lust, jealousy, etc.? Not that any of these things are any less difficult to fight or deal with, but none of them bring into question the physical aspect of who you are. No, I have to struggle with the very nature of my identity as a human being. I don’t feel nor think of myself in very masculine terms most of the time, even though I do recognize many of the masculine traits I do have. A lot of the time, I don’t relate fully to being male or female, but something in between. And that in between reality pulls me in both directions so much of the time. I know I am male, and I like that I’m male, but my mind and perception of self is so female it isn’t even funny. This impacts the way I relate to others in virtually every possible manner, including sexuality.

When I think of sex, it is not at all from the typical heterosexual male’s point of view. On the contrary, my first instincts are very much alike to the typical heterosexual female’s point of view (me being in one of maybe three sexual positions with a man on top of me). And, also, like the typical heterosexual woman, even though there is certainly physical pleasure to be enjoyed during sex, it is the closeness to the person making love to me that I desire the most (this isn’t to suggest that no straight men feel the same in this regard—remember I’m talking about instincts and I’m basing this off of past conversations with straight men and women). That’s what I think of whenever sex comes to mind. Those are my first instincts, and that’s pretty much always been the case (spare for a select few occasions).

I’ve had sex with three different people in my life. I know that may come as a shock to some of you, but it is the truth I have to live with, and I do feel regret for. When I was twelve years old, I became sexually active with a boy that was a couple of years younger than me. For the most part, we were only experimenting with each other. We were learning about sex together. I know this had little to do with attraction, but I was still drawn to do those things with him. It just seemed natural to want to, and he was willing.

Sometime during this two year course, I also had sex with a girl. That was a onetime event, which I have no illusions about—I wanted to prove to myself I could be with a girl.

Neither of these people do I wish I’d have had sex with, and I know they feel the same. I wasn’t in love with either of them, nor did either of them love me. But I look back at that time in my life and see how incredibly stupid I was (and how stupid they were too). The things I did during those two years filled me full of regret, sorrow, and self-hate. I layered those feelings on top of me for years. I knew it was just about sex, wanting that physical pleasure.

I allowed those feelings to pretty much diminish any thought of ever actually being with anyone in any sort of relationship. I just thought there wasn’t much real possibility of that happening. But, in spring of 2010, I began (reluctantly) dating a woman that I went to school with. I wrote about that relationship many posts back, calling her Eve.

I loved Eve. There was a lot about her to love. But that relationship fell apart. This happened for many reasons. The biggest reason was just that we didn’t have any of the same long term goals for our lives. Even though we knew this, we still wanted desperately to be together in the short term.

Eve was the third person I became sexually active with. I could give a lot of excuses for why this came about, but I won’t. This was just another reason our relationship fell apart though. After awhile she thought she’d become pregnant. Like most people hearing this sort of news, we wizened up more than a lot. I know both of us really looked much more seriously at the relationship we had. It turned out that she wasn’t pregnant, but we both realized we’d made some very wrong decisions. We both knew that neither of us was willing to give up some of the dreams we’d carried for ourselves for so long. And if that was true, then we never should have allowed ourselves to go so far with each other. She accepted, before I did, that if we weren’t going to be with each other in the future, then we shouldn’t continue being with each other at all. And that’s why she broke up with me.

I was devastated when that relationship ended. I know I really did love Eve. And I know she really did love me, too. We’re still on good terms with each other. But in hindsight, I know the love we had was, at least in part, conditional. I also know there were problems with our relationship extending beyond those I’ve already mentioned. I was never really able to feel comfortable being physically intimate with her, in any regard, or to ever lead in that relationship, even when she wanted me to. I couldn’t be what is required for that sort of relationship—physically or relationally. I felt so awkward so much of the time, as though I was a straight woman trying to be with another woman. It just seemed to completely unnatural for me to be with her. This inner sense kept coming up while we were together. I often think Eve recognized this, too, though she never said anything. She did know I was attracted to other men, and was always very understanding about that. But I do think it impacted our relationship. And I never thought it was very fair to her.

I learned several things from that relationship though. One was that sex can ruin something beautiful. Another is that just because you’re in love doesn’t mean you have to have sex. And a third is that I will never again have sex with anyone unless it’s the person I’m going to spend the rest of my life with—and I’ll give that more than a few months to figure out—because the pain of doing otherwise is just too great.

I also learned a great deal about myself though. I was able to see how a relationship with a woman could be possible. It could work, and I won’t rule out the possibility of that ever happening again. But I do see how unfit and unmatched I was for that sort of relationship. I know I was always on the wrong end of it. My best match is to be with another man, romantically and relationally speaking—that’s what works. Being with Eve, I saw that more clearly. I also saw who I really want to be with.

I’ve suppressed my love for a male friend for a very long time now. I loved him even while I was with Eve. And, unlike with Eve, I know the love I have for him is unconditional. We’ve had many ups and downs, but our friendship has survived (longer than any other I could mention). I think he is handsome, though I doubt few others would think of him beyond average. He is smart and witty. He loves to write and talk about religion and politics. I love that he challenges me in my thinking, that he is always patient with me, always willing to listen, always willing to be there for me. And I love his faith in God. We have so many things we share in common. And I know if I could choose one person to spend the rest of my life with, he would be my pick. I would choose to give everything of myself to him, without regret, and I don’t doubt that for even a second.

It hurts knowing how much I love him, knowing I’ve found the person I want to spend the rest of my life with, knowing that he could share those same feelings with me, but knowing that that can never happen. I’ve struggled so much trying to figure out how to respond to this love. It is not just the love for a friend. It is beyond any measure a romantic love as well. It’s both, really. I want to be able to look him in the eyes and tell him I love him, and for him to know that beyond God, that holds most for him. I want to be able to come home to him every day. I want to embrace him. I want to hold hands with him. I want to hear his voice and feel his presence every day. I want to take care of him when he’s sick. I want to grow old with him. I want to feel my soul connected with his. I want to do all those things a married couple can do together. And, yes, to even make love with him. And yet, I resist.

And I ask, “Why?” Why do I struggle with this thing? Why is it that I’ve come so far to learn so much what true love is all about, and to truly love someone in this manner, just to be told that it’s an unholy love that God would never approve of? Why is it so wrong for me to want to share myself with someone that I love so much? Why and for what purpose would God ever allow me to go through such a thing? Love is one of the greatest things in this world, something that Christ himself advocated more than anything else, and yet I’m denied the love of another?

I know I can be loved, but there are different kinds of love. I want to be able to love someone where I can give everything of myself—my body, my mind, my soul, my time, everything, and to know that it is all out of love. You can’t really love a friend like that. And there’s the difference. My struggle isn’t one of wanting sex. It is one of wanting to experience that sort of love and being told no, and that answer making no sense at all anymore.

I want to do what’s right, but I know I want to do it because it makes sense. Not just because it’s what I’ve always been told, which is based so much on what others have always thought, who had no real idea what sort of thing they were talking about. I don’t want to accept a teaching that I honestly do think may have come about only out of prejudice and misunderstanding.

I look at the story of Adam. God saw it wasn’t good for man to be alone, and yet He’s asking me to be alone? I look at Jesus’ commandment to love, and yet I’m told the greatest of loves isn’t okay for me? It just doesn’t make sense.

And so I struggle on trying to make sense out of it all.

It's Not Just About Sex

Lately, I’ve been talking about some very strong struggles going on within me. I know I’ve made myself addicted to pornography and masturbation, and that I’ve used those two things to try to ease some of the stress, loneliness, and outright depression that I’ve felt. And, to an extent, I know that I’ve felt somewhat more normal or allowed to just be myself through seeing pornography. I see other men doing things that to me just seem to be a normal thing to want. I see them and I feel less different, I guess. But I know these are two things that I want to fight, and I’ve been trying really hard to stop engaging in both over the course of the last few weeks. I’ve admittedly had some falls along the way, but I’ve also found that the longer I’ve tried, the less the desires have been to give into them.

At the same time, however, I have been taking a second look at my decision to remain celibate. This has been brought on by certain lingering doubts that have developed over the course of this last year. I’ve thought about certain various aspects of the Christian faith and wondered seriously if Christians throughout time haven’t managed to get a few things wrong now and then. I see some things that are contradictory or that just don’t make sense at all really. And so I wonder if I’ve honestly made the right decision.

I believe God loves me and will always love me no matter what I do. I believe I am saved through Christ, and that I am offered forgiveness through that faith. I know that forgiveness doesn’t mean I am free to sin without care. I do care. But I know that no matter how hard I’ve ever tried, I always manage to sin one way or another eventually. I know my only hope is through Christ. And I know in my heart He will forgive me if I get a few things wrong.

I have also disclosed the fact that I am in love with someone. I’ve loved him for going on four years now. I wish so much I could be with him. And this is not just about sex, or lust, or anything like that. I know I love him because of who he is, how much we have in common, how much I enjoy his company, how much it warms my soul just the thought of him.

A newfound friend wrote to me the other day, including an excerpt from a story by Corrie Ten Boom. In the story, Corrie was in love with a man who ended up marrying someone else, and her father gave her the advice to pray to love this man in a different way.

I’ve tried to do this myself. Sometimes it helps, but more often than not, it just makes me feel as though I’m throwing away the best thing that could ever happen to me. But I go on trying to let God lead me wherever and to whomever he sees fit.

I’m trying. That’s all I can really say right now.

In all of this, I have actually been in better spirits the last few days. For anyone who has been praying for me, I want to thank you, because I’m sure it’s helped. How much better would life be if we would all pray so much more for each other? I think it’d surprise us a lot.

What It Means

What does it mean to be gay and Christian? Do you adhere to traditional teachings about homosexuality, and refrain from acting on your desires? Do you accept a more modern interpretation of scripture, and find some grounds for which being with someone of the same sex is okay? Do you leave your faith? Do you sin in light of your beliefs? What decision will you make? And what will life be like for you after you’ve made your decision?

The last few months, I’ve been considering so many different beliefs and aspects of my life. I know this has mostly been brought on by the passing of my grandma. I’ve missed her so much that it’s been killing me inside. I wish so much she was still here. But in her passing, I keep thinking about my own life. How much longer do I have left? What sort of life do I really want to have? When (or if) I’m an old man, nearing my own death, what sort of life do I want to be able to look back on? What will I regret? What will I have wished I’d done differently? All these things have been on my mind, and it’s caused me to reexamine so many different things.

One thing on my mind lately is do I really want to look back on my life wishing I’d chosen to be with (or at least have tried to be with) someone. There is someone, a close friend, who I actually have been in love with for a few years now. It’s been so incredibly hard not acting on that love. I don’t know if he’d ever reciprocate (it is possible), but just the thought of regret, on my part, later in life seems to loom heavily on my mind right now. I don’t want to go through life living alone, never being able to share my life intimately with anyone else, and regretting that decision later on when it’s too late to do anything about it. And with this in mind, I’ve thought again about what I really believe in my faith. In that course, I’ve found a few things to doubt and a few questions that haven’t been answered. As I said a few posts back, I’m still not sure what to think.

I do know this, though: I’m not happy with my life right now. I don’t like a lot of my circumstances, nor do I like some of the decisions I’ve made. I know I’ve allowed fear, pride, shame, and even laziness hold me back on certain things. I know I’ve also let others hold me back some. I just feel like I’m in a rut. I see what I’d like my life to be like, knowing it could be that way, but it not being that way because of certain obstacles being in my path. Some of those obstacles may be a good thing though, and that’s what I’m unsure about.

But what will it mean if I keep on the path I’ve been on? What will it mean for me if I never seek out or have a relationship with another man? It could honestly mean a lot of things. It could mean that I’ll never wake up in the arms of another man; that I’ll never have someone to share my most intimate thoughts with; that I’ll never have a family of my own; that I’ll never have sex; that I’ll never have someone who’ll take care of me and who I can take care of; that I’ll never have someone to come home to; that I’ll never know what it’s like to be a half of someone else. It could also mean none of those things. Some of those things could happen in other ways. Above all, though, it could mean that I’ve either done the right thing, or an unnecessary thing. It could mean that I’ve lived my life honoring God’s teachings and wants for my life, or that I’ve lived my life worrying about something God understands and was okay with. It could mean any of those things.

In the end, I just want to be able to look back on my life, whether at the end of my life or in the hereafter, and say that it was a life worth having lived, that I was happy, and that I did what was right.

On that last point, I can’t help but think about our commandment to love, as well as it being a sin not to do the good that we could have done. I don’t want to get to the end of my life, and then have to face God in the next and Him ask me why I never accepted the love of another person, why I never shared my love with the person I love, why I never accepted a soul mate He sent me. I can’t help but believe at this moment, that I would be nothing less than ashamed of the answer I’d give Him: “Everyone told me it was wrong.” And what would He tell me? “Why didn’t you follow your heart? Why didn’t you notice the signs I sent you?”

You see, it’s things like that I keep wrestling with. What’s right and what’s wrong? Not knowing, I’ll not yet change course. I’ll continue being celibate for the time being, until some answer crashes down on me. But I know I doubt that decision so much right now, and it’s absolutely driving me crazy.

Q&A

A few of you asked me some questions following my last two posts, and I thought I should take some time to respond to them seriously.

You asked:

1) Am I trying to rationalize giving into something I know is wrong? Is that the reason I’m undecided about being in a relationship?

2) Do I rely too much on my feelings, or emotions, in determining my actions, or how I respond to certain things?

3) Do I need an accountability partner?

4) Do I have certain preconceived notions about how God should relate to me, or even intervene, in my life?

5) What contradictions do I see in the bible?

To begin with, I will admit that I’m not sure what to think anymore. So many Christians have told me so many different things that I honestly don’t know what’s true and what isn’t. And I don’t know how much I can trust the word of any one particular person.

I have my faith in God. I believe I am saved through Christ. I pray on a regular basis. I want to please God. And I want to be a part of the Christian family, to help other Christians and to bring others into that family.

But I doubt so many things. To begin with, I’m not sure how much the bible can be trusted. I think it can be trusted more than not. But I believe it may not be entirely accurate—God inspired or not. I believe this because I know it was written by man, and man is fallible—even the Godly ones. Jesus himself rebuked Peter and his other disciples numerous times for not fully understanding him. If that is the case, then how can we be completely sure that they, and others, didn’t misinterpret or fully understand other things that they wrote about?

With this in mind, I also take into account the fact that our understanding of the body and how it works has changed over time. People know better concerning this today than what they did during biblical days. People used to believe seizures and the like were demon possessions, for instance, but we hardly call them that today. Knowing this, I can’t help but wonder if homosexuality is just another instance of not fully knowing. I look at just how ignorant people are today about homosexuality. It’s not all just about actions or conduct. I think you can actually BE homosexual. A lot of Christians just seem to think everyone is straight, and that homosexuality is just a desire to act up. I don’t believe this. I think some people actually ARE homosexual. I think it goes beyond temptations; that it’s a part of who a person is. Any version of myself as straight, I’ve absolutely hated. It’s just not me. I might as well be trying to change my sex completely. And the thing is, I believe God actually loves ME, the homosexual me, and not some phony version of what somebody else thinks I should be.

It says in the Old Testament that it was sinful to eat shellfish. Really? I mean, we’ve been eating shellfish for centuries now. It also says that God’s people are supposed to be circumcised. But that’s not been a requirement since the beginning of Christianity. People were also told not to marry between races, but this is accepted now. Jesus said he was not here to abolish the law, but to fulfill it. If that is true, then shouldn’t we still be following the law? Jesus himself said he wasn’t here to abolish it. But then we are also told that we are saved through our faith. And so, if we have faith, does following or not following at all times the laws concerning sin condemn us or take away our salvation? And what about Jesus telling us it’s not what goes into the body, but what comes out of it that makes us unclean? If two men express their love, in marriage, by having sex, is this really an unclean act—if they do this out of their love for each other?

Who’s right today? Is the Catholic Cannon, the King James Version, or the NIV, among a dozen or more other versions of the bible, the right one, or most accurate one to adhere to? One group says infant baptism is right, another says it isn’t? Who is right? One group practice the sacraments, another doesn’t. Who is right? One group says to tithe, while another says to give from the heart. Who is right? One group says you are saved by faith alone, while another says you must have faith accompanied by good deeds. Who is right? I mean, I could go on and on with this line of questions. Are the Catholics right; the Baptists; the Methodists; the Non-Denominationals; who?

Am I trying to rationalize something I know is wrong? No. I don’t know whether the thing I want is wrong or not anymore. I don’t know if the things people thousands of years ago believed was wrong really were wrong—so many other things aren’t considered to be anymore. The definition seems to change from time to time and place to place.

And am I an emotional, feelings based person? Yes. I know I am. But what is really wrong with this? I’m not saying that if I didn’t feel God’s presence that I accept He’s not there. I believe He’s always with me. But there are times when I don’t feel His presence, and during those times it is so much harder to fight. It does make me feel alone. And even when I pray anyway, and continue trying to do what’s right, it doesn’t alleviate how I feel or the fact that those feelings make it harder to deal with things. If I say I feel something, felt something, believe something, or did something or reacted to something out of emotions, it is only because I am being truthful and accepting of what’s going on inside of me, rather than being numb, blind, or ignorant. I don’t always do everything based on my emotions. I know at times I do, and this is sometimes a problem. But when or if I speak of my feelings, it is me trying to get out simply what is going on inside of me. My actions are not always dictated by how I feel. If that wasn’t true, I’d have left Christ long ago, screwed at least a dozen other men, murdered someone, lied a million and one times more than I ever have, killed myself, or any number of any other incredibly horrendous things by now. And so, if I write a lot about my feelings, please keep this in mind. And if you see where I’ve acted on my feelings, wrongly, don’t be afraid to question me about it. But just make sure of what I’m really trying to get out.

Do I have certain preconceived notions about God? Yes, I believe, rightly or wrongly, I do. I believe God loves me unconditionally. I believe God is always willing to forgive me when I ask him to. I believe God gives me direction, and has led me throughout most of my life. I believe God gives me strength and wisdom. I believe God has blessed me richly. I believe God wants to know me, and wants me to know Him. I believe God works to help people who so desperately need him. I believe he can use anyone to His benefit. I believe He can and does reveal himself to us through so many ways. I believe God is all knowing, all powerful, and everlasting. I believe God is the creator of all things. I believe God is patient. And I believe, with God, all things are possible. Those are my preconceived notions about God.

When it comes to accountability, I have nobody I feel comfortable with confiding in. I’ve had many different accountability partners before. None were really ever able to help me and none ever really acted as though they really wanted to. That is, none wanted to be in it with me for the long run. To an extent, I’ve actually been looking at this blog as a substitute of sorts lately just to help in this area.

And in all of this, what do I want?

I want to go to bed and wake up in the morning beside the man I’ll spend the rest of my life with. I want someone I can come home to. I want someone who’ll love me no matter what. I want someone I can cook for. I want someone I can hold hands with, kiss, and hug. I want someone I can curl up next to and watch a movie with. I want someone I can travel the world with. I want someone who will know I’m his no matter what. I want someone I can trust and confide in. I want someone I can spend the holidays with and spend time with his family. I want someone who will care for me when I’m sick. I want someone I can be happy with—even when times are bad. I want someone who will believe and worship in God alongside of me. I want to be married to another man. I want to love and be loved, and to dedicate my body and soul to that person. That’s what I want.

Some would call this selfish; that I’m thinking only of myself. I find this so condescending and hypocritical. When a straight woman wants these things, she isn’t called selfish. Her wants are said to be good. But when I want these things, because I am a homosexual man, it is said to be selfish. How is it selfish, or evil, for me to want to spend my life with someone? And not just as a friend, but as a real this-person-is-your-other-half-in-all-ways lifelong partner.

I may not know for certain if what I want is wrong, but I know that it is only common and natural for people to want to be with others this way. Unlike most men, I just do not want to be with a woman.

So, that’s where I’m at right now. You can wrap all this stuff up together and surely see why I’ve been so completely conflicted. And, really, this isn’t even considering all of the personal issues I’ve been dealing with lately.

In all, please just pray for me. And forgive me if I seem a bit on edge. It has been a hard day, I’m tired, and... well, just pray for me. I do want your thoughts/comments/advice/words of wisdom/etc., so hopefully I’ve not scared anybody off yet. I really do appreciate your all’s comments on such things.

Prop 8 Overturned

So the news today is that the highly controversial gay marriage ban in California, known as Proposition 8, has been struck down by Chief U.S. District Judge Vaughn Walker. I could go into all the details of this ruling, but those are points of interest which many others are sure to write about on other sites, so I will refrain from going there. I will, however, give you my thoughts on this decision…

I say it’s about time.

As you all know, I am a Christian. I am also gay (I say that only meaning that I find other guys attractive). What this means is that I can somewhat objectively look at the issue of gay marriage from two different perspectives. In a lot of ways, I do agree with a lot of those in support of Prop 8. I believe marriage was designed and defined by God, and that it was meant to be something between a man and a woman only. I also agree that marriage has historically only been that way. However, I am not in support of Proposition 8.

My reasons for this are many. To begin with, I don’t believe anyone has the right to tell two consenting adults what sort of relationships they should or should not be allowed to have with each other. It’s nobody’s business if two men (or two women) want to love and be with each other and celebrate their relationship through a state of marriage. Just like what goes on in their bedroom is no one else’s business. I really wonder what straight people would think and feel if they were told they couldn’t have sex anymore, or date, or get married. They’d find it a travesty and an outrage. And yet, when they tell gay people they can’t do those things, it’s supposed to be perfectly okay, and they can’t understand the outcry against them. Go figure, but I find the argument on their part more than hypocritical. Just as I think it’s nothing short of immoral to prevent gay partners from having things such as inheritance, medical, and parental rights.

Secondly, I don’t think it is right for Christians to force (or at least try to force) their viewpoints onto others. I get so frustrated by people who think everyone should believe exactly as they do. And, again, when they try to force their viewpoints onto others and the response given back to them is mostly negative, they just can’t seem to understand this. They cut their own throats by trying to bully people into their way of thinking. Now, on this point, it is my belief that if Christians would say “live and let live” and allow gays and lesbians just to live their lives and make their own choices, and actually treat them with kindness, respect, love, and understanding—you know, the way Jesus treated people—then the response given back to them would be more positive. As I’ve said before, you can’t win flies with vinegar.

Thirdly, the whole argument that gay marriage will destroy the family is so bogus it’s laughable. How can gay marriage possibly devastate the family more than divorce? You’re talking about two men who may or may not somehow end up being able to raise a kid. Wow, the horror of it! It’s not like that’s something that doesn’t already happen among heterosexuals. I’m helping to raise my brother’s kids, for instance (think of Two and Half Men also—that’s a more common family set up than you may think). Oh, and, if you didn’t know, Christians have the highest divorce rate in this country. Anyone who has been through a divorce or experienced their parent’s divorce should know just how devastating that can be on everyone involved. Seems like if marriage was so important to Christians, then they’d actually, you know, work more on their own marriages.

And before this post just turns into a complete rant, I’ll leave my reasoning at that. What I’ve said so far is enough in itself to believe that gay marriage should be allowed. I don’t have to agree or approve of gay marriage, but I’ll be if I’m going to block others from it if that’s something they want to do.

Honey Verses Vinegar

Jeff posted an incredible story on his blog, and I thought it was worth posting as well. Please read this story, as it demonstrates the type of positive, rather than often times negative, impact Christians can have on others.

I know what it feels like to be mistreated by fellow Christians. It hurts. I've never received an apology from the ones who mistreated me, or from the church where they attended, but it would feel so nice and would ease certain bitterness, anger, and disappointment if they would. What you have hopefully read and understood from this story is that there are so many homosexuals (and others) out there, hurting, and that much of that hurt has come from the church itself. And there's no reason for it. Sinners don't have to be feared, hated, bashed, belittled, tortured, rejected or anything else like that. Instead, they should be loved.

You can't help people if you treat them like crap. You have to set a good example, and pray and help them to be better people. And even if that doesn't work, you must still love, pray and help them, but also understand that each person has his or her own decisions to make in life. You may not like some of the decisions other people make, but these are their decisions to make and their lives to live. Just because you disagree with them, doesn't mean you should mistreat them. That never says anything about them, or helps them in any way whatsoever. But it does say something rather negative about you if that is the sort of person you choose to be. So, don't be that type of Christian. And, if you have been in the past, seriously think about saying "I'm sorry" to the person you mistreated.

A Work in Progress--Stop the Hatred!

I dedicate this post to the memory of Matthew Shepard, and to the family and friends he left behind. I pray his story is never forgotten.

Lately I’ve felt very hopeful about life. For the first time in a really long time, I feel as though my life is going in a really good direction. And I feel as though I’m letting go of some of my past. I’ve been able to shake off some of those old wounds and some of the things preventing me from moving forward, and I’ve been able to accomplish a lot of things I doubted I would ever be able to accomplish. I feel free. And I have God to thank for all of this.

Sometimes I have a hard time understanding God. There are times when I feel so close to Him, as though he’s a part of my every being. Other times, I feel as though He’s a stranger I only barely knew, but who no longer comes around. I wonder why He continues to be so good to me. I’ve done so many things against Him. I think that’s part of the beauty of God. He’s always working on me, always with me, always paving a way for my life, even if I don’t recognize it. He always loves me.

I am a sinner. I sin in some way or another probably every single day. Sometimes I sin intentionally, and sometimes it’s unintentional. Regardless, I sin. But God still loves me.

I don’t understand people who claim that God hates. Most of you who regularly read my blog know that I am gay. I am sexually attracted to other men. I try hard not to act upon my attractions, because I am a Christian and I believe homosexual activity is sinful. But I will admit, sometimes I do act on those attractions.

Some people in the church would say that my sins are worse than the sins of others. They look down on homosexuals and treat us with a certain air of disgust or unconcern. I don’t understand people like this. I don’t understand how someone can claim to be a Christian but believe some people are better than others, and believe that some aren’t worth saving or knowing, or worth the love of God. It bothers me greatly whenever I hear somebody say “God hates fags”. That statement is a lie and demeaning in so many ways. It is equally demeaning to hear phrases like “That’s so gay” or “What a fag”. I believe Christians should know better. Everyone sins. No sin is worse than another. True, some may have greater consequences than others, but all are equally offensive to God. But despite that, God loves us. How do I know this? Because he came to earth in the form of Jesus Christ and died for each and every one of us so that we may not perish on account of our sins. God took the punishment upon himself that we each should rightfully bear on our own. He didn’t do this for only a select few sinners. He did this for every sinner. What greater message of love could there be? And what right does any of us have to deny anyone the experience of knowing that love? As Christians, we should never be exclusionary of anyone. We should strive to love every single person of the world in the same fashion that Jesus loves. We should reach out to them, befriend them, and help bring them into the fold. And oh what a difference we could make if we would all do that!

It also bothers me to see Christians stand on the sidelines when others belittle or mistreat people. Too often I’ve seen fellow Christians do nothing to help the person being mistreated. There is no excuse for this. Now, I’m not tooting my own horn here, because I have certainly been guilty of this myself, and I pray God forgives me for this, but we should never allow our fears or prejudices keep us from doing what is right. No one deserves to be abused. When we Christians see that happening to someone, we should do everything in our power to help stop that abuse. If we do nothing, we send the message that we condone what is being done. What a horrible message to send to the world! We should be teaching ourselves and others to stop this sort of thing, and to speak out against it whenever we see it happening.

I feel sorry for people who hate. They wreck their own lives and the lives of others through their hatred. And what good is that? A young man in Wyoming named Matthew Shepard was beaten to death a few years ago because he was gay. I wonder why? What fuels that sort of hatred in a person that they would take someone out to the middle of nowhere, tie them to a fence, beat them within an inch of their life, and then leave them for dead? I don’t understand something like that. I don’t understand how someone could allow their hatred for something to build so much that they would brutally attack and kill a person like that. I don’t know if Matthew felt as I do, but I don’t look at myself only as being gay. There is so much more to who I am than what gender I find sexually attractive. I am also a son, a brother, a grandson, a nephew, an uncle, a friend, a Christian, a teacher, a writer, an environmentalist, and so many other things. My identity is not solely wrapped around the one thing that so many people seem to hate. When you kill or abuse a person out of hatred, know that there is more to that person than just the thing you hate. And know that despite your hatred for the person, there are others who love them. Know the loss and the sorrow that you cause them because of your actions.

I support hate crimes legislation for homosexuals. I haven’t always, but as I’ve aged and developed in my faith, I see no reason in the world now not to support it. I do believe the legislation should be written fairly and just, however, protecting the rights of everybody involved. I say this because some pieces of past suggested legislation has been written in a way that would punish a person because they believe homosexuality is wrong. I believe a person can believe this without hating or committing acts of violence, and should be allowed to express their beliefs if they choose. I don’t believe that in particular is criminal in nature so long as it doesn’t lead to harassment or the demeaning of an individual. Regardless, when so many people do hate homosexuals and do discriminate or commit acts of violence against homosexuals because of their hatred, I believe homosexuals should be allowed protection under the law.

As I mentioned earlier, I know there are some people, both Christian and not, who would hate me, or at least dislike me, because of my attractions to other men. I also know, however, how very much God loves me and is constantly working in my life to make me a better person and to lead me to a better place in life. I wish others would recognize this before condemning a person. We are all sinners, but we are all loved by God, can be saved, and have the potential to do so many great things in our lives and in the lives of others around us for the glory of God. When you hate a person, you potentially keep them from realizing these things.

Yes, I am a sinner, but I am also a work in progress, I have value as a human being, and I am loved by God.

Why This Christian Guy Won't Stand in the Way of Gay Marriage

For several years now, people in the United States have debated about the rights of homosexuals to marry. Those of the Christian faith, at large, have typically disapproved on account of the biblical prohibitions of homosexual relationships as outlined in the book of Leviticus (Ch. 12, v. 13) in the Old Testament and by the Apostle Paul’s writings in the New Testament (1 Cor. 6:9). As a Christian, I disapprove of homosexual relationships, including gay marriages. However, unlike a great many of my fellow brothers and sisters in Christ, I believe it would be in our best interest to allow gay marriages in our country.

One thing we have to keep in mind is that, even though many Christian men founded our nation, we are not a Christian nation. Our founders were wise enough to create a nation with religious freedom, wherein the government cannot establish any one religion above another, or impose any set of religious beliefs on its citizens. That being the case, we are allowed to believe whatever we want to believe, and, unless an action causes some form of abuse to another, we are allowed to live our lives as we see fit.

In a secular world, some people do not believe homosexual relationships are wrong. If I were not a Christian, I would see very little wrong about homosexual relationships either. One of the arguments many homosexuals make in favor of gay marriage is that nobody is harmed by it. If two men (or two women) choose to unite themselves in a committed, loving relationship (marriage), how does that harm anyone? It is a personal decision between the two, just as it is with heterosexual couples, and would affect them alone. That being the case, why shouldn’t gay marriages be allowed in our country?

If the reason is that we’re concerned about our children being negatively influenced, well, perhaps we should do a better job influencing them ourselves. But from a Christian perspective, anyone who engages in sinful behaviors or a sinful lifestyle is harming themselves—they’re allowing the devil into their lives, separating themselves from God. So, as Christians, we are eager to prevent or stop people from living a life of sin. It’s been our mission to fight sin as best we can. But, I suggest our methods of doing so are sometimes flawed in the sense that we tend to impose our values, morals, and beliefs on others in an attempt to save them. But are we right to do this? I think not. We as Christians should never be trying to force our beliefs on others. Whenever we push our ideas like this we actually turn people away from us. In consequence we potentially turn them away from church, religion, God, and the very one who can save them for all eternity, Jesus Christ, as well. With that in mind, just because we as Christians believe homosexual relationships are wrong, that does not mean we should prevent others who do not believe they are wrong from deciding for themselves whether or not they should be in one. They should be allowed to make their own decisions on the matter and not have it made for them.

In his book Mere Christianity, C.S. Lewis suggests that there is more than one particular form of marriage already in this world. He suggests there are actually two—Christian/religious marriage and secular/worldly marriage. A Christian marriage, for example, would typically be described as one man and one woman united together in a committed, loving, monogamous, lifelong relationship. A secular marriage, however, can also be that, but can be a marriage of convenience, and far less than loving, monogamous, or lifelong. Today, we have many married people who do a lot of sinful things. People are entering into open marriages, committing adultery, and behaving far less than lovingly toward their spouses. Marriages in this country aren’t perfect, whether they’re secular or religious in nature.

The point is that heterosexual marriages are allowed in almost all of their various sinful forms in this country. That being the case, why not allow homosexual marriages as well? When we allow heterosexuals to enter into a secular, open marriage, but won’t allow two gay men to enter into a loving, committed, monogamous marriage, how is that exactly fair to them? When we say a secular heterosexual marriage is okay, but not a secular (or even religious in some cases) homosexual marriage, how is that right or balanced? If you shouldn’t force your religious beliefs on others and you can’t keep heterosexuals from engaging in various sinful, but lawful, behaviors, then how can you argue you can do that toward homosexuals and yet match equality between the two groups? You can’t. To do that shows a bias against that group. When you try to do that, you come across as singling out homosexuals out of hate, prejudice, or intolerance. And if that’s the impression you leave on a person, how then can you win them over to the Lord? You will only do that if you allow people to make their own choices in life. When a person has to face the consequences of their own actions and finds those consequences to be rather harsh or displeasing, you then have an opening for which to influence them to something better. That something better is Jesus Christ. When you allow people to make their own choices, and, even if you feel they are making wrong choices, still treat them with love, dignity, and kindness, you are in a far better position to then befriend them, speak the truth to them, and influence them toward Christ and away from sin. But when you try to force others into believing as you do, into believing, in this case, that homosexual marriage is wrong, all you do is turn away those very people who want to enter into such a union. And if you do that, your whole case for wanting to fight the allowance of gay marriage—in order to save them—is no longer valid. You can’t influence someone you’ve turned off. They won’t listen.

The real issue here is that if people want to engage in homosexual activity, they’re going to, regardless of what we have to say about it. Not everyone will always listen to us, or believe as we do. That being the case, we have to look at best results. Currently, there are gay and lesbian couples that aren’t allowed hospital privileges if their partner is hospitalized. Homosexual parents who have raised children from the moment they were born, have to face the reality that should their partner die, they may lose custody of the very children they’ve loved and helped raise. Should one partner in a long-term homosexual relationship die, the other may not always be able to claim any inheritance from their deceased partner, potentially crippling them financially. Neither of these instances would happen if we would recognize these relationships as legal or on an equal level with heterosexual relationships, at least on a secular playing field.

We don’t have to like this, but in our dislike, we should never do anything to intentionally make the lives of those we disagree with harder than they have to be. In our disapproval, we should never strive to add an extra burden onto the lives of gay and lesbian couples. When we as a society allow straight couples certain rights and privileges, but not homosexual couples, we add a very heavy burden onto them that is unnecessary to say the least.

So, can gay marriage coexist with straight marriage in our country? Yes, I believe it can. If we are truly free to believe as we see fit, then it has to be allowed. And if we are going to be fair, we have to recognize that by not allowing homosexuals to marry, we do cause them some very serious hardships that otherwise they’d not have to face. But is it okay to be a Christian and accept this? That depends. Did Christ make others lives easier or harder for them? Did he force his ways onto people? Did he have compassion for the lost, or contempt? Did he say, “You have to stop this” or “You can’t do that?” or did he simply speak the truth and allow people to make up their own minds whether to follow Him in obedience or not? As Christians, we will all have to decide on our own how to respond to this issue. Are we going to be compassionate, understanding, and loving, or are we going to be tyrannical and intolerant? Either way, we must realize, whether gay marriage is eventually allowed or not, that doesn’t prevent us from continuing to speak God’s truths. In the end, our real challenge is not how to prevent gay marriage, but how to show others there is something so much better than that.

Separation of Church and State

Merry Christmas, everyone! I know this note doesn't exactly fit the Christmas theme or season, but it's something that's been on my mind for awhile now, which I've only recently had the time to write. I'll apologize up front for it's length, but I hope you'll all read this and respond. And again, have a very merry Christmas.

I've long believed that to attempt to separate church and state to it's fullest extent possible would be nothing short of a complete catastrophe. Just as having the church and state united to its fullest form has proven foolhardy whenever attempted in the past, so would having the two completely separated, as was the case, in part, with the communist Soviet Union. As many would guess, I am not in favor of the complete separation of church and state. However, I do agree with a great many liberals that there should and must be some degree of separation between the two.

When Rome fell, it was the church for which people turned to for authority and leadership. For a time, this was perhaps a very good thing. The church, being the embodiment of Christ, can do a lot of good when given such a good degree of power. However, the church being comprised of flawed and sinful human beings, despite its strong connections with Christ, can still do a great deal of evil when given unlimited powers. It does not take much to corrupt a man's actions when their actions are left unchecked and unquestioned. There has been a great deal of evil done throughout the course of mankind's existence in the name of God and Christ and goodness. I'll bring your attention to the Inquisition, which took place due to the authority given to the church. Many innocent people were not only tortured but murdered because of their rightly or wrongly believed beliefs against the church. To control its masses, the church provided fear to the people in order to retain their power over them. And their desire was to enforce Christian beliefs upon all peoples.

This is foolhardy. And this is why it is not good for the church to have total authority over the state. You see, the state itself is a secular institution. Whenever the two are united to become one, one may be improved, the other degraded, but both corrupted by their unity. Whatever people may hope to believe, the answer to an improved state is not for it to be governed or put in the hands of the church to control. That has been proven well not to work.

Having said this, I do not believe the two, church and state, can, nor ever should be, completely separated. For when that happens, the two can very easily become enemies. The state wanting to condemn the church for what it wants and the church wanting to condemn the state for its wants, neither working with the other for the good of their people. That is why the two should never be entirely divided. To eliminate all connections would be just as incomprehensible and as destructive as the other extreme.

In our modern times, as we foolishly call them so, we have been presented with this particular dilemma again. How far should the church and state be divided, and to what extreme measures should we take to achieve this? Some would argue that Christians have no place at all within the political sphere. Some would attest that any public acts of worship be completely forbidden. And still, some would insist we have only secularism, without any church or religion at all. Within our society, the extreme toward secularism is already proven its way forward. Just as the total control of the church has proven foolhardy, so has the total control of the state. I do not doubt we are heading in a very grim direction. For just as the church has tried to enforce its ways through acts of violence, so has and will a completely secular state try to enforce its ways upon those of faith (persecution). I personally believe it can be a very good thing when men and women of faith enter the world of politics. If they remain governed by their Christian values and morals then they should prove to be decent politicians who truly do good things for the people they represent. I will always vote in any election for the man whom I believe holds to these values and morals above anything else. That is the man or woman I will most likely trust to be honest, good, kind, and moral when in office. Now, though that is the person I would want in office, I would not expect that person to create or enforce laws, which would impose certain Christian beliefs upon others. It is not the business of the church to attempt forcing others to believe as it does. Being tyrannical never wins anyone over for the Lord. All that does is promote fear and hatred of the church, and in consequence, towards Christ.

This, I believe, is a moderate view. It is the view that people of faith should be allowed a part or place in the workings of the state, so long as they do not attempt, once allowed into that place, to force Christian beliefs onto other people. Influence should certainly be allowed, but enforcement, no.

One other reason for why I believe this way is because of what I already mentioned about enemies. When the two become completely divided, or separated, they naturally become inclined to distrust and dislike each other. If all people of faith are excluded from politics, then that naturally means all people of the secular state are excluded from the church, religion, or faith. Or, we will have no politicians and be governed by who knows whom. As Christians, we should not want this. As secular beings, we should not want the church excluded from the state either. Men of high morals will do far better than those with very little. Now this is not to suggest men of faith always act morally. Far too often they do not act morally at all. But this is just to suggest they are perhaps more likely to act moral. So, it is good for the two to be united to some extent. Not completely united, but not completed separated either.

What's more, if a Christian does enter into politics, to ask them, or to demand of them, not to consider their faith in making decisions is quite impossible and impractical. If a Christian man is elected to the office of the president, of course he should govern as the Christian man he is. He should not attempt to be something he is not just to prove separation of church and state. To separate a man in such a way is to make him two-faced, and able of doing very little good to satisfy anyone in such a state. I tend to believe to some extent our current president, George W. Bush, has at times faced this dilemma. He has had to decide whether he should be a Christian president or a secular one. Depending on the situation and the company around him, he has made his decisions, but in doing so, I believe he has obviously separated himself into two people. There is the Christian president who upholds most Christian values and morals, helping with AID's causes in Africa and implementing additional tax breaks for churches that provide a public service, and there is the secular president who seems to favor war to diplomacy and fights for measures which allow the rich to get richer and the poor poorer. Granted, speaking of President Bush, he has made his decisions of his own accord. No one has forced him to be the sort of president he has been. Influenced, perhaps, but not forced, I do not believe. But clearly, he is a president who at times has acted very Christlike, while at other times, very non-Christlike. His presidency proves many things though. One is that even a Christian man can do a bad job in office and do a lot of potentially immoral things while in that position. Two, he is a Christian who I believe has genuinely tried to follow his faith while in office. At times this has proven both wise and unwise. As a Christian, he has attempted at times to push his faith down others' throats. For instance, he has said on many occasions that he would support an amendment to the constitution banning gay marriage. Now, as a Christian, I am not in support of gay marriage. However, I strongly disagree that it is the governments place to tell two people how they should or should not live their lives in such a way. If two gay men, or two gay women, wish to be united in a secular marriage, it's their business to do so. And so, I believe this is one regard where the Christian President Bush has overstepped some. Three, President Bush, as a Christian, has given in to many secular demands. The call to war, for instance, could be an example of this. Likewise, his less than always truthful, or moral, means by which he got elected and then reelected as president are certainly in question here.

But let's say a man unwilling to compromise his Christian beliefs becomes president of the United States. Should he be asked to compromise? If he does not compromise, should he be forced out of office? Here is the conflict. How can a truly Christian man become the leader of a secular institution? For if he becomes its leader, will he have to compromise, ask others to compromise, or will he completely rule by tyranny to promote his ideals or beliefs onto others? Or, another possibility, will he do nothing?

A solution to this problem can be summed up by one phrase spoken by Jesus, which is, “Give unto Caesar what is Caesar's, and unto God what is God's”. In the realm of politics, I should think this would mean that a Christian man should do what he can through that office for the Lord, but likewise handle those secular issues as best he can without infringing on those of secular beliefs and without disregarding his own conscience. This was a solution brought forward by the famous World War I hero, Alvin C. York. When drafted to fight in war, he knew he'd be called to kill other human beings. Being a man of faith, a Christian, he believed killing people was a sin against the Lord. After several attempts for exemption as a conscientious objector, and being denied that request, he had no choice but to become a soldier. Before going to Europe, however, his superiors, knowing he'd objected to fighting in that war, confronted him about his decision. He explained his side of things and then they explained theirs. From their standpoint, fighting for the freedom, defense, and security of their nation and others made the killing okay (perhaps not okay, but justifiable). It was killing only in defense. York thought upon this and still struggled with his thoughts. His superiors sent him back home to think about his beliefs. If after a short time he still couldn't agree to fight, they would allow him to leave the army.

York went home and thought about what he should do. He believed in the defense of others and in securing freedom and his nations right to exist, but he also believed the Lord was against violence and against people killing others. He became very torn between serving his country and serving his God. In the end, he came upon the passage I referred to in the Bible, where Jesus is asked about paying taxes. The response from Jesus was for people to give unto their country, unto the secular institutions by which they were bound, those things that belonged to them, and to likewise give unto God the things that are God's. The answer was to do both. And so York went back to the army, fought as a Christian man in defense of others, and became perhaps the hero of World War I, capturing a great number of German soldiers and doing so almost completely by himself. Now, did he act as a Christian, or did he act secularly? The answer is, in a way, he did both. He had to act secularly to defend his and other's Christian way of life, which if not defended, may not have lasted. He defended and protected others against a grave threat, while simultaneously fighting for the country, the secular institution to which he belonged, and fighting to preserve the ways of God.

Concerning President Bush, had he followed this way of thinking, he'd have done the good for the Christians and those of faith which he has done, but would have ignored the gay marriage issue and other similar issues that serve more to restrict people who do not believe as he does or that divides us as Americans. He would have therefore done good for both Christian and secular, tearing neither one down above the other. There are things for which a Christian can do for both his God and his country without being immoral about either. Those are the things that should be fought for by the Christian politician.

I will agree that it is probably best for the Christian to remain out of politics altogether though. At least it might be best for him. Politics is a world of compromising. One may be able to do so to a certain extent and still be okay, but if tempted to overrule all previous Christian convictions while in office, they may very well be doing themselves a great deal of harm concerning their spiritual lives, and perhaps physical as well. If a Christian wishes to enter politics, it may very well be best that their political aspirations remain small and they fight only for a few good causes that work against no one, but only to the benefit of everyone.

But still, I do not see justified the claims of those who believe in a total separation of church and state. When they are separated completely, or united completed, no one is benefited. But when you have the two working together, side by side, keeping the other in check, that is when the greatest good comes about.