Friday, June 13, 2008

Why?

I don't understand people sometimes. I'd felt really great for a few weeks now, and yet, for some reason, this week everything has just went to crap. It's just in everyone's attitudes. People at work, at church, at home, everywhere I've went and everyone I've been around just seems to have this snotty attitude. I'll admit maybe it's just me, I don't know. Surely not everyone is being this way.

I was hurt yesterday though. I'd called my preacher and asked if he would meet with me for a few minutes at our church, because there were a few things I just needed some advice about. Most importantly, a teen in our congregation had come to me and asked for help because he thinks he's gay. I wanted to talk to my preacher in person and explain the situation to him and see if he'd be willing to help me. Well, when I got to the church, my preacher couldn't have been anymore rude and hateful toward me than he was. I've never had anyone at church talk down to me like he did. And what it came down to is that he wanted to talk out on the front porch of the church, and I just mentioned that I'd prefer talking inside because I didn't want to take the risk of anyone hearing our conversation. After I said that, he just got completely... well I'd say hostile/angry about it, and for what reason I don't know. I was honestly just sort of in shock about it, because it made no sense for him to act like that. I didn't believe I had asked anything too unreasonable of him. But the way he acted, I just thought maybe I'd done something wrong. But when we finally did go inside—him mouthing about it—and begin talking, he seemed to relax somewhat when I explained to him why I'd asked him to meet me there. Turns out he already knew about the situation—the kid had already asked several others for help apparently, and was probably, but not certainly, only doing this to get attention. But it just seemed as though my preacher just almost wanted to pick a fight with me. I honestly don't know how to explain it. I was dumbfounded by the way he treated me.

That was the last time I ever intend to talk to him in private. I've tried to before—the last time being about a year ago—and every time he treats me in this fashion. This time was the worst though. And I don't understand it. I only wanted advice on how to help someone, and he just acted as though it was a big bother that I'd asked him to meet with me. Like I said, it was the last time I'll ever talk to him on a personal level like that. He's made it more than clear that he doesn't like me, and that he isn't concerned about anything related to me. After he spoke to me the way he did, I just asked him if he didn't like me. He acted as though he couldn't understand why I'd ask him that and then told me that he did. But I don't believe him. His actions speak louder than words. And I don't feel like I can trust him.

I'm saddened by this whole situation. I just don't understand why people have to act this way. What did I ever do to him, or not do, that would make him act like that toward me? I just don't understand it.

19 comments:

Jim Jordan said...

Sorry to hear of this, Brandon. If you ever have any questions like that, I'd be glad to hear from you. Sometimes pastors give in to the stress of the job. You'd be surprised how often they, too, are left to twist in the wind.

jjordan@christian.com

jennypo said...

Do you think it's possible that God read the title of your last blog post and decided it was so great that he was never going to let you forget it? And now maybe for a little while everyone that you try to lean on, even in the most casual way, is going to let you down so that you will fall hard onto the only One who will NEVER let you down? This way, the lovely lesson you learned before your last post - that Jesus is all you need - won't fade when your feelings do.

Pastor literally means "shepherd". Jesus is the Good Shepherd, and the Great Shepherd. When all of our other shepherds fail, he comes quietly and surely to us through the damp and cold. Keep looking to him, and take courage.

The work He has begun in you, he will be faithful to complete it. (Philippians 1:6)

Neo said...

Is it just the pastor who isn't compassionate toward you? It's important to have fellow believers (especially other men) who know about your struggles and support you. If everyone is acting like your pastor or you're not comfortable talking to any of them about your struggles, it may be that you are at the wrong church. I would encourage you to pray about it and consider whether this congregation is where God wants you. I would also encourage you to prayerfully consider confronting the pastor about his attitudes, and to talk to the church elders if he doesn't respond well to confrontation.

Whatever you do, don't blame yourself for how someone else reacts to you. Your pastor's behavior sounds entirely inappropriate for someone who is called to lead a congregation. Then again, since I don't know either of you in person and don't really know the situation, perhaps there is simply a misunderstanding. Also, as Jim noted, he could be suffering stress and not realize how hurtful he is being. That's why confronting him might be a good idea.

RikFleming said...

Dude,

I'm tellin' ya it is global warming, second hand smoke and the high price of gas! It is just all getting to everyone!

Brandon said...

Jim: I can understand that. And I appreciate the offer. I may take you up on that sometime. We'll see.

Jennypo: I haven't forgotten what I've learned. I think you could possibly be right though. Maybe this is just to teach me to lean on Jesus more solidly and not forget to do that. I'll admit, when something like this happens it's hard for me. It just makes me want to stop going to church and stop being around other Christians, and that's something I know I shouldn't do. It doesn't make me want to stop being with Jesus though.

Neo: Maybe I'm not in the right church. Maybe I'm not in the church God wants me to be. I've wondered and prayed many times about that. My preacher does know about my struggles, but has been far less than supportive. He made it clear to me about a year and a half ago, when I went to him for help for myself, that he wasn't at all interested in helping me. When he acted the way he did the other day, I did confront him about it. We didn't, at least in my opinion, clear that up though. I'm not sure why he acted the way he did. I did begin to blame myself, wondering if maybe I'd done something wrong, but after thinking about it, I know it's nothing I did. He just doesn't know how to communicate well with people on a one on one basis I think. Whatever the reason, it was inappropriate. And if that's how he treats others, I surely don't want him helping in the situation with this teenager. All he'd likely do is run him away.

Rik: Thanks for the humor. I've needed that. :) And you know, you may be right.

Thanks everyone for your comments. I am sorry this post had to be about me griping. I just needed to unload and get my thoughts out. I am holding onto Jesus still, and I do feel better. I don't want to hold a grudge against my preacher, and I don't want this to drive me out of the church. Anyway, I thank all of you for putting up with me, and I hope all of you are doing well?

Joe said...

Did you say you had spoken to your preacher about your own struggles?

It's possible he has issues (or thinks he has) in that area too. You would then be a reminder of his own "self-disgust". I know that sounds like the type of thing GLBT activists say but sometimes it's true.

Why not speak to someone who gets on really well with your preacher and tell them about how you feel hurt/rejected by the way he seems to talk down to you. The other person might give you some insight into why your preacher treats you differently (if he does) and what you could do to improve your relationship with him.

ewe said...

flip him the finger and move on. He is human and he is obviously an asshole. Do you think priests are somehow better than lay people? Please. He is probably a fag and has a problem when you bring things up or maybe he is homophobic. Whatever. If you say you don't trust him, THEN KICK HIM TO THE CURB AND BE DONE WITH IT. MOVE ON.

Brandon said...

Yeah, that's the response I want to use. Someone mistreats me so I should just mistreat them in turn, huh? Yeah, I don't guess so.

I do realize my preacher is only human. I know he's just like everyone else and has his own faults like the rest of us. I'm sure I do forget that at times though.

ewe said...

No you don't have to think everything is tit for tat Brandon if it makes you feel better and somehow holier. You said you did not trust the man so if you have a personality that goes back for more abuse don't look for anyone else to change other than you. I am sure that there are plenty of people you surround yourself with who will pull a scripture out of their hat for you to turn the other cheek or detach. I am not one of them. He was rude to you hence you DO NOT go back for more.

Anonymous said...

God bless you brother, you understand how you feel is the courage that gives if it put the attention you want me to step with a pastor. When you comment about my struggles just told me that there is another equally well here and your vve a full life in Christ,,,, WooooW this was his response I wonder how I never felt like I was my spiritual life morality, nothing and I never turned to touch the topic that annoyed me a lot to me and I decided not to speak to the ever this time later I sali theme of this church. (I do not mean that you leave your well) I sali in other situations.

not understand much of what I write that I do not speak English what I write in Spanish and English to translate what God bless you. bye.

cesar

Anonymous said...

"He was rude to you hence you DO NOT go back for more."

Yah, you CENSOR that pastor, eh! oops, we don't believe in censorship, do we, ewe?

ewe said...

i did not say censor anonymous. you did. i said kick him to the curb. I said do not go back for more. I see you twist my words like you probably do scripture. Go do it to some unknowing child. That is more your style. And as far as people who choose to have a blog? They should realize that if they get their jollies spewing out every little disturbed feeling and emotion into the ether of the virtual world, they should also feel equally accepting of receiving opinions that are in opposition to them without threatening to censor. That IS what Brandon stated. Go bother someone else anonymous. Your rationale is processed in dismissiveness and does not even make a grain of sense to me. If you want to continue talking about spiritual ideas with your head up your backhind whistling in the wind as if they are fact when it is not, then go for it but don't think you can speak for me and twist my words without the help of (self appointed holier than thou) Brandon full of denial and his keyboard.

Brandon said...

I'm not sure that I ever declared myself "holier than thou". In fact I'm pretty sure I didn't. I know how great a sinner I am. I'm a wretched, dispicable person when left on my own. That's why I need Jesus in my life.

Ewe, just because I talk about my faith and beliefs and where I'm at in life, doesn't mean I think I'm better than other people. Far from it. If I ever gave you that impression, I apologize. It wasn't my intentions.

ewe said...

You don't need to apologize. I am not trying to silence you Brandon. I am trying to get you to accept you are a gay man and live comfortably with that fact. Being gay is not about sex anymore that being straight is and that is what i sense you feel.

jennypo said...

And they sung a new song, saying, You are worthy to take the book, and to open the seals thereof: for you were slain, and have redeemed us to God by your blood out of every kindred, and tongue, and people, and nation...

ewe said...

Hey Jennypo: who is they? Is anyone here supposed to know what your thinking process was before you pulled that quote out of your hat or book or whatever? It sounds more like a disturbed schitzophrenic in an asylum corridor spouting off things that mean nothing to anyone not even themselves because the rambling of scattered thought is all they have become. NO offense but would you like to clarify please or do you just feel everyone who is anyone knows what is in your mind without you specifying?

jennypo said...

"For he has rescued us from the dominion of darkness and brought us into the kingdom of the Son he loves, in whom we have redemption,[ie] the forgiveness of sins.
He is the image of the invisible God, the firstborn over all creation. For by him all things were created: things in heaven and on earth, visible and invisible, whether thrones or powers or rulers or authorities; all things were created by him and for him. He is before all things, and in him all things hold together. And he is the head of the body, the church; he is the beginning and the firstborn from among the dead, so that in everything he might have the supremacy. For God was pleased to have all his fullness dwell in him, and through him to reconcile to himself all things, whether things on earth or things in heaven, by making peace through his blood, shed on the cross." (Colossians 1:14-20)

ewe said...

Idolatry is not worthy of me.

ewe said...

Ms. Thang.