Monday, July 12, 2010

All the Missing Pieces

I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: I’m a fairly sentimental sort of person.

I’ve been feeling rather nostalgic lately. I keep thinking about friends I’ve had, classes I’ve taken, former teachers, just certain moments in time. I keep thinking about when my dad and I played through a few video games together back in ’03 and ’04. I really enjoyed that time. I keep thinking about all the summers I spent working on the lake, all the assignments I’ve had to complete the last couple of years in school, past vacations, time spent with friends hanging out.

I find myself daydreaming in the past.

I see many mistakes. I have a lot of regrets. My life has been riddled with these things. I see many good times, wise decisions, and lucky turns as well though. I’d say, overall, I have actually had a rather average life. Like anyone else I’ve had my ups and downs.

I wish sometimes that I could go back and relive certain times though. Some of these times so that I could relive their enjoyment and others so that I could make certain corrections and right particular wrongs.

I feel so often as though something is missing in my life. Perhaps this is just because I spend too much time looking back, missing certain things, or that I, despite trying not to be, have a “glass is half empty” outlook about things. But I know it, too, could be due to a lack of self confidence and hope for a future that resembles anything at all like what I’d want it to be. The future I’d like to have always seems so allusive. For instance, just as I’m about to begin student teaching, the county where I live and many surrounding are forced by the state to lay off many new teachers, enough so that I am now fearful about my prospects for finding a job teaching anytime soon. At times like this I remind myself to be patient, though I admit, my patience is tested much more often that I’d like or feel like I can even withstand.

I’m growing very tired of my present circumstances. I suppose I’m far from alone in feeling this way. It’s good to dream and to hope and want for a better life, and most people do this. It’s good to enjoy life in its present as well though. I think that’s something I forget to do sometimes. Other times I just feel as though time is ticking away and all I can think or wish for is just a little more time, to sort of freeze time and enjoy the present a little longer.

I guess I just want and long for more good moments in life. I’m kind of craving that at the moment. To be honest, I just feel as though my life is one big puzzle, and I’m just trying to figure out where all the pieces fit, to make as few mistakes as possible, enjoy the game, and someday finish on top, with everything in place and as it should be.


naturgesetz said...

Your feelings all sound pretty normal to me.

I guess it can be difficult to recognize the good "little things" in our lives at the moment they're happening. They may seem so ordinary that we don't recognize them. Or we may be preoccupied with bigger concerns and not give them a second thought. Maybe we need to practice a daily review, asking God to point out what he has done for us that day and what we have done for him and the kingdom.

I hope you can find a permanent job when the time comes. If you have to move for it, that may be one change in circumstances that is ultimately for the good.

Joe said...

Ya wanna know what's really scary? Time only speeds up as you get older.

I wish I could go back to Middle School, too.