Freaked

When I was younger, I used to really get freaked out virtually every single time I would find another guy attractive. It didn’t matter if I was at school, in a store, at church, at work, or someplace else. I would see another guy, think “WOW!”, try not to let on that I found the guy attractive, and then feel completely wretched about the whole thing. I’d feel like running as far in the opposite direction as I could, and often did. I’d find my heart racing, my mind whirling, and my self-esteem completely deteriorated. In short, I would freak out about it—sometimes to the point of near panic attacks.

As an example, I remember going to the theatre to see the first Lord of the Rings movie back in 2001 and thinking Orlando Bloom was absolutely hot as you know where. I ended up sitting there feeling uncomfortable as all get out throughout most of the movie, wishing my parents weren’t sitting beside me, and that I could be anywhere else, or just crawl under my seat.

Having matured some, finding a greater acceptance of self, and caring somewhat less about the thoughts of others, I no longer have such a problem. I see another guy, think “WOW!”, try most of the time not to let on that I find him attractive, and then go about my day without another care toward it. I’ve learned to accept that my attractions for other men are nothing to get so tore up about. They’re just a part of who I am, and there’s nothing wrong with it. I find other men attractive. Big deal. It’s not the worst that could happen.

I wish I’d felt like this much earlier in life.