I seem to be at a loss of words, though I know I really do need to speak and reach out. Call it whatever you will, but there really are times when I find myself for a loss of words. I’ve wanted desperately to write to a few friends today, but I haven’t been able to think of what in the world I’d even say to them. It’s been so long since I’ve written to them.
Would a friend mind if you wrote, called, or visited after a long absence? Would the friendship still be the same? What if you literally don’t have the slightest idea about what’s even going on in their lives? One friend of mine, I really don’t have a clue what’s going on with him: where he’s living at now, what job he’s doing, if he even has a job, etc. And I wonder whether or not too much time has passed now for us to have the same sort of close friendship we used to have. Does he even really consider me a friend anymore? And why hasn’t he written back to me? Why haven’t I visited, called, or written to him lately? And has it even been that long? Would I be annoying him or coming across too clingy or desperate to contact him right now?
I can be so full of self-doubt sometimes that it’s ridiculous. I’m probably worrying about nothing, filling my head full of a bunch of nonsense. I should probably just drop a few lines including a greeting and a quick “Hi! How are you?” and move along. But why do I find this so hard to do? Why can’t I just reach out to people? Why must any form of human contact always be so difficult for me?
2 comments:
I see so much of myself in this post.
It occurs to me that the reason we second-guess ourselves into paralysis on making or reestablishing contact is that we don't want to produce the wrong reaction by saying the wrong thing. We want to control the response by saying things the way that will lead to the response we want. In my case, there is an excessive fear of rejection which plays a part.
All you can do is make the overture. Something like, "It's been a long time. How are you doing?" and maybe a few words about what you've been up to. But no need for apologies or speeches about how you've missed them, or reminiscences about the good old days.
IOW, I think you have a pretty good idea about what to write. But it won't happen until you do it. Don't be afraid of what the answer will (or won't) be.
Brandon,
To be honest with you I doubt your desire to "maybe reach out contact a few friends". It seems like you are longing for a deep connection.
And the reason you feel so uncertain about contacting the one person you seem to be expressing an intense interest in is probably because on some level your motives are not really in the right place, compounded by the fact that your relationship was never really that strong or honest.
If this was truly a friend in which you genuinly had a strong trust bond with, or both of your feelings were really in the right place, you probably would not feel so uncomfortable contacting him at this point in time.
It could be that inwardly you know the futility of the relationship, but may be projecting your feelings of loneliness onto him to satisfy what you percieve to be lacking in your life at this time.
It is a classic pattern of emotional dependance -- always searching for that which you know in your heart os out of reach, rather than being satisfied with the things you can create for yourself, with God's help of course.
I also want to share my thoughts regarding your blog title, since you put it out there for the world.
Apparently you get some form of an emotional fix out of identifying as gay. I find this to be a curious thing for those who believe homosexuality in immoral according to scripture and that it greatly displeases God.
This does not glorify God but the sin nature. God never condems sickness in scripture but he does condem sin. In stating such you also imply that homosexuality is a fixed state of being. It certailnly is not.
Every moment that you are not wrapped up in homosexual thinking, how can you call yourself gay?
As a man thinks so is he.
I also do not see why one would place links to homosexual sites if they do not believe homosexuality is morally upright.
Is it to appear cool and openminded, or do you wish to put a gun in the hand of vunerable individuals and say, oh just dont pull the trigger. Or here it is, just in case you want to pull the trigger.
In all honesty I do not think that if Christ were here in the flesh today and writing a blog that he would in fact place links to pro homosexual websites just in case anyone was interested.
There is enough information already out there for people who want pro gay information. Must you really contribute?
I happen to see this practice on a number of blogs and I find it to be quite a misguided practice by those who have a clouded view of Christ's message.
I have discovered that 99 percent of the time when I am in such deep emotional dispare and loneliness it is the result of me going off course with God and sin issues.
It is perhaps an uncomfortale truth, but it is the truth. Even as I sit and write this I deal with some of the same issues in a lot of ways.
But God is always faithful and when we are truly willing to give up the idols we cling to the sun begins to break forth and shine.
It may be time to rise above your struggles and feelings and let go of the gay identity as well as any inference that you support the activities and mindsets that God tells us through scripture that he hates.
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