The Afters - You

Sentimental

I may be giving myself away a little, but at this point I really don't care so much. I had to work late the other night and before leaving I decided to go for a little stroll around the dock where I work. The sun was just setting over the hillside and our customers had all turned in for the evening. The air was cool and soothing after the heat of the day. The water was perfectly still. The moon was shining bright across the water, and the stars were already coming out. I looked out onto the main body of the lake and suddenly felt lucky for having been assigned to work during this time. The beauty God had created all around me simply amazed me. Everything seemed so peaceful and calm, and I couldn't help but feel relaxed.

My mind soon began wandering, and I began thinking upon all the time I'd spent working there. I remembered all those tasks performed, all the coworkers who had come and gone, and all those good times and bad. It wasn't long until I began yearning for the past. I kept thinking about all those people who I'd worked with over the last few years. So many of them have gone on to other things, and I rarely see most of them anymore. In thinking about that, I remembered the guy I fell in love with a few years ago. I know there was no way I could have ever been with him—he wasn't/isn't gay. But I know I fell for him harder than anyone else I've ever known. He was a Christian, smart, funny, cute, kind, everything I ever looked for in another guy, and the more I was around him the more I loved him. I almost wanted to cry just thinking of him. I still see him from time to time, but it's far and few times between. When I do see him, it's not like it used to be. We're more along the line of acquaintances now than friends. I miss him. And I'll admit, I can't help but wonder sometimes what could have been had he felt the same about me. It's very likely that had he had feelings for me, I'd have gladly been his boyfriend. Who knows what different course that would have led me?

I don't just miss him though. I miss a lot of people. I've reached a point where I hate so very much having to say goodbye to people. I know from experience that once I do that, I'm very likely never or rarely to see that person again. Because of that, I hate having to say goodbye. I have that fear that when I do, I'll never see that person again. This is one of the main reasons why I've questioned my decision to become a teacher. You spend an entire year getting to know your students and then they move on in life while you stay put. It's a kind of sad profession in that sense. Not to say that it isn't extremely rewarding in other regards, but it's just that you lose people on a yearly basis who you've spent so much time with getting to know and love, and it hurts whenever you lose those you love—in whatever context that may be.

I think sometimes I must be the most sentimental person in the world. I have a great tendency to hold onto the past and long after it. I think back to good times and wish I could revisit them. I see a familiar spot alongside the road and just have to pull over. I think of people who have moved on in life and wish I could be around them again. I keep everything, because everything has a meaning and a story to it. I'm a real pack rat that way.

I know it's been hard for me to move forward in life because of that. I know my life could be a whole lot different in so many ways if I could just let go of the past. I know I let my past hold me back so much of the time. I may have found a better job, church, place to live, etc. by now if only I could have put aside the past and charged forward into the future.

Maybe there's fear there. Maybe I'm afraid of change. Maybe I'm afraid of the future. Maybe I'm afraid that what lies ahead won't be as good as what lies in the past or in the present. I think it's just that a lot of my past hasn't been what I'd call great. As a means of escaping real life, I've tended to lose myself in the thoughts of what were good times, and I long for those times and for what reminds me of them. I guess I just like the familiar and like to hold onto what's been dear to me. The places where I've lived, worked, went to school, church have all contributed to such a large part of who I am. My identity lies, in part, with these things and the people I've been around. To lose these things, I feel as if I lose a part of myself, or who I am.

I know I'm awfully sentimental this way. More than I should be. Sometimes it's just hard for me to shake my memories. And maybe in some ways that's actually a good thing more than a bad thing. I've learned it does help to think of the good times during the bad ones. There's hope in doing that. I just hope there'll be more good ones ahead.

I then began thinking about what job I may have five, ten, fifteen years from now. I wondered where I might be living. I wondered if I'd have a family of my own by then, or if I'd have completed writing what would hopefully be a bestseller novel, or accomplish any of the other hopes and dreams I've had. And as I looked out at the lake and thought again of God's beauty, I just felt His reassuring me not to worry, that there would indeed be plenty of good times ahead, new friends to make, and plenty of new memories to have and to hold onto.

I felt so at peace about that.

What Others Think

Whenever you hate, the only person you hurt is yourself. Because the person you hate often doesn't know it, or if they do, they don't care.

I heard that from the movie Ghosts of Mississippi several years ago. It's something the late great civil rights leader Medgar Evers was supposed to have said, and something I've held onto and tried to apply to my life ever since hearing it.

I told that to my young friend from church the other night. He was telling me about how he had begun to feel about some of the people at our church. He knows deep down they are good, loving, people (and I agree), but that the way they have treated him is far from good or loving (also agree). And because of their response to him, he now worries about what others think about him and what they are saying about him behind his back. Because of that, he said he had begun holding a grudge toward some of them. That bothers him because these are people who prior to his coming out he really did admire, respect, and love, and whom he thought they felt the same about him. I told him to try to let go of those harsh feelings. That's a hard thing to do sometimes, but it's a worse thing to go around carrying those negative feelings inside you all the time. It simply weighs you down and wears you out. I also told him to try not to worry so much about what others think of him. What others think doesn't matter. It's what God thinks that counts. People will either love you or hate you, so you should just be yourself and not worry about what they think. But God loves us more than any of us could ever imagine. And He'll never stop loving us. The advice seemed to have helped him a little, but I could tell he was still bothered.

I wonder why so many people put such heavy burdens upon themselves. Why do we think so much about what others think? Why do we blame ourselves for things that are out of our control? Why do we overwork ourselves? Why do we worry so much? What good is any of it?

I know I have trouble with all of these things. I do worry too much about what others think of me. I try to be a good worker, a good son, a good brother, a good friend, a good student, a good Christian, and so on and so on. I want people to like me. I know it's unrealistic to expect that everyone should, and I know it's probably stupid of me to get upset when people don't like me, but it does bother me sometimes when they don't. Perhaps that's a little bit of pride on my part, but I think this is something common for most people. We all want to be well liked by others. I know of very few who'd admit to enjoying being hated. But as much as we'd like to be liked by others, we should care far more about how God thinks of us. God always loves us no matter what. He never stops loving us. And in everything we do, we shouldn't think about what our friends, family, or peers are going to think of us, but how God will think. The phrase “What would Jesus do?” I believe is a worthy saying to apply to all things. In all that we do, are we going to be more concerned with what everyone around us is going to think, or are we going to care more about what God will think?

Take Noah, for example. Noah was a Godly man who followed the Lord with all his heart while the society around him was falling into sin and moral decay, turning away from God. Rather than follow their ways, Noah chose to follow after the Lord. And when God told him a flood was coming and to build an ark, Noah obeyed. Now, the whole time Noah was building the ark, all those around him mocked him and made fun of him. “You're crazy,” they told him, and urged him to stop his work and to come join in on their sinning. But Noah resisted and remained true to the Lord. He cared more about what God thought and wanted than what everyone else around him thought. And in the end, that's what saved his life once the flood came and everyone else was killed.

We can all take comfort in that story. Whenever people put us down, abuse us, shut us out, or mistreat us in any way, we can always take comfort in knowing God loves us, and knowing that so long as we're living our lives His way, that's all that matters. If we're going to worry about anything, that's what we should worry about.

I see in my friend someone who can go on to do incredible things for the Lord. He wants to do good for others and he believes and understands Christianity in a way I only wish I could have when I was his age. I'm bothered that so many at our church can't see that at the moment and have turned away from him. I'm angered that they'd rather judge him and push him away instead of reach out to him with love and understanding to bring him even closer to the Lord. I mean, here is someone whose testimony could bring countless numbers of people closer to God and salvation. Why would anyone want to push someone like that away and not use him for such great purposes?

I'm gonna try not to hold a grudge against any of them myself. Like my friend, I don't want to think badly of these people. What good would that do me, or anyone else? All that sort of thinking ever does is tears me up inside, and causes me to do things I normally wouldn't do. I don't want to feel that way anymore.

I think putting trust in God is perhaps one of the hardest things for any of us to do. We can believe in God and have faith that can move mountains, but when it comes to making decisions, it's so easy for us to choose the worldly way over God's ways. But if we can trust Him, and do the things He wants us to do, and obey Him by not doing the things He doesn't want us to do, we can never go wrong. God will always deliver us and see us through any situation.

So I wonder sometimes why we so often put such heavy burdens upon ourselves. Why do we put ourselves through so much heartache and grief, worrying so much? Why do we lose hope and turn to other things that never bring us any happiness? Why are we so hard on ourselves when our lives don't go completely as planned? Why do we so often chase after the wind—such a meaningless pursuit—when following after Christ is our only true hope? Why do we care so much about what others think when we have a God that loves us each so very, very much, despite all our flaws and inabilities?

Whatever, I'm Tired of Feeling

I try to be positive and to hide my pain, but in truth, I'm hurting. I've been hurting for a long time now, and in a certain way, I feel sort of numb. I don't feel good, but I try not to feel bad, so I just feel... whatever.

I'm not at all where I'd hoped to be at this stage of my life. I'm trying to get where I want to be—to get back on course—but just so much seems to be so wrong or so complicated. I don't even know where to begin, or if I even should. It just seems like for every step I take forward, I take two giant steps back.

Several of my hopes and dreams have went to the wayside. I don't have any hope for a family of my own anymore. That hope and that dream is practically gone completely. Being a realist, I just don't think it's a very realistic thing to expect anymore. It seems far too unlikely. Instead, I find myself wanting a boyfriend, and knowing I can't have one, and realizing that even if I did have one, I probably still wouldn't feel any better than I currently do. And it doesn't help me any to face the very real prospect that I may be alone the rest of my life.

I've been struggling with lust and pornography. It's like I can't see enough; like there's a longing within me that I just can't satisfy. And I know this has been brought on in large part due to my work environment. I can't escape seeing at least two or three good looking, near naked, guys each day. It's sort of inevitable. I see them and that longing builds within me. I look away but the feeling remains. I try to turn to Jesus but I feel ashamed, or guilty or whatever, and then I just feel lonely.

I've come to the conclusion I don't really want to be straight anymore. I don't want to be anything for that matter. If I could have things my way I wouldn't be attracted to anyone or have any feelings of sexual desire or arousal at all for anyone. It just seems like there would be a lot less headache if that were the case.

I've been so disappointed with my church lately. I've been heartbroken by the response given to my young friend who reached out for help there. He is gay and doesn't want to be. People who I've known my whole life have responded so terribly toward him. These are people who I've loved and cared about and who I've worshipped with for so many years now, and it's just torn me apart in my soul to see how they've responded. It's made me glad in one sense that I never have told more people than I have about my own struggles. I wonder if they'd treat me the same way if they knew.

There were so many things I wanted to help bring about at my church. I wanted to help create more programs, get more people involved, be able to reach out into the community more and bring people to God, but none of that seems to be happening. Maybe I'm being a little impatient. I feel like I'm constantly fighting against everyone else though. A lot of my ideas seem to be brushed off or ignored. I seriously wonder sometimes why I always feel so compelled to stay at this church. A lot of times I just feel like people are pretending to care about me. I get the feeling sometimes that if I just stopped going, I wouldn't be too sorely missed. That thought bothers me. I don't want to sound too down on my church though. There are a lot of good things happening there. I just get so frustrated so much of the time about certain things.

I've also been angry with a particular family problem lately. I won't get into the details of that too much here, but it involves my brother and his kids. Their mother doesn't want them, but my brother and family does and can't get them. Someone outside the family is getting them instead, and it just feels like these kids are being stolen away from us and by someone who rightfully shouldn't have a say in anything related to them. I feel so helpless to fix the turmoil this has caused my family. There's nothing I can do. I can't help the people I love. And this is crushing.

I'd hoped on being a published writer of something at least somewhat noteworthy by now. I have all these really good ideas, yet I never find time to write anymore. I'm too tired or too distracted to ever concentrate like I should. And what I have written hasn't amounted to anything. I couldn't even get members of my own family to read my book a few years ago. I find that dream is still alive, but the goal just seems to keep getting further and further away.

I'm gonna be going back to school, but I honestly don't know why. I really don't know what career I want to pursue. I think maybe I'm just going for the sake of going. Everyone expected me to finish school and get a degree. I think maybe I'm just trying to live up to expectations. I'd like to graduate from college. I just wish I was more certain about the purpose of my going. I'd like to think that what degree I get may be put to some use.

I feel like I can't trust anyone. Some of the people who I thought were my friends I've recently found out they've been working against me behind my back. Aside from that, I miss some of my other friends. I haven't heard from some of them in a while now. Maybe they've just been busy like me and haven't had time to write/visit/phone/whatever. And I wish I did have more free time myself for such things. I miss spending time with these friends. I haven't had much opportunity for that lately.

I just wish I could get some answers. I feel stressed and frustrated and so clueless about what I should be doing in my life or how to achieve some of the hopes and dreams I have, and it just seems like God isn't answering me. I want guidance, direction, some blueprint for how to get from this stage in my life to the next. I want hope. I want encouragement. I want somebody to just tell me to keep on hoping and to keep on believing that everything will work out as it should. That God will lead me to a better place. I wish someone would tell me they love me. I wish I could get some rest and be able to stop worrying.

I just wish things could be good for a while. I'm just so tired of all this. I know everyone must get so sick of my whining around. I'm sick of it myself. I'm just so sick of feeling this way.

Falling Forward

I seem to be at somewhat of a turning point in my life. I've been out of school for several years now, but I'm about to be going back. I'd be lying if I said I wasn't nervous about this. I'm excited about it, because I have been wanting to go back, but I guess I'm nervous because it's a new school (I'd went to a different one previously) and I'm still not convinced that the degree I'm going back for is the one I want. As if that wasn't enough to cause me some doubts, I may also have to quit my job in order to go. All of my classes will be on Tuesdays and Thursdays. I know I'll be able to change my work schedule to be off on those days, but that also means I'll have to work the rest of the days of the week and will have no days off for at least two or three months this fall. I think I can probably handle this, but I know I'm usually at my weakest when tired. It's when I'm tired that I most often give into temptations. I'm not trying to be pessimistic or negative in my thinking, but prepared. So, I've sort of mixed feelings about getting back in school.

Another turning point may be a little more spiritual in nature. I've given a lot of thought about stepping aside from a few of the leadership roles I've had at my church. I'm not yet convinced about doing this, but it's just something that's been on my mind for a while now. I get so frustrated with working on certain matters alongside some of the people at my church. I've found that when there is a conflict, I have trouble separating that from what should be the true purposes of church. I let the conflict consume me more than I should and cause me to have harsh feelings for what truly are really good people. I guess I hold a grudge. Because of that, I've seriously considered stepping aside. I've thought a lot about what church should be about and what my focus should be while there. Lately, I don't think I've been thinking of church in the right way. I've been thinking too heavily upon some of the conflicts and blocking out true worship of Jesus Christ among fellow saints. I've been thinking too negatively about the church. And so I know I either need to step aside, or figure out some other way of putting aside those negative feelings. Either choice is a hard decision to make. I've struggled some with knowing what God wants me to do about this. I feel like if I stay in the leadership roles I'm in, I'll be able to make a positive difference for a lot of people, but struggle to keep my focus on Jesus. But if I do step aside, I feel like I might feel closer to Christ and those in my church, but that I won't be able to do as much for others. So, there's my dilemma. I'm not sure which decision would bring about the most good. I just know I can't stay in this current state.

The last few weeks I have struggled a great deal with anger. Not just anger, but stress and worry as well. I've been bothered by things at church, at home, at work, and it's just all sort of overwhelmed me. I feel like there's no refuge or place I can get away. A friend at work recently told me that I'm one of those people who just bottles everything up and then finally explodes and goes off on everyone. I can see that in myself. I do tend to bottle up my emotions a great deal of the time. It's hard for me to let others know how I'm thinking or feeling. This blog has been an exercise for me in overcoming that. But I do tend to hold onto my emotions a great deal more than I should sometimes. I get frustrated with people who make dumb decisions and won't listen to any reasoning, and it angers me when their wrong decisions effect me in some negative consequence, or effects others in the same way. I find it so hard to give these sorts of feelings over to God, or to express them in healthy ways. When I get angry or frustrated or stressed, I tend to find myself not caring so much about what sins I commit. I begin to distance myself from God and others. I begin cussing like a sailor, which is something I really detest. I can't stand hearing that sort of talk from others, and it kills me how often I tend to just blurt out one of those little four-letter words without even thinking about it. I cringe practically every time I do. And I find myself giving into so many other things as well. It's just that I have a hard time working through my emotions. That's something I'm certainly going to be working more on. But in working through these things I'm hoping to improve my spiritual life some. I don't want to be holding any grudges and distancing myself from the church and those in it.

So, in short, I guess I could say that life is tough and sad and exciting and joyous and all the rest. I don't imagine that's a surprise to anyone reading. There are ups and downs to everything in this life. I guess the trick is to keep falling forward and to always place trust in God. I'm sure if I let Him, He'll lead me exactly where I'm supposed to go, and everything will work out as it should.

If It Makes Me Happy

Why is it that when I tell people I don't want to be gay, that I don't like who I am when I act on those feelings, that I become unhappy about my life and who I am when I do, that they insist I should do those things in order to be happy? Do they refuse to listen to me when I say that I'm not happy living like that? Does it anger them that I—heaven forbid—don't just follow the gay crowd and make all that is gay sound as glamorous and good as I possibly can? Whatever the reason, I wish those who continuously insist I should just accept myself as being a gay man and go out and find myself a boyfriend would realize that that's not what will make me happy. My nature keeps drawing me toward wanting to be with another man, but I've never found any happiness from pursuing those feelings or thoughts. I find myself miserable when I do that. But I find myself happiest when I put those thoughts to the side and strive to see myself in a different light, as God sees me. That being the case, why would anyone ever think that the way for me to be happy would be for me to do what makes me unhappy? The logic of that makes no sense to me. Is it a purely political response why you'd suggest that? Or is it something else?

Perhaps it bothers some people that I actually find happiness out of not accepting myself as gay. A couple of posts back, I mentioned how much better I've felt accepting Jesus more fully into my life, and letting Him take away some of those feelings I've had. And I have to say it's puzzled me by how many people seemed to misunderstand or reject the notion of that. Did you not understand what I was saying? I've found a companion in life who is everything good and loving that can ever be. That companion is Jesus. And since I've come to this realization, I've felt better than I have in years. Maybe better than I've ever felt. I feel like I belong to someone now and I am loved. Why would I ever want to go back to the way I felt before? What good would that do me?

I have felt good lately. I know I am loved. I know I belong. I know that it doesn't matter so much that I'm different in a lot of ways from most other guys. I know my best friend is walking alongside me, always leading me, nudging me, and helping me forward in life with each breath that I take. I have something good now.

I know I've tended to use this forum as a means of letting off steam. Maybe I shouldn't do that as often, or in the same way. In my last post, I voiced my frustration concerning my preacher. It did hurt me the way he treated me. But there again, I know I shouldn't have let it hurt me the way it did. I know this man cares about me. He'd have never offered to meet with me in the first place if he didn't. I know I just get frustrated about things a lot of the time. I don't understand how to relate to people. I don't understand their actions and responses sometimes. I have trouble knowing how to interpret them. Are they joking or are they being serious? Sometimes I can't tell. So I get frustrated, and mostly with myself. I get angry somewhat easily as well and I know I certainly overreact at times. I tend to be a glass is half full sort of person, and I tend to take everything personally. I know that none of that sort of thinking does me any good.

I know that I have so much to be positive about. I have so much to be thankful for. I have friends to spend time with. I have a family, and I know they love me. I have a church where I can make a difference and the Lord can use me for His own purposes. But the thing I'm most thankful for, most happy about, what makes me happy, is that I have Jesus in my life. I feel so much love and hope and joy and excitement, and all those bad feelings leave me whenever I just keep my focus on Him. I've felt so much at peace lately about who I am. And no matter what anybody else says, I know I'll be happiest following Jesus. He makes me happy. And He makes me a better person. He helps me resist temptations. He gives me patience and understanding. He calms me down and helps me to think better thoughts and to be more positive and hopeful in life.

Now let me explain something. I don't want anyone to think that I've found happiness by masturbating to the thought of Jesus or any other sort of nonsense like that. What I've been trying to say is that I feel like I belong to someone now. I feel like I have a partner in this life. I'm not alone. And with that being the case, why would I need a romantic relationship with anyone else? What would be the point? I can tell Jesus anything and know I can trust Him. I can always count on His love for me. I can always count on Him to comfort me and help me. I can spend any amount of time I want with Him. He never rejects me. He never pushes me away. He never abuses me. The most intimate relationship I've ever had with anyone is with Him. And if I'm crazy for feeling this way, well at least I'm happy in my craziness. I don't regret it. I can honestly say it's the best thing that's ever happened to me—to be crazy for Jesus.

And just one more thing, concerning this blog. The purpose of this blog is not to tear people down, or anything else like that. I write this blog, mostly, to help me process some of my thoughts or feelings. I write this blog to help me keep from bottling everything up. But I also write it because I want other people who share in similar struggles to know that they're not alone. I want other people to have a place where they can find community, understanding, and reassurance of God's love for them. And now I'll ask, is that really such a bad thing? Is it a bad thing if people find something good out of this blog that helps them to live a better life? And is it wrong for me to find happiness in following Christ and letting Him take control of my life? I don't think so.

Why?

I don't understand people sometimes. I'd felt really great for a few weeks now, and yet, for some reason, this week everything has just went to crap. It's just in everyone's attitudes. People at work, at church, at home, everywhere I've went and everyone I've been around just seems to have this snotty attitude. I'll admit maybe it's just me, I don't know. Surely not everyone is being this way.

I was hurt yesterday though. I'd called my preacher and asked if he would meet with me for a few minutes at our church, because there were a few things I just needed some advice about. Most importantly, a teen in our congregation had come to me and asked for help because he thinks he's gay. I wanted to talk to my preacher in person and explain the situation to him and see if he'd be willing to help me. Well, when I got to the church, my preacher couldn't have been anymore rude and hateful toward me than he was. I've never had anyone at church talk down to me like he did. And what it came down to is that he wanted to talk out on the front porch of the church, and I just mentioned that I'd prefer talking inside because I didn't want to take the risk of anyone hearing our conversation. After I said that, he just got completely... well I'd say hostile/angry about it, and for what reason I don't know. I was honestly just sort of in shock about it, because it made no sense for him to act like that. I didn't believe I had asked anything too unreasonable of him. But the way he acted, I just thought maybe I'd done something wrong. But when we finally did go inside—him mouthing about it—and begin talking, he seemed to relax somewhat when I explained to him why I'd asked him to meet me there. Turns out he already knew about the situation—the kid had already asked several others for help apparently, and was probably, but not certainly, only doing this to get attention. But it just seemed as though my preacher just almost wanted to pick a fight with me. I honestly don't know how to explain it. I was dumbfounded by the way he treated me.

That was the last time I ever intend to talk to him in private. I've tried to before—the last time being about a year ago—and every time he treats me in this fashion. This time was the worst though. And I don't understand it. I only wanted advice on how to help someone, and he just acted as though it was a big bother that I'd asked him to meet with me. Like I said, it was the last time I'll ever talk to him on a personal level like that. He's made it more than clear that he doesn't like me, and that he isn't concerned about anything related to me. After he spoke to me the way he did, I just asked him if he didn't like me. He acted as though he couldn't understand why I'd ask him that and then told me that he did. But I don't believe him. His actions speak louder than words. And I don't feel like I can trust him.

I'm saddened by this whole situation. I just don't understand why people have to act this way. What did I ever do to him, or not do, that would make him act like that toward me? I just don't understand it.