I’m not sure what it is, but the last couple of days I really haven’t felt very well. I’ve felt down, or depressed. This happens to me every once in a while and thankfully it has been a while now since the last time. But it seems to have landed squarely on me yet again.
I’m feeling a lot of pressure. I need a job (and there are a few I’m trying for--please pray for me about this), I have many family members needing my help, I have several projects of my own I’d like to finish but never seem to get enough time to finish them, and there are many decisions I’m just having to make very quickly. I feel tired, and to a very large extent, I just wish everyone around me would back off some.
On top of all this, I really wish I could find a boyfriend. I’m getting older and I know the older a person gets the harder this sort of thing usually becomes. That aside, I’m just ready for that sort of thing. I mean, I could spend my whole life alone and probably be content enough, but I would like to find someone who I truly could spend my life with and be happy together. I don’t think I want to be alone, content or not.
I wrote a post a couple of weeks ago, mostly dealing with changes in one’s life and trying not to worry. I haven’t posted it yet, because since writing it, I seem to have worried quite a lot about a lot of things, even though I’ve been trying really hard not to. I probably will still post it eventually, but I might need to rework it some first.
You know, I really don’t like a lot about my life. It’s not that things are really bad. It’s just that I’m tired of the way a lot of things have been. I want to have a better job, I want to be out on my own, I want my parents to actually give a darn and “parent” me when I need them to and to get out of my way when I need to take the lead myself, I wish I didn’t have to worry so much about money, and I wish… I just wish I didn’t feel quite so stuck feeling all the time. I feel like I can’t be who I want to be—in virtually any regard—and I’m so sick of that feeling.
I’m sure I’m just whining, and probably no one really wants to hear or read any of this. I guess I just need to vent a little and this forum seems to be a great refuge at the moment.
Friday, July 19, 2013
Tuesday, July 16, 2013
Zimmerman vs. the World
Scenario 1:
It’s a dark night and it’s raining. A neighborhood watchman sits in his car and sees a young man walking by. For various reasons, he finds the behavior of the young man to be suspicious. He calls 911 and is told to wait for police. Worrying the young man, who fits the description of other young men who had recently robbed several houses in the neighborhood and not been caught, may get out of view and do who knows what, he decides to follow him and see where he goes. The young man notices a man is following behind him. He turns around and confronts the watchman, initiating a fight, wherein he winds up on top of the watchman, throwing punches at the man’s face, breaking his nose and causing his head to be repeatedly thrown back onto a hard sidewalk. Fearing for his life, the watchman—even more scared now about this young man than he was to begin with—begins screaming for help and trying to reach for his gun. The young man sees the gun and also begins reaching for it. But the watchman gets it first and shoots the young man who is on top of him. The young man falls to the side and the watchman restrains him. Fellow neighbors begin showing up to the scene, and the police arrive. The young man dies, and the neighborhood watchmen claims self defense. He is initially free of any charges being brought against him, but is eventually arrested, murder 2 and manslaughter charges are brought up against him, and he is tried in a court of his peers who agree he was defending himself, having no ill intent in the matter. He is found, rightfully, not guilty of any crime.
Scenario 2:
It’s a dark night and it’s raining. A young kid is walking back to his home. He is minding his own business and doing nothing wrong. Nearby, a neighborhood watchman is on guard. He is mad about all the black hoodlums who have recently robbed his neighborhood and gotten away with it. He sees this kid walking by. The kid fits the description. He’s black and young. Furthermore, he’s wearing a hoodie over his head. The neighborhood watchman believes the kid must be up to no good. He calls 911 and is told to stay in his car. He decides he’ll follow the kid instead, because he just can’t stand the thought of another one of these “fucking niggers” getting away with it. He menacingly follows behind the kid. The kid sees him and becomes scared for his life. The kid turns around and confronts this man following him. Then the neighborhood watchman pulls out his gun. The kid begins fighting the watchman, defending himself. He screams for help, but no one comes. The watchman is able to shoot the kid and he dies as others show up at the scene. The neighborhood watchman has just committed a brutal hate crime, but he is able to get away with it simply because he is white and the kid was black. However, after much strength in outrage, charges are brought against the watchman and he is tried in a court of his peers. For some unknown, outrageous reason though, the jury of that court finds him not guilty. The racist, gun happy, wannabe cop is wrongfully allowed to go free.
This case has honestly frustrated the hell out of me. To begin with, I am saddened that a young seventeen year old was shot and killed. And it probably wouldn’t have happened had George Zimmerman simply stayed put after calling 911. However, had Zimmerman stayed put, and had Trayvon Martin actually been up to no good as he believed, then Martin could have committed a crime and gotten away with it. Furthermore, it’s not a crime to walk behind someone. So, I can’t completely say that I think Zimmerman was wrong by following Martin, regardless of his reasons for doing so.
I’m also frustrated by the way so many have responded to this case. A lot of assumptions have been made, and the media itself has even outright lied about some of the facts surrounding it. Certain pieces of evidence or information were purposefully withheld from the defense. The Black Panthers offered a $10,000 reward for the capture of Zimmerman. Several black leaders and politicians tried interjecting themselves into the case, and even in some regards stirred up emotions against Zimmerman. I’m bothered by most of this because it stirs up a mob mentality, jeopardizes our legal system, enrages people unnecessarily, and skews the truth.
It also frustrates me that the facts of this case do more to back scenario 1 than they do scenario 2, and yet so many people have wanted to completely ignore so many of the facts in order to promote their own agendas, or perhaps their own biases.
I’ve heard many people say, “Well, why was he (Zimmerman) following this kid/child?” My response is to first clarify what a kid and/or child is. A seventeen year old, over six feet tall, former football player is not exactly a child or kid in my mind. The notion that Martin was a kid was fueled first and foremost by the media who showed only a photo of Martin when he was 12, rather than 17 at the time of the shooting. He was a teenager, or a young adult male. He was taller and by all accounts even stronger than Zimmerman. Secondly, I would respond, “Since when is it a crime to follow, or to walk behind, another person?” It doesn’t really matter why Zimmerman followed Trayvon Martin. I say that because Zimmerman following Martin does not give Martin the right to turn around and start beating Zimmerman up. That is, unless Zimmerman pulled a gun on Martin first. However, we have no proof of that happening, and should not start reaching conclusions based on unfounded assumptions. And, lastly, could it be that perhaps Zimmerman only followed Martin because he wanted to keep tabs on him? Could it not be as simple as that? Could it not be that Zimmerman thought Martin was acting suspiciously (whether warranted or not), that he knew it would probably take the police ten to fifteen more minutes to respond, and that he just wanted to keep a watch on what this young man was doing and where he was going? How different is that from anything a regular cop would do?
On another matter, I want to address this whole issue of race being some motivator to Zimmerman supposedly going after Martin. For starters, Zimmerman is not fully white. He is only half white. His other half is Hispanic. So, being of mixed race, I do find it incredible that Zimmerman would be racist. More than likely he had himself been made fun of or ridiculed at some point in his life for having parents of mixed race. That’s in the first place. Secondly, he had many black friends who came forward early on saying there wasn’t a racist bone in his body. He’d taken a black girl to his prom, he had grown up with black kids in his house, and he’d even mentored black kids as an adult. All those things bring some serious doubt to my mind that Zimmerman is a racist. Furthermore, it occurs to me that a great many people in the media lied about Zimmerman’s past statements in order to make him appear racist. He was reported as saying, “These fucking niggers always get away with it”, when in fact he said, “These fucking punks always get away with it.” Now, we may be splitting hairs here to some people’s minds, but there is a difference between the words nigger and punk. Nigger is used as an expletive of sorts against blacks. Punk, however, could be used to characterize anyone of any race, and infers to them being a ruffian of sorts. There is a big difference between the two I think. The first would indeed make Zimmerman out to be racist. The second, however, makes him a concerned citizen. The media chose to lie about what he said in order to make him out to be a racist. I find this completely negligent and disgusting on the part of the media. It is their fault, in part, for fueling flames and riling people up in anger unnecessarily.
At best, perhaps Zimmerman did follow Martin and find him to be a suspicious character because he was black, but not because Zimmerman didn’t like blacks, rather because it had been young black men who had recently broken in to a few homes in the area and Trayvon Martin simply matched their description. There is absolutely nothing about this case which would lead me to believe that Zimmerman was some horrible racist out to take down a young black man. I dare anyone screaming that that’s the case to actually produce any real evidence of it. So far, I’ve heard nothing but speculation and assumption.
Let me speak my mind now, and hate me if you will…
Not every bad thing that happens to a black person happens to them because they are black. Just as not every bad thing that happens to me happens because I am gay. Had Zimmerman been black, or had Martin been white, we would never have heard of this case at all. George Zimmerman never would have even been arrested and tried if either of those things were true. There just wasn’t any evidence to warrant an arrest. But because Zimmerman wasn’t black and Martin was, and underage at that, so many black leaders saw this as an incident to exploit and they did just that. And why would they do such a thing? Because it gives them a job, a voice, and political power. America is not in the 1950s anymore, nor is the south still full of institutionalized racism. Yet, so many black leaders obviously have felt that they cannot admit this. Naturally, if they did, they’d be out of a job, have less of a voice, and even less political power. That is why this case has become what it has. That is why racial tensions have been strained by this case. And I personally think that that has been an atrocity.
I am not a racist. I have had black friends in my life. Hell, my favorite childhood toy was a black rag doll. I have never been put off about being around blacks. But what does put me off is when I and others are accused of being racists whenever we don’t like something a black person has done. I don’t like President Obama, for example. Not because he’s black, but because I think his policies have been horrible for this country. On most issues, I think President Obama couldn’t be much more wrong than he’s been. But that does not make me a racist.
And it doesn’t matter to those who accuse George Zimmerman of racism that his background doesn’t support their claim, or that Martin beating the crap out of him is why Zimmerman actually shot him, or that it was Martin who actually undeniably brought racism into the altercation by calling Zimmerman a white cracker. No, none of that seems to matter. Nor does it matter that Martin had been suspended three times from school for fighting and that he had marijuana in his system at the time of the altercation. No, in their minds, he was simply an innocent twelve year old boy who was shot only because he was black. But I tell you, there was no proof whatsoever to assert this. It is a fiction.
In my opinion, justice has been done. The evidence provided just did not prove any racism or ill intent on the part of Zimmerman, nor that Trayvon Martin was just some innocent victim. What the evidence proved was that Zimmerman had to defend himself against Martin. That’s why he shot him. But for all those who simply refuse to see this, I ask you this: what would you think if Zimmerman had not shot Martin and Martin had continued beating him to death? What would you think of Zimmerman had he had no gun? What if Zimmerman had not been able to defend himself and Martin had gotten in just another blow or two? Had Trayvon Martin killed Zimmerman, would you still feel the same? Had George Zimmerman been black and Trayvon Martin been white would you still feel the same?
Having seen the complete nonsense surrounding this case, I feel so completely ashamed of so many of my fellow Americans. But I am glad that we have the justice system we have. Had Jesus been tried in America, the Pharisees would never have been able to pressure a conviction against him. He would have had his day in court and he would have been found not guilty. Now, I’m not trying to compare George Zimmerman to Jesus. Far from it. For all I know, Zimmerman may have been guilty. But what I do know is that like Jesus, George Zimmerman has had many people outright lying, ignoring the facts, and inciting rage against him in order to pressure the powers that be to crucify him. Again I ask them though to provide their proof. Local authorities initially found none to bring charges against him, and after all the evidence was presented in court, except for a few more pieces which were excluded and which more than likely would have favored the defense, a jury of six people determined that George Zimmerman was not guilty.
As far as I’m concerned, justice has been done, and all those just trying to stir things up ought to just shut up and accept that for once in their lives they just might be wrong about something.
Having said all this, I am sympathetic to the fact that minorities have had to endure a great amount of injustice throughout the years under the law. But with the facts that have been presented, I simply do not believe that this was one of those cases, and that by trying to make it into one, they discredit themselves and weaken their own cases in other instances which truly are injustices worth fighting.
It’s a dark night and it’s raining. A neighborhood watchman sits in his car and sees a young man walking by. For various reasons, he finds the behavior of the young man to be suspicious. He calls 911 and is told to wait for police. Worrying the young man, who fits the description of other young men who had recently robbed several houses in the neighborhood and not been caught, may get out of view and do who knows what, he decides to follow him and see where he goes. The young man notices a man is following behind him. He turns around and confronts the watchman, initiating a fight, wherein he winds up on top of the watchman, throwing punches at the man’s face, breaking his nose and causing his head to be repeatedly thrown back onto a hard sidewalk. Fearing for his life, the watchman—even more scared now about this young man than he was to begin with—begins screaming for help and trying to reach for his gun. The young man sees the gun and also begins reaching for it. But the watchman gets it first and shoots the young man who is on top of him. The young man falls to the side and the watchman restrains him. Fellow neighbors begin showing up to the scene, and the police arrive. The young man dies, and the neighborhood watchmen claims self defense. He is initially free of any charges being brought against him, but is eventually arrested, murder 2 and manslaughter charges are brought up against him, and he is tried in a court of his peers who agree he was defending himself, having no ill intent in the matter. He is found, rightfully, not guilty of any crime.
Scenario 2:
It’s a dark night and it’s raining. A young kid is walking back to his home. He is minding his own business and doing nothing wrong. Nearby, a neighborhood watchman is on guard. He is mad about all the black hoodlums who have recently robbed his neighborhood and gotten away with it. He sees this kid walking by. The kid fits the description. He’s black and young. Furthermore, he’s wearing a hoodie over his head. The neighborhood watchman believes the kid must be up to no good. He calls 911 and is told to stay in his car. He decides he’ll follow the kid instead, because he just can’t stand the thought of another one of these “fucking niggers” getting away with it. He menacingly follows behind the kid. The kid sees him and becomes scared for his life. The kid turns around and confronts this man following him. Then the neighborhood watchman pulls out his gun. The kid begins fighting the watchman, defending himself. He screams for help, but no one comes. The watchman is able to shoot the kid and he dies as others show up at the scene. The neighborhood watchman has just committed a brutal hate crime, but he is able to get away with it simply because he is white and the kid was black. However, after much strength in outrage, charges are brought against the watchman and he is tried in a court of his peers. For some unknown, outrageous reason though, the jury of that court finds him not guilty. The racist, gun happy, wannabe cop is wrongfully allowed to go free.
This case has honestly frustrated the hell out of me. To begin with, I am saddened that a young seventeen year old was shot and killed. And it probably wouldn’t have happened had George Zimmerman simply stayed put after calling 911. However, had Zimmerman stayed put, and had Trayvon Martin actually been up to no good as he believed, then Martin could have committed a crime and gotten away with it. Furthermore, it’s not a crime to walk behind someone. So, I can’t completely say that I think Zimmerman was wrong by following Martin, regardless of his reasons for doing so.
I’m also frustrated by the way so many have responded to this case. A lot of assumptions have been made, and the media itself has even outright lied about some of the facts surrounding it. Certain pieces of evidence or information were purposefully withheld from the defense. The Black Panthers offered a $10,000 reward for the capture of Zimmerman. Several black leaders and politicians tried interjecting themselves into the case, and even in some regards stirred up emotions against Zimmerman. I’m bothered by most of this because it stirs up a mob mentality, jeopardizes our legal system, enrages people unnecessarily, and skews the truth.
It also frustrates me that the facts of this case do more to back scenario 1 than they do scenario 2, and yet so many people have wanted to completely ignore so many of the facts in order to promote their own agendas, or perhaps their own biases.
I’ve heard many people say, “Well, why was he (Zimmerman) following this kid/child?” My response is to first clarify what a kid and/or child is. A seventeen year old, over six feet tall, former football player is not exactly a child or kid in my mind. The notion that Martin was a kid was fueled first and foremost by the media who showed only a photo of Martin when he was 12, rather than 17 at the time of the shooting. He was a teenager, or a young adult male. He was taller and by all accounts even stronger than Zimmerman. Secondly, I would respond, “Since when is it a crime to follow, or to walk behind, another person?” It doesn’t really matter why Zimmerman followed Trayvon Martin. I say that because Zimmerman following Martin does not give Martin the right to turn around and start beating Zimmerman up. That is, unless Zimmerman pulled a gun on Martin first. However, we have no proof of that happening, and should not start reaching conclusions based on unfounded assumptions. And, lastly, could it be that perhaps Zimmerman only followed Martin because he wanted to keep tabs on him? Could it not be as simple as that? Could it not be that Zimmerman thought Martin was acting suspiciously (whether warranted or not), that he knew it would probably take the police ten to fifteen more minutes to respond, and that he just wanted to keep a watch on what this young man was doing and where he was going? How different is that from anything a regular cop would do?
On another matter, I want to address this whole issue of race being some motivator to Zimmerman supposedly going after Martin. For starters, Zimmerman is not fully white. He is only half white. His other half is Hispanic. So, being of mixed race, I do find it incredible that Zimmerman would be racist. More than likely he had himself been made fun of or ridiculed at some point in his life for having parents of mixed race. That’s in the first place. Secondly, he had many black friends who came forward early on saying there wasn’t a racist bone in his body. He’d taken a black girl to his prom, he had grown up with black kids in his house, and he’d even mentored black kids as an adult. All those things bring some serious doubt to my mind that Zimmerman is a racist. Furthermore, it occurs to me that a great many people in the media lied about Zimmerman’s past statements in order to make him appear racist. He was reported as saying, “These fucking niggers always get away with it”, when in fact he said, “These fucking punks always get away with it.” Now, we may be splitting hairs here to some people’s minds, but there is a difference between the words nigger and punk. Nigger is used as an expletive of sorts against blacks. Punk, however, could be used to characterize anyone of any race, and infers to them being a ruffian of sorts. There is a big difference between the two I think. The first would indeed make Zimmerman out to be racist. The second, however, makes him a concerned citizen. The media chose to lie about what he said in order to make him out to be a racist. I find this completely negligent and disgusting on the part of the media. It is their fault, in part, for fueling flames and riling people up in anger unnecessarily.
At best, perhaps Zimmerman did follow Martin and find him to be a suspicious character because he was black, but not because Zimmerman didn’t like blacks, rather because it had been young black men who had recently broken in to a few homes in the area and Trayvon Martin simply matched their description. There is absolutely nothing about this case which would lead me to believe that Zimmerman was some horrible racist out to take down a young black man. I dare anyone screaming that that’s the case to actually produce any real evidence of it. So far, I’ve heard nothing but speculation and assumption.
Let me speak my mind now, and hate me if you will…
Not every bad thing that happens to a black person happens to them because they are black. Just as not every bad thing that happens to me happens because I am gay. Had Zimmerman been black, or had Martin been white, we would never have heard of this case at all. George Zimmerman never would have even been arrested and tried if either of those things were true. There just wasn’t any evidence to warrant an arrest. But because Zimmerman wasn’t black and Martin was, and underage at that, so many black leaders saw this as an incident to exploit and they did just that. And why would they do such a thing? Because it gives them a job, a voice, and political power. America is not in the 1950s anymore, nor is the south still full of institutionalized racism. Yet, so many black leaders obviously have felt that they cannot admit this. Naturally, if they did, they’d be out of a job, have less of a voice, and even less political power. That is why this case has become what it has. That is why racial tensions have been strained by this case. And I personally think that that has been an atrocity.
I am not a racist. I have had black friends in my life. Hell, my favorite childhood toy was a black rag doll. I have never been put off about being around blacks. But what does put me off is when I and others are accused of being racists whenever we don’t like something a black person has done. I don’t like President Obama, for example. Not because he’s black, but because I think his policies have been horrible for this country. On most issues, I think President Obama couldn’t be much more wrong than he’s been. But that does not make me a racist.
And it doesn’t matter to those who accuse George Zimmerman of racism that his background doesn’t support their claim, or that Martin beating the crap out of him is why Zimmerman actually shot him, or that it was Martin who actually undeniably brought racism into the altercation by calling Zimmerman a white cracker. No, none of that seems to matter. Nor does it matter that Martin had been suspended three times from school for fighting and that he had marijuana in his system at the time of the altercation. No, in their minds, he was simply an innocent twelve year old boy who was shot only because he was black. But I tell you, there was no proof whatsoever to assert this. It is a fiction.
In my opinion, justice has been done. The evidence provided just did not prove any racism or ill intent on the part of Zimmerman, nor that Trayvon Martin was just some innocent victim. What the evidence proved was that Zimmerman had to defend himself against Martin. That’s why he shot him. But for all those who simply refuse to see this, I ask you this: what would you think if Zimmerman had not shot Martin and Martin had continued beating him to death? What would you think of Zimmerman had he had no gun? What if Zimmerman had not been able to defend himself and Martin had gotten in just another blow or two? Had Trayvon Martin killed Zimmerman, would you still feel the same? Had George Zimmerman been black and Trayvon Martin been white would you still feel the same?
Having seen the complete nonsense surrounding this case, I feel so completely ashamed of so many of my fellow Americans. But I am glad that we have the justice system we have. Had Jesus been tried in America, the Pharisees would never have been able to pressure a conviction against him. He would have had his day in court and he would have been found not guilty. Now, I’m not trying to compare George Zimmerman to Jesus. Far from it. For all I know, Zimmerman may have been guilty. But what I do know is that like Jesus, George Zimmerman has had many people outright lying, ignoring the facts, and inciting rage against him in order to pressure the powers that be to crucify him. Again I ask them though to provide their proof. Local authorities initially found none to bring charges against him, and after all the evidence was presented in court, except for a few more pieces which were excluded and which more than likely would have favored the defense, a jury of six people determined that George Zimmerman was not guilty.
As far as I’m concerned, justice has been done, and all those just trying to stir things up ought to just shut up and accept that for once in their lives they just might be wrong about something.
Having said all this, I am sympathetic to the fact that minorities have had to endure a great amount of injustice throughout the years under the law. But with the facts that have been presented, I simply do not believe that this was one of those cases, and that by trying to make it into one, they discredit themselves and weaken their own cases in other instances which truly are injustices worth fighting.
Friday, June 21, 2013
Exodus No More
I think the earliest I ever realized I liked other guys in a romantic sense was when I was in the fifth grade. I was sitting out on the playground with a few friends and one of them started talking about and making fun of “queers” and “fags” (those were his words). I remember not really knowing what he was talking about, and so I asked him. He said it was guys who like other guys. At that moment, I knew exactly what he was talking about. I’d already been noticing other guys in that way. What I learned from this is that if I didn’t want to be made fun of or lose any friends, I’d better keep my thoughts to myself. More than that, I learned that I didn’t want to be gay.
Throughout middle school and high school, I was made fun of a lot by other guys who thought I was gay. There were lots of jokes and innuendos. Maybe no more than anyone else experiences, but it was still enough to make me feel as though there was something wrong with me.
I heard people at church and at home, friends, and family alike, talk about how homosexuality is a sin. I read the bible and concluded the same thing. I believed it is, and to some extent still believe it might be, a sin for two men to be in a sexual relationship with each other. But I believed something far worse, too. I believed it was sinful simply to have those sorts of attractions. I believed there was something about me that wasn’t supposed to be. I believed there was something wrong with me.
After high school, I experienced a really lonely and confusing time in my life. And it got so bad—I struggled so bad—that I very nearly took my own life. Thankfully, I was too scared to do it, and cared too much for my family to put them through such a thing, to carry it out. Thankfully, God heard my prayers for help and guided me back onto solid pavement.
After a very poignant rescue, and another month or two of thinking things through, I determined not to worry anymore about being gay. I realized if God would save my life as He did, that He must not have abandoned me. I knew in my heart that even if others may hate me for being gay, God didn’t. I felt a great deal of hope from that, and I used that hope to turn my life around. I put aside thoughts of taking my life, worked to build up my faith, to work harder on finishing goals in life, and to simply try my best not to give into temptations to sin. I determined that so long as I wasn’t actually giving in to my desires to be with another man, the temptations I felt to do that were nothing more than temptations. I determined that those temptations were not sinful in and of themselves. I still, however, cared about what others might think of me. So, I still tried to keep my sexuality to myself.
In 2005, my brother found out I was gay. His response was one of total rejection. It meant a lot then, and it still means a lot to me now, what my brother thinks. His response literally threw me into one of the worst states of depression I’ve ever been in. It opened up many old wounds and made me question a lot of my decisions. It made me question the hope I’d previously found. And it made me determine more than ever that I didn’t want to be gay anymore.
I ended up at a point where I knew I needed help. I knew I needed to be able to talk to someone about my struggles with homosexuality. But I couldn’t bring myself to actually do any talking with anyone about it. I went online instead and eventually came across Exodus International. I read the testimonies and some of the books listed on their website and connected to their message. I felt understood for the first time in my life.
I eventually found a wonderful Christian minister through Exodus who was willing to counsel me. He was actually willing to listen to me. He was never judgmental. He never pushed me do anything I didn’t want to do or wasn’t willing to try. He was just kind to me. He offered advice, encouragement, prayers, and a shoulder to lean on. I owe him so much for the help he gave me.
Yesterday, I found out Exodus International will be shutting down.
I don’t know exactly how to feel about this. On one hand I feel a profound sadness about it; sadness, because I know how much I was helped through Exodus, and how much others have been helped by them. On the other hand, I feel it is for the best.
I can’t deny what help, what hope, strength, encouragement, and wisdom I gained through Exodus. They helped me not only feel more understood, but for me to understand myself better as well. I made friends through them. I started this blog (in a roundabout way) because of them. Knowing all of this, I don’t see how I can ever completely say that Exodus’ closing is a good thing.
However, I will concede that Exodus’ closing may truly bring about a great deal of good. I know not everyone Exodus worked with was helped as I was. Seeing so many negative responses toward Exodus now and throughout the last few years, it really has made me wonder if maybe I simply lucked out for some reason. I do believe, perhaps, that I understood their message slightly differently than most others. I was never told that changing my sexuality should be a real goal of mine, only that it was possible for God to bring about such a change—and that if it happened, it would be His doing above any efforts of my own. Perhaps others were told something different, or perhaps they understood it differently than I did, I don’t know. But I will say now, as I have many times before, that Exodus’ approach was not the best.
Reparative therapy is not the best approach to use when dealing with someone struggling with their sexuality. Exodus used, believed in, and advocated those practices throughout the years. I don’t believe they work. That is, I don’t believe they can ever really help bring about a change in one’s sexual orientation. The only reparative therapies I was ever willing to engage in were gender role related, and I can say that they helped me better understand myself and know how to better relate to other men. Rather than be a sort of blank slate as I felt I was beforehand, they helped me figure out and embrace those things I like best about being male. But these therapies, I certainly do believe can and have brought about a lot of pain for a lot of people, including false hope.
What I would really like to see happen out of Exodus’ closing is that a new bridge can be created between the Church and LGBT individuals. I would love to see those who worked for Exodus, or who was helped by Exodus, go forth and bring awareness to those issues which unnecessarily, undesirably, and regrettably separate LGBT individuals and otherwise from inclusion in the Church. Reading the reasons for which Exodus is being closed, I do find some hope that that will happen. For that reason, I can’t be too very sad to see Exodus come to an end. From its death, I see and hope for a new birth—the result being something far better than what was before.
With that in mind, I pray, “Lord, please help your Church be able to better reach out to others. Please help us to make a positive difference in the lives of others and to show them your love and grace. Please help us to better understand each other, Lord, and to be more accepting, forgiving, and smarter in our dealings with others. In your son Jesus’ name I pray. Amen.”
Throughout middle school and high school, I was made fun of a lot by other guys who thought I was gay. There were lots of jokes and innuendos. Maybe no more than anyone else experiences, but it was still enough to make me feel as though there was something wrong with me.
I heard people at church and at home, friends, and family alike, talk about how homosexuality is a sin. I read the bible and concluded the same thing. I believed it is, and to some extent still believe it might be, a sin for two men to be in a sexual relationship with each other. But I believed something far worse, too. I believed it was sinful simply to have those sorts of attractions. I believed there was something about me that wasn’t supposed to be. I believed there was something wrong with me.
After high school, I experienced a really lonely and confusing time in my life. And it got so bad—I struggled so bad—that I very nearly took my own life. Thankfully, I was too scared to do it, and cared too much for my family to put them through such a thing, to carry it out. Thankfully, God heard my prayers for help and guided me back onto solid pavement.
After a very poignant rescue, and another month or two of thinking things through, I determined not to worry anymore about being gay. I realized if God would save my life as He did, that He must not have abandoned me. I knew in my heart that even if others may hate me for being gay, God didn’t. I felt a great deal of hope from that, and I used that hope to turn my life around. I put aside thoughts of taking my life, worked to build up my faith, to work harder on finishing goals in life, and to simply try my best not to give into temptations to sin. I determined that so long as I wasn’t actually giving in to my desires to be with another man, the temptations I felt to do that were nothing more than temptations. I determined that those temptations were not sinful in and of themselves. I still, however, cared about what others might think of me. So, I still tried to keep my sexuality to myself.
In 2005, my brother found out I was gay. His response was one of total rejection. It meant a lot then, and it still means a lot to me now, what my brother thinks. His response literally threw me into one of the worst states of depression I’ve ever been in. It opened up many old wounds and made me question a lot of my decisions. It made me question the hope I’d previously found. And it made me determine more than ever that I didn’t want to be gay anymore.
I ended up at a point where I knew I needed help. I knew I needed to be able to talk to someone about my struggles with homosexuality. But I couldn’t bring myself to actually do any talking with anyone about it. I went online instead and eventually came across Exodus International. I read the testimonies and some of the books listed on their website and connected to their message. I felt understood for the first time in my life.
I eventually found a wonderful Christian minister through Exodus who was willing to counsel me. He was actually willing to listen to me. He was never judgmental. He never pushed me do anything I didn’t want to do or wasn’t willing to try. He was just kind to me. He offered advice, encouragement, prayers, and a shoulder to lean on. I owe him so much for the help he gave me.
Yesterday, I found out Exodus International will be shutting down.
I don’t know exactly how to feel about this. On one hand I feel a profound sadness about it; sadness, because I know how much I was helped through Exodus, and how much others have been helped by them. On the other hand, I feel it is for the best.
I can’t deny what help, what hope, strength, encouragement, and wisdom I gained through Exodus. They helped me not only feel more understood, but for me to understand myself better as well. I made friends through them. I started this blog (in a roundabout way) because of them. Knowing all of this, I don’t see how I can ever completely say that Exodus’ closing is a good thing.
However, I will concede that Exodus’ closing may truly bring about a great deal of good. I know not everyone Exodus worked with was helped as I was. Seeing so many negative responses toward Exodus now and throughout the last few years, it really has made me wonder if maybe I simply lucked out for some reason. I do believe, perhaps, that I understood their message slightly differently than most others. I was never told that changing my sexuality should be a real goal of mine, only that it was possible for God to bring about such a change—and that if it happened, it would be His doing above any efforts of my own. Perhaps others were told something different, or perhaps they understood it differently than I did, I don’t know. But I will say now, as I have many times before, that Exodus’ approach was not the best.
Reparative therapy is not the best approach to use when dealing with someone struggling with their sexuality. Exodus used, believed in, and advocated those practices throughout the years. I don’t believe they work. That is, I don’t believe they can ever really help bring about a change in one’s sexual orientation. The only reparative therapies I was ever willing to engage in were gender role related, and I can say that they helped me better understand myself and know how to better relate to other men. Rather than be a sort of blank slate as I felt I was beforehand, they helped me figure out and embrace those things I like best about being male. But these therapies, I certainly do believe can and have brought about a lot of pain for a lot of people, including false hope.
What I would really like to see happen out of Exodus’ closing is that a new bridge can be created between the Church and LGBT individuals. I would love to see those who worked for Exodus, or who was helped by Exodus, go forth and bring awareness to those issues which unnecessarily, undesirably, and regrettably separate LGBT individuals and otherwise from inclusion in the Church. Reading the reasons for which Exodus is being closed, I do find some hope that that will happen. For that reason, I can’t be too very sad to see Exodus come to an end. From its death, I see and hope for a new birth—the result being something far better than what was before.
With that in mind, I pray, “Lord, please help your Church be able to better reach out to others. Please help us to make a positive difference in the lives of others and to show them your love and grace. Please help us to better understand each other, Lord, and to be more accepting, forgiving, and smarter in our dealings with others. In your son Jesus’ name I pray. Amen.”
Sunday, June 9, 2013
Legal
It occurs to me that one of the greatest frustrations and struggles I’ve had in my adult life is to avoid certain sins I am prone/tempted to commit. At times I have had great success at resisting these sins. Other times, I have failed miserably.
I used to get really depressed every time I had a fall. I would try really hard not to, would make it for some time, and then would inevitably have a stumble. And I’d beat myself up over and over again for each little stumble I had. I’d pray for forgiveness, try again, have some success for a time, and then fall again. It was a horrible pattern that I couldn’t seem to break free of. And I’d listen to people tell me and others that it just takes time, that I was probably just setting myself up to fail somehow, and that if I’d just pray harder, fight harder, believe harder, and have greater patience, I would eventually reach a point of not sinning but very rarely, or being able to avoid certain sins altogether.
That hasn’t worked.
I’ve thought a lot about why I haven’t been able to completely keep myself from sinning. Why haven’t I had greater success? I think the answer is simple: I am a fallen human being, stained by sin, tempted by the devil, and made weak. I cannot do anything on my own to bring about my salvation, nor (more likely) totally go without ever sinning again. With this in mind, I think if humans were capable of ever completely resisting sin in the first place, then why did we need Jesus? We wouldn’t have. We would all have simply been able to uphold every letter of the law at all times and would have been saved by our own doing. We couldn’t do that though. We needed Jesus to save us. We needed a new covenant.
When I look back at the last several years I can see that more often than not I was trying to live up to the old law, looking at my faith in a very legalistic mindset—that if I’d just say and do all the right things, I would be okay. The problem with that mindset is that it devalues the sacrifice Christ made for each of us. He saved us, taking our sins upon himself, and offering us forgiveness and grace. We are not bound by the old laws. When we act as though we are, as if our salvation is dependent upon our following the law in the strictest sense, we make Christ’s sacrifice meaningless.
Jesus made things very simple for us. He told us to love God with all our hearts, souls, and minds. He told us to love our neighbors as ourselves. And He told us to believe and have faith. He also instructed the people he helped and taught to “sin no more”. On this point, was Jesus telling us we could and should never sin again? Or was he telling us to simply try our best not to sin anymore?
I believe both.
I believe with Christ’s help, it is possible for a person to never again sin. However, I also believe that, for reasons known only to Him, we may not always be given the help we need to stop sinning. I believe this because I know how hard I have tried and how hard others have tried, desperately tried, only to wind up failing. In the past I’ve tried to the point of near insanity (and I mean this in the most literal sense), and hated myself fiercely for any failings. And I was wrong to do this.
I get really frustrated with Christians who seem to believe that people should never sin, and who judge, belittle, and condemn anyone, including themselves, who do occasionally sin. I despise the attitude that church is only for sinless people. And yet, that is such a prevalent attitude among so many Christians. I’ve witnessed this firsthand myself. And what damage do Christians cause by having this attitude? How many prospective Christians do they run away from Christ by having such a legalistic mindset? How much damage do they cause themselves by their arrogance and lack of humility?
One thing I’ve learned the last few years is to not beat myself up so badly every time I have a fall. I’ve tried in earnest to change my attitude from one of legalistic adherence to one of accepting love, forgiveness, patience, and grace. I am not a perfect person. And I may never be a perfect person the whole time I walk this earth, regardless of however hard I try to be. That doesn’t mean I shouldn’t try, but just that whenever I come up short, it’s not the end of the world. There is still great hope for me.
Trust is something else I’m trying really hard to learn. Not so much trust in other people, which I have worked on some, but to let go and fully trust God—to believe that He will lead me and guide me in life to where I need to be, to what is best for me and Him. Doing this has certainly helped to bring about a lot less worry in my life. It has also helped me to accept and believe in His promise of forgiveness, to know that I am not damned by a single wrongdoing, but offered redemption instead.
“Lord, I pray you will look after all those struggling to overcome sin. I pray you will lead them and comfort them, and forgive them when they are weak. Give them the patience to endure, and the trust to continue following you no matter what. Help me in this same regard, Lord, and in all other ways you know I need it. And please also help the church to better know how to welcome and work with people of all backgrounds toward your glory, Lord. In your son, Jesus’, name I pray. Amen.”
I used to get really depressed every time I had a fall. I would try really hard not to, would make it for some time, and then would inevitably have a stumble. And I’d beat myself up over and over again for each little stumble I had. I’d pray for forgiveness, try again, have some success for a time, and then fall again. It was a horrible pattern that I couldn’t seem to break free of. And I’d listen to people tell me and others that it just takes time, that I was probably just setting myself up to fail somehow, and that if I’d just pray harder, fight harder, believe harder, and have greater patience, I would eventually reach a point of not sinning but very rarely, or being able to avoid certain sins altogether.
That hasn’t worked.
I’ve thought a lot about why I haven’t been able to completely keep myself from sinning. Why haven’t I had greater success? I think the answer is simple: I am a fallen human being, stained by sin, tempted by the devil, and made weak. I cannot do anything on my own to bring about my salvation, nor (more likely) totally go without ever sinning again. With this in mind, I think if humans were capable of ever completely resisting sin in the first place, then why did we need Jesus? We wouldn’t have. We would all have simply been able to uphold every letter of the law at all times and would have been saved by our own doing. We couldn’t do that though. We needed Jesus to save us. We needed a new covenant.
When I look back at the last several years I can see that more often than not I was trying to live up to the old law, looking at my faith in a very legalistic mindset—that if I’d just say and do all the right things, I would be okay. The problem with that mindset is that it devalues the sacrifice Christ made for each of us. He saved us, taking our sins upon himself, and offering us forgiveness and grace. We are not bound by the old laws. When we act as though we are, as if our salvation is dependent upon our following the law in the strictest sense, we make Christ’s sacrifice meaningless.
Jesus made things very simple for us. He told us to love God with all our hearts, souls, and minds. He told us to love our neighbors as ourselves. And He told us to believe and have faith. He also instructed the people he helped and taught to “sin no more”. On this point, was Jesus telling us we could and should never sin again? Or was he telling us to simply try our best not to sin anymore?
I believe both.
I believe with Christ’s help, it is possible for a person to never again sin. However, I also believe that, for reasons known only to Him, we may not always be given the help we need to stop sinning. I believe this because I know how hard I have tried and how hard others have tried, desperately tried, only to wind up failing. In the past I’ve tried to the point of near insanity (and I mean this in the most literal sense), and hated myself fiercely for any failings. And I was wrong to do this.
I get really frustrated with Christians who seem to believe that people should never sin, and who judge, belittle, and condemn anyone, including themselves, who do occasionally sin. I despise the attitude that church is only for sinless people. And yet, that is such a prevalent attitude among so many Christians. I’ve witnessed this firsthand myself. And what damage do Christians cause by having this attitude? How many prospective Christians do they run away from Christ by having such a legalistic mindset? How much damage do they cause themselves by their arrogance and lack of humility?
One thing I’ve learned the last few years is to not beat myself up so badly every time I have a fall. I’ve tried in earnest to change my attitude from one of legalistic adherence to one of accepting love, forgiveness, patience, and grace. I am not a perfect person. And I may never be a perfect person the whole time I walk this earth, regardless of however hard I try to be. That doesn’t mean I shouldn’t try, but just that whenever I come up short, it’s not the end of the world. There is still great hope for me.
Trust is something else I’m trying really hard to learn. Not so much trust in other people, which I have worked on some, but to let go and fully trust God—to believe that He will lead me and guide me in life to where I need to be, to what is best for me and Him. Doing this has certainly helped to bring about a lot less worry in my life. It has also helped me to accept and believe in His promise of forgiveness, to know that I am not damned by a single wrongdoing, but offered redemption instead.
“Lord, I pray you will look after all those struggling to overcome sin. I pray you will lead them and comfort them, and forgive them when they are weak. Give them the patience to endure, and the trust to continue following you no matter what. Help me in this same regard, Lord, and in all other ways you know I need it. And please also help the church to better know how to welcome and work with people of all backgrounds toward your glory, Lord. In your son, Jesus’, name I pray. Amen.”
Thursday, April 25, 2013
China Doll
A few weeks ago, I went with my family to see Oz: the Great and Powerful. Overall, I really enjoyed this sort of prequel to 1939’s The Wizard of Oz. One thing I particularly found memorable was a scene with a little China Doll character.
At the beginning of the movie, Oz (the Wizard), while performing a “magic” act, unintentionally convinces a little girl in a wheelchair, and her family, that he has the ability to make her walk again. They plead with him to help her, but he knows he is unable to and quickly leaves off stage, telling them he cannot help. Later in the movie, while in the Land of Oz, Oz comes across a small China doll whose legs have been broken off after an attack by the wicked witch. She is saddened by the loss of her legs and thinks she’ll never be able to walk again—this is an obvious parallel to the little girl in the earlier scene. Hoping to help her, he uses some glue from his bag of tricks to reattach her legs. After some shaky first steps, she is once again able to use her legs and walk. She is overjoyed with happiness for what he has been able to do for her—something that he could not do for the little girl in real life.
It is such a sweet, innocent scene, and it warmed my heart. It got me to thinking about how much most of us wish we could do more good in this world than what we often have time or the ability to do, and yet, in the Land of Oz, all things are possible. It reminds me that with God all things are possible; and even if things are not always as we’d wish them to be, we should always have hope for better things.
Something else it got me to thinking about though is how we are sometimes better off in certain places, or under certain circumstances, than we are in others. I really do believe that there is a place for each of us, a purpose for each of us, and that, even though it may take us some time to find our places in life, they will eventually be revealed to us. Oz’s place was not amongst the people of real life, but amongst the people of Oz. Columbus’s place was not to stay and farm the rich land of Europe, but to explore and find a whole new world and other civilizations. Jesus’ place was not to stay amongst the people of Nazareth, but to venture out and save the world. We are all meant for something. And even if that something is small and appears to be of little significance in comparison to others, it is assuredly of more importance than most of us could ever possibly understand.
I think sometimes about what my place is—where am I best suited for and what am I best suited to do? Even though I think living in a rural, conservative place is annoying or frustrating at times, I know in my heart it is where I am meant to be. Even though I love building houses and furniture and designing things, being a teacher is what I am meant to do. Even though my family sometimes makes me want to scream, I know we are a perfect match for each other.
In a lot of ways, I feel like I have figured out my place and purposes in life. But with that said, I still wonder what God has in store for me. I wonder where He will lead me, or what he will have me doing, or who he will have me being around. I wonder what direction my life will take (so long as I continue allowing Him to guide me and have hope).
Where is your hope? Where is your place? What is your purpose in life?
At the beginning of the movie, Oz (the Wizard), while performing a “magic” act, unintentionally convinces a little girl in a wheelchair, and her family, that he has the ability to make her walk again. They plead with him to help her, but he knows he is unable to and quickly leaves off stage, telling them he cannot help. Later in the movie, while in the Land of Oz, Oz comes across a small China doll whose legs have been broken off after an attack by the wicked witch. She is saddened by the loss of her legs and thinks she’ll never be able to walk again—this is an obvious parallel to the little girl in the earlier scene. Hoping to help her, he uses some glue from his bag of tricks to reattach her legs. After some shaky first steps, she is once again able to use her legs and walk. She is overjoyed with happiness for what he has been able to do for her—something that he could not do for the little girl in real life.
It is such a sweet, innocent scene, and it warmed my heart. It got me to thinking about how much most of us wish we could do more good in this world than what we often have time or the ability to do, and yet, in the Land of Oz, all things are possible. It reminds me that with God all things are possible; and even if things are not always as we’d wish them to be, we should always have hope for better things.
Something else it got me to thinking about though is how we are sometimes better off in certain places, or under certain circumstances, than we are in others. I really do believe that there is a place for each of us, a purpose for each of us, and that, even though it may take us some time to find our places in life, they will eventually be revealed to us. Oz’s place was not amongst the people of real life, but amongst the people of Oz. Columbus’s place was not to stay and farm the rich land of Europe, but to explore and find a whole new world and other civilizations. Jesus’ place was not to stay amongst the people of Nazareth, but to venture out and save the world. We are all meant for something. And even if that something is small and appears to be of little significance in comparison to others, it is assuredly of more importance than most of us could ever possibly understand.
I think sometimes about what my place is—where am I best suited for and what am I best suited to do? Even though I think living in a rural, conservative place is annoying or frustrating at times, I know in my heart it is where I am meant to be. Even though I love building houses and furniture and designing things, being a teacher is what I am meant to do. Even though my family sometimes makes me want to scream, I know we are a perfect match for each other.
In a lot of ways, I feel like I have figured out my place and purposes in life. But with that said, I still wonder what God has in store for me. I wonder where He will lead me, or what he will have me doing, or who he will have me being around. I wonder what direction my life will take (so long as I continue allowing Him to guide me and have hope).
Where is your hope? Where is your place? What is your purpose in life?
Sunday, March 17, 2013
What Makes it Wrong?
I read a comment on another blog recently that got me to thinking about how people reach the conclusion that homosexuality is wrong. In this particular comment, the commenter suggested that he sort of instinctively knew that he was doing something wrong the first time he engaged in homosexual activity. Others have told him that they didn’t know there was anything wrong with it until they came to their faith and accepted Christ.
What other means do people come to this belief? In all, I have thought of five means total.
One: the bible tells us so. As simplistic as that sounds, some people really do accept morals singularly from this source. From my own perspective, the bible does hold a lot of weight with me. It is one of the greatest works of the Holy Spirit ever. So, to deny or prevent its influence, I believe, is foolhardy at best.
Two: God teaches it is wrong through conviction of the Holy Spirit. I believe this could be true. If we are saved in the faith, I have no doubt at all that God will use the Holy Spirit to convict us of our sins (I would argue that He would do this even if we are not yet saved as well). If homosexual acts truly are sinful, then I am positive the Holy Spirit would try to convict us of that in order to enlighten us and spur us into changing our ways.
Three: Our nature’s fight against it. If we are truly designed as human beings only for heterosexual expressions of sex, then our nature will work to make us comply; when we go against it, it will let us know. For instance, if we chew on broken glass, we are likely to experience pain because our mouths are not designed in such a way to handle chewing on anything as sharp as that. Upon first bite, and that first puncture of the flesh, most of us would instinctively spit out the glass and never try to chew on it again. Our nature has cried out to us not to do that thing again. It could be the same for homosexuality. When we engage in homosexual acts, our bodies may in some way try to warn us against that. We may, too, be convinced by the functions of our design. Even though it is possible for two men or two women to engage in sexual acts together, their bodies are not designed for that function—the ultimate [note that I do not say only] goal of sex being procreation, something that only man and woman together can achieve. So we may be convinced that homosexuality is wrong simply by the designs of our bodies, the very nature of our biological design.
Four: We are taught that homosexual acts are wrong through environmental influences. When we see heterosexuality being the norm, see others make fun of homosexuals, and hear others preach against homosexuality, it only stands to reason that we may be influenced towards those ways of thinking, or allow those ways of thinking to influence our decisions. If we are raised in an environment very gay friendly, however, we may be less inclined to have any real problems, or concerns, about homosexuality. We may, in essence, view it more favorably, having fewer instances of its rejection or disapproval to model after. So, in those ways, I believe our environments can influence us into either believing it more or less acceptable.
Five: It is a personal decision. Anyone who decides that homosexuality is wrong must of course come to this decision, in the end, on their own. That is to say that no one can make this decision for you. This personal decision could be that homosexuality is wrong in the immoral sense, but also something determined wrong for one’s life, or course, as well. Many gay men and women do choose to pursue a life outside of homosexuality. There can be many reasons for this. They may want children, they may not want to be outside the norm, and/or they may have personal convictions through their faith. On that last, I do know many gay men who have told me that they never have felt any inner feelings of homosexuality being wrong. They resist homosexual desires purely out of their wish to adhere to the teachings of their faith, or the authority of the church (I commend them for this act of faith and submission, regardless if said authority or teaching is wrong).
Of the five means to determining homosexuality is wrong (and there may be others of which I am just not thinking about at this moment), I honestly am not sure which ones, if any, fully apply to me. I know I am not nearly as inclined to believe homosexuality is wrong as I used to believe.
The bible does hold a great deal of weight on my decision making. However, I realize it may not be fully inclusive to God’s desires for us, having been written by flawed men with differing interpretations, perspectives, and even in some cases a lack of understanding (remember the disciples didn’t even fully understand Jesus’ teachings a great deal of the time, and Jesus himself expressed frustration about this—perhaps some of that same lack of understanding was at times translated or transferred into the Bible).
There have certainly been some strong occasions in which I believe the Holy Spirit has pressed upon me to either do or not do a particular thing. I have often felt led by Him, and accepted His direction for my life. At times, I have felt inclined to do certain things concerning homosexuality, which the Holy Spirit has discouraged me from doing. At other times, however, He has not discouraged me—at least in any way in which I could comprehend. And upon examination, I realize it is far too often those desires to rush out and into something probably pretty dangerous that He helps prevent, whereas those more loving, thoughtful desires to want to be with a particular person or another have not been so discouraged—a great many times there has been no discouragement that I could tell at all, but in fact an almost prodding to go ahead (I usually question these urges, in both regards, for rather long periods of time).
Concerning nature, I have to admit that I am influenced by the designs of our bodies to a great degree. It does not make sense to me that we would be designed for anything outside of heterosexuality. However, my nature has seldom, if ever, really called out against such activity. It has actually been those times when I did engage in heterosexual acts that felt in the strongest of ways to be unnatural [on this point, I want to make clear that I am not talking about masculinity, but sexual desires alone]. With this in mind, perhaps we are, to some extent, allowed more freedom over our bodies to interpret their functions than we would expect and allowed to oblige them. Even though we may not have been designed for homosexual engagements in the creation, our bodies may indeed be susceptible to them and may even be, at times, in favor of them. I will note on this point that even the animals, at times, engage in homosexual acts. If homosexuality is sinful, then I have to wonder whether or not even the animals are prone to sin as well. On this point, I have never heard of any teachings that that is the case. So, if the animals are free to express homosexual acts as a part of their nature, rather than sin, then is it not likely that human beings, too, may engage in such activities not as sin but of their nature? And if this is true, then could God really have such objections to it (granted that they are expressions of love rather than lust)? Could it not also be that animals, and the rest of nature, are stained by the fall just as much as we have been though—their very natures being just as twisted as ours as a result of the fall? I’m not sure.
This leads me next to consider our environments. I have for a very long time believed that one’s environment may prove to be, more than anything else, the root cause of their homosexuality. I can look at many environmental factors in my own life to at least suggest that this may have been the case for me (I have picked up on other noticeable environmental factors in the lives of others, too, though). This does not, however, prevent me from recognizing certain strong biological implications that may also play a part in the causation of homosexuality. But when I look at how I was raised and the things I was taught (whether academically or as life experience), I do see great reason to believe that my environment, even though perhaps causing me become homosexual, most likely also taught me that homosexuality is wrong more than anything else. I have certainly felt guilty or ashamed many times by the thought of going against those things I was taught, or raised to believe in. When I have been attracted to other men I have been reminded that other men think that is wrong, that the church preaches against such thoughts, that many in my family have openly disapproved of homosexuals, and that many others, in my presence, have far too often made fun of homosexuals. I have, to a great degree, been taught to feel ashamed and guilty of having such desires for other men. I do believe this was wrong, and in the last few years I have rejected such teachings and ways of thinking (maybe not entirely, but definitely for the most part). I have come to believe that these feelings, unless prompted by the Holy Spirit, are simply not of God, but rather manmade and sinful in themselves. That is not to suggest that people cannot believe as they see fit and proper on the matter—I do not wish to discourage anyone of their convictions—but just to say that a great many are lacking in their approach to others. One can believe that homosexual acts are wrong, and even discourage people from engaging in such acts, but I believe they should not do this by applications of guilt, shame, carelessness, anger, disregard, neglect, hate, or pride. Likewise, a person tempted to homosexuality, believing it is wrong, I believe would do far better to try to adhere to their beliefs much more from an academic acknowledgement, or response, of their faith, rather than as a response to poor emotion (again, I say this is proper unless otherwise pressed by the Holy Spirit, which may be difficult for a person to discern at times, I admit).
As a personal decision, I have accepted more than not that homosexuality is wrong for me to engage in. That is not to say that I have decided I am anything but homosexual based on any personal decision—I do not believe that is possible. However, anyone can choose, or make a decision, on how best to live their life. Just because I am gay, does not mean I have to be with another man. Nor does it mean I have to be with a woman. I can choose to be with no one if that serves me and the Lord best. At this time, I have chosen the latter. I have done this because I do not wish to rush into anything of which I still do not believe I fully understand; I have not yet fully been able to interpret God’s desire for me in this regard. Perhaps His desire is exactly for me to be of the mind, or opinion, I currently have, not wanting me to be with anyone at this time.
I do believe, regardless of one’s teachings, one’s nature, one’s urging of the Holy Spirit, or one’s understanding of the Bible (or anything else), that each person has to make up their own mind on the matter of homosexuality on their own. Is it right or wrong? Does God approve or disapprove? Is it good for me or bad for me? Each of these things must be decided upon by the individual. With free will, we must make our best decision. Some of us may make the wrong decision, and some may make the right decision. But it has to be a personal decision. I do not believe anyone can make it for us, nor should they try, nor should we ever fully accept any other person’s decision without having first given a great degree of thought about it on our own.
Let me know what you think. I’m curious to see how others believe, and to know just how a person does come to a belief that homosexuality is wrong—I’m curious to see if there are any overwhelming factors of similarities about this.
What other means do people come to this belief? In all, I have thought of five means total.
One: the bible tells us so. As simplistic as that sounds, some people really do accept morals singularly from this source. From my own perspective, the bible does hold a lot of weight with me. It is one of the greatest works of the Holy Spirit ever. So, to deny or prevent its influence, I believe, is foolhardy at best.
Two: God teaches it is wrong through conviction of the Holy Spirit. I believe this could be true. If we are saved in the faith, I have no doubt at all that God will use the Holy Spirit to convict us of our sins (I would argue that He would do this even if we are not yet saved as well). If homosexual acts truly are sinful, then I am positive the Holy Spirit would try to convict us of that in order to enlighten us and spur us into changing our ways.
Three: Our nature’s fight against it. If we are truly designed as human beings only for heterosexual expressions of sex, then our nature will work to make us comply; when we go against it, it will let us know. For instance, if we chew on broken glass, we are likely to experience pain because our mouths are not designed in such a way to handle chewing on anything as sharp as that. Upon first bite, and that first puncture of the flesh, most of us would instinctively spit out the glass and never try to chew on it again. Our nature has cried out to us not to do that thing again. It could be the same for homosexuality. When we engage in homosexual acts, our bodies may in some way try to warn us against that. We may, too, be convinced by the functions of our design. Even though it is possible for two men or two women to engage in sexual acts together, their bodies are not designed for that function—the ultimate [note that I do not say only] goal of sex being procreation, something that only man and woman together can achieve. So we may be convinced that homosexuality is wrong simply by the designs of our bodies, the very nature of our biological design.
Four: We are taught that homosexual acts are wrong through environmental influences. When we see heterosexuality being the norm, see others make fun of homosexuals, and hear others preach against homosexuality, it only stands to reason that we may be influenced towards those ways of thinking, or allow those ways of thinking to influence our decisions. If we are raised in an environment very gay friendly, however, we may be less inclined to have any real problems, or concerns, about homosexuality. We may, in essence, view it more favorably, having fewer instances of its rejection or disapproval to model after. So, in those ways, I believe our environments can influence us into either believing it more or less acceptable.
Five: It is a personal decision. Anyone who decides that homosexuality is wrong must of course come to this decision, in the end, on their own. That is to say that no one can make this decision for you. This personal decision could be that homosexuality is wrong in the immoral sense, but also something determined wrong for one’s life, or course, as well. Many gay men and women do choose to pursue a life outside of homosexuality. There can be many reasons for this. They may want children, they may not want to be outside the norm, and/or they may have personal convictions through their faith. On that last, I do know many gay men who have told me that they never have felt any inner feelings of homosexuality being wrong. They resist homosexual desires purely out of their wish to adhere to the teachings of their faith, or the authority of the church (I commend them for this act of faith and submission, regardless if said authority or teaching is wrong).
Of the five means to determining homosexuality is wrong (and there may be others of which I am just not thinking about at this moment), I honestly am not sure which ones, if any, fully apply to me. I know I am not nearly as inclined to believe homosexuality is wrong as I used to believe.
The bible does hold a great deal of weight on my decision making. However, I realize it may not be fully inclusive to God’s desires for us, having been written by flawed men with differing interpretations, perspectives, and even in some cases a lack of understanding (remember the disciples didn’t even fully understand Jesus’ teachings a great deal of the time, and Jesus himself expressed frustration about this—perhaps some of that same lack of understanding was at times translated or transferred into the Bible).
There have certainly been some strong occasions in which I believe the Holy Spirit has pressed upon me to either do or not do a particular thing. I have often felt led by Him, and accepted His direction for my life. At times, I have felt inclined to do certain things concerning homosexuality, which the Holy Spirit has discouraged me from doing. At other times, however, He has not discouraged me—at least in any way in which I could comprehend. And upon examination, I realize it is far too often those desires to rush out and into something probably pretty dangerous that He helps prevent, whereas those more loving, thoughtful desires to want to be with a particular person or another have not been so discouraged—a great many times there has been no discouragement that I could tell at all, but in fact an almost prodding to go ahead (I usually question these urges, in both regards, for rather long periods of time).
Concerning nature, I have to admit that I am influenced by the designs of our bodies to a great degree. It does not make sense to me that we would be designed for anything outside of heterosexuality. However, my nature has seldom, if ever, really called out against such activity. It has actually been those times when I did engage in heterosexual acts that felt in the strongest of ways to be unnatural [on this point, I want to make clear that I am not talking about masculinity, but sexual desires alone]. With this in mind, perhaps we are, to some extent, allowed more freedom over our bodies to interpret their functions than we would expect and allowed to oblige them. Even though we may not have been designed for homosexual engagements in the creation, our bodies may indeed be susceptible to them and may even be, at times, in favor of them. I will note on this point that even the animals, at times, engage in homosexual acts. If homosexuality is sinful, then I have to wonder whether or not even the animals are prone to sin as well. On this point, I have never heard of any teachings that that is the case. So, if the animals are free to express homosexual acts as a part of their nature, rather than sin, then is it not likely that human beings, too, may engage in such activities not as sin but of their nature? And if this is true, then could God really have such objections to it (granted that they are expressions of love rather than lust)? Could it not also be that animals, and the rest of nature, are stained by the fall just as much as we have been though—their very natures being just as twisted as ours as a result of the fall? I’m not sure.
This leads me next to consider our environments. I have for a very long time believed that one’s environment may prove to be, more than anything else, the root cause of their homosexuality. I can look at many environmental factors in my own life to at least suggest that this may have been the case for me (I have picked up on other noticeable environmental factors in the lives of others, too, though). This does not, however, prevent me from recognizing certain strong biological implications that may also play a part in the causation of homosexuality. But when I look at how I was raised and the things I was taught (whether academically or as life experience), I do see great reason to believe that my environment, even though perhaps causing me become homosexual, most likely also taught me that homosexuality is wrong more than anything else. I have certainly felt guilty or ashamed many times by the thought of going against those things I was taught, or raised to believe in. When I have been attracted to other men I have been reminded that other men think that is wrong, that the church preaches against such thoughts, that many in my family have openly disapproved of homosexuals, and that many others, in my presence, have far too often made fun of homosexuals. I have, to a great degree, been taught to feel ashamed and guilty of having such desires for other men. I do believe this was wrong, and in the last few years I have rejected such teachings and ways of thinking (maybe not entirely, but definitely for the most part). I have come to believe that these feelings, unless prompted by the Holy Spirit, are simply not of God, but rather manmade and sinful in themselves. That is not to suggest that people cannot believe as they see fit and proper on the matter—I do not wish to discourage anyone of their convictions—but just to say that a great many are lacking in their approach to others. One can believe that homosexual acts are wrong, and even discourage people from engaging in such acts, but I believe they should not do this by applications of guilt, shame, carelessness, anger, disregard, neglect, hate, or pride. Likewise, a person tempted to homosexuality, believing it is wrong, I believe would do far better to try to adhere to their beliefs much more from an academic acknowledgement, or response, of their faith, rather than as a response to poor emotion (again, I say this is proper unless otherwise pressed by the Holy Spirit, which may be difficult for a person to discern at times, I admit).
As a personal decision, I have accepted more than not that homosexuality is wrong for me to engage in. That is not to say that I have decided I am anything but homosexual based on any personal decision—I do not believe that is possible. However, anyone can choose, or make a decision, on how best to live their life. Just because I am gay, does not mean I have to be with another man. Nor does it mean I have to be with a woman. I can choose to be with no one if that serves me and the Lord best. At this time, I have chosen the latter. I have done this because I do not wish to rush into anything of which I still do not believe I fully understand; I have not yet fully been able to interpret God’s desire for me in this regard. Perhaps His desire is exactly for me to be of the mind, or opinion, I currently have, not wanting me to be with anyone at this time.
I do believe, regardless of one’s teachings, one’s nature, one’s urging of the Holy Spirit, or one’s understanding of the Bible (or anything else), that each person has to make up their own mind on the matter of homosexuality on their own. Is it right or wrong? Does God approve or disapprove? Is it good for me or bad for me? Each of these things must be decided upon by the individual. With free will, we must make our best decision. Some of us may make the wrong decision, and some may make the right decision. But it has to be a personal decision. I do not believe anyone can make it for us, nor should they try, nor should we ever fully accept any other person’s decision without having first given a great degree of thought about it on our own.
Let me know what you think. I’m curious to see how others believe, and to know just how a person does come to a belief that homosexuality is wrong—I’m curious to see if there are any overwhelming factors of similarities about this.
Saturday, March 2, 2013
A Gentle Snow, A Darn Near Pointless Post
It is hard to believe that we are already in March, but here it is. I have to say that I feel glad about it. I know that Spring is just around the corner, which means Easter, Daylight Savings Time, and warmer weather. I am feeling very anxious for that last part indeed.
So, the old saying is, "March comes in like a lion and out like a lamb". This year, it hasn't entered like a lion at all, unless you consider a gentle, constant snow to be lion like. It's been kind of nice to tell you the truth. I'd hoped for a snow all week long, and it had been cold and cloudy all throughout to put me in the mood for such a thing. As luck would have it, or providence, it finally started snowing yesterday. It snowed nonstop, but didn't accumulate any. Over night, however, it continued snowing, and with the temperature dropping, I awoke to see a very lovely snow covered field and woods behind the house. It was and still is snowing as I write this, although not very much at the present. It's been beautiful to watch.
In the next couple of weeks, there are lots of things for me to feel anxious about, or to hope for. There are potential job openings that could come about, warmer weather is coming, summer vacation isn't too far off, and I've got all kinds of fun projects in the works. I'm looking forward to a lot of it.
And the snow keeps falling... it's almost mesmerizing.
So, the old saying is, "March comes in like a lion and out like a lamb". This year, it hasn't entered like a lion at all, unless you consider a gentle, constant snow to be lion like. It's been kind of nice to tell you the truth. I'd hoped for a snow all week long, and it had been cold and cloudy all throughout to put me in the mood for such a thing. As luck would have it, or providence, it finally started snowing yesterday. It snowed nonstop, but didn't accumulate any. Over night, however, it continued snowing, and with the temperature dropping, I awoke to see a very lovely snow covered field and woods behind the house. It was and still is snowing as I write this, although not very much at the present. It's been beautiful to watch.
In the next couple of weeks, there are lots of things for me to feel anxious about, or to hope for. There are potential job openings that could come about, warmer weather is coming, summer vacation isn't too far off, and I've got all kinds of fun projects in the works. I'm looking forward to a lot of it.
And the snow keeps falling... it's almost mesmerizing.
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